sick

fainted. crapped my pants when i was out. in public. sighs....

psycho says there's never a dull moment with me. but but.... i would, honestly, rather stay in the background most days.

especially that day.

guess it was a culmination of many many bad things. and some highstringing ones.

Random Tortoise Question

A totally random question on a Sunday night:

I wonder:

If a tortoise somehow fell on it's back, with it's feet in the air, if no one turns it back on its feet, would it die of starvation? How would it be able to get back on its feet?

Vindaloo Curry

In one of House's episodes, House's ex-wife described their relationship as vindaloo curry. Spicy, flavourful, exciting, so hot. And you go on eating because it tastes so good until it burns. And then you never want to even look at curry again. Until one day, you wake up, and you just want vindaloo curry so bad.

I wonder if sometimes we're just drawn to people like that. So different in many fundamental ways, and would never come together if not for being drawn that way. And despite both parties' best efforts and good intentions, sometimes it's just best to leave the curry alone.

Because curry will be curry. Curry will never change. If it's watered down, it's not curry anymore.

Digital Love

he hides behind binaries,
copper wires for the win,
makes a place for secret identities,
alternate universe that's unseen.

secret names and secret faces,
alterego to hide behind,
takes him to secret places,
which reality cannot find.

gives him a different mien,
digital caresses in an unkind world,
while reality is a fiend,
virtual lets his confidence unfurl.

lost in a sea of zeros and ones,
happy in a world of make-believe,
careless to the love that would bear him sons,
sending her keeling off a cliff.

she's lost in a world progressively grey,
lost sight of the world she so loves,
a world of sunshine, bright and gay,
with a man she could hold and love.

she's lost in a world that blurs right from wrong,
lost sight of what is true,
he brings the past tense into present form,
makes her take more than she can chew.

she's battle weary, oh is it worth the fight?
one step away from cutting ties,
her heart is heavy, her chest is tight,
she's tired of the little white lies.

Milk

Milk: you can do so much with it. As a drink for the most basic nutrients. Cultured milk. In another drink, eg. tea or coffee. Yoghurt. Cheese. In cooking. Ice-cream that makes people happy. And etcetera, etcetera. All the potential.

Yet once it's tainted there's not much use for it except down the drain. Once it's spilt, there's nothing else to do with it. Wasted potential.

Spilt milk. What's there to do with spilt milk?

An Act of Seven Ages-As You Like It

They say nice girls finish last. And good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. So I wonder often: Where do the imperfect average like myself go then? Which word am I among the pages of the great novel? Which drop am I in the vastness of the waters of the oceans? Which blip am I in the cosmic radar?

Pray tell me, because I'd surely like to know.

Who am I? Say I'm a pawn in the great chess game... then, what is my function? What is my role?

They say all the world's a stage... the men and women merely its' players... they have their exits and their entrances... and one man in his time, plays many parts... his act being seven ages....

Maybe so. If I'm lucky. So what is my role?

Sometimes... I know I'm too choosy, at times. Yet at other times, I wonder if I settle too quickly.

Someone once told me I demanded perfection too much. The perfect man. The perfect job. Is that so? Another told me my idea of the perfect man is one who builds his life around me. But then, wouldn't that bore me?

I want something that will last. Or at least, the foundations of a lasting legacy. Am I foolish to hold on to the notion that I certainly do not expect to be the first, but I would hope to be, like to be, the last? Is that too much naivete? Or is that demanding too little, of myself, especially?

Seven ages... an act of seven ages is a long time. I would want it to be fulfilling.. at the very least.

A Healthy Dose of Skepticism

i know this is old... but this is just a reminder of what could have been.

and also, to remind the new government of their promises to the people. call me jaded, but when it comes to politics, i believe in a healthy dose of skepticism :P

so now, let's see if we can trust the new government of 5 states just that little bit more :)

Life's many contradictions

people ask me: do you look forward to your trip, and my mind comes up blank. because honestly, i'm more worried about the job than anything else. and i think i would only get excited about trips after i've settled jobs.

guess i work that way: i don't particularly like surprises. i normally like to know what i'm pitting myself up against. yes, i'd take risks. but only if i can gauge the odds. and definitely not when it comes to anything of great importance in my life. and only when i'm prepared.

see, i'm like this mule. i look docile, but try to get me to do something i don't want, and u're up against a granite brick. shove, pull, yank, cajole, i won't move a muscle. might as well have been planted, no, ROOTED there.

yes, i'm worried. it's new. and i think i'm comfort eating. :(

****

i miss staying up late and hearing myself. i've so many things i wanna write, but which i've put off to oblivion cos: a) i fell asleep. b) i was unmotivated because my computer is really too slow to run more than 2 apps at one time. c) some things are kinda private, and i'm not sure if it would be wise putting things here.

i guess this poem i memorised when i was 13 would probably sum things up cryptically enough. not sure i remember ALL of it, in it's entirety, or whether the arrangement is quite right. no matter. i think it brings it's point across well enough:

what is this life if, full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare?

no time to stand beneath the boughs,
and stare as long as sheep and cows.

no time to see when woods we pass,
where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

no time to see, in broad daylight,
streams full of stars, like skies at night.

no time to turn at Beauty's glance,
and watch her feet, how they can dance.

no time to wait, till her mouth can,
enrich that smile her eyes began?

a poor life, this, if full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare.

i can't quite remember what the title is, but i think it's by a w.h. davis.

sometimes, a person can be around, but not THERE, if you know what i mean. like i'm looking at you, but not seeing you. i'm listening to you, but not hearing you. or i'm sleeping with you, but not loving you. like existing, but not living. like buying things, but never using them. like coming to work everyday, but never feeling motivated. like the earth can collapse at your feet today, and all you are going to feel is relief.

life has little meaning, lived that way. there's got to be more to life than just that.

The Post-Mortem... Free of Charge from a Mere Slip of a Weak Female Mind

In every report I've made for you, 1 important issue stands out:

The prices of goods have increased, aka inflation.

Do we need a post-mortem? These reports were done before the elections. Obviously, all that hanky-panky with the housekeeper puts the chief to sleep during the day....

The people do not need flashy adverts during every tv or radio commercial, or in bright-fluorescent lit billboards at every lrt station, or full-page adverts in major dailies to KNOW that although there's been growth in this country, the people are not getting any of it. There's economic growth... and yet there's major inflation. [Which begs to ask, by the way, how much of good, hardworking, taxpayers' money did you spend on campaigning this year? I demand a breakdown of your budget.]

Selamat. Aman. Makmur. I beg to differ, and here are my arguments, based on each propagandic word.

Selamat: Where is it? People get brutally murdered... bombed up to smithereens... but we hardly see justice being done. In the last 5 years... horrible crimes has been committed, especially to women [want me to name names? Here are the few high-profile ones: Canny Ong (in Bangsar Shopping Complex), Normala Samsuddin (in Desa Sri Hartamas) and most recently, Altantuya Sharibuu (in the air we breathe in everyday, cos the poor woman was combusted into dust particles)], and yet, despite our constitution being amended a mind-boggling 690 times (that's close to 700, mind you) in a mere 50 years of independence, RAPE laws in this country has difficulty getting passed. 50 years and counting. No, as a mere slip of a woman, I definitely do NOT feel SELAMAT here... especially when just mere weeks before the election, rempit snatchthieves grabbed my bag in broad daylight in a public area.

Aman: What's so aman about this? In 4 years, my personal experience was having my bag grabbed by rempit snatchthieves in major commercial public areas 2 times. That's averaging once every 2 years. And the one fucking the duyung on the side wants to absorb these people who refuse to work but steal from the weak into an alternative police force? Letting them take the law into their own hands literally. No. I don't feel AMAN either.

Makmur: Ahhhh..... rising prices of petrol and toll.... leading to rising prices of goods everywhere..... 'nuff said. Mana keMAKMURannya?

The tagline falls short of its' promises. Is it any wonder discerning people choose otherwise? It's been clear from the start. If you choose NOT to see and listen and understand it, then you do NOT deserve the people's mandate.

Historic

As many would know... the results are out.

What can I say:

i've got pseudo-pheochromocytoma :P

it's the dawn of a new era.

it's a HISTORIC moment.

we are finally making a stand, and giving our mandate.

we are standing at the threshold of change.

racial politics is at least 30 years obsolete. and finally, people are starting to know it.

anarchy and apathy is dead.

it's a REVOLUTION. Che Guevara be proud.

watch out for snatchthievesrempitarmy backlash maychapsastyle, though.

now i can't say much... knowing the crackdown on bloggers... but still... i HAD to say something :)

Many months ago, I was talking to two of my best girlfriends, till the wee hours of the morning... and we were predicting this. it's been long simmering, brewing... and we've been needing such a change for a long time, though. young people of this country is beginning to speak up for change, and i couldn't be happier.

it's a historic moment. but let's not forget the sacrifices we've had to make to get here, and let's not rest on our laurels. the story is just only beginning. let's write us a good one.

Pingpingpinging Myself Into Oblivion

I'm wondering if... I should learn to not wear my heart on my sleeves as much, if I should learn to keep my distance a little more...

That way, at least, I would be less dependent.

I'm tired. Of so many things. Guess it's time out.

Ping ping ping ping ping.........

Unfinished

There are times when you come to mind.

And I wonder about what you're doing and how you are. And yet I never pick up the phone to call, in fact, I might have forgotten your number now. Funny, because only recently, I still did. Someone asked me if I have mental blocks. And I wonder if you're one of it.

And I wonder, too, what it would be if we were still talking.

I wonder about the what ifs, what could bes, and what might have beens.

I also wonder, what we would say to each other if we ever do cross paths in the future. Would I recognise your face if I see you again? Would you remember me? Would we pretend we didn't see each other and walk away? Or would we stop to say hello, even stop for a drink for old times' sakes?

I've no business wondering. I did force myself to forget.

And its strange that, almost always, invariably, the memory of you visits me when I'm at my saddest. When episodes of my life flashes before my closed eyes like seasons from a sitcom. So clear it was almost like yesterday.

In a way, perhaps, you're one of my regrets, if I have any. Perhaps because between you and I, its unfinished business.

So many things left unsaid, so much emotions left unspoken, so much left unexplained.

Although, I could, in a way, conclude from the lack of communication, a form of closure in itself, still, it's different than hearing it from you.

But perhaps, that always was our issue in the first place. You never really did speak much, and for myself, then, being young as I was, neither did I.

Henceforth, I promised myself that I would speak my mind, at whatever cost, because when it comes to you and I....

I just regret how things turned out.

Change

I moved house.

I quit my job.

Now seems to be a time of great change for me. Yes, I've changed jobs many times, moved house even more times. Normally it's job then house. But this time feels different. This time it's the other way around. And this time... feels like I'm setting up roots. Well, I hope this feeling is a premonition for greater, better things.

Perhaps it's consolidating. I'm not sure how to put it. I just know that the time is right, and I'm stabilising myself. How do I know this? I see the signs, and my heart feels at peace. For the first time in a very long while.

I've prayed for this moment for many years. And through my mistakes and my many trials and errors, I think I roughly know where I stand now. As I was telling a friend, I feel God's guiding hands making this decision in terms of career path. It would be a lot of hard work, but hopefully the lessons learnt will be the ones that guide me in future undertakings.

After all, nothing in life worth having comes easy, no? We all have our crosses to bear. And really, I have come to understand that God, in infinite Wisdom, never gives us more than we can carry at any one time. How did I come to understand this? Slowly.... over many bitter episodes, and much contemplation over many years.

So yes, I'm still running the good race, still keeping the good faith. It's a long way to go yet, and I've barely just begun.

DRAMAS

Strange how when all is coming to an end... when things no longer matter as much as they used to, I have a strange ability to make a 180 degrees change from annoyed and angry, to civil, pleasant, even.

He was startlingly pleasant, too. Of course, initially, he was condescending. But when I had proof, he didn't believe it, and called up his friend. When I was proven right, the next thing you know, he was downright ass-kissing. Hur hur hur.

So I smiled back. Said my pleases and thankyous. I was so sweet you could get diabetes. Because the cards are in my hands now. So I suppose I could afford to be gracious. :P

Sigh. It's a lil hard to leave the old man behind. He was a good teacher. But because he's rarely around nowadays, and I really can't stand the slp, I figured there's no point for me to stay.

So leave I will, all the lil dramas, like the one he pulled today.

He called early in the morning while I was on the way to get me to print something. First the office, then the handphone.

Yes I printed it. He called again, half an hour later, to the office, to make sure I was in, and to ask if I got the message.

At 11am, he called again, to inquire if I'd printed and bound what he wanted. Oh I was very pleasant.

Then at 1130am, this girl went to take a dump. He came in, walked into my room, found no one there and this drama ensues:

SLP: Where's ****?
Colleague: In the toilet, or the pantry.
SLP walks to pantry and comes back: She's not in the pantry.
SLP whips out handphone to call me. Phone was in the toilet with me (cos he checks on my stuff). Phone rings while I was taking a dump. I ignore it.
SLP: I'm calling her handphone but I don't hear it. Where is it?
SLP searches for my handphone at my desk.
SLP: She went out, didn't she?
Colleague: No, she went to the toilet, I think.
SLP: Her handphone should be here. Where's her bag?
SLP looks around for my bag to search through it.
Colleague freaks out and says: I think she's in the toilet.
SLP: Where's her bag?
Colleague: I don't know.
SLP walks to the toilet to look for me.
I come out of the door and he comes towards me, the phone ringing in my pocket. Over and over.
SLP: I was looking for you.
SLP stops calling.
Me: *looks him in the eye (he's a short guy, I'm almost level to him* I. WAS. TAKING. A. DUMP.
It must have hit home then how ridiculous all that was cos he said: Oh... it's alright then. Where's the report?
Me: On your table (*if you cared to look rather than worry about where I was*)
I walk off as he pretends to use the loo. He was back in a moment.

In that short period, I had 2 missed calls from him.

Tell me he's not insane.

Every Creature's Prayer :P

i have a thing for fantasy art... they kinda take me into another world. it's liberating, and stress-relieving. :P yes yes. i is weird.

here's something i found on the net while browsing for stress-relief. some of you may like this. i, on the other hand, feel a weird connection, so i saved it :P

and here's a poem/prayer i kinda hijacked randomly from the net and modified:

As I trudge along this weary path,
My spirit constantly battered and bruised,
My feelings low and dismal.

Make me strong in spirit,
Courageous in action,
Stalwart at heart.

Let me act in wisdom,
Conquer my fear and doubt,
Discover my own hidden gifts.

May I turn what now seems negative,
into positive light and energy.

May I be a beacon for others,
As we share this life in all its drudgery.

May my feet be so firmly placed on the path,
that no boulder is too high,
nor crevasse too deep for me to conquer.

Finally, give me joy in my destiny,
confidence in my spiritual heritage,
and joy in the striving and the doing.

~ inspired by a prayer from Abby Willowroot

Cannonball

as i'm considering new career options.... and a friend asks me what is it i look for, i realise, i'm a builder.

i want things i can build with. in my mind, with my hands. i grow as i grow other things too.

destroy and build. build on artifacts. use artifacts for building.

i'm a builder. somedays i really think that sucks.

i was walking around waiting for a friend on Saturday... and a song i haven't heard for at least a year came on. my favourite among damien rice's, btw.

funny. mr rice always had the capability to make me look at myself and cry.

and the phone rings. and it just seems so apt. sometimes irony is so thick u wonder if u're living a play.


there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
still I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage, teach me to be shy
'cos its not hard to fall,

and I don't want to scare her
its not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
its not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know
don't know....

~damien rice's cannonball~

An Entire Generation of Love Children :P

Wednesday, 23 January 2008. 1608 hours.

Can u believe it's 3 weeks into 2008 already?

It's a wonderful Wednesday, and it's wonderful cos it's a holiday :P

AND my cranky computer decided to be nice today and allow me to type. The 8, i, k, and ',' disappears when he feels like it. :( MEN. :P But he been good boyfriend for 6 years already. Good Boy. :)

WHO SAYS I'M TEMPERAMENTAL? My computer is even more so. BLEK.

So I slept till a wonderful 11am today and wanted to go for a massage. Then I remembered my ankle is still swollen. CRAP. I'd be screaming when the 80+ yr old Indo woman starts massaging. If I have a bruise, it'd hurt worst than breaking a hymen. DAMMIT.

So I clean room today. Well, I TRY :P

Heh. :P Well, I'm cleaning out the files in my computer. Some. :P And I discovered some songs I haven't played for years.

Like an entire album of Barry White. Mmmm Mmmmm :P Nice. Now if only it were night and raining :D Make that a thunderstorm. I swear the man is personally responsible for at least an entire generation of love children. HAHAHA....

I wanna go home. Gah...

I need part-time data entry clerks. :( Who's free, gimme a call. The more the merrier. I can go home, then :D

p/s: WOMEN CAN EJACULATE!! Coolios :P

Listening to: "i'm your midnight angel, i'm a freak, ooohhhh yeaaahhhhh.... i'm a freak of nature" ;) Anastacia is kick ass!

updated:

I CLEANED MY ROOM!! WOOHOOOO!! and the bathroom. and did my laundry by hand. wasn't i such an angel yesterday? didn't eat though. odd. didn't eat the whole day.

On a Detox?

my body talks to me.

no, i'm serious.

i just realised today, that i've been on a vegetarian diet for the past 3 days or so.

now if you know me well, you'd know that i am a crazy meat-eater. i get sodium and protein cravings in the middle of the night when others get sugar cravings.

i'd die if i can't have my beef, and my mutton, and my pork. i rarely touch chicken nowadays, by the way. UPM put me off chicken almost entirely. except roast chicken. a well-roasted chicken is a feast :P

i think of what to eat tomorrow before i go to sleep at night. i know. other people wonder what to wear.... i wonder what to eat :P

so it was to my own shock that i suddenly realised over lunch today, that i've been eating vegetables, and no meat for the past 3 days.

it's like my body is telling me to detox on it's own. too much cake. too much dairy. too much protein. need spring-cleaning. head for the vegetables. keep away from the meat.

maybe it knows it's getting too plumpy :P

Wow... Interesting Case of Leukaemia

The twins who unlocked the secrets of leukaemia

British girls are behind dramatic breakthrough in medicine

By Steve Connor, Science Editor

Published: 18 January 2008

A study of two identical twin girls has led to a new understanding of the causes of childhood leukaemia and could revolutionise the treatment – and possibly prevention – of the potentially lethal disease. The detailed investigation of the two British girls has, for the first time, enabled medical researchers to track down the source of the cancerous stem cells in the blood that can lead to leukaemia in the first few years of life.

Olivia and Isabella Murphy, aged four, from Bromley in Kent, have provided science with an astonishing insight into the nature of leukaemia because of the highly unusual situation where both of them are at risk of the disease but only Olivia developed it.

Scientists believe the findings will enable them to develop better treatments with fewer and less serious side effects. It could also help in the search for the ultimate cause of the condition, which is newly diagnosed in 500 children each year in Britain.

Olivia and Isabella share the same genetic mutation to the blood-forming cells of the bone marrow, which must have occurred during their time in the womb because neither of their parents was found to have the same mutation.

However, only Olivia went on to develop leukaemia because she was unfortunate enough to have suffered a second mutation after birth, which triggered the onset of the cancer.

Scientists believe the mutation in the womb – which occurred in one of the foetuses but was passed to the other via circulating blood cells – caused both girls to be born with pre-cancerous stem cells in their blood, which predisposed them to leukaemia.

However, Olivia suffered the critical second mutation after the twins were born. That led to the development of the full-blown blood cancer which had to be treated with chemotherapy drugs that stunted her growth and led to a serious eye infection.

It was that difference between the two girls that enabled the scientists to locate the pre-cancerous stem cells in both children and then to figure out the sequence of genetic mutations.

Isolating the pre-cancerous stem cells from Olivia and Isabella, who will be five next month, could prove pivotal in the further understanding and treatment of childhood leukaemia, said Professor Mel Greaves of the Institute of Cancer Research in Sutton, Surrey.

"We suspect that these cells can escape conventional chemotherapy and cause relapse during or after treatment. These are the cells that dictate disease course and provide the bull's eye to target with new therapies," he said.

Olivia has successfully undergone treatment for leukaemia and is in remission. However, she is blind in one eye caused by an infection after her time on chemotherapy, which affected her immune system.

Her mother, Sarah, 35, said Olivia's treatment had affected her growth and her hair had become curly, but it had at least cleared many of the pre-cancerous blood cells identified by the research team.

She said she was worried about Isabella."Olivia is almost clear but ... Isabella still has a long way to go. They said the cells might die off naturally but obviously it is something which is hanging over us," Mrs Murphy said.

"It is quite hard but we have always tried to remain positive, although that is easy to say. It would be very hard to have to get through it twice but we are trying not to think about it too much."

Professor Greaves, whose study with Professor Tariq Enver of the Medical Research Council's Weatherall Institute for Molecular Medicine at Oxford University is published in the journal Science, said the genetic mutation found in the pre-cancerous stem cells of the twins was caused by the merging of two genes known as TEL and AML-1.

When the scientists inserted the hybrid TEL-AML-1 gene into human umbilical cord cells and inserted those mutated cells into mice, the mutated cells became self-renewing with the animals' bone marrow, just like they are in children such as Olivia and Isabella.

"This research means we can now test whether the treatment of acute lymphoblastic leukaemia in children can be correlated with either the disappearance or persistence of the leukaemia stem cells," said Professor Enver of Oxford University. "Our next goal is to target both the pre-leukaemic stem cell and the cancer stem cell itself with new or existing drugs to cure leukaemia while avoiding the debilitating and often harmful side effects of current treatments."

Bruce Morland, a childhood cancer specialist at Birmingham Children's Hospital, said the study brought scientists one step closer to the "holy grail" of identifying leukaemic stem cells.

"By determining the characteristics of the leukaemic stem cells it is ultimately the hope of clinicians that therapies can be specifically targeted to the leukaemia, thus sparing the patient from some of the significant side effects of conventional chemotherapy treatment," he said.

Most common childhood cancer

500 new cases of childhood leukaemia in UK per year

1 in 3 of all cancer cases among children is leukaemia

50 percentage of all cases affecting under-five age group

80% survival rate of commonest form (acute lymphoblastic leukaemia)

55% cure rate for acute myeloid leukaemia (which accounts for 1 in 4 cases)

1 in 10 survival rate in the 1960s

0 survival rate pre-1960s

1.4% rise in in childhood lymphoid leukaemia cases in Europe from 1970 to 1999

45.6 per million number of cases among black children in the US during the 1980s and 1990s

27.8 per million number of cases among white children in the same period

50 per million number of cases among Hispanics living in California

~The Independent, UK~

the hokkien-speaking boys in school would've called this: bin kana pao....

in form 6, the hokkien-speaking boys had a term: bin kana pao (face like pao). it kinda means being in an embarrassing situation... why pao? i don't know. doesn't matter... i found myself in a 'pao moment....'

for the 3rd time in less than 3 years, i fell down in the lrt station... during peak hours.... with a lot of ppl milling about.....

this time.... was a classic, even by my terms... if i may say so myself.

lil ms clumsy... fell down... in a skirt.... u know, those billowy kinds, slightly above the knees. and FLATS. AGAIN... why she always falls in flats, but never heels, she would never know.

she fell... down the ESCALATOR. about 8-10 steps. kedunk duunk duunnnkkk KEH-DUUUUNNNNKKKKK!!!!!

OOOWWWWWWWWWW.......

thank god she had a huge ass to cushion the fall.... too bad the ass wasn't made of steel.

the anatomical casualties: the ankle (now she walks with a slight limp), the calve, the thigh, the butt (cos she landed on it) and the palms (to break her fall).

yes, there were a lot of ppl, no, she did not know if anyone laughed.... cos she limped away as fast as she could as soon as she was able....

she hopes she's hit her quota of the year for embarrassing falls....