Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts

Friday, May 06, 2011

Turning 30

How does it feel to be 30?

I'm still trying to figure it out :)

After a day of rumination, I suppose the politically correct epiphany would be: Young enough to still have fun and remember, old enough to stop and know better.

The less politically correct, credited to Irene, would be: Young enough to still wanna shake your booty, old enough to know when it's time to sit down before you sprain something :P

My hope for this chapter/ decade would be that I learn how to age with grace... under pressure :)

It's been quite a day... My teammates surprised (or sabo-ed?) me with a little birthday cake and a (really loud) happy birthday song in a crowded restaurant, and sang an (even louder!!!) happy birthday song once more in a crowded lunchtime MRT (ZOMGWTFCRAZYFELLAZLAWLZ) before surprising me again with a 'meeting' that turned out to be the official birthday surprise :P Thank you, MxTx team :) It's been a wonderful 1 year with all of you, past and present :) Bumpy rollercoaster crazy ride it may have been, but I think we've all weathered and matured much :) I'm going to cry now :P

It is interesting to start a new decade of my life in another country, and under different circumstances. Granted, last year I was already here, but I hadn't had time to stop, think and reflect, having just moved here about a month prior.

The outpouring of well wishes, affection and love was a little surprising and overwhelming though :) Thank you all. I was, and still am, deeply touched. It's true that friendship has no geographical boundaries. I've been receiving birthday wishes as early as 4 May, and although my silly facebook wall allowed no posts initially, I've had some friends spend the time to PM me their wishes, write on my status or my uploaded pics, or send me a message via phone/ IM/ other means of communication instead. I love you all much :) It's been a great pleasure, and honour to have met each and every one of you, somewhere along my journey in life.

I will stop now before I get uncharacteristically disgustingly mushy :) I've a reputation to uphold, after all :P This note is a reflection of where I am in my life right now, how far I've come, how much further I have yet to go, and how each and everyone of you, my friends, have left an indelible mark in this soft, pink-cotton-candy-fuwa-fuwa heart of mine :P

Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your love. Thank you for being you. I shall now toast to the friendship we've had, and the many more years that will come :)

And now that I've written my uncharacteristically sentimental note, I shall retire to bed to preserve the youthfulness of my delicate skin ;) I have my occasional vain streak, as I do my occasional flashes of brilliance :P

Signing off,
Yours Truly :)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Borrowed reflections of a tired mind

It's been forever. I know. But I've barely had time to shop in this shopping haven for necessary goods, much less blog.

But things have been bittersweet. And perhaps, in life, I can't really ask for more than that.

It's Independence Day back home. Wonder if anyone there ever reflects on life's lessons, but anyhow, here's a good article written by a wise man. I couldn't have said it any better.


I've learned....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
It's what they do about it.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you'll see them.
I've learned that you can keep going,
long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves go farther in life.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line
between being nice and not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.
I've learned to love
and be loved.
I've learned...

~Omer Washington~

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Fear

It holds us back....

It kept me in KL, a place I've never really liked very much for almost 10 years.

It kept me from having real relationships with men, perhaps, always choosing the ones who could never really be truly intimate with me.

It kept me from breaking clean with someone I couldn't trust for 2 years.

Perhaps I was afraid of rejection. Perhaps I was afraid to be alone again.

But I'm not happy. I'm tired of the broken promises. Tired of not being able to fully trust someone. Tired of being just a little bit better than a best lady friend. What's so special about me, then... right?

I'm tired of being paranoid. Tired of being afraid.

Take a bow now. So the curtains have finally come down. Not for lack of trying. Perhaps it's just time to move on. Perhaps things aren't meant to be. Perhaps you and I, we're too different when it comes to our definition of fidelity vs. infidelity.

Thank you for 2 1/2 years. Not all of it were bad. We had some sweet moments... not enough, unfortunately, to make up for the sad ones.

But everyone needs a first love, and you were mine. Thank you for the memories.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Vicissitudes

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....

Friday, January 08, 2010

2010

So many things have happened recently....

And I have so many things on my mind...

But before all that, I figure I should write out what I plan to do this year first. Not exactly resolutions, just some goals:

1. To step out of my comfort zone.

I want to do things I never thought I would do, things I never thought I COULD do. Well, if given the opportunity, I'd like to try. It's time. How would I know what I can or cannot do if I do not try?

2. To live life.

To attempt work-life balance, to stop and smell the roses sometimes, to enjoy what I do, or to find something to enjoy. We have only one life to live, after all.

3. To write again.

I've been putting this off for years, it's time to pick this up again. Who knows where it will bring me?

4. To travel more.

I've always loved travel and culture. Now that AirAsia has zero fares, it should not be an excuse to not do the things I love. I recently got back from Manila and loved it. I should do this more often. Even if I do it alone.

5. To be happy with myself.

For so long, I let my insecurities get in my way. This year I want to learn to enjoy my own company, like I used to. To do things on my own a little bit more. I've started doing that again in 2009, and I hope in 2010 to continue.

6. To take more serious steps about my 5 year goal.

To save more money, to look to the future, to plan for a house, to plan for a career. I'm not getting any younger. It's time.

7. To pick up a hobby.

Gardening, dancing. Something. I haven't figured that out yet, it wouldn't be easy. But it's a goal, nonetheless.

8. To be a better person.

Simple. Just to be better than 2009. Humbler, kinder, more loving, more compassionate.

I think these are good goals to work towards... now I hope I can keep this up, not just for this year, but for years to come. :)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Peace

Wednesday, 23 September 2009. 2059 hours.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. And the reason will reveal itself in due time. Also that things will fall in place when you're ready for it.

Today I ran into someone I haven't 'ran into' for more than 3 years. Yet I was in love with him for 6 years. Funny. We used to 'run into' each other often enough.

I find that it is indeed a blessing to be able to stand tall, look him in the eyes, greet him by name and say 'Hi'. And to find that you don't blubber, or stutter, or blush, or gasp, or feel little butterflies. But that you're calm and at peace with yourself. When asked 'How are you?', you can actually smile and say 'I'm good, thanks.' and mean it, and be able to walk away without looking back. Because you are.

You're comfortable with who you are, where you are and where you're going, and happy with your life in general.

And all you feel when you look at your recently married former heartbreak is a mere slight twinge of nostalgia for the days when you could share a meal and laugh at inane things that strike your fancies, knowing that those days are no more, and not regretting it.

Knowing also that you've known for a pretty long while that he wasn't meant for you, and being alright with that knowledge.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Jaded

I have a grandfather that had two wives.

An uncle that has at least 4 wives. And he's estranged from at least one of them.

Another uncle that was one of my hometown's first top chartered accountants, and lost everything, including possibly, some of his sanity when his wife, who wasn't very beautiful, and definitely not very educated, upped and left him for another man, taking their children with her. And all his money and assets. He lost everything that day.

I have another uncle who did not really have a love marriage. But who was with my auntie for many years, bringing up 5 children together. In recent years, he hooked up with several Indon girls.

A sister-in-law that is a child of divorced parents. Her father went off with another woman. Her sister is divorced due to an accident the hospital could be sued for.

Sometimes I have nothing to say.

I watch all these around me and can't help feeling disappointed and depressed.

I can't help but lose more and more of that blanket of innocence surrounding me, that fresh romanticism of youth. And watch romance with jaded eyes.

I can't help but feel, sometimes, that I never want to be married.

That I never want to be in any of these situations.

Love marriage. Arranged marriage.

You'd think, at how I've witnessed these situations all my life, at how bitter and angry and spiteful adults can be to one another, that they've never once shared a single intimate moment together. That they've never shared affection with each other. That they've never known companionship, or at least a certain companionable silence. You'd think they were born to hate each other with a loathing so complete, it's all-consuming.

I don't know if I've ever known what true love means. How is it like? Would I know it when I see it? Or am I blinded by other passions? Some people never know it. Some lose it before they realise it was there.

What I do know is this:

Falling in love with someone is a feeling.
Loving someone is a choice.
Staying in love with someone is an effort.

Love. And sex. They're both choices.

We choose to work on what we have.
We choose to stay committed.
We choose to refrain ourselves from being in situations of temptation. Or walking away when we are.
We choose who we stay in love with.

Because nothing lasts forever. Not without effort. Not without choice.

Like sex. There's no such thing as drunken sex. Even when I got so drunk I couldn't remember my evening the next morning, I was told that rather than going home with someone I was dancing with and who was obviously hitting on me, I chose to go to the toilet and call my friends.

After all, one can choose to NOT get so drunk in the first place.

A lot of things are excuses we make up to cover for our shortcomings. Our flaws. Because we know that if we take a clear looking glass that can look into our souls, we'd cringe at the ugliness we see and find in ourselves. The glass is always tinted...

I don't love her anymore.
She is a jealous and obsessive cunt.
She nags too damn much.
She's so freakin' clingy.
She can't bear me sons.
He hardly has time for me.
He works too hard.
The other man sees me while he doesn't look at me anymore.

Excuses. Valid, perhaps. But does s/he know? Was effort made to rekindle the relationship before moving on to infidelity?

If one is in a committed relationship, infidelity is no excuse. The choice was made. You chose who you wanted to be with. Why cheat? Why not just break up so the other party has a chance to find someone who truly loves him or her? At least, someone who treats him/ her better than you do? Better than you'll ever know how to? Or better than you'll ever WANT to?

Infidelity. It's selfishness and irresponsibility to the core.

I can't stomach it. If you chose me to be Queen to your King... then treat me like one. I don't care if you've treated all your previous women like manure strewn all over your garden or flushed down your septic tank. But if you want me in your life, treat me like the Gold heirloom that was preciously passed from generation to generation. Treat me like a respected Partner. Your Equal. Your other Half.

Else why should I stay? I've seen too much. Heard too much. Watched too much.

There's too much heartbreak in this world. And I'd really rather not bring children into a relationship that's fractured. A child born into a family deserves the love of both parents. Not parents at each other's necks. Not one parent who's in love with another woman but stays with one, just because. Children should be spared that kind of heartbreak whenever possible. A child might as well be born to a single loving parent if that were the case.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm disappointed with the world.

I don't know what I'd do if put in such a situation. I think, rather than fight for someone who plays games with me and cannot commit wholeheartedly to me, the way I would to him, I think I'd rather turn my heart to ice where he's concerned. Pack up my bags and leave, never to return for the next 20 years or so. If he doesn't love me the way ANY woman should be loved, then it's pointless to stay. Whether or not children are in the picture. I'd rather children witness a quiet divorce than watch their two parents growing to hate each other more and more as each day goes by. Or worse, be indifferent to each other.

I don't know. I had 250 people ask me within the space of half an hour, when is my turn to be married. I wish I could tell them sometimes I really don't feel like I should.

I can see myself more a mother than a wife. A child needs me. A child wants me. A child loves me. A child would never have another mother. Not one that brought him/ her up anyway. A child's love would be unconditional. A child would love me as much as I love him/ her. Return my wholehearted affection with his/ her own.

A child would never love in halves.

Perhaps that's what true love is. Loving in whole.

Does he love me in whole? I hope so. What does the future hold though? Thing is, we don't know.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Burnt

woke up today feeling horrible.

been having a series of very disturbing dreams.

went out with a friend for lunch today.

so many of my friends are seriously settling down: buying a house together, planning marriage and children.

the subject of further education came up: am i able to juggle a job and study part-time? perhaps it'd be good. to get my mind off other things.

many have been telling me lately: just move along with your life and do the things u've been meaning to do. leave the country. someone somewhere needs you. something someone someplace would appreciate you, and your talents, and your contributions. good, sound advice, that. yet i keep stalling. perhaps i'm afraid of leaving my comfort zone, too.

as one gets older, and circumtances change, so do one's priorities in life.

and if one waits too long, the opportunity that came along would go, and that door closes on u forever. unless u're lucky. which... i don't think i have much of lately.

i was asked why i looked so lousy. and so out it came. some parts. how business and pleasure just doesn't seem to be giving me a break, lately.

how the pressure's been mounting and i'm cracking from the inside out.

i was asked if i can trust again. and i have no answer.

is it my vibes? that each time a fish gets hauled up, the fishes are always bruised, and the net always ends up almost always irrevocably damaged?

and so the net gets more and more damaged with each new haul.

like me. the trust gets chipped off more and more with each one that passes through.

can i trust again? i don't know. it'd certainly take a lot of effort on both parties. and a lot of patience. and a lot of outward expressions of real, undiluted affection, sharing and caring. 

and not breaking each other's trust for a long, long time. and saying what we mean, as well as meaning what we say. always keeping our word to each other. and yes, a lot of sacrifices on his part as well.

he's been at a place of comfort for so long. i don't know if he can do all that. and i certainly do not wish to strong-arm him into doing what he doesn't want to do. 

and i can understand why he doesn't want to get out of the life he's built around himself. it's frightening to go out there, put urself out there and try again. it can also be discouraging and painful. it takes a lot of courage, a lot of effort, and a lot of tears. i really can't blame him, even if at one point i did.

i suppose that's why i've stopped asking.

i just do what i have to do for myself now. to learn to be just that little bit stronger.

a few nights ago, a friend of his asked me if i could take it, his condition. i can sense the innuendo: if i could live with the knowledge that if we really did get together, i may end up widowed early. we may never have our own children. all the many complications that are certain to turn up.

i have thought of all that. i suppose the only thing i'm asking for is that he seeks real help and do what he has to do to ensure his condition improves: overhaul his entire life. 

at least then, we may have some hope.

yet that's what he may not be willing to do. that may be asking a little too much. i mentioned it once, but he was quiet. so i don't ask anymore.

i did bring up my concerns. i did say i can't imagine being with someone who can't be around very much. and he said he understood.

so many questions... so little answers. things have changed... yet they're all still the same.

i guess i'm different now. i know now that i can't save the world. i can try saving it one soul at a time, but i can't force myself on someone. i can't make the decision for him/ her. 

that realisation frightened me. it means not being in control. it means letting go. it means, to a certain extent, caring a little less. because caring too much for someone also means that someone can hurt u deeply.

such is life.

i'm burnt. and burnt out. and i think, for awhile, at least, i just want to climb up on my rock and be alone.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Doubt as an Element of Faith

I remember talking to a friend in California who had lost touch with his faith in 2007. I remember him telling me about how he doesn't believe in his religion anymore. Although, when he was a lot younger, he used to be almost fanatical about Catholicism. 

I remember, how, as a child, I attended church camps, and one of the visiting priests had, during one Q&A session about our faith, discuss the mysteries of the church, and encouraged us to keep questioning ourselves, because that is the only way to lead us to the truth. It keeps us from getting complacent about our faith. And to avoid taking it for granted.

I remember how, at 16, my father insisted I tutored under a good old La Sallian brother, and how he had encouraged my writing, and allowed me to borrow from his personal library for free, with only one condition, to return them once I was done. And how, he too, indirectly, had encouraged me to learn by questioning.

WHY. Out of the 4W1H, it is the most important question. What Where When Why How. Why is always the most difficult to answer. Yet the most important. Because as what I had learnt from Psychology and Sociology in university, what motivates people is always the most elusive, and the most difficult to understand.

It requires you to get into the person's head, and into the person's shoes, and attempt walking a thousand steps in his shoes to attempt to glean even the most little understanding of what motivates him. And that is usually the most incomprehensible of all. People, in general, hate someone else questioning their motives. Common questions would be:

1. Don't you trust me?
2. Why must you know?
3. Isn't faith enough?
4. Why do you doubt me so?
5. Have a little faith in me, will you?

What most people fail to understand is that trying to find out the motivations of another person is always more painful than accepting the person at face value. It takes more effort. More tears. Because it means delving deeper than what is at the surface, than what is comfortable. What is readily shown to the rest of the world. People generally shy away from what appear to be painful or difficult, and uncomfortable, especially in today's era of self-gratification. No one wants to look like the bad guy.

It is always easier to accept when a person says: I'm like this. I'm just always bad-tempered. 

It's easier to accept that response and just stay at arm's length.

It's harder to ask: 'Why is he bad-tempered?' And to attempt finding out why and risking losing the person's friendship/ risking being yelled at/ etc.

Only if one perseveres, does a person find out that: Oh, he has an illness. He is constantly haemorrhaging. It leaves him tired and ill-tempered all the time. He needs help. He needs understanding.

It just goes to show how the extra effort that was being made can help spur understanding and forge a deeper relationship. How a little doubt can become an element of a deeper faith. The faith being the general goodness of people. That normally people do have a good reason when they're upset.

And yes, the above was a true example.

Like religion, accepting the general misconception that Catholics worship the Mother Mary, could have stopped me from finding out and having a deeper faith. And that doubt in said worship spurred me on to discover that it was not a worship, but a respect for her that started the Hail Marys. That the prayer was not one of worship, but of intercession. It meant: Intercede for me in my prayer to your Son. Help me bring my message to your Son, and to His Holy Father.

I don't claim to know everything about my religion. I'm just a baby in that aspect. But learning through questioning my faith, is a good start to keep me from being lazy.

Like every other aspects of my life, the question WHY has spurred me to greater heights than every other question. Where, When, What, How is easily deduced from most scenarios. But the question WHY is what has spearheaded all the greatest inventions and discoveries of our time.

The greatest example perhaps being: Why does the apple fall straight to the ground from the tree? The discovery of Gravity by Sir Isaac Newton. Which spearheaded many many other great scientific discoveries of the 20th and 21st century. Including space exploration.

The question WHY is what opens up our minds to the bigger possibilities out there. Keeps us from being a lazy bum and generally accepting our lot in life. It spurred the Enlightenment and the Renaissance movement. It started many a Revolution all around the world. It got us out of the Dark Ages.

WHY. I was raised to question. I was trained to ask the question. As a child born to science teachers. As a trained microbiologist and partially trained sonographer. WHY was the most important question.

The cells are not growing. WHY.

The child in the womb has a collapsed lung. WHY.

The question WHY can save relationships and, on an even more important scale, save lives. It's a question I cannot ignore, even if someone close to me dislikes the question the most.

WHY should not be a question that is feared. But one that is respected and cherished as a means to enhance our relationships and our lives. Whether that be our relationship with our parents, our siblings, our friends, our loved ones, our colleagues, nature, or even God. 

It enriches us. Challenges us to be better people. Humbles us as we question OUR OWN motivations. Spurs us to greater heights. Holds us to the ground as much as it exalts us to the sky. Keeps us open to other possibilities. Retains our enthusiasm for the people around us and for life itself.

As President Barack Obama puts it in his speech at Notre Dame: But remember too that the ultimate irony of faith is that it necessarily admits doubt. This doubt should not push us away from our faith. But it should humble us. It should temper our passions, and cause us to be wary of self-righteousness. It should compel us to remain open, and curious, and eager.

His speech was widely touted as one that redefined faith. Yet he wasn't the first man that had tried to tell the world this small kernel of wisdom. The priest at that church camp almost 15 years ago had said the same in less rhetoric terms. So did the good old La Sallian brother. So did Martin Luther, which sparked the revolution in the Catholic church, and sparked the Lutheran/ Presbysterian faith. It's one that wise men over the ages had tried to instill in a stubborn humanity.

But perhaps the radical young President's were the most rhetoric (as he is famous for), the most radical (for a country as secretly conservative, traditionalist, egotistical, selfish and narrow-minded as the United States of America) and the most unexpected. It was also perhaps, the most widely aired, and the most far-reaching, as most of the world is still running on the fever that is Obamamania. That may not be a bad thing. The young President may be shrewd and wise enough to utilise his high publicity to try and give the world a new perspective on the relationship between doubt and faith. And the great importance of the word WHY.

It may be what the US of A, and the rest of the world needs after all. Redefining Faith. Understanding the importance of the word WHY. Perhaps we would all start asking ourselves the most important question of all.

1. Why am I afraid?
2. Why am I behaving this way?
3. Why do I feel this way?
4. Why am I at this job?
5. Why am I with this person?
6. Why am I in this country?
7. Why am I limitting myself?
8. Why are we waging a war on terror?
9. Why do we call this the World Cup when it's only USA?
10. Why are we still polluting the earth?

and so it goes.

Doubt as an element of faith.... WHY do you think I am always questioning myself? And you?

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

The Dragonflies are here again....

For some reason, I found myself almost back to where I was 2 years ago...

I'm working till 9-10pm again.

I found the old playlist I used to listen to in IA.

I'm alone again.

It's as though things came full circle.

Except I'm in a new company. And I've had my heart given a little bit of hope, then thrown into a liquid nitrogen-filled grinder, made more brittle than ice, and then crushed to powder.

And I'm even writing on little pieces of paper again. Lest I forget who I am, what I thought, and what I wanted to say.

Even the dragonflies are showing themselves to me again.

And what I'm feeling is bittersweet...

He was almost always too busy for me... it felt even more so when I was feeling really down, and/ or stressed and/ or sick. It came to a point where sometimes I wouldn't even tell him, cos it wasn't going to make any difference anyhow.

And despite all his many proclamations of devotion and romanticism, I've been left bare... and cold...

Too many empty promises... and too many impatient cries of, 'have some patience'.

Too much heartbreak all over the place, while I'm left empty and cold and fragile inside.

Too much frustration and despair, after every major fight, or cold war, while he scrolls his mental Rodolex on to 'Next'. Yes, I could do the same, but I didn't want to.

Too much crying myself to sleep, while he turns to and..... chats with the elaines and the maries and the next cutesy almond-eyed chinadoll thingamabobs with the what are you doings and/ or the what are you wearings and/ or the where are you nows and the you're looking goods.... while i'm huddled alone in my sleep, getting colder and emptier on the inside....

Listening to my friend talk about her relationship and her marriage made me sad...

Reflecting on what I had been, made me sadder still... am I to only be the emotional crutch while he brings his dreams and hopes and smiles and laughter and warmth elsewhere?

And when they're done, I'm always there. 

And he talks to them who's never known me, who's never really known our story, who never bore witness to the sudden beginning and to the painful end, and all they think I am is the girl who's... ALWAYS THERE.

I've always been there. Through the sadness, through the frustration, through the despair, through the depression, through the bad dreams, through the illnesses.

I've always been there. Battered, bruised, cut wide open. Pulverised.

I built myself up. So I could always be there.

I've always been there.

Yes, in his own way he loves me. But perhaps, we have such irreconcilable differences when it comes to our ideas of love and relationships.

Things may have come full circle. But nothing will ever be the same again. Not after all of these.


The dragonflies... they show themselves to me again. Perhaps it's an omen.

Perhaps there's hope and redemption for me in a fresh new start away from here.

Monday, April 06, 2009

In Emily

We were talking, a few friends and I.

And somehow, the discussion led to love and marriage and sex.

Then one of them gave me thought...

For those who've never truly been in love, perhaps it's hard to fathom, much less to swallow.

Why would anyone, if there were major grouses, want to get married to their partner?

If he brags he's all romantic, but he's never done anything truly worthwhile that points to that direction at all, after many moons of being together?

If he's thoughtless and always forgetful, why bother?

If sex with him is not that great after all, then why?

Are there ever any real answers to love and relationships?

At least she knows he's too goody-two-shoes he wouldn't look at another. And I was quiet. I have no response about that.

I wonder why we go on when things seem so futile, so fruitless. When many times, the frustration and despair seem to completely overwhelm. When we wish we could harden our hearts and just walk away without looking back.

So why do we trudge along when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Are we to bump blindly in the dark for eternity?

She said so herself, it didn't get better after marriage. 

I look at her, and I wonder what strength she has to have married him. To still want to try. 

Do I have that?

Sunday, April 05, 2009

The Words in My Head

She speaks as though she spoke the words in my own head.

I suppose it takes a certain amount of a certain type of experience to be able to know how it truly feels like....Thank you, stranger.

I Hear You..

I learned early this morning that,
When what you really want is clear and apparent to you,
You will go out to achieve it, inevitably - especially,
When success is almost there; but not quite,
The hunger of want drives you into action.

I also learned that happiness is my own responsibility,
Pushed independence and lack of empathy only pushes me away,
Neither here or there,
Like words unsaid is not necessarily buried or explained,
Evolving into strange thoughts in my head.

Pain only hardens my heart,
Silence doesn't mean it's solved,
Loneliness and all things bittersweet make me my own,
When waiting is the hardest thing,
Isolation where there should be oneness.

I also learned that familiarity makes one feel more at home,
Though experience should never be compared,
Cause matters of the heart is always complicated:
It takes years to build a strong foundation,
One word to bring it all crashing down.

External wounds close up, sometimes leaving a scar,
Internal wounds cuts deep, leaving a hole,
Only time can tell, only time can heal,
Give, give, give until you are the desert,
Give because the taking doesn't seem to stop.

But when you give freely, you shouldn't expect,
Even when you shouldn't, it is only human,
If not an ear, a grace giving heart?
Wisdom to understand? To be on common ground at least?
Compromise maybe?

To love or not to love,
To guard protectively or let go,
To be silly and young, because it keeps you alive,
Bite your tongue to save a few,
Spew justifications to etch your own.

I wish to listen without emotion,
Cause only then I really hear you,
Without condemnation, hurling of hurts,
Without solutions, just being there, just sharing the intimacy,
A place to vent, cry, lean on, be comforted and be filled with hope....

If I can't.... God can.

Blog Trawling... and the Male vs. Female perspective

I haven't been out trawling blogs for a long while... and this morning, while waiting, I went to visit a friend's blog...

If you're one of those idiots who ask me things like: What makes women think that men want to be anything else other than what they are? Well, this particular blog, and my response should be enough: What makes men think they can have everything without a little sacrifice? Women do not ask you to be completely different, but to make steps to be a BETTER person.

Here is her blog, from a married perspective...

I suppose she was writing about her disappointment (and mind you, she was a newly minted newly-wed) of how things do not necessarily change (despite many promises) for the better after marriage. People make their own choices whether or not to change. Other people may nag, but ultimately.... if a person wants to be a stubborn mule, they would remain one. 

People can promise the moon and stars, but action speaks louder than words.

Do take note, italics and bold and different colour/ font sizes were her own emphasis, not mine.

Why I'm not releasing her name, or her link, is because she chose to remain anonymous, writing with a moniker, and I'm not having the same morons who come to MY site to bitch about ME, go over to hers and throw the same kind of tantrum.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

V-Day

Nothing. (Ok, sorry.. I was offered dinner. But going out for dinner right after work, feeling danky in my sweat and in my drabby casual wear? I don't think so .. I wanted to go home first. Then there was complaint on how bad the jam would be. Major turn off. Actually.. you want or don't want to take me out for a nice dinner? If jam also, you can spend time talking to me on the way there and have quality conversation. If really sincerelah, can you do it properly? Instead of .. aiyah .. chin chai lar. Don't you know women like to be romanced? And romancing takes effort and sometimes sacrifice?)

Birthday also nothing. Even my siblings got me chocolates, a card and a really cool looking pen. Even my boss, bought all of us a simple Valentine's Day Lunch.

A friend was saying, "Aiyah all guys are like that wan lah. Married dy can't be bothered ma. More chin chai already"

From this post, I may sound like an insistent, nagging, materialistic woman with expectations sky high. But little do people understand the actual fact. His friend actually said to me the other day: "Aquarians are usually misunderstood." Nobody really bothers to think things differently: it's always easier to blame or think negatively. I'm going to give benefit of a doubt and publish this post tomorrow just to prove a point. I know some will say, you never gave a chance for the person to redeem himself. Like perhaps I'm just quick to blame coz who knows ma, he could have had something planned. Or by me posting this early you're saying he's got no chance to prove me wrong. So ok .. note the publishing time... it is now 10.13AM, 14th February 2008 - Valentine's day. I'm just posting this tomorrow to give benefit of a doubt.

Why do I bitch? Because you bragged. Had you had not bragged about how good and romantic you are, I would not have remembered you ever set the bar that high for yourself, then... I also won't expect as much. Don't tell me you are, then not do it; coz then I'd say you're all talk and no action. Everyone CAN, if they really want to and make the effort to.

To me it's not always the price of it monetarily(like getting me something really expensive), but more the giving of one's self - a small sacrifice. Take for instance a friend is real broke, but still manage to spend RM2.30 on a birthday card. It's the action that counts because as blur as I may be at times, I do see and note your efforts. In fact, it would mean so much more to me, knowing that despite being really broke, you were still willing to spend some on a sweet little card. THAT action is precious to me and makes me see how precious I am to you. I'm also pro something nice and creative(like even if you made your own card), coz then it would mean you took time to plan it properly.

It's a bit like Christian tithing; though some may struggle giving away a fraction of their "security", imagine how honored God must feel that you actually sacrificed and practice faith that He will provide ALL of your NEEDS.

The jizz here for being the romantic person you say you are, is not so much the amount, to me anyways. I'm sure a lot of women would disagree; gushing that anything expensive is a sure thing to their hearts. I'm not saying it doesn't, generally, but it is not a must and not a marker for me to sum up how much a person loves.

It's the fact that you willingly gave what little that you have. THAT to me, is a precious action in itself.

I know you'd argue that the way everyone show love is subjective. But think again, if you're trying to impress the one you love, you WILL have to do it HER way. Not your way. OR better yet, if your way doesn't seem to cut it. Why do you keep at it? Why not change methods and be open about other ways. Coz when you do that, then you make clear effort to get to know her: what she likes and enjoys, her character and mannerisms. Nothing impress a women more than being noticed and being understood.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Unconditional

Confusion

some people do not believe in second chances... for them, it's too little too late.

while others do. others think that people would need their space to grow and to learn. and it's good sometimes to have a breather.

for me, i don't know... i do believe that in everything in life, a person should not be judged by the mistakes that they made, but by their capacity to learn (i.e., to not repeat their mistakes)

people are human after all, and we fell many many times before we finally learnt how to walk.

i also do think that if both parties' values and principles are aligned, both are willing to compromise, second chances are possible... 

and yet, i don't know... i'm confused...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

misanthrope?

i was talking to a friend. one of my best buddies. probably the sister i never had.

and i just realised i had income tax forms to fill... so i called dad for awhile. i know very little about income taxes.

mom picked up the phone. dad was driving. he was taking her out for dinner and a 'walk-around' cos she's stressed. she's gonna have an exam on thursday, or something :P

i told C that. and we both commented how adorable my parents were... SO KIIIUUUUTTTTT!!! yeah...

and she said:

awwww so cuteeeeeeeee
:P
i like cute parents
u know what?
8:04pm

me:
yeah me too 
what what?
8:04pm

C:
i tink our parents generation is the last to be togehter gehter till the end
u know?
the new parents now... omfg they scare me
triple divorces
kids everywhere

and she's right...

i replied:

yeah i know what u mean abt divorces
so sad
n that's what 
i'm afraid of
ppl nowadays
too many choices
too much temptation
n yet not trained to have any willpower
it's the age of self-gratification 
make that INSTANT self-gratification :(

isn't it?

so many choices, but less trained to willpower.

so much technological telecommunications, iPhone, computers, high-speed broadband... yet so little communication.

it's disappointing, really.

and it makes me cry.

and it makes me so afraid of committing to a relationship.

our generation- always looking for easy answers to everything. too afraid to work hard for something worthwhile. taking things for granted...

i see so many people getting married, those around my age: and within 5 years, the veneer of a perfect marriage comes crashing down, and what's left for all the world to see is an acrimonious, ugly divorce. mud-slinging everywhere. where was the love that brought them together in the first place?

the anger, the misunderstanding, the lies, the bitterness: not to sound cliche, but where is the love?

what happened to forever? what happened to the security and solidity of marriage? what happened to wedding vows? to honour, love and respect?

Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies. ~Mother Teresa~ 

yet this is SUCH an achievement nowadays. to love without getting tired.

to be 55 and still going on dates. to be 70 and still holding hands...

loving without getting tired. it's so rare nowadays.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Loving without getting tired

Mother Teresa once said: Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

It sounds so simple, really. The concept is so simple. And yet so outstanding in it's simplicity and wisdom. How true, it is. How many of us have been fed on a constant diet of grandiose ideas of love, that we live our youth yearning for that perfect proposal and wedding. Our entire life, we dream about that perfect event, we forget that the wedding is the BEGINNING of the rest of our lives. We think it's the be all and end all. That love has to be made of grand gestures to be extraordinary. That we need that butterfly in our tummies to think we're in love.

I humbly disagree. I think it shouldn't be butterflies we're feeling, but that solid certainty that the someone is the person we wish to spend the rest of our lives with. That what we should be feeling is stability and solidity and security. That we can live and love that someone without getting tired. 

Yet it's so much easier said than done. Not getting tired of someone. Especially when so many things get in the way. When in this modern world, temptations abound. It's strange isn't it, the paradox of our age?

And this paradox of our generation makes me cry, because I've been guilty of so many of these. Tall building, but short temper. More conveniences, but less time. More computers for easier and faster production, but less communication.

I've been guilty of the sins of my generation, and that makes me sad.

Here's another quote. This is by Dr. Bob Moorehead:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; 
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. 
We spend more, but have less; 
we buy more, but enjoy less. 

We have bigger houses and smaller families; 
more conveniences, but less time. 
We have more degrees but less sense; 
more knowledge, but less judgment; 
more experts, yet more problems; 
more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, 
smoke too much, 
spend too recklessly, 
laugh too little, 
drive too fast, 
get too angry, 
stay up too late, 
get up too tired, 
read too little, 
watch TV too much, 
and pray too seldom. 

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. 

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. 

We've added years to life not life to years. 

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. 

We conquered outer space but not inner space. 

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. 

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. 

We write more, but learn less. 

We plan more, but accomplish less. 

We've learned to rush, but not to wait. 

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.


These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; 
big men and small character; 
steep profits and shallow relationships. 

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce; 
fancier houses but broken homes. 

These are days of quick trips, 
disposable diapers, 
throw-away morality, 
one night stands, 
overweight bodies, 

and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. 

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. 

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember to say "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. 

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Is it any wonder?

I have just returned from a dinner date with a collegemate I have not seen since 2001.

When we shared a dorm we were pretty tight until I moved out and we lost touch because I lost my phone.

So here I was having dinner and catching up with her and her roommate, L.

L had her concerns about how C was unreachable for almost two years, and asked her why.

Apparently she had fallen into depression. She had been dating a guy for about 2 years and they had almost gotten married. Bought a house together jointly. She was basically looking after all his affairs, paid for everything, even his phone bills. Even looked after his family.

Then he had an affair. Told different stories to different people. A cunning linguist, that one. Gave the other lady STDs. He had it from a previous girlfriend. Apparently he only confessed long after the relationship was over.

It was all very nasty and horrible. Even until now, after all her money was spent on lawyer's fees, it's still hard for her to regain all her losses on this wretch.

It's sad. Really. The mistakes smart women make over love. We've all been there, some stories worse than others.

I remember how mom and girlfriends always said it was better to marry someone who wasn't suave and sweet-talking. It's always better to marry someone who was a bad liar. Who was direct. Who didn't know how to pretend.

And how a girl always had more to lose. It's always important to protect one's assets. It's not unromantic. It's just.... self-preservation. Romance, sad to say, would have to take a backseat to practicality.

Perhaps this is why some women would rather marry into money.

Me, I figure considering the horror stories and the statistics, how sometimes, it's best to not marry at all. Being single has a ready escape clause. It's always easier to cut one's losses and run without a signed contract in between. Already, like C, she's already having so much trouble (even being single) to cut all ties because it's a case of 'Love and Affection'. What more if she had actually married this man?

Is it any wonder that so many of my year-mates who are good, smart, loving women capable of their own steady income and not intending to marry for money are single and have little intention to settle down, some being downright commitaphobics? We see and hear these cases with our own eyes and ears, many of them our own friends. And we help them pick up the pieces of their lives ruined by the wrong choice of men. We're there as a shoulder to cry on, we're there to offer support, we're there for opinion. We're there when everything crashes and burns.

Is it any wonder then, that we look at the crop of men around and wonder when they will grow up and take responsibility for their own lives, and the decisions that they make?

Is it any wonder then, that we figure if they're not ready to let go of their mothers' apron strings, that the rightful place for them is with their mothers?

Is it any wonder that most of us end up just pursuing our own careers and our own lives, and putting these first because it's a safety net that we know is more reliable? After all, we built them with our own hands. We got here with great effort, many mistakes, and great perseverence. We fought so hard to get to where we are, and are still fighting so hard to stay. And strangely, most of us are where we want to be. At 27/ 28. Finally. Career-wise, most of us are fairly satisfied with our day jobs.

But we're commitaphobes. I can count on one hand the batch-mates that married for love. 

Old maids, all of us. Maybe. Or perhaps, we'd just rather be alone than be unhappy.

Unless the men are worth our while... why bother wasting our fabulous selves on people who'd just make us miserable?

Being Human

If we knew when we were going to die, we'd do everything right the first time around. Because we knew we wouldn't have the chance to relive the moment again.

But being human, and being ignorant, we think there's always going to be a tomorrow. And another tomorrow. And yet another tomorrow.

And so it piles up. What we should do. What we want to do. The important things. The not-so-important things that become important things as the days and months and years fly by.

Until we realise one day, oh shit... where did the years go? What happened to the things I wanted to do, the things I should do, the people that had mattered to me?

So many hurts lie along the avenue of life. So many disappointments.

We live like we've got forever, but in truth, life is short. And precious. Why wait for tomorrow to say: I love you? Why let the fears hold us back from what we want to do? What we should do? Why let our pain keep us from trying new things? Keep us fenced in?

Why put off till tomorrow (and forever) what we can do today?

If we knew that we had just another 24 hours to live... will material possessions matter so much anymore? Will we want to spend at least 8 hours of it slaving at a job? Or will we start calling up everyone we care for to tell them we remember them, we cherish them in our hearts, we want them to know how much they mean to us, how we think of them when we're about to die. 

We go back to the arms of the people we love most. Because surely, on our deathbed, the last thing we would want to remember seeing are the faces of the people who mean the most to us. It would be a very sad thing, I think, to end up dying alone.

After all, in truth, when we leave this plane of existence, who cares that we leave behind a monument if there's no one to tell of it in the first place? What matters most, as a legacy, would be the memories we leave behind in the minds of the people who think of us.

The lives we touch. The people we leave behind. How they remember us. These would be our legacy.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

epic fail

the sleepless nights. waking up during the witching hours. i hope they'd end.

last night was probably our last big fight. i can't do the friend thing. not now anyway. each time the wounds would re-open all over again. stuck in relationship limbo... what's the point? can't talk like friends do, can't talk like lovers do. neither here, nor there.

he hasn't learnt. going back to his old blogs when he wrote about how the girl he was going out with then got upset because he ignored her as he was trying to close shop at 3am and she pulled a big drama on him. women... they just wanna know u take notice. that even if u put them off, u don't put them off for too long. and u'd remember and care enough to return as soon as you can. simple. it's not that hard to say: work. tty when done. and u do. call when u're done at work, that is. not after u finish work, go yumcha with friends for 2 hours. and by the time u get home all u wanna do is pass out. was it any wonder she was pissed then? and i was pissed when we were together? that blog was what, 2003, 2004? 4 years later, it's the same thing. except it's now me. and i do it mostly during normal people's hours, meaning wake up around 8am, sleep around 11-12pm.

my mistake from the start, was giving him too much leeway. compromising too much. 

oh, you can't make it down? :(:(:(:(:( why? work? :(:(:(:(:( ok lah :( i come up lor....

why can't you make it down this month? :( no money? :( sighs.... ok lah :( i come up lor.....

and so i do, i fed myself to a relationship that had an imbalance of power from the start. i gave too much, demanded too little. in any close relationship there has to be give and take. he took too much, gave too little in return. time, bridging the distance- affection, attention, appreciation. very little were given.

first i argued about it... then he says i don't understand. so i tried. and i took it lying down. now he says where did the girl he fell in love with went? the one who wouldn't take anything lying down?

i wonder now, though... if he could have given that girl who wouldn't take anything lying down what she wanted to be happy. she would have:

1. insisted he came down at least once a month like he promised to at the start of the relationship. made time for it. not just come down and spent time (inclusive of sleeping) for 7-8 hours and head back up. that's a rubbish trip. insisted that he take leave if he had to to spend time with his then very new gf. because if he can't spend the necessary amount of time with a girlfriend, he has no right to have one in the first place.

2. whether or not money was tight, the relationship should have been priority. and the necessary trips to be made to bridge the gap would be priority. if he knows that money would be tight for a certain month, he should save up on it, scrimp from other places like he would if he really really really wanted that souped-up gaming mouse. spent less on movies, yumchas, drinking, other activities. instead of just saying: money's a bit tight for me this month. i can't come down. maybe u can come up instead? well, i was a fool. i came up. that spitfire i was would have said: NO. if we mean anything to you, you save up and come down. after all, he could say it to me, so why can't i? if you can dish it out, make sure you can take it in. 

3. she would've given him 3 chances to decide on how to work out the relationship and stick to it, instead of the: i don't knows and the i'm not sures and the maybes and the let's just trys and the give it some times. she would've given him 3 chances and once those were up and nothing much has changed, she would've tossed him out the door. but i was foolish. and love made me blind. and so i stayed. again and again and again. AND again. until i'm a complete wreck and i've almost forgotten who i was. till he was caught red-handed and reality slapped me in the face.

sacrifices cannot just be a one-way street.

i should not have. 'cos this boy... he can dish it out, but he can't take it in. his ego wouldn't let him. there's just 'me' in his universe. there's only 'we' when it's convenient for him, suited him.

he says i was the one who called it off. how not to? when it's not working? when i'm a reservoir that he has drained dry to nourish himself but put little water back in? with each usage, more was taken out, less was being put back in. just because one person was the one to call it off, doesn't mean that the person hurts any less. perhaps the person hurts even more. i called it off as a means of self-preservation. to protect myself. so that he could stop hurting me. so that i'd stop crying every damn night over his broken promises, his half-truths, his lack of conviction, his need for constant understanding, support and affection, but little understanding, support and affection in return, his need for instant gratification. i called if off, yes. was i supposed to bleed myself to emotional death before he was happy?

he says i set a time-limit for him. i waited a year for him to fix himself, to regain the confidence and conviction i had glimpsed when we first met. yet he can't seem to find his footing. yet he dallied. was i supposed to wait for him forever and put myself on the backburner while he did the Melbourne shuffle? he wanted me to move north to where he was. how was i supposed to without a suitable job? while he was at the job that took him away from me 95% of the time? was i supposed to make the biggest sacrifice ever for a relationship that was shaky by month 3? was i supposed to sacrifice everything before he was willing to make any major ones for me? that was unfair. and he knows it too. he just wouldn't admit it. yes, i set him a time-limit. because i will be 28. he will be 34. we don't have forever to waste. and if he doesn't feel any urgency whatsoever, he'd be shuffling along as he had for the past 9 years. if he wishes to do that, it's his choice. but i can make other choices.

so yes, he can be angry that at least i held my ground where it mattered most to me. he can think i'm an ultra-dramatic psycho bitch. possessive, jealous, demanding. he can call me all the names he want when he's angry just as he has been doing all this while. so be it. he tells me to go fuck myself. unfortunately for him and for me, i've been doing that all this while. because he has hardly been around. would it make a difference? yes, of course, some. but still...

it wasn't the first time he's said that to a girl: go fuck yourself. words of war he can't retract. i'm only wondering why, more often than not, he only realises he needs to fix himself once everything has turned to ash. once the whole town is razed to the ground, and salt has been tilled into the earth. when the whole town is barren wasteland for him. maybe months or years later, then he'd ask: what went wrong? ashes to ashes. dust to dust. the question should've been asked during the relationship: what's going wrong? but that's just what i think. he probably feels differently.

as for me, i wonder why at 28, all i've got to show for my meagre love life is a string of epic failures. was he the worst? hell, no. then again, perhaps if we'd had stayed in the same town, we'd have been friends but never lovers, instead. he always was a better friend after all.

what do i think? personally?

mistake number 1. i let myself get swallowed up by the relationship. he gave many many excuses for avoiding life, for loving me correctly. he said i was not understanding. so i tried so hard to be. every time he didn't do something, i compensated for it. i should've made him take ownership and responsibility of the relationship as well, instead of doing it all on my own.

i should have insisted that he acted like a boyfriend. a real boyfriend. and not made excuses. because i am worth it. i am worth every penny he saves to see me, all the time he had to spend to come down and look me up. because i'm worth it.

unfortunately, i let my self worth drown because he made me feel small. maybe because he felt small, so he tried to make me feel like that too. i shouldn't have fallen for that. i shouldn't have allowed him to make me feel that way. but i loved him, and love is blind.

i should've kept my self worth intact. felt big about my self-worth. so maybe he could feel big, too. and if he didn't wanna feel big and still wanted to feel small, i should have left him. and not allowed him to persuade me to stay.

i should have left him. because he didn't want to help himself, because he was avoiding life, because he was avoiding love. and because i deserve better. because i'm worth a whole lot more than half-heartedness.

that was my mistake.