Of Balloons and Conversations

Thursday, 12.04.2007. 2300 hours.

Was at McDs with The Girl and Little Boss. Little Boss was supposed to get us McDs new Hotcakes but apparently he forgot. I wonder if it was some subversive tactics to get me to "Eat Protein! In Every Meal!" Auntie betul laaa.... :)

McDs had all these colourful balloons all over the place, and me, having a THING for balloons, told The Girl I wanted a white one. White one was really puuurrrrtttiiiiieeeee...... Little Boss heard it and said: Ask them for it la! I said I didn't want it, it was just a passing remark, plus! how was i going to carry it on the train with me? Shy-lar! He actually asked McDs staff for one. They brought him a bunch, but he asked for one, even one that wasn't blown yet. They gave him a handful of those, so he blew one up in the elevator and gave it to me.

Cute, but I thought it was a rather crazy thing to do. And very shy-lar. Oh well :)

Nice of him to do that, and I got my balloon, though it was quite embarrassing to go through all that ruckus at McDs.

**

On another note, a conversation with someone today brought home yet again the realisation that:

You gotta let go of the past, to move forward with the present into the future.

That's a problem, isn't it? How to know to draw the line, and say: Well, fuck it! This is holding me back, I have to cut this off to improve my quality of life. Funny how so many things can affect us without our realising to what extent it does. Until it's too late.

I've always been too cerebral about my emotions. I have to analyse everything. Think things through. Over and over. From as many angles as I possibly can. I've always perceived love first with my head, and then my heart: I can never fall in love with this guy. He's not right for (whatever) reasons. No. Don't get too close. Don't get swept off your feet. Never gonna happen. So don't even try. You're gonna get burnt so bad, 3rd degree burns are nothing. So don't even go there.

I rationalise everything. Why Does this happen? Why Doesn't this happen? There's a reason. Always, there's a reason. It's just whether I can fathom it. I don't know why I do it, but I do.

Have I ever fallen in love? No. Fall doesn't describe it. I can't do falling. I do it too much physically to allow it emotionally. Have I ever liked someone enough to consider allowing myself to Grow into loving him? Yes. Once. How'd I like it? Figured out after 4 years, he ain't worth jack. Move on.

What did I learn? If a guy doesn't bother explaining to you what he thinks and feels about you, don't waste your time. Go on with your life and spread your wings. Learn how to fly. Always depend on yourself. Men come. Men go. If you want to stay where you want to stay, learn to leave a mark. Your own.

If a man doesn't know how to tell you how he feels, run. Unless you want to be with a boy. If you don't, find things to do with yourself and your time. Have a life of your own. Love yourself first, because a man isn't going to do it for you if you don't do it for yourself. There's a huge difference between men and boys.

If a man isn't going to stay, he isn't going to stay. Whine, whinge, threaten suicide, get pregnant, throw a tantrum, get bipolar and manic depressive, it won't make a bloody difference. What do you want? A man who loves you wholeheartedly, for who you are, and who you can be, or a shell which is only there because you want him there? Do you want to be making love to a shadow who's there physically on your demand, but committing, repeatedly, emotional infidelity, or someone who loves you, faithfully, desperately, adoringly?

I want a man who would love me like that: faithfully, desperately, adoringly.
Any other way is no way. Because I would respond in kind. I know I could. And I know I would.

Take me as I am, or not at all.

So I didn't make him stay.
I walked away.

If his heart wasn't in me, I didn't want him faking something that isn't real.

No regrets except one.

The friendship died with it. I could no longer even trust him as a friend. It was pointless.

But I no longer had a nagging doubt, a burden.

It was a major relief.

I just wonder why, history keeps repeating itself.

How many trials by fire must I go through before I've compensated for all my sins? How long more before I could finally have someone make me smile, rather than try to make someone else smile at my expense?

Trials by fire. I've had enough.