Aging and Strange Things

I was about to write: I'm turning 27 on Monday, but I ended up typing 25 instead :P
So what does that tell u, eh? :P

Well, anyway, I digress. I mean to say, I'm turning 27 on Monday. And last night, as I was talking to a friend I've not chatted with in a LONG LONG LONG time due to both of our schedules, I noticed how the topic has changed. Instead of: 'So how is everyone? Any gossip on who's hooking up with who?' it was 'So who is getting engaged/married?'

Eeekkkkssss.... don't get me wrong, I wish the happy couples all the best and all. But but but... the very topic kinda gives me the hives.... I'm allergic. Kinda. See, it's not like I don't wanna get married, it's just that... the idea just seems kinda far away.

And it just seemed to underscore the fact that... and yes, it IS a FACT as I was telling his friend: MY OVARIES ARE FERMENTING :(

Like I said: Well, unlike the sperm, which is constantly reproduced and replenished, my eggs have been there since embryonic stage, and I KNOW it's AGING... I'm wasting good quality eggs and all.... but but... I'm just a little reluctant at the moment to give in to the maternal urges.

I know it's a little selfish, but, there's yet so much to see, and babies.... changes everything. So does getting hitched.

Yes, I'm more than just a little commitaphobic. Yes, it's a strange confession coming from someone who owns a cunt. Yes, in a way... I AM a cunt. Sighs. See, I just feel that I need to get my life a little more in order.

I need a job I can see myself doing.
or
I need to have a disposable income.
or
I need a disposable nest egg.

THEN I'll be ready to procreate.
and spawn little me-s.... :P

When the time comes, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Why? The following post will illustrate this to the max :P:P:P

**

Here I am... and there's a temple performance outside. Well, it's been there for the past 2 days, ever since I got my bitchy ass over here.

What's my problem with it?

I mean, ok, you wanna have a revelry session, but OMFG it's SO FUCKING LOUD. And SO FUCKING LOUSY. Simon Cowell would die and flip and cringe in his grave!

There's a singing dancing session outside weiiii...... Here are my points:
1. It's fucking LOUD. Okay la, if it's good. It ISN'T.
2. Okay la, if it ISN'T good, if the chicks performing were decent. They AREN'T.
3. Okay la, if they AREN'T, if they're HOT. They're NOT. NOT. NOT. NOT.

It's a temple thing, for fucks' sakes..... The way they're dressed.... It's illegal weiii.... I'd be forgiven if I thought they were TEMPLE WHORES.

HELLO??? I remember commenting about how I walk in coffee shops in shorts and baby tees and get stared at by lascivious old men who'd tell their very daughters that getting dressed like that is asking for rape, with my girlfriends before. BIGOTS. But they have NO QUALMS at staring at nubile young things and grinning lasciviously.

Well, these laohiaos are staring and dancing at the nubile young things dressing themselves up like harem girls dancing for a balding pot-bellied old king, dancing lasciviously in sequined bra and panty set thingies baring their mid-riffs from bust-line to hip-line with matching fashion disaster boots and flimsy transparent scarves or feathers draped around their hips at a TEMPLE event.

Tell me that is just so-not-wrong.

If it were a strip club, I'm cool with it. Hell, if it were a CLUB, I'm cool with it. But this! TEMPLE event! In public! With little kids looking on and thinking it's cool, or it's okay to get whistled at/to whistle at underaged girls dressed like whores. Aiyaiyai.... Wrong la. Just wrong.

It's just that... it's just plain bigotry. Fullstop. Double standards. And please, what are we trying to tell people here?

early morning breaking news

i reached work today, and the first thing i saw while waiting for the lift:

the news:
"Make more babies, Chinese told."

The Chinese are told to have more children to increase the dwindling population.

My reaction: O.O
Then: -.-
Then: >:(

Of course, I probably didn't remember that verbatim, but I definitely got the essence of it.

Now I'm not sure which moron politician (yep, don't have much respect for politicians, especially local ones. there's in fact a book on the 'fantastic things' local politicians say, costs about RM20 from Kino, btw) said that, but I wanna shoot out the person's nads.

to explain my reactions:

O.O: WHICH IDIOT WOULD SAY THAT?
-.-: WHY would anyone say that? our population is increasing every year. (overall pop. that is, some ppl beranak twice a year and have like 9-15 kids in one family. wat.... i'm not kidding, i've seen it. just recently, too.)
>:(: and WHO is gonna pay for the cost of bringing up scads of babies?!

i'm in my mid-twenties. i have a relatively stable job. it pays, well, enough. but i have NO intention of having babies at least in the next 3-5 years. 'cos i don't think i can AFFORD to bring up one in the manner or fashion or lifestyle (whichever ur poison) i'd like he/she to be accustomed too. and i'm still striving for MY own personal satisfaction. i still want my freedom. my independence. having babies is A LOTTA HARD WORK. and personal sacrifice. yep. i love babies. it's a mutual fascination, babies and i. i'd love to have one when i'm ready. operative word here: READY. but i've got both my feet planted on terra firma. babies are expensive. babies require constant supervision. babies take up a lot of time and effort.

having babies is difficult. and a full-time job. so why don't that smart-aleck go have 10 babies of his/her own, then. memandai-mandai. let's see if said genius would still be singing the same tune after baby no. 10. (yep, by then, he/she woulda forgotten the names. like chinese families of old. tua hia, ji hia, sa hia, and so on and so forth. malay families, too, no? along, angah, adik. i don't speak tamilian, so i wouldn't know about indian families. but i'm sure they have their equivalent.)

and it doesn't help that being, well, chinese, i'm considered unimportant, and overlooked by the local governance. if my grades in school were given the opportunity it should've been given, well, i wouldn't be here now. but let's not talk about me. my point is that, if i'm gonna be having babies, i want them to have a better life than i do. not that my life is bad, mind, but it could be better. i would want them to have choices i never had. i understand my parents POV in pushing me to extremes academically. they think academia could get me farther than anything else could. i'm not sure they're right, but i understand it, at least. it's that same desire that i have for future children. a better state of living.

there's a reason chinese people have relatively small families. one, two, three kids. cap it. it's a matter of quality, not quantity. household income of appox. RM70K-RM80K per annum, both parents working, children to put through school with a quality education, inclusive of at least a bachelor's degree in mind. all with the parent's own savings. just in case. don't depend on someone else. how to afford having 5 children? have you seen how expensive baby formula can be? or babies' clothing? one of those little things can buy me 3 tops at least.

yeah, i know what you're gonna say... OMG U THINK THAT FAR? yes, i do. gotta plan for the future, innit?

ok, fine. cos since i hit 18, i don't have much faith in men, and i considered being a single mother. as in, go for sperm donation, either in stick or bottle form. :P

cos i wanna be mommy, not necessarily wifey. meaning, i can envision myself a mother, but trouble envisioning myself a wife.

so i was planning on being a mother (man optional) and i wondered how long it would take to build up my fortune before i can afford to bring up a child comfortably on my own. that's how i thought that far. :P

i really wish people in positions of power would stop making comments without thinking. what they say will be put in print. and seen the world over. saying things like: 'Apa bising pasal bocor-bocor ni? MP Batu Gajah pun bocor tiap-tiap bulan' is downright CRASS la. seriously.

Finality

17.08.2007. 1942 hours.

I finally took the steps I should have taken long ago on my own accord today.

Finally.

The finality weighted down on me. But it had to be done. Considering how he was a selfish coward to the end, and how finally, that selfish cowardice turned into a cruelty so crippling, its consequences on me, he would never see, and, if I had my way, he'd never know.

He probably never thought twice about it, but he would criticise all but one of my five senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing. The only thing he didn't complain about was my voice. Perhaps, given time, he might have started criticising that as well.

It makes me wonder now: What type of little person was he, that he had to put me down, especially after a particularly intimate moment?
If I had doubts about my self-esteem, his criticism would have destroyed me.
Was that what he was seeking to do? What did he get out of such behaviour? But I no longer want to know.

Looking back now, there are some aspects to our situation then that I did not understand, which I do now. It casts an even greater shadow on the memory.

It makes me wonder, too, if everything he did then, had a hidden agenda. The thought made me blanch, but I suppose I have to face the consequences of my choice. So I made a mistake. A huge one.

I suppose if I were he, I wouldn't be able to help not just having the emotional range of a teaspoon, but also the psychological range of a pinhead.

I feel sorry for him.

But I can't spend the rest of my life playing counselor. And I won't take being used and abused again.

Someday he may finally come to his senses.
Someday he may learn to be less selfish.
Someday he may no longer be a coward.
Someday he may finally grow up and be a man.
But someday is too long to wait.

Someday might be tomorrow. Someday might be his deathbed.
Someday is a word he uses when he doesn't want to make a commitment.

Someday I may learn to trust and respect him again.
Someday I may learn to like him as a person once more.
Someday we might share once more the camaraderie we used to share.
Someday I may no longer feel as hurt as I do now.

But for now, I would rather keep it like this.

It would be as though we never met again.

I would remember him as the boy I used to know in school.

I'd wipe out as best I can, my memory of him as the charred holey remains of a shell I met again years later.

Because no matter how hard I tried to fill that shell, I could never do so.
No matter how much tears I filled it up with, it never did fill.

So I've stopped trying. It's too late for me.
Perhaps not for him, but for me.

Because it hurts to feel used.
Because it hurts to feel cheated on.
Because it hurts to care and yet realise it's one-sided.
Because it hurts to love a person incapable of loving.
Because it hurts to feel stupid and question your own judgment.
Because it hurts to know you've been betrayed.
Because it hurts to ask yourself:
'You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?'

Love and acceptance has to be borne, it cannot be expected from someone else.
If you hold someone's hand, you would never let it go. But it you ask someone to hold yours, you never know when you would be let go of.
You have to love and accept yourself first, before someone else can love and accept you. Because truly, how the world sees you, is how much you see, and show of, yourself to the world.

I suppose that truth is something he would never understand. Partly because he has never really wanted to try. An empty peace without true commitment is always what he had sought after. He is still a spoilt, selfish, cowardly little brat. A wilful 4-year-old who throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he want. Took me awhile to see that, and come to terms with it. All the women in his life, he had never treated well. Not the first, not the second, not the third, not the fourth, and not even his mother. He had never had enough respect for anyone of them to tell anyone of them the full truth at all times.

He hates himself. TOO much. And he expects other people to fill that gap in his life. To make him feel good about himself. To keep him from hating himself. He doesn't realise only he himself can do that for himself.

I refuse to live like that. Yet that is the very painful truth I had to finally come to terms with. That was what sealed the decision for me. A boy who has no respect for his parents, and who hates himself, is extremely flawed in character.

And the truth is, no matter how elitist this may sound, but Oprah Winfrey was right. We should surround ourselves only with people who would lift us up, not drag us down.

I hope this would be the end of it. The last of it. I'm turning my wounds into wisdom. Because I know, the way we're meant to be is that where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Perhaps that was his problem from Day 1. But it's no longer my problem. It never was in the first place. All he's ever done for me was tell me 'No'. No, I wasn't good enough. No, I wasn't hot enough. No, I wasn't skinny enough (I should weigh less than 45kgs). No, I didn't smell good enough. No, No, No. Fuck it, he had never earned the right to tell me Yes in the first place. So why take a No?

'When it comes to being lucky, he's first,
When it comes to loving me, he's the worst.'

Here are more of my favourite quotes from the Great Coloured Lady:

1. Never take a 'no' from somebody who isn't in a position to give you a 'yes' in the first place.

2. We are each responsible for our own life - no other person is or even can be.

3. The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.

4. If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think.

5. I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself.

6. You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more.

7. It is confidence in our bodies, minds and spirits that allows us to keep looking for new adventures, new directions to grow in, and new lessons to learn - which is what life is all about.

8. I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk.

9. For everyone of us that succeeds, it's because there's somebody there to show you the way out. The light doesn't always necessarily have to be in your family.

10. We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are.

11. I know that you cannot hate other people without hating yourself.

My Beliefs

recent London bombscares.
the trial concerning the murder of Altantuya Sharibuu.

death everywhere.

and yet I believe that with death comes new life.

things must die, so that other things may live.

i've always wanted the tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes on my right shoulder blade for precisely this reason.

in chinese mythology, the phoenix is a symbol of strength, and feminine mysticism.

and in other cultures, the phoenix must die and turn to ashes, for it to be reborn.

death, and rebirth. one must die, for another to take it's place.

that is the way of the universe.

but because of such random violence and senseless death, i'm also a person who believes in seizing one's own destiny.

i believe in creating my own future, because it's the only thing i CAN change.

i can't change my past, it's who i am.

but changing my present, would mean changing my future, and determining who i BECOME.

when it comes to LIFE ITSELF, we all have a choice.

it is when it comes to DEATH, that it is up to fate.

we can't control when we die, and how we die.

all we know is that we'll die alone.

death is so unpredictable.

but life is so beautiful.

why live in misery, when we can learn from it, and be happy?

IMHO, the DUMBEREST statement ever.

Wednesday. 13.06.2007. 2331 hours.

Ahh, something I've been meaning to blog about for quite awhile.

Now that my housemate finally decided to get the hell out of the bathroom, and I'm nicely clean and moisturised, let's get down to it.

I've heard many a stupid statements in my 20-odd years on earth.

A huge bulk of it comes from my brother.

Don't get me wrong, I love the dumbass. He's my brother after all. He's good at what he does, but 2 feet away from his passion, and he's almost absolutely hopeless.

His ideas are totally rad.... like, seriously mind-boggling.

But this statement from someone I happen to know, concerning infidelity and temptation, totally takes the cake.

I'm Opinionated, Direct, Sarcastic, Articulate, Random. I have the uncanny ability to think of many random things at one time, and keep them all aligned in my mind. I can skip from random topic to random topic, and then get back to the first topic of conversation without forgetting or missing a beat.

But when I heard this coming out of the mouth of someone I know, my mind went totally blank for those brief nanoseconds. Devoid of any thought whatsoever. It was as though I was struck by lightning. Yes, Awe-struck by the lightning of Sheer, Blatant IDIOCY.

I have never in my entire life (and I hope never again for the REST of my life. My life was much-shortened by those few precious moments) heard anything so Outrageously, Ridiculously Imbecilic. Even a Retard would know better, you know what I'm saying?

Now I know since I blog inconsistently, and I go on hiatus without warning, probably not many people read my blog. Not that there were many readers/blogders in the first place.

So for the 3.25 people still reading my blog, and whoever comes across this, please, do me a favour. Let me read of ur opinion on this matter. Am I being too critical, or is it really, really, REALLY *DUH*?

Even for those who do not normally comment here, leave a comment on this. Thank you.

Now here's the statement:

'Maybe if we were to get rid of ALL temptation... live together... go to work at the same time... come home at exactly the same time... maybe then we won't cheat on each other...'

This coming from one half of a couple who HAS BOTH cheated on each other.

Ok. Let me state my arguments on why I think that's sooooo not gonna work. Totally unfeasible.
1. If there's no respect, and no trust, and no effort from both parties, they would still cheat on each other, no matter what.

2. Unless you kill the other 6.5 billion minus 2 (the couple) in the world, temptation would still and will always be around. Even with the rest of the people in the world dead, she might still rather do a horse, and he might still rather do a bitch (as in female dog).

3. Or, unless both migrate to HERMIT island, and live alone by themselves, without work, without a social life outside of themselves, without Temptation, MAYBE it MIGHT just work. Then again, there's always the horse.... and the bitch....

4. Most affairs happen at work. This is because you see your co-workers so much more in a day than you see your partner. Now, there's always lunch break for that lunch-hour quickie, there's always periods of lull in between work to sneak off to the deserted stairway or lavatory for yet another quickie, and there's always overtime. Whether justified or not. There's no such thing as going to work at exactly the same time, and coming home at exactly the same time. Even if both partners are working at exactly the same place. That's more than wishful-thinking. That's sheer stupidity. So unless you really love and respect your partner, and do not wish to lose the person's trust, what incentive is there to prevent you from taking that temptation?

5. If it has to come to THIS statement, doesn't that mean that the person who says it is grasping at straws? Doesn't that mean that the person itself no longer has confidence in the relationship at all? So what does that say about the chance of the relationship's survival? Hence my sarcasm concerning the horse and the bitch....

That statement horrified me. It showed a lack of sensitivity. A lack of humility. A lack of understanding. A lack of remorse. A lack of responsible behaviour. It showed a superiority that was astounding. A judgmental and critical person. This person was blaming the rest of the world for a lack of self-control. 'I can't control myself, so I must rid myself of all temptation.' It's like the American tripping over his own feet on a city side-walk and suing the city for 'faulty side-walk'. The obnoxiousness and self-absorption in just that one statement: Horrifying!

Seriously, I was dumbstruck. The retard was obviously not thinking at all. Made me wonder.... the dumbass flushed gray matter down which toilet bowl again?

I shouldn't insult retards. They were born handicapped. They never wished for it. They should have my pity and compassion.

But if you have been given fair intelligence and common sense, and yet refuses to use it, you're just asking for my insult. You're wasting everyone's time and effort. Not just yours. Such a person would do better to just roll over and die. Because, as such, with such a manner of thinking, how could such a person be of any use to society whatsoever?

Really, you know? Common sense is SUCH an uncommon trait lately.