the Y chromosome Pt. 2, twisted relationships, marriages, and that kinda shit.

Monday, 11.06.2007. 1038 hours.

today, i was told that yet another friend is getting married. and i'm being invited. well, yay, can u feel my enthusiasm here?

well, lookie here. i'm not being a wet blanket. if the couple is realistically happy, yes, i'll be the first to send up my congratulations. i'll be genuinely happy. but THIS one... well, i'm not too thrilled. it'd be a waste of my angpao money.

i've seen my fair share, and been in my fair share, of twisted relationships.

and i can honestly say, i hate them.

let me give some real life experiences here. since it's the best way to describe anything, really. analogies. stories.

Scenario A

i know a guy. he's about 29/30. his best friend happens to be a pretty good friend of mine. let's call him Mr. A. after he broke up with, as he calls her, 'the girl he almost married', he ended up with Ms. Z.

she doesn't click too well with all his friends, doesn't really like his parents, but is very VERY nice in front of them. (well, duhhh... i also know how to act, right?) he whines to his friends about her, and the problems they have, so his friends say: break up with her laaa... does he listen? no. he thinks he can't find anyone better. so they continue their sad, twisted relationship.

ultimately, relationships either move forward or get waylaid, so the next logical move was to get married. his friends were against it, but he insisted: my parents like her. she'll change. we might be happy together. (uh-oh! 'might' is never good when paired with 'be happy together') so he married her. his friends wash their hands off of him. kinda. i mean, what can you do when someone doesn't wanna listen, yes? you can lead the horse to water, but you can't force the horse to drink.

within months they were fighting, and in the end, he moved out of the apartment they shared. now they're separated, pending a divorce. which isn't gonna be easy. takes years, and a lot of lawyers' fees.

what to say?

Scenario B

now here's an even better one.

let's call the guy Mr. B, and the girlfriend Ms. Y. now Ms. Y was fucking around with her ex boyfriend while her ex was seeing someone else. then, she got together with Mr. B. Mr. B knows she was doing the horizontal tango with her ex while he was seeing someone else, by the way. she did it rather publicly.

then within the first few months of their becoming a couple, Mr. B caught Ms. Y getting all pretzel-ly with her ex again. When confronted, she says they were 'just talking.' (of course! one organ was talking to another.)

but with all the begging and tears and sorries from both Ms. Y and her ex, he thought: ok, why not? except that he doesn't call, they do it LDR, and when they meet, they plan ahead. and no, they didn't sleep together for a couple of years.

he's rude to her, she attempts to control him. he goes out with other girls behind her back, but thinks she doesn't dare do the same. hmmm.... rewind her very open fucking of her ex-bf while he was seeing someone else. rewind the LDR and his not being too concerned when she calls or how often she does it. (interesting. somehow i'm sceptical.)

then Mr. B sleeps with someone else, in i deduce, a final attempt to break out of the relationship, and tells Ms. Y about it. Ms. Y says she has suspected for awhile, starts crying and then says, most bogglingly: 'i still love you, but not today...' strange.

what i also find even MORE odd is the fact that despite doing a course that doesn't require being in a hub of any particular profession, meaning she could work any damn where she wants, she chooses to stay where her ex-boyfriends are, and not where her boyfriend is.

i mean, seriously, how serious can a relationship that is based entirely on LDR can be? if she really wants/loves her boyfriend, is truly sorry she slept with her ex within a few months of a brand new one, and is really serious about making up for it, and keeping it alive, won't she want to be where he is? don't expect him to go to where u are. go to where he is, no? so why choose to stay far far away from him, when she could most certainly work where he is? yet another hmmm.....

now, when Ms. Y pushes Mr. B concerning the topic of marriage, he gets all pimply... then when asked: 'so do you love her?' there's a loooonnnnnggggg awkward pause, and then: 'maybe with time and patience, we'd be happy.' pressed again: 'do you love her?' again a loooong pause: 'i think so...' a third time, was given the best answer: 'she's..... there....' (riiiiight-oooo!!)

that's just the perfect recipe for a most successful marriage. and Mr. B doesn't want children with Ms. Y either.

again: what to say?

Scenario C

there's a girl. let's call her Ms. C. 26, successful engineer paid plenty of money, quite a beautiful woman. once upon a time, she could have had her pick of men in her hometown. except that, due to her arrogance, she made quite a name for herself.

so a few years back, she met an arrogant, pompous ass of a singaporean new boyfriend, whom she couldn't wait to show her girlfriends. apparently he earns an income within the 'upper tax bracket' (and i quote him verbatim from CNY 2006). her friends didn't think much of him at first sight. pompous, doesn't bother to be friendly at all, condescending. yes, very good way of making an impression.

he gets all riled when an old friend (guy) from school days puts a friendly hand on her shoulder to say 'hi'. he tells her she should've brushed the guy's hands off... !!! (wtf! mcp alert!)

when he gets jealous/angry/etc. she has to drive over to beg him to forgive her and stop sulking. ok....

now her mom is not too well, and wants to see her daughter married off. she's having problems with her in-laws, and her fiance isn't doing a single thing to help. her mother in-law demands a child within the first year of marriage. or else....

so she complains to her girlfriend. and her girlfriend calls daily to ask her if she's sure she wants to marry this particular mean (i mean, man. typo :P)

when asked if she loves him, she goes: mmm.... (long awkward pause) he's good to me.... riiiiiight......

honey, i'm good to her toooooooooo...... *bangs head against wall* MARRRRYYYYYYY MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**
see, i really don't get it. none of the people involved in all 3 scenarios are particularly ugly. well, they may be plain and not very good-looking, except for Ms. C, but still! why stay in a twisted relationship when you can find someone else who makes you happier? so both of you can actually be happy? the longer it goes on, the more painful it becomes. it's:

1. tiresome
2. troublesome
3. time-wasting
4. expensive
5. painful

for more than just the parties concerned. their friends have to hear their whining (1,2,3,4,5), their friends have to spend the effort trying to advise (1,2,3,4,5). their friends have to stand at the sides and watch, despite their best efforts to stop a massive tragedy from happening, them make the START of the BIGGEST MISTAKE of their lives (1,2,5,5,5,5,5). u think that's not painful to watch?

i have another friend, who was much luckier. she had parents in-law who were also frightful, but at least she had a husband who loved her. truly. when she wanted to break it off and go for a painful divorce, now, HER friends advised her otherwise: Are u sure? He's a good man. he stood by her. he stood up to his parents FOR her. he supported her. NOW THAT is a MAN. now THAT is a man worth standing by. he's a man worth WAITING for.

see, if i'm going to spend the rest of my life with u, go through sickness and health with u, for richer, for poorer, then at least let it be worth my effort. at least let it be worth my heartbreak. at least let it be worth my pain. worth my time. worth the rest of my life.

that man LOVED her. standing up to his parents FOR her was the ultimate test of his maturity and his devotion. now if SHE does something stupid, HER friends would give her a mouthful.

those 3 scenarios up there, which one of them can u feel the love? they all leave me graveyard-cold. explain to me again, which of the above is actually a relationship? i call it twisted and sad. and so very, very cold.

when Mr. A told his friends he was separating, none of them were surprised. when i was told about it, all i could think of to say was: oh... finally la. i gave them 1 1/2 years. tops.

u see, going out together and living together (not as housemates, but as a couple) are totally different. i can sit and talk to my housemates and not really care what happens to them. or i can go out with some friends and be really close, and yet know that there is absolutely no way we can actually live together.

living together as two separate entities sharing lives takes compatibility as much as complementariness.

it isn't as simple as 1+1=2.

i feel sorry for the parents. watching your children go through an ugly divorce cannot be easy. going through a divorce takes years so the courts can determine that it truly is irreconcilable differences. those years of lawyers' fees have got to be some hefty amount. arguing about property cannot be easy.

so explain to me again, why would people put themselves in such a horrendous situation?

Mr. B and Ms. Y might get married forever, though.

the indifference might be enough.

they can just be housemates married to each other. go to work, come home, fuck, grunt, turn over, sleep, wake up, go to work again.

after all, all Mr. B is aiming for is a dysfunctional marriage where both partners just do what they're supposed to, to get on with their lives.

he isn't looking for a life partner and a wife. he's aiming for a surrogate mother.

until and unless, of course, Ms. Y decides, in an attempt to get her then-husband's attention, to drop the Pill, and go against his wishes to not have children with her, and get pregnant.

then he'd stay by her side, but blame her for tying him down, and tell her she's gotten fat and ugly due to pregnancy. a likely scenario, considering that he can be cruel and a coward like that.

because isn't he already cruel and a coward now? the only reason he's with her, is because she's there. and she's with him because he's there, too.

Ms. C would suffer. but she might never go through a divorce. she likes appearances way too much. but she'd suffer, and she'd whine, and her friends would suffer, listening to her.

all of these just makes me want to vomit blood out of disgust. :(