Showing posts with label bitterness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bitterness. Show all posts

Sunday, August 24, 2008

My Empire of Dirt

Sunday, 24.08.2008. 0204 hours

My Empire of Dirt

Why do I sometimes despair so?

K asked me out tonight, and I just couldn't say no, tired as I was, lacking sleep as I was, imploding as I was.

The four walls were stifling me. We hadn't talked for awhile, and I just had to get things off my chest. Things I could tell only a handful of people. Things I just couldn't tell you or it'd send us both hurtling into a hopeless spiralling melange of emotions. And when things can't be solved face to face, we'd end up both lying in bed thinking wtf.

Well, I know I do.

The bad dreams do not help either. It's not just insecurity I feel. It's insecurity tinged with a certain amount of resignation.

I try to push all of these aside, but when figures of the past come out of the woodwork and stand tall, I can only feel so small.

Is this delirium?

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears

You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

~excerpt: Nine Inch Nails- Hurt~

Sigh...

Monday, January 07, 2008

while i've been away.....

was away at a WoW house... where all the comps are always in fully-utilised mode, so i didn't have much of a chance to blog despite my wanting to write about several things.

things are in full swing now that i'm back at work (:() but i still really wanna blog about the horny politician.

so an em-ian minister pulls a clinton.... and is considered a HERO cos he 'apologises' about it in public.... though how it's called an apology is beyond me.

what about it irks me?

statements such as 'she is a PERSONAL FRIEND' (hohoho) and 'unsure whether it was old or new'... right....
and his 'next course of action' has yet to be decided: 'I will think about it after meeting the press.' (and fucking 'em female press ppl silly? they're all personal friends)

and then the police are coming down on those who own/distribute the DVD.... HUH?? it's an offense... right...

here's the thing: if he were an opp leader, he'd be crucified downside up by now. and subject to all forms of verbal and what-not abuse on his character...

and really now, his being recorded fucking a 'personal friend' silly should be ample proof of a lack of moral credibility, and he should step down from politics gracefully.

even Clinton would probably have done so if such proof were circulated around the US of A, in, say, Arkansas.

in all seriousness, my bitterness with the ruling team aside:
i'm not saying it's right to invade one's privacy with recordings and such... it IS. but would there be such a crackdown and hue-and-cry on the invasion of privacy if it were, say, an artiste? or just an ordinary person like you or me? or if it were an opposition leader?

yes, temptations abound. perhaps the marriage has long been dead.... but he is STILL married. is it more right for him to maintain his marriage for the sake of posterity (and because it clouds the eyes of the public, therefore, making it easier to enter politics) and then fuck 'personal friends', or 'not-so-personal friends', rather than get a divorce and fuck 'friends' as a bachelor?

it's one thing to be a single man with a fuckbuddy. quite another to be a married/unavailable man with a fuckbuddy.

if you're a confirmed bachelor/bachelorette who doesn't pretend to want a relationship/emotional entanglement, it's a completely different ballgame than a man or woman who has ties that bind.

yes, he may be a good politician, leader of the people, one who does the duties of his office faithfully. perhaps. but betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust. if he were a good politician, etc. etc. then his error in judgment is one the people of his constituency as well as himself has to pay heavily for. which is very very sad... because in all fairness, he HAS been a good Minister of Health, in my opinion.

but fair is fair. pay for his error he has to. and firstly, he has a lot to make up for. to his wife and children, most of all, if they still mean a lot to him. if his marriage has long been over, then it's perhaps about time he stop the farce and file for divorce. if said 'personal friend' is someone he has long wanted to marry, then do so. it's better than living a lie. and lying to the public.

whether it were just a fling, or an emotional entanglement, is BESIDE THE POINT. it doesn't make his behaviour any more RIGHT. in fact, an emotional entanglement, makes it even sadder. because the poor woman AS WELL AS his poor wife has to suffer in silence for such a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time. how idiot politicians interviewed in the papers (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/1/6/focus/19931882&sec=focus) can make one less 'sinful' than the other just shows how SHALLOW and SUPERFICIAL some people are. and how they hold DOUBLE STANDARDS for different groups of people.

yes, after marriage, you may still meet another man or woman that you fancy. but is it RIGHT to pursue both at the same time? marriage is a CHOICE. it is a COMMITMENT. it means choosing to fuck one vagina or one penis for the rest of your fucking life (pun intended). it means keeping yourself emotionally, mentally and physically LOYAL to ONE PERSON until you die (or the marriage gets dissolved). it means RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY.

like a job: if you're working for someone, you may still find another job that you fancy. should you pursue both at the same time too? certainly not. you WOULD get fired. and you WOULD receive disciplinary action. but in marriage it's ok? shouldn't you suffer the same fate? isn't a person's tie to another person more important than a person's tie to a job? both are COMMITMENTS. why is one less important than another?

in an ordinary citizen, such behaviour is wrong. ordinary people suffer censure for it. in a politician holding office, does that make it OK? certainly not. perhaps we should make all politicians who say stupid things like that step down as well. because i'm deeply ashamed to hear such idiocy coming out of the mouths of our elected MPs.

but in all sarcasm for the ruling team:
perhaps i should join the party too, so i could fuck around with 20 year-old male gigolos at 50 and call them personal friends. and then still arrogantly say that i'm unsure about how old the tape was, just so ppl will think i 'masih bocor' at 50.

seriously. this place is going steadily downhill. it makes me sick.

the self-aggrandizement and egocentricity of emian politics and politicians sickens me. this just epitomises such disgustingly low-life behaviour.

and the datin.... what the fuck? 'trying to pull a hillary?' was the first thing i told the boy when i read the papers.

i swear by God's footstool and by the heavens, if the boy ever pulls a 'datuk CSL' on me, i'd:
a) call the courts on him and get him crucified.
b) empty his savings and make them MINE.
c) tie him up to a chair next to his own bbq pit, build a slow fire, cut up his stomach with a katana (yes, trust me, i know ppl who collects swords as a hobby), pull out his intestines slowly and start slowly roasting it over the slow fire (while he's still alive, yes...) while:
d) getting several HUGE-ASS STEROID-ADDICTED IRON-PUMPERS in gimp-suits to gang-rape his ass..
e) get all my friends to make a recording of said unwilling homosexual orgy
f) distribute said recording for FREE
g) carve some curses into his sorry penis with a blunt apparatus
h) castrate said sorry penis with said bloody blunt apparatus
i) by the time all that is done, if he isn't dead yet, he'd wish he was.

i know he reads my blog :P and i know that the above was a resurrection of my coldly graphic male-bashing a la Sixth Form. yes, i knew precisely why most guys feared me. i know. there's prime example there. well, i don't care. all the better for him to know that he shouldn't humiliate and cross me that way unless he wants to be tortured and killed slowly and painfully and even more humiliatingly.

but he's an intelligent man :D with a past of his own. i'm sure he knows better ;)

Friday, November 30, 2007

Fragments

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people. Sometimes it's the distance between oneself and his emotions. And sometimes it's between a fallen one and salvation.

**

Have you ever had one of those moments, when all you wanted to do was disappear? Just. Disappear. Into the swirling, churning vortex of oblivion. Get lost in a city of billions. Drown in a sea of faces. Hide in the darkest shadows. Be common. Be nothing. Faceless. Nameless. Soulless. Nothingness.

**

Endless: Destiny, Death, Dream, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destruction. Neil Gaiman is a genius. Dark, disturbing, but a genius nonetheless.

**

Boundaries...
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in. Life's messy.
That's how we're made.
So you can waste your lives drawing lines,
Or you can live your life crossing them.

There was a time I related so well with some of the lines from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd rather live my life building bridges rather than erecting walls.... so explain to me why at times I feel an overwhelming need to build up my defenses. I'm not into attacking, most times I prefer to be left alone. But that never really works. So to avoid being completely crushed, I've always had to be constantly cautious, even defensive. And when I let down my guard occasionally, experience has taught me that it is, more often than not, a very bad move. So over and over again, after each crushing defeat, the defenses go up, higher with each subsequent time, faster in its rebuilding, thicker and stronger. And then up go the armaments.

I wish this weren't so. But tell me, how do I balance self-preservation and building bridges? Perhaps someday I'd have my answer that's out of the box. But for now, it's a terrible quandary.

**

I'm guessing it's either make it, or break it.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Cerebral Haemorrhage

been reading a book on alternate history for the past weekend, which spurred me on to read up on african issues online. haven't done this in awhile, actually.

resulting in (in short): several papers on gender issues, changing masculinities, migrant labour and unemployment, apartheid and political violence, western medical deviations and biotechnological warfare (with regards to apartheid and ethnic-cleasing). generational conflict, the clash between too-rapid urbanisation and traditional practices, in relation to homeland construction at the turn of the 21st century, and ALL of THESE affecting (and inducing) transactional sex among African women (specifically those from KwaZulu-Natal) (guess this is what someone told me would be called 'freelancers').

it's FASCINATING.

IMHO, africa and asia has a richness in cultural and historical diversity which westerners either do not have, or have forgotten. rise and fall of civilisations, i suppose. assimilation, or annihilation? you are all brilliant people. you decide.

and i'm reminded once more of 13-year-old me. wanting to volunteer as a social worker in far-off Africa. though the issue then (which still remains, though, i hope, to perhaps to a lesser degree than almost 1 and 1/2 decades ago) was female genital mutilation (i.e.: for those who don't know: the cutting off of a young girl's clitoris and sewing up her vagina leaving a teensy-weensy hole just large enough for menstrual blood to flow through. and this done using the same razor and needle for say, 50 girls. UNSTERILISED.) PREDOMINANTLY MASCULINE (but terribly uninformed, perhaps in part due to 'masculinity'?) CULTURE can be SO BLOODY CRUEL. pun intended. and men can be such assholes. makes me wonder how men would like their assholes sewn up. then maybe these macho macho men would know how it feels to have something big pushing against a tiny hole, and being unable to stretch. -.-

yeah, i'm graphic. :P been told that countless times.

and i'm a feminist. i don't make any pretensions to being otherwise. just ask friends who've known me more than a year. or read the above warning. injustice riles me. injustice against women and children makes me burst my capillaries.

opinionated feminist, i am. not the bra-burning type. what a waste of good money. i like sexy lingerie. i embrace my sexuality and the fact that i am a woman and can make a man go down on his knees if i wanna. if he be good good boy, i'd go down on mine. ;) but i can be macho too. hurhurhur. more macho than three-quarters the guys i know. pussies, all. and i'd stick a red-hot cilipadi paste-coated iron-rod the size of texas up his asshole if he's behaving like a bloody CUNT. comprende? (;) can anyone say Graphic, again?)

back to south-african papers. i digressed real far there :P

i am reminded AGAIN. somebody tell WHY am i doing what i'm doing again? i shoulda gone and studied anthropology, or anything in the social sciences. would probably have been better suited for that. oh! yeah.... i forgot. malaysian social norm of the late 90s then. generational conflict, urbanisation (in this case, the advent of globalisation), technological development (or rather the PROMISE of it), changing masculinities and gender issues, the POSSIBILITY of homeland construction (the taxpayer-friendly results of which, leaves much to be desired... oops! i meant to say, optimistically remains to be seen *smiles politically correctly and saccharine-sweetly*) at the turn of Malaysian 21st century.

silly me. how could i forget. :)

what happened? they say life got in the way. why fight it when you can join it. cynicism and bitterness comes with age. wisdom does not. neither does maturity.

i should start applying for government jobs now. oh wait!!! they only reply you THREE years later... EARLIEST. and then they send u off to far-off places....

my ovaries would be totally fried by then. oh!! wait... there's always transactional sex, right?