Solitude

This country is quiet...many people say... And it's true that one can be lonely even in a city of 1 billion.

But this place also seem to offer some kind of respite in a crazy busy world. The little parks right in the middle of a bustling neighbourhood, where amidst the noise and craze, one can always find a quiet place for some respite.

Sometimes that's best. To remove oneself from the rest of the world for awhile to evaluate where one is, and where one wants to go. To see whether some things are worth fighting for, while some should be let go. Whether some should be raised to the surface, while some should be buried within the deeper recesses of one's mind: best forgotten.

The Roving Mind

So how's it been?

Really... I'm not yet sure.

Work's tough, and I do feel like I'm under a lot of pressure, but then again, I never expected it to be a walk in the park.

I like this new place. I can see myself settling down here, even as a single girl.

So far, life is good. I can't expect more from this. I wanted a new life, after all.

And yes, I came here with my heart in tatters. Half worn-out from all the struggles to keep afloat. And I knew that taking up this new challenge would make or break my relationship. It broke it.

So right now, I'm starting life anew as a single woman in a new land with new challenges that I need to face.

How's it been, after a month? I'm not sure. That's all I can say, right now. I hope God blesses this path. I hope He keeps me in His Grace.

Can't figure it out

I miss you.

But not the way I used to. I wonder if parts of me died inside.

If the feeling is slowly fading. Dying.

A part of me feels bereft. Empty.

It's been like this for awhile. The feeling of trying to keep things afloat.

I don't know, really. Should I stay, or should I go?

A friend of mine was telling me before I left, that she recently felt, and mentioned to her fiance: You don't please me anymore...

I wonder if that's the case here. And I wonder how long has it already been like this....

Drifting

I guess... finally.... we're really drifting apart. Today was the first day we did not talk to each other in a long time.

Maybe it's good in a way... maybe it makes it easier...

But if that's so... why does it hurt so badly?

Vicissitudes

Cada fallo,
cada imprecisión,
cada detalle,
todo bajo control.

Cada acierto,
cada aproximación,
cada escena,
bajo supervisión.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

No imaginas cómo sería yo si hubiera
esperado un segundo más el amor.

Ni mis gestos ni mi propia voz, ni mis besos
serían hoy de los dos.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

Si quieres venir conmigo a buscar la fórmula
exacta de la realidad intenta escribir a los
demás, procura que nadie nos oiga marchar.

Cada pregunta de cada respuesta de cada
persona de cada planeta de cada reflejo de
cada cometa de cada deseo de cada estrella.

***

Every failure,
every imprecision,
Every detail,
everything under control.

Every success,
Every approximation
Every scene,
under supervision.

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

You cannot imagine how I would be
If I had waited one second more for love

Neither my gestures nor my own voice
Nor my kisses would be for the two of us today

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

If you want to come with me
to look for the exact formula of reality
Try to write to the others
Ensure that nobody hears us go

In every question
Of every response
Of every person
Of every planet
Of every reflection
Of every comet
Of every desire
Of every star

Fear

It holds us back....

It kept me in KL, a place I've never really liked very much for almost 10 years.

It kept me from having real relationships with men, perhaps, always choosing the ones who could never really be truly intimate with me.

It kept me from breaking clean with someone I couldn't trust for 2 years.

Perhaps I was afraid of rejection. Perhaps I was afraid to be alone again.

But I'm not happy. I'm tired of the broken promises. Tired of not being able to fully trust someone. Tired of being just a little bit better than a best lady friend. What's so special about me, then... right?

I'm tired of being paranoid. Tired of being afraid.

Take a bow now. So the curtains have finally come down. Not for lack of trying. Perhaps it's just time to move on. Perhaps things aren't meant to be. Perhaps you and I, we're too different when it comes to our definition of fidelity vs. infidelity.

Thank you for 2 1/2 years. Not all of it were bad. We had some sweet moments... not enough, unfortunately, to make up for the sad ones.

But everyone needs a first love, and you were mine. Thank you for the memories.

Vicissitudes

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....

Maybe

Maybe it's time for me to just let everything go...

I'm tired of everything. I suppose a part of me really wants to make the grand move, it would be a push, one way or another. In a way, that would make or break everything.

And perhaps right now, that's what we need.

Tears

It's been said that no man is worth your tears, and when you find one who is, he wouldn't make you cry.

Defense of my Faith

This is a response to a Muslim man asking on a discussion board what the concept of the Christian God is, especially pertaining to Catholics. He said that our concept of God is wrong, and that we are confused.

And here is my response:

Dear Y,

C is right. You have come here not with an open mind to study the 'fors' and 'againsts' of Christianity, but have only brought a bucketful of negatives.

As for knowing what is God, surely.... in your heart, you would know. He comes when your heart and your mind is open, not when you are looking for riches, or 4D number, or fame, or power, or clouded by lust...

He comes when you need protection, He comes when you are afraid and lonely. He comes, not in the form of a ghost, but in ways that you can feel and 'see', not see.

I believe that God is good. And when I pray for guidance, He will come to me. That is the faith that spoke to C, and spoke to me.

I believe that God came to me, when I needed Him most, and He has made me a kinder, more loving, more understanding person. If that is not God talking to me, then who is?

The Devil is asking me to forgive the people who burnt our churches? The Devil is asking me to speak kindly and not take offense by your words? The Devil is asking me to pray for these people who burns our churches that they may see that what they are doing is wrong?

I think not.

So please, don't insult our sensibilities by saying that we don't know God's loving touch when we feel it in our lives.

God always shows us that we must do what is right. Even if it is painful. Even if it is difficult.

C has experienced it. So have I. So I am pretty darn sure it was not Satan talking to me when someone touched my heart and asked me to forgive my aggressor, who had physically hurt me, so many years ago.

It is very obvious from your repeated postings over and over again, that you don't understand, and that you don't wish to.

As for ayour argument that we may use Allah, but the translation in our Bible is not right... I don't understand it. You are in the group MENENTANG PENGGUNAAN NAMA ALLAH OLEH GOLONGAN BUKAN MUSLIM. But nevermind that.

How do we then translate: I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; Do not have any other gods before me?

No, rest assured, none of us here hate you, or find what you write offensive, however, bear in mind that we are no fools. We know when you are sincere, and when you are not.

There is a lot of bigotry when it comes to Catholicism, many misconceptions and misunderstanding... The only way to counteract such bigotry is by telling the truth, [as we know it]. However, in my experience, many do not wish to listen, or to understand, wanting to believe what they choose to believe. This type of bigotry reflects on the ignorance of the person itself. A, S, B, P, C and myself have defended our church and our faith, but we are also prepared to let go and to move on.

If God chooses that you understand one day, it will happen. And I trust in Him to let that happen. In His Will, and in His Time.

However, if you wish to know what the Catholic concept of God is, as much as I was taught, like C says, it is Love. In my home, we have a beautiful picture. In it is a Cross. One the Top of the Cross was written God. One the right was Faith. One the left was Hope. One the bottom was Love. And the words: And the greatest of these is Love.

Why do we not react to the bombings of our churches? Because we understand that concept. We practise it. There is a hymn sung in church, it goes: They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love... They will know we are Christians by our love.

GOD IS LOVE. Faith, Hope, Love. And the greatest of these is Love. On this facebook group itself, are the words that are the greatest testimony of Christian living: LET ALL THAT YOU DO BE DONE IN LOVE.

You keep saying we are hurt. You are wrong over and over again.

No we aren't.

Because we are Christians. Because we let our actions speak louder than our words. Because we believe GOD IS LOVE. And because we let others know we are Christians by our Love.

WE LET ALL THAT WE DO BE DONE IN LOVE. BECAUSE OUR GOD IS A LOVING GOD. OUR GOD IS LOVE.

And by His Great Love, He gave us His Son, that we may Understand that Love, Feel it, Know it, Learn it, Practise it, Preach it. Because in His Infinite Wisdom, He knew that by such Great LOVE, He would give us Faith, and Hope.

And here we are, 2010 years later. Still going Strong. Because of His Great Love. And we will preach our Christianity by PRACTISING it.

NOT by hundreds of academical discussions and papers.

But by LIVING our lives as Christians. By LIVING our lives with LOVE. By touching the lives of the people that come into contact with us and giving them Faith and Hope that there is STILL humanity, there is STILL forgiveness, there is STILL love in this world despite the hatred we see around us. Every single day.

Now do you understand why I say our religion is a LIVING religion? It is not about a book. It is about LIVES. It is about CHRISTIAN LIVING. It is about practising, on a day-to-day basis what it MEANS to become CLOSER to God.

You can read about religion as much as you want. Espouse it in forums, debate it with learned people in conference rooms, in libraries all around the world. But do you PRACTISE it? Do you LIVE it? Do you KNOW what God means? What he TRULY means? Have you spent your time tending to the cancer patients who are dying? Gone to spend time with people whose only thoughts are of survival?

How will the people who need to survive KNOW God when they can't even read? When they have nothing to eat?

You can argue phrases after phrases, verses after verses to them... but do you show them Kindness? Do you show them Compassion? Do you give them Faith? Do you give them Hope? In humanity? Do you show them LOVE?

We who profess with our tongue that Christ is our Lord and our God, CAN.

We CAN. We HAVE. We WILL.

We don't believe in salvation by faith alone. But by faith, and by good works practised because of that faith. By our lives, we have proven it.

We have done it time after time again.

Pope John Paul II forgave and BLESSED his Muslim assasinator.

Mother Teresa sacrificed her beauty, her youth, her life for the poor of Calcutta.

We Christians here in Malaysia, are rallying to pray for the forgiveness of those who bombed our churches, and also to protect and guide us in this time of persecution and trial.

We Christians live by example. And THAT is the way we KNOW our God. THAT is the way we UNDERSTAND Him.

Not on paper. Not in a book. Not on forums or discussion boards. But with our spirits. With our souls. With our very lives.

God bless you, and peace be upon you.

AMEN.

2010

So many things have happened recently....

And I have so many things on my mind...

But before all that, I figure I should write out what I plan to do this year first. Not exactly resolutions, just some goals:

1. To step out of my comfort zone.

I want to do things I never thought I would do, things I never thought I COULD do. Well, if given the opportunity, I'd like to try. It's time. How would I know what I can or cannot do if I do not try?

2. To live life.

To attempt work-life balance, to stop and smell the roses sometimes, to enjoy what I do, or to find something to enjoy. We have only one life to live, after all.

3. To write again.

I've been putting this off for years, it's time to pick this up again. Who knows where it will bring me?

4. To travel more.

I've always loved travel and culture. Now that AirAsia has zero fares, it should not be an excuse to not do the things I love. I recently got back from Manila and loved it. I should do this more often. Even if I do it alone.

5. To be happy with myself.

For so long, I let my insecurities get in my way. This year I want to learn to enjoy my own company, like I used to. To do things on my own a little bit more. I've started doing that again in 2009, and I hope in 2010 to continue.

6. To take more serious steps about my 5 year goal.

To save more money, to look to the future, to plan for a house, to plan for a career. I'm not getting any younger. It's time.

7. To pick up a hobby.

Gardening, dancing. Something. I haven't figured that out yet, it wouldn't be easy. But it's a goal, nonetheless.

8. To be a better person.

Simple. Just to be better than 2009. Humbler, kinder, more loving, more compassionate.

I think these are good goals to work towards... now I hope I can keep this up, not just for this year, but for years to come. :)

Emo :P

Excuse the emo post...

This is from a Taiwanese drama based on a true story by the producer Yu Hao Wen: Roseate Love.

梁文音 - 哭過就好了

Rachel Liang - I'll Be Fine After Crying

詞:姚若龍 曲:陳小霞

不喜歡懷疑什麼

Not liking to suspect anything

並不表示我 沒有感受

Doesn't mean that I have no feelings

看你微妙的變化 慢慢不同

Looking at your subtle changes, slowly different

我不是生氣 只是心痛

I'm not angry, just hurt

最討厭被誤會了

Disliking most to be misunderstood

但越解釋越 覺得難過

But the more I explained, the sadder I got

你可以說人會變

You can say that people will change

但不能說 你會這麼做 是我的錯

But cannot say; It was my fault that you would do that

Chorus:

哭過就好了

I'll be fine after crying

傷都會好的

My wounds will heal

這樣相信所以深呼吸著割捨

Thus I believe, so I took a deep breath when letting go

愛是為了擁抱　為了牽手

Love is for embracing, for holding hands

不是為了爭吵　為了調頭

Not for arguing, for turning away

哭過就好了

I'll be fine after crying

痛都會走的

Pain will go away

記憶有限　所以它會淘汰壞的

Memory is limited so it'll eliminate the bad ones

失眠聽歌 想念雖然苦澀

Although it's an agony to lose sleep, listen to music and miss you

還是謝謝你讓我長大了

I still thank you for letting me grow up

越多美好堆疊的過往

The past has more good times piled up

想忘就得推倒更大的悲傷

Deeper sorrows need to be overturned to be forgotten

要找勇氣卻不在口袋或手上

The courage I need to find is not in my pocket or my hand

但它一定在我身上某個地方

But it must be somewhere within me

哭過就好了

I'll be fine after crying

痛都會走的

Pain will go away

記憶有限　所以它會淘汰壞的

Memory is limited so it'll eliminate the bad ones

失眠聽歌　想念雖然苦澀

Although it's an agony to lose sleep, listen to music and miss you

還是謝謝你讓我長大了

I still thank you for letting me grow up

Whatever....

I haven't been into the kitchen for about 4 months....

And I haven't stepped into it for a good 2 weeks, except to get water, which is right at the kitchen's edge.

Because previously there was a fight about me not cleaning up, me not caring about the house, me being selfish, me not taking out the trash, me not wanting to live in harmony....

Needless to say, I was Very Pissed Off. When I first moved in here, I cleaned not just my room, but the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room. I spent a good few days cleaning the place and making it habitable.

All everyone had to do was just to maintain it.

Of course, at the time, I was in between work, and I was free to do all that.

And naturally, once I started working, I didn't have as much time to clean up all the time.

It is EVERYONE's house, not just mine. And even if I'm the only girl in the house, everyone had a role to play.

Of course, I'm not perfect. No one is... I sometimes leave things in the sink overnight because: a) I forgot about it and b) I don't like to scrub the pans, it ruins them.

But I'll wash up the next morning, I've never left it there more than a night. And I DEFINITELY do not expect any one of them to wash up after me.

But what was said to me was really too much. They made it sound as if I'm a freeloader, and I've never once played my part in the household. That was what made me really really mad.

Twice before, the trash turned into a breeding ground for maggots. And twice it was me who ended up cloroxing the damn kitchen down and cleaning up.

After the quarrel, there was a time I came back from Penang and the entire house was stinking of trash, it was like a dumping ground. So I told one of the main tenants about it, and I said: You know I don't use the kitchen anymore, just as I know you don't either. I'd take it out this once, because if we left it there till tomorrow, it'd start growing maggots.

So I took it out. Even if not a single one of it is my damn trash, and I had actually tried, to avoid misunderstanding and more arguments, to prepare a duty roster for everyone. Needless to say, the roster didn't work either.

Today, after not stepping into the kitchen area for 4 months, after not using a single thing in the place other than the kettle and the sink for water, I walked into the kitchen in broad daylight to do my laundry.

The trash was full to the brim. The trash was stinking..... and they were maggots on the floor. All over the kitchen.

I was accused of not throwing my trash. I was accused of messing up the kitchen. I was accused of not cleaning up. I was accused of not doing my part. I was told to Fuck Off....

They laugh behind my back about my habits. For them, I'm just a useful pest that helps them pay the rent, and it's best that I don't use anything but pay for it anyway.

Now that I haven't contributed to a single trash in that kitchen. I have not even touched a single utensil, including the fridge. I have not made any mess to even clean up in the first place. I have no part to play at all with regards to the kitchen. I have, essentially Fucked Off the kitchen.

I wonder whose trash is that that caused the maggots to be crawling all over the kitchen?

I wonder how long the maggots have been there to start with?

And I wonder who is to be held accountable for it this time?

Me, again?

I'm not going to clean up after them this time around. Honestly, I don't care.

Am I being C.A.L.C.U.L.A.T.I.V.E.? Really? If I am, then I don't know what they are being.

I may be a girl, but I'm not a doormat. And if they are truly men, they should know better than to treat me like one.

Time for Miracles...

Did I mention I think Adam Lambert should've won American Idol?

Well, this is why... from the soundtrack of 2012.

Perhaps it's time for miracles now:

It’s late at night and I can’t sleep

Missing you just runs too deep

Oh I can’t be thinking of your smile

Every kiss you can’t forget

This aching heart ain’t broken yet

Oh God I wish I could make you see

Cause I know this flame isn’t dying

So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cause I ain’t giving up on love

You know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cause I ain’t giving up on love

No I ain’t giving up on us

I just want to be with you

Cuz living is so hard to do

When all I know is trapped inside your eyes

The future I cannot forget

This aching heart ain’t broken yet

Oh God I wish I could make you see

Cuz I know this flame isn’t dying

So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cuz I ain’t giving up on love

You know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cause I ain’t giving up on love

No I ain’t giving up on us

Baby can you feel it(feel it)

You know I can hear it(hear it)

So can you feel it feel it….

You know it’s time….

Baby you know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cuz I ain’t giving up on love

You know that

Maybe it’s time for miracles

Cuz I ain’t giving up on love

You know I ain’t giving up on us

You know I ain’t giving up on

Oh I ain’t giving up on us

~Time for Miracles, Performed by: Adam Lambert, Written by: Alain Johannes and Natasha Shneider~

The Keepers

You may be the keeper of shadows and secrets.... but I'm the keeper of light and truth.

It doesn't matter if I embarrass myself, because for me, it's better embarrassing myself once than for the rest of my life. Which is why I'd go to great lengths to find out if I'm living a lie.

Going off to see nature now. Really need the break. Fed up with all the hypocrisy and the shadows around me here in the city.

At least, nature never lies.

Mornings

It's really nice to wake up to the smell of food wafting up from the kitchen.... :) When I was young, I'd had thought I'd be married by this age :)

Funny how life is... it rarely turns out the way you expect it to.

Vicissitudes

I know the only constant in life is change.... yet if I have not convictions, or principles, I am nothing.

At least, sir, even if we come from opposing viewpoints, you, as a man of convictions and principles, should be able to understand that, or understand that that is common ground between us.

Peace

Wednesday, 23 September 2009. 2059 hours.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. And the reason will reveal itself in due time. Also that things will fall in place when you're ready for it.

Today I ran into someone I haven't 'ran into' for more than 3 years. Yet I was in love with him for 6 years. Funny. We used to 'run into' each other often enough.

I find that it is indeed a blessing to be able to stand tall, look him in the eyes, greet him by name and say 'Hi'. And to find that you don't blubber, or stutter, or blush, or gasp, or feel little butterflies. But that you're calm and at peace with yourself. When asked 'How are you?', you can actually smile and say 'I'm good, thanks.' and mean it, and be able to walk away without looking back. Because you are.

You're comfortable with who you are, where you are and where you're going, and happy with your life in general.

And all you feel when you look at your recently married former heartbreak is a mere slight twinge of nostalgia for the days when you could share a meal and laugh at inane things that strike your fancies, knowing that those days are no more, and not regretting it.

Knowing also that you've known for a pretty long while that he wasn't meant for you, and being alright with that knowledge.

An Open Letter to that Someone in his life

Hi...

Right now I'm a stranger to you. I wonder if you know about me, just as I do about you. I'm quite certain you do. We have common friends after all. And much as we would like to avoid it, there's always a chance we might end up meeting each other. Whether we like it or not, the world's not that big a place at all. Not enough to completely disappear in forever.

I wonder too, if I should smoke you out. As I know you have questions about me, as much as I do about you.

I know you decided one day, perhaps around the middle of the year, to leave his ghost behind you. I can identify. I've tried doing that to others before him too.

I know there was a point in his life you held on to him most dearly, hoping he'd return your affections, finding it painfully difficult to let go, and never completely doing so, although you knew that it was best for your sanity to do so. I also know that although he tried letting you walk away, it's in his nature to let the world know he feels pain, and because he loves the adulation, it's hard for him to let any female just walk away. Takes nerves of steel and a lot of heart-hardening for a female to do so. Even perhaps ripping a part of your heart out and leaving it behind just so you can find the anger and pain to give you the courage to go. And perhaps you have finally, after so many years, grew the nerves to do so.

I can identify. Perhaps, not fully understand, but identify somewhat. After all, it took me 6 long years to finally put my foolish unrequited love behind me.

Like you, I had fooled myself into believing he loved me. Although it was perhaps merely emotional and physical attraction on his part, and a lot of affection, but nothing more. Like you, I should have perhaps not allowed him to cajole me into crossing a line I had set for myself. Like you, I had fallen victim to my passions, and perhaps, youthful images of romance which, like you, I had tried so hard to hold back and repress.

We were both young and foolish once. We both have had our hearts broken by men we had put our energies and time in, and pinned our hopes and dreams on. We both had a certain image of happiness crumble to dust at our feet, and we have had ourselves to blame while we tried picking them up and trying our darnedest to put them back together, knowing it would be forever scarred and forever changed. We have both grown up much from those days. We have both had our fair share of pain.

So forgive me for intruding into the calm you've tried so hard to find for yourself. I know you've abandoned your thoughts at one place. But those used to writing and needing a space to confide in, no matter if no one knows of it would always return to writing, albeit someplace else. I know that after going from place to place, and abandoning your thoughts here and there, and after trying to cut him out of your life altogether now, you've made a mini-comeback elsewhere. I'm also aware that you'd rather he not know where it is. And I can understand and respect that.

I wonder if I should send this your way. I apologise if this is unwelcome or uncomfortable. But because both he and I would both be moving in new directions, and like you, I'd like to lay some ghosts to rest, myself. Unfortunately, because I know of your relationship with him, although he didn't know to what extent my intuition allowed me insights into the situation, even when he and I were together, you're one of those ghosts. And my intuition also tells me due to his penchant to attempt to keep his secrets close to his chest, because firstly, he forgets, and secondly, in his own warped way, he believes he's shielding me from the harm of knowing too many of his demons, and thirdly, he knows that if I know too many things, I will distrust him. He believes I'm paranoid. And he's right. To a certain extent.

I trust no one. Not even myself. 'Myself' has led me into many a trouble more than once. The only thing I trust are things that are intangible. Like intuition. It's saved my hide many times. Like karma. What goes around comes around. I've seen that happen often enough, and I'm glad for it. Like a higher entity. Call it God. Call it Cosmic Force. Call it Higher Power. It's protected my soul and my physical shell many times.

He's only human. Like myself. Like you. We're fallible. We make errors. I know he's trying to make amends now. For his own sake. I know he realises now that he's let many people and many things and many years and many opportunities pass him by while he struggles to regain his footing and get back into his own game.

Unfortunately, you had to be one of those people used as a form of pawn to help him get back on his feet. I know he didn't mean it to be that way. I know he cared for you very much in his own way. He probably still does. Unfortunately, foolishly, he needed you as a form of emotional crutch, an 'ego-booster' of sorts. He perhaps thought that if you didn't fall in love with him, you'd leave him to his misery faster than any of us could say 'bye'. He wanted affection so badly. Those he wanted thought him friends. In his own way, he probably hoped that one day he could learn to return your love for him too. Unfortunately, he let it go on for so long, by the time he realised he could not love you the way you wanted him to, the damage was done.

He had hurt you deeply and he had no way around it, even if he was genuinely very sorry and guilty about the whole affair. Perhaps that's why although you possibly had a big fat bank account, while he had to fight with me over things as mundane as coming for a visit, he let you siphon off him anyway, even when we were together.

And you possibly felt it was justified, cruelly thinking that since he found some semblance of happiness while you were still wallowing in misery, it was right that he compensated for stringing you along for years. You've probably showed him more than you've shown any other male, and let him see you in ways you'd never allow anyone else to ever see.

I'm sorry. For the hurt he's caused you. For the hurt my being around compounded on you. And for my bringing this up. But I need to know what happened, which I know I may never get from his side of the story, and if my intuition is right. I need to get past this to close that chapter, regardless of where he and I end up. Like you putting him in write-off tray until, perhaps many years later. Or until you find your own happiness.

I told him once, between a male and a female, once deeper emotions are involved, there's no such thing as 'friends'. Not unless both parties have moved on from each other. It's merely an excuse to keep the emotions going, and to stay together, or keep in touch. Nobody is fooled one bit by that excuse. He said nothing at that point. Perhaps because he's got a few 'friends' he's labelled as such, which, his mind, his heart and his gonads are at serious conflict about. I left him to it, though. I've said my piece, and he knows where I stand on that.

We both need closure. But I'm not going to rape your emotions once more. If you'd rather not, I can completely understand.

Jaded

I have a grandfather that had two wives.

An uncle that has at least 4 wives. And he's estranged from at least one of them.

Another uncle that was one of my hometown's first top chartered accountants, and lost everything, including possibly, some of his sanity when his wife, who wasn't very beautiful, and definitely not very educated, upped and left him for another man, taking their children with her. And all his money and assets. He lost everything that day.

I have another uncle who did not really have a love marriage. But who was with my auntie for many years, bringing up 5 children together. In recent years, he hooked up with several Indon girls.

A sister-in-law that is a child of divorced parents. Her father went off with another woman. Her sister is divorced due to an accident the hospital could be sued for.

Sometimes I have nothing to say.

I watch all these around me and can't help feeling disappointed and depressed.

I can't help but lose more and more of that blanket of innocence surrounding me, that fresh romanticism of youth. And watch romance with jaded eyes.

I can't help but feel, sometimes, that I never want to be married.

That I never want to be in any of these situations.

Love marriage. Arranged marriage.

You'd think, at how I've witnessed these situations all my life, at how bitter and angry and spiteful adults can be to one another, that they've never once shared a single intimate moment together. That they've never shared affection with each other. That they've never known companionship, or at least a certain companionable silence. You'd think they were born to hate each other with a loathing so complete, it's all-consuming.

I don't know if I've ever known what true love means. How is it like? Would I know it when I see it? Or am I blinded by other passions? Some people never know it. Some lose it before they realise it was there.

What I do know is this:

Falling in love with someone is a feeling.

Loving someone is a choice.

Staying in love with someone is an effort.

Love. And sex. They're both choices.

We choose to work on what we have.

We choose to stay committed.

We choose to refrain ourselves from being in situations of temptation. Or walking away when we are.

We choose who we stay in love with.

Because nothing lasts forever. Not without effort. Not without choice.

Like sex. There's no such thing as drunken sex. Even when I got so drunk I couldn't remember my evening the next morning, I was told that rather than going home with someone I was dancing with and who was obviously hitting on me, I chose to go to the toilet and call my friends.

After all, one can choose to NOT get so drunk in the first place.

A lot of things are excuses we make up to cover for our shortcomings. Our flaws. Because we know that if we take a clear looking glass that can look into our souls, we'd cringe at the ugliness we see and find in ourselves. The glass is always tinted...

I don't love her anymore.

She is a jealous and obsessive cunt.

She nags too damn much.

She's so freakin' clingy.

She can't bear me sons.

He hardly has time for me.

He works too hard.

The other man sees me while he doesn't look at me anymore.

Excuses. Valid, perhaps. But does s/he know? Was effort made to rekindle the relationship before moving on to infidelity?

If one is in a committed relationship, infidelity is no excuse. The choice was made. You chose who you wanted to be with. Why cheat? Why not just break up so the other party has a chance to find someone who truly loves him or her? At least, someone who treats him/ her better than you do? Better than you'll ever know how to? Or better than you'll ever WANT to?

Infidelity. It's selfishness and irresponsibility to the core.

I can't stomach it. If you chose me to be Queen to your King... then treat me like one. I don't care if you've treated all your previous women like manure strewn all over your garden or flushed down your septic tank. But if you want me in your life, treat me like the Gold heirloom that was preciously passed from generation to generation. Treat me like a respected Partner. Your Equal. Your other Half.

Else why should I stay? I've seen too much. Heard too much. Watched too much.

There's too much heartbreak in this world. And I'd really rather not bring children into a relationship that's fractured. A child born into a family deserves the love of both parents. Not parents at each other's necks. Not one parent who's in love with another woman but stays with one, just because. Children should be spared that kind of heartbreak whenever possible. A child might as well be born to a single loving parent if that were the case.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm disappointed with the world.

I don't know what I'd do if put in such a situation. I think, rather than fight for someone who plays games with me and cannot commit wholeheartedly to me, the way I would to him, I think I'd rather turn my heart to ice where he's concerned. Pack up my bags and leave, never to return for the next 20 years or so. If he doesn't love me the way ANY woman should be loved, then it's pointless to stay. Whether or not children are in the picture. I'd rather children witness a quiet divorce than watch their two parents growing to hate each other more and more as each day goes by. Or worse, be indifferent to each other.

I don't know. I had 250 people ask me within the space of half an hour, when is my turn to be married. I wish I could tell them sometimes I really don't feel like I should.

I can see myself more a mother than a wife. A child needs me. A child wants me. A child loves me. A child would never have another mother. Not one that brought him/ her up anyway. A child's love would be unconditional. A child would love me as much as I love him/ her. Return my wholehearted affection with his/ her own.

A child would never love in halves.

Perhaps that's what true love is. Loving in whole.

Does he love me in whole? I hope so. What does the future hold though? Thing is, we don't know.