Every Creature's Prayer :P

i have a thing for fantasy art... they kinda take me into another world. it's liberating, and stress-relieving. :P yes yes. i is weird.

here's something i found on the net while browsing for stress-relief. some of you may like this. i, on the other hand, feel a weird connection, so i saved it :P

and here's a poem/prayer i kinda hijacked randomly from the net and modified:

As I trudge along this weary path,
My spirit constantly battered and bruised,
My feelings low and dismal.

Make me strong in spirit,
Courageous in action,
Stalwart at heart.

Let me act in wisdom,
Conquer my fear and doubt,
Discover my own hidden gifts.

May I turn what now seems negative,
into positive light and energy.

May I be a beacon for others,
As we share this life in all its drudgery.

May my feet be so firmly placed on the path,
that no boulder is too high,
nor crevasse too deep for me to conquer.

Finally, give me joy in my destiny,
confidence in my spiritual heritage,
and joy in the striving and the doing.

~ inspired by a prayer from Abby Willowroot

Cannonball

as i'm considering new career options.... and a friend asks me what is it i look for, i realise, i'm a builder.

i want things i can build with. in my mind, with my hands. i grow as i grow other things too.

destroy and build. build on artifacts. use artifacts for building.

i'm a builder. somedays i really think that sucks.

i was walking around waiting for a friend on Saturday... and a song i haven't heard for at least a year came on. my favourite among damien rice's, btw.

funny. mr rice always had the capability to make me look at myself and cry.

and the phone rings. and it just seems so apt. sometimes irony is so thick u wonder if u're living a play.


there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
still I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage, teach me to be shy
'cos its not hard to fall,

and I don't want to scare her
its not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
its not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know
don't know....

~damien rice's cannonball~

An Entire Generation of Love Children :P

Wednesday, 23 January 2008. 1608 hours.

Can u believe it's 3 weeks into 2008 already?

It's a wonderful Wednesday, and it's wonderful cos it's a holiday :P

AND my cranky computer decided to be nice today and allow me to type. The 8, i, k, and ',' disappears when he feels like it. :( MEN. :P But he been good boyfriend for 6 years already. Good Boy. :)

WHO SAYS I'M TEMPERAMENTAL? My computer is even more so. BLEK.

So I slept till a wonderful 11am today and wanted to go for a massage. Then I remembered my ankle is still swollen. CRAP. I'd be screaming when the 80+ yr old Indo woman starts massaging. If I have a bruise, it'd hurt worst than breaking a hymen. DAMMIT.

So I clean room today. Well, I TRY :P

Heh. :P Well, I'm cleaning out the files in my computer. Some. :P And I discovered some songs I haven't played for years.

Like an entire album of Barry White. Mmmm Mmmmm :P Nice. Now if only it were night and raining :D Make that a thunderstorm. I swear the man is personally responsible for at least an entire generation of love children. HAHAHA....

I wanna go home. Gah...

I need part-time data entry clerks. :( Who's free, gimme a call. The more the merrier. I can go home, then :D

p/s: WOMEN CAN EJACULATE!! Coolios :P

Listening to: "i'm your midnight angel, i'm a freak, ooohhhh yeaaahhhhh.... i'm a freak of nature" ;) Anastacia is kick ass!

updated:

I CLEANED MY ROOM!! WOOHOOOO!! and the bathroom. and did my laundry by hand. wasn't i such an angel yesterday? didn't eat though. odd. didn't eat the whole day.

On a Detox?

my body talks to me.

no, i'm serious.

i just realised today, that i've been on a vegetarian diet for the past 3 days or so.

now if you know me well, you'd know that i am a crazy meat-eater. i get sodium and protein cravings in the middle of the night when others get sugar cravings.

i'd die if i can't have my beef, and my mutton, and my pork. i rarely touch chicken nowadays, by the way. UPM put me off chicken almost entirely. except roast chicken. a well-roasted chicken is a feast :P

i think of what to eat tomorrow before i go to sleep at night. i know. other people wonder what to wear.... i wonder what to eat :P

so it was to my own shock that i suddenly realised over lunch today, that i've been eating vegetables, and no meat for the past 3 days.

it's like my body is telling me to detox on it's own. too much cake. too much dairy. too much protein. need spring-cleaning. head for the vegetables. keep away from the meat.

maybe it knows it's getting too plumpy :P

Wow... Interesting Case of Leukaemia

The twins who unlocked the secrets of leukaemia

British girls are behind dramatic breakthrough in medicine

By Steve Connor, Science Editor

Published: 18 January 2008

A study of two identical twin girls has led to a new understanding of the causes of childhood leukaemia and could revolutionise the treatment – and possibly prevention – of the potentially lethal disease. The detailed investigation of the two British girls has, for the first time, enabled medical researchers to track down the source of the cancerous stem cells in the blood that can lead to leukaemia in the first few years of life.

Olivia and Isabella Murphy, aged four, from Bromley in Kent, have provided science with an astonishing insight into the nature of leukaemia because of the highly unusual situation where both of them are at risk of the disease but only Olivia developed it.

Scientists believe the findings will enable them to develop better treatments with fewer and less serious side effects. It could also help in the search for the ultimate cause of the condition, which is newly diagnosed in 500 children each year in Britain.

Olivia and Isabella share the same genetic mutation to the blood-forming cells of the bone marrow, which must have occurred during their time in the womb because neither of their parents was found to have the same mutation.

However, only Olivia went on to develop leukaemia because she was unfortunate enough to have suffered a second mutation after birth, which triggered the onset of the cancer.

Scientists believe the mutation in the womb – which occurred in one of the foetuses but was passed to the other via circulating blood cells – caused both girls to be born with pre-cancerous stem cells in their blood, which predisposed them to leukaemia.

However, Olivia suffered the critical second mutation after the twins were born. That led to the development of the full-blown blood cancer which had to be treated with chemotherapy drugs that stunted her growth and led to a serious eye infection.

It was that difference between the two girls that enabled the scientists to locate the pre-cancerous stem cells in both children and then to figure out the sequence of genetic mutations.

Isolating the pre-cancerous stem cells from Olivia and Isabella, who will be five next month, could prove pivotal in the further understanding and treatment of childhood leukaemia, said Professor Mel Greaves of the Institute of Cancer Research in Sutton, Surrey.

"We suspect that these cells can escape conventional chemotherapy and cause relapse during or after treatment. These are the cells that dictate disease course and provide the bull's eye to target with new therapies," he said.

Olivia has successfully undergone treatment for leukaemia and is in remission. However, she is blind in one eye caused by an infection after her time on chemotherapy, which affected her immune system.

Her mother, Sarah, 35, said Olivia's treatment had affected her growth and her hair had become curly, but it had at least cleared many of the pre-cancerous blood cells identified by the research team.

She said she was worried about Isabella."Olivia is almost clear but ... Isabella still has a long way to go. They said the cells might die off naturally but obviously it is something which is hanging over us," Mrs Murphy said.

"It is quite hard but we have always tried to remain positive, although that is easy to say. It would be very hard to have to get through it twice but we are trying not to think about it too much."

Professor Greaves, whose study with Professor Tariq Enver of the Medical Research Council's Weatherall Institute for Molecular Medicine at Oxford University is published in the journal Science, said the genetic mutation found in the pre-cancerous stem cells of the twins was caused by the merging of two genes known as TEL and AML-1.

When the scientists inserted the hybrid TEL-AML-1 gene into human umbilical cord cells and inserted those mutated cells into mice, the mutated cells became self-renewing with the animals' bone marrow, just like they are in children such as Olivia and Isabella.

"This research means we can now test whether the treatment of acute lymphoblastic leukaemia in children can be correlated with either the disappearance or persistence of the leukaemia stem cells," said Professor Enver of Oxford University. "Our next goal is to target both the pre-leukaemic stem cell and the cancer stem cell itself with new or existing drugs to cure leukaemia while avoiding the debilitating and often harmful side effects of current treatments."

Bruce Morland, a childhood cancer specialist at Birmingham Children's Hospital, said the study brought scientists one step closer to the "holy grail" of identifying leukaemic stem cells.

"By determining the characteristics of the leukaemic stem cells it is ultimately the hope of clinicians that therapies can be specifically targeted to the leukaemia, thus sparing the patient from some of the significant side effects of conventional chemotherapy treatment," he said.

Most common childhood cancer

500 new cases of childhood leukaemia in UK per year

1 in 3 of all cancer cases among children is leukaemia

50 percentage of all cases affecting under-five age group

80% survival rate of commonest form (acute lymphoblastic leukaemia)

55% cure rate for acute myeloid leukaemia (which accounts for 1 in 4 cases)

1 in 10 survival rate in the 1960s

0 survival rate pre-1960s

1.4% rise in in childhood lymphoid leukaemia cases in Europe from 1970 to 1999

45.6 per million number of cases among black children in the US during the 1980s and 1990s

27.8 per million number of cases among white children in the same period

50 per million number of cases among Hispanics living in California

~The Independent, UK~

the hokkien-speaking boys in school would've called this: bin kana pao....

in form 6, the hokkien-speaking boys had a term: bin kana pao (face like pao). it kinda means being in an embarrassing situation... why pao? i don't know. doesn't matter... i found myself in a 'pao moment....'

for the 3rd time in less than 3 years, i fell down in the lrt station... during peak hours.... with a lot of ppl milling about.....

this time.... was a classic, even by my terms... if i may say so myself.

lil ms clumsy... fell down... in a skirt.... u know, those billowy kinds, slightly above the knees. and FLATS. AGAIN... why she always falls in flats, but never heels, she would never know.

she fell... down the ESCALATOR. about 8-10 steps. kedunk duunk duunnnkkk KEH-DUUUUNNNNKKKKK!!!!!

OOOWWWWWWWWWW.......

thank god she had a huge ass to cushion the fall.... too bad the ass wasn't made of steel.

the anatomical casualties: the ankle (now she walks with a slight limp), the calve, the thigh, the butt (cos she landed on it) and the palms (to break her fall).

yes, there were a lot of ppl, no, she did not know if anyone laughed.... cos she limped away as fast as she could as soon as she was able....

she hopes she's hit her quota of the year for embarrassing falls....

a rant worthy to acidify your gawddarn eyes....

here's the thing:

work is a lot like a partner to me. cos both have much in common... therefore, my attitude to both, is pretty much the fucking same.

i spend approximately 70% of my waking hours working. or doing something relating to work. like bloody travelling to and from work.

therefore, i surmise that the job better be fucking worth my fucking time. (fucking as an expletive here, cos dammit, if i were fucking, at least it were pleasurable. niasing....)

so explain to me again, WHY i must enslave my cute ass, and spend 70% of my conscious hours, on something that sends my blood pressure shooting up in a MOST UNdesirable way, and makes the fine blood capillaries on my face and chest burst, therefore causing me to suffer from purpura? WHY?

why should i work for a moron who says he would issue me a letter (when the other colleague was busy on the phone) cos he discovered three bread knives on my desk 2 days before, and i couldn't explain why it was there? (i genuinely don't know!) not because of my performance, he couldn't fault me for that, but because i gave him an inane answer. HELLO? inane answer for inane question, no? and he tells me he wants to find a gf JUST LIKE ME..... PPTTTUUUUIIIIIIII!!!!!!!! AS IF!!! and i'm the Saintly Mother Theresa of Calcutta!!

for me, it's a simple thing. if i'm gonna spend a majority of my time doing something, or with somebody, that thing/ person has bloody got to be worth my time.

70% of every goddamn sacred day of my goddamn life IS A LOT OF TIME SPENT. therefore, if it's not worth it, it means a LOT of TIME WASTED.

like a man (since i'm a hetero female): if like granny, i live to my 80s, therefore, i'd be spending 70% of THE REST OF MY LIFE with someone. he better be worth my time. cos 70% of the REST OF MY LIFE is a LOT OF TIME to spend being disgustingly MISERABLE if he isn't.

so does that answer some ppl's questions on why i was bloody single for sooooo bloody long? the answer is simple: i ain't got no time to waste on fucking morons.

my time is important to me. better have good sex solo than bad sex with a bunch of left-footed monkeys. meaning: i rather do certain things alone than do it with a bunch of time wasters.

i fucking need a new fucking job.

entertaining myself....

had some time to visit blogs today.. well, more like i found me some time :P

and hey, i'm glad i did.

apparently, davi went to italy, and those 'enterprising' italians actually had a calendar of hot priests... e.g. as below. now if my priest looked like that, i don't think i can help it but drag myself out of bed every sunday, even if i had to wake up at 530am. forgive me, Father, i know i be sinful, but ur instrument is too lustworthy :P (sorry, baby, but i know you check out hot chicks too! :P)

i mean, girls, wouldn't you?

i see i have something else to lube my fantasies now... among other things :P

and then.... again from davi.... trace's fave gesture..... in bread form..... ROFLMAO!!

while i've been away.....

was away at a WoW house... where all the comps are always in fully-utilised mode, so i didn't have much of a chance to blog despite my wanting to write about several things.

things are in full swing now that i'm back at work (:() but i still really wanna blog about the horny politician.

so an em-ian minister pulls a clinton.... and is considered a HERO cos he 'apologises' about it in public.... though how it's called an apology is beyond me.

what about it irks me?

statements such as 'she is a PERSONAL FRIEND' (hohoho) and 'unsure whether it was old or new'... right....
and his 'next course of action' has yet to be decided: 'I will think about it after meeting the press.' (and fucking 'em female press ppl silly? they're all personal friends)

and then the police are coming down on those who own/distribute the DVD.... HUH?? it's an offense... right...

here's the thing: if he were an opp leader, he'd be crucified downside up by now. and subject to all forms of verbal and what-not abuse on his character...

and really now, his being recorded fucking a 'personal friend' silly should be ample proof of a lack of moral credibility, and he should step down from politics gracefully.

even Clinton would probably have done so if such proof were circulated around the US of A, in, say, Arkansas.

in all seriousness, my bitterness with the ruling team aside:
i'm not saying it's right to invade one's privacy with recordings and such... it IS. but would there be such a crackdown and hue-and-cry on the invasion of privacy if it were, say, an artiste? or just an ordinary person like you or me? or if it were an opposition leader?

yes, temptations abound. perhaps the marriage has long been dead.... but he is STILL married. is it more right for him to maintain his marriage for the sake of posterity (and because it clouds the eyes of the public, therefore, making it easier to enter politics) and then fuck 'personal friends', or 'not-so-personal friends', rather than get a divorce and fuck 'friends' as a bachelor?

it's one thing to be a single man with a fuckbuddy. quite another to be a married/unavailable man with a fuckbuddy.

if you're a confirmed bachelor/bachelorette who doesn't pretend to want a relationship/emotional entanglement, it's a completely different ballgame than a man or woman who has ties that bind.

yes, he may be a good politician, leader of the people, one who does the duties of his office faithfully. perhaps. but betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust. if he were a good politician, etc. etc. then his error in judgment is one the people of his constituency as well as himself has to pay heavily for. which is very very sad... because in all fairness, he HAS been a good Minister of Health, in my opinion.

but fair is fair. pay for his error he has to. and firstly, he has a lot to make up for. to his wife and children, most of all, if they still mean a lot to him. if his marriage has long been over, then it's perhaps about time he stop the farce and file for divorce. if said 'personal friend' is someone he has long wanted to marry, then do so. it's better than living a lie. and lying to the public.

whether it were just a fling, or an emotional entanglement, is BESIDE THE POINT. it doesn't make his behaviour any more RIGHT. in fact, an emotional entanglement, makes it even sadder. because the poor woman AS WELL AS his poor wife has to suffer in silence for such a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time. how idiot politicians interviewed in the papers (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/1/6/focus/19931882&sec=focus) can make one less 'sinful' than the other just shows how SHALLOW and SUPERFICIAL some people are. and how they hold DOUBLE STANDARDS for different groups of people.

yes, after marriage, you may still meet another man or woman that you fancy. but is it RIGHT to pursue both at the same time? marriage is a CHOICE. it is a COMMITMENT. it means choosing to fuck one vagina or one penis for the rest of your fucking life (pun intended). it means keeping yourself emotionally, mentally and physically LOYAL to ONE PERSON until you die (or the marriage gets dissolved). it means RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY.

like a job: if you're working for someone, you may still find another job that you fancy. should you pursue both at the same time too? certainly not. you WOULD get fired. and you WOULD receive disciplinary action. but in marriage it's ok? shouldn't you suffer the same fate? isn't a person's tie to another person more important than a person's tie to a job? both are COMMITMENTS. why is one less important than another?

in an ordinary citizen, such behaviour is wrong. ordinary people suffer censure for it. in a politician holding office, does that make it OK? certainly not. perhaps we should make all politicians who say stupid things like that step down as well. because i'm deeply ashamed to hear such idiocy coming out of the mouths of our elected MPs.

but in all sarcasm for the ruling team:
perhaps i should join the party too, so i could fuck around with 20 year-old male gigolos at 50 and call them personal friends. and then still arrogantly say that i'm unsure about how old the tape was, just so ppl will think i 'masih bocor' at 50.

seriously. this place is going steadily downhill. it makes me sick.

the self-aggrandizement and egocentricity of emian politics and politicians sickens me. this just epitomises such disgustingly low-life behaviour.

and the datin.... what the fuck? 'trying to pull a hillary?' was the first thing i told the boy when i read the papers.

i swear by God's footstool and by the heavens, if the boy ever pulls a 'datuk CSL' on me, i'd:
a) call the courts on him and get him crucified.
b) empty his savings and make them MINE.
c) tie him up to a chair next to his own bbq pit, build a slow fire, cut up his stomach with a katana (yes, trust me, i know ppl who collects swords as a hobby), pull out his intestines slowly and start slowly roasting it over the slow fire (while he's still alive, yes...) while:
d) getting several HUGE-ASS STEROID-ADDICTED IRON-PUMPERS in gimp-suits to gang-rape his ass..
e) get all my friends to make a recording of said unwilling homosexual orgy
f) distribute said recording for FREE
g) carve some curses into his sorry penis with a blunt apparatus
h) castrate said sorry penis with said bloody blunt apparatus
i) by the time all that is done, if he isn't dead yet, he'd wish he was.

i know he reads my blog :P and i know that the above was a resurrection of my coldly graphic male-bashing a la Sixth Form. yes, i knew precisely why most guys feared me. i know. there's prime example there. well, i don't care. all the better for him to know that he shouldn't humiliate and cross me that way unless he wants to be tortured and killed slowly and painfully and even more humiliatingly.

but he's an intelligent man :D with a past of his own. i'm sure he knows better ;)

Fire and Heat

they say if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

but what does one do when you want the food?

so badly that you'd brave the fire for the food?

one can only wish that one does not kill oneself in the process.

so, tell me.... where can i find fire repellent clothing?

Subconscious

it's one of the few times in her life when she could honestly say she was at a complete, total loss.

she wasn't sure what to say. what to do. what to think. even what to feel.

because this time it was different. and complex. and a dilemma in every sense of the word.

because it's not like no one gets hurt. it's just that it's no one's fault that it happened.

no one was to blame, and she knew it.

so what's there to do? what's there to say?

for hours and even days after that, she pondered the situation.

why did it hurt her? how does she feel? how would it change anything now? how to make things work?

funny how a slip of the subconscious could bring all the old insecurities to the fore, and cast new ones. was she good enough? smart enough? pretty enough? funny enough? kind enough? honest enough?

how to say what happened? how to bring voice to the nagging, unkind doubts turning cartwheels in her mind?

how to put all those aside, and just silence everything? stop everything? just take stock of what she had and work with it?

hopefully, this time around, with patience and honesty and kindness, and a lot of good, hard work, things would turn out for the best.

yet she still fears.

A Toast to 2007. A Drink to 2008

2007: A year with many blessings in disguise i suppose. When it comes to 2007, i suppose the best way to describe it is this: we can prescribe, God decides. In BM: manusia merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan.

I'd like to think I have matured much from 2006, in 2007, but i can't really say. I think i've wisened up a lot though, but that's just a personal perspective. I know i hit a really low point, n clawed my way out of there, but i think i gained a lot of personal strength from that chain of experiences.

There was much to be thankful for. Met many new good friends, got a job i'm pretty happy with, minus the crap slp :P met someone i'm happy to be around with.

Many little happy things: good conversations with friends, sharing happy moments, sharing unhappy moments. Knowing who your real friends are when bad things happen. Sharing good times and good news with those good friends :)

So here's a toast to 2007, and a drink to 2008!! Hope next year is a much better year for everyone!

Grown Up Christmas List

Blogs coming up, but just to feature this lovely song first sung by Natalie Cole, popularised by Amy Grant, and recently by Michael Buble. Music composed by David Foster and lyrics by Linda Thompson-Jenner. I think! :D

Here it is. The original. Beautiful :)



This version has some wrong notes, I think, but it's nice piano playing :D I MISS PIANO!



Amy Grant's



And the lyrics:

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasy

Well, I'm all grown up now
Can you still help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts

Every man would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end

This is my grown-up
Christmas list

What is this illusion called
The innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief
Will we ever find the truth

No more lives torn apart
And wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts

Every man would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas list
This is my only lifelong wish

This is my grown-up Christmas list

'nuff said.

Insomnia

movement... in the depths of my subconscious.

movement... the clock ticks. it slows down for no man or woman.

movement... restlessness. sleeplessness.

movement... and yet unseen. i feel it in the tingle on my skin. in the things i see between sleep and wakefulness. that no man's land. subtle... but it's there.

and last night for some reason, i couldn't sleep. something's afoot, and i know it. 0100 hours. 0300 hours. 0500 hours. 0700 hours. finally. o sleep, tis a gentle thing, beloved from pole to pole. to mary queen, the praise be giv'n, she sent the gentle sleep from heav'n, that slid into my soul. 0800 hours. and i'm awake.

the answer's on the calendar.

dammit. gotta put old demons to rest. watch em shrivel like an overturned snail covered in salt. it has to be SO over. i ain't hittin' 27 with a deadweight of shit on my shoulders.

so i dug into the demon-infested recesses of my memories, and revisited old wounds today. i don't know why i do this, sometimes. but i feel that i must do certain things only when i'm ready, and as a test to ascertain that i truly am ready to lay all ghosts to RIP.

the carousel... has stopped spinning. i've gotten off, finally. i walk away, but as i do, i look behind one last time. it had been quite a ride. there is a lot of sadness, and some nostalgia, a little bit of fondness. but i know full well the ride is over. and this would be one ride i would really rather not get on again.

i guess this explains it best:

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later I get what I’m asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
The truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you (I'll always have you)

Sick of playing all of these games
It’s not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror didn’t deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could stop
Admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I’ve gotta be strong and leave you behind

If I live every moment
Won’t change any moment
There's still a part of me in you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do, oh

~Jordin Sparks, Tattoo~

the precipice... i realise now was a path i had to travel. a situation i had to experience to gain better insight into my own psyche. to better understand my motivations. the fall was painful and deeply depressing. but with it was a lesson so priceless, it was worth it all. to know who your true friends are, to realise why you make the mistakes that you do, is an epiphany that i would never give up now that i have the knowledge. self-knowledge is more potent than any other, perhaps because it is like taking one more step closer to God. He did, after all, make us in His likeness.

i have no regrets. the precipice happened for a reason, and even if the other party learnt nothing from it, i have done my part, and i have done my best.

this i walk away from without looking back at all. no nostalgia, no fondness, just self-awareness.

Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging the waters til the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember anything I said when I said,

Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding
Oh hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you've left to go?
She cries her life is like
Some movie in black and white
Dead actors faking lines, over and over and over again she cries

And I watched as you turned away
You don't remember, but I do
You never even tried
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again, oh

~Fuel, Hemmorhage~

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'M NOT SORRY THERE'S NOTHING TO SAVE...

~Stars, Your Ex-Lover Is Dead~

***
and as i toss and turn in my sad excuse for a bed last night, i wonder what the future has in store for me. so the demons are banished. what next?

this year has been difficult. yes i'm wiser now, i hope.

but all these just serves to tell me one thing. i know nothing. i can make no promises. all i have is me. and who i am now.

all of these just serves to remind me: i am of this earth. my life is not my own.

there is a greater power at work here. all i can do is plan. but whether or not my plans come to pass is not of my jurisdiction.

and i miss you. terribly.

have i ever told anyone: i find christmas a more subtly romantic event than valentine's? christmas is for family, and good friends, and cosy dinners. it's about passion and firelights. something of a reality rather than the candlelights of which dreams are spun.

and i miss you. terribly.

for one with such perpetual verbosity as i, the silence i find myself in now is plain insufferable.

and this christmas, words fail me.

so i suppose i'd just borrow janis gott's:

I know Santa is a friend of mine and he's always been good to me
Always treats me right every Christmas night puts things beneath my tree.
But the one thing I want him to bring has never been on his sleigh
It's always on my mind, a gift I'm hoping to find when I open my eyes on Christmas day

I want you to wrap your love around me like a big red Christmas bow
I want to feel your love surround me everywhere I go
And when the holidays are over no more tinsel, no more snow
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow

Take the stockings from the fireplace but leave the angel on the tree
To watch, protect and to direct your love straight down to me
Now close your eyes, here's my surprise, feel my heart if you need a clue.
It is yours alone for you to keep and to own in return I ask one thing of you.

I want you to wrap your love around me like a big red Christmas bow
I want to feel your love surround me everywhere I go
And when the holidays are over not a trace of mistletoe
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow

~Janis Gott, Big Red Christmas Bow~

and again... i miss you. terribly.

SANTA BABYYYYY....

now i'm still at work, been real busy, hence the lack of posts... but i'm feeling chrismassy. so i went hunting for christmas songs..

been keeping myself sane by dancing at work after everyone's left :P

i've got several really nice fave christmas songs, but here's one of my faves... (not approved by the GIRM (for those non-Catholics: ?guidelines something something *yawn yawn* Roman Missal) for church masses, of course :P)

this is sung by the pooooddy cat dolls... PCD... oh hello hellooooo..... and snoop dogg's (snoopy baby.. LOL!) in it. :P yeah i dance to this at work since i'm in the holiday mood already (minus the holidays, fuck it!)

now the only thing missing is the itty bitty santarina outfit ;) who's gonna get me that one? i got me fmbs this year, since i been a reeaaaalllll good girl :P so just the outfit would do :P



and here's the original Eartha Kitt... i couldn't find an older version of the song which she did solo, so i guess this would do. but OMG... she's SOOOO OLD... what, almost 90? but she still has legs like that :P there's hope for us yet. LOL.



oh and here's one with big tittied cartoon characters ;P oh yeah, someone likened me to betty boop, but i like her, so who cares :D



LOL... and THIS is by a drag queen: gloria von rottenhole (? ROFLMAO. cue Grey's Anatomy's SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY!!) man, is s/he a DIVA....



Kylie's live on Leno. HELLOOOOO MAMA ;) this woman proves hot things come in lil packages. honestly, though, she shoulda done without the lousy dancers. classier that way.



sing along with me now:

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree,
For me.
been an awful good girl,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa baby, a 54 convertible too,
Light blue.
I'll wait up for you dear,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I've missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed,
Next year I could be just as good,
If you'll check off my Christmas list,

Santa baby, I wanna yacht,
And really that's not a lot,
Been an angel all year,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, there's one thing I really do need,
The deed
To a platinum mine,
Santa honey, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex,
And checks.
Sign your 'X' on the line,
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's,
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me,

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,
A ring.
I don't mean on the phone,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry, tonight.

oh, btw, before i sign off today, I LUUUURRRRVVVEEEE JOEYSIA!! ;)

spontaneous combustion

sooo... many things to write about, but been so busy at work. no time to write.

suffice to say, to ensure i do not spontaneously combust, or rip the balls off you-know-who, i am listening to reggae music, and reading the acerbic writings of Jeremy Clarkson (of Top Gear). and you wonder how i come up with caustic comments :P

the man is sooooo funny, he keeps me sane. well, i find him funny :)

back to work. sighsssss

Birthday Wishes

have a number of friends whose birthdays are in December:

since i'm gonna be gasping for breath in coming days and weeks, here are some birthday wishes from me:

Dec 3: Happy Birthday, Davi...! Whoa.. this means I've known you some 20-odd years. :P Stay gorgeous, smart, funny, sarcastic, funky!

Dec 4: Jonjon :P Now that you're older, learn to mumblemumble less, can? :P Happy birthday, you :)

Dec 8: Chick-How's classes and all? Happy Birthday! Go check some hunky intern on out your birthday, why don't u :P

Dec 9: Happy birthday, Chern! How's the new job coming along? I hear Sharon says you're liking it, that's all good then!

Dec 14: Ninehneh :D Happy Birthday! Yeah, should meet up sometime. Gimme a ring, then.

Dec 19: Poyee! :) Good to find you on fb :) Happy birthday!

Fragments

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people. Sometimes it's the distance between oneself and his emotions. And sometimes it's between a fallen one and salvation.

**

Have you ever had one of those moments, when all you wanted to do was disappear? Just. Disappear. Into the swirling, churning vortex of oblivion. Get lost in a city of billions. Drown in a sea of faces. Hide in the darkest shadows. Be common. Be nothing. Faceless. Nameless. Soulless. Nothingness.

**

Endless: Destiny, Death, Dream, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destruction. Neil Gaiman is a genius. Dark, disturbing, but a genius nonetheless.

**

Boundaries...
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in. Life's messy.
That's how we're made.
So you can waste your lives drawing lines,
Or you can live your life crossing them.

There was a time I related so well with some of the lines from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd rather live my life building bridges rather than erecting walls.... so explain to me why at times I feel an overwhelming need to build up my defenses. I'm not into attacking, most times I prefer to be left alone. But that never really works. So to avoid being completely crushed, I've always had to be constantly cautious, even defensive. And when I let down my guard occasionally, experience has taught me that it is, more often than not, a very bad move. So over and over again, after each crushing defeat, the defenses go up, higher with each subsequent time, faster in its rebuilding, thicker and stronger. And then up go the armaments.

I wish this weren't so. But tell me, how do I balance self-preservation and building bridges? Perhaps someday I'd have my answer that's out of the box. But for now, it's a terrible quandary.

**

I'm guessing it's either make it, or break it.

Mourning and Healing

this was meant to be blogged earlier. because it was something that happened over the weekend. but i only managed to find some time now.

sometimes the biggest epiphanies hits you between the eyes when you least expect it to.

spent the wee hours of sunday crying quietly in bed.

spent saturday night out celebrating a good buddy's birthday, ex-housemates from 'the apartment'. the scandalous apartment. the one with booze parties and things that happen with booze parties. u get the picture.

there's something i wanna say to someone who shared that table that saturday night.

**

thank you. i took up that dare because i needed to feel like a woman again. because i needed to heal.

no, i didn't realise it then. all i felt then was depression, and pain suppressed so deeply in me, it took all i had to not go back to the darkness i thought i had left behind when i moved out.

of course, you probably didn't realise i was doing that. how could you, when i barely realised it myself?

i'm not even sure anyone at that booze party realise the fragile mask i had put on. the anger and frustration behind the smile. the mask-it was pure china, all of it.

there were signs, though, i normally don't start a drinking session by sculling whiskey neat, immediately. shot after shot of it. special brew, to boot. i like to start my drinking session slow and easy, normally.

i wonder if anyone noticed the craziness in my eyes. then again, i was wearing my glasses. it was dark. and i act crazy all the time. add to that the fact that everyone was trying to knock themselves out. no, i guess not.

i'm sorry if knowing this now would make you feel used. i don't mean it to. i didn't even realise it then. i suppose we'd always be teased about it. which is fine by me. i did ask for it by taking up your challenge. after all... i was single then, and so were you. you liked it then, and so did i.

and though i suspect you too, were harbouring your own dirty little depressing secret, it was still no excuse.

i doubt you know what you did for me. how broken i was inside then. how i curled myself up into a little ball every night as i wrapped myself around the middle in the protective foetal position while i sobbed myself to sleep. how i hated what i did, what had happened, what i had allowed myself to happen, how i allowed it to happen, how i allowed him to treat me the way he did, who i was.

how i felt the secrets and lies and deceit were too much for me to bear, and the burden of holding it was crushing me underneath it's weight. how i felt i could speak to no one, and the loneliness of that was choking me. how i feared for my own sanity, and the depression was so dark, holding me in it's visceral grip, i felt i could never set myself free.

i lost perspective. i lost confidence. i lost my sense of self. i lost sight. i lost sense. i lost hearing. i lost touch. with myself. with reality. self-preservation. self-worth. self-confidence. all slowly came crumbling down in a span of several ugly months.

yet i have no regrets. i'm a success. it's only a failure, only a regret if i never learnt from it. i did. i still do. it was hard-fought, hard-earned, and terribly pricey, but i came out a victor at the end. battered, bruised, left for dead, but i survived. i made it, and i'm stronger, and happier, and, hopefully, wiser.

so i do have to thank you for helping me heal... i suppose the moment i sculled that shot, and took your hand to get on that balcony, i made a conscious decision to start forgetting and start healing. quick. who better to make me feel like a sexpot again than one known for making women quiver within a 30-mile radius? after having had my face rubbed into horse manure, over and over again, it was high time to wipe the tears, wash myself, put on my best clothes and sexiest strut and have me some sexytime.

and it worked. better than i myself thought. it was a confidence-booster. it was sewing up old hurts and storing them away. it was knowing i still have it in me to make a man perk up and take notice. i needed that, and you gave it to me, with or without knowing you did it.

and although things almost got out of hand, i'm glad things didn't get further than they did, though. it shouldn't, and it didn't. so let's just keep what happened there where it is. i wouldn't change what happened on the merit of what i got out of it. i consider it a gift, and i thank you for it.

i know you liked it as much, but i sure hope it wasn't a regret. we've both moved on from there, after all.

like they say: all's well that end's well. que sera sera.

christmas around the corner!

i've been so darn busy at work, i almost forgot christmas is less than a month away until going on joey's multiply reminded me...

so i tuned in to christmas radio.. and i started dancing to Jingle Bell Rock :P

christmas had always been a favourite season.. all that altruistic love and happy jolly feeling. easter is a time for somber spiritual development, christmas... christmas is a time for the young and young at heart to be all lovey-dovey :P a time for giving and good will all around.

and the parties!! year-end parties are the best!

i miss christmas at home. in a place that's majority christian, with the hugest catholic cathedral in the nation, u can feel the excitement strumming through the air by late october. that buzz... the preparation for christmas choir and christmas carolling...christmas deco everywhere... christmas songs blasting everywhere, every shopping area would be playing christmas jingles.

dammit... i miss christmas at home. i had planned to go back this year, but my parents would be around instead. which is great, i miss them, but there's nothing like going back to the cathedral where you spent every sunday as a girl staring at the sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows casting shadows of a myriad colours over the pews. and you're wondering how they got the glass such a brilliant blue, or red, or green. and you're thinking... it's so pretty. and when you're bored, you run outside to climb the walls of the church with the other children. while your parents prayed inside, you played outside :P but always, you go back inside to look for mommy.

then as you grew older, you became an out-standing catholic... cos the cathedral was too darn hot for you at times... but the bigger reason was that it was so much fun half-listening to the sermons while staring at fashion parade outside... the peacocks were so pretty, dressed in the latest converse bags and shoes. the bold and the beautiful were always outside at sunset mass, whether or not they were catholics :)

then you left school, and every time you could go home and go to church was precious, so this time you sat inside, and prayed like your parents did, and you'd meet friends outside after mass. guess you grew up, somewhat.

all those years, church on sundays, first friday masses in school, school feastday masses, days of obligation, and you fidgeted at the thought of staying the entire duration of the mass in church, especially 2 to 2 1/2 hour long high masses. yet now you would rather spend easter triduum and christmas season at home. odd how things turn out.

who wants to watch christmassy movies with me?

I’ll be home for Christmas,
You can count on me,
Please have snow, and mistletoe,
And presents ‘neath the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the lovelight gleams,
I’ll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams…
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the lovelight gleams,
I’ll be home, I’ll be home,
If only in my dreams…

and my customary Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Christmas future is far away,
Christmas past is past,
Christmas presents are here to stay,
Bringing joy that may last
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light,
In a year, our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yuletide gay,
In a year, our troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore,
Precious friends who are dear to us,
Gather near to us once more
In a year, we all will be together,
If our fates allow,
Until then, we’ll just have to muddle through somehow,
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Christmas hugs and kisses all around! :P

oh wait... that's in 3 weeks time :)

listening to: Jim Brickman's Greensleeves on Merry Christmas Radio