Fear

It holds us back....

It kept me in KL, a place I've never really liked very much for almost 10 years.

It kept me from having real relationships with men, perhaps, always choosing the ones who could never really be truly intimate with me.

It kept me from breaking clean with someone I couldn't trust for 2 years.

Perhaps I was afraid of rejection. Perhaps I was afraid to be alone again.

But I'm not happy. I'm tired of the broken promises. Tired of not being able to fully trust someone. Tired of being just a little bit better than a best lady friend. What's so special about me, then... right?

I'm tired of being paranoid. Tired of being afraid.

Take a bow now. So the curtains have finally come down. Not for lack of trying. Perhaps it's just time to move on. Perhaps things aren't meant to be. Perhaps you and I, we're too different when it comes to our definition of fidelity vs. infidelity.

Thank you for 2 1/2 years. Not all of it were bad. We had some sweet moments... not enough, unfortunately, to make up for the sad ones.

But everyone needs a first love, and you were mine. Thank you for the memories.

Vicissitudes

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....

Tears

It's been said that no man is worth your tears, and when you find one who is, he wouldn't make you cry.

Jaded

I have a grandfather that had two wives.

An uncle that has at least 4 wives. And he's estranged from at least one of them.

Another uncle that was one of my hometown's first top chartered accountants, and lost everything, including possibly, some of his sanity when his wife, who wasn't very beautiful, and definitely not very educated, upped and left him for another man, taking their children with her. And all his money and assets. He lost everything that day.

I have another uncle who did not really have a love marriage. But who was with my auntie for many years, bringing up 5 children together. In recent years, he hooked up with several Indon girls.

A sister-in-law that is a child of divorced parents. Her father went off with another woman. Her sister is divorced due to an accident the hospital could be sued for.

Sometimes I have nothing to say.

I watch all these around me and can't help feeling disappointed and depressed.

I can't help but lose more and more of that blanket of innocence surrounding me, that fresh romanticism of youth. And watch romance with jaded eyes.

I can't help but feel, sometimes, that I never want to be married.

That I never want to be in any of these situations.

Love marriage. Arranged marriage.

You'd think, at how I've witnessed these situations all my life, at how bitter and angry and spiteful adults can be to one another, that they've never once shared a single intimate moment together. That they've never shared affection with each other. That they've never known companionship, or at least a certain companionable silence. You'd think they were born to hate each other with a loathing so complete, it's all-consuming.

I don't know if I've ever known what true love means. How is it like? Would I know it when I see it? Or am I blinded by other passions? Some people never know it. Some lose it before they realise it was there.

What I do know is this:

Falling in love with someone is a feeling.

Loving someone is a choice.

Staying in love with someone is an effort.

Love. And sex. They're both choices.

We choose to work on what we have.

We choose to stay committed.

We choose to refrain ourselves from being in situations of temptation. Or walking away when we are.

We choose who we stay in love with.

Because nothing lasts forever. Not without effort. Not without choice.

Like sex. There's no such thing as drunken sex. Even when I got so drunk I couldn't remember my evening the next morning, I was told that rather than going home with someone I was dancing with and who was obviously hitting on me, I chose to go to the toilet and call my friends.

After all, one can choose to NOT get so drunk in the first place.

A lot of things are excuses we make up to cover for our shortcomings. Our flaws. Because we know that if we take a clear looking glass that can look into our souls, we'd cringe at the ugliness we see and find in ourselves. The glass is always tinted...

I don't love her anymore.

She is a jealous and obsessive cunt.

She nags too damn much.

She's so freakin' clingy.

She can't bear me sons.

He hardly has time for me.

He works too hard.

The other man sees me while he doesn't look at me anymore.

Excuses. Valid, perhaps. But does s/he know? Was effort made to rekindle the relationship before moving on to infidelity?

If one is in a committed relationship, infidelity is no excuse. The choice was made. You chose who you wanted to be with. Why cheat? Why not just break up so the other party has a chance to find someone who truly loves him or her? At least, someone who treats him/ her better than you do? Better than you'll ever know how to? Or better than you'll ever WANT to?

Infidelity. It's selfishness and irresponsibility to the core.

I can't stomach it. If you chose me to be Queen to your King... then treat me like one. I don't care if you've treated all your previous women like manure strewn all over your garden or flushed down your septic tank. But if you want me in your life, treat me like the Gold heirloom that was preciously passed from generation to generation. Treat me like a respected Partner. Your Equal. Your other Half.

Else why should I stay? I've seen too much. Heard too much. Watched too much.

There's too much heartbreak in this world. And I'd really rather not bring children into a relationship that's fractured. A child born into a family deserves the love of both parents. Not parents at each other's necks. Not one parent who's in love with another woman but stays with one, just because. Children should be spared that kind of heartbreak whenever possible. A child might as well be born to a single loving parent if that were the case.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm disappointed with the world.

I don't know what I'd do if put in such a situation. I think, rather than fight for someone who plays games with me and cannot commit wholeheartedly to me, the way I would to him, I think I'd rather turn my heart to ice where he's concerned. Pack up my bags and leave, never to return for the next 20 years or so. If he doesn't love me the way ANY woman should be loved, then it's pointless to stay. Whether or not children are in the picture. I'd rather children witness a quiet divorce than watch their two parents growing to hate each other more and more as each day goes by. Or worse, be indifferent to each other.

I don't know. I had 250 people ask me within the space of half an hour, when is my turn to be married. I wish I could tell them sometimes I really don't feel like I should.

I can see myself more a mother than a wife. A child needs me. A child wants me. A child loves me. A child would never have another mother. Not one that brought him/ her up anyway. A child's love would be unconditional. A child would love me as much as I love him/ her. Return my wholehearted affection with his/ her own.

A child would never love in halves.

Perhaps that's what true love is. Loving in whole.

Does he love me in whole? I hope so. What does the future hold though? Thing is, we don't know.

Doubt as an Element of Faith

I remember talking to a friend in California who had lost touch with his faith in 2007. I remember him telling me about how he doesn't believe in his religion anymore. Although, when he was a lot younger, he used to be almost fanatical about Catholicism. 

I remember, how, as a child, I attended church camps, and one of the visiting priests had, during one Q&A session about our faith, discuss the mysteries of the church, and encouraged us to keep questioning ourselves, because that is the only way to lead us to the truth. It keeps us from getting complacent about our faith. And to avoid taking it for granted.

I remember how, at 16, my father insisted I tutored under a good old La Sallian brother, and how he had encouraged my writing, and allowed me to borrow from his personal library for free, with only one condition, to return them once I was done. And how, he too, indirectly, had encouraged me to learn by questioning.

WHY. Out of the 4W1H, it is the most important question. What Where When Why How. Why is always the most difficult to answer. Yet the most important. Because as what I had learnt from Psychology and Sociology in university, what motivates people is always the most elusive, and the most difficult to understand.

It requires you to get into the person's head, and into the person's shoes, and attempt walking a thousand steps in his shoes to attempt to glean even the most little understanding of what motivates him. And that is usually the most incomprehensible of all. People, in general, hate someone else questioning their motives. Common questions would be:

1. Don't you trust me?

2. Why must you know?

3. Isn't faith enough?

4. Why do you doubt me so?

5. Have a little faith in me, will you?

What most people fail to understand is that trying to find out the motivations of another person is always more painful than accepting the person at face value. It takes more effort. More tears. Because it means delving deeper than what is at the surface, than what is comfortable. What is readily shown to the rest of the world. People generally shy away from what appear to be painful or difficult, and uncomfortable, especially in today's era of self-gratification. No one wants to look like the bad guy.

It is always easier to accept when a person says: I'm like this. I'm just always bad-tempered. 

It's easier to accept that response and just stay at arm's length.

It's harder to ask: 'Why is he bad-tempered?' And to attempt finding out why and risking losing the person's friendship/ risking being yelled at/ etc.

Only if one perseveres, does a person find out that: Oh, he has an illness. He is constantly haemorrhaging. It leaves him tired and ill-tempered all the time. He needs help. He needs understanding.

It just goes to show how the extra effort that was being made can help spur understanding and forge a deeper relationship. How a little doubt can become an element of a deeper faith. The faith being the general goodness of people. That normally people do have a good reason when they're upset.

And yes, the above was a true example.

Like religion, accepting the general misconception that Catholics worship the Mother Mary, could have stopped me from finding out and having a deeper faith. And that doubt in said worship spurred me on to discover that it was not a worship, but a respect for her that started the Hail Marys. That the prayer was not one of worship, but of intercession. It meant: Intercede for me in my prayer to your Son. Help me bring my message to your Son, and to His Holy Father.

I don't claim to know everything about my religion. I'm just a baby in that aspect. But learning through questioning my faith, is a good start to keep me from being lazy.

Like every other aspects of my life, the question WHY has spurred me to greater heights than every other question. Where, When, What, How is easily deduced from most scenarios. But the question WHY is what has spearheaded all the greatest inventions and discoveries of our time.

The greatest example perhaps being: Why does the apple fall straight to the ground from the tree? The discovery of Gravity by Sir Isaac Newton. Which spearheaded many many other great scientific discoveries of the 20th and 21st century. Including space exploration.

The question WHY is what opens up our minds to the bigger possibilities out there. Keeps us from being a lazy bum and generally accepting our lot in life. It spurred the Enlightenment and the Renaissance movement. It started many a Revolution all around the world. It got us out of the Dark Ages.

WHY. I was raised to question. I was trained to ask the question. As a child born to science teachers. As a trained microbiologist and partially trained sonographer. WHY was the most important question.

The cells are not growing. WHY.

The child in the womb has a collapsed lung. WHY.

The question WHY can save relationships and, on an even more important scale, save lives. It's a question I cannot ignore, even if someone close to me dislikes the question the most.

WHY should not be a question that is feared. But one that is respected and cherished as a means to enhance our relationships and our lives. Whether that be our relationship with our parents, our siblings, our friends, our loved ones, our colleagues, nature, or even God. 

It enriches us. Challenges us to be better people. Humbles us as we question OUR OWN motivations. Spurs us to greater heights. Holds us to the ground as much as it exalts us to the sky. Keeps us open to other possibilities. Retains our enthusiasm for the people around us and for life itself.

As President Barack Obama puts it in his speech at Notre Dame: But remember too that the ultimate irony of faith is that it necessarily admits doubt. This doubt should not push us away from our faith. But it should humble us. It should temper our passions, and cause us to be wary of self-righteousness. It should compel us to remain open, and curious, and eager.

His speech was widely touted as one that redefined faith. Yet he wasn't the first man that had tried to tell the world this small kernel of wisdom. The priest at that church camp almost 15 years ago had said the same in less rhetoric terms. So did the good old La Sallian brother. So did Martin Luther, which sparked the revolution in the Catholic church, and sparked the Lutheran/ Presbysterian faith. It's one that wise men over the ages had tried to instill in a stubborn humanity.

But perhaps the radical young President's were the most rhetoric (as he is famous for), the most radical (for a country as secretly conservative, traditionalist, egotistical, selfish and narrow-minded as the United States of America) and the most unexpected. It was also perhaps, the most widely aired, and the most far-reaching, as most of the world is still running on the fever that is Obamamania. That may not be a bad thing. The young President may be shrewd and wise enough to utilise his high publicity to try and give the world a new perspective on the relationship between doubt and faith. And the great importance of the word WHY.

It may be what the US of A, and the rest of the world needs after all. Redefining Faith. Understanding the importance of the word WHY. Perhaps we would all start asking ourselves the most important question of all.

1. Why am I afraid?

2. Why am I behaving this way?

3. Why do I feel this way?

4. Why am I at this job?

5. Why am I with this person?

6. Why am I in this country?

7. Why am I limitting myself?

8. Why are we waging a war on terror?

9. Why do we call this the World Cup when it's only USA?

10. Why are we still polluting the earth?

and so it goes.

Doubt as an element of faith.... WHY do you think I am always questioning myself? And you?

2008

It's been a long, difficult year.

High points. Low points.

I've had to struggle in my career, in my personal life. I've had to shelve a few plans.

2008 has been bittersweet.

Career-wise, it's a cliffhanger. Salary increment plans would be on hold till further notice. So there's that. Nothing I can say about that. I'm just glad I've done what I've aimed to do when I took this job offer: Learn. And that I have. It's better no salary increment than to have a pay-cut and get laid off anyway, which is being done in several companies, given the current economic climate. So I'll dig my heels in and weather the storm as best I can. After all, it wasn't a bad start to my new job. And I'm trying to keep as positive as I can.

Personal life, well I suppose if anyone's been following that's off till further notice too. I'm not sure where that will be going. I suppose for now, I'll be concentrating on me. 'Cos I've let go. There's no more anger, no more frustration, just sadness. Resignation. Forgiveness too, for what had been done. Although I wouldn't let any of that happen to me again. That's just self-preservation. Once bitten, twice shy. But we've both made many mistakes, and forgiveness is important to move forward with living.

It sucks to break up right before the holiday season. Christmas was always the most quietly romantic holiday for me. Time to spend with loved ones. People we cherish most. But in a way I'm glad. And relieved. It would suck even more to be crying and fighting during the holiday season. Mayhap it's better this way.

There's much to be learnt from solitude after all.

Met a friend I knew from a friend, and barely know in person on fb chat. And he tells me: 'cheer up dear... good things always around the corner... though sometimes it can be a long corner... nevertheless .... good things...'

Strangely comforting, coming from a guy who annoys me to bits each time we meet. :P Probably the first time he sounds his age in the few times we meet... and immediately after, he sounds like his usual jackass self again :)

That, though, somehow made me cry again, silly as it is... it's been a really long corner this year, and I've come right to the edge of breaking point so many times. I suppose that's the price to pay for growing up. I do hope he's right... I could do with a nice break, even a small one, just to know the effort's not all been in vain.

So I wanna take a break. From the daily grind for awhile. Just to recharge, rejuvenate. Probably remove myself from people for awhile. Just to rediscover myself.

It's been a long corner of a year. But I've had no regrets.

I ended the year:

1. On a cliffhanger due to the global economic downturn.

2. Newly single again, though with many new friends.

3. Learning how to clean the radiator gasket for a car... that's another completely different blog altogether. Stay tuned.

4. Back to my November 2007 waistline... Yes, I can fit in old jeans again. That's how much I lost weight due to the events of the past 2-3 months.

5. Having a new appreciation for my family and friends, well-meaning that they are... though not necessarily always helpful :P but still... well-meaning....

I wish to have a clean, fresh start to 2009, with renewed hope for the future, whatever it is it has in store for me.

Life goes on, after all. And I hope my friend is right. Good things always around the corner.

Let's drink to the past, toast to the future, and cheer the present.

Everytime I see you falling....

It's been a long long time since I felt like this. Well, maybe not that long. A year, perhaps?

I feel like turning off my phone, rid myself of all communication, take a long long drive somewhere away from people and just watch the sea. Or the mountains. Or the rivers.

Maybe even take a flight back to my hometown, just to sleep in my own bed. And watch the rambutan tree outside, with the carefree birds chirping in it. But then again, my parents would question me.

And what is there for me to say?

I feel sad. And torn. I wonder why so many things elude me. And opening up the gates to past experiences also mean reopening old wounds. And the resignation that comes with it.

And not being able to speak out about things that matter to the one that matters just adds to the resignation that I may have to choose solitude after all.

It's been raining more on than off for the past 2 days. Most days I love the rain. I do too, today. But it's also not helping with the mood. The heavy rain just feels like sorrow.

Spoke to spuddie the other day. And it felt good to talk to someone who understands without having to say much. Perhaps because it's been there done that for spud.

Sigh.

Why can't things be just a little simpler? For once? Too many trials by fire would have one combust sooner or later.

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

New Order -- Bizarre Love Triangle

Don't ask me why but I've always loved this song.

It's been so long since I've last blogged... well, long for me, at least. Had quite a few things to write about, but never did find the time.

I had intention to write about the Permatang Pauh by-election, but after reading this man's blog, I figured, I'd just endorse it here :)

Read, and be moved. For a country that has roots in constitutional monarchy, we should probably be proclaiming: Le Roi, La Loi, La Liberte!

But being an idealist, I much prefer Dupont's words in Revue Republicaine: "Any man aspires to liberty, to equality, but he can not achieve it without the assistance of other men, without fraternity"

So here's Haris Ibrahim's 'Dear Anwar'

BY HARIS IBRAHIM (http://harismibrahim.wordpress.com/2008/08/18/dear-anwar/)


Dear Anwar.


I write to you as one anak Bangsa Malaysia to another.

My friends and I were pleased to read in the Malaysiakini report of 14th August that you have forgiven your enemies for what they have done to you over the last ten years, but that you will never forget what they have done to you.

It is good that you have found it in your heart to forgive them, for otherwise you will end up bitter and vindictive like a certain 'past the shelf-life' politician who just simply refuses to fade away.

No, you don't want to carry bitterness within you.

And indeed you must never forget, for it is the remembrance of what you have gone through that will serve you well in two ways.

One, to never do to others or allow to be done by others what has been inflicted upon you.

Two, so that you will not allow those who have wronged you the opportunity to do again what they have done to you before.

My sister, I like Chopin, has asked me to tell you that she has forgiven you your 16 years of involvement, at least by association and failure to dissociate, with the autocratic, dictatorial, corrupt Mahathir administration.

Yes, most of my friends and I, like my sister, have long forgiven you for your involvement in the atrocities committed by Mahathir during his reign of destruction and pillage, even if only by association and your failure to dissociate with his regime.

But like you, we, too, have not forgotten.

Just as remembrance will serve you well, so too us.

Will we ever forget?

I cannot speak for the others, but for me, I think that is really up to you.

Before I proceed further, so as to lessen the hurt, if any, of what I am about to say, let me first say that whilst I have the highest regard for YB Lim Kit Siang and YB Lim Guan Eng, yet in the matter of the politics and governance of this nation, I do not trust them implicitly and without question, because they are politicians and 50 years of BN politics has delivered a hard and painful lesson to many of us.

Don't trust politicians completely.

Many times last year, I wrote in this blog that I wished you would give me a reason to trust you.

Whilst I have to be frank and tell you that I still do not trust you, three things have persuaded me to 'take a chance'.

First, and this is the only rational factor of the three, this nation needs to be rid of the racist, divide and rule politics of BN. UMNO will not change, and the other component parties have shown themselves to be helplessly subservient to UMNO.

You and your party leaders, together with the leaders of DAP, have been taking policy positions or making policy statements that, by far and large, seem to be in line with the aspirations of the people.

I say 'seem' because much still remains to be seen.

I had actually wanted to say all the Pakatan leaders but, truly, PAS has been giving us some serious concerns of late.

The second and the third factors are, in truth, 'gut' reactions.

Raja Petra wrote a series to remind us of the Royal Commission of Inquiry into your 'black eye' beating at the hands of the former IGP.

My eyes teared when I read your testimony about the beating you received and the day after, the condition you were in, and the refusal by the police to afford you treatment.

Yes, I still think you owe the nation an apology for your 16 years in the Mahathir administration.

We, too, as a nation, though, owe you and your family an apology, for all that you and your family have been through these last 10 years.

I am sorry.

Then, on 5th August, I heard you deliver your ceramah in Bentong, Pahang.

I have attended many of your ceramah but, quite frankly, this was the first time that I heard you speak with humility, particularly your appeal to any who might feel inclined to go to Permatang Pauh to help in your election campaign.

What particularly touched me and my family who were present, something that has also got the mention of G. Krishnan in his blog today, was when you said :

"Anak Melayu, anak kita, anak Cina anak kita, anak India, pun anak kita. Mengapa harus kita bezakan?"

Succinctly, you had articulated that which I have felt for such a long, long time and which, without more, sums up the spirit of anak Bangsa Malaysia that I hope one day will be definitive of us as a people of this nation.

It is this last matter that I have mentioned, irrational as it may seem to many, that has most moved me to 'take a chance'.

A word of advice.

Don't make the mistakes of Pak Lah.

You have made us many pledges and promises.

I quote you from the Malaysiakini report mentioned above :

"But how do you run a government and affect changes, move forward - we need a new Malaysian awareness, we need unity of all races, we need a new vibrant economy, we need to reform the judiciary and bring back confidence in a more professional police force - if you get yourself engrossed with the past?…If it (involves) 2,000 acres and two billion ringgit - it's just not my right to forgive, they have to return the money. But otherwise, we cannot afford to drag the entire country back to the past."

Keep your promises to us.

Where we can recover the nation's wealth that has been stolen, we must.

You must not do favours for anyone from the past by interfering with our law enforcement authorities.

Restore what is rightfully due to the rakyat.

On Black 14, I heard you use the phrase 'Ketuanan Rakyat' for the first time.

Do not waver from this.

End race politics.

End the politicisation of Islam.

You must be brave enough to tell the Malays that this country belongs to all the anak-anak Bangsa Malaysia, to remind the Malays again and again that UMNO's ketuanan Melayu is unIslamic and has been their evil tool to enrich themselves and divide this nation.

Do this, and be assured of the strongest support from the majority of anak-anak Bangsa Malaysia who, by far and large, are decent people.

In the run-up to the 12th GE, the rakyat launched an aspirational document called the 'People's Declaration'.

All the Pakatan parties, including yours, indorsed this document.

We took your indorsement seriously and for that reason went all out to work to get the votes for the Barisan Rakyat parties at the last general election.

We will hold you to that indorsement.

A final reminder.

The rakyat today are not like that of 16 years ago.

We understand national issues better, we are better informed, and we have a greater sense of commitment to the ideals of justice and equality.

And we have a newly found self-belief to pursue these ideals and to pursue change.

Understand and remember that we are no longer afraid.

We fully understand today that governance of this nation was intended to be in the hands of the people, and that when you and your party leaders offer to govern, it is with a view to serve us.

Therefore, understand and remember that it is we, the rakyat, who govern through those who have taken oath to serve us.

It is only by abiding by that oath that you might honourably be called a leader of men.

Any less and you would have proven yourself to be no better than those whom you now endeavour to displace.

In the run-up to polling day on the 26th, my friends and I will be in Permatang Pauh to help you in any way we can.

By God's Grace, you will soon be returned to Parliament. May He also continue to bestow you with wisdom and courage to discharge you duties faithfully.

Posted by Haris Ibrahim Filed in Taking back our country

Pieces

A fragile mind is always teetering on the very edge of madness.

Today, my new colleague of barely a month or so made an observation about me that hasn't been made in awhile. Perhaps it is true, gay men are more astute after all:

You're too nice. You're a doormat.

I suppose it's true.

Despite my layers of cynicism...
I WOULD LIKE to be proven wrong once in awhile.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to take a person's statements at face value.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to trust someone so completely, I could be spared the worry of being lied to, betrayed and backstabbed.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to be taken for who I am, and not have to worry about being compared with someone and found lacking.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to take someone just as s/he is without worrying about ulterior motives.

But that's not how it works, isn't it?

A young wise friend of mine once said: there's no such thing as true altruism in this world.

And oh! What a jaded thing to say from one so young. But as time goes by, I'm more and more tempted to just, one fine day, pack up everything I have, go into a jungle up in the mountains, and never be seen again.

Because at times, animals make better company than people, no matter how fascinating people can be.

They lack that self-absorbed egocentricism that people have, and which I have had frightening brushes with, in the not-too-distant past. It makes me wonder, at times, what I've done in a past life (if that's your kinda thing) to be such a magnet for people who ultimately end up using me as a psychological/emotional/mental bedrock. And when they think they're about done, they prepare to toss you like a ragdoll.

Thxbai.

After all, what does one do with a well that has run dry?

There's a fine line between fear and awareness.
There's a fine line between genius and madness.
There's a fine line between melancholy and depression.
There's a fine line between confidence and pride.
There's a fine line between solitude and loneliness.
There's a fine line between love and hate.
There's a fine line between life and death.

Thank you for the catharsis.

Randomness.

Milk

Milk: you can do so much with it. As a drink for the most basic nutrients. Cultured milk. In another drink, eg. tea or coffee. Yoghurt. Cheese. In cooking. Ice-cream that makes people happy. And etcetera, etcetera. All the potential.

Yet once it's tainted there's not much use for it except down the drain. Once it's spilt, there's nothing else to do with it. Wasted potential.

Spilt milk. What's there to do with spilt milk?

An Act of Seven Ages-As You Like It

They say nice girls finish last. And good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. So I wonder often: Where do the imperfect average like myself go then? Which word am I among the pages of the great novel? Which drop am I in the vastness of the waters of the oceans? Which blip am I in the cosmic radar?

Pray tell me, because I'd surely like to know.

Who am I? Say I'm a pawn in the great chess game... then, what is my function? What is my role?

They say all the world's a stage... the men and women merely its' players... they have their exits and their entrances... and one man in his time, plays many parts... his act being seven ages....

Maybe so. If I'm lucky. So what is my role?

Sometimes... I know I'm too choosy, at times. Yet at other times, I wonder if I settle too quickly.

Someone once told me I demanded perfection too much. The perfect man. The perfect job. Is that so? Another told me my idea of the perfect man is one who builds his life around me. But then, wouldn't that bore me?

I want something that will last. Or at least, the foundations of a lasting legacy. Am I foolish to hold on to the notion that I certainly do not expect to be the first, but I would hope to be, like to be, the last? Is that too much naivete? Or is that demanding too little, of myself, especially?

Seven ages... an act of seven ages is a long time. I would want it to be fulfilling.. at the very least.

Life's many contradictions

people ask me: do you look forward to your trip, and my mind comes up blank. because honestly, i'm more worried about the job than anything else. and i think i would only get excited about trips after i've settled jobs.

guess i work that way: i don't particularly like surprises. i normally like to know what i'm pitting myself up against. yes, i'd take risks. but only if i can gauge the odds. and definitely not when it comes to anything of great importance in my life. and only when i'm prepared.

see, i'm like this mule. i look docile, but try to get me to do something i don't want, and u're up against a granite brick. shove, pull, yank, cajole, i won't move a muscle. might as well have been planted, no, ROOTED there.

yes, i'm worried. it's new. and i think i'm comfort eating. :(

****

i miss staying up late and hearing myself. i've so many things i wanna write, but which i've put off to oblivion cos: a) i fell asleep. b) i was unmotivated because my computer is really too slow to run more than 2 apps at one time. c) some things are kinda private, and i'm not sure if it would be wise putting things here.

i guess this poem i memorised when i was 13 would probably sum things up cryptically enough. not sure i remember ALL of it, in it's entirety, or whether the arrangement is quite right. no matter. i think it brings it's point across well enough:

what is this life if, full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare?

no time to stand beneath the boughs,
and stare as long as sheep and cows.

no time to see when woods we pass,
where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

no time to see, in broad daylight,
streams full of stars, like skies at night.

no time to turn at Beauty's glance,
and watch her feet, how they can dance.

no time to wait, till her mouth can,
enrich that smile her eyes began?

a poor life, this, if full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare.

i can't quite remember what the title is, but i think it's by a w.h. davis.

sometimes, a person can be around, but not THERE, if you know what i mean. like i'm looking at you, but not seeing you. i'm listening to you, but not hearing you. or i'm sleeping with you, but not loving you. like existing, but not living. like buying things, but never using them. like coming to work everyday, but never feeling motivated. like the earth can collapse at your feet today, and all you are going to feel is relief.

life has little meaning, lived that way. there's got to be more to life than just that.

The Post-Mortem... Free of Charge from a Mere Slip of a Weak Female Mind

In every report I've made for you, 1 important issue stands out:

The prices of goods have increased, aka inflation.

Do we need a post-mortem? These reports were done before the elections. Obviously, all that hanky-panky with the housekeeper puts the chief to sleep during the day....

The people do not need flashy adverts during every tv or radio commercial, or in bright-fluorescent lit billboards at every lrt station, or full-page adverts in major dailies to KNOW that although there's been growth in this country, the people are not getting any of it. There's economic growth... and yet there's major inflation. [Which begs to ask, by the way, how much of good, hardworking, taxpayers' money did you spend on campaigning this year? I demand a breakdown of your budget.]

Selamat. Aman. Makmur. I beg to differ, and here are my arguments, based on each propagandic word.

Selamat: Where is it? People get brutally murdered... bombed up to smithereens... but we hardly see justice being done. In the last 5 years... horrible crimes has been committed, especially to women [want me to name names? Here are the few high-profile ones: Canny Ong (in Bangsar Shopping Complex), Normala Samsuddin (in Desa Sri Hartamas) and most recently, Altantuya Sharibuu (in the air we breathe in everyday, cos the poor woman was combusted into dust particles)], and yet, despite our constitution being amended a mind-boggling 690 times (that's close to 700, mind you) in a mere 50 years of independence, RAPE laws in this country has difficulty getting passed. 50 years and counting. No, as a mere slip of a woman, I definitely do NOT feel SELAMAT here... especially when just mere weeks before the election, rempit snatchthieves grabbed my bag in broad daylight in a public area.

Aman: What's so aman about this? In 4 years, my personal experience was having my bag grabbed by rempit snatchthieves in major commercial public areas 2 times. That's averaging once every 2 years. And the one fucking the duyung on the side wants to absorb these people who refuse to work but steal from the weak into an alternative police force? Letting them take the law into their own hands literally. No. I don't feel AMAN either.

Makmur: Ahhhh..... rising prices of petrol and toll.... leading to rising prices of goods everywhere..... 'nuff said. Mana keMAKMURannya?

The tagline falls short of its' promises. Is it any wonder discerning people choose otherwise? It's been clear from the start. If you choose NOT to see and listen and understand it, then you do NOT deserve the people's mandate.

Historic

As many would know... the results are out.

What can I say:

i've got pseudo-pheochromocytoma :P

it's the dawn of a new era.

it's a HISTORIC moment.

we are finally making a stand, and giving our mandate.

we are standing at the threshold of change.

racial politics is at least 30 years obsolete. and finally, people are starting to know it.

anarchy and apathy is dead.

it's a REVOLUTION. Che Guevara be proud.

watch out for snatchthievesrempitarmy backlash maychapsastyle, though.

now i can't say much... knowing the crackdown on bloggers... but still... i HAD to say something :)

Many months ago, I was talking to two of my best girlfriends, till the wee hours of the morning... and we were predicting this. it's been long simmering, brewing... and we've been needing such a change for a long time, though. young people of this country is beginning to speak up for change, and i couldn't be happier.

it's a historic moment. but let's not forget the sacrifices we've had to make to get here, and let's not rest on our laurels. the story is just only beginning. let's write us a good one.

Unfinished

There are times when you come to mind.

And I wonder about what you're doing and how you are. And yet I never pick up the phone to call, in fact, I might have forgotten your number now. Funny, because only recently, I still did. Someone asked me if I have mental blocks. And I wonder if you're one of it.

And I wonder, too, what it would be if we were still talking.

I wonder about the what ifs, what could bes, and what might have beens.

I also wonder, what we would say to each other if we ever do cross paths in the future. Would I recognise your face if I see you again? Would you remember me? Would we pretend we didn't see each other and walk away? Or would we stop to say hello, even stop for a drink for old times' sakes?

I've no business wondering. I did force myself to forget.

And its strange that, almost always, invariably, the memory of you visits me when I'm at my saddest. When episodes of my life flashes before my closed eyes like seasons from a sitcom. So clear it was almost like yesterday.

In a way, perhaps, you're one of my regrets, if I have any. Perhaps because between you and I, its unfinished business.

So many things left unsaid, so much emotions left unspoken, so much left unexplained.

Although, I could, in a way, conclude from the lack of communication, a form of closure in itself, still, it's different than hearing it from you.

But perhaps, that always was our issue in the first place. You never really did speak much, and for myself, then, being young as I was, neither did I.

Henceforth, I promised myself that I would speak my mind, at whatever cost, because when it comes to you and I....

I just regret how things turned out.

while i've been away.....

was away at a WoW house... where all the comps are always in fully-utilised mode, so i didn't have much of a chance to blog despite my wanting to write about several things.

things are in full swing now that i'm back at work (:() but i still really wanna blog about the horny politician.

so an em-ian minister pulls a clinton.... and is considered a HERO cos he 'apologises' about it in public.... though how it's called an apology is beyond me.

what about it irks me?

statements such as 'she is a PERSONAL FRIEND' (hohoho) and 'unsure whether it was old or new'... right....
and his 'next course of action' has yet to be decided: 'I will think about it after meeting the press.' (and fucking 'em female press ppl silly? they're all personal friends)

and then the police are coming down on those who own/distribute the DVD.... HUH?? it's an offense... right...

here's the thing: if he were an opp leader, he'd be crucified downside up by now. and subject to all forms of verbal and what-not abuse on his character...

and really now, his being recorded fucking a 'personal friend' silly should be ample proof of a lack of moral credibility, and he should step down from politics gracefully.

even Clinton would probably have done so if such proof were circulated around the US of A, in, say, Arkansas.

in all seriousness, my bitterness with the ruling team aside:
i'm not saying it's right to invade one's privacy with recordings and such... it IS. but would there be such a crackdown and hue-and-cry on the invasion of privacy if it were, say, an artiste? or just an ordinary person like you or me? or if it were an opposition leader?

yes, temptations abound. perhaps the marriage has long been dead.... but he is STILL married. is it more right for him to maintain his marriage for the sake of posterity (and because it clouds the eyes of the public, therefore, making it easier to enter politics) and then fuck 'personal friends', or 'not-so-personal friends', rather than get a divorce and fuck 'friends' as a bachelor?

it's one thing to be a single man with a fuckbuddy. quite another to be a married/unavailable man with a fuckbuddy.

if you're a confirmed bachelor/bachelorette who doesn't pretend to want a relationship/emotional entanglement, it's a completely different ballgame than a man or woman who has ties that bind.

yes, he may be a good politician, leader of the people, one who does the duties of his office faithfully. perhaps. but betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust. if he were a good politician, etc. etc. then his error in judgment is one the people of his constituency as well as himself has to pay heavily for. which is very very sad... because in all fairness, he HAS been a good Minister of Health, in my opinion.

but fair is fair. pay for his error he has to. and firstly, he has a lot to make up for. to his wife and children, most of all, if they still mean a lot to him. if his marriage has long been over, then it's perhaps about time he stop the farce and file for divorce. if said 'personal friend' is someone he has long wanted to marry, then do so. it's better than living a lie. and lying to the public.

whether it were just a fling, or an emotional entanglement, is BESIDE THE POINT. it doesn't make his behaviour any more RIGHT. in fact, an emotional entanglement, makes it even sadder. because the poor woman AS WELL AS his poor wife has to suffer in silence for such a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time. how idiot politicians interviewed in the papers (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/1/6/focus/19931882&sec=focus) can make one less 'sinful' than the other just shows how SHALLOW and SUPERFICIAL some people are. and how they hold DOUBLE STANDARDS for different groups of people.

yes, after marriage, you may still meet another man or woman that you fancy. but is it RIGHT to pursue both at the same time? marriage is a CHOICE. it is a COMMITMENT. it means choosing to fuck one vagina or one penis for the rest of your fucking life (pun intended). it means keeping yourself emotionally, mentally and physically LOYAL to ONE PERSON until you die (or the marriage gets dissolved). it means RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY.

like a job: if you're working for someone, you may still find another job that you fancy. should you pursue both at the same time too? certainly not. you WOULD get fired. and you WOULD receive disciplinary action. but in marriage it's ok? shouldn't you suffer the same fate? isn't a person's tie to another person more important than a person's tie to a job? both are COMMITMENTS. why is one less important than another?

in an ordinary citizen, such behaviour is wrong. ordinary people suffer censure for it. in a politician holding office, does that make it OK? certainly not. perhaps we should make all politicians who say stupid things like that step down as well. because i'm deeply ashamed to hear such idiocy coming out of the mouths of our elected MPs.

but in all sarcasm for the ruling team:
perhaps i should join the party too, so i could fuck around with 20 year-old male gigolos at 50 and call them personal friends. and then still arrogantly say that i'm unsure about how old the tape was, just so ppl will think i 'masih bocor' at 50.

seriously. this place is going steadily downhill. it makes me sick.

the self-aggrandizement and egocentricity of emian politics and politicians sickens me. this just epitomises such disgustingly low-life behaviour.

and the datin.... what the fuck? 'trying to pull a hillary?' was the first thing i told the boy when i read the papers.

i swear by God's footstool and by the heavens, if the boy ever pulls a 'datuk CSL' on me, i'd:
a) call the courts on him and get him crucified.
b) empty his savings and make them MINE.
c) tie him up to a chair next to his own bbq pit, build a slow fire, cut up his stomach with a katana (yes, trust me, i know ppl who collects swords as a hobby), pull out his intestines slowly and start slowly roasting it over the slow fire (while he's still alive, yes...) while:
d) getting several HUGE-ASS STEROID-ADDICTED IRON-PUMPERS in gimp-suits to gang-rape his ass..
e) get all my friends to make a recording of said unwilling homosexual orgy
f) distribute said recording for FREE
g) carve some curses into his sorry penis with a blunt apparatus
h) castrate said sorry penis with said bloody blunt apparatus
i) by the time all that is done, if he isn't dead yet, he'd wish he was.

i know he reads my blog :P and i know that the above was a resurrection of my coldly graphic male-bashing a la Sixth Form. yes, i knew precisely why most guys feared me. i know. there's prime example there. well, i don't care. all the better for him to know that he shouldn't humiliate and cross me that way unless he wants to be tortured and killed slowly and painfully and even more humiliatingly.

but he's an intelligent man :D with a past of his own. i'm sure he knows better ;)

Fire and Heat

they say if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

but what does one do when you want the food?

so badly that you'd brave the fire for the food?

one can only wish that one does not kill oneself in the process.

so, tell me.... where can i find fire repellent clothing?

Subconscious

it's one of the few times in her life when she could honestly say she was at a complete, total loss.

she wasn't sure what to say. what to do. what to think. even what to feel.

because this time it was different. and complex. and a dilemma in every sense of the word.

because it's not like no one gets hurt. it's just that it's no one's fault that it happened.

no one was to blame, and she knew it.

so what's there to do? what's there to say?

for hours and even days after that, she pondered the situation.

why did it hurt her? how does she feel? how would it change anything now? how to make things work?

funny how a slip of the subconscious could bring all the old insecurities to the fore, and cast new ones. was she good enough? smart enough? pretty enough? funny enough? kind enough? honest enough?

how to say what happened? how to bring voice to the nagging, unkind doubts turning cartwheels in her mind?

how to put all those aside, and just silence everything? stop everything? just take stock of what she had and work with it?

hopefully, this time around, with patience and honesty and kindness, and a lot of good, hard work, things would turn out for the best.

yet she still fears.

Insomnia

movement... in the depths of my subconscious.

movement... the clock ticks. it slows down for no man or woman.

movement... restlessness. sleeplessness.

movement... and yet unseen. i feel it in the tingle on my skin. in the things i see between sleep and wakefulness. that no man's land. subtle... but it's there.

and last night for some reason, i couldn't sleep. something's afoot, and i know it. 0100 hours. 0300 hours. 0500 hours. 0700 hours. finally. o sleep, tis a gentle thing, beloved from pole to pole. to mary queen, the praise be giv'n, she sent the gentle sleep from heav'n, that slid into my soul. 0800 hours. and i'm awake.

the answer's on the calendar.

dammit. gotta put old demons to rest. watch em shrivel like an overturned snail covered in salt. it has to be SO over. i ain't hittin' 27 with a deadweight of shit on my shoulders.

so i dug into the demon-infested recesses of my memories, and revisited old wounds today. i don't know why i do this, sometimes. but i feel that i must do certain things only when i'm ready, and as a test to ascertain that i truly am ready to lay all ghosts to RIP.

the carousel... has stopped spinning. i've gotten off, finally. i walk away, but as i do, i look behind one last time. it had been quite a ride. there is a lot of sadness, and some nostalgia, a little bit of fondness. but i know full well the ride is over. and this would be one ride i would really rather not get on again.

i guess this explains it best:

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later I get what I’m asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
The truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you (I'll always have you)

Sick of playing all of these games
It’s not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror didn’t deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could stop
Admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I’ve gotta be strong and leave you behind

If I live every moment
Won’t change any moment
There's still a part of me in you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do, oh

~Jordin Sparks, Tattoo~

the precipice... i realise now was a path i had to travel. a situation i had to experience to gain better insight into my own psyche. to better understand my motivations. the fall was painful and deeply depressing. but with it was a lesson so priceless, it was worth it all. to know who your true friends are, to realise why you make the mistakes that you do, is an epiphany that i would never give up now that i have the knowledge. self-knowledge is more potent than any other, perhaps because it is like taking one more step closer to God. He did, after all, make us in His likeness.

i have no regrets. the precipice happened for a reason, and even if the other party learnt nothing from it, i have done my part, and i have done my best.

this i walk away from without looking back at all. no nostalgia, no fondness, just self-awareness.

Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging the waters til the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember anything I said when I said,

Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding
Oh hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you've left to go?
She cries her life is like
Some movie in black and white
Dead actors faking lines, over and over and over again she cries

And I watched as you turned away
You don't remember, but I do
You never even tried
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again, oh

~Fuel, Hemmorhage~

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'M NOT SORRY THERE'S NOTHING TO SAVE...

~Stars, Your Ex-Lover Is Dead~

***
and as i toss and turn in my sad excuse for a bed last night, i wonder what the future has in store for me. so the demons are banished. what next?

this year has been difficult. yes i'm wiser now, i hope.

but all these just serves to tell me one thing. i know nothing. i can make no promises. all i have is me. and who i am now.

all of these just serves to remind me: i am of this earth. my life is not my own.

there is a greater power at work here. all i can do is plan. but whether or not my plans come to pass is not of my jurisdiction.

and i miss you. terribly.

have i ever told anyone: i find christmas a more subtly romantic event than valentine's? christmas is for family, and good friends, and cosy dinners. it's about passion and firelights. something of a reality rather than the candlelights of which dreams are spun.

and i miss you. terribly.

for one with such perpetual verbosity as i, the silence i find myself in now is plain insufferable.

and this christmas, words fail me.

so i suppose i'd just borrow janis gott's:

I know Santa is a friend of mine and he's always been good to me
Always treats me right every Christmas night puts things beneath my tree.
But the one thing I want him to bring has never been on his sleigh
It's always on my mind, a gift I'm hoping to find when I open my eyes on Christmas day

I want you to wrap your love around me like a big red Christmas bow
I want to feel your love surround me everywhere I go
And when the holidays are over no more tinsel, no more snow
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow

Take the stockings from the fireplace but leave the angel on the tree
To watch, protect and to direct your love straight down to me
Now close your eyes, here's my surprise, feel my heart if you need a clue.
It is yours alone for you to keep and to own in return I ask one thing of you.

I want you to wrap your love around me like a big red Christmas bow
I want to feel your love surround me everywhere I go
And when the holidays are over not a trace of mistletoe
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow

~Janis Gott, Big Red Christmas Bow~

and again... i miss you. terribly.

Fragments

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people. Sometimes it's the distance between oneself and his emotions. And sometimes it's between a fallen one and salvation.

**

Have you ever had one of those moments, when all you wanted to do was disappear? Just. Disappear. Into the swirling, churning vortex of oblivion. Get lost in a city of billions. Drown in a sea of faces. Hide in the darkest shadows. Be common. Be nothing. Faceless. Nameless. Soulless. Nothingness.

**

Endless: Destiny, Death, Dream, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destruction. Neil Gaiman is a genius. Dark, disturbing, but a genius nonetheless.

**

Boundaries...
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in. Life's messy.
That's how we're made.
So you can waste your lives drawing lines,
Or you can live your life crossing them.

There was a time I related so well with some of the lines from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd rather live my life building bridges rather than erecting walls.... so explain to me why at times I feel an overwhelming need to build up my defenses. I'm not into attacking, most times I prefer to be left alone. But that never really works. So to avoid being completely crushed, I've always had to be constantly cautious, even defensive. And when I let down my guard occasionally, experience has taught me that it is, more often than not, a very bad move. So over and over again, after each crushing defeat, the defenses go up, higher with each subsequent time, faster in its rebuilding, thicker and stronger. And then up go the armaments.

I wish this weren't so. But tell me, how do I balance self-preservation and building bridges? Perhaps someday I'd have my answer that's out of the box. But for now, it's a terrible quandary.

**

I'm guessing it's either make it, or break it.