so i guess this is goodbye

so i lied.

so i couldn't do what i promised i would.

i'm not sure if i love you. maybe i'm starting to. maybe i do, in a way. maybe i was charmed by you, in your own way.

but i don't want to spend the rest of my days being constantly on tenterhooks about where i stand.

and seeing how you are when it comes to things like this, i'm not sure i want to take the chance.

you're always running away. hiding behind your situation or the people around you.

blaming every bad thing that happens on any other thing but yourself. you take no responsibility for what happens.

or when you do, it's only hearsay, lip-serving.

NATO: No Action, Talk Only.

you're a coward. other people have gone through worse shit than you have, there are some things in their lives they can't change, but they make the best of it.

you whine about the things that you CAN change, but refuse to.

you pride yourself on your patience, but is it really? is it patience or cowardice that holds you back from the things that you want? from reaching out for your own happiness?

is it really your consideration for other people's feelings? your own self-perceived empathy? or is that just an excuse you make for yourself, because you know yourself way too well, but is afraid to face that part of you?

is it fear of change? is it fear of maturity? responsibility? loneliness?

you haven't got the balls. you haven't got the spine.

and i haven't got the time.

i'd rather be alone than be unhappy.

we all need time.

time to learn to stand up on our own.

time to move forward.

time to let go.

time to grow up.

time to reach out.

and yet sometimes time runs out on us.

and i find that i am running out of time.

i've spoken to you.

not once, not twice.

many times.

you asked me my opinion. you asked me my advice.

why ask, when you don't listen?

so i shall speak no more. i've said all i could. all i needed to.

you're wasting my time.

time i don't have much of.

time i would rather spend on people who appreciate it.

time for people who really wants me. and my company.

and not make use of me for whatever sick, little, twisted reason.

i'm tired of your little psychological tests. your little emotional blackmailing: 'Do this for me... (let's see if she does it)'

if you don't think much of me in the first place, then why did you bother?

if i hadn't cared for you, i wouldn't have bothered spending so much time with you.

but i guess it wasn't enough.

what you took from me wasn't enough.

yes, i care for you. but sometimes a girl has to care for herself more.

if i don't afford myself the self-respect i deserve, i wouldn't be getting it from you, or from anyone else, for that matter.

after months of observation, i suppose i could conclude safely: especially not from you.

after all i've told you, i would've expected you to know better.

but i guess not. maybe you've never really listened to me.

maybe you've never really wanted to.

that's ok.

time to learn to stand on my own.

time to move forward.

time to let go.

time to grow up.

before time runs out on me.

i have reached out.

i can honestly say i've tried.

i can only hold my hands out to a man who's gonna fall. whether or not he wants to grip it is of his own volition.

i've held out my hand.

now it's up to you to reach out and grip it.

but if you don't, it's ok.

though some friendships are meant for a lifetime, some kind of friendships are meant to last for only a while.

maybe this is one of those.

i guess was wrong about you. i guess i'm disappointed in you. i'm disappointed to see so much potential go to waste.

but that's ok, too. you weren't the first to disappoint me, and i reckon you wouldn't be the last.

i'm not sure i could do what i promised you i would.

i'm not really sure you really want me to, either.

so i guess this is goodbye.