Friday, November 02, 2007

personality disorder quiz

i swear i've done this before, but what the hell....

hmmm.... antisocial. and ppl say i'm bubbly. riiiight. maybe i'm just so used to masquerades. SMILE, dammit.... though i'd rather chop ur cock off...... u get the picture.

also probably explains why the idea of taking off alone to far-off places appeal to me so damn much. i actually like the feeling of solitude and being utterly alone in a city of 1 billion. sometimes. don't ask me why. i can't explain it. stillness and loneliness are my best friends. i've gotten so used to them. and i still think like a single girl. sighs. someone's not gonna be too happy about that. but i can't help how i feel at times.

but here's the quiz result. story would come later.


Thursday, November 01, 2007

Pantheress?

LoL. I just might take this down after this week. :P

Your Score: The pink pantheress


You are 95% sweet, 75% playful, 70% fearless and 40% dominant.





Sweet. Catlike. Somewhat kinky. You are a reference in term of sexuality. You love to play, and to make your partner play with you. Be careful not to be played too much. You have high skills, but also a great imagination. Maybe you consider sex as an art in itself. All we can do is to envy the people who have the chance to spend one night in your bed. However, finding your perfect match is not that easy, since you require a dominant, but yet sweet and gifted partner.

Consider: The bonobo
Avoid: The big cock


Explaination of the variables. You are:

Sweet: If you like to do sweet things, and care for your partner.
Playful: If you are imaginative and like to play together with your partner.
Fearless: If you like to try new things and you are not afraid of what people think about you.
Dominant: If you take the lead most of the time.

Have a look at the other animals:

The donkey
The big cock
The pig
The bull
The nasty kitten
The mantis
The tigress
The lion
The fluffy bunny
The panda bear
The she-wolf
The ram
The puppy
The dalmatian
The bonobo



My test tracked the following 4 variables.
You scored higher than 90% on sweet:


You scored higher than 81% on playful:


You scored higher than 74% on fearless:


You scored higher than 37% on dominant:

>:(

i don't go on warbook much. well, cos i'm not a gaming person to start with. i have my reasons which i'd elaborate later. and also because i've been fucking-busy-no-time-to-breathe-shit-tired-when-i-get-home kinda busy these two months.

so yeah, i'm easy target on warbook. i didn't log on for weeks until i had so much gold, my friend actually sent me a message on msn asking for some. lol.

my acreage was puny too, so i was REALLY pissed when i finally logged in to send gold to some friends, and found my sorry-ass kingdom attacked left, right and center.

ok, this called for remedial action. told my friend i had to beef up my defenses, which i did, upped my defense score several thousand fold, and built me some barracks and forts. sonovabitches just u assholes wait :P

damn... THIS is why i don't game lah. sighs.

couldnt give a shit about my attacking ability cos i had no intention to log into warbook that often.

that was a week back. last night i went yumchar with friends, and 90% of the time, they talked about was warbook :P so i thought, today i'd log in and send gold to some friends.
today i came in, and i had levelled up without kicking anyone's ass. cos i was attacked. thank god for good defenses.

what i thought was fucking pond-scum low though, was someone whose acreage was waaaayyyyyyyy more than mine picking on me 3 times in a morning by 1100 hours. twice is fine. three times is asking for it. woiii.... LOW lah. pick someone your own size, u goddamned fucker.

>:( gonna max out my spells and do a boundary shift on the bastard tomorrow. then next day i'm gonna fireball him, next day, boundary shift him again, earthquake him, and boundary shift him one more time. 5 days in a row. see how fast he can build up again. don't mess with a bitch. LOW LOW LOW. i can play diiiiirrrrrrty too.

why don't i game? cos when i watched the fireball rip through the other dude's lands, with the knowledge that none of my men had to die, there was this funny, familiar, forgotten feeling coming over me.... it's called an adrenaline rush. yes, i like it. yes, it's addictive. it's SCARY. i get hooked on it. it's exhilarating. especially when it's bloody justified.

yeah it's just a game. THAT'S WHY I DON'T PLAY IT! what am i afraid of? ME. :P Like ciggies, pot, alcohol, sex and chocolate. Addictive. Let's not go there.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

work, cats, people....

it's Tuesday, and my work is still stuck. damn, this sucks.

and i couldn't make that trip North for nothing.

moving to a houseful of cats. there are 3 new month-old kittens i have to help look after :) with pleasure. they're adorable! damn cute :D one is going for a mind-boggling 4000 Euros. hotdamn...

the cantor asked me to move into MPM's room, maybe next year. i'm kinda torn, cos i've kinda committed to this one. guess we'll just have to see. when he told me, though, the thought of moving into a room-ful of memories now, strangely affects me only about as much as moving into a room previously lived in by cats :P

that's when it struck me: it's so over :) i was so relieved. and i would be lying if i didn't say the realisation filled me with joy :)

all's well that end's well, i suppose.

the psycho bought herself some new stuff. my reaction: O.O aiiii-jjjoooooooorrrrrrrrr!!!!!! and she's waxing horny lyrical over phones..... i need to find her a man. quick! she's having orgasms over communication devices' user interfaces.... *rolls eyes*

i swear we'd be an old married couple if we both didn't like men so much. or at least, the aesthetic beauty of the male body/apparatus.

i cook, she cleans. she sweeps, i'd mop. we'd be sitting in her car, and she'd take the parking ticket, n i'd immediately reach for it, n put it in a particular compartment in her purse. n wind up the window. no exchange of words. then when she parks, i'd remember to make sure she DID lock the car. cos she's OCD like that :P

it'd always end up:
*parks, gets out*
*walks a few steps, she turns around* I locked the car, right?
*me, doesn't stop walking* You locked the car.
Ok, thanks.

:P

this was what a friend said to another friend: they're so different from each other ya? to which the friend replied: ya, they're so different. don't know how they became good friends. :P

seriously, u know u've known someone WAAAAAYYYYY too long when they can text u one saturday at mid-day, thus: (and i quote verbatim) Hey bum, u done wankg? Wana go lunch or sumwhr?

*ROLLS EYES*

known someone for way too long and way too well indeed. :P I swear sometimes familiarity breeds contempt!!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Pacemaker

Thursday, 25.10.2007. 2151 hours.

My aunt is going on the pacemaker tomorrow. She fainted and her heart just stopped beating.

When mami called and I spoke to her, she sounded so different. So weak. So frail. So unlike the woman I so vividly remembered from my youth.

She was so vivacious, so energetic. Always so full of vitality, spirit. She always looked and acted way younger than her 62 years. Even last month, when I spoke to her, she still had that spark. That laughter in her voice.

How different that now she sounded like she was at death's door already, and I felt so lost for words. How to comfort her? How to make her smile? Her husband passed away when I was 18 from kidney failure. Her youngest boy is only a year older than I. She worries about him still. What can I say to make her feel better?

Here is a woman of strength, who still managed to build a substantially successful business and send her 3 children to Australia on a Form 3 education, who became Lion's Club President in a male-dominated small town.

Who stood up for her daughter when she felt her daughter was being put down, and she needed her. Who put up with me when I visited my grandmother alone.

I feel bereft already. Mami always did say I was more like her sister than I was like her. Rooster women, she said. Rooster women were strong. Rooster women were ambitious. Rooster women had fire. Rooster women don't give up.

I sure hope so. I pray to God that's true. She's too young. Not like this anyway. Not like this.

Asphyxiated Exhibit

Thursday, 25.10.2007. 1838 hours.

Today I felt as though I were a museum exhibit on display.

To be stared at, prodded, gawked at, quizzed about.

I know it's just the paranoia in me, but I couldn't help feeling like that.

I'm unused to unsolicited attention.

First by my friends, then by his friends.

Add the frustration of going nowhere with my stalled work, and the SLP being downright abrasive, and I felt ready to implode.

My privacy and my stagefright are probably two of several of my well-kept secrets.

Since both are going to ashes, I might as well come clean with them.

Like I told J around this time last year, though among my schoolmates (J's one of them), I was a known retired public-speaker, what they didn't know was how I'd break out in cold cold sweat, and my hands would shake each time I go out on stage. My father's training, and later my own public-speaking taught me to hide that initial nervousness. And obviously I learnt to do it well enough for people to not notice.

It's the same with my privacy. Behind the aggressive behaviour, the crazy laughter and the psychotic smile, I'm actually a very shy and intensely private person. I've trained myself to blush less. To ignore certain things. Yes, I'm used to a certain amount of attention. Doesn't mean I like all of it. Which is why I try to protect my privacy as much as possible. At least the innermost sanctuary where my many multiple personalities dwell. What's private to me, may not be private to someone else. To each their own.

I keep plenty of things close to my chest, I dislike laying down all my cards at once on the table to a person. Until I trust the person enough, am comfortable enough with sharing.

I dislike my private space disturbed. Few people know where I stay, even less are allowed into my room. Some call it anal, some call it freaky, but I like it that way. I make no apologies for my quirks.

My thoughts are even more so. I'm annoyed especially, with the SLP because he's an Extremely Invasive Man. Some things people just don't wanna tell you. Don't push it already. It's intrusive. A Transvaginal Ultrasound Scan plus Cervical Pap Smear is preferable to some of his choicest questions. For instance: "How can your father know everything. You mean he even knows who and how many men you had sex with?" This was less than a month from meeting him. And in front of colleagues to boot. I was so angry I could combust. No, I didn't. But the day I leave, I'm gonna tell him he's one obnoxious, snotty, irritating, egocentric little little asshole of a man. For now, it's 'Ignore Everything, Say Nothing.' Well, I can try. :(

To be asked so many private questions by so many people all at once, to then have my decision questioned at every turn, to later have a private conversation observed by others made me feel downright naked when I'm not ready to be. The unsolicited attention was enough to make me feel as though my private sanctum was intruded. Invaded. Without my permission. And then ransacked. I couldn't help getting my defenses up. It was a reflex defensive mechanism after all. And being used to standing up for myself and looking after my own interests on my own for the most part of my life, yes, I was downright defensive. And aggressively so.

I know I'm insane. Among other things. 'Prickly porcupine'. 'Cactus'. 'Seahorse'. 'More male than female'. 'Shrew'. An oxymoron. A walking contradiction. Anal, paranoid bitch. Psychotic, neurotic weirdo. :( I'm sorry. I make no excuses for all that.

No one owns the market on insecurities.

I'm trying. Learning to finally let go of my hang-ups, insecurities and plenty of little eccentricities, and then finally, and slowly, learning how to share my life so closely with another individual frightens me. It's difficult. At least for me.

I'm so used to being alone. I LIKE being alone. Independence is something I greatly appreciate. Having to answer to as little people as possible. That type of freedom to do what I want, when I want it. Behave however the fuck I want to. However the fuck I like. And the devil can fly with public opinion. Up yours, you know. Within the borderline norm of civic behaviour, of course.

Now I have to learn how to be a GIRL. Dammit. This isn't easy. Not for me, it's not. I was brought up to be with more boys than girls. To be more like a boy. To think like one, too. It was a counter-offensive measure.

Because girls, sadly, in the larger community, is treated more like a liability than an asset. Because in the larger scheme of things here, women are secondary to men. Dispensable. That's the ugly truth.

I would have liked that people could think that although men and women are equal, we are NOT the same. Men and women are made to complement one another. But it doesn't mean that women are all that different from men. Sigh.

I'm the female who told a guy in university who whined about women being difficult to understand and difficult to live with that: A hole is a hole to you, right? So if women are that difficult, go settle down with a pinata la!!

Fine. I'm aggressive when I get my defenses up. :( No one likes the truth being thrust in their faces, I suppose. Yes, damn macho. :(

Being a girl. I wonder if I could do that. This is worse than being given 1 week to study for a Physics exam. At least there, only I would get hurt if I fail. :(

I know this news is THE bomb, Myocardial Infarction-worthy. It being a first, it's a novelty, too. But I'm trying to get used to this whole idea myself. Still currently trying to slowly feel my way. Groping half-blind in the half-dark, in a way.

Cut me some slack, people. I'm not a lab specimen. I'm not a goldfish living in a fishbowl. Give me some room to breathe. Please. I feel asphyxiated.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Fertility

the reasons i'm pasting these articles up is because The Independent archives their articles after awhile. and i want this for my own reference :P

but anyway, i remember some people asking about IVF and infertility treatments, so well, so i thought this would be easy reference.

it's so hard to get pregnant sometimes. i remember a former colleague of mine go through hell just to get a baby :( it's sad.

i have mixed feelings about all these new technologies, IVF, ICSI, and now this. i remember doing an attachment at a fertility clinic and seeing a woman who was 36 weeks pregnant coming in for a follow-up scan. 2 more weeks, and the baby would be ready for delivery. but the baby came up with bilateral pleural effusion and its complications (compression on the heart, etc.) the gynae performed a shunt immediately, but the baby died a few days later anyway. yeah, the baby was a result of infertility treatment.

being out of the medical line now, i guess i forget how fragile humanity can sometimes be. and yet, in the medical line, facing death and decay everyday, sometimes you get desensitized to it. just another body. just another death. how does one strike a balance sometimes?

***

A cheap, painless alternative to IVF?

Breakthrough in fertility treatment as first British babies are born using new technique

By Jeremy Laurance, Health Editor

Published: 25 October 2007

A landmark in the development of fertility treatment was announced by doctors yesterday with the birth of the first babies to be conceived using a revolutionary technique that offers a safer, cheaper alternative to IVF.

The twin boy and girl, who were born on 18 October at the Radcliffe Infirmary in Oxford, were conceived using In Vitro Maturation (IVM), a method that dispenses with the use of costly fertility drugs, saving up to £1,500 on the normal price of treatment.

The technique is also safer for the one in three women among those seeking fertility treatment who have polycystic ovaries, a condition that puts them at high risk of dangerous side effects from fertility drugs.

Specialists said the development could make in vitro techniques available to more infertile couples by cutting the cost of treatment. Infertility is estimated to affect one in six couples in the UK but IVF costs around £5,000 a cycle and treatment is restricted on the NHS.

Tim Child, a consultant gynaecologist at the Oxford Fertility Clinic and senior fellow in reproductive medicine at Oxford University, who led the work, said: "I think it is a safer, cheaper alternative to IVF for all women. However, for many women the success rates are currently much lower. Research in the future will address this."

The Oxford Fertility Clinic is the only one in the UK licensed to use the technique: 20 cycles of treatment have been carried out and four other women are currently pregnant, giving a pregnancy rate of 25 per cent. This is expected to improve with further experience. In addition, without the need for drugs, repeating the procedure would be less taxing on the woman. For standard IVF, the Oxford clinic's pregnancy rate is 45 per cent.

The parents of the babies, who have asked to remain anonymous, were delighted, Mr Child said. At birth the boy, born first, weighed 6lb 11oz and the girl weighed 5lb 14oz. "The parents are ecstatic. They have got absolutely stunning twins. They went home on Tuesday to start their new life together. It is wonderful."

In standard IVF, the woman takes fertility drugs for five weeks to stimulate production of her eggs, which are then collected direct from her ovaries under the guidance of ultrasound, before being fertilised in the laboratory. The drugs cost between £600 and £1,500, with charges often higher in London.

The procedure is time consuming and uncomfortable and for the third of women with polycystic ovaries there is a one in 10 risk of severe ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, a dangerous side-effect that in rare cases can prove fatal.

IVM avoids the use of drugs and instead involves collecting eggs from the ovaries while they are still immature. The eggs are then grown in the laboratory for 24 to 48 hours before being fertilised and replaced in the womb.

Mr Child said: "The main advantage is improved safety for women. Women with polycystic ovaries have a one in 10 chance of severe ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. IVM completely takes away that risk. IVF is also expensive. With IVM the cost is reduced, meaning it could become a more accessible form of fertility treatment."

The technique was pioneered by the University of McGill in Montreal, Canada, where Mr Child spent two years researching and developing it before joining the University of Oxford in 2004. It has also been used in Seoul, South Korea, and Scandinavia. To date about 400 babies have been born worldwide using IVM compared with around two million by IVF.

At present the Oxford Fertility Clinic is only offering the treatment to women with polycystic ovaries, but in the long term Mr Child said he hoped to offer the procedure to all women. "When we see patients we say these are the options and it is up to them to decide. We are not offering it to women with normal ovaries at present because we don't get enough eggs from them. It depends on the number of resting follicles and with normal ovaries you don't get so many.

"On average we get four eggs from a woman with normal ovaries compared with 16 from one with polycystic ovaries. The procedure involves a process of attrition – two-thirds mature and two-thirds of those fertilise – so you need a decent number to start with."

Research on developing the culture medium in which the eggs are matured in the laboratory could reduce the attrition rate so that fewer eggs are needed. The technique could then become suitable for women with normal ovaries, Mr Child said.

A second drawback of the procedure was that eggs grown in culture had a harder outer shell than those matured in the ovary and were more difficult for sperm to penetrate. The eggs had to be fertilised by ICSI – injecting a single sperm directly into the egg. "We hope to develop the culture medium so the egg doesn't mind being grown in the laboratory and we can use ordinary insemination [mixing eggs and sperm so fertilisation occurs naturally]. But in most IVF clinics, 50 per cent of patients are treated with ICSI anyway," he said.

A spokesman for the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority said IVF was expensive for most couples and a minority got treatment on the NHS. But it was too soon to tell whether IVM would replace IVF.

"Anything that reduces the cost of IVF, provided it is safe, means treatment could be available to more people. But this is an emerging technology – it is very early days. The most important thing is that patients get proper information so that they can make a decision on what is best for themselves."

~The Independent, 25 October 2007 14:11~

A revolution in the making - now it's up to the scientists

By Jeremy Laurance, Health Editor

Published: 25 October 2007

Over the past 25 years around two million babies have been born by IVF around the world. Yet the technique has always suffered from a major drawback – it meant dosing the woman with powerful drugs to stimulate her ovaries to produce extra eggs.

No one wants to be pounding their body with powerful drugs. It is uncomfortable, time consuming and costly, as well as dangerous for women with polycystic ovaries – one in three of those in fertility treatment.

If there is a safe way of avoiding the drugs but which achieves the same results, it would be welcomed by thousands of women. It is too soon to declare In-Vitro Maturation (IVM) the answer to their prayers. But it is a significant step in the right direction.

Avoiding the use of powerful drugs would bring a second important benefit – reducing the cost of treatment by at least 20 per cent off the average price of £5,000 per cycle. Cost is a major barrier for thousands of infertile couples denied treatment on the NHS – they cannot afford to go private and lose the chance to have a family.

The major shortcoming with IVM is its low success rate. A 25 per cent pregnancy rate will not be enough to attract most couples, although on a total of just 20 cycles it is a near-meaningless figure. Compared with IVF success rates of 45 per cent and more, it is a powerful disincentive, even if the risks are lower. But these are early days. When IVF first became widely available in the 1980s, live birth rates were around 14 per cent. They have grown from there and the expectation is that IVM success rates will grow similarly.

Specialists were cautious yesterday about IVM's prospects, saying much more evidence of its safety was needed. As part of its horizon-scanning work, the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority has been scrutinising the research in Montreal and Seoul, the two centres that have pioneered the technique, since early 2006.

Its advisory group concluded there was no evidence to suggest it was dangerous and no evidence that it increased the risk of birth abnormalities – a concern because of the use of immature eggs. But it warned that the oldest children conceived by the technique were little more than toddlers and long-term experience was lacking.

The HFEA granted a licence to perform IVM to the Oxford Fertility Clinic in January this year, the first and only licence it has so far issued, on the grounds that Tim Child, the consultant, had spent two years researching the technique in Montreal. He had demonstrated he was skilled in maturing the eggs in the laboratory.

The test now is whether he can refine the technique to improve the success rate – and whether other clinics can follow his lead. Researchers in Leeds are understood to be interested in the method. If he and they succeed, they could usher in a revolution in fertility treatment.

~The Independent, 25 October 2007 17:12~

frustration

i wanna yank out all my hair.

tell me HOW am i supposed to get my work out to the field by sunday when it's already thursday and no feedback from the top has been given?

now lookie here. it's not that i don't put my job first. i will put in the hours, if i see the need for it. but NOT at the expense of my life. i got a bloody life outside of work.

things to do, people to kill, they say.

fine. maybe my life isn't as exciting.

things to play with, people to fuck, can?

what the hell la.

they can't just EXPECT me to come in to work on Saturdays at the last minute. that's not fair.

Oh, **** this mean's u'll have to come in work tomorrow. Be prepared for the whole day.

yes, happened before. i was so tempted to kick his snotty ass. say nicer a bit, can or not? pukimak. (nope, no censoring this time)

:(

grrrrrr....... sometimes i really hate waiting.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

update




SLP finally came in to work.

So yeah, went to ask about leave.

Answer was still unconfirmed.... can you see the blood coming to boil? Lucky I had a good night's sleep, thanks to exhaustion, not sleeping well the night before, and then thanks to, to somebody :)

Anyway, I digress. Lucky I had a good night's sleep, else I'd have found it difficult to keep my well-known temper in check. Sighs. They don't call me stark raving madwoman for nothing.

I decided to do something different today:

Me: Well, I guess it's a No, then, but it's ok. My friend forfeited anyway.
Him: *sits up and stares* Forfeit? What you mean, forfeit?
Me: Plane ticket. I told you, she's flying over.
Him: Why forfeit? So you mean, you were supposed to fly there, then up to Penang?
Me: ...... {Some people's stupidity stuns me sometimes... I mean, SERIOUSLY? Stupid no?} No... I just go to Penang lah! Meet her there lah! What for make {stupid} roundabout trip? {I swear to God, I ain't a genius... but....}
Him: Ohh... well, you see, we need to get it out by this Friday, and he's supposed to come in yesterday, but he didn't, and today he's coming in too...
Me: Yes, I know. No, he isn't coming in today, I called him yesterday...
Him: Yes, that's right, so anyway... Well... we'll reimburse her lah...
Me: That isn't necessary... see, I asked you for an early answer so this wouldn't happen. You could've you know, just let me know.
Him: Yes, see...
Me: It's fine... I'll deal with it myself.
Him: We could reimburse her.. if it's Airasia.. so you know...
Me: No, I'd like leave in November, though.
Him: Sure... When? We could reimburse her...
Me: It's fine.

Is it just me... or does he NOT get the point? It's not a matter of money. Each time I hear him say: We could reimburse, I feel like swinging one of those spiked clubs to his flat head. Seriously!!! NOT EVERYTHING is about MONEY. Sheeeessssshhhh..... I WAS SO BLOODY ANNOYED.

It's the hanging in LIMBO that is abominable. How'd he like a chick to string him along...
Him: Marry me...
Chick: Well.... I'll think about it....
Him: When can you let me know?
Chick: I don't know.
Him: I need an answer...
Chick: Why?
Him: To let my parents know.
Chick: Well... Friday...

Him: Well? It's Friday...
Chick: I still don't know..... Let you know tomorrow...
etc. and so it goes...

And that doesn't even require a deadline....

Like wtf....

Then again, I got leave in November. Yeah, I preyed on his guilty conscience and got an immediate answer... then again, I've not taken paid leave since I started work. And I bloody need a fucking holiday.

So: YAY!! :D:D:D:D:D

Screw the guilty conscience anyway. He'd get over it soon enough. Like someone said when I told him about this: He sucks dick cheese..... >:(

Anyway, I'm quite stunned by a confession someone told me over text last night. Seriously, I didn't really need to know. Then again, I think the only reason he said it is coz he likes what he can't have. And it's probably safe to. Well, whatever. :) The lines are drawn. The boundaries clear. And I'm not utterly without morals....

Though like Ric says, Satan is digging the 21st level specifically for me...
It's all good... I'd be partying with popes, emperors, Michael Hutchence, Kurt Cobain, etc. in there. Gonna be one swingin' party..... :P Feel free to come join us...

The reason for this dubious honour? Cos he was arguing the politics and finer technicalities of suicide with me, me being a Catholic and all. *rolls eyes.... lawyers...*

So I completely floored him for 2 whole minutes when I said: Yeah, ok... that's suicide. That's suicide too. Technically, they're all suicide, to be fair. So technically speakind, Jesus committed suicide too, you know.

It's rare to see the dude speechless :D

Then he says: You're a practising Catholic. You believe in God and Salvation and all that.
Me: YEP!!
Him: Did you just SAY that?
Me: YEPPP!!!!
Him: :O
Me: :D

Hence the 21st level of Hell remark...

Oh well... he just called that someone 'soyabean cincau'..... Hmm...

I'm having a mental block... This is BAD...

Work Again....

Trying to form some Questions to ask on Party vs. Governance....

and I'm coming up blank.

Stuffy nose, and itching throat. Having difficulty swallowing... and swollen lymph nodes.

Never a good sign for me. I know my body well. That means a fever is coming on.

So I went to the doc's this morning. Maybe I SHOULD take MC. Am shivering at work. Dammit.... I haven't got much time either.

One project after another.

I'm afraid I haven't time to pack my stuff. Moving out end of this month to a house-ful of cats :P How does 11 sound to you?

J's already booked me for mid-Nov to look after his cats while he's away for cat competition *rolls eyes* :P and I haven't moved in yet!!! Apa-ler bebudak zaman sekarang :D

Looking forward to Chicago and hitting the town in November.
Wonder if Nurse is coming this weekend, though. She don't sound too keen anymore. Sighs... I couldn't take leave. What to do? She ain't the only one disappointed :(
Girl's back for good :) But she'd be based in Ipoh :( Not so good.
Psycho's birthday coming up too... and the lil turban boy is due. HEHEHE.... Can't believe one of the clown's is gonna be a Dad O.O

Monday, October 22, 2007

on a cold rainy morning

i'm thinking:

wet hummus on a cold heavily-raining morning smells delightful.

sometimes familiarity breeds contempt, as much as absence makes the heart grow fonder.

sometimes i just wanna be alone. just for awhile. just to discover who i am.

sometimes i hate being a woman. sometimes i wish i were a man.

sometimes i whine so much, i'm disgusted with me.

i need a holiday. badly.

soft light cotton against the skin feels so darn comfy.

i wanna stay in bed. and do things on 400-threadcount sheets. because it's cold. and it's so wet outside. and i'd rather, much rather stay home in bed where it's warm, and where dreams are made.

i think i need to get back to a place where i can see trees that grow naturally, not get planted to give the place an ornamental look. what's happened to a beauty that's wild and wildly natural? i crave for that.

i'm tired. of many many things. of this fragile glittery superficial place most of all. it makes me shallow. it changes me. what if i don't recognise myself anymore if i stay here too long?

i think too goddamn much. and i speak my mind too goddamn much. i should just shut the fuck up sometimes.

i think i'm pms-ing. :(

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

LoL. Things I miss :P

{"I will tolerate no phones ringing. If you have your cell phone, please, give yourselves a cheap thrill and set it to vibrate."
-- beginning her first lecture.

"Some of you may have heard from less-than-pleased ex-students of mine that Professor Stanley is obsessed with sex. *pause for effect* This is true."
-- introduction to her first lecture (Tumour Biology of all things. But she did describe the reproduction of her lab mice in excruciating projectile-vomit-causing detail.)

"Hypertrophy is a response to excessive or prolonged demand, such as in the pregnant uterus - they don't call it labour for nothing."

"Semen is a most dangerous substance. Always avoid it at all costs. Research has shown that it gives you the biggest tumour of all - pregnancy."
-- explaining how squamous metaplasia is caused in the uterus.

"Some of these names are very old - we've used them since pussy was a cat."
-- introducing the terms 'melanoma' and 'seminoma'."

"Normal tissue is ordered and structured, like the dancers in Strictly Come Dancing. Cancerous tissue, then, is like the Strictly Come Dancing afterparty."
-- quite self-explanatory really.

"Bitter experience has taught me that 80% of this lecture theatre will not know what 'faecal' means, and that I must use language appropriate to your generation - this, ladies and gentlemen, is shit."

And they say med school lecturers are boring.}

-excerpt from Angry Medic. :P HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! that's from Cambridge, btw.

sometimes i miss what i studied. O&G docs are chockful of dirty jokes, especially.

i said this once, i shall say it again: Nothing is sacred in the medical profession!

“I’M TAGGED, THEREFORE…” the colourblind one tagged me :(

Damn, Frostie! I buy fuchsia t-shirt n tell u it's aquamarine, then u know! :P:P:P

Rules:
Repeat subject header “I’M TAGGED, THEREFORE…”
Copy + paste these rules in your entry
Complete these 15 totally useless statements & questions
Mention who you were tagged by, followed by 8 people who you’ll be tagging

WARNING!
Failing to do so and you’ll be cursed eternally with a 3-holed nose and a low-cost flat

I kena tagged by the colourblind one~Frostie

1. If I was an opposite gender, what would my party clothes be like? birthday suit. men don't like wearing clothes, rite? :P
2. At 10am this morning, I was… … :D rushing for work after doing a cowgirl.
3. At 10pm tonight, I will be… … probably be hanging out with the psycho getting grilled, receiving lewd comments/remarks. and hearing her bitch. and whine. abt the clown she wants to shoot. either at brickfields, bangsar, or section 17. maybe the curve. who knows?
4. Who should be the next Malaysian Prime Minister? Me :P
5. If my spouse told me to do without sex for a year, I would… … hmm... i shall take a leaf out of Clinton's book and ask: Define sex?
6. If I was a piece of a car, I would be the… …the steering wheel. i like being caressed.
7. If I was told one day that I would have to give up either 1) anything chocolate OR 2) ever seeing the beach again, for the rest of my life, which one will I give up? chocs, i guess. don't eat much of it anyway. unless i'm craving. which is occasionally when i'm ovulating :P ovaries screaming for something, obviously.
8. Singapore is good for… ... Cabinet Sauvignon. aka NEWater. :P ask bren. hahaha!
9. If I could only say 3 words before I die, what would those last words be? now than later.
10. Who would I like to be left on a deserted island with? Jamie Oliver. he's entertaining n he can cook up a storm :P
11. Die by drowning or by fire? fire. :P i go out in a 'blaze of glory'. literally! always wondered what it'd feel like to combust.
12. What one single thing would you buy with your last RM9.95? however much i can get to eat with that amount. yep. food tops my list. i need sustenance every 4 hours :P FEED ME!!!
13. If I opened a night club, what would I call it? Ass-Ump-Tion.
14. Don’t cheat: what’s “bulbous”? my ass
15. I think my ass is… …Great, thanx :P custom-made for child-bearing. all that selective process from ancient China, y'know ;)

I’m tagging:

Psychosis Personified. Cos it's high time u started blogging after all that olfactosynthesis crap, bitch. :P
Yerdeh. Take ur mind off chronic kidney diseases :P
Sarah. aka. Chick.: oh u wanna.... :D med school or no.
Bernard. :P where's that story? this is writing too!!! :)
PinkRiverDolphin: Chocolatecupcake! when u gonna come visit me with Rusty? Blog, dammit!
Aichiban: :P coz now u no more in india, u very free... kekeke...
Manda: :P do something other than walk around in Times Square. or wherever u go now.
Angry Medic: HAHAHA! :) How's things over there?

Saturday, October 06, 2007

1754 hours on a Saturday Evening

Gah..... Here are a few things.... Don't blame me if this shocks you. I'm currently very pissy. Due to hunger. And stress.....

1) I'm stuck at work at 1754 hours on a Saturday evening. Say it with me now: Hurrah! Hurrah!

2) Frozen Kinder Bueno is good for the soul. Very good. I'm souled out.

3) I need a wank when I am stressed out. Yes, fuckers, women wank, too. And since I'm not getting laid, I bloody wank. Ok? And don't give me that look already... What's with the gasping? Check out the banner at the top. I DID WARN YOU by saying: "Sexually explicit. Seriously violent. Liberal use of expletives, so be warned. Definitely not for children." Right? There you go. Here's a confession: I DID stop wanking for several LLLOOOONNNNGGGG months due to depression. It didn't help. Brought me lower down. So damn you all, I shall wank as often as I like. All engines need lubrication. I have absolutely no intention to let my va-jay-jay dry up like a wrinkled, sad, old, prune. And NO. Random sex with random strangers might lead to very scary random diseases. I was trained as a Microbiologist. I should know. That's not an option.

4) Random strangers talk to me. Don't ask me why. I don't know. For everyday of this week, some random stranger/strangers have stopped me at least once to ask for something. And to have the same weirdo ask you for money on two separate days and occasions in the same week borders on frightening. EEEEKKKKKKKSSSSSS!!!!!!

5) I AM HUNGRY!!! FEED MEEEE!!!! :( Sugar level dipping. Migraine setting on. NO GOOD. NO GOOD AT ALL. Getting very cranky. Snapped at annoying SLP. Uh-oh!

Friday, October 05, 2007

UGHHHH.....

This is posted on Multiply under something else for obvious reasons :P
**
SLP can be SUCH an ASS at times, it's fucking annoying.

OK, maybe I'm cute when I'm annoyed. But there's a time and place for everything. I'm not sitting on my daddy's nest egg. So stop being an asshole already. It's not that I'm a mercenary bitch. It's just that some people are born more privileged than others. The others have to work to get there.

When asked at 21 if I'd go out with a rich man's son, I replied that I definitely would NOT. And he was surprised. Why not? he says. Because they have an attitude problem that makes me want to:

a) Vomit Blood. b) Kick Their Ass. Hard. And if possibly, leave an imprint they won't forget. c) Rip Their Nads Out, cos it doesn't deserve to be hanging there.

In that order.

:D Yeah. I know. He wore that expression too. :P I know la. Not all. But most, unfortunately. To those that do, I only have one thing to say: I think it's from Plutarch: It is certainly desirable to be well-descended, but the glory belongs to our ancestors, and not to us. So fuck off unless u can match the glories of ur father, or fore-fathers. Just cos ur daddy's bright, doesn't mean lil spoilt brat is bright, too. Accidents happen. Often. Murphy's Law happens too. :P

U embody the very reason why I'd rather go for personality than good-looks or sleeping in/on/with money. Precisely that.

And when I ignore u because u're being a macho asshole, don't start throwing tantrums like a 5 year old. Like WTF? Watch me zone out.

I grew up with boys. Take that macho shit n stuff it where the sun doesnt shine, cos it impresses me not. And I can take u on. Outside the workplace, that is.

So u've got me by my proverbial balls just cos u pay my wages. Well, I'm young. And life is a cycle. But there's a friggin reason why u're sad and lonely. Maybe if u got off ur high horse, women might like u more.

Men can be so dense sometimes. No offense to nice guys out there, but seriously. Most men are like government bonds, they take forever to mature. And when they finally do, sometimes it's just too bloody late.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Learning

Wednesday, 03.10.2007. 0931 hours.

So here I am. This is where I stand. This is who I am. I've been stripped bare to the bones, and built back up again. I reckon I can safely say I've come a long way.

I've just accidentally realised it's been exactly 2 months since he's left, and many months since I've struggled to reach a conclusion.

There was the precipice, the plunge, the gorge, the walk among the dead and undead, the freeing of shackles, the climb back up to the living.

Now it's learning to live with the living once again.

I've come a long way. I'm learning still.

Klutz

Today I fell outside DW Station a second time. Seriously.... wtf's wrong with me?

This reminds me of something Brandon said once: She runs in heels, but trips in flats.

Yes, I was wearing flats.

And Tracy's reaction while watching Miss Congeniality (Sandra Bullock tripping): OMG!! That's YOU!!! *bursts out laughing...*

Sighs....

Yeah, also fell outside UPM Library once each year I was there. (i.e.: 3 times) :(

I IS KLUTZ... :(

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Nurse is coming! :D:D:D:D

Hey!

Nurse came online and told me she's coming end of the month! YAY!! :)

That's one of my besties there :) Boy, have I missed her :P

Whoopdeedoo :D:D:D

Nights of gossipping, lots of drinking, and crazy laughter coming up :)

Psycho better get ready :P

Trouble

i've been a good girl. almost.

i stay in my corner of the world.

i lick my wounds alone. mostly.

i do all that i had to do.

i know i'll heal. but i won't forget.

i didn't expect to.

i don't go looking for trouble.

i don't search for cheap thrills.

i stay away from addictions.

i wish i could be safe.

but Trouble seems to like me.

do i have it stamped on my forehead?
COME GET ME, BABY. I LOVE GETTING FUCKED?

fuck this shit. fuck all of it.

i don't go looking for Trouble, all u bitches.
get it in your heads. stop making me sound like a bitch in heat.

Trouble comes looking for me. Always.

Maybe he's my ultimate groom after all.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Aptness.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday

Preachers on the podium speaking of saints
Prophets on the sidewalk begging for change
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape cursing my name

I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing
You can spend you whole life working for something
Just to have it taken away

People walk around pushing back their debts
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets
Talking 'bout nothing, not thinking 'bout death
Every little heartbeat, every little breath

People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don't know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway

But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes

Prison walls still standing tall
Some things never change at all
Keep on buildin' prisons, gonna fill them all
Keep on buildin' bombs, gonna drop them all

Working your fingers bear to the bone
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul
Like a lung that's filled with coal, suffocatin' slow

The wind blows wild and I may move
The politicians lie and I am not fooled
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth

The air on my skin and the world under my toes
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes
Chaos and commotion wherever I go
Love I try to follow

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday

Brett Dennen-Ain't No Reason

Sighs... Apt.

H2G2G

So long, and thanks for the fish. Thank you, especially, for leaving.

Bye, doll... it's been bittersweet.

hey you...

i'm sorry i couldn't meet you one last time before you go. and to have planned it so carefully so many times, only to have it busted.

there were so many things i wanted to say. so many things i wanted to ask you about, too. how you are, for one. what your plans are, for another.

guess we've both been so busy with life we didn't have time to meet up and catch up before you leave.

we've only known each other for awhile, but already it's been bittersweet. too many stories, things, secrets, shadows shared. and your leaving now, makes it even more so.

but the chance... it's once in a lifetime. it's everything you dreamed of. it could take you to places lemmings only see in postcards :) i suppose i'll live vicariously through you then. *hugs*

sighs. guess this is it, then. just want you to know i miss you already. and i'm gonna miss you a lot more. at the very least, you called :)

well, you know where to find me. i've always been here. always will be.

you got my addie now, too. let me know yours when you get there, and i'll send it to you.

you take care now. greatness becomes you yet :) yeah, i love you, too. i know i've never really said it in person, but i do. remember to write :) at least we have technology now.

hugs and kisses,
just me.

Friday, September 28, 2007

say it with me now: ooohhhhhhh nnnnooooooooo..... another quiz :P

fine fine... i is siao chabo.... :P so sue me...



yes!!! who be taking me for that holiday? :D

3 random things...

3 random things of the day...

1) i find i've started blogging again.... hmm... it's like a drug... i can't stop :P but i wonder... does this also mean i'm ok now? :) i kinda stopped blogging cos well, some things are just too painful to be put into words. at least, not then. but i think i should archive it here. so that 10 years from now, i can look back, see what went on in my schizo head, and laugh at myself for being so unbearably stupid. :D rebounds are no good. no good at all. :)

2) my pineapple tarts are here!! yummy!!! time to collect from crazywoman :) but gotta pay up, too. with that creature (:P) nothing is free. but ahh.. i never expect things to be anyway. :D

3) you ask me if/when you can have me. honestly, you'll never have me. just the parts of me that i'm able to share with you. :) maybe you've been going about things all wrong then? complete possession is never the answer. yeah. i speak from experience. shadows from my past that could possibly rival yours. shadows very few people know of. and which took me almost 2 years to finally open up to someone about. and only because that someone was leaving :P and then things got easier. shadows that still haunt me to this day. because he still calls. and still texts. but i would never pick up anymore. because he doesn't exist. not to me. yes i can be cold. so cold it burns. like liquid nitrogen. are you sure you know what you're doing?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Bring it on, baby, bring it one

:D

P: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: what
Sent at 17:39 on Thursday
P: wait till i get back on my chair
u r sooo dead
me:
bring it on,baby, bring it on
Sent at 17:42 on Thursday
P: babi

u gotta admit, babe... this is WAAAAYYYYY better than my fucked up jiwang posts :P
btw, u already know i'm a pig... u seriously need to find better names for me :D

ciaoz, this pig is going back to gorge herself on imported from home siobee... and i dunno what else YET :D

'cos i am a bee-o-ach... yeah... fuck me... why don't u :)

psycho says i'm a bee-o-ach :D cos i was gonna blog about her.

see, she told me to fucking blog already, but she herself 'tiada inspirasi'. bitch. cibai. WANKER!

also cos she ppk me for mooncake festival. we were supposed to go out together. all of us. she had to fucking go to the fucking plant at fucking night-time for her fucking fucktard of a fuckwitted company on fucking mid-autum fucking festival. what the fuck.... FUCK!!! bitch. cibai. WANKER!

then yesterday she got back home from work at fucking 5am this morning.... what the fuck!

and she's been meaning to quit for YEARS. i tell yooouuuuuuu.... Fucking Quit Already THEN. haihhh.... she's no sucker when it comes to men (well, not really, but better than me) but she's a fucked up sucker when it comes to work :(

bimbotic bitch comes in and asks her to do something which she's done already (with witnesses) and she's left frustrated and speechless. when she told me, yeah i was so pissed off on her behalf, i told her: why dont u tell her: 'would you like a press conference the next time you're here, ma'am?'

yeah, i learnt to be sarcastically bitchy without being downright insulting in my years doing customer service. when i quit my job at THE STUPIDEST MEDICAL CENTRE this side of malaysia, and the ortho surgeon asked me why i was leaving, i told him: well, it appears there are irreconcilable differences in terms of opinion, ethics and practices with the upper management. he was floored for a several seconds there. :P then he smiled and said: well.... good luck to you, wherever you're going. :) he was the nicest looking thing in that fucked-up place, though. and he was mighty nice, too.

anyway, back to my psychotic friend. was talking to another mutual friend who's in the north now, and well, like all girls, we reminisce about things past, and mutual friends. she was saying something about her putting on weight, i was telling her about some dieting according to blood type which my big boss practices, and several friends did as well, which caused one of them to drop like 18kgs in 3-4 months? hmmm.... and i was telling her about how i cant be doing the 'eat once a day diet', cos i'd frigging go crazy. this girl's gotta eat like every 4 hours. or my hands will shake, i'd start getting miiiggghhhhttttyyyyyy pissy, and then when the migraine sets in, that's it. u're fucking screwed if u're in the line of fire.

so J says: ya ya ya... i must eat too
and i said: i can't be like (psychobitch) eat only once a day... how she can go 24 hours without food is beyond me....
J: omg.. ya... she's crazy... summore she so thin liao.
me: ya loh...
J: tell her she needs a healthier diet, and to eat more. else later her boobs also gone, then she know...

*cue both of us laughing really hard*

why? cos the girl got lovely tits. and i say this in a totally non-lesbo way. it's big. and she's chinese. which is kinda rare. oh, did i say big? i meant fairly damn huge. :P

btw, she knows i'm blogging about her. i gave her fair warning. see, i don't backstab ppl. what's the point when u can stab them when they're watching? :P i rather do the frontstabbing.... in fact...

*text messaging at 6++pm*

me: J and i were discussing u today on msgr. she says u gotta change ur eating habits, or eat more, else u'd be losing ur tits..
P: OOOOIIIIIII!!!!!!!!! BABIIIII!!!!!!!!!
me: btw, we is gonna have another 'kutuk u' session tmr. yes?? u know we laps u :P
P: WTF??!! Oi!! I demand 2 b represented by a defense. I will not be subjected to a trial w/o fair representation!
me: it's not a fair trial... hence the word 'kutuk' :D awww... u know we laps u :P
P: Fuck u bitches...
me: *muaxxx*
P: Grah!! *sigh

hehehe... yep... that's a NORMAL conversation, btw. if we don't insult each other, we feel like something's not right :)

and yeah, she knows i'm blogging about her... i'm fully expecting her to flame me right back. cos she said so :P

ok, on to other stuff.

1) i just got my namecard! FINALLY! :P it says 'consultant'. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!! i was definitely tickled. no handphone number. good. :P

2) planning another tipsy girls' night out when the girl comes back from japan :D yay... somehow we seem to party harder when boys aren't around... odd :P long island tea, bling, lots of suggestive dancing, fuck-me-heels... THAT frame of mind... yep! gonna be a good night. it's all in the company and the music.

3) LOL. J reminisced about the days when she hadn't gotten married, and we were all still in university. how we were supposed to go for dinner at finnegan's but ended up staying for the clubbing.... and we were all in t-shirts while everyone else was in bling... and i ended up tabletop dancing... in my SPIDEY t-shirt... cos there was a really hot woman there who danced like she was a pole-dancer, and she dragged me up there. while she crawled around the table wiggling her assets. hotdamn! yeah, i remember :) good times, those :) those were the times when i still thought everything was possible.

4) i had nothing better to do :P so i went on blogthings... yeah, i still have a weakness for quizzes :D

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.


uggghhhh... it's the last part of that that i wanna change.... but i guess something so ingrained, well.... i guess i'll just have to take me as i am.

enjoy :P

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I'm FUCKIN' BLOGGIN' ALREADY, BITCH!!! :D

so, ahem... i was told to 'Stop fucking around on f***** and start blogging already!'

guess it's been a long time :) so many things have happened since, it amazes me...

life goes on, i guess...

i've got so many blogs written fully in my head, but i'm too darn lazy and i was also genuinely busy, so i haven't blogged. even have some written on paper... but... to... lift... those.... fin-gers.... to... type... is... haaarrrrddddd.... woooorrrrkkkk..... *yawn* :P

(no, bitch... not just busy superpoking ppl :P)

so what have i been up to? what's new?

for the 1.5 ppl still visiting me here :)

i've been:

a) talking to the voices in my head. they were all quarrelling with each other, see :) hence all the stress.... we're all happily on the same side, now, minus the minor arguments, so it's all good :D

b) work. seriously. finished up a job in august. commencing on a few potentials this month. work's good :) keeps me occupied.

c) spending too much time on f****'s apps. gotta join f**** apps anonymous soon :P according to Nick. well, i agree. haha. but it's been a pleasure. found so many old and new friends there :D and it's WAAAAYYYYY cooler than f*****. :P

d) meeting up with friends, meeting new ones, partaaayyyyy-iiinnnnggggg!!!!! :D as some of u might know, from the pics i've put up. life's been rockin'! :D

e) burying the ghosts of the past :) will put up posts about that later. be warned ;) forewarned is forearmed, dahlings :)

i'm glad my friends have rallied for me :) it's good to know one is loved. thank you. all of you :) u guys know who u are. through my fluctuating moods, and my cranky rants. and my anger. and lawd... the frustration :P u ppl must be saints. i love you too :) yeah, this is my way of saying thank you.

what else? ohh... i think bachelor girl's Buses and Trains best describes my situation now.... *sighs* sometimes things happen when one least expects it, i suppose. sang this over and over in the car friday night :P one of my faves from old times. and my god, still so fitting after so many years. kinda like natalie imbruglia's Torn.

Hey Mom, why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two?
You just let me go, out into the world,
You never thought to share what you knew.

CHORUS

So I walked under a bus,
I got hit by a train,
Keep fallin' in love,
Which is kind of the same,
I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane,
And it felt so good, I wanna do it again.

Hey Mom, why didn't you warn me?
'Cause about boys there's something I should have known,
They're like chocolate cake, like cigarettes,
I know they're bad for me but I just can't leave 'em alone.

CHORUS

Hey Mom, since we're talkin',
What was it like when you were young?
Has the world changed or is still the same?
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun.

ciaoz :) will be back again. soon. promise. *kisses*

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Tales from a Forgotten Land

First the story, then the rant.

The East Coast, in general, is a beautiful place. Lush green forests, white sandy beaches. Coming from a Sarawakian girl, that's clearly a compliment. I'm used to natural beauty. In abundance.

Reached KB's airport late. Flight for AirAsia was delayed. Spent the morning briefing interviewers, and completing last minute preparations.

Left for Terengganu by car after lunch.

There really is nothing like a road trip. No better way to see the countryside. Town after town. Nature and civilisation. the deduction I got from travelling across the two states by car, is a comparison between Kelantan and Terengganu.

1. Kelantan is richer by far.
2. The development in Kelantan is more decentralised. (i.e.: There may not be more towns, but the towns are better developed in contrast to the capital.) Terengganu's Kuala Terengganu is beautiful and well-developed. But outside of Kuala Terengganu, their little towns are very underdeveloped in comparison.
3. The majority of Terengganu people are poor/very poor. And as a whole, although Terengganu seem to have more natural resources (e.g. oil), there appears to be more of the poor in Terengganu than in Kelantan. Could it be a matter of wealth distribution?

The myth that the East Coast states are equal if not the same has just been thoroughly debunked.

A fourth, even more shocking myth, from what I've seen, in terms of sociology, is going to be debunked further.

4. Kelantanese appeart to have a greater tolerance for non-natives. In fact, they don't seem to care how I dress, or how I carry myself. They don't even stare. They just smile and go on about their business. I can't say the same for the other. but these are my first impressions. Interesting, no?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Your Personal Tarot Cards are listed below. Scroll down to read a brief description of each card.

It is important to remember that this is not a Tarot Spread. The selection of these cards is based upon your name and birth date. With the exception of the growth cards, your personal cards do not change. Cards that appear more than once in your personal set indicate that the influences they represent are a very powerful force in your life.

Your Power Cards
Represent strengths you were born with.

Judgement
The High Priestess

Judgement embodies those forces which require us to be accountable for our actions. With Judgement, truths are revealed, mysteries are unraveled and responsibility is assigned. Judgement unveils outcomes and marks the ends of things. While it is a time to properly place guilt, it is also a time for atonement and forgiveness. Ultimately the process of Judgement should lead to freedom from errors made in the past and a fresh start with a clean slate. To that end, Judgement actually promises the start of a new journey on which we can apply what we have learned from our past.

When Justice or The Fool are among your personal cards, the influence of Judgement may be increased. Having Death in your personal cards may diminish the influence of Judgement.

Completely feminine and the counterpart to The Magician, the High Priestess is the Gatekeeper of the subconscious. She travels in worlds which most of us only glimpse in our dreams. Her realm is that of unseen truths, untapped potentials, and hidden dangers. The Calling of The High Priestess is to go beyond the obvious and visible to tap those powers which are veiled from normal vision. While she is passive by nature, she has the power to uncover unknown potential and is very aware of the infinite potential all humans harbor within them. She is also very patient. She can wait for events to blossom in their own time.

When The Hermit or Hanged Man are among your personal cards, the influence of The High Priestess may be increased. Having the Magus in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The High Priestess.

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Your Desire Cards
Focus on your ambitions and dreams.

The Hermit
The High Priestess


The Hermit denotes a need to have some space between you and everyday hustle and bustle of a busy world. The Hermit needs to retreat. Indeed, happiness for The Hermit requires seclusion, freedom for material wants and time for intense introspection. The answers The Hermit needs cannot be found in our physical world. The truths he seeks are internal and spiritual. The distraction of a well developed social life can only impede his quest for personal truths. Still, The Hermit does sometimes need to share time with others so that he can learn or teach, guide or be guided. The Hermit’s time spent amongst people depletes his energy quickly. To avoid an overlord, he has to retreat from social settings quickly.

When The High Priestess is among your personal cards, the influence of The Hermit may be increased. Having The World or The Lovers in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Hermit.

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Your Lucky Cards
Represent elements that favor you.

Judgement
The High Priestess


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Your Growth Cards
Represent influences you will need to take advantage of over the next year.

The Star
Strength

The Star represents a strong connection to the Cosmos, an open gateway to understanding the big picture. It is an optimistic card that promises peace, harmony and hope. For the full power of the forces behind The Star to be realized, one must have faith and accept that in cosmic terms all things balance out; that disturbances are sometimes necessary to ensure overall harmony. The reward for such faith is vision on a Cosmic scale, and sense of well-being that may well radiate to those around you through your warm, untroubled heart.

When The Fool or Empress are among your personal cards, the influence of The Star may be increased. Having The Moon or The Tower in your personal cards may diminish its influence.

Strength denotes an inner power, mastery of will and development of inner might. Through mastering one’s emotions and learning from both success and failure, the person Strength represents has reached a place where they are influential without applying physical force. They are able to weather the roughest of storms and not likely to abandon the less fortunate. Strength also denotes a large capacity for forgiveness and compassion. Strength is not as much about winning as it is about overcoming hardship and using well crafted persuasion to ease others to your side.

When The Hanged Man is among your personal cards, the influence of Strength may be increased. Having The Chariot in your personal cards may diminish the influence of Strength.

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Your Core Cards
Represent your most basic traits. All that you are begins with the influences associated with these cards.

Justice
The High Priestess

Justice signifies the principle that although things sometimes seem askew, the Universe is ultimately fair. We may not see or understand why things happen, but most of us sense there is, in fact, a reason and that balance exists even when we cannot see it. Justice denotes fairness, regardless of who you are. At its purest, the forces embodied by Justice give us the power to see without bias and the courage to be accountable for our actions. These powers also test our faith at times. These powers give us the tools and strength to fight injustice in our everyday life. All we have to do is use them.

When The Emperor is among your personal cards, the influence of Justice may be increased. Having The Devil in your personal cards may diminish the influence of Justice.

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Strange... I'd hardly consider myself feminine... intuitive, perhaps. But hardly feminine... so why do I get the most feminine card of the deck 4 out of 5 times in my spread?

And Judgment 2 times...

And Justice is in my cards, which increases the influence of Judgment.
The Hermit is in it as well, which increases the influence of the High Priestess...

Makes me wonder... if this is really who I am, or what I'm like? ,,O.O,,

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Waiting

This resonated in me:

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person;

Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances,
for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you.

Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them.

And most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that's where you belong.

==

You got under my skin. I wouldn't be the person I am now if it weren't for you.
But...

Our Story has ended. It ended even before it had a chance to begin.

And I am sad. But there is no other way.

Perhaps someday you would understand:
That letting go doesn't mean giving up.
It means finally coming to terms with things/people/situations that aren't meant to be.

So now I'll just wait for someone who would take the time to try and understand me,
just as I took the time to try and understand you.

Monday, August 20, 2007

If music be the food of love, play on....

Was chatting with my former student, and she complained about her missing documents before abruptly stopping and said, "Hey, teacher, I gotta go. Got to prepare for orchestra."

A pang of something shot through me, I don't know what. Regret, nostalgia, maybe?

What I know for sure is that I miss the Nurse, and I miss SONS. Can't think of one without the other. I miss playing the piano. (Though I was never a member of SONS). But plenty of my friends then were.

I suppose I miss those times. I miss how we all were then.

Before I came here. Before things got in the way.

It was like The Age of Innocence.

Then again, now isn't all bad.

So if Music be the food of Love, play on...

Finality

17.08.2007. 1942 hours.

I finally took the steps I should have taken long ago on my own accord today.

Finally.

The finality weighted down on me. But it had to be done. Considering how he was a selfish coward to the end, and how finally, that selfish cowardice turned into a cruelty so crippling, its consequences on me, he would never see, and, if I had my way, he'd never know.

He probably never thought twice about it, but he would criticise all but one of my five senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing. The only thing he didn't complain about was my voice. Perhaps, given time, he might have started criticising that as well.

It makes me wonder now: What type of little person was he, that he had to put me down, especially after a particularly intimate moment?
If I had doubts about my self-esteem, his criticism would have destroyed me.
Was that what he was seeking to do? What did he get out of such behaviour? But I no longer want to know.

Looking back now, there are some aspects to our situation then that I did not understand, which I do now. It casts an even greater shadow on the memory.

It makes me wonder, too, if everything he did then, had a hidden agenda. The thought made me blanch, but I suppose I have to face the consequences of my choice. So I made a mistake. A huge one.

I suppose if I were he, I wouldn't be able to help not just having the emotional range of a teaspoon, but also the psychological range of a pinhead.

I feel sorry for him.

But I can't spend the rest of my life playing counselor. And I won't take being used and abused again.

Someday he may finally come to his senses.
Someday he may learn to be less selfish.
Someday he may no longer be a coward.
Someday he may finally grow up and be a man.
But someday is too long to wait.

Someday might be tomorrow. Someday might be his deathbed.
Someday is a word he uses when he doesn't want to make a commitment.

Someday I may learn to trust and respect him again.
Someday I may learn to like him as a person once more.
Someday we might share once more the camaraderie we used to share.
Someday I may no longer feel as hurt as I do now.

But for now, I would rather keep it like this.

It would be as though we never met again.

I would remember him as the boy I used to know in school.

I'd wipe out as best I can, my memory of him as the charred holey remains of a shell I met again years later.

Because no matter how hard I tried to fill that shell, I could never do so.
No matter how much tears I filled it up with, it never did fill.

So I've stopped trying. It's too late for me.
Perhaps not for him, but for me.

Because it hurts to feel used.
Because it hurts to feel cheated on.
Because it hurts to care and yet realise it's one-sided.
Because it hurts to love a person incapable of loving.
Because it hurts to feel stupid and question your own judgment.
Because it hurts to know you've been betrayed.
Because it hurts to ask yourself:
'You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?'

Love and acceptance has to be borne, it cannot be expected from someone else.
If you hold someone's hand, you would never let it go. But it you ask someone to hold yours, you never know when you would be let go of.
You have to love and accept yourself first, before someone else can love and accept you. Because truly, how the world sees you, is how much you see, and show of, yourself to the world.

I suppose that truth is something he would never understand. Partly because he has never really wanted to try. An empty peace without true commitment is always what he had sought after. He is still a spoilt, selfish, cowardly little brat. A wilful 4-year-old who throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he want. Took me awhile to see that, and come to terms with it. All the women in his life, he had never treated well. Not the first, not the second, not the third, not the fourth, and not even his mother. He had never had enough respect for anyone of them to tell anyone of them the full truth at all times.

He hates himself. TOO much. And he expects other people to fill that gap in his life. To make him feel good about himself. To keep him from hating himself. He doesn't realise only he himself can do that for himself.

I refuse to live like that. Yet that is the very painful truth I had to finally come to terms with. That was what sealed the decision for me. A boy who has no respect for his parents, and who hates himself, is extremely flawed in character.

And the truth is, no matter how elitist this may sound, but Oprah Winfrey was right. We should surround ourselves only with people who would lift us up, not drag us down.

I hope this would be the end of it. The last of it. I'm turning my wounds into wisdom. Because I know, the way we're meant to be is that where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Perhaps that was his problem from Day 1. But it's no longer my problem. It never was in the first place. All he's ever done for me was tell me 'No'. No, I wasn't good enough. No, I wasn't hot enough. No, I wasn't skinny enough (I should weigh less than 45kgs). No, I didn't smell good enough. No, No, No. Fuck it, he had never earned the right to tell me Yes in the first place. So why take a No?

'When it comes to being lucky, he's first,
When it comes to loving me, he's the worst.'

Here are more of my favourite quotes from the Great Coloured Lady:

1. Never take a 'no' from somebody who isn't in a position to give you a 'yes' in the first place.

2. We are each responsible for our own life - no other person is or even can be.

3. The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.

4. If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think.

5. I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself.

6. You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more.

7. It is confidence in our bodies, minds and spirits that allows us to keep looking for new adventures, new directions to grow in, and new lessons to learn - which is what life is all about.

8. I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk.

9. For everyone of us that succeeds, it's because there's somebody there to show you the way out. The light doesn't always necessarily have to be in your family.

10. We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are.

11. I know that you cannot hate other people without hating yourself.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Writing

I'm creating a site specifically for my writing.

Gonna start writing again.

:) I feel good.

A little sad to say goodbye to the old me, but without death, there wouldn't be life, would there? Without goodbyes, there wouldn't be hellos.

Everything happens for a reason.

And I wouldn't settle for second best.

My Fave Quote of the Week.

It doesn't matter that I'm so going to overdose on most if not all of these food because like what they always said in camp, "What the mind can perceive, the body can conceive." So, I perceive that after eating all these, I will be SLIM, SEXY and HOT. Sorrylah for being so perasan but I need to perceive it so that I can conceive it. :P

~My former student, A.T.~

LoL!!! I taught her well, apparently. :P She's going off to be yet another Teresian Ivy-Leaguer soon. All the Best! ;)

Student, u take me for all that makan when u get back again :)

But for now, i'll be a good former teacher and say: Study Smart, Study as Hard as you Party ;) cos u've only got uni years once. Don't waste it mooning over stupid useless boys, and ruining the rest of your life by making excuses for living :) You've got ur youth only once too. Make the best of it. You never know if you die tomorrow in some freak accident :P I know: CHOI!!!

So Party Hard, Study Hard, Party SMART, Study SMART, Regret Nothing. There's always something to be learnt from everyone and everything.

Good Luck! MUAX! :)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

stories from a forgotten land

got some silly stories to tell of my (mis)adventures over at the east coast.

but i'm tired, and so damn busy, and i've got the heavin' feelin', so i'll put it off to another day.

do remind me.

Autobots! Transform and Roll Out!


Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!


so i'm secretly boring :P ok, now u know my biggest secret....
underneath all that insanity, mischieviousness and tongue-in-cheek sexual innuendoes and comments, i'm actually very cautious, and very quiet. and i prefer level-headed dissections any day to bimbotic loud 'hEwOw!! i WUV uuuuuu.... AHHHHH!!!! HaWwIe PoTteR!!!!'

:P man, how do ppl type like that anyway?

Friday, August 10, 2007

What the eyes cannot see....

Project came in just before I came back in to work.

The moment I came back, there's a whole lotta stuff to do.

Been working like a dog these past few days, get back from work late and exhausted trying to rush the deadline.

It's good in a way. Will be too tired to let my mind wander.

However, I've been wondering why I've been sick so often since I moved to my new room. After some long due cleaning up, I found the culprit.

Fungi.... Wood fungi. Sighs.....

Oh this is just great... to top off everything....

I hate the physical manifestations of the see-saw of my emotional state. It's more than my body can handle, sometimes.

First, the breakouts, which is caused by weeks of stress. Then the bleeding, which is bad, considering I actually suffer from low-blood pressure and mild anaemia. This would be 2-3 weeks after.

I need to clean the cobwebs in my closet like I clean my room...
I need to get ALL the poison out of my system..... But...., how?

Can I not care what happens? Should I think of just ME for once?

I abhor living a lie. I can't do it.

I abhor secrets. I'm not the type to hide....

So...

Pondering, pondering.....

What to do? What to do?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I'm THAT FAT meh???

i've been told i'm insane.

i've been told i'm cheeky.

not too long ago, i was a Class A nerd. like, seriously! :P

aye, i think i still am.

so i don't quite know where to place myself.

all i know is, i've always been odd. not queer, darling, i appreciate way too much the aesthetic beauty of the male body to swing the other way, much to my dismay. as a quite-nearly-there faggy boy (well, at least, he acts faggy sometimes) once told me: turning bi-curious doubles your chances of getting laid. :P to which i replied: hunny, i ain't got no trouble gettin' laid, babe.

so yeah, i don't quite know where i stand sometimes. a cheeky class A nerd?

anyway, i was walking at a prominent shopping complex yesterday evening with two of my galpals, we were about to go home after a swanky dinner. yep, girls like to pamper themselves. :) boys, note this, and note it well: the better ur woman feels about herself, the better she'd make u feel. really, she'd make u one happy happy boy. of course, that is if both of u really like each other enough to care. that goes without saying, no?

there was an OSIM promotion going on. well, one of the salesboys were trying to convince us to try their product. unfortunately the poor boy was pointing to the uZap poster, while trying to convince my friend. oooo.....

ok, none of us make a stick insect look curvy. and honestly, i like my ass JUST the way it is, thank you very much. at least if i'm getting screwed, my man ain't gonna feel no pain after 6 hours straight of thrusting. that way, he can do more of it in the morrow. ok?

so no, i don't wanna weigh under 45kgs. i know, MOST (not ALL) moronic chinese boys like their females plank-like. meaning: 'front dun have, back dun have', please sway like a waterlily, listen to everything i say, cling to me like a barnacle and never let me go even if i do u sooo sooooooo bad. cos my self-esteem can't take no shit from no real woman.

my poor friend. she was trying to ignore him. he was insistent. biasa-lerrr, salesman. so i spoke loudly to the friend between us: Just tell him laaa..... i'm THAT FAT meh???

friend B stared at me, shocked. friend A turned her attention away from salesman towards me. salesman was shocked for awhile then quickly recovered and said: Not fat.... massage maa.....

all three of us burst out laughing, and walked away.

kekeke.....

insane meh? evil meh? just mischievous laaa.... having been brought up constantly under the hawk-like eyes of my very watchful parents, i'm just making up for lost time. ;)

Monday, August 06, 2007

Dragonflies

Been seeing too many dragonflies of late. I walk out of the house, and I see a dragonfly. Whether the real thing, or a human interpretation of it.

I wonder what it means....

Not that I don't like dragonflies. I love them. Caught them as a child. Studied the different colours and intricacies of the wing patterns. Then I released them.

Yep! I is kampung girl. I could tell the difference between a male and female dragonfly as a girl. Not sure I remember how to now anymore, though.

Even as a 5-year-old, I loved Biology.

Had always preferred dragonflies to butterflies, for some reason. Perhaps I liked the fact that dragonflies seem to be able to move from water to air. It's as though they made something out of themselves from humble beginnings.

Never mind. I'm rambling. And beginning to sound even more like a madwoman than usual. :)

I'm not superstitious, or anything, but... there has been times in my life when a recurring event/object/creature means some Greater Power up there is trying to tell me something.

Dreams. Objects. Events. Form 5. Form 6. University. PG Dip. Now.

Dejavu.

I wonder what it means.

I really do think Someone's trying to tell me something. It's getting way too often to be ignored.

Should go and find out if dragonflies mean anything, and if they do, what they symbolise.

Sigh.... Now I sound even more insane than I already am. :P

Men are like Shoes.....

I have a friend.

She has little feet.

She has bought herself 3 pairs of vinyl finished white peeptoe heels of varying heel heights because she wants to find that perfect white pair.....

Who wants white heels in size 3 1/2? E-mail me. She can't use it anyway :P She can't walk in them.

I have learnt, from her shoe-buying habits that...

She searches for the perfect shoes like she searches for the perfect man.

1. Look for cheaper ones first.

2. Try them out then. If there isn't a match, don't bother.

3. If it's ok ok, can do lah. Try to make it fit as best as possible. Try to make it work. (The amount of money she spent on Scholl paddings probably cost more than the shoes now....) If after doing everything, and trying a couple of times more (i.e. 2-3 times, both for shoes, and for men), it still doesn't work, discard. Get new one.

4. Sometimes you find one that fits you perfectly, it'd cost you a lot, though. But it'd be SOOOOO worth it.

Conclusion? Men are like shoes.....

1. The cheap ones wear out fast. And they don't fit very well.

2. The amount of padding and effort used to make it as comfy as possible to fit you isn't worth it, and isn't going to work long term. In fact, it's only going to cost you more.

3. So put the investment and the effort in one that's worth it, one that fits you best.

4. It costs you initially, but it lasts for years and years, and it only gets better with age. It's a long term investment that brings better returns with time.

As for the Miss I know above? She now has shoes she's only worn less than 5 times, less than 5 hours each time. Anyone with size 3 1/2 (36) feet and looking for white peeptoes, let me know. Maybe you can get it from her at a discounted price. :P

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Decisions

Whoever implied/said growing up was fun/easy needs his nads removed in the most painful way possible.

It ain't easy. Or fun.

And right now, I feel like bloody murder on the one hand, and a painful resignation on the other.

Some things are best served cold. And unannounced.

Decisions.

Should I, should I not?

Who would suffer?

How do I clean up the mess after? 'Cos I know I'd have to do it. Assholes just shit and leave the shit to decompose on its own. Or hope someone would clean up after them. They wouldn't be assholes if they took responsibility for their own actions now, would they?

Then again, perhaps I should let assholes have a taste of their own medicine now, no?

Damage control.

How could I minimise the damage that would be done?

Or should I just let all hell break lose?

Not like I have much to lose, anyway. What's there left to lose?

I've built up my life from scratch once before, I can do it again.

And again. And again.

I don't like getting out of my relative comfort zone right now, but hell, if that's what it takes, that's what I'd do.

There is only one way for redemption. There is but one answer. I will make no more concessions. I've made too many too often as it is. At too many people's expense.

My mistake was taking too long to make my stand. And being too kind.

Explanations are for pussies who use it as another way of making another million excuses. A coward's form for being 'the wolf in sheep's clothing.'

The explanation is only worthy when followed up with the necessary deed.

Spare me the BS. Really. I've known too many NATO (No Action Talk Only) members in my 20 odd years in my life as it is.

It's disgusting.

Adios para siempre.