the fever

the fever

been sick these past few days.

woke up last night sweating, in a feverish stupor. disoriented. with a hollow feeling in my chest.

i should have gotten over him by now. why the dreams now? i thought i had put him out of my mind.

and i think i have a certain amount of success with that. conscious, contrived effort to push memories out.

there are things i've forgotten. things i used to remember without much effort which i've now forgotten.

maybe it's working...

then why? so many months, with some success, and suddenly a relapse. it's such a blow.

it's a sucker punch to my gut.

it makes me wonder whether i could look at him if i meet him somewhere by chance someday.

not yet. i don't think i could, as yet.

i hope he never finds out what he did to me. what he still does.

i don't want him to ever know.

let him always think of me as cold and sharp.

better that than this. this humiliates me.

it cuts too deep. it still cuts too deep.