Random Tortoise Question

A totally random question on a Sunday night:

I wonder:

If a tortoise somehow fell on it's back, with it's feet in the air, if no one turns it back on its feet, would it die of starvation? How would it be able to get back on its feet?

Burn Out

I wonder if I'm burning out.

It's frightening when friends start coming to you for Aunt Agony advice and you're giving them like your mom would give it to you.

And you catch yourself saying all these, and you wonder: Shit.... I'm tired. I'm jaded. I'm old. I shouldn't be thinking like this. Not at this age.

When friends start calling you at 0100 hours to ask for advice about their jackass boyfriends, and you can give an almost immediate response... doesn't that mean you're getting waaayyy too old for your age?

When you begin to think that men should be careful, cos they just might get extinct, being replaced by aluminium stepladders, and electronic lawn-mowers (which they created cos they were too lazy to help out their womenfolk), dildos in a variety of sizes, shapes, colours and functions (which they created cos they would not allow their women to do any other dick but their own, or a silicone one. It's the old double standard, folks. Men sleep around, he's DA MAN. Women sleep around, she's a whore.), and sperm banks and fertility methods like IVF and ICSI (cos a man wants HIS baby. HIS. Not anyone else's.), you wonder if you're frighteningly irreverent when it comes to the common concept of family and relationships.

When you begin to think that you want them even less than you need them, and you already need nothing out of them, even your very jaded friend goes: Ouch! at that statement.

When you start to feel that guys are more trouble than they're worth, you really wonder if you're turning too cynical.

the Y chromosome Pt. 2, twisted relationships, marriages, and that kinda shit.

Monday, 11.06.2007. 1038 hours.

today, i was told that yet another friend is getting married. and i'm being invited. well, yay, can u feel my enthusiasm here?

well, lookie here. i'm not being a wet blanket. if the couple is realistically happy, yes, i'll be the first to send up my congratulations. i'll be genuinely happy. but THIS one... well, i'm not too thrilled. it'd be a waste of my angpao money.

i've seen my fair share, and been in my fair share, of twisted relationships.

and i can honestly say, i hate them.

let me give some real life experiences here. since it's the best way to describe anything, really. analogies. stories.

Scenario A

i know a guy. he's about 29/30. his best friend happens to be a pretty good friend of mine. let's call him Mr. A. after he broke up with, as he calls her, 'the girl he almost married', he ended up with Ms. Z.

she doesn't click too well with all his friends, doesn't really like his parents, but is very VERY nice in front of them. (well, duhhh... i also know how to act, right?) he whines to his friends about her, and the problems they have, so his friends say: break up with her laaa... does he listen? no. he thinks he can't find anyone better. so they continue their sad, twisted relationship.

ultimately, relationships either move forward or get waylaid, so the next logical move was to get married. his friends were against it, but he insisted: my parents like her. she'll change. we might be happy together. (uh-oh! 'might' is never good when paired with 'be happy together') so he married her. his friends wash their hands off of him. kinda. i mean, what can you do when someone doesn't wanna listen, yes? you can lead the horse to water, but you can't force the horse to drink.

within months they were fighting, and in the end, he moved out of the apartment they shared. now they're separated, pending a divorce. which isn't gonna be easy. takes years, and a lot of lawyers' fees.

what to say?

Scenario B

now here's an even better one.

let's call the guy Mr. B, and the girlfriend Ms. Y. now Ms. Y was fucking around with her ex boyfriend while her ex was seeing someone else. then, she got together with Mr. B. Mr. B knows she was doing the horizontal tango with her ex while he was seeing someone else, by the way. she did it rather publicly.

then within the first few months of their becoming a couple, Mr. B caught Ms. Y getting all pretzel-ly with her ex again. When confronted, she says they were 'just talking.' (of course! one organ was talking to another.)

but with all the begging and tears and sorries from both Ms. Y and her ex, he thought: ok, why not? except that he doesn't call, they do it LDR, and when they meet, they plan ahead. and no, they didn't sleep together for a couple of years.

he's rude to her, she attempts to control him. he goes out with other girls behind her back, but thinks she doesn't dare do the same. hmmm.... rewind her very open fucking of her ex-bf while he was seeing someone else. rewind the LDR and his not being too concerned when she calls or how often she does it. (interesting. somehow i'm sceptical.)

then Mr. B sleeps with someone else, in i deduce, a final attempt to break out of the relationship, and tells Ms. Y about it. Ms. Y says she has suspected for awhile, starts crying and then says, most bogglingly: 'i still love you, but not today...' strange.

what i also find even MORE odd is the fact that despite doing a course that doesn't require being in a hub of any particular profession, meaning she could work any damn where she wants, she chooses to stay where her ex-boyfriends are, and not where her boyfriend is.

i mean, seriously, how serious can a relationship that is based entirely on LDR can be? if she really wants/loves her boyfriend, is truly sorry she slept with her ex within a few months of a brand new one, and is really serious about making up for it, and keeping it alive, won't she want to be where he is? don't expect him to go to where u are. go to where he is, no? so why choose to stay far far away from him, when she could most certainly work where he is? yet another hmmm.....

now, when Ms. Y pushes Mr. B concerning the topic of marriage, he gets all pimply... then when asked: 'so do you love her?' there's a loooonnnnnggggg awkward pause, and then: 'maybe with time and patience, we'd be happy.' pressed again: 'do you love her?' again a loooong pause: 'i think so...' a third time, was given the best answer: 'she's..... there....' (riiiiight-oooo!!)

that's just the perfect recipe for a most successful marriage. and Mr. B doesn't want children with Ms. Y either.

again: what to say?

Scenario C

there's a girl. let's call her Ms. C. 26, successful engineer paid plenty of money, quite a beautiful woman. once upon a time, she could have had her pick of men in her hometown. except that, due to her arrogance, she made quite a name for herself.

so a few years back, she met an arrogant, pompous ass of a singaporean new boyfriend, whom she couldn't wait to show her girlfriends. apparently he earns an income within the 'upper tax bracket' (and i quote him verbatim from CNY 2006). her friends didn't think much of him at first sight. pompous, doesn't bother to be friendly at all, condescending. yes, very good way of making an impression.

he gets all riled when an old friend (guy) from school days puts a friendly hand on her shoulder to say 'hi'. he tells her she should've brushed the guy's hands off... !!! (wtf! mcp alert!)

when he gets jealous/angry/etc. she has to drive over to beg him to forgive her and stop sulking. ok....

now her mom is not too well, and wants to see her daughter married off. she's having problems with her in-laws, and her fiance isn't doing a single thing to help. her mother in-law demands a child within the first year of marriage. or else....

so she complains to her girlfriend. and her girlfriend calls daily to ask her if she's sure she wants to marry this particular mean (i mean, man. typo :P)

when asked if she loves him, she goes: mmm.... (long awkward pause) he's good to me.... riiiiiight......

honey, i'm good to her toooooooooo...... *bangs head against wall* MARRRRYYYYYYY MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**
see, i really don't get it. none of the people involved in all 3 scenarios are particularly ugly. well, they may be plain and not very good-looking, except for Ms. C, but still! why stay in a twisted relationship when you can find someone else who makes you happier? so both of you can actually be happy? the longer it goes on, the more painful it becomes. it's:

1. tiresome
2. troublesome
3. time-wasting
4. expensive
5. painful

for more than just the parties concerned. their friends have to hear their whining (1,2,3,4,5), their friends have to spend the effort trying to advise (1,2,3,4,5). their friends have to stand at the sides and watch, despite their best efforts to stop a massive tragedy from happening, them make the START of the BIGGEST MISTAKE of their lives (1,2,5,5,5,5,5). u think that's not painful to watch?

i have another friend, who was much luckier. she had parents in-law who were also frightful, but at least she had a husband who loved her. truly. when she wanted to break it off and go for a painful divorce, now, HER friends advised her otherwise: Are u sure? He's a good man. he stood by her. he stood up to his parents FOR her. he supported her. NOW THAT is a MAN. now THAT is a man worth standing by. he's a man worth WAITING for.

see, if i'm going to spend the rest of my life with u, go through sickness and health with u, for richer, for poorer, then at least let it be worth my effort. at least let it be worth my heartbreak. at least let it be worth my pain. worth my time. worth the rest of my life.

that man LOVED her. standing up to his parents FOR her was the ultimate test of his maturity and his devotion. now if SHE does something stupid, HER friends would give her a mouthful.

those 3 scenarios up there, which one of them can u feel the love? they all leave me graveyard-cold. explain to me again, which of the above is actually a relationship? i call it twisted and sad. and so very, very cold.

when Mr. A told his friends he was separating, none of them were surprised. when i was told about it, all i could think of to say was: oh... finally la. i gave them 1 1/2 years. tops.

u see, going out together and living together (not as housemates, but as a couple) are totally different. i can sit and talk to my housemates and not really care what happens to them. or i can go out with some friends and be really close, and yet know that there is absolutely no way we can actually live together.

living together as two separate entities sharing lives takes compatibility as much as complementariness.

it isn't as simple as 1+1=2.

i feel sorry for the parents. watching your children go through an ugly divorce cannot be easy. going through a divorce takes years so the courts can determine that it truly is irreconcilable differences. those years of lawyers' fees have got to be some hefty amount. arguing about property cannot be easy.

so explain to me again, why would people put themselves in such a horrendous situation?

Mr. B and Ms. Y might get married forever, though.

the indifference might be enough.

they can just be housemates married to each other. go to work, come home, fuck, grunt, turn over, sleep, wake up, go to work again.

after all, all Mr. B is aiming for is a dysfunctional marriage where both partners just do what they're supposed to, to get on with their lives.

he isn't looking for a life partner and a wife. he's aiming for a surrogate mother.

until and unless, of course, Ms. Y decides, in an attempt to get her then-husband's attention, to drop the Pill, and go against his wishes to not have children with her, and get pregnant.

then he'd stay by her side, but blame her for tying him down, and tell her she's gotten fat and ugly due to pregnancy. a likely scenario, considering that he can be cruel and a coward like that.

because isn't he already cruel and a coward now? the only reason he's with her, is because she's there. and she's with him because he's there, too.

Ms. C would suffer. but she might never go through a divorce. she likes appearances way too much. but she'd suffer, and she'd whine, and her friends would suffer, listening to her.

all of these just makes me want to vomit blood out of disgust. :(

Training, Dreams, Accountability

Sunday, 22.04.2007. 2358 hours.

Had training workshop yesterday. Something interesting came up in training. Big boss was saying that psychologically our value and belief systems could help us progress, or serve as limitations to hinder our growth.

I should list 10 of my values (and find out why I place value on these) and see if they limit or help me in my progress. I should also note if there is a shift in my value system.

I've been wondering about this of late myself. Why did I do what I did? Is there anything in my beliefs that limit me? Are my principles holding me back? Should I discard/ Have I discarded my values?

There's someone I know, whose approach to life saddens me. But is he right? Is he happy with where he is, and where he's going? Or is it just that he's never really given much thought to it?

I don't know, really. Let's see if BB's approach would help me find some answers. About myself:

Values:

1. Trust
2. Honesty
3. Reliability
4. Loyalty
5. Integrity
6. Responsibility
7. Accountability
8. Filial piety
9. Wisdom
10. Maturity
11. Understanding
12. Gentleness
13. Patience
14. Passion
15. Humility

Well, I'm not sure it helps. But, what the hell.

These are values I find important, which I seek to practise, and instil in myself, and I look for in others. These are values that, when I break them, I find myself breaking down as well.

Are these impeding my growth as a person? Limitting me in my search for success and happiness? Stopping me from holding on to things and people? Do these serve me? Or a greater purpose?

I slept in snatches last night. For the first time in a long time, I dreamt. Vivid, clear images. People I know. Fights. Children. A story. I couldn't remember it, except for the last thing before I woke to full consciousness. A drawing taped to a fridge:

Learn to live together.

I know not what it means. Seems I know very little of what things mean lately. I suppose it'd come to me eventually.

Little Boss remarked that I'm not my usual bubbly self. And yesterday, S mentioned the same to me. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. We're close enough, he's a man who notices things.
S: You ok, dear? You don't seem yourself. Everything alright?
N: Huh? What do you mean? I'm fine.
S: You sure? You just don't seem to be your usual bubbly self.
N: I need food. Hungry.
S: Ok...

S gave me a once-over and left it at that. That's one thing I like about him. He doesn't push me to give answers I don't want to give.

Was it that obvious, though? He says I've lost weight again. I know that, but I attributed it to work.

But now that I'm haemorrhaging again, I wonder if there's more to it.

Sleepless nights. My job's been keeping me busy. I get home exhausted and fall into bed. And sleep a dreamless slumber, most nights. I'm glad for it.

I feel like an empty well, lately. Drained, run dry. The source has stopped producing water, but water keeps getting drawn out of me till there's nothing left to give. That's how I feel. Drained, empty, used up. Weary and exhausted. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. I feel it to my bones.

Perhaps I hadn't had time to fully come to terms with what happened last. Everything happened so rapidly. And now this. It's all come together. It's like two constructive wave forms integrating. And I'm getting a double whammy.

More than twice in shock and force.

I wish I could just take off and go away alone for some alone time to search, reflect and meditate. To some retreat. Or to go home to be pampered. And scolded and fussed over. I am getting homesick.

But not now I can't. Too many responsibilities. The projects have all come in. It's a busy time.

Accountability. It's something I know. I'll have to put that off awhile.

Working myself to the ground seems the next best option for now.

**
24.04.2007. 0926 hours.

I asked Anne if it were so. She was among the few that has seen me recently. She said there seems to be some bitterness and frustration in me. I was quite shocked. I suppose it should be expected, but my friends didn't deserve the brunt of my frustration. This is my issue. My fight.

This is my cross to carry. My friends shouldn't have to shoulder my bitterness, or frustration or acute disappointment. It has to stop. It stops here. I can't. I wouldn't continue to propagate the vicious cycle. The chain of disrespect and mistrust and infidelity.

It goes against everything I believe in. Every goodness I hold dear.

apologies

this was a topic that was brought up when talking to a friend quite a while back.

and which was brought up again when talking to a friend via messenger today.

friend A mentioned about a woman who was raped in college, and then, after many years, after she's moved on, and so has he, her rapist was struck by a sudden bout of guilt and decided to get in touch with her and apologise.

when she first read the letter, she was terribly upset, and she thought she'd forgive him, and write back. but after a few letters, she figured: wtf? he caused me so much pain, i don't want him to get away with it. and she handed the letters to the authorities so that she could take proper legal action.

when that happened, he denied everything.

which brings me to this:

1) when you apologise for something, are you sincerely sorry, or are you just saying that to assuage your own guilt?

-> if you're really sorry, then be prepared for the other person's reaction to swing either way. you should be prepared to hear the other party's inability to forgive you. like the Dixie Chicks sing: I'm not ready to make nice.

-> what are you expecting, when you say: i'm sorry? to hear the other party say: it's ok? because it's not ok. are you assuaging your own guilt, or are you assuaging the other party's feelings?

-> saying sorry, just to assuage your own guilt, is being doubly selfish.

2) have you ever thought that the person has moved on, and doesn't want to remember what you've done to her? and when you do, after all that, you're just making her feel worse? you're opening an old wound and stuffing and rubbing a kg of salt into it. you were no longer on her radar. leave her alone. let her be. she's happy without you in her life. leave it that way. you wronged her. your guilt is justified. live with your own cross. or talk to a psychiatrist. find another way of closure that wouldn't affect her.

3) if you are willing to ask for an apology, be prepared for the consequences. be prepared to be punished for old sins. what, you only want the forgiveness without the retribution? if that's the case, how sincere was your apology in the first place?

i told someone months back:
when u've learnt to take responsiblity for your own actions and grow up and be a man, then maybe we can have a shot at being friends again. wanting to be friends under these circumstances is too much to ask for. till then, u made ur own bed, go sleep in it.

i'm afraid i'd have to say this to someone else again soon.

you see, maturity and wisdom does not come with either age or experience. it's learning from the painful lessons in life. it's taking responsibility.

the call of Nemesis

this is who Nemesis is, for those who don't know, or don't bother to find out:

Nemesis (in Greek, Νέμεσις), also called Rhamnousia/Rhamnusia ("the goddess of Rhamnous"), at her sanctuary at Rhamnous, north of Marathon, in the Greek mythology was the spirit of divine retribution against those who succumb to hubris, vengeful fate personified as a remorseless goddess. The name Nemesis is related to the Greek word νείμειν, meaning "to give what is due". The Romans equated one aspect of Greek Nemesis, which might be interpreted as "indignation at unmerited advantage", as Invidia (Aronoff 2003)

i don't call myself Nemesis for nothing. when i've made up my mind that enough is enough. when i've lost enough sleep over something. when i've been pushed to my limit. i am Nemesis. and i don't take no shit from no mortal man.

***
last friday someone pissed me off so much, my entire face went scarlet. and when i went off for dinner, and went to the ladies', i noticed little red spots all over my chest, and upper arms, right down to my bosom.

it looked like i had an allergy reaction to alcohol. except i hadn't started drinking yet.

yes, i got so angry, that i burst my capillaries.

that's when i thought: Enough. Enough is enough. I don't need this. From anyone.

***
i had a difficult childhood. i was emotionally and socially blackmailed and bullied as a child. it taught me 3 important lessons:

a) how to phase out.

b) how to be utterly shameless, and to not bother about the general public's opinions of me.

c) how to take full control of my own life.

these are lessons i learned young. it was so difficult, as i was so young, but it has served me well.

now i'm using it. because i have to.

***
on sunday, i found out something about someone i cared for that was totally unexpected, and that put me out of my misery of several months. it helped me reach my decision, immediately. swift as the blow of the guillotine. a decision i've been getting sick, and losing sleep over. a decision i had taken months agonising about.

do i want to lose a friend?

but now, the question is: was this person a friend to me?

no one runs circles around a goddess using a mediocre mortal. s/he better at least be hercules, or in hercules' league (a demi-god)

stupid, stupid jackass.

***
the wheels are in motion. the time is ripe to give what is due. retribution is in order.

the table is set for one last negotiation. it's time to make an offer.

if things don't work out, the blade would strike.

no one has the right to be selfish to such an extent. no one can be allowed to have such an unmerited advantage over everyone else.

***
if you've made your own bed, learn to sleep in it.

both of you.

the doormat is metamorphing into the goddess of retribution.

why is it that, for some twisted reason, what we want the most always seem to be what we screw up the most?

the fever

the fever

been sick these past few days.

woke up last night sweating, in a feverish stupor. disoriented. with a hollow feeling in my chest.

i should have gotten over him by now. why the dreams now? i thought i had put him out of my mind.

and i think i have a certain amount of success with that. conscious, contrived effort to push memories out.

there are things i've forgotten. things i used to remember without much effort which i've now forgotten.

maybe it's working...

then why? so many months, with some success, and suddenly a relapse. it's such a blow.

it's a sucker punch to my gut.

it makes me wonder whether i could look at him if i meet him somewhere by chance someday.

not yet. i don't think i could, as yet.

i hope he never finds out what he did to me. what he still does.

i don't want him to ever know.

let him always think of me as cold and sharp.

better that than this. this humiliates me.

it cuts too deep. it still cuts too deep.

Life

Life

Life. It's all about choices.

How do I know I'm making the right ones?

Is this the right job for me? Is he worth spending my time with? Should I continue what I've started, or should I just stop?

They say everything happens for a reason.
Does it? What's the point? What purpose could it possibly serve?

I think I'm burning out.

Perhaps I should stop fighting and start drifting. Would I have it easier if I did? Easy sounds so tempting right now.