In Emily

We were talking, a few friends and I.

And somehow, the discussion led to love and marriage and sex.

Then one of them gave me thought...

For those who've never truly been in love, perhaps it's hard to fathom, much less to swallow.

Why would anyone, if there were major grouses, want to get married to their partner?

If he brags he's all romantic, but he's never done anything truly worthwhile that points to that direction at all, after many moons of being together?

If he's thoughtless and always forgetful, why bother?

If sex with him is not that great after all, then why?

Are there ever any real answers to love and relationships?

At least she knows he's too goody-two-shoes he wouldn't look at another. And I was quiet. I have no response about that.

I wonder why we go on when things seem so futile, so fruitless. When many times, the frustration and despair seem to completely overwhelm. When we wish we could harden our hearts and just walk away without looking back.

So why do we trudge along when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Are we to bump blindly in the dark for eternity?

She said so herself, it didn't get better after marriage. 

I look at her, and I wonder what strength she has to have married him. To still want to try. 

Do I have that?

I AM COMPLETELY GALLED......

** CAREFUL NOW, THIS IS A VERY ANGRY POST. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**

By what is happening to Elizabeth Wong.

Here is a woman I GREATLY respect with regards to her work not just as a politician, but in the human rights and women's rights arena.

And now she's being subjected to this???

Stupid words by a completely IGNORANT man like the ToyoL?

Pulling the parallel with a certain former minister??

HELLO?! He was a MARRIED man!! There's a HUGE difference there?! He made a commitment in the institution of marriage to be faithful to ONE woman! He had a FAMILY!! Wife, children!!

He went to have sex with a 'personal friend' in a hotel/ motel!! It's like going to a BROTHEL!! He was clearly doing it in secret because it's morally wrong!

Elizabeth Wong, on the other hand, is a SINGLE, UNMARRIED WOMAN, SLEEPING in her OWN BED in her OWN HOUSE when her ex-boyfriend FILMED her. WITHOUT HER CONSENT. She was SLEEPING, FOR FUCKS' SAKES!!!

WHAT FUCKING MORAL HIGH GROUND?? The only Moral LOW ground here is her scumbag of an ex-boyfriend, who ILLICITLY took pictures of her naked body and THEN SOLD her off. He should be TRIED AS A PIMP. FUCKER!!

I AM INCENSED BY HOW THIS DRAMA IS GOING!!! INCENSED!!!

It's a COMPLETE BETRAYAL OF TRUST here.

WTF, she's a 37 year old woman who's tall, leggy and attractive. She CANNOT HAVE SEX IN HER OWN HOUSE?! Whether a woman CHOOSES to be MARRIED, is her PREROGATIVE. Some women think they are better off without a fool of a man by their side. Men are hard to look after. Honestly. And some women feel they can dedicate more of themselves to the causes they care about if they remain single.

Like, HELLO? Oprah Winfrey isn't married. I'm SURE SHE has SEX. In her own house and her own bed. But what's this? A MAN can have EXTRAmarital affairs, cheat on his wife and family and make them cry, but WHAT BUSINESS DO WE HAVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S LIFE, and HE HAS MANY TEMPTATIONS as a POLITICIAN, and here's a SINGLE woman and they're talking MORALS????

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! HELLO, a WOMAN has NEEDS, too, k??? What, you're gonna impose GENITAL MUTILATION on US NOW TOO??? Sew up our va-jay-jays and cut off our clit?? Cos YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS like that?! CHAOCHIBAI weiiii..... YOU GOT A MOTHER TOO, FUCKER!

A man can FUCK AROUND in cheap motels but a WOMAN CAN'T BRING HER BOYFRIEND into her OWN HOUSE AND BED??? FUCK YOU LA, WEI. I go install camera in your house and see you got bring OTHER WOMEN into your bed or not, YOU SICK BASTARD WANKER, YOU!! Then again, he's so UGLY, the woman must be desperate, or blind, or both. KANINAHHHH....

Thanks very much, BUT I'll SLEEP NAKED IF I WANT TO. Malaysia is HOT. KL, especially. COS YOU MORONS FUCK AROUND WITH OUR TREES and LEAVE US NONE cos you can't GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT, you'd let ANYONE WHO PAYS YOU THE HIGHEST OVERdevelop a land. YOU'RE TOO BUSY SNOOPING INTO COMPETENT, single FEMALE politicos PRIVATE HOMES.

FUCKING CORRUPT, PEEPING TOMS. COME LET ME KNOCK OUT ALL OF YOUR 2 LOWER RIBS, SO YOU CAN BEND OVER AND SUCK YOUR OWN COCKS. That way at least YOU HORNY BASTARDS WOULDN'T LEAVE YOUR OWN HOMES.

"She is a single person. How can she allow a man into her room when they are not married? What's the status of the relationship," said former Selangor MB Dr Mohd Khir Toyo. <-WHAT A COMPLETE ASSHOLE. I SAY TIE HIM TO A STAKE, MAKE A CUT ACROSS HIS BELLY, BURN HIS INNARDS SLOWLY OVER AN OPEN FIRE WHILE HE WATCHES.

WHICH 5 B.C. CAVE DID ToyoL crawl out from?!

ASSHOLE. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, YOU'VE BEEN COMPLETELY DISCREDITED AS A POLITICIAN. Now that you've made your comment, as a complete HUMAN BEING too. Worse than a guzzling PIG.

I hate the ruling coalitions FOOLS. First they make disgusting remarks about menstruation. And personal attacks about women's dressing. They act all holymoly and shit like that. And yet, IF they have such PURE thoughts about a woman, they wouldn't be talking about private stuff like this now, will they?

I SAY BURN ALL OF THEM and send them back to HELL where they BELONG. FUCKWITS. FUCKTARDS. DUMBFUCKS. GRAHHHHH!!!!

This whole country is going downhill. Seriously.

Is it any wonder?

I have just returned from a dinner date with a collegemate I have not seen since 2001.

When we shared a dorm we were pretty tight until I moved out and we lost touch because I lost my phone.

So here I was having dinner and catching up with her and her roommate, L.

L had her concerns about how C was unreachable for almost two years, and asked her why.

Apparently she had fallen into depression. She had been dating a guy for about 2 years and they had almost gotten married. Bought a house together jointly. She was basically looking after all his affairs, paid for everything, even his phone bills. Even looked after his family.

Then he had an affair. Told different stories to different people. A cunning linguist, that one. Gave the other lady STDs. He had it from a previous girlfriend. Apparently he only confessed long after the relationship was over.

It was all very nasty and horrible. Even until now, after all her money was spent on lawyer's fees, it's still hard for her to regain all her losses on this wretch.

It's sad. Really. The mistakes smart women make over love. We've all been there, some stories worse than others.

I remember how mom and girlfriends always said it was better to marry someone who wasn't suave and sweet-talking. It's always better to marry someone who was a bad liar. Who was direct. Who didn't know how to pretend.

And how a girl always had more to lose. It's always important to protect one's assets. It's not unromantic. It's just.... self-preservation. Romance, sad to say, would have to take a backseat to practicality.

Perhaps this is why some women would rather marry into money.

Me, I figure considering the horror stories and the statistics, how sometimes, it's best to not marry at all. Being single has a ready escape clause. It's always easier to cut one's losses and run without a signed contract in between. Already, like C, she's already having so much trouble (even being single) to cut all ties because it's a case of 'Love and Affection'. What more if she had actually married this man?

Is it any wonder that so many of my year-mates who are good, smart, loving women capable of their own steady income and not intending to marry for money are single and have little intention to settle down, some being downright commitaphobics? We see and hear these cases with our own eyes and ears, many of them our own friends. And we help them pick up the pieces of their lives ruined by the wrong choice of men. We're there as a shoulder to cry on, we're there to offer support, we're there for opinion. We're there when everything crashes and burns.

Is it any wonder then, that we look at the crop of men around and wonder when they will grow up and take responsibility for their own lives, and the decisions that they make?

Is it any wonder then, that we figure if they're not ready to let go of their mothers' apron strings, that the rightful place for them is with their mothers?

Is it any wonder that most of us end up just pursuing our own careers and our own lives, and putting these first because it's a safety net that we know is more reliable? After all, we built them with our own hands. We got here with great effort, many mistakes, and great perseverence. We fought so hard to get to where we are, and are still fighting so hard to stay. And strangely, most of us are where we want to be. At 27/ 28. Finally. Career-wise, most of us are fairly satisfied with our day jobs.

But we're commitaphobes. I can count on one hand the batch-mates that married for love. 

Old maids, all of us. Maybe. Or perhaps, we'd just rather be alone than be unhappy.

Unless the men are worth our while... why bother wasting our fabulous selves on people who'd just make us miserable?

2008

It's been a long, difficult year.

High points. Low points.

I've had to struggle in my career, in my personal life. I've had to shelve a few plans.

2008 has been bittersweet.

Career-wise, it's a cliffhanger. Salary increment plans would be on hold till further notice. So there's that. Nothing I can say about that. I'm just glad I've done what I've aimed to do when I took this job offer: Learn. And that I have. It's better no salary increment than to have a pay-cut and get laid off anyway, which is being done in several companies, given the current economic climate. So I'll dig my heels in and weather the storm as best I can. After all, it wasn't a bad start to my new job. And I'm trying to keep as positive as I can.

Personal life, well I suppose if anyone's been following that's off till further notice too. I'm not sure where that will be going. I suppose for now, I'll be concentrating on me. 'Cos I've let go. There's no more anger, no more frustration, just sadness. Resignation. Forgiveness too, for what had been done. Although I wouldn't let any of that happen to me again. That's just self-preservation. Once bitten, twice shy. But we've both made many mistakes, and forgiveness is important to move forward with living.

It sucks to break up right before the holiday season. Christmas was always the most quietly romantic holiday for me. Time to spend with loved ones. People we cherish most. But in a way I'm glad. And relieved. It would suck even more to be crying and fighting during the holiday season. Mayhap it's better this way.

There's much to be learnt from solitude after all.

Met a friend I knew from a friend, and barely know in person on fb chat. And he tells me: 'cheer up dear... good things always around the corner... though sometimes it can be a long corner... nevertheless .... good things...'

Strangely comforting, coming from a guy who annoys me to bits each time we meet. :P Probably the first time he sounds his age in the few times we meet... and immediately after, he sounds like his usual jackass self again :)

That, though, somehow made me cry again, silly as it is... it's been a really long corner this year, and I've come right to the edge of breaking point so many times. I suppose that's the price to pay for growing up. I do hope he's right... I could do with a nice break, even a small one, just to know the effort's not all been in vain.

So I wanna take a break. From the daily grind for awhile. Just to recharge, rejuvenate. Probably remove myself from people for awhile. Just to rediscover myself.

It's been a long corner of a year. But I've had no regrets.

I ended the year:

1. On a cliffhanger due to the global economic downturn.

2. Newly single again, though with many new friends.

3. Learning how to clean the radiator gasket for a car... that's another completely different blog altogether. Stay tuned.

4. Back to my November 2007 waistline... Yes, I can fit in old jeans again. That's how much I lost weight due to the events of the past 2-3 months.

5. Having a new appreciation for my family and friends, well-meaning that they are... though not necessarily always helpful :P but still... well-meaning....

I wish to have a clean, fresh start to 2009, with renewed hope for the future, whatever it is it has in store for me.

Life goes on, after all. And I hope my friend is right. Good things always around the corner.

Let's drink to the past, toast to the future, and cheer the present.

A boring workday.... a not-so-boring conversation

This was just WAAAYYYYY TOOOOO precious to NOT cut and paste up as a blogpost :P

Btw, my dear blogders... if any of you knows of any guy who fits the description below, please drop me an email at: nemesisonfire@gmail.com. I got a big-breasted, small-footed, fair-skinned, slit-eyed, technologically-CRAZY, slightly manic, virginal girl friend to introduce to him :P

I'd so get slaughtered for pimping her off like this :D but oh well.... :P

On a fine Friday afternoon, getting typically bored at work on a typically unexciting workday, other than completely scandalising my totally straitlaced (though I'd bet he's gay) colleague (he reads Jane Austen! I mean.... even the lady mentioned below can't stand Jane Austen! ohh... I forgot, she's quite male :P) and my completely gay colleague who fancies Mr. Straitlace.... the day continued to crawl along at a snail's pace as usual....

Until! I had the fine idea to have Ms. XY entertain me... she's very good at that :P

After all, we had a hot new topic to discuss.... a mutual friend's recent erm.... sexploits. Let's call her Ms. XX

[15:17]: teeteeteeeettttttt
[15:17]: i'm bored
[15:17]: i hear u gave ms. xx the third degree
ms. xy [15:17]: of coz
[15:18]: :P
[15:18]: yes, mama
[15:18]: :D
[15:18]: u're like the mother hen
[15:18]: guarding all the little chicks
[15:19]: then u peckpeck them if they run out of the reban ayam :P
ms. xy [15:19]: ??
ms. xy [15:19]: uh yeah.......
ms. xy [15:19]: if they something stupid
[15:20]: :D
[15:20]: u do realise....
[15:21]: it's fun watching u go nutterz? :P
[15:22]: and when u go: are u friggin outta ur mind?
[15:23]: but yalah
[15:23]: i told her i agree with u :P a bit ironic for a person selling HIV kits to be so ermmm.... cavalier :)
ms. xy [15:24]: was foaming at the mouth
[15:24]: ermmmm
[15:24]: i can imagine :P
[15:25]: why, did she come one day all starry eyed and all? :P
ms. xy [15:25]: no
ms. xy [15:25]: she spilled
ms. xy [15:25]: w/o me sayin nuthing
[15:26]: oh? yalar... she came all starry eyed
[15:26]: and cooey and happy :P
[15:26]: going it was so nice, etc etc? :P
ms. xy [15:28]: nope
ms. xy [15:28]: a bit sheepish actually
ms. xy [15:28]: since i querried bout d *ahem*
[15:30]: i KNEW it. u'd be the one going: are u practising safe sex? :P
[15:30]: then she'd go: i'm on the pill......
[15:30]: :P
ms. xy [15:33]: yes the it'll be i'm said SAFE sex. not birth control
[15:33]: :)
[15:34]: welllll.... i was quite stunned at first too
[15:34]: him being *** and all
[15:34]: if he's circumcised, it'll lessen the chances a bit
ms. xy [15:34]: *rolls eyes*
[15:34]: :D
[15:35]: man.... i wonder if u finally get a bf, u'd make him do the entire bloodtest, condom thingy :P
ms. xy [15:37]: prob
ms. xy [15:37]: n a full body scrubdown with antimicrobials
ms. xy [15:37]: mayb wrap him in nano silver
[15:43]: .....
[15:43]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[15:43]: u wanna turn him into a robot, duncha
[15:43]: hahahahaha
[15:44]: then how about the sex?
[15:44]: and the french kissing?
[15:44]: no go? :P
ms. xy [15:47]: after the nano silver works its magic
[15:47]: HAHAHAHAHAHA
[15:48]: u gonna wrap the insides of his mouth with nano silver too?
[15:48]: direct bodily fluid exchange how? :P
ms. xy [15:52]: more like flush his blood stream with it
ms. xy [15:53]: then make him wear a patch that constantly excrets d particles into him
[15:54]: LOL
[15:54]: ROFLMAO
[15:54]: thanks for making my day
[15:54]: u soooo want a robot for a bf
ms. xy [15:56]: of coz
[15:58]: can i PLEASE
[15:58]: put this on my blog?
[15:58]: PLEASE?
[15:58]: :P
[15:58]: who knows a guy who doesnt mind having nano silver pumped into him may JUST read my blog
[15:58]: hurhurhur
ms. xy [15:59]: funny
[15:59]: since he doesnt mind nano silver....
ms. xy [15:59]: i'm not really a fan of nano-silver
[15:59]: he'd prolly won't mind cosmetic surgery if he ain't cute enough :P
[15:59]: and he just MIGHT be ur bionic man
ms. xy [15:59]: but its anti-microbial properties will hav to do
[15:59]: :P
ms. xy [15:59]: funny
[15:59]: tea tree oil? :P
[15:59]: garlic??
[15:59]: :D
ms. xy [15:59]: no too organic
[15:59]: LOL
[16:00]: nano silver it is then
[16:00]: :P

Yes, I've asked her permission to post this up. She wants royalties. I figured if we get to marry her off, I should be getting royalties instead :P and yes, I forgot to mention. She bad at spelling :P

this is from 101 things every man should know how to do

... and it's fucking funny.

don't ask me why, but i'm one of those chicks who reads guys mags and books written for men and am very entertained by them. although, i also read trashy romance novels that has lines like: as he parted her lips with gentle precision, tenderly licking their tender, moist parting back and forth with firm, gentle strokes, determined to get into her inner sanctum, she moaned and whimpered softly, melting and yielding to his expert caresses.

yep, i just made that one up :P maybe next time i'll write a 12 page long one on just french kissing alone. just for fucks :P

anyway, here goes. laugh out loud. this IS funny, k? i wish i coulda printed this list and put it on the table of someone i formerly worked for who was insufferable, though. he could do with a lesson (or a dozen) on how to impress women. 'nuff said. :D

15 Ways to Your Woman's Heart....and Bed
Author: teresa1699
Word count: 832
Note: These are not in any particular order of importance.

1. Power tools are your friends. So is your woman's vibrator. Do not be intimidated if she knows more about both than you do.

2. Speak more than one language. Note to all men: Sports lingo does not qualify as a second language.

3. Laundry: Do not underestimate the sexiness of a man who can speak eloquently about Tide vs. All. Show me a man who can sort, wash , fold and put away in the correct locations and I will show you a man who gets laid , a lot.

4. Trim that hair (and we are not talking about facial hair). Back hair is a no-no. If we want to see Darwin's missing link in action, we will visit the Museum of Natural History. Trimming your nether regions is highly recommended. We don't like hair in our teeth either.

5. Autos: There is something undeniably sexy about a man who knows his way around an engine. Maybe it's the attention to detail , maybe it's a great ass bent over a hood of a car, whatever the appeal, a man that knows cars seems like he wouldn't mind spending a little extra time under your, um..... hood.

6. We do not want to be your mother. Especially if we have children with you. We want an equal partnership. We understand that it varies day to day on who does more. As long as the balance shifts in an appreciable way, we are happy. We hate to nag, really. Yes, we like to take care of you, we also like to have sex with you. (If this reminds you of your mother, I can recommend a great book. It's got this guy named Oedipus in it.)

7. Know how to give a massage: A massage should not just be foreplay. A massage is one of the most singly unselfish acts that a person can do for another. Granted, massage can lead to great sex because knowing that your partner is doing something solely for your benefit can be a turn-on and we just might feel like reciprocating.

8. Kids: How to narrow this down. First and foremost, you do not babysit your children. I have heard countless dads say that they are babysitting their kids. Have you ever heard a woman spew this nonsense? Second, diaper changing is not the sole domain of mothers. There is not a female gene that makes cleaning up poop any more palatable to us than to a male. Thirdly, with older children, cereal and chicken fingers are not a food group. Know how to feed your kids healthy stuff.

9. Guns: Owning one is a personal choice, but there is a reason Bruce Willis is still popular. A man that knows how to handle a gun seems in control and that he could keep you safe if need be. And deep down, women like men who kick the bad guy's ass.

10. Bugs: Killing bugs is a man's job. Period. We might even let you skip doing the dishes tonight if you will just kill whatever is scurrying across the floor, because while we might be able to handle the frogs, killing a cockroach and picking up its squirming body is just too much.

11. Gifts: Pick your own. Your secretary is not sleeping with your wife, has not watched her push something the size of a cantalope out of something the size of a kumquat when your firstborn came into the world, so why is she deciding what to get your wife? In theory, you should know us better than anyone else. We will be happy with almost anything you pick out for us, but stay away from appliances. Unless we have specifically asked for a vacuum, don't bring home a Dyson, because that vacuum will the the only sucking action going on in your house for weeks to come.

12. Directions: Why is it such a hardship for men to ask for directions? Are you scared of looking stupid in front of us? I guarantee that driving around lost for hours and refusing to ask for help is what makes you look an imbecile.

13. Tits: Know how to tell fake ones from real ones. What is the appeal of silicone boobs anyway? Imagine if men had silicone penises. Wouldn't the guy with the real 10 inch penis feel a little irritated that the fake penis was getting all the attention? We kind of feel the same way when it comes to boobs.

14. Cooking/Food/Wine: Food is a very sensual thing in a lot of ways. It involves all your senses, from the presentation to the scent to the texture of the meal. A man who can cook or appreciates good wine and a good meal is someone who likes to engage all their senses and that is a very good thing in bed.

15. Know your limitations: Every man has a talent. It could be dancing, it could be taxidermy, it could be cooking. If you aren't good at something, don't pretend to be. If you can't dance or sing , a career on Broadway is probably out. Be confident in your abilities but not arrogant in your limitations. Besides I can't remember ever seeing a tap-dancing taxidermist on Hell's Kitchen , can you?

the post on verk-full time shit cleaner, part time ******-er.

forewarned is forearmed.

I AM GOING TO BITCH.

there's been wayyyy too much things to bitch about of late, but i just hadn't had the time to.

so tonight, i will just bitch about work.

close friends would know i've got a new job. same line. bigger company. and yeah, i can see myself working here for awhile despite the heavy workload, and considering it's a bigger company, the chances for shitty office politics would be exponential to the size of the company. that's the formula that every fresh grad should've been armed with after leaving university.

but when i went for the interview, i took the offer because:

1. i could feel the winds of change starting to sweep the company. with some tenacity, i would be able to ride that wave. it was the same feeling i had in january 2008 even before the old company ran one of their infamous surveys.

2. this year would be MY year. FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE. if i KNOW i can, i WILL. i can't keep rolling around in life being unsure of who i am and what i want.

3. i happen to LIKE this work. it stresses me out, but it also makes me feel vital and alive.

4. i've had really sucky bosses. remember the one who was sexually frustrated and deprived? yep. too bad he paid my wages. i'd have ground him to smithereens otherwise. the things i said to people i used to date... i swear you don't wanna know. i've also had crazy insecure supervisors. it totally kills whatever motivation and/or passion and/or creativity you have. but at the interview, i sensed that this director may throw me over the deep end and just watch while i sink or swim, and would never take the initiative to guide me, but she would if i asked for help. and she would never hamper my desire for growth. and that's how i work best. and this is one of the main reasons i took this job.

5. for some strange reason.... good things come to me when i least expect it. or look for it. so from what i've gone through... i've learnt to trust the cosmic powers that push things into my lap, and never shoot the goose (that bore the egg) or look a gift horse in the mouth.


so what is it i wanna bitch about? yeah, office politics. surprise surprise.... thank god this is a colleague, and not a boss. if it were a superior, i'd pack my bags and leave. no point staying at a dead-end job.

this is WAR.

what did she do to piss me off majorly?

1. manage a project terribly, and steal me when i'm not brought in for her job.

2. throw a shitty project in my lap halfway through without a proper briefing and expect me to clean up shit.

3. never really answers questions on HER job when i ask her for explanations (remember i was barely briefed, and do not have all the materials) but sends me a really lovely email instead.

4. doesn't provide full information on what needs to be done, and expects me to take the fire on her behalf from the boss and the client on HER incompetency.

5. bitches about me behind my back when the boss tells her off about how badly she handled the project

6. bitches to everyone behind my back when i was complimented for cleaning up her shit well and was rewarded for it.

7. ignores me completely unless it's to do with work ever since.

seriously, i'm obsessive-compulsive, takes pride in what i do because i hardly have a life, and i consider my work an extension of myself, and yes, in some things, i'm a downright perfectionist. so what was she expecting... for me to screw up big time? just cos i'm new and entered a junior in comparison, doesn't mean i've never worked before and would allow myself to be pushed around.

oh yes, i keep quiet and don't say anything. but that's only because i'm no fool. never reveal all your cards until you've found out enough to know which card to pull for whom. fuck you if you think i'm sneaky. i've learnt this lesson the VERY hard way. life has thrown me too many curveballs for me to not take life's lessons seriously.

i may be a hard-head, but i ain't no fool.

i'm no apple-polisher, either, and right now, i just zone out when she starts being nasty... but i have a temper, a nasty one at that, and when i lose it, you won't want to be even a spectator. besides, the director didn't get to be a director by being an idiot. she knows who works and who doesn't.

so i'll just bide my time and wait for karma to come around on my behalf.

**

on another note, i really miss my old friends. we had a mini chat room the other day over messenger. and damn, how far we've come. how far more we have to go. and how the same roots still bind us.

i miss you girls. singapore, sarawak, japan, london, america. there is no glass ceiling. the only limitations we would ever have are the ones we impose on ourselves. we can go anywhere and do anything and reach any height if we wanted it badly enough. we are great like that :) we're fine wine. the real deal. we were gutsy girls and now we're gutsy women.

cheers! 10 years out of school. we did pretty well for ourselves :)

Unfinished

There are times when you come to mind.

And I wonder about what you're doing and how you are. And yet I never pick up the phone to call, in fact, I might have forgotten your number now. Funny, because only recently, I still did. Someone asked me if I have mental blocks. And I wonder if you're one of it.

And I wonder, too, what it would be if we were still talking.

I wonder about the what ifs, what could bes, and what might have beens.

I also wonder, what we would say to each other if we ever do cross paths in the future. Would I recognise your face if I see you again? Would you remember me? Would we pretend we didn't see each other and walk away? Or would we stop to say hello, even stop for a drink for old times' sakes?

I've no business wondering. I did force myself to forget.

And its strange that, almost always, invariably, the memory of you visits me when I'm at my saddest. When episodes of my life flashes before my closed eyes like seasons from a sitcom. So clear it was almost like yesterday.

In a way, perhaps, you're one of my regrets, if I have any. Perhaps because between you and I, its unfinished business.

So many things left unsaid, so much emotions left unspoken, so much left unexplained.

Although, I could, in a way, conclude from the lack of communication, a form of closure in itself, still, it's different than hearing it from you.

But perhaps, that always was our issue in the first place. You never really did speak much, and for myself, then, being young as I was, neither did I.

Henceforth, I promised myself that I would speak my mind, at whatever cost, because when it comes to you and I....

I just regret how things turned out.

Subconscious

it's one of the few times in her life when she could honestly say she was at a complete, total loss.

she wasn't sure what to say. what to do. what to think. even what to feel.

because this time it was different. and complex. and a dilemma in every sense of the word.

because it's not like no one gets hurt. it's just that it's no one's fault that it happened.

no one was to blame, and she knew it.

so what's there to do? what's there to say?

for hours and even days after that, she pondered the situation.

why did it hurt her? how does she feel? how would it change anything now? how to make things work?

funny how a slip of the subconscious could bring all the old insecurities to the fore, and cast new ones. was she good enough? smart enough? pretty enough? funny enough? kind enough? honest enough?

how to say what happened? how to bring voice to the nagging, unkind doubts turning cartwheels in her mind?

how to put all those aside, and just silence everything? stop everything? just take stock of what she had and work with it?

hopefully, this time around, with patience and honesty and kindness, and a lot of good, hard work, things would turn out for the best.

yet she still fears.

Fragments

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people. Sometimes it's the distance between oneself and his emotions. And sometimes it's between a fallen one and salvation.

**

Have you ever had one of those moments, when all you wanted to do was disappear? Just. Disappear. Into the swirling, churning vortex of oblivion. Get lost in a city of billions. Drown in a sea of faces. Hide in the darkest shadows. Be common. Be nothing. Faceless. Nameless. Soulless. Nothingness.

**

Endless: Destiny, Death, Dream, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destruction. Neil Gaiman is a genius. Dark, disturbing, but a genius nonetheless.

**

Boundaries...
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in. Life's messy.
That's how we're made.
So you can waste your lives drawing lines,
Or you can live your life crossing them.

There was a time I related so well with some of the lines from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd rather live my life building bridges rather than erecting walls.... so explain to me why at times I feel an overwhelming need to build up my defenses. I'm not into attacking, most times I prefer to be left alone. But that never really works. So to avoid being completely crushed, I've always had to be constantly cautious, even defensive. And when I let down my guard occasionally, experience has taught me that it is, more often than not, a very bad move. So over and over again, after each crushing defeat, the defenses go up, higher with each subsequent time, faster in its rebuilding, thicker and stronger. And then up go the armaments.

I wish this weren't so. But tell me, how do I balance self-preservation and building bridges? Perhaps someday I'd have my answer that's out of the box. But for now, it's a terrible quandary.

**

I'm guessing it's either make it, or break it.

Mourning and Healing

this was meant to be blogged earlier. because it was something that happened over the weekend. but i only managed to find some time now.

sometimes the biggest epiphanies hits you between the eyes when you least expect it to.

spent the wee hours of sunday crying quietly in bed.

spent saturday night out celebrating a good buddy's birthday, ex-housemates from 'the apartment'. the scandalous apartment. the one with booze parties and things that happen with booze parties. u get the picture.

there's something i wanna say to someone who shared that table that saturday night.

**

thank you. i took up that dare because i needed to feel like a woman again. because i needed to heal.

no, i didn't realise it then. all i felt then was depression, and pain suppressed so deeply in me, it took all i had to not go back to the darkness i thought i had left behind when i moved out.

of course, you probably didn't realise i was doing that. how could you, when i barely realised it myself?

i'm not even sure anyone at that booze party realise the fragile mask i had put on. the anger and frustration behind the smile. the mask-it was pure china, all of it.

there were signs, though, i normally don't start a drinking session by sculling whiskey neat, immediately. shot after shot of it. special brew, to boot. i like to start my drinking session slow and easy, normally.

i wonder if anyone noticed the craziness in my eyes. then again, i was wearing my glasses. it was dark. and i act crazy all the time. add to that the fact that everyone was trying to knock themselves out. no, i guess not.

i'm sorry if knowing this now would make you feel used. i don't mean it to. i didn't even realise it then. i suppose we'd always be teased about it. which is fine by me. i did ask for it by taking up your challenge. after all... i was single then, and so were you. you liked it then, and so did i.

and though i suspect you too, were harbouring your own dirty little depressing secret, it was still no excuse.

i doubt you know what you did for me. how broken i was inside then. how i curled myself up into a little ball every night as i wrapped myself around the middle in the protective foetal position while i sobbed myself to sleep. how i hated what i did, what had happened, what i had allowed myself to happen, how i allowed it to happen, how i allowed him to treat me the way he did, who i was.

how i felt the secrets and lies and deceit were too much for me to bear, and the burden of holding it was crushing me underneath it's weight. how i felt i could speak to no one, and the loneliness of that was choking me. how i feared for my own sanity, and the depression was so dark, holding me in it's visceral grip, i felt i could never set myself free.

i lost perspective. i lost confidence. i lost my sense of self. i lost sight. i lost sense. i lost hearing. i lost touch. with myself. with reality. self-preservation. self-worth. self-confidence. all slowly came crumbling down in a span of several ugly months.

yet i have no regrets. i'm a success. it's only a failure, only a regret if i never learnt from it. i did. i still do. it was hard-fought, hard-earned, and terribly pricey, but i came out a victor at the end. battered, bruised, left for dead, but i survived. i made it, and i'm stronger, and happier, and, hopefully, wiser.

so i do have to thank you for helping me heal... i suppose the moment i sculled that shot, and took your hand to get on that balcony, i made a conscious decision to start forgetting and start healing. quick. who better to make me feel like a sexpot again than one known for making women quiver within a 30-mile radius? after having had my face rubbed into horse manure, over and over again, it was high time to wipe the tears, wash myself, put on my best clothes and sexiest strut and have me some sexytime.

and it worked. better than i myself thought. it was a confidence-booster. it was sewing up old hurts and storing them away. it was knowing i still have it in me to make a man perk up and take notice. i needed that, and you gave it to me, with or without knowing you did it.

and although things almost got out of hand, i'm glad things didn't get further than they did, though. it shouldn't, and it didn't. so let's just keep what happened there where it is. i wouldn't change what happened on the merit of what i got out of it. i consider it a gift, and i thank you for it.

i know you liked it as much, but i sure hope it wasn't a regret. we've both moved on from there, after all.

like they say: all's well that end's well. que sera sera.

Cerebral Haemorrhage

been reading a book on alternate history for the past weekend, which spurred me on to read up on african issues online. haven't done this in awhile, actually.

resulting in (in short): several papers on gender issues, changing masculinities, migrant labour and unemployment, apartheid and political violence, western medical deviations and biotechnological warfare (with regards to apartheid and ethnic-cleasing). generational conflict, the clash between too-rapid urbanisation and traditional practices, in relation to homeland construction at the turn of the 21st century, and ALL of THESE affecting (and inducing) transactional sex among African women (specifically those from KwaZulu-Natal) (guess this is what someone told me would be called 'freelancers').

it's FASCINATING.

IMHO, africa and asia has a richness in cultural and historical diversity which westerners either do not have, or have forgotten. rise and fall of civilisations, i suppose. assimilation, or annihilation? you are all brilliant people. you decide.

and i'm reminded once more of 13-year-old me. wanting to volunteer as a social worker in far-off Africa. though the issue then (which still remains, though, i hope, to perhaps to a lesser degree than almost 1 and 1/2 decades ago) was female genital mutilation (i.e.: for those who don't know: the cutting off of a young girl's clitoris and sewing up her vagina leaving a teensy-weensy hole just large enough for menstrual blood to flow through. and this done using the same razor and needle for say, 50 girls. UNSTERILISED.) PREDOMINANTLY MASCULINE (but terribly uninformed, perhaps in part due to 'masculinity'?) CULTURE can be SO BLOODY CRUEL. pun intended. and men can be such assholes. makes me wonder how men would like their assholes sewn up. then maybe these macho macho men would know how it feels to have something big pushing against a tiny hole, and being unable to stretch. -.-

yeah, i'm graphic. :P been told that countless times.

and i'm a feminist. i don't make any pretensions to being otherwise. just ask friends who've known me more than a year. or read the above warning. injustice riles me. injustice against women and children makes me burst my capillaries.

opinionated feminist, i am. not the bra-burning type. what a waste of good money. i like sexy lingerie. i embrace my sexuality and the fact that i am a woman and can make a man go down on his knees if i wanna. if he be good good boy, i'd go down on mine. ;) but i can be macho too. hurhurhur. more macho than three-quarters the guys i know. pussies, all. and i'd stick a red-hot cilipadi paste-coated iron-rod the size of texas up his asshole if he's behaving like a bloody CUNT. comprende? (;) can anyone say Graphic, again?)

back to south-african papers. i digressed real far there :P

i am reminded AGAIN. somebody tell WHY am i doing what i'm doing again? i shoulda gone and studied anthropology, or anything in the social sciences. would probably have been better suited for that. oh! yeah.... i forgot. malaysian social norm of the late 90s then. generational conflict, urbanisation (in this case, the advent of globalisation), technological development (or rather the PROMISE of it), changing masculinities and gender issues, the POSSIBILITY of homeland construction (the taxpayer-friendly results of which, leaves much to be desired... oops! i meant to say, optimistically remains to be seen *smiles politically correctly and saccharine-sweetly*) at the turn of Malaysian 21st century.

silly me. how could i forget. :)

what happened? they say life got in the way. why fight it when you can join it. cynicism and bitterness comes with age. wisdom does not. neither does maturity.

i should start applying for government jobs now. oh wait!!! they only reply you THREE years later... EARLIEST. and then they send u off to far-off places....

my ovaries would be totally fried by then. oh!! wait... there's always transactional sex, right?

high school

:D went on discussion board for STS' alumni on what was it we miss about school most:

here are some which i had ALMOST forgotten....:

1. band practice (STS band rawked!)

2. school library (yeah, we had some REALLY INTERESTING books there :P)

3. climbing over St Jude's gate when they locked it in order to go to St Joe Parish tuition (HAHAHA!! GUILTY!!! lihai lehhh... in pinafore skirts some more... *rolls eyes* damn tomboy, i know :P)

4. St Jude's Maggie Mee curry with egg. Very sedap and unique taste, I'm still trying to get the same taste for my own Maggie mee curry. (OMG... YAAAA.....)

5. The lab storeroom where they stored preserved fetuses. That's what got me hyped about biology and ended up doing vet med. Yeah, I'm a sadist. (OMG... YARRRRRRRRRRR AGAIN! we had the COOLEST bio lab shit ever!)

6. Canteen's Sarawak laksa. Bloody damn sedap and cheap too. And also the mee soup. (:D YESH... and Mee Jawa too, i think. STS' canteen food pwnts SJS' anyday :P:P:P)

7. going to toilet with a special key (:P don't ask why, we also dunno. prolly so girls don't stuff used pads down the toilet and block up the entire sewerage system of the toilet block. yah. we had toilet BLOCKS :P)

8. The 'haunted' school hall back staircase! LOL! (yeah... all the ghost stories :P)

9. The beautiful school grounds with all the trees.. falling leaves (very autumn-ish) and all that! (OMG... yessss..... i still have dreams of going back to school when the leaves are falling, and walking the school grounds with it's up hills and down hills. like i used to do every morning yonks ago...)

10. The classrooms which were never too sunny.. and from the top floor, if you were lucky, you could actually see squirrels! (squirrels, birds, and hordes of other things :P)

11. First Fridays, because classes would start late (MUAHAHAHA... and those Days of Obligation, etc. etc. i know non-catholics (*coff*psycho!*coff*) who would suddenly be catholic for a day :P

12. summerhouse's ice kacang (by the 3 sisters. old fashioned, cooked with charcoal... YUMMMMM.... they don't have it anymore :()

13. playing board games on the LAST day of exams/school (and a lot of other made-up games to entertain ourselves :P)

14. choral speaking :P

15. the colourful teachers.

16. Old St. Mike's. (for kolomee and cui kiao :D)

that's what i missed as mentioned on the discussion board.

these are mine that weren't mentioned:

17. opening the merit-demerit book on the first day of school and seeing this:
dilarang berdua-duaan di kawasan perkarangan sekolah, gereja, dan perkuburan gereja. mata demerit: 10 markah (? or was it 20 markah? whatever. it was A LOT ok, for berdua-duaan! :P)

18. having a class more than 50% prefects.... and all BLOODY CORRUPTED to boot. :P *pssstttt..... spotcheck! keep the things!* LOL!

19. hiding liquid papers, CDs, and all manner of illegal stuff behind the boards at the back of the class, and the old blackboards in front.

20. being in a reallllyyyyy oooooolllllllddddddd school. u can smell the history seeping from the halls and stairways :) and the moveable double blackboards. :P that's the only reason i watch Harry Potter movies :P it reminds me of the la sallian brothers, franciscan sisters and british education system which our own is based on. even more so back home, and in a convent school like STS. :)

21. working on the school mag with davi, marg and siew ling. that's english and bm editors for u :)

22. annoying the fuck out of our teachers. making one particular one cry in primary 5. ok, not proud of it. but he was a MAJOR ASS.

23. creating jingles..... like: on top of spaghetti... all covered with cheese..... or: batman!!! walkin' down the highway, car came the other way, FLATMAAAANNNNN!!!! :D

24. the pencil family.

25. paper hangman, and those games where we divided a paper into columns labelled: countries, names, cities, famous people, animals, etc. 98 girls would know what i'm talking about ;) man, we were nerds/geeks. :P and proud of it!

26. creating ridiculous stories.

27. burping competitions in class. C/JJ were probably the undisputed queens of the burp!

28. having a fascination and endless conversations on GI Joe, Transformers, Saber Rider from 9-12, Aladdin from 12-14, X-Files from 14-our early 20s, archaelogy (especially Egyptian) from 13-18? *rolls eyes* definitely tomboys, we were :P

29. wearing shorts underneath our pinafores.

30. hanging-out at the church compound after school.

31. the sense of school pride. :) yeah, elitist somewhat, but i can't help it. A Teresian once, a Teresian for life! it was, after all, what forged and formed my identity.

32. the life-long friendships we forged for life. :) that's priceless, girls. it really is. XOXOXO. wherever we will go. however far we would move away from home and each other. there'll always be a bond between us. :) a toast to my sisters!

anything else? :) can't think of anymore right now. and it's time to go home :D

work, cats, people....

it's Tuesday, and my work is still stuck. damn, this sucks.

and i couldn't make that trip North for nothing.

moving to a houseful of cats. there are 3 new month-old kittens i have to help look after :) with pleasure. they're adorable! damn cute :D one is going for a mind-boggling 4000 Euros. hotdamn...

the cantor asked me to move into MPM's room, maybe next year. i'm kinda torn, cos i've kinda committed to this one. guess we'll just have to see. when he told me, though, the thought of moving into a room-ful of memories now, strangely affects me only about as much as moving into a room previously lived in by cats :P

that's when it struck me: it's so over :) i was so relieved. and i would be lying if i didn't say the realisation filled me with joy :)

all's well that end's well, i suppose.

the psycho bought herself some new stuff. my reaction: O.O aiiii-jjjoooooooorrrrrrrrr!!!!!! and she's waxing horny lyrical over phones..... i need to find her a man. quick! she's having orgasms over communication devices' user interfaces.... *rolls eyes*

i swear we'd be an old married couple if we both didn't like men so much. or at least, the aesthetic beauty of the male body/apparatus.

i cook, she cleans. she sweeps, i'd mop. we'd be sitting in her car, and she'd take the parking ticket, n i'd immediately reach for it, n put it in a particular compartment in her purse. n wind up the window. no exchange of words. then when she parks, i'd remember to make sure she DID lock the car. cos she's OCD like that :P

it'd always end up:
*parks, gets out*
*walks a few steps, she turns around* I locked the car, right?
*me, doesn't stop walking* You locked the car.
Ok, thanks.

:P

this was what a friend said to another friend: they're so different from each other ya? to which the friend replied: ya, they're so different. don't know how they became good friends. :P

seriously, u know u've known someone WAAAAAYYYYY too long when they can text u one saturday at mid-day, thus: (and i quote verbatim) Hey bum, u done wankg? Wana go lunch or sumwhr?

*ROLLS EYES*

known someone for way too long and way too well indeed. :P I swear sometimes familiarity breeds contempt!!

Asphyxiated Exhibit

Thursday, 25.10.2007. 1838 hours.

Today I felt as though I were a museum exhibit on display.

To be stared at, prodded, gawked at, quizzed about.

I know it's just the paranoia in me, but I couldn't help feeling like that.

I'm unused to unsolicited attention.

First by my friends, then by his friends.

Add the frustration of going nowhere with my stalled work, and the SLP being downright abrasive, and I felt ready to implode.

My privacy and my stagefright are probably two of several of my well-kept secrets.

Since both are going to ashes, I might as well come clean with them.

Like I told J around this time last year, though among my schoolmates (J's one of them), I was a known retired public-speaker, what they didn't know was how I'd break out in cold cold sweat, and my hands would shake each time I go out on stage. My father's training, and later my own public-speaking taught me to hide that initial nervousness. And obviously I learnt to do it well enough for people to not notice.

It's the same with my privacy. Behind the aggressive behaviour, the crazy laughter and the psychotic smile, I'm actually a very shy and intensely private person. I've trained myself to blush less. To ignore certain things. Yes, I'm used to a certain amount of attention. Doesn't mean I like all of it. Which is why I try to protect my privacy as much as possible. At least the innermost sanctuary where my many multiple personalities dwell. What's private to me, may not be private to someone else. To each their own.

I keep plenty of things close to my chest, I dislike laying down all my cards at once on the table to a person. Until I trust the person enough, am comfortable enough with sharing.

I dislike my private space disturbed. Few people know where I stay, even less are allowed into my room. Some call it anal, some call it freaky, but I like it that way. I make no apologies for my quirks.

My thoughts are even more so. I'm annoyed especially, with the SLP because he's an Extremely Invasive Man. Some things people just don't wanna tell you. Don't push it already. It's intrusive. A Transvaginal Ultrasound Scan plus Cervical Pap Smear is preferable to some of his choicest questions. For instance: "How can your father know everything. You mean he even knows who and how many men you had sex with?" This was less than a month from meeting him. And in front of colleagues to boot. I was so angry I could combust. No, I didn't. But the day I leave, I'm gonna tell him he's one obnoxious, snotty, irritating, egocentric little little asshole of a man. For now, it's 'Ignore Everything, Say Nothing.' Well, I can try. :(

To be asked so many private questions by so many people all at once, to then have my decision questioned at every turn, to later have a private conversation observed by others made me feel downright naked when I'm not ready to be. The unsolicited attention was enough to make me feel as though my private sanctum was intruded. Invaded. Without my permission. And then ransacked. I couldn't help getting my defenses up. It was a reflex defensive mechanism after all. And being used to standing up for myself and looking after my own interests on my own for the most part of my life, yes, I was downright defensive. And aggressively so.

I know I'm insane. Among other things. 'Prickly porcupine'. 'Cactus'. 'Seahorse'. 'More male than female'. 'Shrew'. An oxymoron. A walking contradiction. Anal, paranoid bitch. Psychotic, neurotic weirdo. :( I'm sorry. I make no excuses for all that.

No one owns the market on insecurities.

I'm trying. Learning to finally let go of my hang-ups, insecurities and plenty of little eccentricities, and then finally, and slowly, learning how to share my life so closely with another individual frightens me. It's difficult. At least for me.

I'm so used to being alone. I LIKE being alone. Independence is something I greatly appreciate. Having to answer to as little people as possible. That type of freedom to do what I want, when I want it. Behave however the fuck I want to. However the fuck I like. And the devil can fly with public opinion. Up yours, you know. Within the borderline norm of civic behaviour, of course.

Now I have to learn how to be a GIRL. Dammit. This isn't easy. Not for me, it's not. I was brought up to be with more boys than girls. To be more like a boy. To think like one, too. It was a counter-offensive measure.

Because girls, sadly, in the larger community, is treated more like a liability than an asset. Because in the larger scheme of things here, women are secondary to men. Dispensable. That's the ugly truth.

I would have liked that people could think that although men and women are equal, we are NOT the same. Men and women are made to complement one another. But it doesn't mean that women are all that different from men. Sigh.

I'm the female who told a guy in university who whined about women being difficult to understand and difficult to live with that: A hole is a hole to you, right? So if women are that difficult, go settle down with a pinata la!!

Fine. I'm aggressive when I get my defenses up. :( No one likes the truth being thrust in their faces, I suppose. Yes, damn macho. :(

Being a girl. I wonder if I could do that. This is worse than being given 1 week to study for a Physics exam. At least there, only I would get hurt if I fail. :(

I know this news is THE bomb, Myocardial Infarction-worthy. It being a first, it's a novelty, too. But I'm trying to get used to this whole idea myself. Still currently trying to slowly feel my way. Groping half-blind in the half-dark, in a way.

Cut me some slack, people. I'm not a lab specimen. I'm not a goldfish living in a fishbowl. Give me some room to breathe. Please. I feel asphyxiated.

1754 hours on a Saturday Evening

Gah..... Here are a few things.... Don't blame me if this shocks you. I'm currently very pissy. Due to hunger. And stress.....

1) I'm stuck at work at 1754 hours on a Saturday evening. Say it with me now: Hurrah! Hurrah!

2) Frozen Kinder Bueno is good for the soul. Very good. I'm souled out.

3) I need a wank when I am stressed out. Yes, fuckers, women wank, too. And since I'm not getting laid, I bloody wank. Ok? And don't give me that look already... What's with the gasping? Check out the banner at the top. I DID WARN YOU by saying: "Sexually explicit. Seriously violent. Liberal use of expletives, so be warned. Definitely not for children." Right? There you go. Here's a confession: I DID stop wanking for several LLLOOOONNNNGGGG months due to depression. It didn't help. Brought me lower down. So damn you all, I shall wank as often as I like. All engines need lubrication. I have absolutely no intention to let my va-jay-jay dry up like a wrinkled, sad, old, prune. And NO. Random sex with random strangers might lead to very scary random diseases. I was trained as a Microbiologist. I should know. That's not an option.

4) Random strangers talk to me. Don't ask me why. I don't know. For everyday of this week, some random stranger/strangers have stopped me at least once to ask for something. And to have the same weirdo ask you for money on two separate days and occasions in the same week borders on frightening. EEEEKKKKKKKSSSSSS!!!!!!

5) I AM HUNGRY!!! FEED MEEEE!!!! :( Sugar level dipping. Migraine setting on. NO GOOD. NO GOOD AT ALL. Getting very cranky. Snapped at annoying SLP. Uh-oh!

'cos i am a bee-o-ach... yeah... fuck me... why don't u :)

psycho says i'm a bee-o-ach :D cos i was gonna blog about her.

see, she told me to fucking blog already, but she herself 'tiada inspirasi'. bitch. cibai. WANKER!

also cos she ppk me for mooncake festival. we were supposed to go out together. all of us. she had to fucking go to the fucking plant at fucking night-time for her fucking fucktard of a fuckwitted company on fucking mid-autum fucking festival. what the fuck.... FUCK!!! bitch. cibai. WANKER!

then yesterday she got back home from work at fucking 5am this morning.... what the fuck!

and she's been meaning to quit for YEARS. i tell yooouuuuuuu.... Fucking Quit Already THEN. haihhh.... she's no sucker when it comes to men (well, not really, but better than me) but she's a fucked up sucker when it comes to work :(

bimbotic bitch comes in and asks her to do something which she's done already (with witnesses) and she's left frustrated and speechless. when she told me, yeah i was so pissed off on her behalf, i told her: why dont u tell her: 'would you like a press conference the next time you're here, ma'am?'

yeah, i learnt to be sarcastically bitchy without being downright insulting in my years doing customer service. when i quit my job at THE STUPIDEST MEDICAL CENTRE this side of malaysia, and the ortho surgeon asked me why i was leaving, i told him: well, it appears there are irreconcilable differences in terms of opinion, ethics and practices with the upper management. he was floored for a several seconds there. :P then he smiled and said: well.... good luck to you, wherever you're going. :) he was the nicest looking thing in that fucked-up place, though. and he was mighty nice, too.

anyway, back to my psychotic friend. was talking to another mutual friend who's in the north now, and well, like all girls, we reminisce about things past, and mutual friends. she was saying something about her putting on weight, i was telling her about some dieting according to blood type which my big boss practices, and several friends did as well, which caused one of them to drop like 18kgs in 3-4 months? hmmm.... and i was telling her about how i cant be doing the 'eat once a day diet', cos i'd frigging go crazy. this girl's gotta eat like every 4 hours. or my hands will shake, i'd start getting miiiggghhhhttttyyyyyy pissy, and then when the migraine sets in, that's it. u're fucking screwed if u're in the line of fire.

so J says: ya ya ya... i must eat too
and i said: i can't be like (psychobitch) eat only once a day... how she can go 24 hours without food is beyond me....
J: omg.. ya... she's crazy... summore she so thin liao.
me: ya loh...
J: tell her she needs a healthier diet, and to eat more. else later her boobs also gone, then she know...

*cue both of us laughing really hard*

why? cos the girl got lovely tits. and i say this in a totally non-lesbo way. it's big. and she's chinese. which is kinda rare. oh, did i say big? i meant fairly damn huge. :P

btw, she knows i'm blogging about her. i gave her fair warning. see, i don't backstab ppl. what's the point when u can stab them when they're watching? :P i rather do the frontstabbing.... in fact...

*text messaging at 6++pm*

me: J and i were discussing u today on msgr. she says u gotta change ur eating habits, or eat more, else u'd be losing ur tits..
P: OOOOIIIIIII!!!!!!!!! BABIIIII!!!!!!!!!
me: btw, we is gonna have another 'kutuk u' session tmr. yes?? u know we laps u :P
P: WTF??!! Oi!! I demand 2 b represented by a defense. I will not be subjected to a trial w/o fair representation!
me: it's not a fair trial... hence the word 'kutuk' :D awww... u know we laps u :P
P: Fuck u bitches...
me: *muaxxx*
P: Grah!! *sigh

hehehe... yep... that's a NORMAL conversation, btw. if we don't insult each other, we feel like something's not right :)

and yeah, she knows i'm blogging about her... i'm fully expecting her to flame me right back. cos she said so :P

ok, on to other stuff.

1) i just got my namecard! FINALLY! :P it says 'consultant'. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!! i was definitely tickled. no handphone number. good. :P

2) planning another tipsy girls' night out when the girl comes back from japan :D yay... somehow we seem to party harder when boys aren't around... odd :P long island tea, bling, lots of suggestive dancing, fuck-me-heels... THAT frame of mind... yep! gonna be a good night. it's all in the company and the music.

3) LOL. J reminisced about the days when she hadn't gotten married, and we were all still in university. how we were supposed to go for dinner at finnegan's but ended up staying for the clubbing.... and we were all in t-shirts while everyone else was in bling... and i ended up tabletop dancing... in my SPIDEY t-shirt... cos there was a really hot woman there who danced like she was a pole-dancer, and she dragged me up there. while she crawled around the table wiggling her assets. hotdamn! yeah, i remember :) good times, those :) those were the times when i still thought everything was possible.

4) i had nothing better to do :P so i went on blogthings... yeah, i still have a weakness for quizzes :D

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You give and take equally in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

uggghhhh... it's the last part of that that i wanna change.... but i guess something so ingrained, well.... i guess i'll just have to take me as i am.

enjoy :P

I'm FUCKIN' BLOGGIN' ALREADY, BITCH!!! :D

so, ahem... i was told to 'Stop fucking around on f***** and start blogging already!'

guess it's been a long time :) so many things have happened since, it amazes me...

life goes on, i guess...

i've got so many blogs written fully in my head, but i'm too darn lazy and i was also genuinely busy, so i haven't blogged. even have some written on paper... but... to... lift... those.... fin-gers.... to... type... is... haaarrrrddddd.... woooorrrrkkkk..... *yawn* :P

(no, bitch... not just busy superpoking ppl :P)

so what have i been up to? what's new?

for the 1.5 ppl still visiting me here :)

i've been:

a) talking to the voices in my head. they were all quarrelling with each other, see :) hence all the stress.... we're all happily on the same side, now, minus the minor arguments, so it's all good :D

b) work. seriously. finished up a job in august. commencing on a few potentials this month. work's good :) keeps me occupied.

c) spending too much time on f****'s apps. gotta join f**** apps anonymous soon :P according to Nick. well, i agree. haha. but it's been a pleasure. found so many old and new friends there :D and it's WAAAAYYYYY cooler than f*****. :P

d) meeting up with friends, meeting new ones, partaaayyyyy-iiinnnnggggg!!!!! :D as some of u might know, from the pics i've put up. life's been rockin'! :D

e) burying the ghosts of the past :) will put up posts about that later. be warned ;) forewarned is forearmed, dahlings :)

i'm glad my friends have rallied for me :) it's good to know one is loved. thank you. all of you :) u guys know who u are. through my fluctuating moods, and my cranky rants. and my anger. and lawd... the frustration :P u ppl must be saints. i love you too :) yeah, this is my way of saying thank you.

what else? ohh... i think bachelor girl's Buses and Trains best describes my situation now.... *sighs* sometimes things happen when one least expects it, i suppose. sang this over and over in the car friday night :P one of my faves from old times. and my god, still so fitting after so many years. kinda like natalie imbruglia's Torn.

Hey Mom, why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two?
You just let me go, out into the world,
You never thought to share what you knew.

CHORUS

So I walked under a bus,
I got hit by a train,
Keep fallin' in love,
Which is kind of the same,
I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane,
And it felt so good, I wanna do it again.

Hey Mom, why didn't you warn me?
'Cause about boys there's something I should have known,
They're like chocolate cake, like cigarettes,
I know they're bad for me but I just can't leave 'em alone.

CHORUS

Hey Mom, since we're talkin',
What was it like when you were young?
Has the world changed or is still the same?
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun.

ciaoz :) will be back again. soon. promise. *kisses*

Finality

17.08.2007. 1942 hours.

I finally took the steps I should have taken long ago on my own accord today.

Finally.

The finality weighted down on me. But it had to be done. Considering how he was a selfish coward to the end, and how finally, that selfish cowardice turned into a cruelty so crippling, its consequences on me, he would never see, and, if I had my way, he'd never know.

He probably never thought twice about it, but he would criticise all but one of my five senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing. The only thing he didn't complain about was my voice. Perhaps, given time, he might have started criticising that as well.

It makes me wonder now: What type of little person was he, that he had to put me down, especially after a particularly intimate moment?
If I had doubts about my self-esteem, his criticism would have destroyed me.
Was that what he was seeking to do? What did he get out of such behaviour? But I no longer want to know.

Looking back now, there are some aspects to our situation then that I did not understand, which I do now. It casts an even greater shadow on the memory.

It makes me wonder, too, if everything he did then, had a hidden agenda. The thought made me blanch, but I suppose I have to face the consequences of my choice. So I made a mistake. A huge one.

I suppose if I were he, I wouldn't be able to help not just having the emotional range of a teaspoon, but also the psychological range of a pinhead.

I feel sorry for him.

But I can't spend the rest of my life playing counselor. And I won't take being used and abused again.

Someday he may finally come to his senses.
Someday he may learn to be less selfish.
Someday he may no longer be a coward.
Someday he may finally grow up and be a man.
But someday is too long to wait.

Someday might be tomorrow. Someday might be his deathbed.
Someday is a word he uses when he doesn't want to make a commitment.

Someday I may learn to trust and respect him again.
Someday I may learn to like him as a person once more.
Someday we might share once more the camaraderie we used to share.
Someday I may no longer feel as hurt as I do now.

But for now, I would rather keep it like this.

It would be as though we never met again.

I would remember him as the boy I used to know in school.

I'd wipe out as best I can, my memory of him as the charred holey remains of a shell I met again years later.

Because no matter how hard I tried to fill that shell, I could never do so.
No matter how much tears I filled it up with, it never did fill.

So I've stopped trying. It's too late for me.
Perhaps not for him, but for me.

Because it hurts to feel used.
Because it hurts to feel cheated on.
Because it hurts to care and yet realise it's one-sided.
Because it hurts to love a person incapable of loving.
Because it hurts to feel stupid and question your own judgment.
Because it hurts to know you've been betrayed.
Because it hurts to ask yourself:
'You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?'

Love and acceptance has to be borne, it cannot be expected from someone else.
If you hold someone's hand, you would never let it go. But it you ask someone to hold yours, you never know when you would be let go of.
You have to love and accept yourself first, before someone else can love and accept you. Because truly, how the world sees you, is how much you see, and show of, yourself to the world.

I suppose that truth is something he would never understand. Partly because he has never really wanted to try. An empty peace without true commitment is always what he had sought after. He is still a spoilt, selfish, cowardly little brat. A wilful 4-year-old who throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he want. Took me awhile to see that, and come to terms with it. All the women in his life, he had never treated well. Not the first, not the second, not the third, not the fourth, and not even his mother. He had never had enough respect for anyone of them to tell anyone of them the full truth at all times.

He hates himself. TOO much. And he expects other people to fill that gap in his life. To make him feel good about himself. To keep him from hating himself. He doesn't realise only he himself can do that for himself.

I refuse to live like that. Yet that is the very painful truth I had to finally come to terms with. That was what sealed the decision for me. A boy who has no respect for his parents, and who hates himself, is extremely flawed in character.

And the truth is, no matter how elitist this may sound, but Oprah Winfrey was right. We should surround ourselves only with people who would lift us up, not drag us down.

I hope this would be the end of it. The last of it. I'm turning my wounds into wisdom. Because I know, the way we're meant to be is that where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Perhaps that was his problem from Day 1. But it's no longer my problem. It never was in the first place. All he's ever done for me was tell me 'No'. No, I wasn't good enough. No, I wasn't hot enough. No, I wasn't skinny enough (I should weigh less than 45kgs). No, I didn't smell good enough. No, No, No. Fuck it, he had never earned the right to tell me Yes in the first place. So why take a No?

'When it comes to being lucky, he's first,
When it comes to loving me, he's the worst.'

Here are more of my favourite quotes from the Great Coloured Lady:

1. Never take a 'no' from somebody who isn't in a position to give you a 'yes' in the first place.

2. We are each responsible for our own life - no other person is or even can be.

3. The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.

4. If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think.

5. I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself.

6. You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more.

7. It is confidence in our bodies, minds and spirits that allows us to keep looking for new adventures, new directions to grow in, and new lessons to learn - which is what life is all about.

8. I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk.

9. For everyone of us that succeeds, it's because there's somebody there to show you the way out. The light doesn't always necessarily have to be in your family.

10. We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are.

11. I know that you cannot hate other people without hating yourself.

My Fave Quote of the Week.

It doesn't matter that I'm so going to overdose on most if not all of these food because like what they always said in camp, "What the mind can perceive, the body can conceive." So, I perceive that after eating all these, I will be SLIM, SEXY and HOT. Sorrylah for being so perasan but I need to perceive it so that I can conceive it. :P

~My former student, A.T.~

LoL!!! I taught her well, apparently. :P She's going off to be yet another Teresian Ivy-Leaguer soon. All the Best! ;)

Student, u take me for all that makan when u get back again :)

But for now, i'll be a good former teacher and say: Study Smart, Study as Hard as you Party ;) cos u've only got uni years once. Don't waste it mooning over stupid useless boys, and ruining the rest of your life by making excuses for living :) You've got ur youth only once too. Make the best of it. You never know if you die tomorrow in some freak accident :P I know: CHOI!!!

So Party Hard, Study Hard, Party SMART, Study SMART, Regret Nothing. There's always something to be learnt from everyone and everything.

Good Luck! MUAX! :)