Vicissitudes

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....

Whatever....

I haven't been into the kitchen for about 4 months....

And I haven't stepped into it for a good 2 weeks, except to get water, which is right at the kitchen's edge.

Because previously there was a fight about me not cleaning up, me not caring about the house, me being selfish, me not taking out the trash, me not wanting to live in harmony....

Needless to say, I was Very Pissed Off. When I first moved in here, I cleaned not just my room, but the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room. I spent a good few days cleaning the place and making it habitable.

All everyone had to do was just to maintain it.

Of course, at the time, I was in between work, and I was free to do all that.

And naturally, once I started working, I didn't have as much time to clean up all the time.

It is EVERYONE's house, not just mine. And even if I'm the only girl in the house, everyone had a role to play.

Of course, I'm not perfect. No one is... I sometimes leave things in the sink overnight because: a) I forgot about it and b) I don't like to scrub the pans, it ruins them.

But I'll wash up the next morning, I've never left it there more than a night. And I DEFINITELY do not expect any one of them to wash up after me.

But what was said to me was really too much. They made it sound as if I'm a freeloader, and I've never once played my part in the household. That was what made me really really mad.

Twice before, the trash turned into a breeding ground for maggots. And twice it was me who ended up cloroxing the damn kitchen down and cleaning up.

After the quarrel, there was a time I came back from Penang and the entire house was stinking of trash, it was like a dumping ground. So I told one of the main tenants about it, and I said: You know I don't use the kitchen anymore, just as I know you don't either. I'd take it out this once, because if we left it there till tomorrow, it'd start growing maggots.

So I took it out. Even if not a single one of it is my damn trash, and I had actually tried, to avoid misunderstanding and more arguments, to prepare a duty roster for everyone. Needless to say, the roster didn't work either.

Today, after not stepping into the kitchen area for 4 months, after not using a single thing in the place other than the kettle and the sink for water, I walked into the kitchen in broad daylight to do my laundry.

The trash was full to the brim. The trash was stinking..... and they were maggots on the floor. All over the kitchen.

I was accused of not throwing my trash. I was accused of messing up the kitchen. I was accused of not cleaning up. I was accused of not doing my part. I was told to Fuck Off....

They laugh behind my back about my habits. For them, I'm just a useful pest that helps them pay the rent, and it's best that I don't use anything but pay for it anyway.

Now that I haven't contributed to a single trash in that kitchen. I have not even touched a single utensil, including the fridge. I have not made any mess to even clean up in the first place. I have no part to play at all with regards to the kitchen. I have, essentially Fucked Off the kitchen.

I wonder whose trash is that that caused the maggots to be crawling all over the kitchen?

I wonder how long the maggots have been there to start with?

And I wonder who is to be held accountable for it this time?

Me, again?

I'm not going to clean up after them this time around. Honestly, I don't care.

Am I being C.A.L.C.U.L.A.T.I.V.E.? Really? If I am, then I don't know what they are being.

I may be a girl, but I'm not a doormat. And if they are truly men, they should know better than to treat me like one.

The Dragonflies are here again....

For some reason, I found myself almost back to where I was 2 years ago...

I'm working till 9-10pm again.

I found the old playlist I used to listen to in IA.

I'm alone again.

It's as though things came full circle.

Except I'm in a new company. And I've had my heart given a little bit of hope, then thrown into a liquid nitrogen-filled grinder, made more brittle than ice, and then crushed to powder.

And I'm even writing on little pieces of paper again. Lest I forget who I am, what I thought, and what I wanted to say.

Even the dragonflies are showing themselves to me again.

And what I'm feeling is bittersweet...

He was almost always too busy for me... it felt even more so when I was feeling really down, and/ or stressed and/ or sick. It came to a point where sometimes I wouldn't even tell him, cos it wasn't going to make any difference anyhow.

And despite all his many proclamations of devotion and romanticism, I've been left bare... and cold...

Too many empty promises... and too many impatient cries of, 'have some patience'.

Too much heartbreak all over the place, while I'm left empty and cold and fragile inside.

Too much frustration and despair, after every major fight, or cold war, while he scrolls his mental Rodolex on to 'Next'. Yes, I could do the same, but I didn't want to.

Too much crying myself to sleep, while he turns to and..... chats with the elaines and the maries and the next cutesy almond-eyed chinadoll thingamabobs with the what are you doings and/ or the what are you wearings and/ or the where are you nows and the you're looking goods.... while i'm huddled alone in my sleep, getting colder and emptier on the inside....

Listening to my friend talk about her relationship and her marriage made me sad...

Reflecting on what I had been, made me sadder still... am I to only be the emotional crutch while he brings his dreams and hopes and smiles and laughter and warmth elsewhere?

And when they're done, I'm always there. 

And he talks to them who's never known me, who's never really known our story, who never bore witness to the sudden beginning and to the painful end, and all they think I am is the girl who's... ALWAYS THERE.

I've always been there. Through the sadness, through the frustration, through the despair, through the depression, through the bad dreams, through the illnesses.

I've always been there. Battered, bruised, cut wide open. Pulverised.

I built myself up. So I could always be there.

I've always been there.

Yes, in his own way he loves me. But perhaps, we have such irreconcilable differences when it comes to our ideas of love and relationships.

Things may have come full circle. But nothing will ever be the same again. Not after all of these.

The dragonflies... they show themselves to me again. Perhaps it's an omen.

Perhaps there's hope and redemption for me in a fresh new start away from here.

In the Last Single Digit Year of This Millennium

I decided to do something I've never done before.

Mountain-climb. How did this happen?

A friend called up last night to ask if I'd like to go climbing today. Well, I've never tried rock-climbing, even in a gym. But I figured, I'd like to try this, before I reach 30.

So I did. Although I got more than I bargained for.

When we got to Melawati, and he showed me the mountain range.. I was stunned: That's what we're gonna be climbing?! I quite nearly chickened out... except for the fact that I reminded myself I'd really like to try that at least once. Get out of my comfort zone and try something new.

2009... the last single digit year of this millennium... would be the Year of Yes. Personally for me.

There were sooooooooooo many people today. My friend was really annoyed enough to say: Maybe we should go to the waterfalls instead. But we trudged on anyway. It did affect our climb, we had to stop many times cos I didn't want to get in the way of other more experienced climbers.

It was a challenge... and initially I went quite slowly, my arms and legs felt unsteady, never having done this before, and not having first warmed up much. But the thing about Bukit Tabor is... once you start climbing... you have to continue all the way before you get down. Going back was more difficult than moving forward. So onwards I went... and after stopping for the longest time at the second peak due to the number of people going back and forth there (so much so that I told my friend: We could have a canteen here....) and finally crossing it, I started to feel better.

My main concern was slipping and falling, though... and to be honest I was quite scared to see the increasingly heightened distance between myself and the ground as I trudged upwards. My shoes were an old pair, and what I was worried about was the amount of gravel. Gravel caused the ground to be 'slippery'. I was careful to test the ground before I found a proper foothold so as not to slip and fall to certain death below.

It didn't help my nervousness that every now and then there were notices stuck here and there with regards to accidents occurring, especially with the 'abseilling' route that we had decided to take. Apparently a college girl of 23 had fallen down 100m - 150m below into the ravine because her hand had slipped off the rope. I managed my first abseilling, however, thanks to my friend, and some kind strangers who gave me some pointers on how to glide and move my way slowly down.

It got rockier as I went further up, but the rocks were large, and the spaces between footholds were further and further apart. By the time I got to the 3rd peak, I was quite exhausted and relying on isotonic drinks to keep me going. Another group were there, and they had a few women in the group, quite frightened (and rightfully so) of climbing downwards and sideways before moving on to the next peak. They kindly let my friend and I move on first, so as 'we can help you assess as you get down'.

I was like.. ARGHHHHHH when I found out that there were FIVE peaks to conquer... apparently J didn't tell me that and I only found out when I asked: Are we near yet? And one of the guys in the group answered: There are 2 more to go, you're at number 3. Me: Errrrkkkkkk........

So I started climbing downwards... and one of the men of the group said: 'Hug the rock, hug the rock' and so I replied 'Sure, yeah, the rock's my boyfriend, right?' They were terribly amused by my comment. Me, I hugged the rock for dear life. The rock WAS my boyfriend at that moment, as I tried to find a foothold as I moved slowly down. Looking back now, it WAS a funny thing to say. I suppose in the face of extreme danger and pressure, I find comfort in humour.

We crossed the 3rd peak and moved on to the 4th... This was the one that frightened me most. There was no way I could go back now, but the rocks were smooth with few footholds. I took a deep breath. Move on, honey. And climbed. J waited for me and watched as I made my way up. Holding on to a huge rock, I was wondering how to get up there, I'd have to utilise upper body strength to push at least half my body up the rock to clear this one climb.... and possible death lay below me if I failed and fell off. So I said a prayer, and hauled myself up with all my strength. And cleared. I looked at J and he looked at me: You ok? Me: Tired, I hope we're near, cos I'm getting really tired. I was running out of juice....

We moved forward, and right before us was a huge rock with red paint on it: Jesus (heart) U... I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the sight, and said to J: Amen! Amen to that! And why not? Just 2 mins ago I was hanging off a cliff-drop... I said to J: When life is hanging by a cliff (literally here!), there is no way else to go but up! Brings new perspective to things, doesn't it?

The rest of the climb was a little easier. It was less gravelly, more level. Reaching the top.... the 5th and final peak.... felt like a HUGE achievement. I was proud of myself, and so was my friend :) What did I say when I reached the peak? I've been a really good girl today :P and then I faced KL and said a little prayer. When I see the wondrousness of God spread before you like a moving, living painting, I couldn't help but feel like such a tiny speck in the larger scheme of things. And yet I have my place, just as the circling swallows before me. Breathtaking. How Great Thou Art :) The Master Painter, The Master Sculptor. In Him, All things are Perfect. And Beautiful.

It was quite an adrenaline rush, really. When I hit level ground, I felt like I was tipsy, close to drunk. I felt light-headed, woozy. My whole upper body was flushed red. My upper body was swollen, even. My arms and hands definitely were. Took some time for the 'swelling' to go down. I had the sensation of flying. It was probably better than sex, even. I guess I know now why some people bungee jump, eh?

Yes, I got me a few nice cuts and bruises, and I rushed down after that cos I was hungry and wanted to weewee. :P And I'm not sure I can walk tomorrow. HAHAHA.

Some pictures here on my crazy adventure today. Taken from TheTrekkers.blogspot.com.

What I climbed today.

The first abseilling. Where the college kid had fallen down.

The entire route I took.