Damn If I'll Be A Suitable Girl.

Damn If I'll Be A Suitable Girl.

Tuesday, 16.01.2007. 2152 hours.

I'd never marry. Might as well look for a sperm donor now. ANY TAKERS?

I'm an oxymoron.

I'm too unsuitable for Malaysian Chink mothers. I can't say for any other races, I didn't grow up in that society. But even my own mother thinks I'm way too outspoken, too direct, too independent, too avant-garde for my own good. She's afraid that I'll a) turn lesbian. b) become a cranky, old spinster.

I'm tempted to tell her: a) would solve a lot of my man issues. Too bad I like the aesthetic beauty of the male body way too much. Sexually, women just don't cut it for me. Men win that hands down. Too bad, so sad. b) I'd just prey on jailbait to keep my juices flowing. A woman who's getting laid wouldn't be cranky.

Mommy would faint though. SCANDALOUS!! Precisely why I'm too unsuitable for Chink moms. Too direct, too outspoken. TOO OUTRAGEOUS.

I'm too unsuitable for their sons. I won't pamper them. I'd sooner tell them to Go Back To Your Mother than be a surrogate mom. :) Sham's been waiting to hear that for a long time. :P Bet he secretly misses that line.

Mommies don't like that, though. Mommies want their precious boibois to be always well looked after. I'd never marry. I can see that in my future.

You see, I think I'd gag if I found out that my husband married me because his mother thought I was a suitable girl. Not because he chose me, but because his mother did.

I doubt if I could ever recover from such a painful and debilitating blow. I would probably pack my bags and leave because I cannot imagine living with, talking with and screwing with a man who did not choose me. There would always be a nagging doubt in my mind that he doesn't love me enough, that I wasn't good enough for him to choose me on his own accord and that I would always be second best. I would lose my respect for him and what's a relationship when there's always doubt and no respect?

The marriage would be nothing more than a repackaged arranged marriage. I would not be the love of his life, but a suitable girl. Just a suitable girl. Like a few hundred other suitable girls.

I cannot live with that doubt clouding my days. No matter how deeply, madly, head-over-heels in love I am, I wouldn't stay. Would he want me to stay because he wanted me, and he could live with me, or because he couldn't function well enough without me?

I want to be in a marriage with a man who wants me for who I am. Flaws and all. Bitchy, caustic, arrogant, sarcastic, moralistic, elitist, obsessive-compulsive, corny, horny, outrageous, perfectionist, mildly demented (ok, fine, a lot demented), crazy, abrasive shrew that I am. Not because his mommy thinks I'd fit wonderfully into his lifestyle. Because I'm a suitable girl.

Lord, no! I want a man who challenges me to be a better person. To reach deep inside myself and find strength.

Someone who'd comfort me when I'm sad but who wouldn't tell me what to do unless I ask for it.

Someone who makes me laugh and makes up for it when he makes me cry.

Who'd still think I'm beautiful even when I look like horseshit after not sleeping well for a week. Or when I'm 89, toothless, wrinkled to a raisin, and bent over with osteoporosis.

Who'd surprise me but not shock me.

Someone who isn't ashamed of me.

Someone who's proud of my achievements.

Someone who'd share his life with me rather than make me fit into his.

Someone who'd take my side and stand up for me. Because he's MY man. And I'm HIS woman. And he LOVES me. To BITS. :P

Someone to grow old with.

Someone who'd share with me the night before, the morning after and everything in between.

Someone who'd love me like a MAN. Not a boy, but a man.

Who knows that every relationship doesn't happen by magic. That it takes two to tango. That it takes a lot of effort and maintenance, and compromise. And communication, communication, communication. We're none of us, mind readers. After all, aren't assumptions the mother of all fuck-ups?

=) I want the near impossible. But I'd settle for nothing less than the love of a lifetime. If my parents can have it, domestic troubles and all, so can I. I've friends who've found their love of a lifetime. So can I. Why should I settle myself to be second best?

I'll be damned if I'd settle for a glorified, repackaged arranged marriage.

Either a man loves me, or he doesn't.

Respect, trust and communication comes in rapid succession after that. You don't need a relationship guru to tell you that. Without either one of these 3 components, the relationship will fall apart. It's doomed for failure. It can't work. Even with all the love in the world.

I can't respect a full-grown infant. How can I trust a man who gets his mother to choose his bride for him, and marries her just because his mom said so? If he can't make a life decision like that, how can I trust him to provide for me the security that I need?

I don't believe in nannying a full-grown man. And I don't believe in fairytales. I'm THE unsuitable girl. The one the boys want, but are too afraid to approach. Cos I BITE. And the one their mothers warn against. Again, cos I BITE.

I'll never marry. I can't stand infantile invertebrates, and their mothers can't stand me.

How can oil and water mix?