Subconscious

it's one of the few times in her life when she could honestly say she was at a complete, total loss.

she wasn't sure what to say. what to do. what to think. even what to feel.

because this time it was different. and complex. and a dilemma in every sense of the word.

because it's not like no one gets hurt. it's just that it's no one's fault that it happened.

no one was to blame, and she knew it.

so what's there to do? what's there to say?

for hours and even days after that, she pondered the situation.

why did it hurt her? how does she feel? how would it change anything now? how to make things work?

funny how a slip of the subconscious could bring all the old insecurities to the fore, and cast new ones. was she good enough? smart enough? pretty enough? funny enough? kind enough? honest enough?

how to say what happened? how to bring voice to the nagging, unkind doubts turning cartwheels in her mind?

how to put all those aside, and just silence everything? stop everything? just take stock of what she had and work with it?

hopefully, this time around, with patience and honesty and kindness, and a lot of good, hard work, things would turn out for the best.

yet she still fears.