2008

It's been a long, difficult year.

High points. Low points.

I've had to struggle in my career, in my personal life. I've had to shelve a few plans.

2008 has been bittersweet.

Career-wise, it's a cliffhanger. Salary increment plans would be on hold till further notice. So there's that. Nothing I can say about that. I'm just glad I've done what I've aimed to do when I took this job offer: Learn. And that I have. It's better no salary increment than to have a pay-cut and get laid off anyway, which is being done in several companies, given the current economic climate. So I'll dig my heels in and weather the storm as best I can. After all, it wasn't a bad start to my new job. And I'm trying to keep as positive as I can.

Personal life, well I suppose if anyone's been following that's off till further notice too. I'm not sure where that will be going. I suppose for now, I'll be concentrating on me. 'Cos I've let go. There's no more anger, no more frustration, just sadness. Resignation. Forgiveness too, for what had been done. Although I wouldn't let any of that happen to me again. That's just self-preservation. Once bitten, twice shy. But we've both made many mistakes, and forgiveness is important to move forward with living.

It sucks to break up right before the holiday season. Christmas was always the most quietly romantic holiday for me. Time to spend with loved ones. People we cherish most. But in a way I'm glad. And relieved. It would suck even more to be crying and fighting during the holiday season. Mayhap it's better this way.

There's much to be learnt from solitude after all.

Met a friend I knew from a friend, and barely know in person on fb chat. And he tells me: 'cheer up dear... good things always around the corner... though sometimes it can be a long corner... nevertheless .... good things...'

Strangely comforting, coming from a guy who annoys me to bits each time we meet. :P Probably the first time he sounds his age in the few times we meet... and immediately after, he sounds like his usual jackass self again :)

That, though, somehow made me cry again, silly as it is... it's been a really long corner this year, and I've come right to the edge of breaking point so many times. I suppose that's the price to pay for growing up. I do hope he's right... I could do with a nice break, even a small one, just to know the effort's not all been in vain.

So I wanna take a break. From the daily grind for awhile. Just to recharge, rejuvenate. Probably remove myself from people for awhile. Just to rediscover myself.

It's been a long corner of a year. But I've had no regrets.

I ended the year:

1. On a cliffhanger due to the global economic downturn.

2. Newly single again, though with many new friends.

3. Learning how to clean the radiator gasket for a car... that's another completely different blog altogether. Stay tuned.

4. Back to my November 2007 waistline... Yes, I can fit in old jeans again. That's how much I lost weight due to the events of the past 2-3 months.

5. Having a new appreciation for my family and friends, well-meaning that they are... though not necessarily always helpful :P but still... well-meaning....

I wish to have a clean, fresh start to 2009, with renewed hope for the future, whatever it is it has in store for me.

Life goes on, after all. And I hope my friend is right. Good things always around the corner.

Let's drink to the past, toast to the future, and cheer the present.

Mourning and Healing

this was meant to be blogged earlier. because it was something that happened over the weekend. but i only managed to find some time now.

sometimes the biggest epiphanies hits you between the eyes when you least expect it to.

spent the wee hours of sunday crying quietly in bed.

spent saturday night out celebrating a good buddy's birthday, ex-housemates from 'the apartment'. the scandalous apartment. the one with booze parties and things that happen with booze parties. u get the picture.

there's something i wanna say to someone who shared that table that saturday night.

**

thank you. i took up that dare because i needed to feel like a woman again. because i needed to heal.

no, i didn't realise it then. all i felt then was depression, and pain suppressed so deeply in me, it took all i had to not go back to the darkness i thought i had left behind when i moved out.

of course, you probably didn't realise i was doing that. how could you, when i barely realised it myself?

i'm not even sure anyone at that booze party realise the fragile mask i had put on. the anger and frustration behind the smile. the mask-it was pure china, all of it.

there were signs, though, i normally don't start a drinking session by sculling whiskey neat, immediately. shot after shot of it. special brew, to boot. i like to start my drinking session slow and easy, normally.

i wonder if anyone noticed the craziness in my eyes. then again, i was wearing my glasses. it was dark. and i act crazy all the time. add to that the fact that everyone was trying to knock themselves out. no, i guess not.

i'm sorry if knowing this now would make you feel used. i don't mean it to. i didn't even realise it then. i suppose we'd always be teased about it. which is fine by me. i did ask for it by taking up your challenge. after all... i was single then, and so were you. you liked it then, and so did i.

and though i suspect you too, were harbouring your own dirty little depressing secret, it was still no excuse.

i doubt you know what you did for me. how broken i was inside then. how i curled myself up into a little ball every night as i wrapped myself around the middle in the protective foetal position while i sobbed myself to sleep. how i hated what i did, what had happened, what i had allowed myself to happen, how i allowed it to happen, how i allowed him to treat me the way he did, who i was.

how i felt the secrets and lies and deceit were too much for me to bear, and the burden of holding it was crushing me underneath it's weight. how i felt i could speak to no one, and the loneliness of that was choking me. how i feared for my own sanity, and the depression was so dark, holding me in it's visceral grip, i felt i could never set myself free.

i lost perspective. i lost confidence. i lost my sense of self. i lost sight. i lost sense. i lost hearing. i lost touch. with myself. with reality. self-preservation. self-worth. self-confidence. all slowly came crumbling down in a span of several ugly months.

yet i have no regrets. i'm a success. it's only a failure, only a regret if i never learnt from it. i did. i still do. it was hard-fought, hard-earned, and terribly pricey, but i came out a victor at the end. battered, bruised, left for dead, but i survived. i made it, and i'm stronger, and happier, and, hopefully, wiser.

so i do have to thank you for helping me heal... i suppose the moment i sculled that shot, and took your hand to get on that balcony, i made a conscious decision to start forgetting and start healing. quick. who better to make me feel like a sexpot again than one known for making women quiver within a 30-mile radius? after having had my face rubbed into horse manure, over and over again, it was high time to wipe the tears, wash myself, put on my best clothes and sexiest strut and have me some sexytime.

and it worked. better than i myself thought. it was a confidence-booster. it was sewing up old hurts and storing them away. it was knowing i still have it in me to make a man perk up and take notice. i needed that, and you gave it to me, with or without knowing you did it.

and although things almost got out of hand, i'm glad things didn't get further than they did, though. it shouldn't, and it didn't. so let's just keep what happened there where it is. i wouldn't change what happened on the merit of what i got out of it. i consider it a gift, and i thank you for it.

i know you liked it as much, but i sure hope it wasn't a regret. we've both moved on from there, after all.

like they say: all's well that end's well. que sera sera.

I'm FUCKIN' BLOGGIN' ALREADY, BITCH!!! :D

so, ahem... i was told to 'Stop fucking around on f***** and start blogging already!'

guess it's been a long time :) so many things have happened since, it amazes me...

life goes on, i guess...

i've got so many blogs written fully in my head, but i'm too darn lazy and i was also genuinely busy, so i haven't blogged. even have some written on paper... but... to... lift... those.... fin-gers.... to... type... is... haaarrrrddddd.... woooorrrrkkkk..... *yawn* :P

(no, bitch... not just busy superpoking ppl :P)

so what have i been up to? what's new?

for the 1.5 ppl still visiting me here :)

i've been:

a) talking to the voices in my head. they were all quarrelling with each other, see :) hence all the stress.... we're all happily on the same side, now, minus the minor arguments, so it's all good :D

b) work. seriously. finished up a job in august. commencing on a few potentials this month. work's good :) keeps me occupied.

c) spending too much time on f****'s apps. gotta join f**** apps anonymous soon :P according to Nick. well, i agree. haha. but it's been a pleasure. found so many old and new friends there :D and it's WAAAAYYYYY cooler than f*****. :P

d) meeting up with friends, meeting new ones, partaaayyyyy-iiinnnnggggg!!!!! :D as some of u might know, from the pics i've put up. life's been rockin'! :D

e) burying the ghosts of the past :) will put up posts about that later. be warned ;) forewarned is forearmed, dahlings :)

i'm glad my friends have rallied for me :) it's good to know one is loved. thank you. all of you :) u guys know who u are. through my fluctuating moods, and my cranky rants. and my anger. and lawd... the frustration :P u ppl must be saints. i love you too :) yeah, this is my way of saying thank you.

what else? ohh... i think bachelor girl's Buses and Trains best describes my situation now.... *sighs* sometimes things happen when one least expects it, i suppose. sang this over and over in the car friday night :P one of my faves from old times. and my god, still so fitting after so many years. kinda like natalie imbruglia's Torn.

Hey Mom, why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two?
You just let me go, out into the world,
You never thought to share what you knew.

CHORUS

So I walked under a bus,
I got hit by a train,
Keep fallin' in love,
Which is kind of the same,
I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane,
And it felt so good, I wanna do it again.

Hey Mom, why didn't you warn me?
'Cause about boys there's something I should have known,
They're like chocolate cake, like cigarettes,
I know they're bad for me but I just can't leave 'em alone.

CHORUS

Hey Mom, since we're talkin',
What was it like when you were young?
Has the world changed or is still the same?
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun.

ciaoz :) will be back again. soon. promise. *kisses*

Snowflakes

Saturday. 09.06.2007. 1000 hours.

When I finally confessed to a friend about everything that's happened, she was first, speechless, then, disgusted, finally, disappointed.

I don't blame her. I felt waaaayyyy worse. There was a period when I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror.

Then she said: 'Forget.'
But I said: 'It won't be so easy. We share close mutual friends.'

It was true. From 2001-2007, he was probably one of the worst. But unlike the rest, he was the only one with whom I couldn't completely cut off ties.

The other Top Three Jackasses on my list:

1. The Doctor was easy to ignore. Don't pick up calls, don't reply text, don't answer e-mails. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. He was as good as dead to me.

2. Mr. Churchie-Wurchie wasn't so easy. But still, easier. One mutual friend moved to Aussie, and he didn't really keep in touch with that one, anyway. The other pissed me off so much, that I refused to talk to this one, and cut off ties, too. How very convenient. It was easier after that. It was like the Fates were on my side.

3. But this one isn't as easy. Fate doesn't seem to be on my side. We have close mutual friends that meet regularly. We have unfinished business together that I can't just leave behind. It was as though the Fates conspired to make me suffer and keep him in my sights. Or me in his. Whatever.

This I explained to her.

She said: 'The next time u wanna do something stupid, let me know, so I can whack u on the head with an iron bar.'

Then: 'You've successfully survived years in (insert name of Alma Mater here), don't tell me you can't endure a few hours with mutual friends?'

She's right. Growing up in Alma Mater a four-eyed pizza face, with all teachers knowing my parents, and not being rich, or pretty, in a school full of, and obsessed with, spoilt, rich, beautiful brats wasn't easy. (I'm generalising, remember. Not all are like that).

She knows what I went through. She could tell me WHY I was constantly ridiculed and made fun of.

There's a difference, though. I didn't care then. I phased out most of the time. Like The Doctor, and Mr. Churchie-Wurchie, I COULD not care.

This one got under my skin. Many nights I cry myself to sleep wondering why I cared so much, why he did what he did, and why I allowed myself to be so emotionally vulnerable. And the tears flow again, as I wonder how he could do it, after knowing what he did about all I've gone through. How he could change so much. How he could manipulate and choose a time when I'm most emotionally vulnerable to make me pay for the sins of his other women.

Why did he have to make everything so complicated?

Yes, I could endure the times when I have to face him. I could survive that as I've survived everything else before this.

Two years ago, at 3am on a cold, quiet morning in PH, Diana and I were swapping stories. She of her then boyfriend of 5 years, and me of everything else. No, I had yet to meet Mr. Sel-Imposed-Contrariness then. Diana was shocked. 'For a girl your age, I'm surprised you have gone through all that in such a short span of time. Some girls never go through any of that at all in their whole life.'

'No. And they're the lucky ones. I didn't actively seek them out. I don't consciously put myself here.'

Looking back, maybe I subconsciously do this to myself. Maybe, like my friend says, I seek affection. I can do everything myself. There's nothing I can't do. I've been trained from childhood to be so independent, it can be frightening. And yet, I'd like it if someone could do it once in awhile for me for a change.

Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should want them even less than I need them. And I already need nothing from them.

My friend says, as I was stuffing stuffed mushrooms into my already stuffed mouth (O_O): 'At the end of this... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8th mushroom, he no longer exists. Comprende?'

Looking at my friend of many years, good and bad, through our own fall-outs, I suddenly felt thankful. There are friends, and then there are Friends.

You know you've been friends long enough and well enough when you can just sit quietly together and not feel the need to say anything.

You know you've been friends well enough when words are unnecessary to express how you feel.

You know you've been friends well enough when you know what the other is thinking without the other person saying anything.

You know you've been friends well enough when one look is enough to convey what's on your mind. And you know the other person knows what it means.

You know you've been friends well enough when you can finish each other's sentences.

You know you've been friends long enough and well enough, most of all, when you know the person will have your back, and that the person is someone you can run to when you've nowhere to go, and that's the person you can trust with your blackmail-worthy secrets.

'Yes', I said quietly.

But what she doesn't know was that writing was how I endured Alma Mater.

I wrote on sheet after sheet of long F4 paper. Not stopping until I was done.

When I discovered my parents read them, I either set them on fire, or tore them into little snowflakes.

I would have liked to read them now, though. I've often wondered what my 20 something self would think of me at 10, 12, 14, 16, 18 years old. What murderous intentions did I have then? O_O

So this is how I would endure. This here is my catharsis. I would not speak of him in real life again, unless and until things changes between us (which I put no hope or faith in, sad to say, I really never wished things would end this way).

I would put my thoughts on cyberspace. Only here would I allow myself to truly speak my mind. These are my snowflakes.

When the sun rises in the morning, they would melt, dry up and disappear in the glow of the morning sun.

And they would be no more but distant memories.

Listening to:
Guns N Roses' November Rain (Acoustic)
Butterfly Boucher's I Can't Make Me
Travis' Writing To Reach You

Girls vs. Grown Women

This was posted on my bulletin, so I thought I'd share it here :)

Thought it said a lot, and that it really was true. Makes you wonder: Youthful Passion vs. Maturity?

Some learn their lessons before others, but we'll all eventually get there. After all, aren't all women born with a hundred years of collective feminine wisdom anyway? ;)

**
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.

Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends!

Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.

Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.

The Icarus Project

i'm sorry.

i know you've seen me put myself on self-destruct for years now.

i know you know more secrets about me than almost anyone else.

you know i know you're the only one i trust almost fully.

i know it pains you to watch me put myself through the silly roundabout shit that i put myself through.

it deprives you of your sleep. it makes you weary listening to me.

i know you feel like slapping me and giving me a good round of kicking in my ass for not listening to all your advice.

i know you think i'm an idiot for going out with the guys that i have. to quote you: they've all been shit.

i don't know how you knew about the latest, but you seemed to know.

you always seem to know the right things to say. at all the right times.

and for all the times you've stood by me, and advised me, and listened to me, thank you very much.

know that i've tried. know that i'm trying still. harder than you can ever know. know that i'm forever grateful.

you say i deserve better than i've got. that i'm one of those who needs love more than sex. that i should stop giving in to men who don't care. who aren't worth my time, and care and attention, and devotion.

that my self-discovery doesn't have to be in shit.

that fatalism isn't attractive on me.

that i shouldn't wallow in the mud of the plebs when i'm patrician.

that no one else matters but me. nobody. none of their opinions.

that it's true we may all live together but ultimately we die alone.

that shit isn't for me. the sun is.

i know not what to say. know that i appreciate your vote of confidence always. that i may not tell you often enough, but i do. thank you for thinking i'm beautiful, and worth the sun.

call me icarus from today henceforth then.

i'm aiming for the sun that's rightfully mine.

if i fall, i can at least say that i've come close to greatness.

Work and Valentine's

Work and Valentine's

In 3 weeks of work, I've scanned about 105 patients.

Interesting cases I've done/ seen:

1) Did my first scrotal scan. Men's balls ain't easy to hold down. The damn testes' swim around. And in the end I had to hold them with my left hand while I hold the probe steady with my right to get proper pictures for documentation. Dude had epididymitis. Testes were fine, but the outside of it was inflammed. Basically he had swollen, painful, and hot balls. Ok.

2) Breasts scan the very next day. Certain genes just have big titties. Not easy to scan either. They flop to one side, then to get to the other side, you gotta lift it up a bit so it flops to the other side, so u can reach the breast tissues. Not exactly foolproof, cos u're bound to miss something, what with all the flipping around, but not like we have a choice. Patient was fine in this case. I didn't see any lumps/ cysts.

*Now all that's left is for me to perform a TV scan, and I'd have done it all in this company. Have done breasts and TV scans, btw.

3) On Monday, I scanned a supposedly 7-month old baby that didn't seem to have a heart on Ultrasound. No foetal movement, small for dates, and when I dropped an M-line, the line was flat. No good. I saw the lungs, or what little there was of it, the limbs, the head, but no heart. I bet the baby was stillborn. It's heartbreaking. And the mother, I suspect, is aware of it, but is in denial. She says she can feel the babe move. Just a little. I think it's sad, but there's little to be done. Termination has to be performed. You can't keep it in there. Patient was referred to GH.

4) Saw weird kidneys today. Patient was referred for microscopic haematuria. Right perinephric fluid collection was noted. Not much corticomedullary differentiation seen. Suspicion of an isoechoic mass in the right renal pelvis with associated focal caliectasis. Left kidney appears to be malrotated with lobulated outline. There didn't appear to be corticomedullary differentiation, and it just looked bloody weird to me. Probably a congenital malformation. Either that, or chronic infection.

Appointment letter not given to me yet. And apparently, there's some medicolegal and management issues surrounding my employment and job description. Honestly? I'm not doing anything that's compromising my position, or future employment. Management issues, are management issues. I have no say. But medicolegal is my issue. And that's that.

Going out for dinner and drinks with friends later. I see an episode of SATC coming right up, Malaysian style ;) Thumbing my nose at Valentine's, the commercial one. Celebrating it, the traditional one.

Happy Valentine's and 'I Love You's' to:

1) My family

2) My Kuching pals (some of you I've known approx 20 years, more or less. Muax muax!! Something's got to be said for friendships that last that long. I call it Magic and Effort :))

3) My friends from UPM

4) My friends from work and beyond

5) Just my friends :)

6) Those whose hearts I've broken. Hey, I was young, and green and ignorant. And I've never done it intentionally. There are things I really didn't know then. Hopefully, I've learnt them by now.

Ciao!! Fa a modr.. (I think :))