inane meanderings of the roving mind... adapting to the vicissitudes of life

What now?

2011-11-20T20:59:00.000+08:00

Why is it that when it rains, it pours?

I'm tired. Of so many things. I'm just bone-weary. I'm tired of fighting for what should be mine. Maybe I should just let everything go. Go with the flow.

I wonder where all the passion went - is it just a comfort zone now?

Am I making the same mistakes I used to make? I need to stop. And reassess.

Vicissitudes and Contradictions

2011-06-15T01:06:00.005+08:00

I haven't written much for a very long time.

Too many things, too little time.

Too many changes, too little rest.

Too many instances of death, too little celebrations of life.

Or maybe I'm just feeling the marks of senescence more frequently than I used to, nowadays. But perhaps I should write again. Too many things on my mind. And it has always been cathartic to write.

But as one gets older, thoughts always seem to condense and distill into similar patterns and processes. It's as though one no longer experiences new things, but is merely refining the old - getting better at it, I suppose?

As I ruminate over that particular thought, I remember writing about it a few years ago, and so I went back to old writings to see if I did write them down. I am amazed at the kind of things I used to write. One wonders: Was that really me? When did I ever find so much time to write so much? And how did I find the ENERGY? The thinking process is, after all, really like a computing system. It takes up resources, i.e. energy :P

It is comforting to note, though, that I may have changed gradually over the years. Some say I'm more mellow, some say I'm less forgiving, perhaps both is true. However, it's comforting to know that, in-principle, my convictions stay the same. Lately, as I was hitting 30 (and when I have since hit 30), my thoughts have run along similar lines as this particular blog, almost 3 years ago.

Of how changes affect us (particularly, me). Of how fleeting life can be. Of how people change and grow, or grow and change. Of the permanency (or lack thereof) of human relationships. Of the one constant in life, which is change. Of fertility and nativity. Of morbidity and mortality. Of formation. Of dissolution.

Well, I'll just share my thoughts of 3 years past, I suppose.

Except for one thing to add. How fortunes always seem to change attitudes. I suppose when one is poor, one can afford to be generous, as there is nothing to lose, but when one is rich, or trying to be so, one need always zealously guard one's fortunes? Money may buy you friendship, fortune and fame, but when one dies, the skeletons come out of the closet and dance. Perhaps most people tend to forget that.

Maybe I'm getting more and more jaded as I get older? :)

***

MONDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2008

To honour, love and respect.

these are going to be short essays, distilled essences of thoughts over many months. after all, brevity is the soul of wit.

been wanting to write so many things:

about life. how it's so fleeting. so fragile. a friend of mine was so shaken, because her friend died in a horrible car accident. just a week prior, they had chatted about how she'd be starting a new life in another place, where my friend was. a week later, news filtered through that she had died in a horrible car crash. what irony. what meaninglessness. what an awful waste. so much potential. so much passion. so much youth. *snap!* and it's gone. like a bunny in a magician's hat.

and yet, how much do we really know a person? we can spend an entire lifetime with a person, and in his/ her death, be stunned by how little we know.

but life.... it's so unpredictable. so short. so seemingly meaningless at times. yet so powerfully moving at others.

life is fragile. and painful. and beautiful.

i told you: i wish i could've made more of an impact in other people's life. i wish i could've left school at 24 and traversed the world in help of the needy. my next manicure, my heartbreaks over men would've paled so much in comparison to 8 year olds dying of AIDS in my arms. or a pregnant young woman of 14 sobbing her heart out on my shoulder as i tended to the ugly purple welts on her body caused by the lashings of her poor drunken husband 12 years older than she was/ or her pimp who wants her to have an abortion. who am i? what difference can i make?

i told you: when i died, i'd like for as much of my organs to be donated to as many who'd need them, and the remains to be cremated, and the ashes be scattered over a flower bed. because i believe that's how life cycles in the greater scheme of things should be. with death, should come life. and that's why i don't smoke. and i try to keep myself in as good a shape as i can. someone else may need my liver and my heart more than i do.

i'm morbid.

about families. how they shape us. how they love us no matter how much we hurt them. how they welcome the prodigal son with open arms. how much they can hurt us. how much we can hurt them. and yet ultimately, how much we are bonded together no matter what the circumstances. and if familial ties are good, how much they protect.

about love - old loves, new loves. fleeting love, everlasting love. who's to say one impacts us less than another? who's to say the passion of a love of one month is less painful than one that lasts a span of 50 years? after all, both are imprints in the cement of our heart and our soul. they may erode with time, but the outline would always remain. the past may be the past, but the past helped shaped the future. and unless, like the rest of our world's problems, we learn from history, the past would always come back and haunt us. in the shape of the present.

after all, it's been said that our experiences are repetitive from the experiences we've learnt in our formative years. and so, the rest of our lives are repetitions of our childhood experiences. we react to stimuli the way we were taught to react in childhood. and the only other new experience that we would learn in adulthood/ post-pubescence would be the sexual climax. after that, we'd be repeating our initial sexual experience. we'd react to it as we were taught to in that initial experience and repeat it with future partners.

is that how love is as well?

it's been said that men (and perhaps women) have 4 loves in their lives:

1. the love of his/ her childhood (aka childhood sweetheart, puppy love, etc.)

2. the love of his/ her youth (possibly first real love, the one that made a bigger impact, first cut, etc.)

3. the love of his/ her manhood/ womanhood (the love that was made as a mature, responsible adult, one where he/ she assesses compatibility, lifestyle choices, background, etc. rather than profess undying love due to passion, sexual compatibility, physical attraction, etc. you get the idea)

4. the love of his/ her deathbed (where his/ her partner lives to watch him/ her die. the one where he/ she wakes up next to the creaking bones of his/ her senescence. where he/ she smells that old people smell everyday. where he/ she puts up with his/ her failing bladder, falling hair, lack of sexual drive/ sexual ability. where he/ she is the one wiping the snot of his/ her nose because he/ she can no longer do it him/ herself, etc. you get the idea too)

it's said that it is already lucky to have 3 and 4 be the same person, some are luckier still to have 2, 3 and 4 be one and the same. some rare few have all 4 be the same man/ woman.

who's to say? in my grandmother's time, there was no chance or choice to bemoan and wonder if you had married the right person. one is married, and then falls in love. or maybe never fall in love at all, but learn to appreciate one's life partner. with two world wars to survive through, who has time to think whether the next door guy is a better lover/ husband?

but in today's world, in a time of relative economic, political and social peace, with technology crossing all manner of borders, where does one cross the line? you look at your friend's boyfriend and wonder if he'd make a better boyfriend to you. or you look at your friend's sister and wonder if you had made the wrong choice for a girlfriend. or your colleague. or your neighbour. or your friend. or your cyberpal, after one too many online flirtation. too many choices. too little conscience.

we're spoilt for choice. and yet we're ill-equipped to make the right ones.

and so, when i met a friend of mine last week, one i hadn't seen in years, and her brother, who i haven't spoken to in many many years too, with his wife of a year old, i was struck by how quietly and simply eloquent the inscription in their rings were: to honour, love and respect.

To honour, love and respect. Inscribed on the inside of a simple, white-gold wedding band. With the date of their wedding. Taken straight out of their marriage vows:

To honour, love and respect all the days of our lives.

Love. do we really know what it means? so overused. so underappreciated. said at the height of passion. forgotten the next morning. said at the honeymoon stage of a relationship. forgotten when things get rough. as they inadvertently do. said to a replacement when the fires of a previous relationship had barely cooled. thrown out the window at the first argument.

To honour, love and respect. They come together. In a trinity. that's how love lasts, after all.

To honour, love and respect. Do we really know how to do that?

Honour. Do we know what it means?

Love. Do we appreciate the full extent of its meaning?

Respect. Do we have enough of this for ourselves, and hence, other people?

To honour, love and respect. All the days of our lives. Think about it.

It's as much a huge commitment as it is a wonderful promise. Perhaps it is both.

Turning 30

2011-05-06T02:26:00.001+08:00

How does it feel to be 30?

I'm still trying to figure it out :)

After a day of rumination, I suppose the politically correct epiphany would be: Young enough to still have fun and remember, old enough to stop and know better.

The less politically correct, credited to Irene, would be: Young enough to still wanna shake your booty, old enough to know when it's time to sit down before you sprain something :P

My hope for this chapter/ decade would be that I learn how to age with grace... under pressure :)

It's been quite a day... My teammates surprised (or sabo-ed?) me with a little birthday cake and a (really loud) happy birthday song in a crowded restaurant, and sang an (even louder!!!) happy birthday song once more in a crowded lunchtime MRT (ZOMGWTFCRAZYFELLAZLAWLZ) before surprising me again with a 'meeting' that turned out to be the official birthday surprise :P Thank you, MxTx team :) It's been a wonderful 1 year with all of you, past and present :) Bumpy rollercoaster crazy ride it may have been, but I think we've all weathered and matured much :) I'm going to cry now :P

It is interesting to start a new decade of my life in another country, and under different circumstances. Granted, last year I was already here, but I hadn't had time to stop, think and reflect, having just moved here about a month prior.

The outpouring of well wishes, affection and love was a little surprising and overwhelming though :) Thank you all. I was, and still am, deeply touched. It's true that friendship has no geographical boundaries. I've been receiving birthday wishes as early as 4 May, and although my silly facebook wall allowed no posts initially, I've had some friends spend the time to PM me their wishes, write on my status or my uploaded pics, or send me a message via phone/ IM/ other means of communication instead. I love you all much :) It's been a great pleasure, and honour to have met each and every one of you, somewhere along my journey in life.

I will stop now before I get uncharacteristically disgustingly mushy :) I've a reputation to uphold, after all :P This note is a reflection of where I am in my life right now, how far I've come, how much further I have yet to go, and how each and everyone of you, my friends, have left an indelible mark in this soft, pink-cotton-candy-fuwa-fuwa heart of mine :P

Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your love. Thank you for being you. I shall now toast to the friendship we've had, and the many more years that will come :)

And now that I've written my uncharacteristically sentimental note, I shall retire to bed to preserve the youthfulness of my delicate skin ;) I have my occasional vain streak, as I do my occasional flashes of brilliance :P

Signing off,

Yours Truly :)

The Royal Wedding Dress!

2011-04-30T04:24:00.000+08:00

Yes, yes, I know I'm late :P But I was at work and had other things to do before I finally managed to get down to checking out the Royal Wedding.

I must say I love the dress though! And I totally agree with this headline:

http://royalwedding.yahoo.com/blogs/kate-middleton-wedding-dress-a-success-6034?nc

I've always loved delicate, soft lace (not the cheap scratchy ones), and this is a little reminiscent of my mom's wedding gown, with it's long lacy sleeves (of course, mom's wasn't as glam), but I gotta applaud HRH Kate, for how she achieved the blend of traditional and modern in such an elegant manner.

The lace and corset bodice, narrowed at the waist, padded at the hips with the hint of a bustle at the way it gathers at the back gives a nod to the Victorian look, yet the sweetheart neckline bodice, peek-a-boo V-neck lace overlay and clean-cut panels and pleats of her ivory satin gazar skirt gives it a modern twist.

It isn't overly shiny and ostentatious. It's sleek yet feminine. Glamorous, yet refined.

I especially loved her veil. Traditionally long, yet minimalist modern with it's soft, airy, light and delicate look, held together with only a tiara. Overall, a subtly sexy, yet conservative look.

I know some people complain about the train, but I think it was brilliant! Long enough to be stately and regal, short enough that it is not superfluous wastage. Gorgeous!

Winning the War

2011-04-17T00:54:00.006+08:00

It's been a long time since I've posted.

Life and work in general has gotten in the way. My apologies. Laziness too.

But today, I just couldn't contain myself.

My beloved state was not able to deny the coalition of thieves and liars this time around. And it was extremely disheartening and disappointing for me.

I need to remind myself, however, that Rome wasn't built in a day. There are many take-aways from this episode.

Firstly, that although the majority given to the ruling coalition has been reduced by more than 5%, it isn't enough. That we need to do so much more. How? We will need to look at this from many angles.

Who helped the ruling coalition win this? The inlanders.
Where did they get the winning votes? Possibly postal votes, ghost voters, etc.
What could have helped them achieve this? Many things, but of course, what was most effective was money.
Why did we lose in the inlands? Lack of awareness/ education/ relevance of campaign.
When do we start with a new campaign, then? NOW. We start NOW. That's how we will win in the GEs. If we're going to be serious.
How do we win? I will elaborate below. In summary, we need to start the new campaign now. Do the groundwork. We need to identify candidates whom the inlanders can identify with. We need to find issues that are relevant to them and find workable solutions for them. Most of all, we need to educate and create awareness.

RFS helped us make inroads into some of the inlands of Sarawak. But we shouldn't rely on RFS alone to assist us in making efforts into the inlands. We need to analyse the strengths and weaknesses of each constituency, as well as their needs, and move on from there. A one-size-fits-all solution is not suitable for a state like Sarawak. Not when there are major differences in geography and socio-economic conditions. What appeals to the urban voters may not be relevant for the rural voters at all. They can't identify, especially, with politics from the peninsula. It is foreign to them, as foreign as politics in UK or USA or Australia. Therefore, solutions would need to be customized according to constituency.

And we need to start the next campaign right NOW. We cannot be discouraged. We need to find suitable candidates and send them to talk to the rural folks quickly. This is in order for us to find out what we can do to relieve their burden, what the ruling coalition did right, how we are able to overturn the loyalty, and to gain their trust. It's psychological warfare. In order to beat the ruling coalitions system's of bullying, buying out and postal votes, we cannot afford to win by just a slim margin, but we need to have a buffer of another possible n=5000 votes (if possible, dependent on constituency, of course). This would mean that every blue we can turn red is worth the effort.

Our friends from across the sea does not understand. What is so obvious to them is, in truth, completely irrelevant to the inlanders. They don't have internet to be able to read up on alternative media. You see, they don't even have electricity. They have no toilets. They use outhouses instead. They have no clean running water. How would I know? I've seen it. With my own eyes. So please don't be condescending. They can't afford to think too far into the future when they live from day to day. They are even unsure of where tomorrow's food is going to come from. RM1000 is a LOT of money for them. As for NCR? Some don't even know they've signed off their lands until tractors come to clear their land. Because they are illiterate. They rely on the spoken language. That is why they were so easily lied to by the ruling coalition's empty promises.

So how do we become relevant? By getting someone from the area. Who knows. By having people go in there to find out about their plight. Ask to see their land leases. Investigate the situation. Do it NOW. While the ruling coalition is still celebrating. While they are complacent. That's how you build trust. By not just visiting once every 5 years.

If you do it while the ruling coalition does it as well, of course you would not be able to shine as brightly. You don't have the money. You can't compete.

So buy your way in through their heart, not their wallets. Make yourselves relevant in their day to day lives. Send in short wave radios so that they can hear about the evils of the current situation. So that they know. Talk to them and explain how they are at disadvantage. Speak their local language. Know their local customs. Make yourselves relevant.

Speak their language. Create a candidate that is a local hero. Rebrand yourselves as a coalition that is relevant, caring, able to help. Who will always be there for them, not just during election times.

Change is scary for these rural folks. That's why you move in now. Once they are familiar with you, once they are loyal, once you become a friend, they stay loyal, they stay your friend. As you can see from the current results. Make their loyalty yours. Turn these liabilities to your favour.

You find the root and then make a focussed, targeted, and most importantly, CUSTOMIZED effort that would turn the tides around. Hopefully the next time around, would be a major red tide.

We may have lost the battle, but not the war.

Quarter life crisis

2010-11-08T00:32:00.003+08:00

I've been self-reflecting...

I think I've hit a quarter-life crisis....

And I really don't know where I want to be 3 years from now...

I can't even identify whether I can't stand my work, or the lack of work-life balance it offers me... I just know I don't want to be doing this in 5 years time... working on weekends.. waking up at odd hours in the night to call some incompetent fool half the world away.. working till 11pm and considering that 'normal'.

I chose to come here, so why complain? I'm not... I'm just getting really tired... I feel myself burning out. I'm not as young as I used to be, and reality bites :(

So I'm doing all these personality tests to help me figure out what suits my personality best.

INFJ. Christ, that didn't help... It's telling me I'm complex and internally confused. SIGH....

Perhaps I'm getting impatient. Bloody hell, almost 3 decades on earth... shouldn't my life be moving in a certain stable direction by now? Why do I still feel soooo..... unsettled???

God help me, I think I've hit a low point... yet again.... Seeing a financial advisor just made me feel a whole lot older. So many responsibilities, so little time to work them out.

It's as if the sands of time are running out on me.

Need to figure myself out. And pronto.

Growing up is hard to do. Really :(

Borrowed reflections of a tired mind

2010-08-31T00:56:00.005+08:00

It's been forever. I know. But I've barely had time to shop in this shopping haven for necessary goods, much less blog.

But things have been bittersweet. And perhaps, in life, I can't really ask for more than that.

It's Independence Day back home. Wonder if anyone there ever reflects on life's lessons, but anyhow, here's a good article written by a wise man. I couldn't have said it any better.

I've learned....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is be someone who can be loved.

The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,

some people just don't care back.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust

and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,

but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself

to the best others can do,

but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people,

It's what they do about it.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,

there are always two sides.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.

It may be the last time you'll see them.

I've learned that you can keep going,

long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done

when it needs to be done,

regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,

but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,

but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.

Same goes for true love.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,

they're going to hurt you every once in a while

and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.

Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,

the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances

may have influenced who we are,

but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that just because two people argue,

it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

And just because they don't argue,

it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual

ahead of their actions.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing

and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter the consequences,

those who are honest with themselves go farther in life.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours

by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,

when a friend cries out to you,

you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing,

as well as talking,

can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life

are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line

between being nice and not hurting people's feelings

and standing up for what you believe.

I've learned to love

and be loved.

I've learned...

~Omer Washington~

Dilemma

2010-06-18T21:49:00.003+08:00

I hate seeing you manipulated thus.... and although you say I shouldn't let it get to me, I can't help but feel this way.

You're like a butterfly coming out of your chrysalis, it's a painful process.

Yet I understand that your lives are so deeply intertwined, it's hard for you to learn to cut off the vines.

Yet I can see what he's doing so clearly. He did say he could control you, he could keep you under his thumb, you would listen to what he tells you to do (which is why he still keeps you as a friend), and that you would tell him everything.

Sigh... honestly, I don't know what to do either. It sucks that everything is under wraps and that I can't tell him off directly without blowing your plans apart.

So... maybe I should just slow things down a notch or two, say a prayer and hope everything goes well.

Sorry though.... this might hurt somewhat.

Greed?

2010-06-05T19:10:00.000+08:00

I know I should be thankful. Yet why do I sometimes get that heavy feeling? Wishing things were a little less complicated? Wondering why it wasn't a little easier? A little simpler? Perhaps I am still a little fearful of history. I know I shouldn't let old ghosts ruin new homes, yet... I do wish... For that little bit more... Of peace?

Solitude

2010-05-30T23:19:00.002+08:00

This country is quiet...many people say... And it's true that one can be lonely even in a city of 1 billion.

But this place also seem to offer some kind of respite in a crazy busy world. The little parks right in the middle of a bustling neighbourhood, where amidst the noise and craze, one can always find a quiet place for some respite.

Sometimes that's best. To remove oneself from the rest of the world for awhile to evaluate where one is, and where one wants to go. To see whether some things are worth fighting for, while some should be let go. Whether some should be raised to the surface, while some should be buried within the deeper recesses of one's mind: best forgotten.

The Roving Mind

2010-05-10T00:55:00.003+08:00

So how's it been?

Really... I'm not yet sure.

Work's tough, and I do feel like I'm under a lot of pressure, but then again, I never expected it to be a walk in the park.

I like this new place. I can see myself settling down here, even as a single girl.

So far, life is good. I can't expect more from this. I wanted a new life, after all.

And yes, I came here with my heart in tatters. Half worn-out from all the struggles to keep afloat. And I knew that taking up this new challenge would make or break my relationship. It broke it.

So right now, I'm starting life anew as a single woman in a new land with new challenges that I need to face.

How's it been, after a month? I'm not sure. That's all I can say, right now. I hope God blesses this path. I hope He keeps me in His Grace.

Can't figure it out

2010-04-14T00:57:00.003+08:00

I miss you.

But not the way I used to. I wonder if parts of me died inside.

If the feeling is slowly fading. Dying.

A part of me feels bereft. Empty.

It's been like this for awhile. The feeling of trying to keep things afloat.

I don't know, really. Should I stay, or should I go?

A friend of mine was telling me before I left, that she recently felt, and mentioned to her fiance: You don't please me anymore...

I wonder if that's the case here. And I wonder how long has it already been like this....

Drifting

2010-03-21T23:26:00.002+08:00

I guess... finally.... we're really drifting apart. Today was the first day we did not talk to each other in a long time.

Maybe it's good in a way... maybe it makes it easier...

But if that's so... why does it hurt so badly?

Vicissitudes

2010-03-21T12:17:00.002+08:00

Cada fallo,
cada imprecisión,
cada detalle,
todo bajo control.

Cada acierto,
cada aproximación,
cada escena,
bajo supervisión.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

No imaginas cómo sería yo si hubiera
esperado un segundo más el amor.

Ni mis gestos ni mi propia voz, ni mis besos
serían hoy de los dos.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

Si quieres venir conmigo a buscar la fórmula
exacta de la realidad intenta escribir a los
demás, procura que nadie nos oiga marchar.

Cada pregunta de cada respuesta de cada
persona de cada planeta de cada reflejo de
cada cometa de cada deseo de cada estrella.

***

Every failure,
every imprecision,
Every detail,
everything under control.

Every success,
Every approximation
Every scene,
under supervision.

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

You cannot imagine how I would be
If I had waited one second more for love

Neither my gestures nor my own voice
Nor my kisses would be for the two of us today

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

If you want to come with me
to look for the exact formula of reality
Try to write to the others
Ensure that nobody hears us go

In every question
Of every response
Of every person
Of every planet
Of every reflection
Of every comet
Of every desire
Of every star

Fear

2010-03-14T18:22:00.003+08:00

It holds us back....

It kept me in KL, a place I've never really liked very much for almost 10 years.

It kept me from having real relationships with men, perhaps, always choosing the ones who could never really be truly intimate with me.

It kept me from breaking clean with someone I couldn't trust for 2 years.

Perhaps I was afraid of rejection. Perhaps I was afraid to be alone again.

But I'm not happy. I'm tired of the broken promises. Tired of not being able to fully trust someone. Tired of being just a little bit better than a best lady friend. What's so special about me, then... right?

I'm tired of being paranoid. Tired of being afraid.

Take a bow now. So the curtains have finally come down. Not for lack of trying. Perhaps it's just time to move on. Perhaps things aren't meant to be. Perhaps you and I, we're too different when it comes to our definition of fidelity vs. infidelity.

Thank you for 2 1/2 years. Not all of it were bad. We had some sweet moments... not enough, unfortunately, to make up for the sad ones.

But everyone needs a first love, and you were mine. Thank you for the memories.

Vicissitudes

2010-03-02T23:21:00.004+08:00

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....

Maybe

2010-02-08T15:12:00.002+08:00

Maybe it's time for me to just let everything go...

I'm tired of everything. I suppose a part of me really wants to make the grand move, it would be a push, one way or another. In a way, that would make or break everything.

And perhaps right now, that's what we need.

Tears

2010-01-25T23:41:00.002+08:00

It's been said that no man is worth your tears, and when you find one who is, he wouldn't make you cry.

Defense of my Faith

2010-01-10T10:24:00.002+08:00

This is a response to a Muslim man asking on a discussion board what the concept of the Christian God is, especially pertaining to Catholics. He said that our concept of God is wrong, and that we are confused.

And here is my response:

Dear Y,

C is right. You have come here not with an open mind to study the 'fors' and 'againsts' of Christianity, but have only brought a bucketful of negatives.

As for knowing what is God, surely.... in your heart, you would know. He comes when your heart and your mind is open, not when you are looking for riches, or 4D number, or fame, or power, or clouded by lust...

He comes when you need protection, He comes when you are afraid and lonely. He comes, not in the form of a ghost, but in ways that you can feel and 'see', not see.

I believe that God is good. And when I pray for guidance, He will come to me. That is the faith that spoke to C, and spoke to me.

I believe that God came to me, when I needed Him most, and He has made me a kinder, more loving, more understanding person. If that is not God talking to me, then who is?

The Devil is asking me to forgive the people who burnt our churches? The Devil is asking me to speak kindly and not take offense by your words? The Devil is asking me to pray for these people who burns our churches that they may see that what they are doing is wrong?

I think not.

So please, don't insult our sensibilities by saying that we don't know God's loving touch when we feel it in our lives.

God always shows us that we must do what is right. Even if it is painful. Even if it is difficult.

C has experienced it. So have I. So I am pretty darn sure it was not Satan talking to me when someone touched my heart and asked me to forgive my aggressor, who had physically hurt me, so many years ago.

It is very obvious from your repeated postings over and over again, that you don't understand, and that you don't wish to.

As for ayour argument that we may use Allah, but the translation in our Bible is not right... I don't understand it. You are in the group MENENTANG PENGGUNAAN NAMA ALLAH OLEH GOLONGAN BUKAN MUSLIM. But nevermind that.

How do we then translate: I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; Do not have any other gods before me?

No, rest assured, none of us here hate you, or find what you write offensive, however, bear in mind that we are no fools. We know when you are sincere, and when you are not.

There is a lot of bigotry when it comes to Catholicism, many misconceptions and misunderstanding... The only way to counteract such bigotry is by telling the truth, [as we know it]. However, in my experience, many do not wish to listen, or to understand, wanting to believe what they choose to believe. This type of bigotry reflects on the ignorance of the person itself. A, S, B, P, C and myself have defended our church and our faith, but we are also prepared to let go and to move on.

If God chooses that you understand one day, it will happen. And I trust in Him to let that happen. In His Will, and in His Time.

However, if you wish to know what the Catholic concept of God is, as much as I was taught, like C says, it is Love. In my home, we have a beautiful picture. In it is a Cross. One the Top of the Cross was written God. One the right was Faith. One the left was Hope. One the bottom was Love. And the words: And the greatest of these is Love.

Why do we not react to the bombings of our churches? Because we understand that concept. We practise it. There is a hymn sung in church, it goes: They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love... They will know we are Christians by our love.

GOD IS LOVE. Faith, Hope, Love. And the greatest of these is Love. On this facebook group itself, are the words that are the greatest testimony of Christian living: LET ALL THAT YOU DO BE DONE IN LOVE.

You keep saying we are hurt. You are wrong over and over again.

No we aren't.

Because we are Christians. Because we let our actions speak louder than our words. Because we believe GOD IS LOVE. And because we let others know we are Christians by our Love.

WE LET ALL THAT WE DO BE DONE IN LOVE. BECAUSE OUR GOD IS A LOVING GOD. OUR GOD IS LOVE.

And by His Great Love, He gave us His Son, that we may Understand that Love, Feel it, Know it, Learn it, Practise it, Preach it. Because in His Infinite Wisdom, He knew that by such Great LOVE, He would give us Faith, and Hope.

And here we are, 2010 years later. Still going Strong. Because of His Great Love. And we will preach our Christianity by PRACTISING it.

NOT by hundreds of academical discussions and papers.

But by LIVING our lives as Christians. By LIVING our lives with LOVE. By touching the lives of the people that come into contact with us and giving them Faith and Hope that there is STILL humanity, there is STILL forgiveness, there is STILL love in this world despite the hatred we see around us. Every single day.

Now do you understand why I say our religion is a LIVING religion? It is not about a book. It is about LIVES. It is about CHRISTIAN LIVING. It is about practising, on a day-to-day basis what it MEANS to become CLOSER to God.

You can read about religion as much as you want. Espouse it in forums, debate it with learned people in conference rooms, in libraries all around the world. But do you PRACTISE it? Do you LIVE it? Do you KNOW what God means? What he TRULY means? Have you spent your time tending to the cancer patients who are dying? Gone to spend time with people whose only thoughts are of survival?

How will the people who need to survive KNOW God when they can't even read? When they have nothing to eat?

You can argue phrases after phrases, verses after verses to them... but do you show them Kindness? Do you show them Compassion? Do you give them Faith? Do you give them Hope? In humanity? Do you show them LOVE?

We who profess with our tongue that Christ is our Lord and our God, CAN.

We CAN. We HAVE. We WILL.

We don't believe in salvation by faith alone. But by faith, and by good works practised because of that faith. By our lives, we have proven it.

We have done it time after time again.

Pope John Paul II forgave and BLESSED his Muslim assasinator.

Mother Teresa sacrificed her beauty, her youth, her life for the poor of Calcutta.

We Christians here in Malaysia, are rallying to pray for the forgiveness of those who bombed our churches, and also to protect and guide us in this time of persecution and trial.

We Christians live by example. And THAT is the way we KNOW our God. THAT is the way we UNDERSTAND Him.

Not on paper. Not in a book. Not on forums or discussion boards. But with our spirits. With our souls. With our very lives.

God bless you, and peace be upon you.

AMEN.

2010

2010-01-08T21:11:00.002+08:00

So many things have happened recently....

And I have so many things on my mind...

But before all that, I figure I should write out what I plan to do this year first. Not exactly resolutions, just some goals:

1. To step out of my comfort zone.

I want to do things I never thought I would do, things I never thought I COULD do. Well, if given the opportunity, I'd like to try. It's time. How would I know what I can or cannot do if I do not try?

2. To live life.

To attempt work-life balance, to stop and smell the roses sometimes, to enjoy what I do, or to find something to enjoy. We have only one life to live, after all.

3. To write again.

I've been putting this off for years, it's time to pick this up again. Who knows where it will bring me?

4. To travel more.

I've always loved travel and culture. Now that AirAsia has zero fares, it should not be an excuse to not do the things I love. I recently got back from Manila and loved it. I should do this more often. Even if I do it alone.

5. To be happy with myself.

For so long, I let my insecurities get in my way. This year I want to learn to enjoy my own company, like I used to. To do things on my own a little bit more. I've started doing that again in 2009, and I hope in 2010 to continue.

6. To take more serious steps about my 5 year goal.

To save more money, to look to the future, to plan for a house, to plan for a career. I'm not getting any younger. It's time.

7. To pick up a hobby.

Gardening, dancing. Something. I haven't figured that out yet, it wouldn't be easy. But it's a goal, nonetheless.

8. To be a better person.

Simple. Just to be better than 2009. Humbler, kinder, more loving, more compassionate.

I think these are good goals to work towards... now I hope I can keep this up, not just for this year, but for years to come. :)

Emo :P

2009-11-08T21:04:00.005+08:00

Excuse the emo post...

This is from a Taiwanese drama based on a true story by the producer Yu Hao Wen: Roseate Love.

梁文音 - 哭過就好了

Rachel Liang - I'll Be Fine After Crying

詞:姚若龍曲:陳小霞

不喜歡懷疑什麼

Not liking to suspect anything

並不表示我沒有感受

Doesn't mean that I have no feelings

看你微妙的變化慢慢不同

Looking at your subtle changes, slowly different

我不是生氣只是心痛

I'm not angry, just hurt

最討厭被誤會了

Disliking most to be misunderstood

但越解釋越覺得難過

But the more I explained, the sadder I got

你可以說人會變

You can say that people will change

但不能說你會這麼做是我的錯

But cannot say; It was my fault that you would do that

Chorus:

哭過就好了

I'll be fine after crying

傷都會好的

My wounds will heal

這樣相信所以深呼吸著割捨

Thus I believe, so I took a deep breath when letting go

愛是為了擁抱　為了牽手

Love is for embracing, for holding hands

不是為了爭吵　為了調頭

Not for arguing, for turning away

哭過就好了

I'll be fine after crying

痛都會走的

Pain will go away

記憶有限　所以它會淘汰壞的

Memory is limited so it'll eliminate the bad ones

失眠聽歌想念雖然苦澀

Although it's an agony to lose sleep, listen to music and miss you

還是謝謝你讓我長大了

I still thank you for letting me grow up

越多美好堆疊的過往

The past has more good times piled up

想忘就得推倒更大的悲傷

Deeper sorrows need to be overturned to be forgotten

要找勇氣卻不在口袋或手上

The courage I need to find is not in my pocket or my hand

但它一定在我身上某個地方

But it must be somewhere within me

哭過就好了

I'll be fine after crying

痛都會走的

Pain will go away

記憶有限　所以它會淘汰壞的

Memory is limited so it'll eliminate the bad ones

失眠聽歌　想念雖然苦澀

Although it's an agony to lose sleep, listen to music and miss you

還是謝謝你讓我長大了

I still thank you for letting me grow up

Whatever....

2009-10-31T15:06:00.005+08:00

I haven't been into the kitchen for about 4 months....

And I haven't stepped into it for a good 2 weeks, except to get water, which is right at the kitchen's edge.

Because previously there was a fight about me not cleaning up, me not caring about the house, me being selfish, me not taking out the trash, me not wanting to live in harmony....

Needless to say, I was Very Pissed Off. When I first moved in here, I cleaned not just my room, but the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room. I spent a good few days cleaning the place and making it habitable.

All everyone had to do was just to maintain it.

Of course, at the time, I was in between work, and I was free to do all that.

And naturally, once I started working, I didn't have as much time to clean up all the time.

It is EVERYONE's house, not just mine. And even if I'm the only girl in the house, everyone had a role to play.

Of course, I'm not perfect. No one is... I sometimes leave things in the sink overnight because: a) I forgot about it and b) I don't like to scrub the pans, it ruins them.

But I'll wash up the next morning, I've never left it there more than a night. And I DEFINITELY do not expect any one of them to wash up after me.

But what was said to me was really too much. They made it sound as if I'm a freeloader, and I've never once played my part in the household. That was what made me really really mad.

Twice before, the trash turned into a breeding ground for maggots. And twice it was me who ended up cloroxing the damn kitchen down and cleaning up.

After the quarrel, there was a time I came back from Penang and the entire house was stinking of trash, it was like a dumping ground. So I told one of the main tenants about it, and I said: You know I don't use the kitchen anymore, just as I know you don't either. I'd take it out this once, because if we left it there till tomorrow, it'd start growing maggots.

So I took it out. Even if not a single one of it is my damn trash, and I had actually tried, to avoid misunderstanding and more arguments, to prepare a duty roster for everyone. Needless to say, the roster didn't work either.

Today, after not stepping into the kitchen area for 4 months, after not using a single thing in the place other than the kettle and the sink for water, I walked into the kitchen in broad daylight to do my laundry.

The trash was full to the brim. The trash was stinking..... and they were maggots on the floor. All over the kitchen.

I was accused of not throwing my trash. I was accused of messing up the kitchen. I was accused of not cleaning up. I was accused of not doing my part. I was told to Fuck Off....

They laugh behind my back about my habits. For them, I'm just a useful pest that helps them pay the rent, and it's best that I don't use anything but pay for it anyway.

Now that I haven't contributed to a single trash in that kitchen. I have not even touched a single utensil, including the fridge. I have not made any mess to even clean up in the first place. I have no part to play at all with regards to the kitchen. I have, essentially Fucked Off the kitchen.

I wonder whose trash is that that caused the maggots to be crawling all over the kitchen?

I wonder how long the maggots have been there to start with?

And I wonder who is to be held accountable for it this time?

Me, again?

I'm not going to clean up after them this time around. Honestly, I don't care.

Am I being C.A.L.C.U.L.A.T.I.V.E.? Really? If I am, then I don't know what they are being.

I may be a girl, but I'm not a doormat. And if they are truly men, they should know better than to treat me like one.

Time for Miracles...

2009-10-18T21:03:00.002+08:00

Did I mention I think Adam Lambert should've won American Idol?

Well, this is why... from the soundtrack of 2012.

Perhaps it's time for miracles now:

It’s late at night and I can’t sleep

Missing you just runs too deep

Oh I can’t be thinking of your smile

Every kiss you can’t forget

This aching heart ain’t broken yet

Oh God I wish I could make you see

Cause I know this flame isn’t dying

So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cause I ain’t giving up on love

You know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cause I ain’t giving up on love

No I ain’t giving up on us

I just want to be with you

Cuz living is so hard to do

When all I know is trapped inside your eyes

The future I cannot forget

This aching heart ain’t broken yet

Oh God I wish I could make you see

Cuz I know this flame isn’t dying

So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cuz I ain’t giving up on love

You know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cause I ain’t giving up on love

No I ain’t giving up on us

Baby can you feel it(feel it)

You know I can hear it(hear it)

So can you feel it feel it….

You know it’s time….

Baby you know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cuz I ain’t giving up on love

You know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cuz I ain’t giving up on love

You know I ain’t giving up on us

You know I ain’t giving up on

Oh I ain’t giving up on us

~Time for Miracles, Performed by: Adam Lambert, Written by: Alain Johannes and Natasha Shneider~

The Keepers

2009-10-17T07:30:00.002+08:00

You may be the keeper of shadows and secrets.... but I'm the keeper of light and truth.

It doesn't matter if I embarrass myself, because for me, it's better embarrassing myself once than for the rest of my life. Which is why I'd go to great lengths to find out if I'm living a lie.

Going off to see nature now. Really need the break. Fed up with all the hypocrisy and the shadows around me here in the city.

At least, nature never lies.

Mornings

2009-09-30T10:28:00.005+08:00

It's really nice to wake up to the smell of food wafting up from the kitchen.... :) When I was young, I'd had thought I'd be married by this age :)

Funny how life is... it rarely turns out the way you expect it to.

Vicissitudes

2009-09-27T00:04:00.002+08:00

I know the only constant in life is change.... yet if I have not convictions, or principles, I am nothing.

At least, sir, even if we come from opposing viewpoints, you, as a man of convictions and principles, should be able to understand that, or understand that that is common ground between us.

Peace

2009-09-24T09:53:00.003+08:00

Wednesday, 23 September 2009. 2059 hours.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. And the reason will reveal itself in due time. Also that things will fall in place when you're ready for it.

Today I ran into someone I haven't 'ran into' for more than 3 years. Yet I was in love with him for 6 years. Funny. We used to 'run into' each other often enough.

I find that it is indeed a blessing to be able to stand tall, look him in the eyes, greet him by name and say 'Hi'. And to find that you don't blubber, or stutter, or blush, or gasp, or feel little butterflies. But that you're calm and at peace with yourself. When asked 'How are you?', you can actually smile and say 'I'm good, thanks.' and mean it, and be able to walk away without looking back. Because you are.

You're comfortable with who you are, where you are and where you're going, and happy with your life in general.

And all you feel when you look at your recently married former heartbreak is a mere slight twinge of nostalgia for the days when you could share a meal and laugh at inane things that strike your fancies, knowing that those days are no more, and not regretting it.

Knowing also that you've known for a pretty long while that he wasn't meant for you, and being alright with that knowledge.

An Open Letter to that Someone in his life

2009-09-16T07:26:00.006+08:00

Hi...

Right now I'm a stranger to you. I wonder if you know about me, just as I do about you. I'm quite certain you do. We have common friends after all. And much as we would like to avoid it, there's always a chance we might end up meeting each other. Whether we like it or not, the world's not that big a place at all. Not enough to completely disappear in forever.

I wonder too, if I should smoke you out. As I know you have questions about me, as much as I do about you.

I know you decided one day, perhaps around the middle of the year, to leave his ghost behind you. I can identify. I've tried doing that to others before him too.

I know there was a point in his life you held on to him most dearly, hoping he'd return your affections, finding it painfully difficult to let go, and never completely doing so, although you knew that it was best for your sanity to do so. I also know that although he tried letting you walk away, it's in his nature to let the world know he feels pain, and because he loves the adulation, it's hard for him to let any female just walk away. Takes nerves of steel and a lot of heart-hardening for a female to do so. Even perhaps ripping a part of your heart out and leaving it behind just so you can find the anger and pain to give you the courage to go. And perhaps you have finally, after so many years, grew the nerves to do so.

I can identify. Perhaps, not fully understand, but identify somewhat. After all, it took me 6 long years to finally put my foolish unrequited love behind me.

Like you, I had fooled myself into believing he loved me. Although it was perhaps merely emotional and physical attraction on his part, and a lot of affection, but nothing more. Like you, I should have perhaps not allowed him to cajole me into crossing a line I had set for myself. Like you, I had fallen victim to my passions, and perhaps, youthful images of romance which, like you, I had tried so hard to hold back and repress.

We were both young and foolish once. We both have had our hearts broken by men we had put our energies and time in, and pinned our hopes and dreams on. We both had a certain image of happiness crumble to dust at our feet, and we have had ourselves to blame while we tried picking them up and trying our darnedest to put them back together, knowing it would be forever scarred and forever changed. We have both grown up much from those days. We have both had our fair share of pain.

So forgive me for intruding into the calm you've tried so hard to find for yourself. I know you've abandoned your thoughts at one place. But those used to writing and needing a space to confide in, no matter if no one knows of it would always return to writing, albeit someplace else. I know that after going from place to place, and abandoning your thoughts here and there, and after trying to cut him out of your life altogether now, you've made a mini-comeback elsewhere. I'm also aware that you'd rather he not know where it is. And I can understand and respect that.

I wonder if I should send this your way. I apologise if this is unwelcome or uncomfortable. But because both he and I would both be moving in new directions, and like you, I'd like to lay some ghosts to rest, myself. Unfortunately, because I know of your relationship with him, although he didn't know to what extent my intuition allowed me insights into the situation, even when he and I were together, you're one of those ghosts. And my intuition also tells me due to his penchant to attempt to keep his secrets close to his chest, because firstly, he forgets, and secondly, in his own warped way, he believes he's shielding me from the harm of knowing too many of his demons, and thirdly, he knows that if I know too many things, I will distrust him. He believes I'm paranoid. And he's right. To a certain extent.

I trust no one. Not even myself. 'Myself' has led me into many a trouble more than once. The only thing I trust are things that are intangible. Like intuition. It's saved my hide many times. Like karma. What goes around comes around. I've seen that happen often enough, and I'm glad for it. Like a higher entity. Call it God. Call it Cosmic Force. Call it Higher Power. It's protected my soul and my physical shell many times.

He's only human. Like myself. Like you. We're fallible. We make errors. I know he's trying to make amends now. For his own sake. I know he realises now that he's let many people and many things and many years and many opportunities pass him by while he struggles to regain his footing and get back into his own game.

Unfortunately, you had to be one of those people used as a form of pawn to help him get back on his feet. I know he didn't mean it to be that way. I know he cared for you very much in his own way. He probably still does. Unfortunately, foolishly, he needed you as a form of emotional crutch, an 'ego-booster' of sorts. He perhaps thought that if you didn't fall in love with him, you'd leave him to his misery faster than any of us could say 'bye'. He wanted affection so badly. Those he wanted thought him friends. In his own way, he probably hoped that one day he could learn to return your love for him too. Unfortunately, he let it go on for so long, by the time he realised he could not love you the way you wanted him to, the damage was done.

He had hurt you deeply and he had no way around it, even if he was genuinely very sorry and guilty about the whole affair. Perhaps that's why although you possibly had a big fat bank account, while he had to fight with me over things as mundane as coming for a visit, he let you siphon off him anyway, even when we were together.

And you possibly felt it was justified, cruelly thinking that since he found some semblance of happiness while you were still wallowing in misery, it was right that he compensated for stringing you along for years. You've probably showed him more than you've shown any other male, and let him see you in ways you'd never allow anyone else to ever see.

I'm sorry. For the hurt he's caused you. For the hurt my being around compounded on you. And for my bringing this up. But I need to know what happened, which I know I may never get from his side of the story, and if my intuition is right. I need to get past this to close that chapter, regardless of where he and I end up. Like you putting him in write-off tray until, perhaps many years later. Or until you find your own happiness.

I told him once, between a male and a female, once deeper emotions are involved, there's no such thing as 'friends'. Not unless both parties have moved on from each other. It's merely an excuse to keep the emotions going, and to stay together, or keep in touch. Nobody is fooled one bit by that excuse. He said nothing at that point. Perhaps because he's got a few 'friends' he's labelled as such, which, his mind, his heart and his gonads are at serious conflict about. I left him to it, though. I've said my piece, and he knows where I stand on that.

We both need closure. But I'm not going to rape your emotions once more. If you'd rather not, I can completely understand.

Jaded

2009-09-15T01:10:00.004+08:00

I have a grandfather that had two wives.

An uncle that has at least 4 wives. And he's estranged from at least one of them.

Another uncle that was one of my hometown's first top chartered accountants, and lost everything, including possibly, some of his sanity when his wife, who wasn't very beautiful, and definitely not very educated, upped and left him for another man, taking their children with her. And all his money and assets. He lost everything that day.

I have another uncle who did not really have a love marriage. But who was with my auntie for many years, bringing up 5 children together. In recent years, he hooked up with several Indon girls.

A sister-in-law that is a child of divorced parents. Her father went off with another woman. Her sister is divorced due to an accident the hospital could be sued for.

Sometimes I have nothing to say.

I watch all these around me and can't help feeling disappointed and depressed.

I can't help but lose more and more of that blanket of innocence surrounding me, that fresh romanticism of youth. And watch romance with jaded eyes.

I can't help but feel, sometimes, that I never want to be married.

That I never want to be in any of these situations.

Love marriage. Arranged marriage.

You'd think, at how I've witnessed these situations all my life, at how bitter and angry and spiteful adults can be to one another, that they've never once shared a single intimate moment together. That they've never shared affection with each other. That they've never known companionship, or at least a certain companionable silence. You'd think they were born to hate each other with a loathing so complete, it's all-consuming.

I don't know if I've ever known what true love means. How is it like? Would I know it when I see it? Or am I blinded by other passions? Some people never know it. Some lose it before they realise it was there.

What I do know is this:

Falling in love with someone is a feeling.

Loving someone is a choice.

Staying in love with someone is an effort.

Love. And sex. They're both choices.

We choose to work on what we have.

We choose to stay committed.

We choose to refrain ourselves from being in situations of temptation. Or walking away when we are.

We choose who we stay in love with.

Because nothing lasts forever. Not without effort. Not without choice.

Like sex. There's no such thing as drunken sex. Even when I got so drunk I couldn't remember my evening the next morning, I was told that rather than going home with someone I was dancing with and who was obviously hitting on me, I chose to go to the toilet and call my friends.

After all, one can choose to NOT get so drunk in the first place.

A lot of things are excuses we make up to cover for our shortcomings. Our flaws. Because we know that if we take a clear looking glass that can look into our souls, we'd cringe at the ugliness we see and find in ourselves. The glass is always tinted...

I don't love her anymore.

She is a jealous and obsessive cunt.

She nags too damn much.

She's so freakin' clingy.

She can't bear me sons.

He hardly has time for me.

He works too hard.

The other man sees me while he doesn't look at me anymore.

Excuses. Valid, perhaps. But does s/he know? Was effort made to rekindle the relationship before moving on to infidelity?

If one is in a committed relationship, infidelity is no excuse. The choice was made. You chose who you wanted to be with. Why cheat? Why not just break up so the other party has a chance to find someone who truly loves him or her? At least, someone who treats him/ her better than you do? Better than you'll ever know how to? Or better than you'll ever WANT to?

Infidelity. It's selfishness and irresponsibility to the core.

I can't stomach it. If you chose me to be Queen to your King... then treat me like one. I don't care if you've treated all your previous women like manure strewn all over your garden or flushed down your septic tank. But if you want me in your life, treat me like the Gold heirloom that was preciously passed from generation to generation. Treat me like a respected Partner. Your Equal. Your other Half.

Else why should I stay? I've seen too much. Heard too much. Watched too much.

There's too much heartbreak in this world. And I'd really rather not bring children into a relationship that's fractured. A child born into a family deserves the love of both parents. Not parents at each other's necks. Not one parent who's in love with another woman but stays with one, just because. Children should be spared that kind of heartbreak whenever possible. A child might as well be born to a single loving parent if that were the case.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm disappointed with the world.

I don't know what I'd do if put in such a situation. I think, rather than fight for someone who plays games with me and cannot commit wholeheartedly to me, the way I would to him, I think I'd rather turn my heart to ice where he's concerned. Pack up my bags and leave, never to return for the next 20 years or so. If he doesn't love me the way ANY woman should be loved, then it's pointless to stay. Whether or not children are in the picture. I'd rather children witness a quiet divorce than watch their two parents growing to hate each other more and more as each day goes by. Or worse, be indifferent to each other.

I don't know. I had 250 people ask me within the space of half an hour, when is my turn to be married. I wish I could tell them sometimes I really don't feel like I should.

I can see myself more a mother than a wife. A child needs me. A child wants me. A child loves me. A child would never have another mother. Not one that brought him/ her up anyway. A child's love would be unconditional. A child would love me as much as I love him/ her. Return my wholehearted affection with his/ her own.

A child would never love in halves.

Perhaps that's what true love is. Loving in whole.

Does he love me in whole? I hope so. What does the future hold though? Thing is, we don't know.

What's this feeling?

2009-07-24T10:15:00.002+08:00

You say it's emotional blackmail.

Maybe you're in denial, maybe it's something that you can't even imagine... but the truth is that it's nothing of the sort... It's what I'm really feeling.

It's that emptiness inside me.

It's that feeling of neglect.

It's that despair engulfing me.

It's loneliness so sharp, it's almost tangible.

It's the feeling I first felt and let fester before I parted ways with you.

Except the last time, it was matched with my anger.

This time around, it's just sadness that I feel. So much sadness, it's like a blanket around me.

I think I'm too tired to get angry anymore.

I guess I finally figured out I can't and I shouldn't bother with anyone who doesn't care to make me feel wanted and needed.

What's this feeling? What's this I'm feeling?

I don't know, really.

Maybe one day, when I open myself up to the world again, and you come across this, you can let me know.

Killing Each Other....

2009-07-19T22:38:00.003+08:00

I do get it...

Like my manager, when you're upset, the whole world knows about it. Especially those close to you. I wonder if that's because you have higher expectations of your closed ones. You can't exactly snap at someone you're working with all the time.

You can't help yourself, that's how you are.

And like my manager's friend who happens to be her teammate, it's hard for me to wonder if it's personal.

Unlike my manager, whom to a certain extent, I keep a certain distance from, cos I still do work under her, I can't keep my distance from you.

And maybe that's where the problem lies....

I don't blame you. That's how you are....

Yet when you snap like that, I can't help but wonder if it's personal... cos that's how I am.... I care, I nurture, I try to understand and I can't help but take things to heart at times.

So there's that.

On the one hand there's you. When you get moody, you snap at whoever's near.

And on the other hand, there's me. I foolishly run in to try to fix your wounds even when you bite.

There's you. And there's me.

Is it possible to marry both without us killing each other one day?

Feeling Useless

2009-07-19T21:12:00.002+08:00

I guess I only make matters worse for u.

So I guess I should take myself out of the equation.

For everyone's sake. Yours and mine.

It's not helping, missing u like this.

Somehow it seems to hurt us both more.

I've been wondering of late, if between us, we are not meant to be.

So I guess, if this works out, it'll work out.

That's the only thing left to say.

Inevitable Dissonance

2009-07-17T09:01:00.002+08:00

What do you look forward to daily?

For me, it was to get on the phone and talk to you.

Because for me, what's the point of being part of two, if I don't look forward to seeing/ speaking to you at the end of each day?

Yet I find that harder and harder to do as the days go by.

I remember once, many moons ago, when you told me that you looked forward to waking up in the morning to talk to me, and the end of each day, to talk to me, too.

I guess.... those were feelings of first bloom.

I wonder when we'd end up being strangers to each other, without us realising that it's already happened....?

I wonder how many twosomes end up drifting apart from one another without realising it, and one day, just waking up to find out that you no longer know the person you're with, who's right next to you... and you wonder if you love them, or you're just too tired of getting back in the game.

I think that's sad. And yet, nowadays I wonder if for some, sometimes that's inevitable.

I don't want to hate....

2009-07-13T19:54:00.002+08:00

That's why I want to be alone for awhile.

I don't know what to think and what to feel anymore.

Seriously, I don't know what to do.

I wonder if it's time to let go completely, and just let the river of fate take it's course.

It makes me sad.

It shouldn't be hard.

It shouldn't be forced.

It should be easy, happy, gentle and free.

Why is it this way?

I was at work early today. I couldn't sleep. My eyes were swollen from a whole night's worth of tears.

I had been afraid about my mid-year review. But I did rather well. I achieved 130% of my target revenue. And my bosses seem happy with my work thus far.

So my professional life has been straightened out. Why is my personal one such a mess?

The Woman in the Mirror

2009-07-12T23:34:00.005+08:00

There was a reason we broke up in the first place.

There was more than one.

And those are reasons that I can't ignore.

If they don't go away, we can stand here over and over again, and nothing will change.

So I think... I'm letting these bad vibes go.

Something has to change. Or someone has to.

I guess it's got to start with the woman in the mirror.

Epiphanies

2009-06-29T01:14:00.003+08:00

It's been a crazy year...

I've done so many things I never expected I'd be able to do.

In my personal life.

At work.

Day-to-day living.

The things I've done.

It amazes me.

The things I've yet to do.

It excites me.

I guess this is what it means, to be letting go, and to just live.

Live and let live, they say.

And it's exhilarating.

Granted I can't do it all, or take it all in at all times.

But I figure... what's important is that I'm trying.

And ultimately, the journey is as important as the destination. If not more.

Signing off now: Good night.

Upset

2009-06-23T02:12:00.002+08:00

Sigh...

I'm still angry. And upset. I guess some things are just irreparable.

Like every kind of relationship, it's a two-way road.

I guess all I can say is that I'm just disappointed by the immaturity he showed.

Pleasantly surprised?

2009-06-21T14:10:00.002+08:00

He told me today he quit his job...

I must say I'm quite shocked...

I know he's been saying he wants to quit for awhile already, but the thing is... I wasn't sure if he'd do it.

I wasn't sure if he was just saying it, or if he really meant it.

So when he told me today he handed in his notice, I was quite shocked.

I'm quite glad though... that he finally brought himself to do it.

But at the same time, I'm very worried... because now that that's done... the next step would be: What now?

Tell me what to do... cos I'm not sure if I've already burnt out.

2009-06-19T01:43:00.004+08:00

Because I'm just so tired.

I almost broke out in tears today at work.... I felt so overwhelmed.

And then finding out he was gonna break yet another promise. It was just too much for me to bear.

I know he's not going through the best of times, and neither am I.

But at least, I still wanna do what I can do to keep things exclusive, to keep things going.

Perhaps he feels differently, I don't know.

I don't know if this still makes me happy, honestly.

I feel more ambivalent than anything else nowadays.

I still love him, very much so.

Yet.... I'm not sure if things will go as far as I thought they would go 2 years ago.

I know I'm clinging to my career... cos it seems like that's the only seemingly sure thing I've got right now.

Cos although I'd like to count on him... I'm not sure if I could, or if I should. He has his own troubles, too. And I'm not even sure if he knows what he wants yet.

I'm afraid for myself, really. Lately, all I've been feeling very much of is weariness, disappointment and sadness.

I'm burning out fast, if I'm not yet already there. And I don't know what to do anymore... for so many things in my life.

Of dreams and dying. Of dying and waiting. Being fucked over.

2009-06-11T18:09:00.004+08:00

i dreamt i died. in a car crash.

and as usual, i wanted to see him, but, as usual, he couldn't make it.

i dreamt i lay dying in the hospital.

i dreamt how i asked for him.

i dreamt i died, waiting for him to appear.

wanting to see him before the crash, wanting to see him while i lay dying, wanting to see him as i drew my last breath.

my timing... it was never good for him. we always were on different time zones.

fuck me, isn't it?

as always, i lay dying. as always, being fucked over.

and the last words he said to me before i died was 'fuck you'. as usual.

2009-06-11T10:31:00.000+08:00

i'm so so tired.

can i just disappear for a long long time?

Burnt

2009-06-05T21:42:00.003+08:00

woke up today feeling horrible.

been having a series of very disturbing dreams.

went out with a friend for lunch today.

so many of my friends are seriously settling down: buying a house together, planning marriage and children.

the subject of further education came up: am i able to juggle a job and study part-time? perhaps it'd be good. to get my mind off other things.

many have been telling me lately: just move along with your life and do the things u've been meaning to do. leave the country. someone somewhere needs you. something someone someplace would appreciate you, and your talents, and your contributions. good, sound advice, that. yet i keep stalling. perhaps i'm afraid of leaving my comfort zone, too.

as one gets older, and circumtances change, so do one's priorities in life.

and if one waits too long, the opportunity that came along would go, and that door closes on u forever. unless u're lucky. which... i don't think i have much of lately.

i was asked why i looked so lousy. and so out it came. some parts. how business and pleasure just doesn't seem to be giving me a break, lately.

how the pressure's been mounting and i'm cracking from the inside out.

i was asked if i can trust again. and i have no answer.

is it my vibes? that each time a fish gets hauled up, the fishes are always bruised, and the net always ends up almost always irrevocably damaged?

and so the net gets more and more damaged with each new haul.

like me. the trust gets chipped off more and more with each one that passes through.

can i trust again? i don't know. it'd certainly take a lot of effort on both parties. and a lot of patience. and a lot of outward expressions of real, undiluted affection, sharing and caring.

and not breaking each other's trust for a long, long time. and saying what we mean, as well as meaning what we say. always keeping our word to each other. and yes, a lot of sacrifices on his part as well.

he's been at a place of comfort for so long. i don't know if he can do all that. and i certainly do not wish to strong-arm him into doing what he doesn't want to do.

and i can understand why he doesn't want to get out of the life he's built around himself. it's frightening to go out there, put urself out there and try again. it can also be discouraging and painful. it takes a lot of courage, a lot of effort, and a lot of tears. i really can't blame him, even if at one point i did.

i suppose that's why i've stopped asking.

i just do what i have to do for myself now. to learn to be just that little bit stronger.

a few nights ago, a friend of his asked me if i could take it, his condition. i can sense the innuendo: if i could live with the knowledge that if we really did get together, i may end up widowed early. we may never have our own children. all the many complications that are certain to turn up.

i have thought of all that. i suppose the only thing i'm asking for is that he seeks real help and do what he has to do to ensure his condition improves: overhaul his entire life.

at least then, we may have some hope.

yet that's what he may not be willing to do. that may be asking a little too much. i mentioned it once, but he was quiet. so i don't ask anymore.

i did bring up my concerns. i did say i can't imagine being with someone who can't be around very much. and he said he understood.

so many questions... so little answers. things have changed... yet they're all still the same.

i guess i'm different now. i know now that i can't save the world. i can try saving it one soul at a time, but i can't force myself on someone. i can't make the decision for him/ her.

that realisation frightened me. it means not being in control. it means letting go. it means, to a certain extent, caring a little less. because caring too much for someone also means that someone can hurt u deeply.

such is life.

i'm burnt. and burnt out. and i think, for awhile, at least, i just want to climb up on my rock and be alone.

Doubt as an Element of Faith

2009-05-20T23:05:00.007+08:00

I remember talking to a friend in California who had lost touch with his faith in 2007. I remember him telling me about how he doesn't believe in his religion anymore. Although, when he was a lot younger, he used to be almost fanatical about Catholicism.

I remember, how, as a child, I attended church camps, and one of the visiting priests had, during one Q&A session about our faith, discuss the mysteries of the church, and encouraged us to keep questioning ourselves, because that is the only way to lead us to the truth. It keeps us from getting complacent about our faith. And to avoid taking it for granted.

I remember how, at 16, my father insisted I tutored under a good old La Sallian brother, and how he had encouraged my writing, and allowed me to borrow from his personal library for free, with only one condition, to return them once I was done. And how, he too, indirectly, had encouraged me to learn by questioning.

WHY. Out of the 4W1H, it is the most important question. What Where When Why How. Why is always the most difficult to answer. Yet the most important. Because as what I had learnt from Psychology and Sociology in university, what motivates people is always the most elusive, and the most difficult to understand.

It requires you to get into the person's head, and into the person's shoes, and attempt walking a thousand steps in his shoes to attempt to glean even the most little understanding of what motivates him. And that is usually the most incomprehensible of all. People, in general, hate someone else questioning their motives. Common questions would be:

1. Don't you trust me?

2. Why must you know?

3. Isn't faith enough?

4. Why do you doubt me so?

5. Have a little faith in me, will you?

What most people fail to understand is that trying to find out the motivations of another person is always more painful than accepting the person at face value. It takes more effort. More tears. Because it means delving deeper than what is at the surface, than what is comfortable. What is readily shown to the rest of the world. People generally shy away from what appear to be painful or difficult, and uncomfortable, especially in today's era of self-gratification. No one wants to look like the bad guy.

It is always easier to accept when a person says: I'm like this. I'm just always bad-tempered.

It's easier to accept that response and just stay at arm's length.

It's harder to ask: 'Why is he bad-tempered?' And to attempt finding out why and risking losing the person's friendship/ risking being yelled at/ etc.

Only if one perseveres, does a person find out that: Oh, he has an illness. He is constantly haemorrhaging. It leaves him tired and ill-tempered all the time. He needs help. He needs understanding.

It just goes to show how the extra effort that was being made can help spur understanding and forge a deeper relationship. How a little doubt can become an element of a deeper faith. The faith being the general goodness of people. That normally people do have a good reason when they're upset.

And yes, the above was a true example.

Like religion, accepting the general misconception that Catholics worship the Mother Mary, could have stopped me from finding out and having a deeper faith. And that doubt in said worship spurred me on to discover that it was not a worship, but a respect for her that started the Hail Marys. That the prayer was not one of worship, but of intercession. It meant: Intercede for me in my prayer to your Son. Help me bring my message to your Son, and to His Holy Father.

I don't claim to know everything about my religion. I'm just a baby in that aspect. But learning through questioning my faith, is a good start to keep me from being lazy.

Like every other aspects of my life, the question WHY has spurred me to greater heights than every other question. Where, When, What, How is easily deduced from most scenarios. But the question WHY is what has spearheaded all the greatest inventions and discoveries of our time.

The greatest example perhaps being: Why does the apple fall straight to the ground from the tree? The discovery of Gravity by Sir Isaac Newton. Which spearheaded many many other great scientific discoveries of the 20th and 21st century. Including space exploration.

The question WHY is what opens up our minds to the bigger possibilities out there. Keeps us from being a lazy bum and generally accepting our lot in life. It spurred the Enlightenment and the Renaissance movement. It started many a Revolution all around the world. It got us out of the Dark Ages.

WHY. I was raised to question. I was trained to ask the question. As a child born to science teachers. As a trained microbiologist and partially trained sonographer. WHY was the most important question.

The cells are not growing. WHY.

The child in the womb has a collapsed lung. WHY.

The question WHY can save relationships and, on an even more important scale, save lives. It's a question I cannot ignore, even if someone close to me dislikes the question the most.

WHY should not be a question that is feared. But one that is respected and cherished as a means to enhance our relationships and our lives. Whether that be our relationship with our parents, our siblings, our friends, our loved ones, our colleagues, nature, or even God.

It enriches us. Challenges us to be better people. Humbles us as we question OUR OWN motivations. Spurs us to greater heights. Holds us to the ground as much as it exalts us to the sky. Keeps us open to other possibilities. Retains our enthusiasm for the people around us and for life itself.

As President Barack Obama puts it in his speech at Notre Dame: But remember too that the ultimate irony of faith is that it necessarily admits doubt. This doubt should not push us away from our faith. But it should humble us. It should temper our passions, and cause us to be wary of self-righteousness. It should compel us to remain open, and curious, and eager.

His speech was widely touted as one that redefined faith. Yet he wasn't the first man that had tried to tell the world this small kernel of wisdom. The priest at that church camp almost 15 years ago had said the same in less rhetoric terms. So did the good old La Sallian brother. So did Martin Luther, which sparked the revolution in the Catholic church, and sparked the Lutheran/ Presbysterian faith. It's one that wise men over the ages had tried to instill in a stubborn humanity.

But perhaps the radical young President's were the most rhetoric (as he is famous for), the most radical (for a country as secretly conservative, traditionalist, egotistical, selfish and narrow-minded as the United States of America) and the most unexpected. It was also perhaps, the most widely aired, and the most far-reaching, as most of the world is still running on the fever that is Obamamania. That may not be a bad thing. The young President may be shrewd and wise enough to utilise his high publicity to try and give the world a new perspective on the relationship between doubt and faith. And the great importance of the word WHY.

It may be what the US of A, and the rest of the world needs after all. Redefining Faith. Understanding the importance of the word WHY. Perhaps we would all start asking ourselves the most important question of all.

1. Why am I afraid?

2. Why am I behaving this way?

3. Why do I feel this way?

4. Why am I at this job?

5. Why am I with this person?

6. Why am I in this country?

7. Why am I limitting myself?

8. Why are we waging a war on terror?

9. Why do we call this the World Cup when it's only USA?

10. Why are we still polluting the earth?

and so it goes.

Doubt as an element of faith.... WHY do you think I am always questioning myself? And you?

The Rule of Nemesis

2009-05-16T00:37:00.004+08:00

If even lawyers are protesting against how the law is being conducted.... something is very very wrong...

Nemesis' hands would be running through the land and drawing blood... because justice must be meted out, and one cannot be up for too long.

And so it is

2009-05-14T23:05:00.002+08:00

"It's peculiar and unnerving in a way to see so many young people walking around with cellphones and iPods in their ears and so wrapped up in media and video games. It robs them of their self-identity. It’s a shame to see them so tuned out to real life" — Bob Dylan to Rolling Stone

When we don't even know who we are, we wouldn't know where we are coming from or where we are going.

Hope

2009-05-11T16:30:00.002+08:00

Perhaps there's hope yet.

The unexpected turn of events in the Land of the Pomelo and Pomelo Girls surprise me.

Which is worrisome, in a way. Have we come to such a low level of disconsolate apathy, despair and cynicism that when the law actually did the right thing, we're surprised?

It does shine a tiny sliver of hope, though... and given the recent events in the country, in my work, and in my life... a little bit of hope is much cause of rejoicing.

Although, at the back of my mind... as usual, out of sheer habit, is very, very wary.

And that's worrisome too... have I built such a wall around myself and my mind that I can't throw caution to the wind and rejoice with no-holds-barred?

I wish I were 16 again... and I could revel in such a manner.

Well, let's hope and pray for the state of the nation.

Things may get ugly henceforth.

Then again, nothing in life worth having comes easy.

Looking Glass

2009-05-11T09:08:00.005+08:00

I bring it all to the arena - mud-slinging and all. You hide behind your pain and swipe when no one's looking.

We deal with conflict and communication differently.

Does that drive a wedge?

I can't promise that it's never gonna rain. I know for a fact that we would be getting typhoons and torrential downpours from time to time.

All I can promise is that if I'm committed, come hell or high water, I'll stand by you. Despite the typhoons. Despite the downpours. Despite the blazing heat.

My concern is whether you share the same level of commitment. Would you stay true, or would you run to others' waiting arms or have a Scott Summers - Emma Frost thing the moment the tide waters come crashing to the shore?

Because you know you wouldn't be able to live with that thought either.... knowing that you're dispensable to the one person that matters.

Between two people... all the pinnacles of your life matters more with the other person around. He's the person you want beside you when your dreams come true, he's the person you want to hold when the hopes come crashing down.

But when you see the expectations you share with him explodes in your face in smithereens... what then?

And that's the million dollar question only you can answer.

Dying Embers

2009-05-01T23:27:00.003+08:00

Dear Lily,

Show me how. Give me strength.

Because the blood is running cold. And the juice is running out. And time is against me.

And there's no one to turn to. Not anymore.

So help me if you can.

Lost

2009-04-09T19:37:00.000+08:00

I'm glad...

2009-04-08T21:58:00.002+08:00

that the two hills have arisen... and the coalition is sliding down the slope fast...

but not fast enough, imho... still, it's better than nothing...

this place is quickly going up in flames, and I'm not sure where to turn for comfort...

Question

2009-04-08T21:57:00.001+08:00

I guess... what I want to know is... have I made any difference at all in your life?

Angels On The Moon

2009-04-07T22:02:00.002+08:00

A friend sent this song my way today...

Do you dream, that the world will know your name?

So tell me your name (tell me your name)

Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all? (or anything at all)

I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel (I wanna feel)

I wanna a sunburn, just to know that I'm alive

To know I'm alive (to know I'm alive)

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know

If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go

Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon

Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Do you believe, in the day that you were born?

Tell me, do you believe? (do you believe)

And do you know, that every day's

The first of the rest of your life?

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know

If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go

Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon

Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

This is to one last day in the shadows

And to know a brother's love

This is to New York City angels

And the rivers of our blood

This is to all of us, to all of us

So don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know

If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon

Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts

'Bout the stars that fill polluted skies

And show me where you run to

When no one's left to take your side

But don't tell me where the road ends

'Cause I just don't wanna know,

No I don't wanna know

Don't tell me if I'm dying

~Thriving Ivory's Angels On The Moon~

The Dragonflies are here again....

2009-04-07T20:59:00.007+08:00

For some reason, I found myself almost back to where I was 2 years ago...

I'm working till 9-10pm again.

I found the old playlist I used to listen to in IA.

I'm alone again.

It's as though things came full circle.

Except I'm in a new company. And I've had my heart given a little bit of hope, then thrown into a liquid nitrogen-filled grinder, made more brittle than ice, and then crushed to powder.

And I'm even writing on little pieces of paper again. Lest I forget who I am, what I thought, and what I wanted to say.

Even the dragonflies are showing themselves to me again.

And what I'm feeling is bittersweet...

He was almost always too busy for me... it felt even more so when I was feeling really down, and/ or stressed and/ or sick. It came to a point where sometimes I wouldn't even tell him, cos it wasn't going to make any difference anyhow.

And despite all his many proclamations of devotion and romanticism, I've been left bare... and cold...

Too many empty promises... and too many impatient cries of, 'have some patience'.

Too much heartbreak all over the place, while I'm left empty and cold and fragile inside.

Too much frustration and despair, after every major fight, or cold war, while he scrolls his mental Rodolex on to 'Next'. Yes, I could do the same, but I didn't want to.

Too much crying myself to sleep, while he turns to and..... chats with the elaines and the maries and the next cutesy almond-eyed chinadoll thingamabobs with the what are you doings and/ or the what are you wearings and/ or the where are you nows and the you're looking goods.... while i'm huddled alone in my sleep, getting colder and emptier on the inside....

Listening to my friend talk about her relationship and her marriage made me sad...

Reflecting on what I had been, made me sadder still... am I to only be the emotional crutch while he brings his dreams and hopes and smiles and laughter and warmth elsewhere?

And when they're done, I'm always there.

And he talks to them who's never known me, who's never really known our story, who never bore witness to the sudden beginning and to the painful end, and all they think I am is the girl who's... ALWAYS THERE.

I've always been there. Through the sadness, through the frustration, through the despair, through the depression, through the bad dreams, through the illnesses.

I've always been there. Battered, bruised, cut wide open. Pulverised.

I built myself up. So I could always be there.

I've always been there.

Yes, in his own way he loves me. But perhaps, we have such irreconcilable differences when it comes to our ideas of love and relationships.

Things may have come full circle. But nothing will ever be the same again. Not after all of these.

The dragonflies... they show themselves to me again. Perhaps it's an omen.

Perhaps there's hope and redemption for me in a fresh new start away from here.

In Emily

2009-04-06T09:37:00.007+08:00

We were talking, a few friends and I.

And somehow, the discussion led to love and marriage and sex.

Then one of them gave me thought...

For those who've never truly been in love, perhaps it's hard to fathom, much less to swallow.

Why would anyone, if there were major grouses, want to get married to their partner?

If he brags he's all romantic, but he's never done anything truly worthwhile that points to that direction at all, after many moons of being together?

If he's thoughtless and always forgetful, why bother?

If sex with him is not that great after all, then why?

Are there ever any real answers to love and relationships?

At least she knows he's too goody-two-shoes he wouldn't look at another. And I was quiet. I have no response about that.

I wonder why we go on when things seem so futile, so fruitless. When many times, the frustration and despair seem to completely overwhelm. When we wish we could harden our hearts and just walk away without looking back.

So why do we trudge along when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Are we to bump blindly in the dark for eternity?

She said so herself, it didn't get better after marriage.

I look at her, and I wonder what strength she has to have married him. To still want to try.

Do I have that?

The Words in My Head

2009-04-05T15:36:00.004+08:00

She speaks as though she spoke the words in my own head.

I suppose it takes a certain amount of a certain type of experience to be able to know how it truly feels like....Thank you, stranger.

I Hear You..

I learned early this morning that,

When what you really want is clear and apparent to you,

You will go out to achieve it, inevitably - especially,

When success is almost there; but not quite,

The hunger of want drives you into action.

I also learned that happiness is my own responsibility,

Pushed independence and lack of empathy only pushes me away,

Neither here or there,

Like words unsaid is not necessarily buried or explained,

Evolving into strange thoughts in my head.

Pain only hardens my heart,

Silence doesn't mean it's solved,

Loneliness and all things bittersweet make me my own,

When waiting is the hardest thing,

Isolation where there should be oneness.

I also learned that familiarity makes one feel more at home,

Though experience should never be compared,

Cause matters of the heart is always complicated:

It takes years to build a strong foundation,

One word to bring it all crashing down.

External wounds close up, sometimes leaving a scar,

Internal wounds cuts deep, leaving a hole,

Only time can tell, only time can heal,

Give, give, give until you are the desert,

Give because the taking doesn't seem to stop.

But when you give freely, you shouldn't expect,

Even when you shouldn't, it is only human,

If not an ear, a grace giving heart?

Wisdom to understand? To be on common ground at least?

Compromise maybe?

To love or not to love,

To guard protectively or let go,

To be silly and young, because it keeps you alive,

Bite your tongue to save a few,

Spew justifications to etch your own.

I wish to listen without emotion,

Cause only then I really hear you,

Without condemnation, hurling of hurts,

Without solutions, just being there, just sharing the intimacy,

A place to vent, cry, lean on, be comforted and be filled with hope....

If I can't.... God can.

Blog Trawling... and the Male vs. Female perspective

2009-04-05T12:04:00.004+08:00

I haven't been out trawling blogs for a long while... and this morning, while waiting, I went to visit a friend's blog...

If you're one of those idiots who ask me things like: What makes women think that men want to be anything else other than what they are? Well, this particular blog, and my response should be enough: What makes men think they can have everything without a little sacrifice? Women do not ask you to be completely different, but to make steps to be a BETTER person.

Here is her blog, from a married perspective...

I suppose she was writing about her disappointment (and mind you, she was a newly minted newly-wed) of how things do not necessarily change (despite many promises) for the better after marriage. People make their own choices whether or not to change. Other people may nag, but ultimately.... if a person wants to be a stubborn mule, they would remain one.

People can promise the moon and stars, but action speaks louder than words.

Do take note, italics and bold and different colour/ font sizes were her own emphasis, not mine.

Why I'm not releasing her name, or her link, is because she chose to remain anonymous, writing with a moniker, and I'm not having the same morons who come to MY site to bitch about ME, go over to hers and throw the same kind of tantrum.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

V-Day

Nothing. (Ok, sorry.. I was offered dinner. But going out for dinner right after work, feeling danky in my sweat and in my drabby casual wear? I don't think so .. I wanted to go home first. Then there was complaint on how bad the jam would be. Major turn off. Actually.. you want or don't want to take me out for a nice dinner? If jam also, you can spend time talking to me on the way there and have quality conversation. If really sincerelah, can you do it properly? Instead of .. aiyah .. chin chai lar. Don't you know women like to be romanced? And romancing takes effort and sometimes sacrifice?)

Birthday also nothing. Even my siblings got me chocolates, a card and a really cool looking pen. Even my boss, bought all of us a simple Valentine's Day Lunch.

A friend was saying, "Aiyah all guys are like that wan lah. Married dy can't be bothered ma. More chin chai already"

From this post, I may sound like an insistent, nagging, materialistic woman with expectations sky high. But little do people understand the actual fact. His friend actually said to me the other day: "Aquarians are usually misunderstood." Nobody really bothers to think things differently: it's always easier to blame or think negatively. I'm going to give benefit of a doubt and publish this post tomorrow just to prove a point. I know some will say, you never gave a chance for the person to redeem himself. Like perhaps I'm just quick to blame coz who knows ma, he could have had something planned. Or by me posting this early you're saying he's got no chance to prove me wrong. So ok .. note the publishing time... it is now 10.13AM, 14th February 2008 - Valentine's day. I'm just posting this tomorrow to give benefit of a doubt.

Why do I bitch? Because you bragged. Had you had not bragged about how good and romantic you are, I would not have remembered you ever set the bar that high for yourself, then... I also won't expect as much. Don't tell me you are, then not do it; coz then I'd say you're all talk and no action. Everyone CAN, if they really want to and make the effort to.

To me it's not always the price of it monetarily(like getting me something really expensive), but more the giving of one's self - a small sacrifice. Take for instance a friend is real broke, but still manage to spend RM2.30 on a birthday card. It's the action that counts because as blur as I may be at times, I do see and note your efforts. In fact, it would mean so much more to me, knowing that despite being really broke, you were still willing to spend some on a sweet little card. THAT action is precious to me and makes me see how precious I am to you. I'm also pro something nice and creative(like even if you made your own card), coz then it would mean you took time to plan it properly.

It's a bit like Christian tithing; though some may struggle giving away a fraction of their "security", imagine how honored God must feel that you actually sacrificed and practice faith that He will provide ALL of your NEEDS.

The jizz here for being the romantic person you say you are, is not so much the amount, to me anyways. I'm sure a lot of women would disagree; gushing that anything expensive is a sure thing to their hearts. I'm not saying it doesn't, generally, but it is not a must and not a marker for me to sum up how much a person loves.

It's the fact that you willingly gave what little that you have. THAT to me, is a precious action in itself.

I know you'd argue that the way everyone show love is subjective. But think again, if you're trying to impress the one you love, you WILL have to do it HER way. Not your way. OR better yet, if your way doesn't seem to cut it. Why do you keep at it? Why not change methods and be open about other ways. Coz when you do that, then you make clear effort to get to know her: what she likes and enjoys, her character and mannerisms. Nothing impress a women more than being noticed and being understood.

Unconditional

2009-03-16T19:22:00.001+08:00

Confusion

2009-03-16T01:51:00.003+08:00

some people do not believe in second chances... for them, it's too little too late.

while others do. others think that people would need their space to grow and to learn. and it's good sometimes to have a breather.

for me, i don't know... i do believe that in everything in life, a person should not be judged by the mistakes that they made, but by their capacity to learn (i.e., to not repeat their mistakes)

people are human after all, and we fell many many times before we finally learnt how to walk.

i also do think that if both parties' values and principles are aligned, both are willing to compromise, second chances are possible...

and yet, i don't know... i'm confused...

misanthrope?

2009-03-14T20:08:00.004+08:00

i was talking to a friend. one of my best buddies. probably the sister i never had.

and i just realised i had income tax forms to fill... so i called dad for awhile. i know very little about income taxes.

mom picked up the phone. dad was driving. he was taking her out for dinner and a 'walk-around' cos she's stressed. she's gonna have an exam on thursday, or something :P

i told C that. and we both commented how adorable my parents were... SO KIIIUUUUTTTTT!!! yeah...

and she said:

awwww so cuteeeeeeeee

i like cute parents

u know what?

8:04pm

me:

yeah me too

what what?

8:04pm

i tink our parents generation is the last to be togehter gehter till the end

u know?

the new parents now... omfg they scare me

triple divorces

kids everywhere

and she's right...

i replied:

yeah i know what u mean abt divorces

so sad

n that's what

i'm afraid of

ppl nowadays

too many choices

too much temptation

n yet not trained to have any willpower

it's the age of self-gratification

make that INSTANT self-gratification :(

isn't it?

so many choices, but less trained to willpower.

so much technological telecommunications, iPhone, computers, high-speed broadband... yet so little communication.

it's disappointing, really.

and it makes me cry.

and it makes me so afraid of committing to a relationship.

our generation- always looking for easy answers to everything. too afraid to work hard for something worthwhile. taking things for granted...

i see so many people getting married, those around my age: and within 5 years, the veneer of a perfect marriage comes crashing down, and what's left for all the world to see is an acrimonious, ugly divorce. mud-slinging everywhere. where was the love that brought them together in the first place?

the anger, the misunderstanding, the lies, the bitterness: not to sound cliche, but where is the love?

what happened to forever? what happened to the security and solidity of marriage? what happened to wedding vows? to honour, love and respect?

Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies. ~Mother Teresa~

yet this is SUCH an achievement nowadays. to love without getting tired.

to be 55 and still going on dates. to be 70 and still holding hands...

loving without getting tired. it's so rare nowadays.

wasted

2009-03-14T01:31:00.002+08:00

i pushed. because i knew there were bigger things he could definitely achieve if only he weren't afraid to try.

because i cared. for him. and for him to have a better life.

because i wanted him to have dreams again and to reach out and achieve them.

but it's all in vain. does he appreciate it? no.

i stand no chance. i never did.

it's all wasted effort after all.

Forgive Me

2009-03-13T21:57:00.005+08:00

after many of leona's very staid song... i find this to be quite refreshing. however, i find the official music video to this song quite silly, and much prefer this instead. the editting done to match lipstick jungle's scenes to this song was also pretty well done. and heyy... that buckley boy is hawt ;)

lyrics here:

There's a first time for everything

It's definitely one of them nights

I knew when I looked in his eyes

That he was gonna be trouble for me

I never wanted to lie

I knew that my baby would cry

If he knew what we were doing

But if his love don't pass the test

I gotta get it from somewhere else

When I'm gone and I need a man

Hope he understands

Forgive me baby

I gotta take a chance tonight

So I'm gonna be myself; And I

Can't wait no more

Sitting all alone

Man, I really hope

Hope you forgive me

Oh oh

Hope you forgive me

Oh oh

Hope you forgive me

Oh oh

I can wait no more

Man, I really hope

Hope you forgive me

Been a long time since I

Did something good for myself

But why should I be put through hell?

He's doing what he wanna do

I finally found somebody else

Who really wants to make me feel

Things that I've been missing so long

And his love always passed the test

It's a shame I had to look somewhere else

When I'm gone and I need a man

I just hope that he understands

Forgive me baby

I gotta take a chance tonight

So I'm gonna be myself; And I

Can't wait no more

Sitting all alone

Man, I really hope

Hope you forgive me

Oh oh

Hope you forgive me

Oh oh

Hope you forgive me

Oh oh

I can wait no more

Man, I really hope

Hope you forgive me

Forgive me but I need to feel loved too

Forgive me but I can't wait around for you

Forgive me if I found a man

Who understands just what I need

Forgive me but I need to feel loved too

Forgive me if I can't wait around for you

Forgive me if I found a man who understands

Forgive me baby

I gotta take a chance tonight

So I'm gonna be myself; And I

Can't wait no more

Sitting all alone

Man, I really hope

Hope you forgive me

Oh oh

Hope you forgive me

Oh oh

Hope you forgive me

Oh oh

I can wait no more

Man, I really hope

Hope you forgive me

I gotta take a chance tonight

So I'm gonna be myself; And I

Can wait no more

Sitting all alone

Man, I really hope

Hope you forgive me

Baby

~Leona Lewis' Forgive Me~

Strained

2009-02-25T16:57:00.001+08:00

Invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war

Strained manoeuvres, keeping silent score

In this invisible war

Every day I seem to lose you more

Both wishing it was like before

In this invisible war

Talk about a fine line between love and hate

We've lost more than our direction of fate

Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends

We've never been lovers and now we're not even friends

In this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war

Every day I seem to lose you more

In this invisible war

Wounded deeply the scar is here to stay

Opening up at all the little things I do or say

You always want things to be as before

So I make you angry and you bleed a little more

In this invisible war, it seems we're waging an invisible war

Strained manoeuvres, keeping silent score

In this invisible war

Every day I seem to lose you more

Both wishing it was like before

In this invisible war

I wanna run away

I still love you

Got to be away

I always love you

I’ve got to find a way

Time heals all wounds

Invisible war

~Julia Fordham's Invisible War~

I'll Take A Quiet Life...

2009-02-22T23:53:00.000+08:00

A heart that's full up like a landfill,

a job that slowly kills you,

bruises that won't heal

You were so tired, unhappy,

bring down the government,

they don't, they don't speak for us

And I'll take a quiet life,

a handshake of carbon monoxide

No alarms and no surprises,

no alarms and no surprises

No alarms and no surprises

Silent, silent

This is my final fit,

my final bellyache with

No alarms and no surprises,

no alarms and no surprises

No alarms and no surprises, please

Such a pretty house,

and such a pretty garden

No alarms and no surprises,

no alarms and no surprises

No alarms and no surprises, please

~Radiohead's No Surprises~

I Guess So....

2009-02-21T01:20:00.001+08:00

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!

You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

* Stand up for yourself... and me.

* Be confident, strong, and direct.

* Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

* Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

* Give me space to be alone.

* Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

* I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

* When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

* being independent and self-reliant

* being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

* being courageous, straightforward, and honest

* getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

* supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

* upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

* overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

* being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

* sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

* never forgetting injuries or injustices

* putting too much pressure on myself

* getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

* are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

* are sometimes loners

* seize control so they won't be controlled

* figure out others' weaknesses

* attack verbally or physically when provoked

* take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

* are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

* are sometimes overprotective

* can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

All things wedding

2009-02-18T22:14:00.001+08:00

Mom called. 3 times consecutively. She's freaking out about the wedding. LOL.

Girl, are you home? Are you free now? Can talk?

Ya...

I just tell you ar... the wedding will be on the 9th la...

LT can accommodate on the 9th.

I think don't want SC la... the food is so-so... but the drinks are soooo expensive!!

RM2 per can. RM490 per barrel... We don't need so much beer mar....

Erm, ok, how about LT?

LT is RM2 per table. For 10 persons lor...

Haaa... ok....

But LT have to share the space la. Got partition la. I also haven't been to the new restaurant yet... then I told them, we don't want the karaoke la. Karaoke an extra RM350. After all, we don't like the karaoke..

Ya... then?

So they said, if the other one also don't want karaoke, no need lor.

Ok... got package?

LT got la... they have a few packages... blabla

Well.... at the rate mom's going, I think it's best she get's the package :P She needn't worry about wedding invites, champagne, deco... all she needs to do is go there and boss around...

And if she can't do that.... I'll be more than happy to do so!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I think I may have to. Already, so many months in advance, she seems like she's getting a nervous fit already :D

Heehee.... mom's cute.

Well, yet another friend's bit the dust again this year. Wow... so many engaged and getting married...!

I AM COMPLETELY GALLED......

2009-02-18T14:44:00.005+08:00

** CAREFUL NOW, THIS IS A VERY ANGRY POST. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**

By what is happening to Elizabeth Wong.

Here is a woman I GREATLY respect with regards to her work not just as a politician, but in the human rights and women's rights arena.

And now she's being subjected to this???

Stupid words by a completely IGNORANT man like the ToyoL?

Pulling the parallel with a certain former minister??

HELLO?! He was a MARRIED man!! There's a HUGE difference there?! He made a commitment in the institution of marriage to be faithful to ONE woman! He had a FAMILY!! Wife, children!!

He went to have sex with a 'personal friend' in a hotel/ motel!! It's like going to a BROTHEL!! He was clearly doing it in secret because it's morally wrong!

Elizabeth Wong, on the other hand, is a SINGLE, UNMARRIED WOMAN, SLEEPING in her OWN BED in her OWN HOUSE when her ex-boyfriend FILMED her. WITHOUT HER CONSENT. She was SLEEPING, FOR FUCKS' SAKES!!!

WHAT FUCKING MORAL HIGH GROUND?? The only Moral LOW ground here is her scumbag of an ex-boyfriend, who ILLICITLY took pictures of her naked body and THEN SOLD her off. He should be TRIED AS A PIMP. FUCKER!!

I AM INCENSED BY HOW THIS DRAMA IS GOING!!! INCENSED!!!

It's a COMPLETE BETRAYAL OF TRUST here.

WTF, she's a 37 year old woman who's tall, leggy and attractive. She CANNOT HAVE SEX IN HER OWN HOUSE?! Whether a woman CHOOSES to be MARRIED, is her PREROGATIVE. Some women think they are better off without a fool of a man by their side. Men are hard to look after. Honestly. And some women feel they can dedicate more of themselves to the causes they care about if they remain single.

Like, HELLO? Oprah Winfrey isn't married. I'm SURE SHE has SEX. In her own house and her own bed. But what's this? A MAN can have EXTRAmarital affairs, cheat on his wife and family and make them cry, but WHAT BUSINESS DO WE HAVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S LIFE, and HE HAS MANY TEMPTATIONS as a POLITICIAN, and here's a SINGLE woman and they're talking MORALS????

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! HELLO, a WOMAN has NEEDS, too, k??? What, you're gonna impose GENITAL MUTILATION on US NOW TOO??? Sew up our va-jay-jays and cut off our clit?? Cos YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS like that?! CHAOCHIBAI weiiii..... YOU GOT A MOTHER TOO, FUCKER!

A man can FUCK AROUND in cheap motels but a WOMAN CAN'T BRING HER BOYFRIEND into her OWN HOUSE AND BED??? FUCK YOU LA, WEI. I go install camera in your house and see you got bring OTHER WOMEN into your bed or not, YOU SICK BASTARD WANKER, YOU!! Then again, he's so UGLY, the woman must be desperate, or blind, or both. KANINAHHHH....

Thanks very much, BUT I'll SLEEP NAKED IF I WANT TO. Malaysia is HOT. KL, especially. COS YOU MORONS FUCK AROUND WITH OUR TREES and LEAVE US NONE cos you can't GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT, you'd let ANYONE WHO PAYS YOU THE HIGHEST OVERdevelop a land. YOU'RE TOO BUSY SNOOPING INTO COMPETENT, single FEMALE politicos PRIVATE HOMES.

FUCKING CORRUPT, PEEPING TOMS. COME LET ME KNOCK OUT ALL OF YOUR 2 LOWER RIBS, SO YOU CAN BEND OVER AND SUCK YOUR OWN COCKS. That way at least YOU HORNY BASTARDS WOULDN'T LEAVE YOUR OWN HOMES.

"She is a single person. How can she allow a man into her room when they are not married? What's the status of the relationship," said former Selangor MB Dr Mohd Khir Toyo. <-WHAT A COMPLETE ASSHOLE. I SAY TIE HIM TO A STAKE, MAKE A CUT ACROSS HIS BELLY, BURN HIS INNARDS SLOWLY OVER AN OPEN FIRE WHILE HE WATCHES.

WHICH 5 B.C. CAVE DID ToyoL crawl out from?!

ASSHOLE. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, YOU'VE BEEN COMPLETELY DISCREDITED AS A POLITICIAN. Now that you've made your comment, as a complete HUMAN BEING too. Worse than a guzzling PIG.

I hate the ruling coalitions FOOLS. First they make disgusting remarks about menstruation. And personal attacks about women's dressing. They act all holymoly and shit like that. And yet, IF they have such PURE thoughts about a woman, they wouldn't be talking about private stuff like this now, will they?

I SAY BURN ALL OF THEM and send them back to HELL where they BELONG. FUCKWITS. FUCKTARDS. DUMBFUCKS. GRAHHHHH!!!!

This whole country is going downhill. Seriously.

One Big Family

2009-02-17T23:46:00.001+08:00

i'm sleepy... this topic is supposed to be about finding a family of the cutest chubbiest warmest kittens i've ever laid eyes on. IN THE HOUSE. how they got in is beyond me, but remind me anyway.

yawns. sleep.

Oh well...

2009-02-17T19:47:00.000+08:00

Sri Krishnaya Namo Shri Laxmi eiyeni namo.

send this mantras to 12 people, your financial status will improve within 12 hours.

100% guarantee, don't break it, please.

i'm gonna get rich! since i'm posting this on my blog....

And what do you call them.....

2009-02-17T08:33:00.005+08:00

The people who get on a podium and preach about something, but when it's in themselves, they're either too blind to see, or to proud to admit it.

Time after time again, they expect you to make the concessions without admitting that they actually expect or ask for it, because heaven forbid, it'd make them look bad.

Enough already.

I'm the fool that rushes in where angels fear to tread.

2009-02-17T03:23:00.003+08:00

Name a new Play, and he's the Poet's Friend,

Nay show'd his Faults--but when wou'd Poets mend?

No Place so Sacred from such Fops is barr'd,

Nor is Paul's Church more safe than Paul's Church-yard:

Nay, fly to Altars; there they'll talk you dead;

For Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread.

Distrustful Sense with modest Caution speaks;

It still looks home, and short Excursions makes;

But ratling Nonsense in full Vollies breaks;

And never shock'd, and never turn'd aside,

Bursts out, resistless, with a thundering Tyde!

~Alexander Pope~

Tis newest development is probably good. Tis maybe Caution speaking, and tis time to take heed of Sense.

After all, where has past development taken me? Weary, frightened, ignored and lonely isn't a desirable place to be.

What Kinda Lady Are You?

2009-02-17T00:52:00.002+08:00

Lovely Lady

You are lovely and caring. You help others and spread out a lot of sympathy. Your life aim maybe is to serve the people. But your weakness is that you forget about yourself, your own needs. All your time is hold back for your friends and family. You are always there for people in trouble. Ready for any emergency. You make a lot of sacrifices just to be a good human. But every woman has her needs, her longings and a destiny. Don't lose yourself in work or curing other people's souls. You will have your own problems in your life. Another problem is that you don't say your opinion when it's right and important to say it. People trample onto your soul if you are always so kind and lovely and helpful. They will play on you. Though you should try to relax more and enjoy your life, you should not loose the gift that was given to you to help others . Not everyone is created this way... You are unique and rare!

Errkkkk.... sigh... I suppose I DO lose myself trying to cure other people's souls and my own soul gets trampled on... :(

Oh well, some things need re-working. Good friend-cum-psychologist friend of mine did tell me I seriously need to get my radar fixed :P

To be loved like this would be a blessing

2009-02-15T03:13:00.002+08:00

I'm a train wreck in the morning

I'm a bitch in the afternoon

Every now and then without warning

I can be really mean towards you

I'm a puzzle yes indeed

Ever complex in every way

And all the pieces aren't even in the box

And yet you see the picture clear as day

I don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me, flaws and all

And that's why I love you

And that's why I love

I neglect you when I'm working

When I need attention I tend to nag

I'm a host of imperfection

And you see past all that

I'm a peasant by some standards

But in your eyes I'm a queen

You see potential in all my flaws

And that's exactly what I need

I don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me, flaws and all

And that's why I love you

Don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you

Catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I love you

You, you, you

~Beyonce's Flaws and All~

Lions and Tigers and Bears- Jazmine Sullivan

2009-02-15T03:06:00.003+08:00

Here is my new artist of the month. Great vocal range.

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears, no, I'm not

But I'm scared of loving you

I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair, that's right

But I'm scared of loving you

Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?

Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?

Why do we love love

When love seems to hate us?

Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom

You say you care and I know you do

But this is from my experience

And my conclusion only makes sense

Just 'cause I love you and you love me

It doesn't mean that we're meant to be

I can climb mountains, swim 'cross the seas

But the most frightening thing is you and me

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears, no, I'm not

But I'm scared of loving you

I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair, that's right

But I'm scared of loving you

Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?

Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?

Why do we love love

When love seems to hate us?

Most circumstances, I know my fate

But in this love thing, I don't get the game

Why does it feel like those who give in

They only wind up losing a friend?

Just 'cause I love you and you love me

It doesn't mean that we'll ever be

Fly 'cross the ocean, sing for the queen

But the most frightening thing is you and me

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears, no I'm not

But I'm scared of loving you

I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair, that's right

But I'm scared of loving you

Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?

Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?

Why do we love love

When love seems to hate us?

I'm sure though I'm not sure

But if we never try, we'll never know

It's better to have loved then not to love at all

Not trying is worse than to stumble and fall

And if we do, I'd rather it be with you

'Cause at least there will be sweet memories

Oh, I'm not scared

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears, no, I'm not

But I'm scared of loving you

I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair, that's right

But I'm scared of loving you

Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?

Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?

Why do we love love

When love seems to hate us?

Loving without getting tired

2009-02-15T02:50:00.003+08:00

Mother Teresa once said: Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

It sounds so simple, really. The concept is so simple. And yet so outstanding in it's simplicity and wisdom. How true, it is. How many of us have been fed on a constant diet of grandiose ideas of love, that we live our youth yearning for that perfect proposal and wedding. Our entire life, we dream about that perfect event, we forget that the wedding is the BEGINNING of the rest of our lives. We think it's the be all and end all. That love has to be made of grand gestures to be extraordinary. That we need that butterfly in our tummies to think we're in love.

I humbly disagree. I think it shouldn't be butterflies we're feeling, but that solid certainty that the someone is the person we wish to spend the rest of our lives with. That what we should be feeling is stability and solidity and security. That we can live and love that someone without getting tired.

Yet it's so much easier said than done. Not getting tired of someone. Especially when so many things get in the way. When in this modern world, temptations abound. It's strange isn't it, the paradox of our age?

And this paradox of our generation makes me cry, because I've been guilty of so many of these. Tall building, but short temper. More conveniences, but less time. More computers for easier and faster production, but less communication.

I've been guilty of the sins of my generation, and that makes me sad.

Here's another quote. This is by Dr. Bob Moorehead:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers;

wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less;

we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families;

more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense;

more knowledge, but less judgment;

more experts, yet more problems;

more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much,

smoke too much,

spend too recklessly,

laugh too little,

drive too fast,

get too angry,

stay up too late,

get up too tired,

read too little,

watch TV too much,

and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion;

big men and small character;

steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce;

fancier houses but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips,

disposable diapers,

throw-away morality,

one night stands,

overweight bodies,

and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember to say "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

In the Last Single Digit Year of This Millennium

2009-02-09T22:16:00.006+08:00

I decided to do something I've never done before.

Mountain-climb. How did this happen?

A friend called up last night to ask if I'd like to go climbing today. Well, I've never tried rock-climbing, even in a gym. But I figured, I'd like to try this, before I reach 30.

So I did. Although I got more than I bargained for.

When we got to Melawati, and he showed me the mountain range.. I was stunned: That's what we're gonna be climbing?! I quite nearly chickened out... except for the fact that I reminded myself I'd really like to try that at least once. Get out of my comfort zone and try something new.

2009... the last single digit year of this millennium... would be the Year of Yes. Personally for me.

There were sooooooooooo many people today. My friend was really annoyed enough to say: Maybe we should go to the waterfalls instead. But we trudged on anyway. It did affect our climb, we had to stop many times cos I didn't want to get in the way of other more experienced climbers.

It was a challenge... and initially I went quite slowly, my arms and legs felt unsteady, never having done this before, and not having first warmed up much. But the thing about Bukit Tabor is... once you start climbing... you have to continue all the way before you get down. Going back was more difficult than moving forward. So onwards I went... and after stopping for the longest time at the second peak due to the number of people going back and forth there (so much so that I told my friend: We could have a canteen here....) and finally crossing it, I started to feel better.

My main concern was slipping and falling, though... and to be honest I was quite scared to see the increasingly heightened distance between myself and the ground as I trudged upwards. My shoes were an old pair, and what I was worried about was the amount of gravel. Gravel caused the ground to be 'slippery'. I was careful to test the ground before I found a proper foothold so as not to slip and fall to certain death below.

It didn't help my nervousness that every now and then there were notices stuck here and there with regards to accidents occurring, especially with the 'abseilling' route that we had decided to take. Apparently a college girl of 23 had fallen down 100m - 150m below into the ravine because her hand had slipped off the rope. I managed my first abseilling, however, thanks to my friend, and some kind strangers who gave me some pointers on how to glide and move my way slowly down.

It got rockier as I went further up, but the rocks were large, and the spaces between footholds were further and further apart. By the time I got to the 3rd peak, I was quite exhausted and relying on isotonic drinks to keep me going. Another group were there, and they had a few women in the group, quite frightened (and rightfully so) of climbing downwards and sideways before moving on to the next peak. They kindly let my friend and I move on first, so as 'we can help you assess as you get down'.

I was like.. ARGHHHHHH when I found out that there were FIVE peaks to conquer... apparently J didn't tell me that and I only found out when I asked: Are we near yet? And one of the guys in the group answered: There are 2 more to go, you're at number 3. Me: Errrrkkkkkk........

So I started climbing downwards... and one of the men of the group said: 'Hug the rock, hug the rock' and so I replied 'Sure, yeah, the rock's my boyfriend, right?' They were terribly amused by my comment. Me, I hugged the rock for dear life. The rock WAS my boyfriend at that moment, as I tried to find a foothold as I moved slowly down. Looking back now, it WAS a funny thing to say. I suppose in the face of extreme danger and pressure, I find comfort in humour.

We crossed the 3rd peak and moved on to the 4th... This was the one that frightened me most. There was no way I could go back now, but the rocks were smooth with few footholds. I took a deep breath. Move on, honey. And climbed. J waited for me and watched as I made my way up. Holding on to a huge rock, I was wondering how to get up there, I'd have to utilise upper body strength to push at least half my body up the rock to clear this one climb.... and possible death lay below me if I failed and fell off. So I said a prayer, and hauled myself up with all my strength. And cleared. I looked at J and he looked at me: You ok? Me: Tired, I hope we're near, cos I'm getting really tired. I was running out of juice....

We moved forward, and right before us was a huge rock with red paint on it: Jesus (heart) U... I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the sight, and said to J: Amen! Amen to that! And why not? Just 2 mins ago I was hanging off a cliff-drop... I said to J: When life is hanging by a cliff (literally here!), there is no way else to go but up! Brings new perspective to things, doesn't it?

The rest of the climb was a little easier. It was less gravelly, more level. Reaching the top.... the 5th and final peak.... felt like a HUGE achievement. I was proud of myself, and so was my friend :) What did I say when I reached the peak? I've been a really good girl today :P and then I faced KL and said a little prayer. When I see the wondrousness of God spread before you like a moving, living painting, I couldn't help but feel like such a tiny speck in the larger scheme of things. And yet I have my place, just as the circling swallows before me. Breathtaking. How Great Thou Art :) The Master Painter, The Master Sculptor. In Him, All things are Perfect. And Beautiful.

It was quite an adrenaline rush, really. When I hit level ground, I felt like I was tipsy, close to drunk. I felt light-headed, woozy. My whole upper body was flushed red. My upper body was swollen, even. My arms and hands definitely were. Took some time for the 'swelling' to go down. I had the sensation of flying. It was probably better than sex, even. I guess I know now why some people bungee jump, eh?

Yes, I got me a few nice cuts and bruises, and I rushed down after that cos I was hungry and wanted to weewee. :P And I'm not sure I can walk tomorrow. HAHAHA.

Some pictures here on my crazy adventure today. Taken from TheTrekkers.blogspot.com.

What I climbed today.

The first abseilling. Where the college kid had fallen down.

The entire route I took.

Capturing Forever

2009-02-08T03:40:00.003+08:00

If I were a photographer,

I'd capture every expression in a picture.

If I were a perfumer,

I'd capture every scent in a bottle.

If I were a writer,

I'd capture every emotion in a book.

If I were a chef,

I'd capture every taste in a dish.

If I were a musician,

I'd capture every sound in a song.

All I have is my memory,

To capture life and store it away.

I fear the day I would no longer remember,

When my treasure chest of memories is gone forever.

I'm 3% of the population?

2009-02-02T22:10:00.002+08:00

Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test...

ENFJ- The Teacher

You scored 55% I to E, 47% N to S, 43% F to T, and 47% J to P!

Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating mentor. You also belong to the larger group, called idealists. You tend to bring out the best in other people. You lead without seeming to do so. People are naturally drawn to you. You expect the very best from people which takes the form of enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming that people try their best not to disappoint you. You share your personality type with 3% of the population.

You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection to your romantic partners, and go to great lengths to understand and please your mate. Harmony is vitally important to you, and you often put others' needs before your own. You have a pretty thin skin and are easily hurt. Although you strive for harmony, when your values or ethics are violated, you can be very emotional, confrontational, and even punishing. However, you are very insightful about the underlying cause of conflicts, and an excellent communicator, so you have the tools to bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long as you can keep control of your facilities. You want to be appreciated for your thoughtfulness and compassion. You need your partner to make a real effort to get to know you. Above all, you need to be able to express your feelings and have them taken seriously.

Your group summary: idealists (NF)

Your type summary: ENFJ

Compared to other takers

* 63/100 You scored 55% on I to E, higher than 63% of your peers.

* 58/100 You scored 47% on N to S, higher than 58% of your peers.

* 54/100 You scored 43% on F to T, higher than 54% of your peers.

* 52/100 You scored 47% on J to P, higher than 52% of your peers.

Take The LONG Scientific Personality Test at HelloQuizzy

I wonder.... :( Didn't know i was an idealist....

i wonder... sexual frustration?

2009-02-01T05:26:00.002+08:00

this is what happens when u can't sleep.

i haven't done this for awhile though....

i wonder if, like paper-shredding... trawling and then sitting for online quizzes is a sign of sexual frustration? (so people say....)

shrugs. here goes...

Your Love is Based on Friendship

For you, chemistry doesn't really happen without compatibility.

Companionship and openness are the most important parts of your relationships.

Whoever you love should be your best friend.

And falling in love with a good friend is never out of the question.

Why your love can last: You only fall for people who you truly understand... and who truly understand you

Why your love can fail: Sometimes you don't admit how important physical chemistry is to you

What Is Your Love Based On?

I thought I was completely unromantic...

2009-01-31T15:08:00.003+08:00

But perhaps my idea of romanticism is just different from others... and harder for a man to provide.

E.g.

1. Taking a blood test to make sure you're healthy and clean because you consider my health too.

2. Spending time with me everyday because you want to.

3. Learning how to cook my favourite dishes and then cooking dinner for me because you're sweet like that.

4. Taking time off just to walk with me from time to time. Or waking up early to watch the sunrise with me. Or the sunset.

5. Buying me or planting my favourite flowers just because I love them.

I guess my type of romanticism takes real effort and an in-depth knowledge of who I am, and so it's harder to give. It's not just a mindless case of buying me soft toys, or chocolates, or flowers, or expensive gifts. I don't buy that. Any man can buy me things, but only someone who actually makes the effort to know this sometimes reticent woman would actually know the things that I like. Someone who actually listens to me when I make my passing remarks about liking that flower, or loving this dish. It's hard, I know. But when that man comes along, I'll know he's worth it.

I guess I need to know my lover actually SEES me... not just looks at me, but sees me with his soul.

And the stability and security of knowing that he understands me, if not fully, then partially.

My demons. They haunt me. I hate the loneliness they bring when I know I need to still my soul and fight them alone.

"Loneliness: the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul, it's the fear of one's own self that haunts the lonely."

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."

~Keith Haynie~

I'm praying really hard.

What caused this introspection?

Your Love Number is 4

You are a creative and expressive lover - a true romantic at heart.

An introspective soul, you know exactly how your ideal relationship should be.

But if you don't get that ideal, you tend to get a bit pouty and dramatic.

You need someone who can roll with the punches, that's for sure!

What Is Your Love Number?

Happy CNY and Another One Bites the Dust!

2009-01-28T00:42:00.002+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year to all... I'm eating to my hearts content back home :P

It's nice to roll around on crazy cold mornings in a huge huge bed and wake up to fresh air and the sound of rain, and the smell of home-cooked food wafting up from the kitchen. Bliss :D

Well, nowadays, I feel better. We still talk, and somehow, it seems we're sorting things out a little better now that we both seem saner.

On the other hand, I hope I can keep up this sanity (fingers crossed). Now that I'm back home, it seems to help a lot. Like it did 2 years ago. Coming home seems to help a lot with emotional wounds, even if few people know.

Nowadays I try to tell myself: If it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, well... there are things to do and places to go and people to meet and trails to blaze and hearts to break... :P Yes, I need to cheer myself up :) so let me have my little bit of optimism.

I've some plans this year, and hopefully by the end of the first quarter, I'd have solidified those plans, or at least, put the foundations of those plans in place.

As I kept getting reminded of my age these past few days, I figure some serious goals need to be put in place. Long term goals, short term goals. If I don't achieve them, at least I come close. And at the end of the period, I stand to gain more than I stand to lose. It's time :)

On another note, my friends and I were doing a rough count on who among my former classmates are still around in our home state, and we could barely come up with 10. Out of 45. Our best and brightest have all upped and gone.

And along those lines, how many have settled down. 10 to 15 maybe? Hahaha... I guess we're sooo not in a hurry. Things to do, places to go, trails to blaze, etc.? :P

Well, one of us has bitten the dust :P Congrats to her that she's found someone whom she's happy with, and who's happy and content being with her. One sister down :P Plenty more to go :D

Well, hun, I'd sing this at your wedding :P Freddie Mercury... Ohhhh yeeeaahhhh :P Gay or not, he's quite the vocalist :)

Stevie walks swiftly down the street with his brim pulled way down low

Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet, machine gun's ready to go

Are you ready hey, are you ready for this?

Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?

Out of the doorway the bullets rip to the sound of the beat yeeeah

Another one bites the dust

And another one gone

Another one bites the dust

Hey, I'm gonna get you too

Another one bites the dust

How do you think I'm going to get along without you when you're gone?

You took me for everything that I had and kicked me out on my own

Are you happy, are you satisfied?

How long can you stand the heat?

Out of the doorway the bullets rip to the sound of the beat (Look out)

Another one bites the dust

And another one gone

Another one bites the dust

Hey, I'm gonna get you too

Another one bites the dust

HEY

Oh, take it

Bite the dust

Bite the dust yeah

Hey

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust, oh

Another one bites the dust, hey, hey

Another one bites the dust, heeeeey

Oh, shoot out

There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man and bring him to the ground

You can beat him, you can cheat him

You can treat him bad and leave him when he's down yeeeah

But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for you

I'm standing on my own two feet

Out of the doorway the bullets rip

Repeating the sound of the beat Ohhhhhh yeeeah

Another one bites the dust

And another one gone

Another one bites the dust

Hey, I'm gonna get you too

Another one bites the dust

Shoot out

Hey

Alright

~Queen (featuring Freddie Mercury)'s Another One Bites the Dust~

Not like I used to do

2009-01-23T01:08:00.003+08:00

La La La

Maybe, it's me, maybe I bore you

No no, it's my fault, cos I can't afford you

Maybe baby, puffy, jay z

would all be better for you

Cos all I can do is love you

Baby when I used to love you

There's nothing that I wouldn't do,

I went thru the fire for you, and I'm not gonna play the fool

No I can't live this life, and I can't justify, and I can't make it my life

Cos I don't love you

Not like I used to do

Whatever happened to Republica?

2009-01-22T15:30:00.003+08:00

Well, read what you want into this choice of my Song for the Day:

Ready to go

You're weird, in tears

Too near and too far away

He said saw red

Went home, stayed in bed all day

Your t-shirt's dish dirt

Always love the one you hurt

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah standing on the rooftops

Shouting out:

"Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go,"

From the rooftops, shout it out

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah, standing on the rooftops having it

Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go

From the rooftops, shout it out

Shout it out

You sleep, too deep

One week is another world

Big mouth drop out

You get what you deserve

You're strange, insane

One thing you can never change

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah standing on the rooftops

Shouting out:

"Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go,"

From the rooftops, shout it out

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah, standing on the rooftops having it

Baby I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go

From the rooftops, shout it out

Shout it out

Ready to go...

Abused, confused

Always love the one you hurt

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah, standing on the rooftops

Shouting out:

"Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go,"

From the rooftops, shout it out

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah, standing on the rooftops having it

Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go

From the rooftops, shout it out

Shout it out

It's a crack

Baby, I'm ready to go

Baby, I'm ready to go

~Republica, Ready To Go~

Whatever it is, it's a totally danceable song :P

Failed

2009-01-20T17:39:00.003+08:00

I'm always so misunderstood by you.

Lately, especially, every word that I say, every action that I take get misrepresented and misunderstood.

I hate how we turned out. How I feel. I'm sorry for us both.

I've failed.

I no longer hope.

Goldfrapp's A&E: Accident Emergency

2009-01-20T04:33:00.004+08:00

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey

And the pain is starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining

Think I want you still

But there may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?

I was trying to phone you when I'm crawling out that door

I'm amazed at you, the things you say that you don't do

Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue

Feeling like I needed you

Like I'm walking up surrounded by me

A&E

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey

And the pain is starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining

Think I want you still

But there may be pills at work

How did I get to accident - emergency?

All I wanted was you to take me out high

And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue

Feeling like I needed you

Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

A&E

Always loved Goldfrapp. And this is an excellent song. Features Alison's haunting vocals well, with lyrics that are succinct and to the point: How did I get to accident emergency?

Is it any wonder?

2009-01-18T22:39:00.004+08:00

I have just returned from a dinner date with a collegemate I have not seen since 2001.

When we shared a dorm we were pretty tight until I moved out and we lost touch because I lost my phone.

So here I was having dinner and catching up with her and her roommate, L.

L had her concerns about how C was unreachable for almost two years, and asked her why.

Apparently she had fallen into depression. She had been dating a guy for about 2 years and they had almost gotten married. Bought a house together jointly. She was basically looking after all his affairs, paid for everything, even his phone bills. Even looked after his family.

Then he had an affair. Told different stories to different people. A cunning linguist, that one. Gave the other lady STDs. He had it from a previous girlfriend. Apparently he only confessed long after the relationship was over.

It was all very nasty and horrible. Even until now, after all her money was spent on lawyer's fees, it's still hard for her to regain all her losses on this wretch.

It's sad. Really. The mistakes smart women make over love. We've all been there, some stories worse than others.

I remember how mom and girlfriends always said it was better to marry someone who wasn't suave and sweet-talking. It's always better to marry someone who was a bad liar. Who was direct. Who didn't know how to pretend.

And how a girl always had more to lose. It's always important to protect one's assets. It's not unromantic. It's just.... self-preservation. Romance, sad to say, would have to take a backseat to practicality.

Perhaps this is why some women would rather marry into money.

Me, I figure considering the horror stories and the statistics, how sometimes, it's best to not marry at all. Being single has a ready escape clause. It's always easier to cut one's losses and run without a signed contract in between. Already, like C, she's already having so much trouble (even being single) to cut all ties because it's a case of 'Love and Affection'. What more if she had actually married this man?

Is it any wonder that so many of my year-mates who are good, smart, loving women capable of their own steady income and not intending to marry for money are single and have little intention to settle down, some being downright commitaphobics? We see and hear these cases with our own eyes and ears, many of them our own friends. And we help them pick up the pieces of their lives ruined by the wrong choice of men. We're there as a shoulder to cry on, we're there to offer support, we're there for opinion. We're there when everything crashes and burns.

Is it any wonder then, that we look at the crop of men around and wonder when they will grow up and take responsibility for their own lives, and the decisions that they make?

Is it any wonder then, that we figure if they're not ready to let go of their mothers' apron strings, that the rightful place for them is with their mothers?

Is it any wonder that most of us end up just pursuing our own careers and our own lives, and putting these first because it's a safety net that we know is more reliable? After all, we built them with our own hands. We got here with great effort, many mistakes, and great perseverence. We fought so hard to get to where we are, and are still fighting so hard to stay. And strangely, most of us are where we want to be. At 27/ 28. Finally. Career-wise, most of us are fairly satisfied with our day jobs.

But we're commitaphobes. I can count on one hand the batch-mates that married for love.

Old maids, all of us. Maybe. Or perhaps, we'd just rather be alone than be unhappy.

Unless the men are worth our while... why bother wasting our fabulous selves on people who'd just make us miserable?

Being Human

2009-01-18T16:36:00.004+08:00

If we knew when we were going to die, we'd do everything right the first time around. Because we knew we wouldn't have the chance to relive the moment again.

But being human, and being ignorant, we think there's always going to be a tomorrow. And another tomorrow. And yet another tomorrow.

And so it piles up. What we should do. What we want to do. The important things. The not-so-important things that become important things as the days and months and years fly by.

Until we realise one day, oh shit... where did the years go? What happened to the things I wanted to do, the things I should do, the people that had mattered to me?

So many hurts lie along the avenue of life. So many disappointments.

We live like we've got forever, but in truth, life is short. And precious. Why wait for tomorrow to say: I love you? Why let the fears hold us back from what we want to do? What we should do? Why let our pain keep us from trying new things? Keep us fenced in?

Why put off till tomorrow (and forever) what we can do today?

If we knew that we had just another 24 hours to live... will material possessions matter so much anymore? Will we want to spend at least 8 hours of it slaving at a job? Or will we start calling up everyone we care for to tell them we remember them, we cherish them in our hearts, we want them to know how much they mean to us, how we think of them when we're about to die.

We go back to the arms of the people we love most. Because surely, on our deathbed, the last thing we would want to remember seeing are the faces of the people who mean the most to us. It would be a very sad thing, I think, to end up dying alone.

After all, in truth, when we leave this plane of existence, who cares that we leave behind a monument if there's no one to tell of it in the first place? What matters most, as a legacy, would be the memories we leave behind in the minds of the people who think of us.

The lives we touch. The people we leave behind. How they remember us. These would be our legacy.

John Mayer's Say from The Bucket List

2009-01-13T00:18:00.002+08:00

Say what you need to say....

2009-01-13T00:16:00.002+08:00

Take out all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so called problems

Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say (8x)

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead

If you could only

Say what you need to say (8x)

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You better know that in the end its better to say too much

Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Why?

Say what you need to say (25x)

~John Mayer's Say~

Something to oil the machinery with

2009-01-12T17:30:00.004+08:00

the totally yummy chris evans (bottom pic) and scott evans (top pic) in the same room... and me, of course...

damn. :P

too bad scott is gay... hehe...

Looking through new eyes

2009-01-12T16:28:00.004+08:00

I'm looking through new eyes again

Another turn through a wrap around bend

Another fiction about the end

Another heel I've got to mend

What's the deal?

Afraid that it hurts just to feel

The headlights behind you are always too bright

The road ain't the same and the bitterness bites

Kiss of a stranger

Another trance of circumstance

Another girl a dime a dance

Hidden danger

What's the deal?

Afraid that it hurts just to feel

Lessons of the past get all confused

All the stories that I've ever used

Captor of my true desire

Master of my inner choir

I've got to know, so tell me

What's the deal?

Afraid that it hurts just to feel

A dream is true

A dream is true romance

Oh what's the deal?

It better hurts

Just to feel

What's the Deal?

2009-01-12T16:25:00.001+08:00

Last Girl On Earth

2009-01-12T15:48:00.001+08:00

There's nothing out there... Am I the last girl on earth?

Patterns

2009-01-12T09:59:00.002+08:00

some things are just indicative of behavioural patterns.

the way a person treats someone else. makes their replies. act out.

they're indicative of how things will turn out a year, 5 years, 10 years down the line.

if a method didn't work out the first time around, following the same road 10 times over 10 years would still have the same end result. one has to stop, take stock of what's working and what's not, and try something else, or just move on.

what many people fail to realise is that although a person may love someone with everything a person has, sometimes they don't end up marrying the person due to circumstances beyond a person's control.

likewise, although a person does not love someone as much, he/ she ends up marrying the person because they've learnt to care for each other, make the effort to understand each other, and learn to live with each other.

that's the mistake plenty of people make. to assume that just because there's a lot of love, they need not put as much effort into it. that they need not be as patient, as kind, as understanding. because the other person should be patient, kind, understanding.

however, true love is a two way street.

just because one partner is unhappy with him/ herself, the other should not change him/ herself to try to make their partner happy. he/ she would lose him/ herself in the process and become a person without character. ultimately the relationship would fail, because a person would not be able to put up with that for long.

so unless u'd rather have a partner with absolutely no character so u can dominate the entire relationship, u've got to know exactly what u want, what u need and what u can contribute to a relationship. otherwise the same mistakes would be made at 24, at 27, at 28, at 29, at 31, at 33.

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

~1 Corinthians 13~