Peace

Wednesday, 23 September 2009. 2059 hours.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. And the reason will reveal itself in due time. Also that things will fall in place when you're ready for it.

Today I ran into someone I haven't 'ran into' for more than 3 years. Yet I was in love with him for 6 years. Funny. We used to 'run into' each other often enough.

I find that it is indeed a blessing to be able to stand tall, look him in the eyes, greet him by name and say 'Hi'. And to find that you don't blubber, or stutter, or blush, or gasp, or feel little butterflies. But that you're calm and at peace with yourself. When asked 'How are you?', you can actually smile and say 'I'm good, thanks.' and mean it, and be able to walk away without looking back. Because you are.

You're comfortable with who you are, where you are and where you're going, and happy with your life in general.

And all you feel when you look at your recently married former heartbreak is a mere slight twinge of nostalgia for the days when you could share a meal and laugh at inane things that strike your fancies, knowing that those days are no more, and not regretting it.

Knowing also that you've known for a pretty long while that he wasn't meant for you, and being alright with that knowledge.

Epiphanies

It's been a crazy year...

I've done so many things I never expected I'd be able to do.

In my personal life.

At work.

Day-to-day living.

The things I've done.

It amazes me.

The things I've yet to do.

It excites me.

I guess this is what it means, to be letting go, and to just live.

Live and let live, they say.

And it's exhilarating.

Granted I can't do it all, or take it all in at all times.

But I figure... what's important is that I'm trying.

And ultimately, the journey is as important as the destination. If not more.

Signing off now: Good night.

In the Last Single Digit Year of This Millennium

I decided to do something I've never done before.

Mountain-climb. How did this happen?

A friend called up last night to ask if I'd like to go climbing today. Well, I've never tried rock-climbing, even in a gym. But I figured, I'd like to try this, before I reach 30.

So I did. Although I got more than I bargained for.

When we got to Melawati, and he showed me the mountain range.. I was stunned: That's what we're gonna be climbing?! I quite nearly chickened out... except for the fact that I reminded myself I'd really like to try that at least once. Get out of my comfort zone and try something new.

2009... the last single digit year of this millennium... would be the Year of Yes. Personally for me.

There were sooooooooooo many people today. My friend was really annoyed enough to say: Maybe we should go to the waterfalls instead. But we trudged on anyway. It did affect our climb, we had to stop many times cos I didn't want to get in the way of other more experienced climbers.

It was a challenge... and initially I went quite slowly, my arms and legs felt unsteady, never having done this before, and not having first warmed up much. But the thing about Bukit Tabor is... once you start climbing... you have to continue all the way before you get down. Going back was more difficult than moving forward. So onwards I went... and after stopping for the longest time at the second peak due to the number of people going back and forth there (so much so that I told my friend: We could have a canteen here....) and finally crossing it, I started to feel better.

My main concern was slipping and falling, though... and to be honest I was quite scared to see the increasingly heightened distance between myself and the ground as I trudged upwards. My shoes were an old pair, and what I was worried about was the amount of gravel. Gravel caused the ground to be 'slippery'. I was careful to test the ground before I found a proper foothold so as not to slip and fall to certain death below.

It didn't help my nervousness that every now and then there were notices stuck here and there with regards to accidents occurring, especially with the 'abseilling' route that we had decided to take. Apparently a college girl of 23 had fallen down 100m - 150m below into the ravine because her hand had slipped off the rope. I managed my first abseilling, however, thanks to my friend, and some kind strangers who gave me some pointers on how to glide and move my way slowly down.

It got rockier as I went further up, but the rocks were large, and the spaces between footholds were further and further apart. By the time I got to the 3rd peak, I was quite exhausted and relying on isotonic drinks to keep me going. Another group were there, and they had a few women in the group, quite frightened (and rightfully so) of climbing downwards and sideways before moving on to the next peak. They kindly let my friend and I move on first, so as 'we can help you assess as you get down'.

I was like.. ARGHHHHHH when I found out that there were FIVE peaks to conquer... apparently J didn't tell me that and I only found out when I asked: Are we near yet? And one of the guys in the group answered: There are 2 more to go, you're at number 3. Me: Errrrkkkkkk........

So I started climbing downwards... and one of the men of the group said: 'Hug the rock, hug the rock' and so I replied 'Sure, yeah, the rock's my boyfriend, right?' They were terribly amused by my comment. Me, I hugged the rock for dear life. The rock WAS my boyfriend at that moment, as I tried to find a foothold as I moved slowly down. Looking back now, it WAS a funny thing to say. I suppose in the face of extreme danger and pressure, I find comfort in humour.

We crossed the 3rd peak and moved on to the 4th... This was the one that frightened me most. There was no way I could go back now, but the rocks were smooth with few footholds. I took a deep breath. Move on, honey. And climbed. J waited for me and watched as I made my way up. Holding on to a huge rock, I was wondering how to get up there, I'd have to utilise upper body strength to push at least half my body up the rock to clear this one climb.... and possible death lay below me if I failed and fell off. So I said a prayer, and hauled myself up with all my strength. And cleared. I looked at J and he looked at me: You ok? Me: Tired, I hope we're near, cos I'm getting really tired. I was running out of juice....

We moved forward, and right before us was a huge rock with red paint on it: Jesus (heart) U... I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the sight, and said to J: Amen! Amen to that! And why not? Just 2 mins ago I was hanging off a cliff-drop... I said to J: When life is hanging by a cliff (literally here!), there is no way else to go but up! Brings new perspective to things, doesn't it?

The rest of the climb was a little easier. It was less gravelly, more level. Reaching the top.... the 5th and final peak.... felt like a HUGE achievement. I was proud of myself, and so was my friend :) What did I say when I reached the peak? I've been a really good girl today :P and then I faced KL and said a little prayer. When I see the wondrousness of God spread before you like a moving, living painting, I couldn't help but feel like such a tiny speck in the larger scheme of things. And yet I have my place, just as the circling swallows before me. Breathtaking. How Great Thou Art :) The Master Painter, The Master Sculptor. In Him, All things are Perfect. And Beautiful.

It was quite an adrenaline rush, really. When I hit level ground, I felt like I was tipsy, close to drunk. I felt light-headed, woozy. My whole upper body was flushed red. My upper body was swollen, even. My arms and hands definitely were. Took some time for the 'swelling' to go down. I had the sensation of flying. It was probably better than sex, even. I guess I know now why some people bungee jump, eh?

Yes, I got me a few nice cuts and bruises, and I rushed down after that cos I was hungry and wanted to weewee. :P And I'm not sure I can walk tomorrow. HAHAHA.

Some pictures here on my crazy adventure today. Taken from TheTrekkers.blogspot.com.

What I climbed today.

The first abseilling. Where the college kid had fallen down.

The entire route I took.

epic fail

the sleepless nights. waking up during the witching hours. i hope they'd end.

last night was probably our last big fight. i can't do the friend thing. not now anyway. each time the wounds would re-open all over again. stuck in relationship limbo... what's the point? can't talk like friends do, can't talk like lovers do. neither here, nor there.

he hasn't learnt. going back to his old blogs when he wrote about how the girl he was going out with then got upset because he ignored her as he was trying to close shop at 3am and she pulled a big drama on him. women... they just wanna know u take notice. that even if u put them off, u don't put them off for too long. and u'd remember and care enough to return as soon as you can. simple. it's not that hard to say: work. tty when done. and u do. call when u're done at work, that is. not after u finish work, go yumcha with friends for 2 hours. and by the time u get home all u wanna do is pass out. was it any wonder she was pissed then? and i was pissed when we were together? that blog was what, 2003, 2004? 4 years later, it's the same thing. except it's now me. and i do it mostly during normal people's hours, meaning wake up around 8am, sleep around 11-12pm.

my mistake from the start, was giving him too much leeway. compromising too much. 

oh, you can't make it down? :(:(:(:(:( why? work? :(:(:(:(:( ok lah :( i come up lor....

why can't you make it down this month? :( no money? :( sighs.... ok lah :( i come up lor.....

and so i do, i fed myself to a relationship that had an imbalance of power from the start. i gave too much, demanded too little. in any close relationship there has to be give and take. he took too much, gave too little in return. time, bridging the distance- affection, attention, appreciation. very little were given.

first i argued about it... then he says i don't understand. so i tried. and i took it lying down. now he says where did the girl he fell in love with went? the one who wouldn't take anything lying down?

i wonder now, though... if he could have given that girl who wouldn't take anything lying down what she wanted to be happy. she would have:

1. insisted he came down at least once a month like he promised to at the start of the relationship. made time for it. not just come down and spent time (inclusive of sleeping) for 7-8 hours and head back up. that's a rubbish trip. insisted that he take leave if he had to to spend time with his then very new gf. because if he can't spend the necessary amount of time with a girlfriend, he has no right to have one in the first place.

2. whether or not money was tight, the relationship should have been priority. and the necessary trips to be made to bridge the gap would be priority. if he knows that money would be tight for a certain month, he should save up on it, scrimp from other places like he would if he really really really wanted that souped-up gaming mouse. spent less on movies, yumchas, drinking, other activities. instead of just saying: money's a bit tight for me this month. i can't come down. maybe u can come up instead? well, i was a fool. i came up. that spitfire i was would have said: NO. if we mean anything to you, you save up and come down. after all, he could say it to me, so why can't i? if you can dish it out, make sure you can take it in. 

3. she would've given him 3 chances to decide on how to work out the relationship and stick to it, instead of the: i don't knows and the i'm not sures and the maybes and the let's just trys and the give it some times. she would've given him 3 chances and once those were up and nothing much has changed, she would've tossed him out the door. but i was foolish. and love made me blind. and so i stayed. again and again and again. AND again. until i'm a complete wreck and i've almost forgotten who i was. till he was caught red-handed and reality slapped me in the face.

sacrifices cannot just be a one-way street.

i should not have. 'cos this boy... he can dish it out, but he can't take it in. his ego wouldn't let him. there's just 'me' in his universe. there's only 'we' when it's convenient for him, suited him.

he says i was the one who called it off. how not to? when it's not working? when i'm a reservoir that he has drained dry to nourish himself but put little water back in? with each usage, more was taken out, less was being put back in. just because one person was the one to call it off, doesn't mean that the person hurts any less. perhaps the person hurts even more. i called it off as a means of self-preservation. to protect myself. so that he could stop hurting me. so that i'd stop crying every damn night over his broken promises, his half-truths, his lack of conviction, his need for constant understanding, support and affection, but little understanding, support and affection in return, his need for instant gratification. i called if off, yes. was i supposed to bleed myself to emotional death before he was happy?

he says i set a time-limit for him. i waited a year for him to fix himself, to regain the confidence and conviction i had glimpsed when we first met. yet he can't seem to find his footing. yet he dallied. was i supposed to wait for him forever and put myself on the backburner while he did the Melbourne shuffle? he wanted me to move north to where he was. how was i supposed to without a suitable job? while he was at the job that took him away from me 95% of the time? was i supposed to make the biggest sacrifice ever for a relationship that was shaky by month 3? was i supposed to sacrifice everything before he was willing to make any major ones for me? that was unfair. and he knows it too. he just wouldn't admit it. yes, i set him a time-limit. because i will be 28. he will be 34. we don't have forever to waste. and if he doesn't feel any urgency whatsoever, he'd be shuffling along as he had for the past 9 years. if he wishes to do that, it's his choice. but i can make other choices.

so yes, he can be angry that at least i held my ground where it mattered most to me. he can think i'm an ultra-dramatic psycho bitch. possessive, jealous, demanding. he can call me all the names he want when he's angry just as he has been doing all this while. so be it. he tells me to go fuck myself. unfortunately for him and for me, i've been doing that all this while. because he has hardly been around. would it make a difference? yes, of course, some. but still...

it wasn't the first time he's said that to a girl: go fuck yourself. words of war he can't retract. i'm only wondering why, more often than not, he only realises he needs to fix himself once everything has turned to ash. once the whole town is razed to the ground, and salt has been tilled into the earth. when the whole town is barren wasteland for him. maybe months or years later, then he'd ask: what went wrong? ashes to ashes. dust to dust. the question should've been asked during the relationship: what's going wrong? but that's just what i think. he probably feels differently.

as for me, i wonder why at 28, all i've got to show for my meagre love life is a string of epic failures. was he the worst? hell, no. then again, perhaps if we'd had stayed in the same town, we'd have been friends but never lovers, instead. he always was a better friend after all.

what do i think? personally?

mistake number 1. i let myself get swallowed up by the relationship. he gave many many excuses for avoiding life, for loving me correctly. he said i was not understanding. so i tried so hard to be. every time he didn't do something, i compensated for it. i should've made him take ownership and responsibility of the relationship as well, instead of doing it all on my own.

i should have insisted that he acted like a boyfriend. a real boyfriend. and not made excuses. because i am worth it. i am worth every penny he saves to see me, all the time he had to spend to come down and look me up. because i'm worth it.

unfortunately, i let my self worth drown because he made me feel small. maybe because he felt small, so he tried to make me feel like that too. i shouldn't have fallen for that. i shouldn't have allowed him to make me feel that way. but i loved him, and love is blind.

i should've kept my self worth intact. felt big about my self-worth. so maybe he could feel big, too. and if he didn't wanna feel big and still wanted to feel small, i should have left him. and not allowed him to persuade me to stay.

i should have left him. because he didn't want to help himself, because he was avoiding life, because he was avoiding love. and because i deserve better. because i'm worth a whole lot more than half-heartedness.

that was my mistake.

Solitude

I've found what I came here for.

In the jungles, hearing the jungle sounds I've missed so much, I realise how much we take the things we love most in life for granted.

The greenery that brings peace into my heart.

The cacophony of jungle noises that moves you to stop and listen, rather than the sounds of busses and cars and other random vehicles during peak hour traffic.

The big fat ant scurrying around with food for the nest.

That dragonfly with purple wings.

The mountain stream. So clear, you can see the rocks at the bottom. So cold, like only mountain stream can be. So sweet to the taste too, no scent of chlorine at all.

How I miss nature. How I miss home. How the hustle-bustle of living in the big city in a concrete jungle has stressed me out beyond belief I haven't been able to think straight.

We all need a break once in awhile. To look after ourselves. To stop and smell the roses. Or the hummus, in this case. How to look after anyone else when we ourselves are a complete mess?

I hiked out to the sea. And oh... it was beautiful. When I reached the hanging bridge over the meromictic lake, I could only pause and take a deep breath. And I took it all in. The huge rocks. The delta. The sea stretching away before me. The lake where seawater and freshwater does not mix. The mangrove trees behind me. The white sand. I was stunned. It was a beauty that went beyond words.

And my heart sang a song. Finally. I laughed. I cried. I wanted to do a little dance :)

So I went to play. Screw the twisted ankle. Let's climb rocks. Oh... let's pick seashells on the seashore. Let's dig our hands deep into the sand and feel the grainy texture of the sand. Remove the sneakers. Feel sand beneath our feet. Feel the rocks. Texture, texture, texture. Lovely texture. Oh! A crab! It's quite a big one! Let's catch it and take it home! :D Oohhh... it's perfectly camouflaged for the sand. If it hadn't moved, we wouldn't have seen it :)

I saw a sea otter. It was amazing. It flopped out to the beach, it's shiny coat gleaming in the hot sun. It stood on it's hind legs and peered out to the beach. I tried getting closer for a closer look, but then it spun around, and flopped right back into the sea. It's an omen. Of what, I don't know, but how often do you see a sea otter? 

I sat on a huge rock boulder, the waves crashing around me. I watched the tide get higher and higher. I watched the waves drown/ bury a rock as the tide gets higher. And yet the fact that there was a rock there is still an interference to the waves, and it affected their pattern.

What lies buried doesn't mean there's no effect... there's always something to learn from nature. I'm sure Newton knows that :)

So I sat on that boulder and watched the waves. Watched and heard them crash around the rocks on which I sat. Watched and heard them crash and lap against the shore. Watched and heard them as they sent sea spray towards me. And I found balance. And peace. I felt so insignificant at that moment. And yet so blessed.

The bottom half of a black bikini floated up along with the waves... The sea takes everything. What are my troubles compared to the lives lost in the tsunami? They seemed to pale so much in comparison, in perspective. And yet, everything works the way they should. Everything has it's place, it's time, it's reason. I'm significant, yet insignificant. Insignificant, yet significant. I have my place here, even if it's lowly. I have my part to play.

So I sat on that boulder and watched the waves. Heard the forest song behind me, and the sea song before me. And the wisdom of the wind and the waves and the forest spoke their ancient wisdom to me, and deep in my heart, I understood. And was glad. And so I opened my mouth and sang His praises out loud: How Great Thou Art! It was apt. It was appropriate.

It was a new year: a new start, a new beginning. 

It was worth it: the long hike there and back. Straining myself to achieve. The initial exhaustive push. Worth every drop of sweat: 1 1/2 hours there. 1 1/2 hours back. It was all worth it.

Old histories would be buried, and even if it has its effects, there's something to learn from it. I did what was right, heeding my intuition and heading out here, twisted ankle and all. It was right to find balance and peace. To be with family. To hear the ancient wisdom whispered to me in nature's call.

Even if my head doesn't understand, my heart of heart does.

**

The Sea Otter as a totem:

Otter is the animal totem associated with the Rest and Cleansing Moon. The otter is one of the most playful animals in the wild.

Otters have warm and active home lives. both parents assist in raising the young who stay with them longer than the young of most wild animals. Otters are ardent companions to each other. A mate will mourn the death of his or her companion.

Because of the otters' exemplary home life, nobility, curiosity, inventiveness, and playfulness, Native people recognized the power of the otter. Some of the most powerful medicine bags in certain tribes were made from the fur of otters. Otter medicine is so strong to some tribes that it is secret until you reach a certain degree of initiation.

Working with otter can teach you about playfulness, nurturing, originality, inventiveness, nobility, curiosity, humanitarianism, companionship, and child rearing.

Native American peoples have long admired the otter as a strong protector of family. The otter is also a powerful symbol of ‘woman medicine’ and female energy. 

Sea otters pups will haul themselves out of the water and 'rest' on their mother's stomach while she floats on her back. Curiosity, empathy, and grace are three more characteristics with which we associate and identify the otter. 

As an animal totem and spirit guide, the otter symbolizes speed and agility. It teaches us that play is an important aspect of life. Watching otters, adults and pups chasing each other and sliding down banks head first, or lying on their backs chirping and chatting to each other, it’s easy to see why they continue to symbolize joy, fun, and mischief wherever we’re lucky enough to observe them.

Laodicea

I had planned to head up North to spend some time with then-bf for Christmas and New Year, although I was afraid last year's New Year incident would repeat itself. Usually I am the one who headed up, as he had too little time to visit me here.

But then our relationship was deteriorating by the time I put in my leave, and by the time tickets were accessible, it was all too late. So I wondered and wondered what to do for my one and a half weeks break, as it was too expensive to go home, too expensive to go anywhere...

And although I love the island, I was lukewarm. I wasn't sure I wanted to bump into him and look at the face that one half of me still loved, while the other half was so disappointed in. The only male face I had touched with my hands since puberty. It was going to be painful.

Looking back, perhaps both of us got lukewarm quickly in the relationship. A typical scenario: What do you want to eat/ do/ go? One would say: Up to you lah. Then the other would reply: No, up to you lah... And the conversation would go on like that. There was little enthusiasm, we were worried about time, about money, about convenience, about what the other thought... we were worried about so many things, we forgot what was important... the other person. Keeping the relationship alive.

Being neither here nor there, it's worse than being fully hot or fully cold. At least then, there was conviction.

So like the many months preceding this, I was lukewarm until I had a strong pull to spend some time alone among some of the things I love the most. Nature. And so many things seem to indicate that I should.

My normally cold-ish brother calling to say: Come, come. A friend saying: Oh, just go. My parents not saying anything when I said I would like to go up North, which was unusual, as my dad is usually very thrifty. His own mother saying: Why don't you just come up anyway?

Then I twisted my ankle... and still, that yearning was there. To hike alone to the relatively untouched beach. To spend some time contemplating my existence here. What am I here for? What was there to learn from all that had happened?

Because still, I don't regret having been with him. He did make me happy, when he could. And in the same way, I don't regret breaking things off. He did make me unhappy too, in his thoughtlessness. It was better to amputate than to let the wounds fester. Amputating would leave the option of grafting from the same, or a new one altogether, or staying that way. Festering wounds may cause septicaemia, and the entire being would die.

Of course, he still doesn't see things that way, but perhaps, in time, and with God's grace, he would be moved to understand.

I was calling everyone I knew yesterday to take me to a doctor, the pain woke me up many times in the night. Some completely ignored me, some were outstation, and finally, a friend came to say hi, and when I asked if she wanted lunch, and I told her what happened, and if she knew a doctor available, she said: I'm going for acupuncture. So I tagged along, had 6 needles stuck into my leg, had low-pulse electricity pumped into me, and it feels slightly better now.

And still, I'm moved to head up North. So I think I shall. I shall make me my medicine first. After all, there are many things I intend to change with how I view life now:

1. To always think and speak the positive. I shall no longer breathe life to negativity, as words can either be a blessing or a curse. My words shall now always be blessings.

2. To encourage myself, and the people around me to always speak and be positive, to be better people.

3. To laugh more, to smile more.

4. To be kinder to myself, and to other people. To be accepting of who I am, and the people that come into my life. To always listen to their stories. Everyone has something to learn from someone.

5. To live life to the full. Carpe diem! To be boiling hot for life, and love. After all, love will come, when life is being lived to the full. And if life is lukewarm, so shall the love be. And thus, in the same way, if life is boiling hot, so shall the love be :)

So yes, 5 things to do which I started yesterday. Why leave for tomorrow what can be done today? :) 

But I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 

So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot, nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

~Rev. 3:15,16~

In that moment between sleep and wakefulness...

Is when I usually get little flashbacks/ epiphanies/ whatchamacallits... basically, it's when I'm enlightened. Perhaps God does talk to man after all, if we'd only listen.

More than a year ago, someone's behavioural pattern became obvious to me, and I realised that nothing I can do can make a difference....

Early this year, I woke up with the certainty that someone I had the longest unrequited feelings for was getting married.

This morning, I woke up and realised... It was as much what was NOT being done, as what was being done that caused the drift... left me feeling sad, empty, disappointed and disillusioned... But considering that we're both adults, and stubborn... I'm not sure if this would be what would undo us completely.

That's a very sad thought...

To honour, love and respect.

these are going to be short essays, distilled essences of thoughts over many months. after all, brevity is the soul of wit.

been wanting to write so many things:

about life. how it's so fleeting. so fragile. a friend of mine was so shaken, because her friend died in a horrible car accident. just a week prior, they had chatted about how she'd be starting a new life in another place, where my friend was. a week later, news filtered through that she had died in a horrible car crash. what irony. what meaninglessness. what an awful waste. so much potential. so much passion. so much youth. *snap!* and it's gone. like a bunny in a magician's hat.

and yet, how much do we really know a person? we can spend an entire lifetime with a person, and in his/ her death, be stunned by how little we know.

but life.... it's so unpredictable. so short. so seemingless meaningless at times. yet so powerfully moving at others.

life is fragile. and painful. and beautiful.

i told you: i wish i could've made more of an impact in other people's life. i wish i could've left school at 24 and traversed the world in help of the needy. my next manicure, my heartbreaks over men would've paled so much in comparison to 8 year olds dying of AIDS in my arms. or a pregnant young woman of 14 sobbing her heart out on my shoulder as i tended to the ugly purple welts on her body caused by the lashings of her poor drunken husband 12 years older than she was/ or her pimp who wants her to have an abortion. who am i? what difference can i make?

i told you: when i died, i'd like for as much of my organs to be donated to as many who'd need them, and the remains to be cremated, and the ashes be scattered over a flower bed. because i believe that's how life cycles in the greater scheme of things should be. with death, should come life. and that's why i don't smoke. and i try to keep myself in as good a shape as i can. someone else may need my liver and my heart more than i do.

i'm morbid.


about families. how they shape us. how they love us no matter how much we hurt them. how they welcome the prodigal son with open arms. how much they can hurt us. how much we can hurt them. and yet ultimately, how much we are bonded together no matter what the circumstances. and if familial ties are good, how much they protect.


about love - old loves, new loves. fleeting love, everlasting love. who's to say one impacts us less than another? who's to say the passion of a love of one month is less painful than one that lasts a span of 50 years? after all, both are imprints in the cement of our heart and our soul. they may erode with time, but the outline would always remain. the past may be the past, but the past helped shaped the future. and unless, like the rest of our world's problems, we learn from history, the past would always come back and haunt us. in the shape of the present.

after all, it's been said that our experiences are repetitive from the experiences we've learnt in our formative years. and so, the rest of our lives are repetitions of our childhood experiences. we react to stimuli the way we were taught to react in childhood. and the only other new experience that we would learn in adulthood/ post-pubescence would be the sexual climax. after that, we'd be repeating our initial sexual experience. we'd react to it as we were taught to in that initial experience and repeat it with future partners.

is that how love is as well?

it's been said that men (and perhaps women) have 4 loves in their lives:

1. the love of his/ her childhood (aka childhood sweetheart, puppy love, etc.)
2. the love of his/ her youth (possibly first real love, the one that made a bigger impact, first cut, etc.)
3. the love of his/ her manhood/ womanhood (the love that was made as a mature, responsible adult, one where he/ she assesses compatibility, lifestyle choices, background, etc. rather than profess undying love due to passion, sexual compatibility, physical attraction, etc. you get the idea)
4. the love of his/ her deathbed (where his/ her partner lives to watch him/ her die. the one where he/ she wakes up next to the creaking bones of his/ her senescence. where he/ she smells that old people smell everyday. where he/ she puts up with his/ her failing bladder, falling hair, lack of sexual drive/ sexual ability. where he/ she is the one wiping the snot of his/ her nose because he/ she can no longer do it him/ herself, etc. you get the idea too)

it's said that it is already lucky to have 3 and 4 be the same person, some are luckier still to have 2, 3 and 4 be one and the same. some rare few have all 4 be the same man/ woman.

who's to say? in my grandmother's time, there was no chance or choice to bemoan and wonder if you had married the right person. one is married, and then falls in love. or maybe never fall in love at all, but learn to appreciate one's life partner. with two world wars to survive through, who has time to think whether the next door guy is a better lover/ husband?

but in today's world, in a time of relative economic, political and social peace, with technology crossing all manner of borders, where does one cross the line? you look at your friend's boyfriend and wonder if he'd make a better boyfriend to you. or you look at your friend's sister and wonder if you had made the wrong choice for a girlfriend. or your colleague. or your neighbour. or your friend. or your cyberpal, after one too many online flirtation. too many choices. too little conscience.

we're spoilt for choice. and yet we're ill-equipped to make the right ones.

and so, when i met a friend of mine last week, one i hadn't seen in years, and her brother, who i haven't spoken to in many many years too, with his wife of a year old, i was struck by how quietly and simply eloquent the inscription in their rings were: to honour, love and respect.

To honour, love and respect. Inscribed on the inside of a simple, white-gold wedding band. With the date of their wedding. Taken straight out of their marriage vows:

To honour, love and respect all the days of our lives.

Love. do we really know what it means? so overused. so underappreciated. said at the height of passion. forgotten the next morning. said at the honeymoon stage of a relationship. forgotten when things get rough. as they inadvertently do. said to a replacement when the fires of a previous relationship had barely cooled. thrown out the window at the first argument.

To honour, love and respect. They come together. In a trinity. that's how love lasts, after all.

To honour, love and respect. Do we really know how to do that?

Honour. Do we know what it means?

Love. Do we appreciate the full extent of its meaning?

Respect. Do we have enough of this for ourselves, and hence, other people?

To honour, love and respect. All the days of our lives. Think about it.

It's as much a huge commitment as it is a wonderful promise. Perhaps it is both.

Pieces

A fragile mind is always teetering on the very edge of madness.

Today, my new colleague of barely a month or so made an observation about me that hasn't been made in awhile. Perhaps it is true, gay men are more astute after all:

You're too nice. You're a doormat.

I suppose it's true.

Despite my layers of cynicism...
I WOULD LIKE to be proven wrong once in awhile.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to take a person's statements at face value.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to trust someone so completely, I could be spared the worry of being lied to, betrayed and backstabbed.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to be taken for who I am, and not have to worry about being compared with someone and found lacking.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to take someone just as s/he is without worrying about ulterior motives.

But that's not how it works, isn't it?

A young wise friend of mine once said: there's no such thing as true altruism in this world.

And oh! What a jaded thing to say from one so young. But as time goes by, I'm more and more tempted to just, one fine day, pack up everything I have, go into a jungle up in the mountains, and never be seen again.

Because at times, animals make better company than people, no matter how fascinating people can be.

They lack that self-absorbed egocentricism that people have, and which I have had frightening brushes with, in the not-too-distant past. It makes me wonder, at times, what I've done in a past life (if that's your kinda thing) to be such a magnet for people who ultimately end up using me as a psychological/emotional/mental bedrock. And when they think they're about done, they prepare to toss you like a ragdoll.

Thxbai.

After all, what does one do with a well that has run dry?

There's a fine line between fear and awareness.
There's a fine line between genius and madness.
There's a fine line between melancholy and depression.
There's a fine line between confidence and pride.
There's a fine line between solitude and loneliness.
There's a fine line between love and hate.
There's a fine line between life and death.

Thank you for the catharsis.

Randomness.

Mourning and Healing

this was meant to be blogged earlier. because it was something that happened over the weekend. but i only managed to find some time now.

sometimes the biggest epiphanies hits you between the eyes when you least expect it to.

spent the wee hours of sunday crying quietly in bed.

spent saturday night out celebrating a good buddy's birthday, ex-housemates from 'the apartment'. the scandalous apartment. the one with booze parties and things that happen with booze parties. u get the picture.

there's something i wanna say to someone who shared that table that saturday night.

**

thank you. i took up that dare because i needed to feel like a woman again. because i needed to heal.

no, i didn't realise it then. all i felt then was depression, and pain suppressed so deeply in me, it took all i had to not go back to the darkness i thought i had left behind when i moved out.

of course, you probably didn't realise i was doing that. how could you, when i barely realised it myself?

i'm not even sure anyone at that booze party realise the fragile mask i had put on. the anger and frustration behind the smile. the mask-it was pure china, all of it.

there were signs, though, i normally don't start a drinking session by sculling whiskey neat, immediately. shot after shot of it. special brew, to boot. i like to start my drinking session slow and easy, normally.

i wonder if anyone noticed the craziness in my eyes. then again, i was wearing my glasses. it was dark. and i act crazy all the time. add to that the fact that everyone was trying to knock themselves out. no, i guess not.

i'm sorry if knowing this now would make you feel used. i don't mean it to. i didn't even realise it then. i suppose we'd always be teased about it. which is fine by me. i did ask for it by taking up your challenge. after all... i was single then, and so were you. you liked it then, and so did i.

and though i suspect you too, were harbouring your own dirty little depressing secret, it was still no excuse.

i doubt you know what you did for me. how broken i was inside then. how i curled myself up into a little ball every night as i wrapped myself around the middle in the protective foetal position while i sobbed myself to sleep. how i hated what i did, what had happened, what i had allowed myself to happen, how i allowed it to happen, how i allowed him to treat me the way he did, who i was.

how i felt the secrets and lies and deceit were too much for me to bear, and the burden of holding it was crushing me underneath it's weight. how i felt i could speak to no one, and the loneliness of that was choking me. how i feared for my own sanity, and the depression was so dark, holding me in it's visceral grip, i felt i could never set myself free.

i lost perspective. i lost confidence. i lost my sense of self. i lost sight. i lost sense. i lost hearing. i lost touch. with myself. with reality. self-preservation. self-worth. self-confidence. all slowly came crumbling down in a span of several ugly months.

yet i have no regrets. i'm a success. it's only a failure, only a regret if i never learnt from it. i did. i still do. it was hard-fought, hard-earned, and terribly pricey, but i came out a victor at the end. battered, bruised, left for dead, but i survived. i made it, and i'm stronger, and happier, and, hopefully, wiser.

so i do have to thank you for helping me heal... i suppose the moment i sculled that shot, and took your hand to get on that balcony, i made a conscious decision to start forgetting and start healing. quick. who better to make me feel like a sexpot again than one known for making women quiver within a 30-mile radius? after having had my face rubbed into horse manure, over and over again, it was high time to wipe the tears, wash myself, put on my best clothes and sexiest strut and have me some sexytime.

and it worked. better than i myself thought. it was a confidence-booster. it was sewing up old hurts and storing them away. it was knowing i still have it in me to make a man perk up and take notice. i needed that, and you gave it to me, with or without knowing you did it.

and although things almost got out of hand, i'm glad things didn't get further than they did, though. it shouldn't, and it didn't. so let's just keep what happened there where it is. i wouldn't change what happened on the merit of what i got out of it. i consider it a gift, and i thank you for it.

i know you liked it as much, but i sure hope it wasn't a regret. we've both moved on from there, after all.

like they say: all's well that end's well. que sera sera.

3 random things...

3 random things of the day...

1) i find i've started blogging again.... hmm... it's like a drug... i can't stop :P but i wonder... does this also mean i'm ok now? :) i kinda stopped blogging cos well, some things are just too painful to be put into words. at least, not then. but i think i should archive it here. so that 10 years from now, i can look back, see what went on in my schizo head, and laugh at myself for being so unbearably stupid. :D rebounds are no good. no good at all. :)

2) my pineapple tarts are here!! yummy!!! time to collect from crazywoman :) but gotta pay up, too. with that creature (:P) nothing is free. but ahh.. i never expect things to be anyway. :D

3) you ask me if/when you can have me. honestly, you'll never have me. just the parts of me that i'm able to share with you. :) maybe you've been going about things all wrong then? complete possession is never the answer. yeah. i speak from experience. shadows from my past that could possibly rival yours. shadows very few people know of. and which took me almost 2 years to finally open up to someone about. and only because that someone was leaving :P and then things got easier. shadows that still haunt me to this day. because he still calls. and still texts. but i would never pick up anymore. because he doesn't exist. not to me. yes i can be cold. so cold it burns. like liquid nitrogen. are you sure you know what you're doing?

Finality

17.08.2007. 1942 hours.

I finally took the steps I should have taken long ago on my own accord today.

Finally.

The finality weighted down on me. But it had to be done. Considering how he was a selfish coward to the end, and how finally, that selfish cowardice turned into a cruelty so crippling, its consequences on me, he would never see, and, if I had my way, he'd never know.

He probably never thought twice about it, but he would criticise all but one of my five senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing. The only thing he didn't complain about was my voice. Perhaps, given time, he might have started criticising that as well.

It makes me wonder now: What type of little person was he, that he had to put me down, especially after a particularly intimate moment?
If I had doubts about my self-esteem, his criticism would have destroyed me.
Was that what he was seeking to do? What did he get out of such behaviour? But I no longer want to know.

Looking back now, there are some aspects to our situation then that I did not understand, which I do now. It casts an even greater shadow on the memory.

It makes me wonder, too, if everything he did then, had a hidden agenda. The thought made me blanch, but I suppose I have to face the consequences of my choice. So I made a mistake. A huge one.

I suppose if I were he, I wouldn't be able to help not just having the emotional range of a teaspoon, but also the psychological range of a pinhead.

I feel sorry for him.

But I can't spend the rest of my life playing counselor. And I won't take being used and abused again.

Someday he may finally come to his senses.
Someday he may learn to be less selfish.
Someday he may no longer be a coward.
Someday he may finally grow up and be a man.
But someday is too long to wait.

Someday might be tomorrow. Someday might be his deathbed.
Someday is a word he uses when he doesn't want to make a commitment.

Someday I may learn to trust and respect him again.
Someday I may learn to like him as a person once more.
Someday we might share once more the camaraderie we used to share.
Someday I may no longer feel as hurt as I do now.

But for now, I would rather keep it like this.

It would be as though we never met again.

I would remember him as the boy I used to know in school.

I'd wipe out as best I can, my memory of him as the charred holey remains of a shell I met again years later.

Because no matter how hard I tried to fill that shell, I could never do so.
No matter how much tears I filled it up with, it never did fill.

So I've stopped trying. It's too late for me.
Perhaps not for him, but for me.

Because it hurts to feel used.
Because it hurts to feel cheated on.
Because it hurts to care and yet realise it's one-sided.
Because it hurts to love a person incapable of loving.
Because it hurts to feel stupid and question your own judgment.
Because it hurts to know you've been betrayed.
Because it hurts to ask yourself:
'You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?'

Love and acceptance has to be borne, it cannot be expected from someone else.
If you hold someone's hand, you would never let it go. But it you ask someone to hold yours, you never know when you would be let go of.
You have to love and accept yourself first, before someone else can love and accept you. Because truly, how the world sees you, is how much you see, and show of, yourself to the world.

I suppose that truth is something he would never understand. Partly because he has never really wanted to try. An empty peace without true commitment is always what he had sought after. He is still a spoilt, selfish, cowardly little brat. A wilful 4-year-old who throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he want. Took me awhile to see that, and come to terms with it. All the women in his life, he had never treated well. Not the first, not the second, not the third, not the fourth, and not even his mother. He had never had enough respect for anyone of them to tell anyone of them the full truth at all times.

He hates himself. TOO much. And he expects other people to fill that gap in his life. To make him feel good about himself. To keep him from hating himself. He doesn't realise only he himself can do that for himself.

I refuse to live like that. Yet that is the very painful truth I had to finally come to terms with. That was what sealed the decision for me. A boy who has no respect for his parents, and who hates himself, is extremely flawed in character.

And the truth is, no matter how elitist this may sound, but Oprah Winfrey was right. We should surround ourselves only with people who would lift us up, not drag us down.

I hope this would be the end of it. The last of it. I'm turning my wounds into wisdom. Because I know, the way we're meant to be is that where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Perhaps that was his problem from Day 1. But it's no longer my problem. It never was in the first place. All he's ever done for me was tell me 'No'. No, I wasn't good enough. No, I wasn't hot enough. No, I wasn't skinny enough (I should weigh less than 45kgs). No, I didn't smell good enough. No, No, No. Fuck it, he had never earned the right to tell me Yes in the first place. So why take a No?

'When it comes to being lucky, he's first,
When it comes to loving me, he's the worst.'

Here are more of my favourite quotes from the Great Coloured Lady:

1. Never take a 'no' from somebody who isn't in a position to give you a 'yes' in the first place.

2. We are each responsible for our own life - no other person is or even can be.

3. The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.

4. If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think.

5. I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself.

6. You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more.

7. It is confidence in our bodies, minds and spirits that allows us to keep looking for new adventures, new directions to grow in, and new lessons to learn - which is what life is all about.

8. I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk.

9. For everyone of us that succeeds, it's because there's somebody there to show you the way out. The light doesn't always necessarily have to be in your family.

10. We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are.

11. I know that you cannot hate other people without hating yourself.

These truths I hold to be self-evident....

Thursday, 21.06.2007. 1158hours.

Sick like a dog for days.
Slept in snatches.
Finally put all thoughts together.
And these truths I hold to be self-evident...

I take full responsibility for what I did,
and I shall bear that in solitude.
Tis now a question of honour.
Salvaging what is left is all I can do now.

Self-preservation requires looking after one's interest,
especially if the alternative is detrimental to one's well-being.

Sometimes there is greater courage in walking away from a futile situation,
then there is in staying in it.

Isn't it ironic how sometimes people let go of what they could have had,
for what they thought they had,
when they never had it in the first place?
And in the end they're left with absolutely nothing.
I suppose it's fitting.
They call it poetic justice.

There's a pattern in my relationships with destructive people.
How I can tolerate cowardice, self-absorption and spoilt behaviour.
How I dislike, but can understand selfishness.
But how sneakiness is something I cannot tolerate at all,
and is the ultimate crunch for me.

Complacency is the death knell of progress, society, everything.

I have waaayyy too much faith and hope in people in general,
much to the detriment of my sanity.

8 months is a long time to wait.
8 months is a long time to watch.
8 months is a long time to learn.
8 months is a long time to know.
Ultimately, 8 months is a long time.

It is foolishness to overestimate a person's faults,
and underestimate their virtues.
It is even more foolish to underestimate a person's capabilities,
while overestimating your own.

A foolish male will always assume that he is smarter than the smartest of women,
and attempt to outsmart her, much to his misfortune.

A woman, when she reaches a certain age,
will realise that if it was necessary for her to know anything painful,
she would find out soon enough.

And if it was a pain that could be spared her,
it was much wiser to do without.

That it was much wiser to be content not to share the pain of men,
for men do not share the pain of women,
nor do they even attempt to understand it.

Call me primitive, but in my experience,
any form of pain do not dull physical hunger,
but the consumption of food dulls pain.

Wasting affection on an emotionally-handicapped person,
is like burying yourself whole, as fertiliser,
and wringing yourself dry of tears, and sweat, and blood,
in the sands of the most barren of deserts.
It's a pointless exercise,
for nothing, absolutely nothing, will grow from it.

The purpose of dating isn't to find the "perfect" man;
it's to find the perfect combination made up of two human beings,
in relationship with one another.

Babyface put it so succinctly when he sang:
Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
and..
Sometimes a girl, is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world

the call of Nemesis

this is who Nemesis is, for those who don't know, or don't bother to find out:

Nemesis (in Greek, Νέμεσις), also called Rhamnousia/Rhamnusia ("the goddess of Rhamnous"), at her sanctuary at Rhamnous, north of Marathon, in the Greek mythology was the spirit of divine retribution against those who succumb to hubris, vengeful fate personified as a remorseless goddess. The name Nemesis is related to the Greek word νείμειν, meaning "to give what is due". The Romans equated one aspect of Greek Nemesis, which might be interpreted as "indignation at unmerited advantage", as Invidia (Aronoff 2003)

i don't call myself Nemesis for nothing. when i've made up my mind that enough is enough. when i've lost enough sleep over something. when i've been pushed to my limit. i am Nemesis. and i don't take no shit from no mortal man.

***
last friday someone pissed me off so much, my entire face went scarlet. and when i went off for dinner, and went to the ladies', i noticed little red spots all over my chest, and upper arms, right down to my bosom.

it looked like i had an allergy reaction to alcohol. except i hadn't started drinking yet.

yes, i got so angry, that i burst my capillaries.

that's when i thought: Enough. Enough is enough. I don't need this. From anyone.

***
i had a difficult childhood. i was emotionally and socially blackmailed and bullied as a child. it taught me 3 important lessons:

a) how to phase out.

b) how to be utterly shameless, and to not bother about the general public's opinions of me.

c) how to take full control of my own life.

these are lessons i learned young. it was so difficult, as i was so young, but it has served me well.

now i'm using it. because i have to.

***
on sunday, i found out something about someone i cared for that was totally unexpected, and that put me out of my misery of several months. it helped me reach my decision, immediately. swift as the blow of the guillotine. a decision i've been getting sick, and losing sleep over. a decision i had taken months agonising about.

do i want to lose a friend?

but now, the question is: was this person a friend to me?

no one runs circles around a goddess using a mediocre mortal. s/he better at least be hercules, or in hercules' league (a demi-god)

stupid, stupid jackass.

***
the wheels are in motion. the time is ripe to give what is due. retribution is in order.

the table is set for one last negotiation. it's time to make an offer.

if things don't work out, the blade would strike.

no one has the right to be selfish to such an extent. no one can be allowed to have such an unmerited advantage over everyone else.

***
if you've made your own bed, learn to sleep in it.

both of you.

the doormat is metamorphing into the goddess of retribution.

Girls vs. Grown Women

This was posted on my bulletin, so I thought I'd share it here :)

Thought it said a lot, and that it really was true. Makes you wonder: Youthful Passion vs. Maturity?

Some learn their lessons before others, but we'll all eventually get there. After all, aren't all women born with a hundred years of collective feminine wisdom anyway? ;)

**
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.

Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends!

Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.

Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.

What Oprah Said About Men

This was forwarded to me. Wonder what any one of you would say about this.

Personally, I think it couldn't be any more true. Probably an Omen for me.

These are truths I've known all along, and mentioned several times in conversations, but sometimes I don't really listen to myself.

It's at times like these, when I let my guard down, that I always get in trouble.

This is a sharing session. I don't share with strangers in a church cell-group, it makes me uncomfortable to open up when I don't want to, and expressions always betray me. But here, here is my space, and here I want to share a little about how this concerns me.

If my sharing makes you uncomfortable, turn your eyes away now. Forewarned is forearmed.

**
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

(1, 2, 3. I've mentioned this to both men and women, and it's sad to note that it's always so true. This I've said to more than one man, of my own accord, more than once, when I was asked why I won't fight for them. You see, I believe decisions have to be made on your own. Fighting just panders to a man's impossible ego. Walking away is always classier. And a man who would allow himself to be won by a woman who bitches about and disses another woman just so she can get her man is not worthy of my affection.)

Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.

(Yes. I shall stop. He cheats, he lies, he doesn't keep his promises. He doesn't want to be accountable or to take responsibility. He doesn't want to grow up. He doesn't want to learn. Or to change. It's his problem, not mine. Who cares if his women cheated on him? Who cares if she bores him? Who cares if they're not compatible? Who cares if sisters and brothers and mothers like her, although they don't suit each other? Who cares if his woman lets him step all over her? He could always change. He could always put a stop to it all. He has a choice. He made his bed. He sleep in it. Why must I allow myself to be dragged along? Yes, he is miserable. Yes, he is upset. But he doesn't want to change. There are no excuses for wallowing in self-misery, and burying himself in the quick-sand of uselessness. His life. His shit. Not mine.)

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

(Thank you. I am, who I am. Take me as I am, or not at all. Now I'd sooner go for sperm donation than allow idiocy near me again.)

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

(Mother's wise words. Oh, how could I forget?)

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
(Again, 1, 2, 3. How many times must I go through this before I realise it for what it is? No more. It's too painful. I have self-respect. Until he respects me and tells me what he wants from me, he isn't a friend. I shouldn't not allow myself the justification of telling him he's crap. Which he is. He's no friend. Friends don't make use of each other. Friends are there for each other through thick and thin. Friends protect and nurture each other. Friends listen to what each other has to say, and change for the better.)

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
(They all did. I was young, and stupid. I sure hope I'm smarter now.)

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
(That's true. 4 years of wasted time. Being in Moronia. Somebody's 2 years plus of whiny self-pity. Where did it take either of us? Stuck in a rut, is where. Basta! I stop. It isn't going to get better if neither party makes an effort. Or if either one is too different from each other. Or if Trust, Respect OR Communication is already out the window. Pointless to force myself to pretend to be happy when I'm really not.)

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
(If I am ever this stupid, somebody slap me. HARD. On both cheeks. The dude who thinks/ thought I'd do this really didn't take the time to know me well enough. So Fuck you.)

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

(Told this to some girlfriends once. They thought I was cold. But I guess I was just never a child. And I never trusted men enough. Or I just liked my own space way too much to give it up. Freedom is important to me. Besides, if both partners mix in the same group, when a split happens, friends are forced to take sides. I'd be miserable if my ONLY friends are also his friends and my friends either feel bad about taking my side, or are no longer on my side. We all need friends. It's important to have mutual and separate friends. We're individuals sharing lives. Not barnacles. But this had always been what I felt. I was never young.)

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
(Oh how they hate me for this. How I intimidate them, frighten them off. I don't care. I don't want men with dysfunctional gonads anyway.)

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
(True, thank God he doesn't know everything. None of them do. Even some of my best girlfriends do not know everything.)

You cannot change a man's behaviour.
Change comes from within.
(Therefore, no point trying to change a man if he doesn't want to change himself. It's true for everyone. If he changes for you, it'd be short term. It's like giving a man a fish. He eats for but a meal. If he changes for himself, it'd be for a lifetime. He'd have learnt how to fish. And he can fish for his meal until the day he dies.)

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
(I never did. I hope to God, I never will. I don't want to lose the sense of who I am. My independence, my self-assurance.)

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
(Yes, so many of them. So I stop. No more. I don't want to do a Loser. Call a Dog, a Dog, and a Cat, a Cat. Call a Loser, a Loser. A Cheat, a Cheat. A Liar, a Liar. A Bastard, a Bastard. I shall stop side-stepping the issue and call it as it is. And I shall be accountable for my own sins.)

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
(So I gotta make sure I treat myself right, first of all.)

All men are NOT dogs.
(No, though there are plenty of them around, they can cloud your judgment.)

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships. ..there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
(Tough lesson learned. And yet so many refuse to see.)

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals.
Look for someone complementary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
(Yes it is :))

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
(Men take many things for granted. All the time.)

Never move into his mother's house.
(NO. How'd he like moving into mine? Another way to get him to take you for granted.)

Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
(That means a lot of attention, a lot of love and devotion, lots of kisses and cuddles, bedtime aerobics to burn off the calories he fed u, no irresponsible cowardice, and a diamond ring and his mother's blessings for good measure. But remember, it's him you're marrying, not his mother. You don't have to like her to be civil to her.)

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
(Because, trust me, that's EXACTLY what he's doing to you.)

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make
someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
**

That's what I've to say. Guess I was never young. It's been said that all women are born with a hundred years' worth of collective feminine wisdom on them. Sometimes, I wonder if I was born with 150. It's both a blessing and a curse.

Shattered Glass

Shattered Glass

Tuesday, 03.04.2007. 2343 hours.

Someone asked me tonight why I upped and left in such a hurry.

Why I didn't bother to stay for the duration, or just a little longer. Give it a shot.

See, Security is a big thing for me. I won't invest myself, no matter how much I feel for something/ someone, if I don't sense the underlying sincerity. The basis of security.

I just didn't feel it.

There's no reason for me to stay. It would be foolishness. It would be painful.

A person might argue that it shouldn't be such an issue. Just bulldoze through it. Don't take it so seriously. Give it a shot. Don't let it affect you so much.

To such a person, I'd say FUCK YOU.

How can I not be affected? How can YOU not be?

One of the first people you'd see when you wake up in the morning is s/he. One of the people you spend the most time with in a week. So much hours in a day is spent with this one person.

How can you not be affected? If the relationship isn't mutually understanding, how can you not feel stressed?

You MUST have ice in your veins.

I can't do it.

I'm a woman.

I have flesh and bones. And blood in my veins (amongst other things). There is fire in me. And ice. I have ambitions, I have passion. I have hopes. I have dreams. They might be buried, but they're still there.

And my relationships with people are one of those things in which I define myself. Who I am, is, among other things, who I choose to surround myself with.

Unless I go through life like a zombie, floating constantly in limbo, I can't do it.

I LIVE. I LOVE. I LUST. I AM WOMAN. AND I REFUSE TO BE ASHAMED.

Unless I was forced to, whereby said person might have my body, but not my spirit, and definitely not my soul. Or my head and my heart. I won't allow that much desecration. Those places are holy. Some are not even mine to give.

But I had a choice.

The only logical thing was to leave. As quickly as humanly possible.

Because living like a zombie, in constant limbo...

Some day you'd wake up and ask yourself:

WHAT is THIS? WHO AM I?

Life. It's so Fragile. So Precious.

As though to prove the point, a phone call jarred the night when the person who asked me was sending me back home. Said person's grandmother had fallen and is in a coma. The shock waves rippling through the car was palpable. It was so sudden. So unexpected. So unnerving.

Life. It's so Fragile. So Precious.

Why waste it on someone or something SO NOT WORTH IT? Someone or Something that just wouldn't change?

What if it was I that fell and died tomorrow.

Death knows no boundaries. No demographics.

Death would come to the rich, or the poor. The old, or the young.

Death is fair. Death brings humility to all of us. Death shows us that all we strive for might be for naught. Death shows us we're mortal, after all. And ultimately, equal.

In my dying moments, with my life flashing before me, I'd regret it if I hadn't lived my life the way I had wanted to. I'd regret it if I had wasted it. On someone or something totally not worth my time. Or effort. Or affections (emotions).

Life is so fragile and so precious. Time is so short.

Memories are made with every passing second. With every breath I take.

I want to form memories worth living.

I want to form memories worth remembering when I breathe out my very last breath.

Nostalgia and a Former Student

Nostalgia and a Former Student

Saturday, 31.03.2007. 0130hours.

A former student of mine is gonna go to Columbia to do some goodness-knows-what engineering or other (sorry, Manda, it's just totally beyond my biological ken) and I just found out today when she told me to go read her blog =) Well.... Congrats, Manda! Very well done.

I'm old. SOOOOOOOooooooo OLD. When I taught her, I was a fresh-faced 20 year old just out of Form 6. They thought I looked 16. They knew my friends, or acquaintances from my batch. So-and-so's brother. So-and-so's sister.

Now she's entering uni. And I'm old. Now I know why I don't want to be a teacher. You're reminded annually of how old you are.

I would never have thought I'd be where I am, would've seen what I have, would've gone through the things I've gone through. Would've held on so long. Or lost so much. Would've been here now. Right here. Right now. Would've been so blessed. Would've been so hurt.

I could never imagine.

I've grown so much, so quickly. I am no longer the fresh-faced Ms. *****. Could never go back to that.

How things have changed. And yet how they've stayed the same.

Was it worth it? The steep, painful, pivotal learning curve since 2001? I hope so. Dare I think so? YES.

2 years from now, I'd be making this very selfsame assessment of how I am now.

Everything happens for a reason. It has to.

I have to stop mourning, and start living. Relapses are common, but the effort to overcome it shouldn't be futile.

Life is after all, precious. And time is so short. And unlike Agent 007, I only have one shot at it =). Life is unfair, too, but so's a lot of the best things in life.

p/s: Love ya, Manda! Congrats! Your Form 1 BM teacher who loves men with great bods is awfully proud of you! Hugs!!

p/p/s: No angpaos for you and 1A1 2001 (if you bring the truckload of kiddos) when you visit unless you find me an able-bodied Yankee hunk to marry :P and have dark-haired blue-eyed cherubs with. No blonds, thank you. :D Cikgu tak minat budaya kuning... Hehe....

Growing Up and KB

Growing Up, Things and KB

Monday, 26.03.2007. 2138 hours.

The only thing, I find, that's good about growing up and growing old is, if one can afford it, sophistication.

And the graciousness it affords you. Which is why I find it double the tragedy, if an older person has not the graciousness, to forgive the follies of youth.

That is the luxury of maturity.

**
I visited KB on Friday. It's a sleepy, quaint town. The people are extremely laid-back, they seem to take everything easy.

It was a Friday, though, and being the Bandar Raya Islam that it is, everything was shut down. Nothing appears to be open. There goes my chance for 'nasi dagang' or 'nasi daghe' as the locals call it, or 'nasi kerabu'. *sniffs*

Oh well, I managed to buy some kain batik and made me a nyonya kebaya... with a kebaya top made of authentic kain kasa rubia. Not sure if I was being slaughtered for the RM100 it cost me for a set, but I liked it.

White top with colourful embroidery, black and white batik sarong of polyester. And another green cotton batik sarong for RM7 :) Tailoring would not cost me more than RM50. Which is half the KL price for nyonya kebaya tailoring. CHUH!

Tracy and my Turtle friend has been harping for me to get a camphone. The former, cos, well, she's a techie geek, and she just wants to go camphone shopping with me (some things NEVER change) so she can go all starry-eyed and drooly. Whilst the latter wants me to get that so I could take pics of my HAWT chick friends for him to check out in the privacy of his shell. Cheh! :P

But anyway, I figured it might be high time I upgraded myself and be a little more tech-savvy and get me a camphone. We'll see. I can see some of my blogger friends cheering now cos it'll also mean pics/ photo-blogging. WAHAHA!! Unfortunately, dears, for me, blogging is more of an online journal than a photo album, so nemesis-on-fire's format will not really change with that decision.

I give myself 3 months to get that phone. I just MIGHT opt for a digicam or scuba-diving lessons instead :P Or a guitar, and guitaar lessons with that cute boy I saw in Midvalley ;) He's got that tortured artist look I kinda fancy right now... Hmmmm :P

Btw, I'm liking my job. Long, inconsistent hours sometimes, but interesting. How odd, since it has nothing to do with my chosen field of study. Does this mean my palmist friend is right, and in my early 30s I'll be carrying several jobs at once?

I don't know... She also said I'd marry at 29.....

opposite attraction

opposite attraction

lettrespourmoi wrote about this. She wonders if opposites do attract, and if the attraction lasts long enough to work.

My take?

I think:

Opposites DO attract, but like must marry like or there shall be no happiness.

Reason being:

You need enough differences so you don't get bored with each other after awhile. The appeal of barnacle-clinging only lasts SO long.

Each needs to develop interests apart and independent of each other to add more value into the relationship and to keep the spark alive.

Each partner would need to learn from each other. And why not? We learn new things everyday. Who better to learn from than someone you cherish and care about? Than the person you wake up with every morning, and go to bed with each night?

If both partners do everything together all the time, you'd learn nothing new from each other. And you'd get terribly bored.

The human attention span, unlike diamonds, isn't forever.

That's when you start seeking entertainment outside.

But you need enough similarities at core level to understand where the other is coming from, and to connect with each other.

Too different, and you won't know what the other is talking about.

Just look at the animal kingdom, and you won't find a horse mating with a rabbit. Although both are, by human definition, associated with sex. 'Hung like a horse, fuck like rabbits. '

If you live in two different dimensions, and share nothing in common, apart from, maybe, good looks, or not-so-good looks, how are you going to connect with each other on an emotional level? I'm not talking about the obvious.

Sex is sex, emotional connection is another thing altogether. The sex will fade, and what's there left after that's gone?

What I think is that one has to strike a healthy balance between the two. After all, moderation is always the key.