14 months

If only people just said what they meant... and meant what they said... the world would be a much better place.

He says I don't get it.

Perhaps we don't understand each other.

Looking back at 14 months...

When we were going out, he spent more time with his pals than he did with me, even when I was there.

But now that we aren't, it's as though I matter even less now: 'Don't expect VIP service anymore'.

Strange... I never did feel like I was a veep in the first place.

This was one of my two trips up north where we actually did spend quality time together. Too bad that it was too little, too late. Too bad that the last time was November of last year.

Why is it that when we were supposedly going 'steady' that I feel like I'm being taken for granted?

We never really did have nice sit-down-hold-hands dinners together. Not since he came down to ask me to be his woman. Never since. Not on Christmas. Not on New Year's. Not on Valentine's. Not on either of our birthdays. Not on our 'anniversary'.

1 month into the relationship, we spent some quality time together. We were happy.

2 months into the relationship, I went up for New Year's Eve. I spent it with his friends. He was working. He came around just to wish me Happy New Year's and kiss me good night. When he came home in the morning and fell asleep, he called out the ex's name in sleep. On New Year's Day.

4 months into the relationship, and we've hardly seen each other. He was supposed to make a trip down after CNY for Valentine's too. Work got in the way.

5 months into the relationship, I found sexchat vids in his computer.... months later, I turn on an old phone to find sexy texts corresponding to the date of the vids... around the time I went home for CNY. Yes, by then, the trust had been slowly eroded over a series of very unfortunate events. I almost walked out on him 5 months into the relationship.

6 months into the relationship, we attempted to work out the relationship and took a trip together. It was the first time he actually held me and cuddled me in his sleep. I cried that night. It was the first time I truly felt like a girlfriend.

7 months into the relationship. He bought me a cake for my birthday. Unfortunately I was stupid and the poor cake melted. I appreciated the gesture. It was sweet. No dinner though... he had to work. We did manage to catch Ironman together. 7 months into the relationship, we finally watched a movie together.

9 months into the relationship, he came down for his friend's wedding. I had a horrible nightmare that night. It was the first time I noticed he was symptomatic, too.

Almost 10 months into the relationship, I went up north again. We managed to catch The Dark Knight together. After waiting for so long.

10 months into the relationship... he slipped into mild depression. He felt like he was going nowhere. He didn't want to talk to me either.

11 months into the relationship, he put up as profile picture, a photo he took while having a costume party for his yearly birthday bash. The picture had him and another girl wearing matching coloured outfits (it just happened to be so) sharing a seat. Very nice picture. Very cute too. The girl wasn't me. And I've never met her. Yes, she was a close friend. I wouldn't care if it was just another photo. 

But it was an uncaptioned profile picture for a good 3 weeks or so despite my protestations. After a very long, very angry fight where he threatened to dump my jealous ass, the picture came down.

Almost 12 months into the relationship, I spent the festive season with him. His parents sat me down and queried me about many things, basically whether I was serious about their son. Whether I was willing to make the necessary sacrifices. He watched. When we were alone, he asked if I was going to leave him.

12 months into the relationship... we're fighting more than we're laughing. Angry more than we're happy. I called for a break. He changed his status to 'single'. He thought I wanted a break up. 

13 months into the relationship, he came down for a patch up. For the first time, we actually spent a day walking around aimlessly, shopping.

2 weeks later, he was out 'unwinding'. I wanted to talk to him. He was with friends. He never talks much to me when he's out with friends. Too noisy, he says. I call again an hour later. He was still out. And again half an hour later. Still out. He snapped at me: I'd call you when I'm home. Then out comes the accusations: You don't trust me, might as well we be over.

A few days later, my alterego gets messaged by my boyfriend of almost 14 months on a dating webbie.

I walked out in the rain.

It was cold outside... colder still within me.

14 months. I go up north one last time for some explanation. I wanted to know why. What did I ever do that he'd hurt me this way? By his own admission, he's flirtatious by nature.

I never did feel like a veep. How could I? Given the circumstances?

14 months. 

Granted it's long distance. Granted he works when I sleep, and sleeps when I wake. Granted I'll never really know where he is exactly at any given time.

But does he have to be such a man always that he can't be seen showing his woman a little bit of affection? Does he have to prove he's such a man, having a permanent woman is not enough, he's got to see if he 'still got it'?

Yes, in his own way, he loves me. But he's got really strange ways of showing that.

I don't know about his exes... I don't know about him... but I can't pretend to still be with a man when I'm looking around to see if I 'still got it'. I just can't.

For me, it's best to make my case and leave, with as little emotional baggage as possible. It's pointless dragging around a dead weight of a relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

After all, he says all these wouldn't happen if we were nearer each other. But there's nothing we can do about the distance right now. Both of us had always known that it was going to be long distance.

14 months.

I've been jealous. The distance and the timing. Which girlfriend has never been, please stand up now, so I know I've been stupid.

I've been paranoid. The distance and the timing and the events that had ensued due to that.

I've even been psychotic. The distance, the timing, the events that slowly unfolded over 14 months.

I've been a royal bitch. Definitely. I no longer want to be a pushover after all. I say what's on my mind. I don't like what I've been getting, and I'm saying so. Because boyfriends who marry their girlfriends don't treat said girlfriends like this :( Not the ones I know anyway.

He asks if I actually believe that I'm just another one of his girlfriends that mean nothing. I would like to think I made a difference. That I AM different. But I'm not going to blind myself to what's happening around me. Nothing has changed as yet. 

We're still long distance after all. Our relationship also ended due to the distance and the timing and the constraints and issues that spring out of these differences. Unless something changes, I am going to end up just another statistic after all.

I can't live on sweet promises alone, after all :( 

14 months of sweet promises, and occasional tastes of passion.

Much as I'd like to nurture that long lost hopeless romantic buried somewhere deep within me, I'd like something tangible to hold on to.

The romance can always come out of a strong loving relationship based on respect, trust and communication. There will always be room for romance in a relationship like that.

14 months. I look at the 2 mementos he left me, and I am deeply saddened.

I haven't managed to take down much food since Sunday.

And today, for the first time in 2 1/2 days, I pooped... instead of purged... and it was green. 

But I suppose my sorrow cannot be greater than a friend's. To have lost twins over the weekend. I'm so sorry, honey. I'd give you a big comforting hug if I could.

If I Were A Boy

Intimacy...

Honesty...

Commitment...

You... Me... Us...

If I were a boy

Even just for a day

I'd roll out of bed in the morning

And throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls

I'd kick it with who I wanted

And I'd never get confronted for it 

Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he's taking you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy

I would turn off my phone

Tell everyone it's broken

So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first

And make the rules as I go

Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,

Waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he's taking you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back

Say it's just a mistake,

Think i'd forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you

You thought wrong

You know when you act like that, I don't think you realise how it makes me look... or feel.

Act like what? Why are you so jealous? It's not like I'm sleeping with the guy...

What?

What?

I said: Yo, why are you so jealous, it's not like I'm sleeping with the girl...

But you're just a boy

You don't understand

Yeah you don't understand, ohhhh

How it feels to love a girl

Someday you'll wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her

You don't care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted

Cause you're taking her for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

Offer

You say it's not what you do

It's what you're thinking of

Well, I think that's just an excuse

It's what you put across

Cos I don't want to be the one

Only overjoyed

Yeah, I don't want to be the one

Making all the noise

Yeah, I don't want to be the one

So make sure you're thinking it through

You've let me down again

Offer me something

I know you really meant

Cos I don't want to be the one

Only overjoyed

Yeah, I don't want to be the one

Making all the noise

Yeah, I don't want to be the one

Hey...

What you gonna offer now?

Cos I don't want to be the one

Only overjoyed

Yeah, I don't want to be the one

Making all the noise

Yeah, I don't want to be the one

Hey!

What you gonna offer now?

What you gonna offer now?

This was not my idea

Don't you keep me waiting.

(What you gonna offer now?)

This was not my idea

Don't you keep me waiting.

This was not my idea

Don't you keep me waiting.

(What you gonna offer now?)

~Be The One, The Ting Tings~

http://www.thetingtings.com/gb/recordings/songs/be_the_one_acoustic_ 

Is it getting better

Or do you feel the same

Will it make it easier on you

Now you got someone to blame

You say

One love

One life

When its one need

In the night

One love

We get to share it

It leaves you baby

If you dont care for it

Did I disappoint you? 

Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? 

You act like you never had love

And you want me to go without

Well its too late

Tonight

To drag the past out

Into the light

We're one

But we're not the same

We get to carry each other

Carry each other

One

Have you come here for forgiveness

Have you come to raise the dead

Have you come here to play Jesus

To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much

More than a lot

You gave me nothing

Now its all I got

We're one

But we're not the same

Well, we hurt each other

Then we do it again

You say

Love is a temple

Love a higher law

Love is a temple

Love the higher law

You ask me to enter

But then you make me crawl

And I cant be holding on

To what you got

When all you got is hurt

One love

One blood

One life

You got to do what you should

One life

With each other

Sisters

Brothers

One life

But we're not the same

We get to carry each other

Carry each other

One.

One.

~One, U2~

Blindness

"A man is only as sick as his secrets."

We used to like each other. Laugh a lot. Smile a lot. Have fun together. With each other.

Then things got in the way... little things... big things... they just piled up, one on top of the other. No time for each other... no patience either... even less time to start making up for the things that got in the way... maybe we got tired of each other... maybe we're just not right for each other... maybe we need to be apart from each other, more so than we are now.

We don't laugh anymore... smile, either... we have no time for each other... no space, it seems. We'll just end up missing each other, and not being able to do anything about it, not with each other anyway. And that's probably the worst part of this. Not being able to do anything about it.

My blog is hurting him, it seems... so I guess I'll take my thoughts elsewhere.

I hope someday I'll have a chance to return to this spot. It's been my shelter through many storms.

Jettisoning myself...

He doesn't get it...

Why I had to speak to someone who knows him well, more his friend than mine, who would be able to provide me a more balanced, neutral opinion. I was at the end of my road. Who else was I to speak to, his mother? Mine? :( 

Why I'm insecure... why I distrust him... he doesn't get it. He doesn't get how his actions affect me, even 292kms away.

How this is my last ditch attempt at this relationship...

He thinks this is a cry for attention instead :(

That this little space of mine in cyberworld is the one place where I find solitude sometimes. Which is why I keep it mostly anonymous, which is why sometimes I let it go for long periods without writing anything. 

This is my personal avenue for heartbreak, for frustration, for rage... He requested that I not keep anything secret from him, which was why I still blog here. This is part of me, after all. If I don't write here, where do I write then? Just to keep my distance, should I write somewhere else?

He doesn't get me... he doesn't get my need for devotion. He doesn't get that without that, everything else doesn't feel the same for me. He doesn't get that, for me, everything's connected. Devotion = passion = love = sex. 

He doesn't get why I walked out in the rain.

Why I can't seem to eat anything, why I can't seem to sleep. Not that I don't want to, I couldn't.

And I don't get him. That swirling cess pool of his mind. Trying so hard. Failing miserably.

S.O.S.

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find

I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind

Whatever happened to our love? 

I wish I understood

It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

You seem so far away though you are standing near

You made me feel alive, but something died I fear

I really tried to make it out

I wish I understood

What happened to our love, it used to be so good

So when youre near me, darling cant you hear me

S. o. s.

And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me

S. o. s.

When youre gone

How can I even try to go on? 

When youre gone

Though I try how can I carry on? 

When youre gone

How can I even try to go on? 

When youre gone

Though I try how can I carry on?

When all is said and done

He lies. I know it. Through his teeth.

He hates feeling guilty, so he makes me feel bad instead.

Push everything that he does on my pessimism, my insecurity.

He says if something he does makes me unhappy, he wouldn't do it, but still he does.

I guess there really is nothing left but goodbye, when all is said and done.

sighs....

Have been deeply disappointed.

With a lot of things.

With myself, probably, most of all.

WHY can't I get a grip on myself?

WHY can't I just let things go?

Just let everything go, you know? Take off. Pack my bags and leave the country.

And never come back.

Wishful thinking.

My body is failing me. My hands are always shaking like I'm on drugs now.

My work... sighs... I wanna sink Singapore into the ocean floor. Too bad I got many good friends there. Else I certainly would've.

My personal life. I don't know what's the deal there. Trying so hard to understand. Failing miserably.

Add to that the fact that I'm a creep magnet... what's the story? Shall save it for another day.

Songs from Childhood.... again

Someone asked to remember childhood songs from church. The two I remember the best, even after all these years were Amazing Grace and Make Me A Channel Of Your Peace.

Especially for the one adapted from the Prayer of St Francis, as my school had many Franciscan Sisters. The prayer was even in the school hall. Each time I despair, this song always seems to calm me down. Here are the lyrics, and a beautiful rendition by Sinead O'Connor on youtube: 

Make me a channel of your peace

Where there is hatred let me bring your love

Where there is injury, your pardon Lord

And where there is doubt true faith in You

Make me a channel of your peace

Where there is despair in life let me bring hope

Where there is darkness only light

And where there's sadness ever joy

Oh, Master grant that I may never seek

So much to be consoled as to console

To be understood as to understand

To be loved as to love with all my soul

Make me a channel of your peace

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned

It is in giving to all men that we receive

And in dying that we are born to eternal life

And a rendition of the Prayer of St Francis by the amazing voice of Sarah McLachlan:

I'm sure everyone knows 'Amazing Grace'... c'mon....

i know not where to start, and i know not where i'd end

how to start when i don't even know for sure what happened?

i guess it's a culmination of all the little things. little things become big things. big things grow into monsters and lurk under beds and in closets. and one fine day, u put your smelly shoes under the bed and the monsters storm out.

little things...

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by

Every now and then I fall apart

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do... a total eclipse of the heart

little things... i have my flaws, i know. but Lord knows i've tried. and u know that too. so how could you think i think any less of you?

I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect, but neither have you

i'm just a girl with her first serious love after all.

I can't be who you are

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

There's no more need to pretend
Cause now I can begin again

Send a heartbeat to
The void that cries through you
Relive the pictures that have come to pass
For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate

Delivered from the blast
The last of a line of lasts
The pale princess of a palace cracked
And now the kingdom comes
Crashing down undone
And I am a master of a nothing place
Of recoil and grace

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

sigh. would you believe me if i told you each night i get on my knees and pray? for what was, what is, what might have been and what might be?

when did we come to this? watching each other from the corners of our eyes? walking on eggshells around each other? when did we start censoring ourselves?

here i am 2 months later, singing the same tune, the same song:

I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

every time i see you falling.... everytime

To honour, love and respect.

these are going to be short essays, distilled essences of thoughts over many months. after all, brevity is the soul of wit.

been wanting to write so many things:

about life. how it's so fleeting. so fragile. a friend of mine was so shaken, because her friend died in a horrible car accident. just a week prior, they had chatted about how she'd be starting a new life in another place, where my friend was. a week later, news filtered through that she had died in a horrible car crash. what irony. what meaninglessness. what an awful waste. so much potential. so much passion. so much youth. *snap!* and it's gone. like a bunny in a magician's hat.

and yet, how much do we really know a person? we can spend an entire lifetime with a person, and in his/ her death, be stunned by how little we know.

but life.... it's so unpredictable. so short. so seemingless meaningless at times. yet so powerfully moving at others.

life is fragile. and painful. and beautiful.

i told you: i wish i could've made more of an impact in other people's life. i wish i could've left school at 24 and traversed the world in help of the needy. my next manicure, my heartbreaks over men would've paled so much in comparison to 8 year olds dying of AIDS in my arms. or a pregnant young woman of 14 sobbing her heart out on my shoulder as i tended to the ugly purple welts on her body caused by the lashings of her poor drunken husband 12 years older than she was/ or her pimp who wants her to have an abortion. who am i? what difference can i make?

i told you: when i died, i'd like for as much of my organs to be donated to as many who'd need them, and the remains to be cremated, and the ashes be scattered over a flower bed. because i believe that's how life cycles in the greater scheme of things should be. with death, should come life. and that's why i don't smoke. and i try to keep myself in as good a shape as i can. someone else may need my liver and my heart more than i do.

i'm morbid.


about families. how they shape us. how they love us no matter how much we hurt them. how they welcome the prodigal son with open arms. how much they can hurt us. how much we can hurt them. and yet ultimately, how much we are bonded together no matter what the circumstances. and if familial ties are good, how much they protect.


about love - old loves, new loves. fleeting love, everlasting love. who's to say one impacts us less than another? who's to say the passion of a love of one month is less painful than one that lasts a span of 50 years? after all, both are imprints in the cement of our heart and our soul. they may erode with time, but the outline would always remain. the past may be the past, but the past helped shaped the future. and unless, like the rest of our world's problems, we learn from history, the past would always come back and haunt us. in the shape of the present.

after all, it's been said that our experiences are repetitive from the experiences we've learnt in our formative years. and so, the rest of our lives are repetitions of our childhood experiences. we react to stimuli the way we were taught to react in childhood. and the only other new experience that we would learn in adulthood/ post-pubescence would be the sexual climax. after that, we'd be repeating our initial sexual experience. we'd react to it as we were taught to in that initial experience and repeat it with future partners.

is that how love is as well?

it's been said that men (and perhaps women) have 4 loves in their lives:

1. the love of his/ her childhood (aka childhood sweetheart, puppy love, etc.)
2. the love of his/ her youth (possibly first real love, the one that made a bigger impact, first cut, etc.)
3. the love of his/ her manhood/ womanhood (the love that was made as a mature, responsible adult, one where he/ she assesses compatibility, lifestyle choices, background, etc. rather than profess undying love due to passion, sexual compatibility, physical attraction, etc. you get the idea)
4. the love of his/ her deathbed (where his/ her partner lives to watch him/ her die. the one where he/ she wakes up next to the creaking bones of his/ her senescence. where he/ she smells that old people smell everyday. where he/ she puts up with his/ her failing bladder, falling hair, lack of sexual drive/ sexual ability. where he/ she is the one wiping the snot of his/ her nose because he/ she can no longer do it him/ herself, etc. you get the idea too)

it's said that it is already lucky to have 3 and 4 be the same person, some are luckier still to have 2, 3 and 4 be one and the same. some rare few have all 4 be the same man/ woman.

who's to say? in my grandmother's time, there was no chance or choice to bemoan and wonder if you had married the right person. one is married, and then falls in love. or maybe never fall in love at all, but learn to appreciate one's life partner. with two world wars to survive through, who has time to think whether the next door guy is a better lover/ husband?

but in today's world, in a time of relative economic, political and social peace, with technology crossing all manner of borders, where does one cross the line? you look at your friend's boyfriend and wonder if he'd make a better boyfriend to you. or you look at your friend's sister and wonder if you had made the wrong choice for a girlfriend. or your colleague. or your neighbour. or your friend. or your cyberpal, after one too many online flirtation. too many choices. too little conscience.

we're spoilt for choice. and yet we're ill-equipped to make the right ones.

and so, when i met a friend of mine last week, one i hadn't seen in years, and her brother, who i haven't spoken to in many many years too, with his wife of a year old, i was struck by how quietly and simply eloquent the inscription in their rings were: to honour, love and respect.

To honour, love and respect. Inscribed on the inside of a simple, white-gold wedding band. With the date of their wedding. Taken straight out of their marriage vows:

To honour, love and respect all the days of our lives.

Love. do we really know what it means? so overused. so underappreciated. said at the height of passion. forgotten the next morning. said at the honeymoon stage of a relationship. forgotten when things get rough. as they inadvertently do. said to a replacement when the fires of a previous relationship had barely cooled. thrown out the window at the first argument.

To honour, love and respect. They come together. In a trinity. that's how love lasts, after all.

To honour, love and respect. Do we really know how to do that?

Honour. Do we know what it means?

Love. Do we appreciate the full extent of its meaning?

Respect. Do we have enough of this for ourselves, and hence, other people?

To honour, love and respect. All the days of our lives. Think about it.

It's as much a huge commitment as it is a wonderful promise. Perhaps it is both.

A boring workday.... a not-so-boring conversation

This was just WAAAYYYYY TOOOOO precious to NOT cut and paste up as a blogpost :P

Btw, my dear blogders... if any of you knows of any guy who fits the description below, please drop me an email at: nemesisonfire@gmail.com. I got a big-breasted, small-footed, fair-skinned, slit-eyed, technologically-CRAZY, slightly manic, virginal girl friend to introduce to him :P

I'd so get slaughtered for pimping her off like this :D but oh well.... :P

On a fine Friday afternoon, getting typically bored at work on a typically unexciting workday, other than completely scandalising my totally straitlaced (though I'd bet he's gay) colleague (he reads Jane Austen! I mean.... even the lady mentioned below can't stand Jane Austen! ohh... I forgot, she's quite male :P) and my completely gay colleague who fancies Mr. Straitlace.... the day continued to crawl along at a snail's pace as usual....

Until! I had the fine idea to have Ms. XY entertain me... she's very good at that :P

After all, we had a hot new topic to discuss.... a mutual friend's recent erm.... sexploits. Let's call her Ms. XX

[15:17]: teeteeteeeettttttt
[15:17]: i'm bored
[15:17]: i hear u gave ms. xx the third degree
ms. xy [15:17]: of coz
[15:18]: :P
[15:18]: yes, mama
[15:18]: :D
[15:18]: u're like the mother hen
[15:18]: guarding all the little chicks
[15:19]: then u peckpeck them if they run out of the reban ayam :P
ms. xy [15:19]: ??
ms. xy [15:19]: uh yeah.......
ms. xy [15:19]: if they something stupid
[15:20]: :D
[15:20]: u do realise....
[15:21]: it's fun watching u go nutterz? :P
[15:22]: and when u go: are u friggin outta ur mind?
[15:23]: but yalah
[15:23]: i told her i agree with u :P a bit ironic for a person selling HIV kits to be so ermmm.... cavalier :)
ms. xy [15:24]: was foaming at the mouth
[15:24]: ermmmm
[15:24]: i can imagine :P
[15:25]: why, did she come one day all starry eyed and all? :P
ms. xy [15:25]: no
ms. xy [15:25]: she spilled
ms. xy [15:25]: w/o me sayin nuthing
[15:26]: oh? yalar... she came all starry eyed
[15:26]: and cooey and happy :P
[15:26]: going it was so nice, etc etc? :P
ms. xy [15:28]: nope
ms. xy [15:28]: a bit sheepish actually
ms. xy [15:28]: since i querried bout d *ahem*
[15:30]: i KNEW it. u'd be the one going: are u practising safe sex? :P
[15:30]: then she'd go: i'm on the pill......
[15:30]: :P
ms. xy [15:33]: yes the it'll be i'm said SAFE sex. not birth control
[15:33]: :)
[15:34]: welllll.... i was quite stunned at first too
[15:34]: him being *** and all
[15:34]: if he's circumcised, it'll lessen the chances a bit
ms. xy [15:34]: *rolls eyes*
[15:34]: :D
[15:35]: man.... i wonder if u finally get a bf, u'd make him do the entire bloodtest, condom thingy :P
ms. xy [15:37]: prob
ms. xy [15:37]: n a full body scrubdown with antimicrobials
ms. xy [15:37]: mayb wrap him in nano silver
[15:43]: .....
[15:43]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[15:43]: u wanna turn him into a robot, duncha
[15:43]: hahahahaha
[15:44]: then how about the sex?
[15:44]: and the french kissing?
[15:44]: no go? :P
ms. xy [15:47]: after the nano silver works its magic
[15:47]: HAHAHAHAHAHA
[15:48]: u gonna wrap the insides of his mouth with nano silver too?
[15:48]: direct bodily fluid exchange how? :P
ms. xy [15:52]: more like flush his blood stream with it
ms. xy [15:53]: then make him wear a patch that constantly excrets d particles into him
[15:54]: LOL
[15:54]: ROFLMAO
[15:54]: thanks for making my day
[15:54]: u soooo want a robot for a bf
ms. xy [15:56]: of coz
[15:58]: can i PLEASE
[15:58]: put this on my blog?
[15:58]: PLEASE?
[15:58]: :P
[15:58]: who knows a guy who doesnt mind having nano silver pumped into him may JUST read my blog
[15:58]: hurhurhur
ms. xy [15:59]: funny
[15:59]: since he doesnt mind nano silver....
ms. xy [15:59]: i'm not really a fan of nano-silver
[15:59]: he'd prolly won't mind cosmetic surgery if he ain't cute enough :P
[15:59]: and he just MIGHT be ur bionic man
ms. xy [15:59]: but its anti-microbial properties will hav to do
[15:59]: :P
ms. xy [15:59]: funny
[15:59]: tea tree oil? :P
[15:59]: garlic??
[15:59]: :D
ms. xy [15:59]: no too organic
[15:59]: LOL
[16:00]: nano silver it is then
[16:00]: :P

Yes, I've asked her permission to post this up. She wants royalties. I figured if we get to marry her off, I should be getting royalties instead :P and yes, I forgot to mention. She bad at spelling :P

Songs from my childhood: I see the moon... and the moon sees me

I said I wanted an herb garden... and he thought I had said I wanted a rose garden.

Which brought me back to a song my mother liked to sing to me when she was making her delicious dinners in the kitchen. I can't remember all the lyrics, but some of the melody. I do remember this, though:

I beg your pardon...
I never promised you a rose garden..
Along with the sunshine..
You gotta have a little rain sometime...

And as usual with my memory by association, I moved on to:

10 green bottles, hanging on the wall,
10 green bottles, hanging on the wall,
and if one green bottle,
should accidentally faaaalllllllll...........
there'd be 9 green bottles hanging on the wall...

:P great way to teach kiddies subtraction... I remember we used to sing nursery rhymes and children's songs in primary school too. LOL! Malay AND English..

How about: Burung kakak tua... (can't remember the rest :P)

Then, moving on to one of my faves. Mom used to sing this to me when we went on moonlit walks together around the neighbourhood. I had only remembered the first few lines, and as usual, being obsessive-compulsive, had to find out the rest. Here's the version I remembered:

I see the moon and the moon sees me
Down thru the leaves of the old oak tree,
Please let the light that shines on me
Shine on the one I love.

Chorus:
Over the mountains and over the sea
Back where my heart is yearning to be
Please let the light that shines on me
Shine on the one I love.

I hear the lark and the lark hears me
Singing a song with a memory
Please let the lark that sings to me
Sing to the one I love.

Repeat chorus

I kiss the rose and the rose kisses me
Fragrant as only a rose can be
Please take the kiss that comforts me
Back to the one I love.

Repeat chorus

I see the moon and the moon sees me
The moon sees the one that I long to see
God bless the moon and God bless me
God bless the one I long to see.

Repeat chorus

I do believe that God up above
Created you for me to love
He picked you out from all the rest
Because he knew I'd love you best.

Repeat chorus

If I get to heaven and you're not there
I'll write your name on a golden stair
I'll write it big so all the angels see
Just how very much you mean to me.

My parents were great with nursery rhymes and children's songs.

How can I say no?!

If it's raining Regency men like these.... how can I say no?! And yeah, Brit actors over American any day.... how to compare? Alan Rickman, Sean Connery, Colin Firth, Jude Law, Clive Owen? Yuummmmmm.....

Request for Petition

I'm calling all Malaysians, within AND with-out of this country, to please sign this petition.

Let's be a people of action, and not just of hot air.

I know I've left my blog unattended/ neglected from time to time, and perhaps not many readers are left from the old days on LiveJournal, or 2005, but for the love of God and country, whichever of you still reads this, I hope you're no longer apathetic to the state of this country. Every person counts, every vote matters, every signature plays a part.

Therefore, I urge you to sign this petition. I have.

Thanks very much!

http://www.petitiononline.com/6ai18u26/petition.html

The Skywalker

Congratulations on your physical and moral victory, Anwarkin Skywalker... I believe it is long due.

It's been raining the past week or so, probably symbolic in cleansing away the dirty hate and favouritism of this country.

While this morning, the warm sunshine fills this land, and we awake to the smell of fresh air, morning dew and warm sunshine. Let's hope this is an omen of better things to come under your care.

Well, the Sky is your limit now. We, as a People have allowed you to walk the skies in your victory.

We're drunk on your promise of One People, One Nation.

Your passionate cry of: "Anak Melayu, anak kita; Anak Cina, anak kita; Anak India, pun anak kita. Mengapa harus kita bezakan?" rings in our ears long after it's gone. It has moved us- to tears and to action.

Your words are to us, of almost equal significance and importance as Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" to African-Americans of the States.

And so, I can only hope that you deliver on your promises for change.

After 50 years of continuing regression into racial segregation, we're hoping that after our Golden Jubilee as a Nation, we'd be able to start mending the rifts. And so, we, as a new generation, have decided to vote for change.

And thus, we hand you our hopes, our happiness, our livelihood and our country on not just a silver platter, but a golden platter, exactly a decade after your fall from grace, and right before we begin the next 50 years chapter of our country.

We can only hope Anwarkin Skywalker does not turn into Darth Vader and leave a melee of destruction in his wake: just because he can.

My Empire of Dirt

Sunday, 24.08.2008. 0204 hours

My Empire of Dirt

Why do I sometimes despair so?

K asked me out tonight, and I just couldn't say no, tired as I was, lacking sleep as I was, imploding as I was.

The four walls were stifling me. We hadn't talked for awhile, and I just had to get things off my chest. Things I could tell only a handful of people. Things I just couldn't tell you or it'd send us both hurtling into a hopeless spiralling melange of emotions. And when things can't be solved face to face, we'd end up both lying in bed thinking wtf.

Well, I know I do.

The bad dreams do not help either. It's not just insecurity I feel. It's insecurity tinged with a certain amount of resignation.

I try to push all of these aside, but when figures of the past come out of the woodwork and stand tall, I can only feel so small.

Is this delirium?

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears

You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

~excerpt: Nine Inch Nails- Hurt~

Sigh...

Everytime I see you falling....

It's been a long long time since I felt like this. Well, maybe not that long. A year, perhaps?

I feel like turning off my phone, rid myself of all communication, take a long long drive somewhere away from people and just watch the sea. Or the mountains. Or the rivers.

Maybe even take a flight back to my hometown, just to sleep in my own bed. And watch the rambutan tree outside, with the carefree birds chirping in it. But then again, my parents would question me.

And what is there for me to say?

I feel sad. And torn. I wonder why so many things elude me. And opening up the gates to past experiences also mean reopening old wounds. And the resignation that comes with it.

And not being able to speak out about things that matter to the one that matters just adds to the resignation that I may have to choose solitude after all.

It's been raining more on than off for the past 2 days. Most days I love the rain. I do too, today. But it's also not helping with the mood. The heavy rain just feels like sorrow.

Spoke to spuddie the other day. And it felt good to talk to someone who understands without having to say much. Perhaps because it's been there done that for spud.

Sigh.

Why can't things be just a little simpler? For once? Too many trials by fire would have one combust sooner or later.

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

New Order -- Bizarre Love Triangle

Don't ask me why but I've always loved this song.

It's been so long since I've last blogged... well, long for me, at least. Had quite a few things to write about, but never did find the time.

I had intention to write about the Permatang Pauh by-election, but after reading this man's blog, I figured, I'd just endorse it here :)

Read, and be moved. For a country that has roots in constitutional monarchy, we should probably be proclaiming: Le Roi, La Loi, La Liberte!

But being an idealist, I much prefer Dupont's words in Revue Republicaine: "Any man aspires to liberty, to equality, but he can not achieve it without the assistance of other men, without fraternity"

So here's Haris Ibrahim's 'Dear Anwar'

BY HARIS IBRAHIM (http://harismibrahim.wordpress.com/2008/08/18/dear-anwar/)


Dear Anwar.


I write to you as one anak Bangsa Malaysia to another.

My friends and I were pleased to read in the Malaysiakini report of 14th August that you have forgiven your enemies for what they have done to you over the last ten years, but that you will never forget what they have done to you.

It is good that you have found it in your heart to forgive them, for otherwise you will end up bitter and vindictive like a certain 'past the shelf-life' politician who just simply refuses to fade away.

No, you don't want to carry bitterness within you.

And indeed you must never forget, for it is the remembrance of what you have gone through that will serve you well in two ways.

One, to never do to others or allow to be done by others what has been inflicted upon you.

Two, so that you will not allow those who have wronged you the opportunity to do again what they have done to you before.

My sister, I like Chopin, has asked me to tell you that she has forgiven you your 16 years of involvement, at least by association and failure to dissociate, with the autocratic, dictatorial, corrupt Mahathir administration.

Yes, most of my friends and I, like my sister, have long forgiven you for your involvement in the atrocities committed by Mahathir during his reign of destruction and pillage, even if only by association and your failure to dissociate with his regime.

But like you, we, too, have not forgotten.

Just as remembrance will serve you well, so too us.

Will we ever forget?

I cannot speak for the others, but for me, I think that is really up to you.

Before I proceed further, so as to lessen the hurt, if any, of what I am about to say, let me first say that whilst I have the highest regard for YB Lim Kit Siang and YB Lim Guan Eng, yet in the matter of the politics and governance of this nation, I do not trust them implicitly and without question, because they are politicians and 50 years of BN politics has delivered a hard and painful lesson to many of us.

Don't trust politicians completely.

Many times last year, I wrote in this blog that I wished you would give me a reason to trust you.

Whilst I have to be frank and tell you that I still do not trust you, three things have persuaded me to 'take a chance'.

First, and this is the only rational factor of the three, this nation needs to be rid of the racist, divide and rule politics of BN. UMNO will not change, and the other component parties have shown themselves to be helplessly subservient to UMNO.

You and your party leaders, together with the leaders of DAP, have been taking policy positions or making policy statements that, by far and large, seem to be in line with the aspirations of the people.

I say 'seem' because much still remains to be seen.

I had actually wanted to say all the Pakatan leaders but, truly, PAS has been giving us some serious concerns of late.

The second and the third factors are, in truth, 'gut' reactions.

Raja Petra wrote a series to remind us of the Royal Commission of Inquiry into your 'black eye' beating at the hands of the former IGP.

My eyes teared when I read your testimony about the beating you received and the day after, the condition you were in, and the refusal by the police to afford you treatment.

Yes, I still think you owe the nation an apology for your 16 years in the Mahathir administration.

We, too, as a nation, though, owe you and your family an apology, for all that you and your family have been through these last 10 years.

I am sorry.

Then, on 5th August, I heard you deliver your ceramah in Bentong, Pahang.

I have attended many of your ceramah but, quite frankly, this was the first time that I heard you speak with humility, particularly your appeal to any who might feel inclined to go to Permatang Pauh to help in your election campaign.

What particularly touched me and my family who were present, something that has also got the mention of G. Krishnan in his blog today, was when you said :

"Anak Melayu, anak kita, anak Cina anak kita, anak India, pun anak kita. Mengapa harus kita bezakan?"

Succinctly, you had articulated that which I have felt for such a long, long time and which, without more, sums up the spirit of anak Bangsa Malaysia that I hope one day will be definitive of us as a people of this nation.

It is this last matter that I have mentioned, irrational as it may seem to many, that has most moved me to 'take a chance'.

A word of advice.

Don't make the mistakes of Pak Lah.

You have made us many pledges and promises.

I quote you from the Malaysiakini report mentioned above :

"But how do you run a government and affect changes, move forward - we need a new Malaysian awareness, we need unity of all races, we need a new vibrant economy, we need to reform the judiciary and bring back confidence in a more professional police force - if you get yourself engrossed with the past?…If it (involves) 2,000 acres and two billion ringgit - it's just not my right to forgive, they have to return the money. But otherwise, we cannot afford to drag the entire country back to the past."

Keep your promises to us.

Where we can recover the nation's wealth that has been stolen, we must.

You must not do favours for anyone from the past by interfering with our law enforcement authorities.

Restore what is rightfully due to the rakyat.

On Black 14, I heard you use the phrase 'Ketuanan Rakyat' for the first time.

Do not waver from this.

End race politics.

End the politicisation of Islam.

You must be brave enough to tell the Malays that this country belongs to all the anak-anak Bangsa Malaysia, to remind the Malays again and again that UMNO's ketuanan Melayu is unIslamic and has been their evil tool to enrich themselves and divide this nation.

Do this, and be assured of the strongest support from the majority of anak-anak Bangsa Malaysia who, by far and large, are decent people.

In the run-up to the 12th GE, the rakyat launched an aspirational document called the 'People's Declaration'.

All the Pakatan parties, including yours, indorsed this document.

We took your indorsement seriously and for that reason went all out to work to get the votes for the Barisan Rakyat parties at the last general election.

We will hold you to that indorsement.

A final reminder.

The rakyat today are not like that of 16 years ago.

We understand national issues better, we are better informed, and we have a greater sense of commitment to the ideals of justice and equality.

And we have a newly found self-belief to pursue these ideals and to pursue change.

Understand and remember that we are no longer afraid.

We fully understand today that governance of this nation was intended to be in the hands of the people, and that when you and your party leaders offer to govern, it is with a view to serve us.

Therefore, understand and remember that it is we, the rakyat, who govern through those who have taken oath to serve us.

It is only by abiding by that oath that you might honourably be called a leader of men.

Any less and you would have proven yourself to be no better than those whom you now endeavour to displace.

In the run-up to polling day on the 26th, my friends and I will be in Permatang Pauh to help you in any way we can.

By God's Grace, you will soon be returned to Parliament. May He also continue to bestow you with wisdom and courage to discharge you duties faithfully.

Posted by Haris Ibrahim Filed in Taking back our country

this is from 101 things every man should know how to do

... and it's fucking funny.

don't ask me why, but i'm one of those chicks who reads guys mags and books written for men and am very entertained by them. although, i also read trashy romance novels that has lines like: as he parted her lips with gentle precision, tenderly licking their tender, moist parting back and forth with firm, gentle strokes, determined to get into her inner sanctum, she moaned and whimpered softly, melting and yielding to his expert caresses.

yep, i just made that one up :P maybe next time i'll write a 12 page long one on just french kissing alone. just for fucks :P

anyway, here goes. laugh out loud. this IS funny, k? i wish i coulda printed this list and put it on the table of someone i formerly worked for who was insufferable, though. he could do with a lesson (or a dozen) on how to impress women. 'nuff said. :D

15 Ways to Your Woman's Heart....and Bed
Author: teresa1699
Word count: 832
Note: These are not in any particular order of importance.

1. Power tools are your friends. So is your woman's vibrator. Do not be intimidated if she knows more about both than you do.

2. Speak more than one language. Note to all men: Sports lingo does not qualify as a second language.

3. Laundry: Do not underestimate the sexiness of a man who can speak eloquently about Tide vs. All. Show me a man who can sort, wash , fold and put away in the correct locations and I will show you a man who gets laid , a lot.

4. Trim that hair (and we are not talking about facial hair). Back hair is a no-no. If we want to see Darwin's missing link in action, we will visit the Museum of Natural History. Trimming your nether regions is highly recommended. We don't like hair in our teeth either.

5. Autos: There is something undeniably sexy about a man who knows his way around an engine. Maybe it's the attention to detail , maybe it's a great ass bent over a hood of a car, whatever the appeal, a man that knows cars seems like he wouldn't mind spending a little extra time under your, um..... hood.

6. We do not want to be your mother. Especially if we have children with you. We want an equal partnership. We understand that it varies day to day on who does more. As long as the balance shifts in an appreciable way, we are happy. We hate to nag, really. Yes, we like to take care of you, we also like to have sex with you. (If this reminds you of your mother, I can recommend a great book. It's got this guy named Oedipus in it.)

7. Know how to give a massage: A massage should not just be foreplay. A massage is one of the most singly unselfish acts that a person can do for another. Granted, massage can lead to great sex because knowing that your partner is doing something solely for your benefit can be a turn-on and we just might feel like reciprocating.

8. Kids: How to narrow this down. First and foremost, you do not babysit your children. I have heard countless dads say that they are babysitting their kids. Have you ever heard a woman spew this nonsense? Second, diaper changing is not the sole domain of mothers. There is not a female gene that makes cleaning up poop any more palatable to us than to a male. Thirdly, with older children, cereal and chicken fingers are not a food group. Know how to feed your kids healthy stuff.

9. Guns: Owning one is a personal choice, but there is a reason Bruce Willis is still popular. A man that knows how to handle a gun seems in control and that he could keep you safe if need be. And deep down, women like men who kick the bad guy's ass.

10. Bugs: Killing bugs is a man's job. Period. We might even let you skip doing the dishes tonight if you will just kill whatever is scurrying across the floor, because while we might be able to handle the frogs, killing a cockroach and picking up its squirming body is just too much.

11. Gifts: Pick your own. Your secretary is not sleeping with your wife, has not watched her push something the size of a cantalope out of something the size of a kumquat when your firstborn came into the world, so why is she deciding what to get your wife? In theory, you should know us better than anyone else. We will be happy with almost anything you pick out for us, but stay away from appliances. Unless we have specifically asked for a vacuum, don't bring home a Dyson, because that vacuum will the the only sucking action going on in your house for weeks to come.

12. Directions: Why is it such a hardship for men to ask for directions? Are you scared of looking stupid in front of us? I guarantee that driving around lost for hours and refusing to ask for help is what makes you look an imbecile.

13. Tits: Know how to tell fake ones from real ones. What is the appeal of silicone boobs anyway? Imagine if men had silicone penises. Wouldn't the guy with the real 10 inch penis feel a little irritated that the fake penis was getting all the attention? We kind of feel the same way when it comes to boobs.

14. Cooking/Food/Wine: Food is a very sensual thing in a lot of ways. It involves all your senses, from the presentation to the scent to the texture of the meal. A man who can cook or appreciates good wine and a good meal is someone who likes to engage all their senses and that is a very good thing in bed.

15. Know your limitations: Every man has a talent. It could be dancing, it could be taxidermy, it could be cooking. If you aren't good at something, don't pretend to be. If you can't dance or sing , a career on Broadway is probably out. Be confident in your abilities but not arrogant in your limitations. Besides I can't remember ever seeing a tap-dancing taxidermist on Hell's Kitchen , can you?

strange happenings and appetite

what do i want to say here today?

lots apparently, except there's just too much to pen down.

it's been terribly busy at work, and things seem to be falling apart at the seams.

saturday night/ sunday morning was just downright freaky. and the terror seemed so palpably real. feeling like i got paralysed from the waist down on sunday afternoon felt all the more frightening.

i'm left wondering: what the hell is going on? and i have absolutely no answers.

thank god for the moments in between of meeting up with some friends to cheer me up.

at least the wedding was fun. and it was good to see hilarious self-deprecating penangites again. that kinda humour is rather rare in this big bad city. the longer one stays here, it seems the crueler one's sense of humour... or one loses it altogether. being down to earth is part art and part science, apparently.

he dropped me a bomb too. apparently i'm supposed to cook come october. yes, anyone of u who reads this and knows who i'm talking about, feel free to abuse him if you see him. :P i'm panicking here!!!!! i haven't cooked properly in at least 2 years, since the older brother left for penang. and that dish is freaking tedious! gah!

over the past one week, i've been told i inhaled my food three times. and i was introduced to new people three times by the title i believe i'm gonna be stuck with for a long long time. comments made over the week over my appetite:

Sunday, after church, to a friend's niece's newest toyboy:
she vacuums her food up... watch her go.. go... goooo!!!!
Reaction of poor fella: *inches away slowly from me*

*sniffs... i ho hurts ar!*

Tuesday, after trekking up to an area i detest to help a friend haggle over prices cos she can't bloody bargain even if her life depended on it, and she was inclined to buy me dinner as a result... trust me, the foochow side of her was definitely cringing in pure horror just to make that offer.

Over dinner, after i begged to order the large plate cos i was so darn hungry, and i've gone through more than half of it, while she barely reached one-third of hers:
did you just fucking inhale your food?! *very loudly*

my reaction: O.O I'm HUNGRYYYY!!!!

Thursday, when the pipe-cleaner-soap-picker came back from some godforsaken corner of the universe and asked us out for yumchar... and i ordered a plate of nasi lemak cos it was 9pm and i haven't had dinner:
wahhhhh!!!!! you breathe in your food ar!!!!
in front of complete strangers to boot.... after making certain 18SX comments about what transpired when they picked me up.

my reaction: O.O I'm HUNGRRRRYYYYYY!!!!! NO, you're NOT touching my ikan bilis!!!! RAWR!!! (:P) and shut up already! i don't know these ppl!!!!

*sniffs* who needs enemies with friends like these?

Sunday, after meeting a bunch of CGL girls... for the first time, apart from long-haired Serani chick. the girls went out for a nicotine break, leaving just me, and two others at the table. the roasted chicken dish came, and it tasted bloody good... when they came back, the girl sitting next to me demanded:
did you finish the whole chicken by yourself?!

my reaction: *gulps* NO!! there! there's half a chicken there!

so you finished HALF a chicken by yourself?

my reaction: errrrr...... there's half a chicken for you stilll........

:P i think i got my appetite back..... aiyooo... c'mon.... i was on porridge and plain food for the past 3 weeks......

:D it's nice to get my appetite back.... AND FUCK YOU ALL LAAAA... SO I LOVE MY FOOD :P

Kate & Leopold: The Myth and The Rainbow

I watched Kate and Leopold again.

Now I need to go Clorox me bwains.

And it's bittersweet. Because life's like that.... without the fairytale ending.

Meg Ryan, is, as usual, the queen of romantic comedies.

Here however, is the funniest thing I remembered from the movie:

Roebling: Behold, rising before you, the greatest erection on the continent... the greatest erection of the age... the greatest erection on the planet!

:P

And this, is cool:
Roebling: Time. Time, it has been proposed, is the fourth dimension. And yet, for mortal man, time has no dimension at all. We are like horses with blinders, seeing only what lies before us. Forever guessing the future and fabricating the past.

But oh.. it's supposed to be romantic, so here is some mushymushy stuff:

On the sadness of The Myth:
Kate: I'm not very good with men.
Leopold: Perhaps you haven't found the right one.
Kate: Maybe. Or, uh... maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.

*sniffs sniffs* I can so identify.....

On finding The Rainbow:
Kate: And... it's a great thing to get what you want. It's a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted... because what you really wanted you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking- they just knew... like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you... but you hesitated and I... uh... I have to go... I'm sorry but... I have to go!

Bah.... :P I need to go rest my eyes... after lusting after the very suave, very handsome, totally screwable, men-arent-made-like-this-anymore Hugh Jackman.

Lonely In Gorgeous

At twelve I run out
And kick the door
My glass shoe breaks
And my dress has ripped

You're disgusted, aren't you?
You don't even come after me
My tears overflow and I can't run anymore

This might be jealousy...it's sad...!!

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night...I'm Breaking my heart
I want you to find me right now and hold me tight

The headlights shine
...where are you Bad boy?
Wipe away my tears with the scarf of love
I can't see anything

I want to gather stardust
And throw it at you
Why do you even bother?
You only love yourself...

This might be a lost love...are you serious...?!

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party time...I can't bury it
When you aren't here the world is empty

I want to see the next part of my dream
"I miss you Bad boy"
Don't lock me up inside excitement
I'll break

"Lonely in Gorgeous"
I'm Breaking my heart
Where are you Bad boy?
"Lonely in Party night"

"Lonely in Gorgeous"
I'm Breaking my heart
I miss you Bad boy
"Lonely in Party time"

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night...I can't smile
I don't need anything just be by my side

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night
I'm Breaking my heart
Inside of the box of excitement that you gave me
I hold on to my loneliness and I can't move
I don't need anything just be by my side
Kneel and look at me
And swear that you love me

Tommy February6's Lonely In Gorgeous, Paradise Kiss (English)

indecision

i know i can be flighty.

so many things i wanna say, but can't.

commitment. i know i've a phobia to that.

it stems from a certain fear of boredom. it stems from insecurity.

now, i've more or less made more commitments with my life.

except probably the hardest step i can ever take.

but the thing is: am i just a place to lay?

when i'm old and grey and fat, will i still have the allure?

it has a hold, that kinda intimacy, especially for you.

when i can no longer give you that, will you seek it elsewhere?

sure you might never really leave, but would you really be there?

or would you pull a Kennedy?

i need emotional security. i'd rather be alone than be unhappy or insecure.

and for you to ask for such a huge thing: would you be here when the going gets rough and tough? when things go sour, would you stay and work it through with me?

i'm tired of running, but i'm not sure walking's the right thing.


If you looking for a girl that’ll treat you right
If you lookin’ for her in the day time with the light

You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand
I'll be the first to admit it, I’m curious about you, you seem so innocent

You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
Boy I’m tired of running, lets walk for a minute

-Nelly Furtado's Promiscuous Girl-

ohmigod-what crap

i'll be honest.

i haven't been following the news lately. for the past two months, it's been work work work work work...

but the current repeat of the scenario first brought about a decade ago is making me wanna puke.

don't this lao tu kia's know that old MO's no longer work? especially when they've already lost so much support in march.

for fuck's sakes... these are deeply personal attacks now.

and if, a decade ago, people would take to the streets against a big man who hold's about 90% power.... what is a little frail man who is barely teetering on the edge of power thinking of using the same old rules now?

seriously... i really do think we should be kicking these old rats out. it's time we left them to the vultures. let's see what happens when they try a dose of their own medicine.

and to think i had a dream of this last week. >.<

Mortality

A friend of mine from Form 6 passed away last Friday. I was texted this morning that his body will be flown back to hometown today.

Imagine my shock waking up first thing in the morning to a text like that.

I have fond memories of my days in Form 6. Granted, academically, I could have done so much better because I was technically rebelling in my own way, but I had some of the best moments of my life then. Thanks to people like CHH.

He was, by the standards of the time, a rich boy. Not filthy rich like we were accustomed to, coming from one of the elitist 'public-aided' schools, but he was rich. Drove a sports car to school. But if one spoke to him, he had no pretenses of the rich, and was a very nice guy, albeit in the typically Hokkien ah beng guy way.

We were both in the Interact club committee together, and after meetings the entire committee would head off for drinks and snacks before going home. (And drinks and snacks also include at least an hour at the nearest cybercafe playing CS :P) And since I didn't have a car, on some days he'd be the one dropping me off as he lived closer to I did than the other guys. So we'd get in and he'd tell me to strap up because he was going to be speeding. And he did. Hitting above 100kmh regularly. Which by hometown standards was crazy because people there drive at an average of 40-80 kmh tops. 80kmh was FAST.

But hey, he had a sports car and he was a very good driver, so I just sat back and watched the trees and houses and shops swoosh past me as we cracked jokes in the car. Then when he had a girlfriend and we'd troop off into the car together, she'd yell at him for driving so fast at times.

He was a nice guy. Ever generous, ever friendly and ever ready to lend a hand. I suppose it's no surprise that he went off to another state to help his father in his business after he had worked on his own for many years and he passed away doing so. It's just so sad that he left this world so early. He was in the prime of his life and had so much more to look forward to. To pass away in some freak trucking accident from internal injuries incurred during such an accident seems like such a waste and I'm deeply saddened to hear of this, even though we haven't really kept in touch for years.

And here we all are, in our twenties, working our asses off at our respective jobs, thinking, in a way, we're immortal. Thinking there's the promotion and the promotion after that, and marriage and children, and old age to look forward to. Thinking we're gonna live forever. Until a friend passes away. When we thought we would live forever. And it's a slap in the face.

Life goes on, as always. Once the dust is settled on the grave.

But memories linger. And those memories live in the hearts of friends who remembers a life well-lived.

Life is meant to be well-lived. There's more to it than that job, and that house, and that million bucks in the bank. Who's gonna enjoy all that if one dies at 30?

Write a will. Live life to the fullest. Learn from mistakes and regret nothing. Love like there's no tomorrow. Hope like we'll live forever.

Here's to CHH: I hope you have no regrets. Rest in peace. We'll remember you fondly.

the post on verk-full time shit cleaner, part time ******-er.

forewarned is forearmed.

I AM GOING TO BITCH.

there's been wayyyy too much things to bitch about of late, but i just hadn't had the time to.

so tonight, i will just bitch about work.

close friends would know i've got a new job. same line. bigger company. and yeah, i can see myself working here for awhile despite the heavy workload, and considering it's a bigger company, the chances for shitty office politics would be exponential to the size of the company. that's the formula that every fresh grad should've been armed with after leaving university.

but when i went for the interview, i took the offer because:

1. i could feel the winds of change starting to sweep the company. with some tenacity, i would be able to ride that wave. it was the same feeling i had in january 2008 even before the old company ran one of their infamous surveys.

2. this year would be MY year. FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE. if i KNOW i can, i WILL. i can't keep rolling around in life being unsure of who i am and what i want.

3. i happen to LIKE this work. it stresses me out, but it also makes me feel vital and alive.

4. i've had really sucky bosses. remember the one who was sexually frustrated and deprived? yep. too bad he paid my wages. i'd have ground him to smithereens otherwise. the things i said to people i used to date... i swear you don't wanna know. i've also had crazy insecure supervisors. it totally kills whatever motivation and/or passion and/or creativity you have. but at the interview, i sensed that this director may throw me over the deep end and just watch while i sink or swim, and would never take the initiative to guide me, but she would if i asked for help. and she would never hamper my desire for growth. and that's how i work best. and this is one of the main reasons i took this job.

5. for some strange reason.... good things come to me when i least expect it. or look for it. so from what i've gone through... i've learnt to trust the cosmic powers that push things into my lap, and never shoot the goose (that bore the egg) or look a gift horse in the mouth.


so what is it i wanna bitch about? yeah, office politics. surprise surprise.... thank god this is a colleague, and not a boss. if it were a superior, i'd pack my bags and leave. no point staying at a dead-end job.

this is WAR.

what did she do to piss me off majorly?

1. manage a project terribly, and steal me when i'm not brought in for her job.

2. throw a shitty project in my lap halfway through without a proper briefing and expect me to clean up shit.

3. never really answers questions on HER job when i ask her for explanations (remember i was barely briefed, and do not have all the materials) but sends me a really lovely email instead.

4. doesn't provide full information on what needs to be done, and expects me to take the fire on her behalf from the boss and the client on HER incompetency.

5. bitches about me behind my back when the boss tells her off about how badly she handled the project

6. bitches to everyone behind my back when i was complimented for cleaning up her shit well and was rewarded for it.

7. ignores me completely unless it's to do with work ever since.

seriously, i'm obsessive-compulsive, takes pride in what i do because i hardly have a life, and i consider my work an extension of myself, and yes, in some things, i'm a downright perfectionist. so what was she expecting... for me to screw up big time? just cos i'm new and entered a junior in comparison, doesn't mean i've never worked before and would allow myself to be pushed around.

oh yes, i keep quiet and don't say anything. but that's only because i'm no fool. never reveal all your cards until you've found out enough to know which card to pull for whom. fuck you if you think i'm sneaky. i've learnt this lesson the VERY hard way. life has thrown me too many curveballs for me to not take life's lessons seriously.

i may be a hard-head, but i ain't no fool.

i'm no apple-polisher, either, and right now, i just zone out when she starts being nasty... but i have a temper, a nasty one at that, and when i lose it, you won't want to be even a spectator. besides, the director didn't get to be a director by being an idiot. she knows who works and who doesn't.

so i'll just bide my time and wait for karma to come around on my behalf.

**

on another note, i really miss my old friends. we had a mini chat room the other day over messenger. and damn, how far we've come. how far more we have to go. and how the same roots still bind us.

i miss you girls. singapore, sarawak, japan, london, america. there is no glass ceiling. the only limitations we would ever have are the ones we impose on ourselves. we can go anywhere and do anything and reach any height if we wanted it badly enough. we are great like that :) we're fine wine. the real deal. we were gutsy girls and now we're gutsy women.

cheers! 10 years out of school. we did pretty well for ourselves :)