And this one's for you, mon petit bébé

(Love)Love is a verb

Love is a doing word

Feathers on my breath

Gentle impulsion

Shakes me makes me lighter

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire

Feathers on my breath

In the night of matter

Black flowers blossom

Feathers on my breath

Black flowers blossom

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire

Feathers on my breath

Water is my eye

Most faithful mirror

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire of a confession

Feathers on my breath

Most faithful mirror

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire

Feathers on my breath

You're stumbling a little

You're stumbling a little

~Massive Attack's Teardrop~

I'm sorry this was all you were given. Teardrop on the fire of a confession, feathers on my breath, black flowers blossoming in the night of matter, water being my eyes. I can't forget you, and I love you so very much. I'd have given so much for you to stay, even given it another chance.

2008

It's been a long, difficult year.

High points. Low points.

I've had to struggle in my career, in my personal life. I've had to shelve a few plans.

2008 has been bittersweet.

Career-wise, it's a cliffhanger. Salary increment plans would be on hold till further notice. So there's that. Nothing I can say about that. I'm just glad I've done what I've aimed to do when I took this job offer: Learn. And that I have. It's better no salary increment than to have a pay-cut and get laid off anyway, which is being done in several companies, given the current economic climate. So I'll dig my heels in and weather the storm as best I can. After all, it wasn't a bad start to my new job. And I'm trying to keep as positive as I can.

Personal life, well I suppose if anyone's been following that's off till further notice too. I'm not sure where that will be going. I suppose for now, I'll be concentrating on me. 'Cos I've let go. There's no more anger, no more frustration, just sadness. Resignation. Forgiveness too, for what had been done. Although I wouldn't let any of that happen to me again. That's just self-preservation. Once bitten, twice shy. But we've both made many mistakes, and forgiveness is important to move forward with living.

It sucks to break up right before the holiday season. Christmas was always the most quietly romantic holiday for me. Time to spend with loved ones. People we cherish most. But in a way I'm glad. And relieved. It would suck even more to be crying and fighting during the holiday season. Mayhap it's better this way.

There's much to be learnt from solitude after all.

Met a friend I knew from a friend, and barely know in person on fb chat. And he tells me: 'cheer up dear... good things always around the corner... though sometimes it can be a long corner... nevertheless .... good things...'

Strangely comforting, coming from a guy who annoys me to bits each time we meet. :P Probably the first time he sounds his age in the few times we meet... and immediately after, he sounds like his usual jackass self again :)

That, though, somehow made me cry again, silly as it is... it's been a really long corner this year, and I've come right to the edge of breaking point so many times. I suppose that's the price to pay for growing up. I do hope he's right... I could do with a nice break, even a small one, just to know the effort's not all been in vain.

So I wanna take a break. From the daily grind for awhile. Just to recharge, rejuvenate. Probably remove myself from people for awhile. Just to rediscover myself.

It's been a long corner of a year. But I've had no regrets.

I ended the year:

1. On a cliffhanger due to the global economic downturn.

2. Newly single again, though with many new friends.

3. Learning how to clean the radiator gasket for a car... that's another completely different blog altogether. Stay tuned.

4. Back to my November 2007 waistline... Yes, I can fit in old jeans again. That's how much I lost weight due to the events of the past 2-3 months.

5. Having a new appreciation for my family and friends, well-meaning that they are... though not necessarily always helpful :P but still... well-meaning....

I wish to have a clean, fresh start to 2009, with renewed hope for the future, whatever it is it has in store for me.

Life goes on, after all. And I hope my friend is right. Good things always around the corner.

Let's drink to the past, toast to the future, and cheer the present.

My Empire of Dirt

Sunday, 24.08.2008. 0204 hours

My Empire of Dirt

Why do I sometimes despair so?

K asked me out tonight, and I just couldn't say no, tired as I was, lacking sleep as I was, imploding as I was.

The four walls were stifling me. We hadn't talked for awhile, and I just had to get things off my chest. Things I could tell only a handful of people. Things I just couldn't tell you or it'd send us both hurtling into a hopeless spiralling melange of emotions. And when things can't be solved face to face, we'd end up both lying in bed thinking wtf.

Well, I know I do.

The bad dreams do not help either. It's not just insecurity I feel. It's insecurity tinged with a certain amount of resignation.

I try to push all of these aside, but when figures of the past come out of the woodwork and stand tall, I can only feel so small.

Is this delirium?

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears

You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

~excerpt: Nine Inch Nails- Hurt~

Sigh...

Unfinished

There are times when you come to mind.

And I wonder about what you're doing and how you are. And yet I never pick up the phone to call, in fact, I might have forgotten your number now. Funny, because only recently, I still did. Someone asked me if I have mental blocks. And I wonder if you're one of it.

And I wonder, too, what it would be if we were still talking.

I wonder about the what ifs, what could bes, and what might have beens.

I also wonder, what we would say to each other if we ever do cross paths in the future. Would I recognise your face if I see you again? Would you remember me? Would we pretend we didn't see each other and walk away? Or would we stop to say hello, even stop for a drink for old times' sakes?

I've no business wondering. I did force myself to forget.

And its strange that, almost always, invariably, the memory of you visits me when I'm at my saddest. When episodes of my life flashes before my closed eyes like seasons from a sitcom. So clear it was almost like yesterday.

In a way, perhaps, you're one of my regrets, if I have any. Perhaps because between you and I, its unfinished business.

So many things left unsaid, so much emotions left unspoken, so much left unexplained.

Although, I could, in a way, conclude from the lack of communication, a form of closure in itself, still, it's different than hearing it from you.

But perhaps, that always was our issue in the first place. You never really did speak much, and for myself, then, being young as I was, neither did I.

Henceforth, I promised myself that I would speak my mind, at whatever cost, because when it comes to you and I....

I just regret how things turned out.

Insomnia

movement... in the depths of my subconscious.

movement... the clock ticks. it slows down for no man or woman.

movement... restlessness. sleeplessness.

movement... and yet unseen. i feel it in the tingle on my skin. in the things i see between sleep and wakefulness. that no man's land. subtle... but it's there.

and last night for some reason, i couldn't sleep. something's afoot, and i know it. 0100 hours. 0300 hours. 0500 hours. 0700 hours. finally. o sleep, tis a gentle thing, beloved from pole to pole. to mary queen, the praise be giv'n, she sent the gentle sleep from heav'n, that slid into my soul. 0800 hours. and i'm awake.

the answer's on the calendar.

dammit. gotta put old demons to rest. watch em shrivel like an overturned snail covered in salt. it has to be SO over. i ain't hittin' 27 with a deadweight of shit on my shoulders.

so i dug into the demon-infested recesses of my memories, and revisited old wounds today. i don't know why i do this, sometimes. but i feel that i must do certain things only when i'm ready, and as a test to ascertain that i truly am ready to lay all ghosts to RIP.

the carousel... has stopped spinning. i've gotten off, finally. i walk away, but as i do, i look behind one last time. it had been quite a ride. there is a lot of sadness, and some nostalgia, a little bit of fondness. but i know full well the ride is over. and this would be one ride i would really rather not get on again.

i guess this explains it best:

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later I get what I’m asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
The truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you (I'll always have you)

Sick of playing all of these games
It’s not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror didn’t deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could stop
Admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I’ve gotta be strong and leave you behind

If I live every moment
Won’t change any moment
There's still a part of me in you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do, oh

~Jordin Sparks, Tattoo~

the precipice... i realise now was a path i had to travel. a situation i had to experience to gain better insight into my own psyche. to better understand my motivations. the fall was painful and deeply depressing. but with it was a lesson so priceless, it was worth it all. to know who your true friends are, to realise why you make the mistakes that you do, is an epiphany that i would never give up now that i have the knowledge. self-knowledge is more potent than any other, perhaps because it is like taking one more step closer to God. He did, after all, make us in His likeness.

i have no regrets. the precipice happened for a reason, and even if the other party learnt nothing from it, i have done my part, and i have done my best.

this i walk away from without looking back at all. no nostalgia, no fondness, just self-awareness.

Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging the waters til the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember anything I said when I said,

Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding
Oh hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you've left to go?
She cries her life is like
Some movie in black and white
Dead actors faking lines, over and over and over again she cries

And I watched as you turned away
You don't remember, but I do
You never even tried
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again, oh

~Fuel, Hemmorhage~

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'M NOT SORRY THERE'S NOTHING TO SAVE...

~Stars, Your Ex-Lover Is Dead~

***
and as i toss and turn in my sad excuse for a bed last night, i wonder what the future has in store for me. so the demons are banished. what next?

this year has been difficult. yes i'm wiser now, i hope.

but all these just serves to tell me one thing. i know nothing. i can make no promises. all i have is me. and who i am now.

all of these just serves to remind me: i am of this earth. my life is not my own.

there is a greater power at work here. all i can do is plan. but whether or not my plans come to pass is not of my jurisdiction.

and i miss you. terribly.

have i ever told anyone: i find christmas a more subtly romantic event than valentine's? christmas is for family, and good friends, and cosy dinners. it's about passion and firelights. something of a reality rather than the candlelights of which dreams are spun.

and i miss you. terribly.

for one with such perpetual verbosity as i, the silence i find myself in now is plain insufferable.

and this christmas, words fail me.

so i suppose i'd just borrow janis gott's:

I know Santa is a friend of mine and he's always been good to me
Always treats me right every Christmas night puts things beneath my tree.
But the one thing I want him to bring has never been on his sleigh
It's always on my mind, a gift I'm hoping to find when I open my eyes on Christmas day

I want you to wrap your love around me like a big red Christmas bow
I want to feel your love surround me everywhere I go
And when the holidays are over no more tinsel, no more snow
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow

Take the stockings from the fireplace but leave the angel on the tree
To watch, protect and to direct your love straight down to me
Now close your eyes, here's my surprise, feel my heart if you need a clue.
It is yours alone for you to keep and to own in return I ask one thing of you.

I want you to wrap your love around me like a big red Christmas bow
I want to feel your love surround me everywhere I go
And when the holidays are over not a trace of mistletoe
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow

~Janis Gott, Big Red Christmas Bow~

and again... i miss you. terribly.

Fragments

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people. Sometimes it's the distance between oneself and his emotions. And sometimes it's between a fallen one and salvation.

**

Have you ever had one of those moments, when all you wanted to do was disappear? Just. Disappear. Into the swirling, churning vortex of oblivion. Get lost in a city of billions. Drown in a sea of faces. Hide in the darkest shadows. Be common. Be nothing. Faceless. Nameless. Soulless. Nothingness.

**

Endless: Destiny, Death, Dream, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destruction. Neil Gaiman is a genius. Dark, disturbing, but a genius nonetheless.

**

Boundaries...
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in. Life's messy.
That's how we're made.
So you can waste your lives drawing lines,
Or you can live your life crossing them.

There was a time I related so well with some of the lines from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd rather live my life building bridges rather than erecting walls.... so explain to me why at times I feel an overwhelming need to build up my defenses. I'm not into attacking, most times I prefer to be left alone. But that never really works. So to avoid being completely crushed, I've always had to be constantly cautious, even defensive. And when I let down my guard occasionally, experience has taught me that it is, more often than not, a very bad move. So over and over again, after each crushing defeat, the defenses go up, higher with each subsequent time, faster in its rebuilding, thicker and stronger. And then up go the armaments.

I wish this weren't so. But tell me, how do I balance self-preservation and building bridges? Perhaps someday I'd have my answer that's out of the box. But for now, it's a terrible quandary.

**

I'm guessing it's either make it, or break it.

personality disorder quiz

i swear i've done this before, but what the hell....

hmmm.... antisocial. and ppl say i'm bubbly. riiiight. maybe i'm just so used to masquerades. SMILE, dammit.... though i'd rather chop ur cock off...... u get the picture.

also probably explains why the idea of taking off alone to far-off places appeal to me so damn much. i actually like the feeling of solitude and being utterly alone in a city of 1 billion. sometimes. don't ask me why. i can't explain it. stillness and loneliness are my best friends. i've gotten so used to them. and i still think like a single girl. sighs. someone's not gonna be too happy about that. but i can't help how i feel at times.

but here's the quiz result. story would come later.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --