My Empire of Dirt

Sunday, 24.08.2008. 0204 hours

My Empire of Dirt

Why do I sometimes despair so?

K asked me out tonight, and I just couldn't say no, tired as I was, lacking sleep as I was, imploding as I was.

The four walls were stifling me. We hadn't talked for awhile, and I just had to get things off my chest. Things I could tell only a handful of people. Things I just couldn't tell you or it'd send us both hurtling into a hopeless spiralling melange of emotions. And when things can't be solved face to face, we'd end up both lying in bed thinking wtf.

Well, I know I do.

The bad dreams do not help either. It's not just insecurity I feel. It's insecurity tinged with a certain amount of resignation.

I try to push all of these aside, but when figures of the past come out of the woodwork and stand tall, I can only feel so small.

Is this delirium?

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears

You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

~excerpt: Nine Inch Nails- Hurt~

Sigh...

strange happenings and appetite

what do i want to say here today?

lots apparently, except there's just too much to pen down.

it's been terribly busy at work, and things seem to be falling apart at the seams.

saturday night/ sunday morning was just downright freaky. and the terror seemed so palpably real. feeling like i got paralysed from the waist down on sunday afternoon felt all the more frightening.

i'm left wondering: what the hell is going on? and i have absolutely no answers.

thank god for the moments in between of meeting up with some friends to cheer me up.

at least the wedding was fun. and it was good to see hilarious self-deprecating penangites again. that kinda humour is rather rare in this big bad city. the longer one stays here, it seems the crueler one's sense of humour... or one loses it altogether. being down to earth is part art and part science, apparently.

he dropped me a bomb too. apparently i'm supposed to cook come october. yes, anyone of u who reads this and knows who i'm talking about, feel free to abuse him if you see him. :P i'm panicking here!!!!! i haven't cooked properly in at least 2 years, since the older brother left for penang. and that dish is freaking tedious! gah!

over the past one week, i've been told i inhaled my food three times. and i was introduced to new people three times by the title i believe i'm gonna be stuck with for a long long time. comments made over the week over my appetite:

Sunday, after church, to a friend's niece's newest toyboy:
she vacuums her food up... watch her go.. go... goooo!!!!
Reaction of poor fella: *inches away slowly from me*

*sniffs... i ho hurts ar!*

Tuesday, after trekking up to an area i detest to help a friend haggle over prices cos she can't bloody bargain even if her life depended on it, and she was inclined to buy me dinner as a result... trust me, the foochow side of her was definitely cringing in pure horror just to make that offer.

Over dinner, after i begged to order the large plate cos i was so darn hungry, and i've gone through more than half of it, while she barely reached one-third of hers:
did you just fucking inhale your food?! *very loudly*

my reaction: O.O I'm HUNGRYYYY!!!!

Thursday, when the pipe-cleaner-soap-picker came back from some godforsaken corner of the universe and asked us out for yumchar... and i ordered a plate of nasi lemak cos it was 9pm and i haven't had dinner:
wahhhhh!!!!! you breathe in your food ar!!!!
in front of complete strangers to boot.... after making certain 18SX comments about what transpired when they picked me up.

my reaction: O.O I'm HUNGRRRRYYYYYY!!!!! NO, you're NOT touching my ikan bilis!!!! RAWR!!! (:P) and shut up already! i don't know these ppl!!!!

*sniffs* who needs enemies with friends like these?

Sunday, after meeting a bunch of CGL girls... for the first time, apart from long-haired Serani chick. the girls went out for a nicotine break, leaving just me, and two others at the table. the roasted chicken dish came, and it tasted bloody good... when they came back, the girl sitting next to me demanded:
did you finish the whole chicken by yourself?!

my reaction: *gulps* NO!! there! there's half a chicken there!

so you finished HALF a chicken by yourself?

my reaction: errrrr...... there's half a chicken for you stilll........

:P i think i got my appetite back..... aiyooo... c'mon.... i was on porridge and plain food for the past 3 weeks......

:D it's nice to get my appetite back.... AND FUCK YOU ALL LAAAA... SO I LOVE MY FOOD :P

Pingpingpinging Myself Into Oblivion

I'm wondering if... I should learn to not wear my heart on my sleeves as much, if I should learn to keep my distance a little more...

That way, at least, I would be less dependent.

I'm tired. Of so many things. Guess it's time out.

Ping ping ping ping ping.........

Unfinished

There are times when you come to mind.

And I wonder about what you're doing and how you are. And yet I never pick up the phone to call, in fact, I might have forgotten your number now. Funny, because only recently, I still did. Someone asked me if I have mental blocks. And I wonder if you're one of it.

And I wonder, too, what it would be if we were still talking.

I wonder about the what ifs, what could bes, and what might have beens.

I also wonder, what we would say to each other if we ever do cross paths in the future. Would I recognise your face if I see you again? Would you remember me? Would we pretend we didn't see each other and walk away? Or would we stop to say hello, even stop for a drink for old times' sakes?

I've no business wondering. I did force myself to forget.

And its strange that, almost always, invariably, the memory of you visits me when I'm at my saddest. When episodes of my life flashes before my closed eyes like seasons from a sitcom. So clear it was almost like yesterday.

In a way, perhaps, you're one of my regrets, if I have any. Perhaps because between you and I, its unfinished business.

So many things left unsaid, so much emotions left unspoken, so much left unexplained.

Although, I could, in a way, conclude from the lack of communication, a form of closure in itself, still, it's different than hearing it from you.

But perhaps, that always was our issue in the first place. You never really did speak much, and for myself, then, being young as I was, neither did I.

Henceforth, I promised myself that I would speak my mind, at whatever cost, because when it comes to you and I....

I just regret how things turned out.

Fragments

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people. Sometimes it's the distance between oneself and his emotions. And sometimes it's between a fallen one and salvation.

**

Have you ever had one of those moments, when all you wanted to do was disappear? Just. Disappear. Into the swirling, churning vortex of oblivion. Get lost in a city of billions. Drown in a sea of faces. Hide in the darkest shadows. Be common. Be nothing. Faceless. Nameless. Soulless. Nothingness.

**

Endless: Destiny, Death, Dream, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destruction. Neil Gaiman is a genius. Dark, disturbing, but a genius nonetheless.

**

Boundaries...
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in. Life's messy.
That's how we're made.
So you can waste your lives drawing lines,
Or you can live your life crossing them.

There was a time I related so well with some of the lines from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd rather live my life building bridges rather than erecting walls.... so explain to me why at times I feel an overwhelming need to build up my defenses. I'm not into attacking, most times I prefer to be left alone. But that never really works. So to avoid being completely crushed, I've always had to be constantly cautious, even defensive. And when I let down my guard occasionally, experience has taught me that it is, more often than not, a very bad move. So over and over again, after each crushing defeat, the defenses go up, higher with each subsequent time, faster in its rebuilding, thicker and stronger. And then up go the armaments.

I wish this weren't so. But tell me, how do I balance self-preservation and building bridges? Perhaps someday I'd have my answer that's out of the box. But for now, it's a terrible quandary.

**

I'm guessing it's either make it, or break it.

on a cold rainy morning

i'm thinking:

wet hummus on a cold heavily-raining morning smells delightful.

sometimes familiarity breeds contempt, as much as absence makes the heart grow fonder.

sometimes i just wanna be alone. just for awhile. just to discover who i am.

sometimes i hate being a woman. sometimes i wish i were a man.

sometimes i whine so much, i'm disgusted with me.

i need a holiday. badly.

soft light cotton against the skin feels so darn comfy.

i wanna stay in bed. and do things on 400-threadcount sheets. because it's cold. and it's so wet outside. and i'd rather, much rather stay home in bed where it's warm, and where dreams are made.

i think i need to get back to a place where i can see trees that grow naturally, not get planted to give the place an ornamental look. what's happened to a beauty that's wild and wildly natural? i crave for that.

i'm tired. of many many things. of this fragile glittery superficial place most of all. it makes me shallow. it changes me. what if i don't recognise myself anymore if i stay here too long?

i think too goddamn much. and i speak my mind too goddamn much. i should just shut the fuck up sometimes.

i think i'm pms-ing. :(

What the eyes cannot see....

Project came in just before I came back in to work.

The moment I came back, there's a whole lotta stuff to do.

Been working like a dog these past few days, get back from work late and exhausted trying to rush the deadline.

It's good in a way. Will be too tired to let my mind wander.

However, I've been wondering why I've been sick so often since I moved to my new room. After some long due cleaning up, I found the culprit.

Fungi.... Wood fungi. Sighs.....

Oh this is just great... to top off everything....

I hate the physical manifestations of the see-saw of my emotional state. It's more than my body can handle, sometimes.

First, the breakouts, which is caused by weeks of stress. Then the bleeding, which is bad, considering I actually suffer from low-blood pressure and mild anaemia. This would be 2-3 weeks after.

I need to clean the cobwebs in my closet like I clean my room...
I need to get ALL the poison out of my system..... But...., how?

Can I not care what happens? Should I think of just ME for once?

I abhor living a lie. I can't do it.

I abhor secrets. I'm not the type to hide....

So...

Pondering, pondering.....

What to do? What to do?

These truths I hold to be self-evident....

Thursday, 21.06.2007. 1158hours.

Sick like a dog for days.
Slept in snatches.
Finally put all thoughts together.
And these truths I hold to be self-evident...

I take full responsibility for what I did,
and I shall bear that in solitude.
Tis now a question of honour.
Salvaging what is left is all I can do now.

Self-preservation requires looking after one's interest,
especially if the alternative is detrimental to one's well-being.

Sometimes there is greater courage in walking away from a futile situation,
then there is in staying in it.

Isn't it ironic how sometimes people let go of what they could have had,
for what they thought they had,
when they never had it in the first place?
And in the end they're left with absolutely nothing.
I suppose it's fitting.
They call it poetic justice.

There's a pattern in my relationships with destructive people.
How I can tolerate cowardice, self-absorption and spoilt behaviour.
How I dislike, but can understand selfishness.
But how sneakiness is something I cannot tolerate at all,
and is the ultimate crunch for me.

Complacency is the death knell of progress, society, everything.

I have waaayyy too much faith and hope in people in general,
much to the detriment of my sanity.

8 months is a long time to wait.
8 months is a long time to watch.
8 months is a long time to learn.
8 months is a long time to know.
Ultimately, 8 months is a long time.

It is foolishness to overestimate a person's faults,
and underestimate their virtues.
It is even more foolish to underestimate a person's capabilities,
while overestimating your own.

A foolish male will always assume that he is smarter than the smartest of women,
and attempt to outsmart her, much to his misfortune.

A woman, when she reaches a certain age,
will realise that if it was necessary for her to know anything painful,
she would find out soon enough.

And if it was a pain that could be spared her,
it was much wiser to do without.

That it was much wiser to be content not to share the pain of men,
for men do not share the pain of women,
nor do they even attempt to understand it.

Call me primitive, but in my experience,
any form of pain do not dull physical hunger,
but the consumption of food dulls pain.

Wasting affection on an emotionally-handicapped person,
is like burying yourself whole, as fertiliser,
and wringing yourself dry of tears, and sweat, and blood,
in the sands of the most barren of deserts.
It's a pointless exercise,
for nothing, absolutely nothing, will grow from it.

The purpose of dating isn't to find the "perfect" man;
it's to find the perfect combination made up of two human beings,
in relationship with one another.

Babyface put it so succinctly when he sang:
Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
and..
Sometimes a girl, is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world

Anywhere but here...

Saturday, 16.06.2007. 2332 hours.

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.

There's no more biting sarcasm,
no acrid cynicism,
no sharp witticism,
no painful bitterness.

We've reached our pinnacle, I suppose.

It's now or never.

We either make it or break it.

He can't let go. I'm not sure I know why. Perhaps, I'm not quite sure I want to know right now.

All I know is that what's been said and done cuts deep... very deep.

And it's very painful, and very difficult for me to stay.

Perhaps, with time, with effort, with patience, the wounds will heal.

I'm not sure how, I'm not sure when, but I can only pray that it be soon.

But for now...
We'll take each day as it comes.

Because right now...
I'm all out of words...
There's nothing left to say.

Except, perhaps...

I wanna be anywhere...
anywhere at all...
anywhere but here...

Journeys and Distances

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.
~The Painted Veil~

Spent last weekend at work, before Bobots called to meet up. And it was a pleasure to talk to the girl who looks and acts like a dumb blonde bimbo but sees more than she allows you to know. It's been too long since we actually sat down and had a proper conversation about life, love, the lessons we've learned and everything in between.

It's a conclusion we've both reached individually many times in the past:

That all through life's many catastrophes there would always be a self-preservation control mechanism called 'choice'. You choose how others affect you. You choose when to hurt. How to hurt. How much to hurt. How much YOU hurt. And finally how, and when to heal.

We all have choices. It differs from person to person, and from time to time. But it's there.

All these intertwine with the many depths of emotions and feelings we experience in this lifetime.

There's only so much we can take at one particular moment. Sometimes, we manipulate ourselves to deal with what we can take at that one time.

But really, like Bobots asked that evening:

How long can you wait?
How much will you give up?

We have only this one life to live. I'm quite sure James Brown had said something to this effect. I don't want to waste my life here.

I know too much. And I'm tired. I'm jaded.

I want to be Ms BimboExtraordinaireClingyBarnacle. It takes waaayyy too much effort to be Ms FullofPersonality. Where did the latter get me? It was never appreciated much. It still isn't.

Maybe I shouldn't even hope for much. I should be going for a hefty wallet rather than a man of Quality. After all, I've been told men go for nice looks and/or a fast fuck. I should therefore take a page from their book and go for nice looks and a hefty wallet. With an AMEX BLACK.

Fair's fair in a world of deceit, superficiality and melodrama, no?

Burn Out

I wonder if I'm burning out.

It's frightening when friends start coming to you for Aunt Agony advice and you're giving them like your mom would give it to you.

And you catch yourself saying all these, and you wonder: Shit.... I'm tired. I'm jaded. I'm old. I shouldn't be thinking like this. Not at this age.

When friends start calling you at 0100 hours to ask for advice about their jackass boyfriends, and you can give an almost immediate response... doesn't that mean you're getting waaayyy too old for your age?

When you begin to think that men should be careful, cos they just might get extinct, being replaced by aluminium stepladders, and electronic lawn-mowers (which they created cos they were too lazy to help out their womenfolk), dildos in a variety of sizes, shapes, colours and functions (which they created cos they would not allow their women to do any other dick but their own, or a silicone one. It's the old double standard, folks. Men sleep around, he's DA MAN. Women sleep around, she's a whore.), and sperm banks and fertility methods like IVF and ICSI (cos a man wants HIS baby. HIS. Not anyone else's.), you wonder if you're frighteningly irreverent when it comes to the common concept of family and relationships.

When you begin to think that you want them even less than you need them, and you already need nothing out of them, even your very jaded friend goes: Ouch! at that statement.

When you start to feel that guys are more trouble than they're worth, you really wonder if you're turning too cynical.