work.. and the Y chromosome Pt.1
i'm at work working on an old presentation, and getting kinda bored.
i'm gonna talk about guys. not men. i'm drawing a distinctive line. so don't get snarky.
i know this is gonna insult a lot of people, but i'm merely speaking from experience. mine and some others close to me. shan't mention names, those aren't pleasant memories.
not really ranting, either.
not really being 'emo', too.
just... writing down my thoughts and reasons.
being as honest and candid as possible.
because writing to semi-strangers, with technology as a mediator, is sometimes easier than speaking face-to-face. also because this sometimes serves a greater purpose to reach a wider audience.
aichiban asks what i look for in a 'breeding partner' :P he's not the first to ask. there's been many before him. i've just never been as honest.
these past few months have required plenty of soul-searching from me. who am i? what do i want? what do i need? what can i do without?
reasons for soul-searching has been personal. and also because of things that happened to friends, and family.
firstly, though, my answer for aichiban:
i want a MAN who:
1) is trustworthy
2) is someone i can respect
3) is someone i can communicate at a deep level with
4) is loyal
5) is responsible
6) is caring
7) is loving
8) is fairly intelligent (i don't need a stephen hawking.. probably drive me mad, and not in a good way)
9) has a sense of humour i can understand
10) is someone i'm sexually attracted to (ahh but of course, no? else how to breed?)
he's got to be, for me, a life partner, a love partner, and a sex partner.
i really don't think that's too much to ask for. wouldn't that be things you'd seek in a partner? male OR female? a man would want those, too, i think. if we're being honest, and not joking about things.
hey, i want an Eric Bana lookalike. but i can live without it, if i meet someone who answers to the criteria above. no point having a handsome Greek-god lookalike who's empty and shallow inside. who doesn't have a heart. who's selfish.
Scenario A
i've dated a guy who strung me along for 4 years. that's 4 years of my life wasted on an unsuitable boy. yes, i was foolish enough to put my hopes on someone who didn't care. who treated me as a spare tyre. who flirts shamelessly with me when he's gotten into an argument/ has broken up with his girlfriend. who neglects to tell me he has one, and when i found out that he did, he says that all that transpired between the both of us was just a joke.
it hurt. it still hurts.
someone said i'm bitter about it still. i'm not sure if i am. i'm disappointed in him, yes, but, bitter? i don't wish him ill. i hope his current girlfriend would be treated better than i was. no girl deserves to be treated like dirt. but i'm definitely sad. i'm still upset about it, yes. but i'm not sure if i'd run him down with a steam-roller, or have him beaten up. i don't think so.
Scenario B
a friend liked someone for about 2-3 years. he flirted back. the usual suspects. the same story. then she wondered why he never said anything. she's got more guts than me. she told him: i like u. his reply: i know... but u're just not my type....
shit....
she's only just kinda got her 'dignity' back.
Scenario C
another friend's been with a guy for about 5 years. 5 FRIKKIN years. then he left her. says she isn't understanding enough. doesn't sacrifice enough for him. too this, too that. made her cry her eyes out. actually he has another girl now. she begged him to stay. wanted so much to try to work things out.
finally she stopped. cos his sms to her was: i'm only replying ur sms-es out of courtesy.
she snapped out of it when she saw that.
she told me this long after it's ended. my reaction: he couldn't even afford you the proper courtesy to say No nicely. what an asshole.
there are so many ways to say No. E.g.:
1) I think we shouldn't speak to each other anymore. It would be easier for both of us that way.
2) I don't feel for you the way I used to. I like this girl now. Talking to each other like this isn't going to make the break easier. Let's just have a clean break from each other.
3) Just don't reply. She'd get the picture. Eventually.
but that's not the end of it. what outraged me was that over chinese new year, he texted her to wish her cny. then when she didn't reply, he threw a 'tantrum' and said: what's the point i'm back when u won't even reply my sms?
honestly: HUH?? after all that rudeness, after all that hurt, when he's no longer on her radar, he just has to destroy her peace again? who the hell did he think he was to say something as ridiculous as that?
and a few months back, he texted her to say he's sorry for leaving her the way he did. for treating her the way he did. that he regrets leaving her now.
she thinks it's sincere. i don't think so. because it sounded awfully like what happened to me. so i told her what i thought. that he probably wants someone to listen to him. someone to sympathise with him. someone who'd feel sorry for him. because i suspected that he's had a BIG fight with his girlfriend.
i was right. i don't like to be proven time and again that what i know about boys be true, but she said he told her he's broken up with his girlfriend. and yet, she has, in good authority, the knowledge that he was still with her.
Scenario D
when i was 17, going 18, my cuzzie, who's now in Aussie, came back for a visit. she sat down with me, and asked me if i've ever fallen in love. i said i hadn't. mom's always said i've always been too level-headed. mom's worried i'd never get married. she smiled. and she told me to be careful. she told me i shouldn't give my heart to someone who wouldn't give his to me. and then she told me her story.
she was young, about my age then. she's 5 years older than i am. and she fell for a chinese hongki who was studying in the same school as she was. her mother was very much against the relationship, saying they're way too young, and she didn't like the boy very much. but cuzzie was adamant. she was heartbroken when her mom forced them to break up. in the end, her mother gave in to her, and she called him up to let him know. he said he was happy, and that he wanted to meet her to take her back to meet his parents. she was overjoyed. she agreed. he drove...
to take her to meet his OTHER girlfriend. and he told her, in front of the other girl. i've been going out with her all this while i was going out with u.
she was traumatised from that incident. for 5 years after that, she chose to be single.
Scenario E
i know a guy, who's been seeing a girl for almost 3 years now. he found out she cheated on him, but she begged him to stay. he did, though his heart's not in it. until now, he can't bring himself to forgive her. she does all the calling. most of the travelling. he wants 'the distance and the space'. recently she brought up marriage. he freaks. he does NOT want to marry her. but he's still with her. he likes the status quo.
i suspect he enjoys the power trip. the ego boost. someone clinging to him, saying she can't survive without him. begging him. i suspect he does it out of vengeance.
even if you were a guy, if the girls here were your sisters or just your friends, wouldn't you have told them to 'drop it (the guy they dated/ is dating) like it's hot!'?
i'm not making any of these stories up. so u be the judge then on whether i'm justified when i view most guys, in general, with suspicion.
~to be continued~
i'm gonna talk about guys. not men. i'm drawing a distinctive line. so don't get snarky.
i know this is gonna insult a lot of people, but i'm merely speaking from experience. mine and some others close to me. shan't mention names, those aren't pleasant memories.
not really ranting, either.
not really being 'emo', too.
just... writing down my thoughts and reasons.
being as honest and candid as possible.
because writing to semi-strangers, with technology as a mediator, is sometimes easier than speaking face-to-face. also because this sometimes serves a greater purpose to reach a wider audience.
aichiban asks what i look for in a 'breeding partner' :P he's not the first to ask. there's been many before him. i've just never been as honest.
these past few months have required plenty of soul-searching from me. who am i? what do i want? what do i need? what can i do without?
reasons for soul-searching has been personal. and also because of things that happened to friends, and family.
firstly, though, my answer for aichiban:
i want a MAN who:
1) is trustworthy
2) is someone i can respect
3) is someone i can communicate at a deep level with
4) is loyal
5) is responsible
6) is caring
7) is loving
8) is fairly intelligent (i don't need a stephen hawking.. probably drive me mad, and not in a good way)
9) has a sense of humour i can understand
10) is someone i'm sexually attracted to (ahh but of course, no? else how to breed?)
he's got to be, for me, a life partner, a love partner, and a sex partner.
i really don't think that's too much to ask for. wouldn't that be things you'd seek in a partner? male OR female? a man would want those, too, i think. if we're being honest, and not joking about things.
hey, i want an Eric Bana lookalike. but i can live without it, if i meet someone who answers to the criteria above. no point having a handsome Greek-god lookalike who's empty and shallow inside. who doesn't have a heart. who's selfish.
Scenario A
i've dated a guy who strung me along for 4 years. that's 4 years of my life wasted on an unsuitable boy. yes, i was foolish enough to put my hopes on someone who didn't care. who treated me as a spare tyre. who flirts shamelessly with me when he's gotten into an argument/ has broken up with his girlfriend. who neglects to tell me he has one, and when i found out that he did, he says that all that transpired between the both of us was just a joke.
it hurt. it still hurts.
someone said i'm bitter about it still. i'm not sure if i am. i'm disappointed in him, yes, but, bitter? i don't wish him ill. i hope his current girlfriend would be treated better than i was. no girl deserves to be treated like dirt. but i'm definitely sad. i'm still upset about it, yes. but i'm not sure if i'd run him down with a steam-roller, or have him beaten up. i don't think so.
Scenario B
a friend liked someone for about 2-3 years. he flirted back. the usual suspects. the same story. then she wondered why he never said anything. she's got more guts than me. she told him: i like u. his reply: i know... but u're just not my type....
shit....
she's only just kinda got her 'dignity' back.
Scenario C
another friend's been with a guy for about 5 years. 5 FRIKKIN years. then he left her. says she isn't understanding enough. doesn't sacrifice enough for him. too this, too that. made her cry her eyes out. actually he has another girl now. she begged him to stay. wanted so much to try to work things out.
finally she stopped. cos his sms to her was: i'm only replying ur sms-es out of courtesy.
she snapped out of it when she saw that.
she told me this long after it's ended. my reaction: he couldn't even afford you the proper courtesy to say No nicely. what an asshole.
there are so many ways to say No. E.g.:
1) I think we shouldn't speak to each other anymore. It would be easier for both of us that way.
2) I don't feel for you the way I used to. I like this girl now. Talking to each other like this isn't going to make the break easier. Let's just have a clean break from each other.
3) Just don't reply. She'd get the picture. Eventually.
but that's not the end of it. what outraged me was that over chinese new year, he texted her to wish her cny. then when she didn't reply, he threw a 'tantrum' and said: what's the point i'm back when u won't even reply my sms?
honestly: HUH?? after all that rudeness, after all that hurt, when he's no longer on her radar, he just has to destroy her peace again? who the hell did he think he was to say something as ridiculous as that?
and a few months back, he texted her to say he's sorry for leaving her the way he did. for treating her the way he did. that he regrets leaving her now.
she thinks it's sincere. i don't think so. because it sounded awfully like what happened to me. so i told her what i thought. that he probably wants someone to listen to him. someone to sympathise with him. someone who'd feel sorry for him. because i suspected that he's had a BIG fight with his girlfriend.
i was right. i don't like to be proven time and again that what i know about boys be true, but she said he told her he's broken up with his girlfriend. and yet, she has, in good authority, the knowledge that he was still with her.
Scenario D
when i was 17, going 18, my cuzzie, who's now in Aussie, came back for a visit. she sat down with me, and asked me if i've ever fallen in love. i said i hadn't. mom's always said i've always been too level-headed. mom's worried i'd never get married. she smiled. and she told me to be careful. she told me i shouldn't give my heart to someone who wouldn't give his to me. and then she told me her story.
she was young, about my age then. she's 5 years older than i am. and she fell for a chinese hongki who was studying in the same school as she was. her mother was very much against the relationship, saying they're way too young, and she didn't like the boy very much. but cuzzie was adamant. she was heartbroken when her mom forced them to break up. in the end, her mother gave in to her, and she called him up to let him know. he said he was happy, and that he wanted to meet her to take her back to meet his parents. she was overjoyed. she agreed. he drove...
to take her to meet his OTHER girlfriend. and he told her, in front of the other girl. i've been going out with her all this while i was going out with u.
she was traumatised from that incident. for 5 years after that, she chose to be single.
Scenario E
i know a guy, who's been seeing a girl for almost 3 years now. he found out she cheated on him, but she begged him to stay. he did, though his heart's not in it. until now, he can't bring himself to forgive her. she does all the calling. most of the travelling. he wants 'the distance and the space'. recently she brought up marriage. he freaks. he does NOT want to marry her. but he's still with her. he likes the status quo.
i suspect he enjoys the power trip. the ego boost. someone clinging to him, saying she can't survive without him. begging him. i suspect he does it out of vengeance.
even if you were a guy, if the girls here were your sisters or just your friends, wouldn't you have told them to 'drop it (the guy they dated/ is dating) like it's hot!'?
i'm not making any of these stories up. so u be the judge then on whether i'm justified when i view most guys, in general, with suspicion.
~to be continued~
