Did I hit a new low?

Sitting in the toilet, crying, and then just zoning out and staring at that wooden separator - I wondered if I hit a new low. The lights have just turned off, cos it's a sensor, and this building is so cheapskate that they did not install enough sensors to detect movement in the cubicles at the sides.

It's been a string of bad luck lately. And I've been so frustrated at how things have been going. It's as if they're all out of my control. I try so hard to just take a chill pill and tell myself things will get better, and when things seem to be looking up a little, something seems to happen again. It's like taking 1 step forward, but 2 steps back.

I don't know what to do anymore, seriously. And sitting here, nursing a splitting headache, I've been wondering if I was starting to get depressive. After all, there's all this rage inside of me. It's like a monster, wanting, no, waiting to escape. I feel it growing, slowly, fed by my daily frustrations and helplessness. I'm afraid of the day it will burst out of my control, and it may be too late.

It's been ages, hasn't it?

Wow, perhaps I should really start writing again.

Just realized I've left this niche quite abandoned :(

My apologies. Been darn busy with work - it sucks up 80% of my waking hours!

Not to mention that I've gotten myself hitched, and the prep took a very long time.

I'm sorely missing my creative spurt. I should really start writing again, eh?

The next chapter

I got myself engaged. Yeah, snicker if you want. I suppose I was ready to be domesticated, and someone who had the balls to try came along :)

Where should I start? I've made my mistakes - I suppose I could say I kissed many toads (and some frogs) before I found my prince. Is he perfect? Of course not! He can be stubborn, crude, abrasive, indecisive and proud. But he's also very kind, caring, brilliant, funny, creative, patient and ambitious. He drives me mad and at the same time he calms me when I need him to. In short, he's not perfect. Just perfect for me, and at the end of the day, that's both enough for me, and all that matters.

I blog so little nowadays, that I wonder if I should close down this little corner of cyberspace that I call mine. We'll see :) maybe I'll use this space to talk about the trials and tribulations of hosting a wedding on your own, on a shoestring budget, a.k.a. How to have a cheapo wedding! Haha :)

Till the next post,

Yours truly.

What now?

Why is it that when it rains, it pours?

I'm tired. Of so many things. I'm just bone-weary. I'm tired of fighting for what should be mine. Maybe I should just let everything go. Go with the flow.

I wonder where all the passion went - is it just a comfort zone now?

Am I making the same mistakes I used to make? I need to stop. And reassess.

Vicissitudes and Contradictions

I haven't written much for a very long time.

Too many things, too little time.

Too many changes, too little rest.

Too many instances of death, too little celebrations of life.

Or maybe I'm just feeling the marks of senescence more frequently than I used to, nowadays. But perhaps I should write again. Too many things on my mind. And it has always been cathartic to write.

But as one gets older, thoughts always seem to condense and distill into similar patterns and processes. It's as though one no longer experiences new things, but is merely refining the old - getting better at it, I suppose?

As I ruminate over that particular thought, I remember writing about it a few years ago, and so I went back to old writings to see if I did write them down. I am amazed at the kind of things I used to write. One wonders: Was that really me? When did I ever find so much time to write so much? And how did I find the ENERGY? The thinking process is, after all, really like a computing system. It takes up resources, i.e. energy :P

It is comforting to note, though, that I may have changed gradually over the years. Some say I'm more mellow, some say I'm less forgiving, perhaps both is true. However, it's comforting to know that, in-principle, my convictions stay the same. Lately, as I was hitting 30 (and when I have since hit 30), my thoughts have run along similar lines as this particular blog, almost 3 years ago.

Of how changes affect us (particularly, me). Of how fleeting life can be. Of how people change and grow, or grow and change. Of the permanency (or lack thereof) of human relationships. Of the one constant in life, which is change. Of fertility and nativity. Of morbidity and mortality. Of formation. Of dissolution.

Well, I'll just share my thoughts of 3 years past, I suppose.

Except for one thing to add. How fortunes always seem to change attitudes. I suppose when one is poor, one can afford to be generous, as there is nothing to lose, but when one is rich, or trying to be so, one need always zealously guard one's fortunes? Money may buy you friendship, fortune and fame, but when one dies, the skeletons come out of the closet and dance. Perhaps most people tend to forget that.

Maybe I'm getting more and more jaded as I get older? :)

***

MONDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2008

To honour, love and respect.

these are going to be short essays, distilled essences of thoughts over many months. after all, brevity is the soul of wit.

been wanting to write so many things:

about life. how it's so fleeting. so fragile. a friend of mine was so shaken, because her friend died in a horrible car accident. just a week prior, they had chatted about how she'd be starting a new life in another place, where my friend was. a week later, news filtered through that she had died in a horrible car crash. what irony. what meaninglessness. what an awful waste. so much potential. so much passion. so much youth. *snap!* and it's gone. like a bunny in a magician's hat.

and yet, how much do we really know a person? we can spend an entire lifetime with a person, and in his/ her death, be stunned by how little we know.

but life.... it's so unpredictable. so short. so seemingly meaningless at times. yet so powerfully moving at others.

life is fragile. and painful. and beautiful.

i told you: i wish i could've made more of an impact in other people's life. i wish i could've left school at 24 and traversed the world in help of the needy. my next manicure, my heartbreaks over men would've paled so much in comparison to 8 year olds dying of AIDS in my arms. or a pregnant young woman of 14 sobbing her heart out on my shoulder as i tended to the ugly purple welts on her body caused by the lashings of her poor drunken husband 12 years older than she was/ or her pimp who wants her to have an abortion. who am i? what difference can i make?

i told you: when i died, i'd like for as much of my organs to be donated to as many who'd need them, and the remains to be cremated, and the ashes be scattered over a flower bed. because i believe that's how life cycles in the greater scheme of things should be. with death, should come life. and that's why i don't smoke. and i try to keep myself in as good a shape as i can. someone else may need my liver and my heart more than i do.

i'm morbid.

about families. how they shape us. how they love us no matter how much we hurt them. how they welcome the prodigal son with open arms. how much they can hurt us. how much we can hurt them. and yet ultimately, how much we are bonded together no matter what the circumstances. and if familial ties are good, how much they protect.

about love - old loves, new loves. fleeting love, everlasting love. who's to say one impacts us less than another? who's to say the passion of a love of one month is less painful than one that lasts a span of 50 years? after all, both are imprints in the cement of our heart and our soul. they may erode with time, but the outline would always remain. the past may be the past, but the past helped shaped the future. and unless, like the rest of our world's problems, we learn from history, the past would always come back and haunt us. in the shape of the present.

after all, it's been said that our experiences are repetitive from the experiences we've learnt in our formative years. and so, the rest of our lives are repetitions of our childhood experiences. we react to stimuli the way we were taught to react in childhood. and the only other new experience that we would learn in adulthood/ post-pubescence would be the sexual climax. after that, we'd be repeating our initial sexual experience. we'd react to it as we were taught to in that initial experience and repeat it with future partners.

is that how love is as well?

it's been said that men (and perhaps women) have 4 loves in their lives:

1. the love of his/ her childhood (aka childhood sweetheart, puppy love, etc.)

2. the love of his/ her youth (possibly first real love, the one that made a bigger impact, first cut, etc.)

3. the love of his/ her manhood/ womanhood (the love that was made as a mature, responsible adult, one where he/ she assesses compatibility, lifestyle choices, background, etc. rather than profess undying love due to passion, sexual compatibility, physical attraction, etc. you get the idea)

4. the love of his/ her deathbed (where his/ her partner lives to watch him/ her die. the one where he/ she wakes up next to the creaking bones of his/ her senescence. where he/ she smells that old people smell everyday. where he/ she puts up with his/ her failing bladder, falling hair, lack of sexual drive/ sexual ability. where he/ she is the one wiping the snot of his/ her nose because he/ she can no longer do it him/ herself, etc. you get the idea too)

it's said that it is already lucky to have 3 and 4 be the same person, some are luckier still to have 2, 3 and 4 be one and the same. some rare few have all 4 be the same man/ woman.

who's to say? in my grandmother's time, there was no chance or choice to bemoan and wonder if you had married the right person. one is married, and then falls in love. or maybe never fall in love at all, but learn to appreciate one's life partner. with two world wars to survive through, who has time to think whether the next door guy is a better lover/ husband?

but in today's world, in a time of relative economic, political and social peace, with technology crossing all manner of borders, where does one cross the line? you look at your friend's boyfriend and wonder if he'd make a better boyfriend to you. or you look at your friend's sister and wonder if you had made the wrong choice for a girlfriend. or your colleague. or your neighbour. or your friend. or your cyberpal, after one too many online flirtation. too many choices. too little conscience.

we're spoilt for choice. and yet we're ill-equipped to make the right ones.

and so, when i met a friend of mine last week, one i hadn't seen in years, and her brother, who i haven't spoken to in many many years too, with his wife of a year old, i was struck by how quietly and simply eloquent the inscription in their rings were: to honour, love and respect.

To honour, love and respect. Inscribed on the inside of a simple, white-gold wedding band. With the date of their wedding. Taken straight out of their marriage vows:

To honour, love and respect all the days of our lives.

Love. do we really know what it means? so overused. so underappreciated. said at the height of passion. forgotten the next morning. said at the honeymoon stage of a relationship. forgotten when things get rough. as they inadvertently do. said to a replacement when the fires of a previous relationship had barely cooled. thrown out the window at the first argument.

To honour, love and respect. They come together. In a trinity. that's how love lasts, after all.

To honour, love and respect. Do we really know how to do that?

Honour. Do we know what it means?

Love. Do we appreciate the full extent of its meaning?

Respect. Do we have enough of this for ourselves, and hence, other people?

To honour, love and respect. All the days of our lives. Think about it.

It's as much a huge commitment as it is a wonderful promise. Perhaps it is both.



Turning 30

How does it feel to be 30?

I'm still trying to figure it out :)

After a day of rumination, I suppose the politically correct epiphany would be: Young enough to still have fun and remember, old enough to stop and know better.

The less politically correct, credited to Irene, would be: Young enough to still wanna shake your booty, old enough to know when it's time to sit down before you sprain something :P

My hope for this chapter/ decade would be that I learn how to age with grace... under pressure :)

It's been quite a day... My teammates surprised (or sabo-ed?) me with a little birthday cake and a (really loud) happy birthday song in a crowded restaurant, and sang an (even louder!!!) happy birthday song once more in a crowded lunchtime MRT (ZOMGWTFCRAZYFELLAZLAWLZ) before surprising me again with a 'meeting' that turned out to be the official birthday surprise :P Thank you, MxTx team :) It's been a wonderful 1 year with all of you, past and present :) Bumpy rollercoaster crazy ride it may have been, but I think we've all weathered and matured much :) I'm going to cry now :P

It is interesting to start a new decade of my life in another country, and under different circumstances. Granted, last year I was already here, but I hadn't had time to stop, think and reflect, having just moved here about a month prior.

The outpouring of well wishes, affection and love was a little surprising and overwhelming though :) Thank you all. I was, and still am, deeply touched. It's true that friendship has no geographical boundaries. I've been receiving birthday wishes as early as 4 May, and although my silly facebook wall allowed no posts initially, I've had some friends spend the time to PM me their wishes, write on my status or my uploaded pics, or send me a message via phone/ IM/ other means of communication instead. I love you all much :) It's been a great pleasure, and honour to have met each and every one of you, somewhere along my journey in life.

I will stop now before I get uncharacteristically disgustingly mushy :) I've a reputation to uphold, after all :P This note is a reflection of where I am in my life right now, how far I've come, how much further I have yet to go, and how each and everyone of you, my friends, have left an indelible mark in this soft, pink-cotton-candy-fuwa-fuwa heart of mine :P

Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your love. Thank you for being you. I shall now toast to the friendship we've had, and the many more years that will come :)

And now that I've written my uncharacteristically sentimental note, I shall retire to bed to preserve the youthfulness of my delicate skin ;) I have my occasional vain streak, as I do my occasional flashes of brilliance :P

Signing off,

Yours Truly :)

The Royal Wedding Dress!

Yes, yes, I know I'm late :P But I was at work and had other things to do before I finally managed to get down to checking out the Royal Wedding.

I must say I love the dress though! And I totally agree with this headline:

http://royalwedding.yahoo.com/blogs/kate-middleton-wedding-dress-a-success-6034?nc

I've always loved delicate, soft lace (not the cheap scratchy ones), and this is a little reminiscent of my mom's wedding gown, with it's long lacy sleeves (of course, mom's wasn't as glam), but I gotta applaud HRH Kate, for how she achieved the blend of traditional and modern in such an elegant manner.

The lace and corset bodice, narrowed at the waist, padded at the hips with the hint of a bustle at the way it gathers at the back gives a nod to the Victorian look, yet the sweetheart neckline bodice, peek-a-boo V-neck lace overlay and clean-cut panels and pleats of her ivory satin gazar skirt gives it a modern twist.

It isn't overly shiny and ostentatious. It's sleek yet feminine. Glamorous, yet refined.

I especially loved her veil. Traditionally long, yet minimalist modern with it's soft, airy, light and delicate look, held together with only a tiara. Overall, a subtly sexy, yet conservative look.

I know some people complain about the train, but I think it was brilliant! Long enough to be stately and regal, short enough that it is not superfluous wastage. Gorgeous!

Winning the War

It's been a long time since I've posted.

Life and work in general has gotten in the way. My apologies. Laziness too.

But today, I just couldn't contain myself.

My beloved state was not able to deny the coalition of thieves and liars this time around. And it was extremely disheartening and disappointing for me.

I need to remind myself, however, that Rome wasn't built in a day. There are many take-aways from this episode.

Firstly, that although the majority given to the ruling coalition has been reduced by more than 5%, it isn't enough. That we need to do so much more. How? We will need to look at this from many angles.

1. Who helped the ruling coalition win this? The inlanders.
2. Where did they get the winning votes? Possibly postal votes, ghost voters, etc.
3. What could have helped them achieve this? Many things, but of course, what was most effective was money.
4. Why did we lose in the inlands? Lack of awareness/ education/ relevance of campaign.
5. When do we start with a new campaign, then? NOW. We start NOW. That's how we will win in the GEs. If we're going to be serious.
6. How do we win? I will elaborate below. In summary, we need to start the new campaign now. Do the groundwork. We need to identify candidates whom the inlanders can identify with. We need to find issues that are relevant to them and find workable solutions for them. Most of all, we need to educate and create awareness.

RFS helped us make inroads into some of the inlands of Sarawak. But we shouldn't rely on RFS alone to assist us in making efforts into the inlands. We need to analyse the strengths and weaknesses of each constituency, as well as their needs, and move on from there. A one-size-fits-all solution is not suitable for a state like Sarawak. Not when there are major differences in geography and socio-economic conditions. What appeals to the urban voters may not be relevant for the rural voters at all. They can't identify, especially, with politics from the peninsula. It is foreign to them, as foreign as politics in UK or USA or Australia. Therefore, solutions would need to be customized according to constituency.

And we need to start the next campaign right NOW. We cannot be discouraged. We need to find suitable candidates and send them to talk to the rural folks quickly. This is in order for us to find out what we can do to relieve their burden, what the ruling coalition did right, how we are able to overturn the loyalty, and to gain their trust. It's psychological warfare. In order to beat the ruling coalitions system's of bullying, buying out and postal votes, we cannot afford to win by just a slim margin, but we need to have a buffer of another possible n=5000 votes (if possible, dependent on constituency, of course). This would mean that every blue we can turn red is worth the effort.

Our friends from across the sea does not understand. What is so obvious to them is, in truth, completely irrelevant to the inlanders. They don't have internet to be able to read up on alternative media. You see, they don't even have electricity. They have no toilets. They use outhouses instead. They have no clean running water. How would I know? I've seen it. With my own eyes. So please don't be condescending. They can't afford to think too far into the future when they live from day to day. They are even unsure of where tomorrow's food is going to come from. RM1000 is a LOT of money for them. As for NCR? Some don't even know they've signed off their lands until tractors come to clear their land. Because they are illiterate. They rely on the spoken language. That is why they were so easily lied to by the ruling coalition's empty promises.

So how do we become relevant? By getting someone from the area. Who knows. By having people go in there to find out about their plight. Ask to see their land leases. Investigate the situation. Do it NOW. While the ruling coalition is still celebrating. While they are complacent. That's how you build trust. By not just visiting once every 5 years.

If you do it while the ruling coalition does it as well, of course you would not be able to shine as brightly. You don't have the money. You can't compete.

So buy your way in through their heart, not their wallets. Make yourselves relevant in their day to day lives. Send in short wave radios so that they can hear about the evils of the current situation. So that they know. Talk to them and explain how they are at disadvantage. Speak their local language. Know their local customs. Make yourselves relevant.

Speak their language. Create a candidate that is a local hero. Rebrand yourselves as a coalition that is relevant, caring, able to help. Who will always be there for them, not just during election times.

Change is scary for these rural folks. That's why you move in now. Once they are familiar with you, once they are loyal, once you become a friend, they stay loyal, they stay your friend. As you can see from the current results. Make their loyalty yours. Turn these liabilities to your favour.

You find the root and then make a focussed, targeted, and most importantly, CUSTOMIZED effort that would turn the tides around. Hopefully the next time around, would be a major red tide.

We may have lost the battle, but not the war.

Quarter life crisis

I've been self-reflecting...

I think I've hit a quarter-life crisis....

And I really don't know where I want to be 3 years from now...

I can't even identify whether I can't stand my work, or the lack of work-life balance it offers me... I just know I don't want to be doing this in 5 years time... working on weekends.. waking up at odd hours in the night to call some incompetent fool half the world away.. working till 11pm and considering that 'normal'.

I chose to come here, so why complain? I'm not... I'm just getting really tired... I feel myself burning out. I'm not as young as I used to be, and reality bites :(

So I'm doing all these personality tests to help me figure out what suits my personality best.

INFJ. Christ, that didn't help... It's telling me I'm complex and internally confused. SIGH....

Perhaps I'm getting impatient. Bloody hell, almost 3 decades on earth... shouldn't my life be moving in a certain stable direction by now? Why do I still feel soooo..... unsettled???

God help me, I think I've hit a low point... yet again.... Seeing a financial advisor just made me feel a whole lot older. So many responsibilities, so little time to work them out.

It's as if the sands of time are running out on me.

Need to figure myself out. And pronto.

Growing up is hard to do. Really :(

Borrowed reflections of a tired mind

It's been forever. I know. But I've barely had time to shop in this shopping haven for necessary goods, much less blog.

But things have been bittersweet. And perhaps, in life, I can't really ask for more than that.

It's Independence Day back home. Wonder if anyone there ever reflects on life's lessons, but anyhow, here's a good article written by a wise man. I couldn't have said it any better.

I've learned....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is be someone who can be loved.

The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,

some people just don't care back.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust

and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,

but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself

to the best others can do,

but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people,

It's what they do about it.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,

there are always two sides.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.

It may be the last time you'll see them.

I've learned that you can keep going,

long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done

when it needs to be done,

regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,

but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,

but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.

Same goes for true love.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,

they're going to hurt you every once in a while

and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.

Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,

the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances

may have influenced who we are,

but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that just because two people argue,

it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

And just because they don't argue,

it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual

ahead of their actions.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing

and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter the consequences,

those who are honest with themselves go farther in life.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours

by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,

when a friend cries out to you,

you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing,

as well as talking,

can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life

are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line

between being nice and not hurting people's feelings

and standing up for what you believe.

I've learned to love

and be loved.

I've learned...

~Omer Washington~

Dilemma

I hate seeing you manipulated thus.... and although you say I shouldn't let it get to me, I can't help but feel this way.

You're like a butterfly coming out of your chrysalis, it's a painful process.

Yet I understand that your lives are so deeply intertwined, it's hard for you to learn to cut off the vines.

Yet I can see what he's doing so clearly. He did say he could control you, he could keep you under his thumb, you would listen to what he tells you to do (which is why he still keeps you as a friend), and that you would tell him everything.

Sigh... honestly, I don't know what to do either. It sucks that everything is under wraps and that I can't tell him off directly without blowing your plans apart.

So... maybe I should just slow things down a notch or two, say a prayer and hope everything goes well.

Sorry though.... this might hurt somewhat.

Greed?

I know I should be thankful. Yet why do I sometimes get that heavy feeling? Wishing things were a little less complicated? Wondering why it wasn't a little easier? A little simpler? Perhaps I am still a little fearful of history. I know I shouldn't let old ghosts ruin new homes, yet... I do wish... For that little bit more... Of peace?

Solitude

This country is quiet...many people say... And it's true that one can be lonely even in a city of 1 billion.

But this place also seem to offer some kind of respite in a crazy busy world. The little parks right in the middle of a bustling neighbourhood, where amidst the noise and craze, one can always find a quiet place for some respite.

Sometimes that's best. To remove oneself from the rest of the world for awhile to evaluate where one is, and where one wants to go. To see whether some things are worth fighting for, while some should be let go. Whether some should be raised to the surface, while some should be buried within the deeper recesses of one's mind: best forgotten.

The Roving Mind

So how's it been?

Really... I'm not yet sure.

Work's tough, and I do feel like I'm under a lot of pressure, but then again, I never expected it to be a walk in the park.

I like this new place. I can see myself settling down here, even as a single girl.

So far, life is good. I can't expect more from this. I wanted a new life, after all.

And yes, I came here with my heart in tatters. Half worn-out from all the struggles to keep afloat. And I knew that taking up this new challenge would make or break my relationship. It broke it.

So right now, I'm starting life anew as a single woman in a new land with new challenges that I need to face.

How's it been, after a month? I'm not sure. That's all I can say, right now. I hope God blesses this path. I hope He keeps me in His Grace.

Can't figure it out

I miss you.

But not the way I used to. I wonder if parts of me died inside.

If the feeling is slowly fading. Dying.

A part of me feels bereft. Empty.

It's been like this for awhile. The feeling of trying to keep things afloat.

I don't know, really. Should I stay, or should I go?

A friend of mine was telling me before I left, that she recently felt, and mentioned to her fiance: You don't please me anymore...

I wonder if that's the case here. And I wonder how long has it already been like this....

Drifting

I guess... finally.... we're really drifting apart. Today was the first day we did not talk to each other in a long time.

Maybe it's good in a way... maybe it makes it easier...

But if that's so... why does it hurt so badly?

Vicissitudes

Cada fallo,
cada imprecisión,
cada detalle,
todo bajo control.

Cada acierto,
cada aproximación,
cada escena,
bajo supervisión.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

No imaginas cómo sería yo si hubiera
esperado un segundo más el amor.

Ni mis gestos ni mi propia voz, ni mis besos
serían hoy de los dos.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

Si quieres venir conmigo a buscar la fórmula
exacta de la realidad intenta escribir a los
demás, procura que nadie nos oiga marchar.

Cada pregunta de cada respuesta de cada
persona de cada planeta de cada reflejo de
cada cometa de cada deseo de cada estrella.

***

Every failure,
every imprecision,
Every detail,
everything under control.

Every success,
Every approximation
Every scene,
under supervision.

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

You cannot imagine how I would be
If I had waited one second more for love

Neither my gestures nor my own voice
Nor my kisses would be for the two of us today

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

If you want to come with me
to look for the exact formula of reality
Try to write to the others
Ensure that nobody hears us go

In every question
Of every response
Of every person
Of every planet
Of every reflection
Of every comet
Of every desire
Of every star

Fear

It holds us back....

It kept me in KL, a place I've never really liked very much for almost 10 years.

It kept me from having real relationships with men, perhaps, always choosing the ones who could never really be truly intimate with me.

It kept me from breaking clean with someone I couldn't trust for 2 years.

Perhaps I was afraid of rejection. Perhaps I was afraid to be alone again.

But I'm not happy. I'm tired of the broken promises. Tired of not being able to fully trust someone. Tired of being just a little bit better than a best lady friend. What's so special about me, then... right?

I'm tired of being paranoid. Tired of being afraid.

Take a bow now. So the curtains have finally come down. Not for lack of trying. Perhaps it's just time to move on. Perhaps things aren't meant to be. Perhaps you and I, we're too different when it comes to our definition of fidelity vs. infidelity.

Thank you for 2 1/2 years. Not all of it were bad. We had some sweet moments... not enough, unfortunately, to make up for the sad ones.

But everyone needs a first love, and you were mine. Thank you for the memories.

Vicissitudes

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....

Maybe

Maybe it's time for me to just let everything go...

I'm tired of everything. I suppose a part of me really wants to make the grand move, it would be a push, one way or another. In a way, that would make or break everything.

And perhaps right now, that's what we need.