Tuesday, December 12, 2006

What's the measure of a (wo)man?

Maturity? Wisdom? Intelligence? Kindness? Physical perfection?

What's a person worth?

Beyond the superficiality of how this world judges us, how do we measure ourselves when it comes to what's important? In fact, what IS important?

Call me crazy...

Call me crazy...

Monday, 11 December, 2006. 1322 hours.

Call me crazy...

But I find that in every major decision in my life, for as long as I remember, if there's something that I need really badly, or want really badly, something has to be taken from me as a form of sacrifice or replacement. Checks and balances. Scales. The call of Nemesis.

Money may be lost, but there might be personal gain.

Emotions may be sent on a roller-coaster ride, but my career may stabilise itself.

Maybe it's just me, but I find that nothing in this life is free, except for the best things. The best things in life are always freely given. Love, especially, in all its forms. It may take effort and sacrifice to maintain, on both sides, but the effort is always freely given.

Agape. Phileo. Eros. The three forms of love. The best gifts of life.

Thursday, December 07, 2006



I'm no expert on love. Having crashed and burned. And yet, seems like this year is a lousy year for some of my friends.

V, if you're reading this. What I think is this:

Love isn't supposed to be toxic.

It should bring you up instead of take you down.

Open the Bible and turn to Corinthians, Chapter 13. I think nothing expresses any type of love better than that.

Love is patient and kind... Take heart :) All isn't yet lost in this world :) And nothing is worth more than the life God gave you.



Thursday, 7 December 2006. 1226 hours

Here I am, typing to keep my fingers occupied in an upward position. See, I've just painted my nails. Aye, I am THAT bored. I remember now, why all my nail polishes are still so full after almost 5-7 years (some are dried now). I can't paint my nails for nuts. I'd end up taking a whole morning or afternoon, because... they get smudged/ chipped/ whatever. I have absolutely no patience for girly shit. And there's no such thing as quick-dry nail polishes. Well, none are quick-dry enough for me. I'd paint my nails, and go do something else ('cos what a waste of time to be staring at the ceiling), and the whole thing would get ruined. Now I remember why I went for manicures (if I needed to get my nails done) when I was working although they cost a bomb. Manicures are EXPENSIVE, and they force you to sit still for at least 2 hours. Gahhh.... SO MUCH EFFORT HAVE TO BE PUT INTO LOOKING PRETTY... And at the end of the day, if it's a dude you're dressing up for, he wants you without your embellishments anyway. So much for clothes and make-up. All he wants would be your naked body :P Am I Right, or am I RIGHT?

Which is precisely why I don't dress up for men. Dressing up is for myself. If I feel like going out the door in shorts today, and it's just to the supermarket (of course not to work la, siao meh?), I bloody hell will. If I feel like wearing a dress, I bloody hell will, too!! :)

Arghhhhh... This is crazy... So much work... I should pick up sewing instead.... BUT MY EYES.....

Btw, does anyone think tri-coloured toes weird? I kinda like how my toes look :P Oh come on, not like I'm gonna go anywhere or do anything serious anytime soon.... I wonder how lizard green with yucky-saccharine-pink would look on toes.... Hmmmm.... :)

Speaking of eyes, I got me new glasses. I've been getting headaches, and now I know why. My power has changed. Slight increase on the right, major decrease on the left. The optician was quite shocked I could read... Heheh... Well, I could, but I get headaches. My new glasses are, ermmm... funky at best, weird at worst :D Here's what my friend, Tim, said when he saw them: Are you sure you chose this yourself? Me: (knowing something nasty is coming-right-up, and bracing myself for it, defensively went) WWHHHYYYYYYYYYY???? Him: Oh, nothing, just making sure that the salesgirl didn't push it to you 'cos she couldn't sell it to anyone else... ARRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The things that boy says.... :'( cuts rrreeeeaaaaaaaalllllll deep, hunny, cuts rrreeeeaaaaaallll deep.... (Conversation not verbatim, but, it kinda went like that. As are ALL conversations here)
Well, boy, my other friends say it suits me FINE... SO THERE... *ppffffffttttttttt.....* You is just jealous I can pull it off :D (Now say nothing!!)

I tell all my girlfriends to NOT touch their hair when they're stressed/ frustrated/ heartbroken/ etc. etc. ... because women being women... the first thing they do after something bad is do something to their hair. And regret later. :P But knowing women, they never listen. And me having a vagina, I don't listen either :P especially to myself.

Yeah, I got me a new haircut. Spur-of-the-moment. In what Sham calls 'Cheras times 10', or Albert calls 'LALA-land'. Johor Bahru :P Oh, in my defense, I went with a friend, and she was getting her hair permed, too. So, what was I gonna do for 4 hours, huh? It was spur-of-the-moment for her, too.
Well, I wanted something long, and wild, and thick, and out-of-bed, 'cos I don't comb my hair getting out-of-bed, and if it already looks out-of-bed, that's the whole point, no? Ummm... anyone gets my point? Anyway, what I got instead is a Taiwan-ey, Hongki-ey, Jap-ey, Korean-ey, look. Maybe I should ask Anna Sui if she needs a new face for her 'Doll' whatever, range. Ok, I over-estimate myself, but you catch my drift. ARGH!!!!

Here was what happened (conversations all in Mandarin):
Me: I want something like that (points to picture)
Girl: (barely looking) Cannnn.....

Me: Please don't cut off too much
Girl: HUAAAHHHHHH.... Your hair very thick laaa.... A lot of hair, ohh..... (snips... snips....) take off your glasses arr...
Me: Ok....
Girl: How old are you ar?
Me: 25
Girl: (stops snipping and stares...) Har?
Me: 25...
Girl: I thought you aren't more than 20...
Me: Errrr....
Girl: You look so young... your overall appearance... attitude...
Me: Hur??? (to self: I dress normal what....(I was in jeans and baby-tees and flats that day))
Girl: *smiles* Well... You're very cute
Me: Uhhmmm... thank you. I permed my hair to look older. Want to start working, can't look so young. Have to look a little bit more mature.
Girl: *smiles* Ya, permed hair makes a person look slightly older

(many snips later)

Me: (puts glasses back on, looks to ground) Argh!!! (Looks at hair) Arghhh!!!!! wahhh... You cut off a lot lehhh....
Girl: Want to perm, must cut off ohh... Your hair very thick lehh... Don't worry, your hair still very long....
Me: (flips hair to front) (to self: SHITTTTT.... That's like 4' off!!!!! BIATCH!!!!)
Girl: I give you a lot of layers, if not your hair would be very 'pong'.
Me: Oh... (to self: yeah, it's cut already, not like I can glue my hair back on... sheeesssshhhh....)

(snips, and chemicals later...)

Girl: Well? Ok maa.... This is the latest fashion
Me: Mmm...... (to self: Yeah, in Taiwan, I know. I just went for Karaoke and my buddies were singing S.H.E and Fish Leong and I dunno what the rest of their names are... chinese names. OMG... I LOOK LIKE AN AH LIAN..... I IS LALA MUI!! Check it out! *sobs...*) *makes funny sound in throat*
Girl: Why? Nice maaa... Make sure you (blablabla on haircare.....)
Me: *sighs...* (to self: I look fucking 20....)
Girl: Curly hair suits you hor? Look sexier... I give you a fringe, ok? *giggles* You'd look so cute and adorable in a fringe!! (snips snips...)
Me: Whaaaa??? NO!!! I'm supposed to look mature, not cute.........

But it was too late... She snipped at Whaaaa???

And so.... Kesimpulannya, I can pass for SIXTEEN now... I have a fringe, I look like a lalamui (ah lian) like I came straight out of a Taiwanese MTV. My hair is so heavily layered, it's layered from the 1st half of the back of my head downwards. Yes, it feels lighter, and I can wash my hair everyday now. Sighs.. I just didn't envision myself looking like this.

My friend, Anne on seeing my new haircut: You look so cute!! Me:..... (-.-) Anne: (seeing the look on my face) Errrmmm... nice ah...? You look much fresher with this haircut Me: Yahhh... I look AH LIAN...

Albert and Gerald, on seeing my cut: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... Me: *sighs...* Albert and Gerald: Who ask you go get haircut in LALALAND? Albert TO Gerald: Must be the LALA-ness got to her, so she also become LALA ady... Gerald: Ya ya... Must be... Me: Ummmm.... *annoyed look on face* Albert: I couldn't recognise you, you know... Me: *long looonnnnnggggggg sigh* Yes yes, okay. I know I look like lalamui now... Albert and Gerald: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Albert: While you're at it, go and dye some LALA colour also la.. Might as well go all out... Me: UUURRRRGGGGHHHHHH........ (-.-)

Sharon, on seeing the new 'do: You look SO CUTE!!! Younger.... Me: AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH............ Not supposed to look like that..... Sharon: Now you and Chern can be gang-gang... She rebonded her hair. Me: Yaaa... The New Super Kawaii Wannabe Japanese Chicks...

*sniffs* Thank God they didn't see it right after I got it done. This was after a few shampoos already, and the curls have gotten more loose....

NEVERMIND!! The hair would grow. I'd look much better by January. It better be so...

:P So much for my make-over, hmm?

Oh, btw. OCs supposedly make ppl fat, but I am losing weight. Hmmm... Time to switch to Yasmin?

The low-down on my 3rd month on OCs? Doing nothing for my skin yet, but of course, I expected that. Wasn't taking Ocs for acne anyways. Does wonders for the cramps, though. And the bleeding. Though I was bleeding everyday that first month. Was probably borderline anaemic then :P It's fine now, though. Am not getting nausea, vertigo, migraine. Not getting depression, either. At least, I don't think so. Ro-A gave me crazy moodswings. Was slightly depressive. Compared to that, Ocs are a ride in the park. So yeah. So far, so good.

And I'm so not gaining weight. Though I AM craving more sugar than normal. Odd.... Mmmm... Chocolate cake (@.@)

Piercings, Orgasms and More Nonsensical Ramblings from an Extremely Bored Mind....

Piercings, Orgasms and More Nonsensical Ramblings from an Extremely Bored Mind...

Wednesday, 6 December 2006. 1739 hours

Yeah, you read that right. This is gonna be a blog on orgasms, both male and female :P People with delicate tastes please turn your eyes away now.

Okay. I dunno much about orgasms other than it's supposed to be bloody damn explosive earth-shattering mind-altering paradigm-shifting good. Better than fags and drugs, apparently.

Shit, I hope my parents, or brother doesn't read this. And I sure hope I don't have kepochi friends who would rat on me :P Blah, live on the edge for awhile, shan't I?

Now a guy friend of mine once said that he read somewhere that the female orgasm is a myth :) Women in the know, please let me know if that's true. I'd be quite miffed if I can never achieve 'le petit morte'. How can? No fair.... I want that grasping, moaning, groaning, sighing, gasping, screaming, eye-rolling, clutching, satisfying moment of complete and utter euphoria too! Ok, saying I'd be miffed is a gross understatement. But you catch my drift. I'd like to know where he got his literature from, so female sexologists around the world can shoot the fella :D

So, shall I run a poll? IS the female orgasm a myth?

Now why bring up the topic since said dude made the remark quite a while back? 'Cos:
a) I forgot about it. Oopsie daisie... My bad :)
b) A conversation I had last night.

Regarding b), there's more to it. Here it is:

Venue: Some fancy-schmancy Starbucks in some fancy-schmancy uptown place. (I didn't choose the place, k? Me brokums, not like Jar-O the rich ass :P) Ye-lah... no mentioning which, I dunwanna get stalked and get some sleazy dude saying: Let me show you a female orgasm, bay-beh :P

Time: 2230-ish hours, Tuesday, December 5th, Year 2006

Characters: Jar-O and the Double A's and Me (2 guys, a girl, and a confused identity (guess who?) :P)

We were talking about body piercings in interesting places. Well, actually, it started with talking about a scary girl we all once knew. She claims to give the best blowjobs in the world :P Though, ermm... one of the guys who once upon a time, not so long ago, used to do her says he'd tell her she was good to not hear her running commentaries in the midst of all that 'passion'. Guess he doesn't quite know the concept of 'white noise' :D

A the boyfriend started teasing A the girlfriend about probably not knowing what a blowjob is, which led to Jar-O saying his buddy should teach her. And Jar-O mentioning the different ways to enhance the pleasure of a blowjob. Ice, mint, hot tea, etc. etc. (oh come on, can't give 'em all out here on a public blog), and, yeah, piercings. See, I have a few very publicly kinky girl friends. A few would qualify as sarong party girls (Too bad they aren't around anymore. Could teach me a trick or two :P) One (not a sarong party girl, this one. At least, I don't think so) was, well, interesting. Super sexy and unafraid to show it. Kinky, and the world knows it. Tattoos down the inguinal area on both sides. Very sexy. Piercings. She has a tongue stud and she tells me the men she sleeps with thanks her for it. Mmmhmmmm... Yup. Keeps a box-ful of different types of her fave condoms by her bedside. And those colourful nice-smelling thingies for bath and play, too. Damn bedroom looks a wee bit like a boudoir. And I forgot, different kinds of lube. KY, Durex Play, Durex Hot, Durex Tingle, whatever. Oh, for condoms, she swears by Durex :P Actually, a few of those girls swear by Durex. Less 'accidents' apparently, and it's supposed to feel almost... 'natural'? :P So I mentioned what KinkyGirl told me, about tongue studs being very good for blowjobs. Which the boys agree with. But, they say having a tongue stud and not knowing how to give a proper blowjob would result in quite nasty accidents. :D Well, I could infer that. The penile glans is amazingly sensitive. Don't take a rocket scientist to know.

Tongue studs led to a conversation on other piercings. In uhmm... 'interesting' places. The Prince Albert, for instance. Somebody tell me how that's being done?

I remember being in the church toilet during sunset mass when I was 18, and meeting again, a girl I used to know in primary school. She told me she had a boyfriend (me: ok) who has a piercing at his genitals (the Prince Albert, I found out years later) (me: (stunned look on face)) and she had one at her clitoris as well.... (me: ok, right, I think my parents would be looking for me now.. (and makes a mad dash out of there)).

Apparently, these studs are pleasure enhancers for sexual encounters. Increases friction and what not. Mind-blowing orgasms. Yay, ok... But ermm... OUCH?? Wouldn't cockrings do? So cockrings can slip out. Well, errmmm... take the dick out when it's still hard, and don't leave it in there till it goes soft and flaccid? Besides, if a dick can fit in there, then surely one can take the cockring out? I dunno. But piercings just seem painful :P

Next: Uhh... I know these rings would have space for errrr... engorged moments, but hmm... those rings probably have sizes. How would the piercer know which size should be used? Unless the dude himself gives an estimate of how big his erection gets? Logically thinking, I doubt he'd pierce it when he's erect. Ouchieee.... Same goes for a clit ring, no?

So many questions :P Who can give me answers?

On a less provocative/ mind-boggling subject: Who wants to play 'Gotcha' on Ells the Smells? A the girlfriend and I would bet it'd be jolly fun :P And we'd bet he'd fall for it, too. HAHA....

Ohh... And I wanna shoot my new housemates. It's one thing to be using my things (I don't mind) so long as they clean it up. And it'd be nice if they asked. But it's another to go through my foodstuff and toiletries and just take and use whatever, you know? WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRR............. Talk about insensitivity, Davi. Gah... Some people.

All that talk on sex. Maybe I should make my New Year's Resolution now :P

1) Leave the country and this State of the Nation before I go nuts, get shot, get imprisoned, get ISA-ed, or all of them at once.
2) Get laid :P Ok, this one is probably not gonna happen. NATO, you know? (No Action, Talk Only). Sighs... Besides, what's the point if I'm not gonna experience 'le petit morte'? Even a tampon the size of my little finger with the length of approx 1 1/2' hurt. Just ask Pantai Hillpark Phase *** Block * inhabitants :P Or my roommate then. She still laughs about my howling. BIATCH... And to think she was the one who told me to try it in the first place. *sniffs* And to think I was gullible enough to listen to her. ARGH!! Stupid me... Stupid... :P

I need new lingerie. a) They're out of shape/ They've got holes in 'em b) They don't fit right no more... :( But I'm broke. Going lingerie-shopping with friends who are buying them when you need your own is like being teased. So near, yet so far... Now you see it, now you don't... How? Oh man... I hate the feeling of being a poor bum. RICH BUM is good. Poor bum sucks.

Being teased. Like the ONE mark I need to pass exams. You know, sometimes I feel like Life is a Goddess/ Beautiful Woman (say, who looks like Jessica Alba) in a see-through gossamer gown with nothing underneath doing a naughty dance and being a cock-tease. DAMMIT.... And I'm like the man she's doing the dance for, and I can't bloody cum. At the moment of ejaculation, something clamps at the base, and you get backflow. Like that. Ouch... TORTURE. You get the picture? YUP... OH MANNNN.....

This has been a shitty year. And Lady Luck hasn't been quite a lady, blowing on other guys' dices....

Should I just stop whatever I'm doing and be: a) a personal shopper, or b) a trashy romance novelist? You know. Write satisfying trash like: As his pulsating, engorged manhood entered her warm, soft, moistness oh-so-slowly, pushing into her tightest depths in a pulsing rhythm, paced as she liked it, nice and deep.... (continue with your personal vivid fantasy here) :D Oh my... I'm howling with uncontrollabnle laughter alone in my room. My housemates must think I'm crazy :D Yes, I read text porn. It's mindless entertainment when I'm tired. You don't want to be debating political thrillers in your head after work, or after textbooks like Concise Pathology :) So I should be able to write it as well, no? Give Judith Krantz, Jackie Collins, Jude Deveraux a run for their money :D

Enough nonsense for one night. Good night!!



Tuesday, 5 December 2006, 1032 hours.

I talked to Bren on MSN yersterday, and she says I should start working and making something of myself :) Makes me sound like I enjoy being a bum. Trust me, ain't no fun being a bum with absolutely nothing to do. I can't cook, there isn't gas. I can't watch TV, there's none. I can't surf for porn :P I haven't the Internet. (Okay, I was kidding about the porn, but you catch my drift)

I wanna work, dammit!! But I doubt I'd be getting interviews soon. It IS the end of the year. Big bosses a.k.a decision-makers are probably holiday-ing overseas with their wife and kids (or mistresses the age of their kids :P), or shopping overseas (if they are women). It IS the school holidays and the Christmas season. I gather I'm gonna be jobless at least till January, when it's the start of the new fiscal and financial year. When the audits are all done, and they can estimate how much they can spend to hire new goons.

I know I need to work soon before I lose touch of scan techniques. How much pressure to apply, where to apply it, etc. I do love what I do.

I love the fact that ultrasound scanning allows me the freedom of isolation and yet I'm working in a team. I love being in a darkened room all alone with someone else, behind a million-dollar baby.

I love staring and making sense out of pixels and shades of changing gray dots on a monitor.

I love the adrenaline rush I feel when I hold a probe, wondering if I'd see anything fascinating or unusual, and the apprehension of making a mistake I cannot afford.

Lives depend on it.

I love meeting new people, seeing new faces. Something new everyday. I get bored fast :P

I love the knowledge that when a person lies supine on the bed, (s)he'd have to listen to me (MUAHAHA!) whether the person be male or female, king or beggar, father or son, saint or sinner. Medicine or disease does not discriminate. Muslim, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Hindu, Scientologist (:P). All that talk on equality. At the end of the day, we're all gonna die anyway. Just a matter of how and when. And I love the fact that I'm part of that.

I love the fact that doing what I do, I can help assuage fears, or I can be part of the solution to a problem. And yet...

I love the fact that I get to ponder my own humanity. We may plan, but ultimately, it's God who decides. Nothing like the field of medicine to remind one of that fact.

It is in medicine that one needs Faith the most.

When you're 25 and single and at the threshold/ crossroads of life, you don't look too far ahead. The thought of death? It baffles your mind. You take each day as it comes, and hope it's better than the last. You wonder when you'd save enough to buy that dream house/ apartment you've always wanted, so you can decorate it the way you want, and fark lousy housemates. You dream of getting that car (so you can have a ride, regardless of whether or not you wanna pimp it, dammit!! One can only bear putting up with Malaysian public transportation for so long) and have enough to get you an Alsatian, and keep it. You don't even think of marriage, 'cos heck, mum!! I need me a boy first, and no, please don't matchmake me with a teacher in your school. I've had enough with teachers :P And I don't look like a horse's ass, so have a little faith, yeah? Kids? Perhaps, someday, but better make it fast, 'cos now that you have that scary Embryology book, you know, to a certain extent, how to calculate your risks. And dammit, you've got geneticist friends who'd be more than happy to tell you your eggs are wasting (nice way to put it) or rotting (SUPER NICE way to put it)... Fark 'em :P Death? Not really. Kinda hazy...

Until you come face-to-face with the reality of death. 27/28-year old comes in for a routine medical check-up, and gets diagnosed with end-stage liver cancer. You remember the face of the patient when he was informed of the diagnosis. You remember the shock. You remember how his yellow (jaundiced) face turned white at the idea of having only a few years at most to live. A thrombus (clot) in the portal vein? Clots are for fat, old uncles! Not for a relatively fit young man below 30! You think of all the chemo he has to go through to get through the next few years, how he'd need Palliative care, 'cos there ain't much anyone could do at that stage, how there's very little chances for survival, considering that there might be metastases elsewhere, and you think: SHIT... 25 and 27/28 isn't that far away... And then there's the 19-year-old girl with breast cancer.... And no, she hasn't got really large boobies, either. Another myth down the drain.... You freak out and go home and do BSE everyday for 2 months...

You go home, and stare in the mirror for awhile. Which is a feat in itself, considering you're one of those nuts who never combs her hair (you do digital perm for precisely that reason :P), never checks to see what kind of clothes you've thrown on on a normal day (jeans and tees and sneakers/ flats (have to walk mar...) is your informal uniform), and hardly ever, if not never, looks in the mirror before she walks out the door. That itty-bitty mirror is for applying make-up when the need arises (work (Customer Service, what... you get paid to look good and make assholes feel good)/ interviews/ clubbing/ hot date (rare :P)) But here you are, staring in the mirror, thinking: If I get diagnosed with cancer tomorrow and I die within a year (touch wood!) who'd remember me? Who'd remember my face? Who'd remember my laughter, who'd remember my tears, who'd remember my faves and my fears? Who'd remember what I've done? If I've done anything much in the first place?

You hardly check your breasts.. heck! You're too lazy. Your attitude towards them? Those things just happen to be there. Thank goodness they're small and don't get in the way much. Could be bigger... but... Oh well... You don't bother using push-ups, 'cos they're hot la, dammit... All that fake padding.... You don't like heat much... You'd rather sleep nude on sultry nights, except you have housemates :P Unless you have air-conditioning, different story. You like 'em bras strapless, 'cos you hate fiddling with the stupid straps. WHAT DECORATIVE STRAPS? NO STRAPS BETTER!! Yeah, you're one lazy lazy girl :P And those sunny-side-ups of yours are good enough for lactating when the time and need arises. If a man complains, you'd tell him to get a penis enhancer before you get a breast enhancer :D Big is good, no? Same same both ways :P You're so lazy, checking your breasts slips your mind the way taking those little OC pills do. Until something like that happens. And you're forced to think about it, and deal with the possibility.

I'm frightened of that. And yet I love it. The reminder of our mortality. That we may try to build/ reach for the proverbial Tower of Babel, but there's a Higher Power that we cannot avoid/ ignore.

Death doesn't discriminate. It'd come to us sooner or later. Whether by senescence (if we're lucky) or by some other means.

So yes, I wanna work. If anyone knows where a hospital is wanting to hire an ultrasonographer, let me know :P My email is just there.

Monday, December 04, 2006

One Mark!!


I need one more mark to pass my exams fully. Am appealing. Gah... Pray for me. Place is driving me bonkers....

Fairydust and Birthday Wishes...

Fairydust and Birthday Wishes...

This is a blog on nothing, and on everything. Fragmented thoughts, loosely linked together by strands of associated ideas. This is the result of sleepless nights, of daydreams, of meditation, of the subconscious self, of floating on clouds, of fairydust...

Boredom. It has become my middle name. I blogged on December 1, but I changed my mind about posting it up. Too... personal. Strange how so much emotion can be expressed in so little words. Hmm...

I think I should start writing again. I wonder what happened to my short stories. Probably decomposing in some dumpsite somewhere. I regret not keeping them. Might have been interesting to read about what the me of a decade ago thought and felt, and see if anything has changed since then :)

Don't you think that: People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, and then repent? I find myself doing that, more times than I'd like to admit.

I'm quick-tempered. I've an out-of-whack guydar. Must be compensating for my right-on-the-spot gaydar :P I'm a stubborn, moralistic, arrogant, unrelenting, elitist biatch. Mmm... and I make mistakes I really don't fancy analysing too deeply, and yet I should, and I know I should. Methinks I need a psychiatrist.

Dont you think, too, that: The old heart needs to get itself broken a few times to learn how to love? My friend, A the boy (of the double As (:P)) said on Thursday that in most cases, men get more stable with every consequent relationship, whereas women get more jaded and cynical. I don't really know about that. I wonder what others would say about that statement?

I've wondered, and I wonder still: Is there such a thing as a love immunity?

Where's the love? 6 billion people in the world probably wants to know. It's everywhere. And yet it's as elusive and illusive as fairydust.

Written somewhere in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore is this: ...Everywhere life is full of heroism.... Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is perennial as the grass... Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness... Strive to be happy.

:) I will most certainly try. I've the whole of the Desiderata pasted up on my wall for reaffirmation every day anyway :P I need all the help I can get.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVI!!! One year older, one year wiser, one year of experience and maturity to garner your strength from :) And one year of gorgeousness. Plenty more to go! Some women age with grace and beauty :) You, darling, is one of them!

Musings: By Marina Mahathir

This came to me in an e-mail from a friend and this is interesting. Considering all that's been going on, I'm glad Marina is speaking out on behalf of a lot of silent people. Thank God for leaders like her :)


LOOKING at recent developments, I think there should be a new association registered for the propagation of the shallow and superficial. It should be called, for short, the SS.

The SS is open for membership to people who have nothing better to do with their lives than look for monsters under their beds, enemies in their blankets or crosses in their buns. The first members of the SS are the people who believe that the path to hell is paved with ice-cream biscuits.

In case there are still people out there who only read the mainstream papers and therefore have been blissfully cocooned in ignorance, a group of defenders of the faith have lodged a report that a certain brand of ice-cream biscuits have (Christian) crosses on them, and therefore this is a grave threat to our faith. If any of us were unaware that all it takes is ice-cream to melt our faith, now we know.

The SS would comprise of people who really believe that their faith needs to be protected from confectionery, lipstick, books, magazines, songs, maybe even SpongeBob SquarePants. Everything should be scrutinized for their ability to creep into one's soul and destroy one's beliefs. Having laws that allow for this scrutiny would apparently show how superior and strong their religion is.

The SS are not in the least bit interested in any real issues that might truly be threats to their community. Not for them the trivial matters of poverty and hunger nor of people being bombed to death every day in Iraq or Palestine, or dying of diseases such as AIDS. Nay, these are unimportant compared to the dangers of ice-cream and lipstick.

In case anyone thinks I am making this up, some people might remember that in the days before the United States invaded Iraq, an e-mail listing out the brands of cosmetics one should not use because their lipsticks were not halal was passed around. Undoubtedly, several hundred thousand dead Iraqis later, those who boycotted those lipsticks feel very good now.

Let us not forget other SS members, those who should be conferred the special title Simple-Minded and Stupid, otherwise known as SMS. These are the sorts who believe every little message that comes into their hot little phones, no matter how unlikely.

Without even asking simple questions like "Is it true?", they pass them on as if they were, well, gospel. Even worse, instead of just relying on electronic gadgets, which one can always blame technology for, they pass on these messages verbally to other members of the SS, all of whom accept everything the SMS say is literally The Word of God.

The alleged Word of God is then borne into action by Korrupt Kombative Knuckleheads, otherwise known as the KKK. These will do things like throw firecrackers into churchyards, destroy temples and raid married people's bedrooms. Pretty soon we may find them dressing up in bedsheets and stringing up people they don't like on trees.

One thing about the SS, the SMS and the KKK is that they never take responsibility for anything. Unlike hijackers, kidnappers and terrorists who want to be known as people who do bad deeds, the Malaysian versions don't own up to anything. If SS or SMS talk about how Other People are bad, and the KKK then go and string up people by their necks, the SS and SMS simply put their hands up and say, "But I never told them to do that. I only mentioned these things in passing."

Thus they can pass out simpleminded but dangerous messages without having to take the consequences. Unlike Other People who are constantly being threatened with all sorts of Dire Consequences should they so much as open their mouths. This is how less than a dozen people talking peace and goodwill can be told to shut up in the face of 10,000 talking war and hate. It's the same sort of argument some Neanderthals make about cameras peering in inappropriate places; the victims shouldn't have worn skirts.

The sad thing is that an association like the SS would have so many members in this country. While those who are reasonable, moderate and tolerant are getting marginalized every day.

The voice of hate is these days so much louder than the voice of peace, love and inclusiveness. Just as we don't see the supreme irony of trumpeting our religious superiority while at the same time claiming that it only takes biscuits to destroy us, we don't see the irony of extolling ourselves as a superior race while at the same time insisting on crutches and handouts.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Pics from JB

Pics from JB

Here are some pics taken mostly from Danga Bay, JB :) Honestly, it was a rather disgusting beach, but what would one expect of a strait, having Singapore on one side, and Johore on the other :P Time to go to either the East Coast, Sabah, or back home to Kuching for some nice beaches. Hehehe... Danga Bay is rather commercialised, though. Kinda like the Waterfront of Kuching. Though the Waterfront wasn't as gross, last I saw it.

BUT... let it not be said that I can't cam-whore. For effin'ssakes, I take pics of internal organs, and have to utilise TGC and shite like that, I sure as hell can use a digicam and take pics of external things... Uhmmm :P *note: cam-whoring pics not here. wahaha!*

To prove my point, I hogged my friend's digicam for a day.... with permission, but of course. Me is no rude cow....

1) Views from Foon Yew High School, and opposite the famous Foon Yew Rojak Petis Stall-so named because the 'uncle' peddles his rojak outside Foon Yew HS :P ohh... Foon Yew HS is facing a beach, and this is the beach from where I am taking pics.

Dilarang meletak kenderaan... obviously we weren't paying attention :P

View of Singapore from across the Strait.

Probably the nicest part of THIS particular stretch of beach.

Another view of Sg. from here.

Leaving what I'd refer to as 'Foon Yew HS beachstrip' and heading towards Danga Bay (which is rather nearby). The car stopped long enough at the traffic lights to let me take a view of this pier/jetty.

2) Danga Bay

Little boat... oohh.. little moving boat :P

Danga Bay Festive Street Mall: a fancy-schmancy name for a shopping complex. They have some nice bargain stuff. But I was broke, so I bought nothing :)

A pic of the street :P

There were a few lovely ?Malay houses here, and this was the nicest. Outside this house were many lovely orchid plants, in a variety of shapes and colours. There were other plants, too. And it got me all excited :) Love orchids, especially. Was in Orchid House in Secondary School, was in a Department for undergrad, where one of the most famous and notorious professors in the faculty and university was famed for her studies on orchids. Damn lab was filled with orchid plants :) Not that I was complaining. Most importantly, my mom plants orchids :) Too bad that as I was about to take pics of the plants, it started to rain rather heavily, and we had to run for shelter. By the time we got out, which was the time I took this pic, the plants were all covered :(

Danga Bay gateway

We got all excited when we saw this bird. Oh, you know. We don't get to see it in KL :P I've seen it in Kuching, though. By the way, can anyone tell me what this is? Heron? Egret? Stork? Ibis? I could never really tell the difference :)

Rays of light...

Cloud formation 1

Cloud formation 2

Calm not-so-blue sea :P

Again, cloud formation... and a vessel... :P

Danga Bay restaurants

Danga Bay beach

Lone boat floating...

Sunset over Danga Bay

Of course, being where we are, we must take pics of boats...

Aahhh... Fancy-schmancy Danga Bay International Restaurants. Here's where the bold and the beautiful people of JB come to see and be seen during the night. :) And the young come to paktoh during the day :P Me? Being neither bold and beautiful, nor young, I'm just a wannabe in lime green patterned beach shorts and a purple tank top :P I know, I know... Colour so the clashing :P SO?

See the yacht in the distance? Minus the sails, yeah..

Foon Yew High School has a kayak-ing team!! Damn, I wished my school had one, too! I was quite green with envy :)

Have you seen a cloud with a halo?? I was quite entranced :)

Here's a close-up

3) Leaving Danga Bay

Supposedly, I was told, and do not quote me here, this is the Clock Tower of JB. Apparently, every self-respecting reasonably old city should have a clock tower :P

I think this is the Sultan Abu Bakar Mosque. :) I sure hope I read the sign right.

The Palace Museum, JB. According to my friend, the royal family used to live here. Now, well, people come here to jog. The palace grounds is quite a lovely place for some exercising, apparently. Breathe the air the royals used to breathe :P

The stairway of the Palace Museum

TADA!! The tale of 23 November 2006 comes to an end. That's all, folks!!

Friday, November 24, 2006

Malaysia's greatest ability...

Malaysia's greatest ability...

is to waste taxpayer's money....

Yerdeh said that this site would interest me.


She was most certainly right. It most certainly did. I reckon that's 'cos it interested her, too. We share similar sentiments on certain issues. Because that was exactly what I felt when about a month ago, I saw the news spread on the FRONT PAGE of local newspapers. Malaysia's first MALE astronaut (emphasis mine). WHOOPDEEDOOO!!! Malaysia SO Boleh, you know? When people are dying around the world, and schools in the interior of Sabah, Sarawak, states like Kelantan, Terengganu and Pahang have little/ NO electricity to go by (but must have at least ONE computer in the school. The irony...) we SHOULD rejoice for sending a Malaysian penis of a certain disposition out to space by another country's space programme. Because we are Malaysians. And we should do what the government says we should do. Bow, and we shall bow. Skip, and we shall skip. Eat dirt, and by Tuhan Maha Esa, we shall eat dirt. Be silent, and we be silent. Call Singapore ingrates, and we should.

The writer most certainly hit the nail on the head when he wrote about KLCC. And Cyberjaya/ Putrajaya. I feel no pride in those. Those are not OUR achievements. Putrajaya is a dead bogus administrative city. Cyberjaya/ Putrajaya does not even have graffitti on its walls. Not because the inhabitants are such loyal, caring subjects.... but because... WHAT inhabitants? There is almost NOTHING there. Besides some companies, government administration and some colleges.

I take no pride in Sepang. Or KLIA. Our architects did not build all these. Neither did our civil engineers. How many Malaysians were involved in these from conception to birth, or even growth and maintenance? For me, these were MAJOR excesses. We waste good money on stupid toys that are quite useless other than as a white elephant. What do we need a tallest building in the world for? So we can feel how much it shakes when there's an earthquake in Indonesia? Wastefulness...

Tell me I'm wrong. But I'm of the opinion that if men would stop comparing the sizes of their guns, literally and figuratively, the world would be a much better place. Women are too busy going through mood swings, and dealing with menstrual cramps, and childbirth, and looking after their spouses' needs, and the needs of the children their men helped spawn but forgot to bring up to have time or energy for such idiocy. And then they need time to look after their own welfare, too. Just in case that penis of a man she hooked up with dumps her old, lardy ass for a pair of younger tits and a bigger mouth. Men so love their blows, after all. They may have two heads, but they can only use one at one time. More wastefulness...

At least, without such idiocy, there'd be more emphasis on the important things. Education, Welfare, Healthcare. Basic Human Rights. Not whose GUN is bigger than whose. Friggin' 'ell.

When I was studying in Serdang, the university was the cheapest before my intake. For my intake, the fees were considerably more expensive than other similar universities. The computer system was totally fucked, but the money we spent on fees were being used for the 'beautification' of the administration building. Lord above, I was spitting nails. Ugly, humongous, white, immoveable cement balls all around the admin building. That was what I was paying good money for. And YET there is no correlation between the Treasury, the Academic Office and the Student Affairs Department. WONDERFUL. But the money is spent on imbecilic white balls. YAY! Can you feel my joy, just thinking about it?

This ridiculous penchant for wasting money is the precise reason why certain people should not be allowed to hold office and be in control of Malaysia's economy (re: previous post). It is obviously so deeply rooted that, if they have it in the level of the grassroots (universities), what wishful thinking does one have that it won't happen at cabinet level? (Which it did, btw. At the Ministry of Science and Technology (the latest folly) to be precise. (re: Malaysia's bogus space programme))

I rest my case, babydolls. I rest my case.

Thursday, November 23, 2006



Yerdeh directed me to this URL, and wanted to know what I thought. I was about to post this answer on the person's comments, but thought I'd put it up as a post instead:

'well.... wow.... and they wonder why they're still poor? if every single Chink in M'sia left the country, cos we are 'immigrants', let's see how well the Malaysian economy would hold out. :) after 35 years, Bumiputras have 'SLOWLY gained back what has long belonged to them' to quote our 'brilliant friend' there. 35 years!! and it's still slow. what does that say about them, eh? ;) in that 35 years, how different Singapore with their 'marginalised Malays' have grown in terms of technology and economy! Do u hear Singaporean Malays making any noises about marginalisation? *yawn...* and the government complains about brain-drain. why stay in a country where lower life forms , like the idiot who wrote that letter, are being given superior treatment? why stay in a country that openly marginalises u and treats u like pondscum? there are times i feel so wonderfully appreciated... really... like now.'

You know, I have wonderful Muslim friends. They are brilliant, funny, smart. And they don't say stupid shit like that. Because they know that, in human relations, race and religion doesn't really matter. And I love them all: Madz, Hanie, Reza, to name just a very few off-hand.

I'd like to paraphrase Shakespeare in The Merchant of Venice, when Shylock said:

Hath not a *insert race/ religion here* eyes?
Hath not a *** hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?
Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons,
subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means,
warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a *** is?
If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
If you poison us, do we not die?

Really, doth not the same blood flow in our veins? Doth not the same flesh cover our bones? So what if the colour of our skin is different? We are all human. We feel, we care, we hurt. Could we please stop the hurting? Please? What good does it do to us?

:( what's this place coming to?

:( what's this place coming to?


This is terrible. I can't say much, being non-Muslim and all, but what is this place coming to?

I have to believe....

I have to believe....

that God walks with me every step of the way.

When I'm dragging my feet, he supports me still. When I'm down and out, and terribly fatigued, he holds me up.

I have to believe....

Friday, November 17, 2006

In Johor

In Johor

:) I is in Johor!! Woohoooo!!!!! ;) Will be sending postcards soon :P Much needed break from city life :) It was great to smell kampong air again :)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

i was bored...

i was bored...

Just got back from a get-together with a couple of my coursemates and an O&G we know. Yeahh... a lot to think about now in terms of career prospect. It's quite daunting.So I decided to entertain myself...

Here are two tests I did :P

Your Career Personality: Detail-Oriented, Observant, and Hard-Working

Your Ideal Careers:

Family counselor
Independent store owner
Interior decorator
Museum curator
Preschool teachers
Social worker
Stay at home parent

You Are 54% Feminine, 46% Masculine

You are in touch with both your feminine and masculine sides.
You're sensitive at the right times, but you don't let your emotions overwhelm you.
You're not a eunuch, just the best of both genders.

Hrmm... So I was right... Am not much of a girly girl... :P

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Fuck-me red shoes

Fuck-me red shoes

I've finally found me my perfect pair of fire-engine red fuck-me shoes. Peep-toe, approximately 4' high so I can actually walk in them, they're gorgeous, and I'm deliriously happy. A little tight, though, but a size larger causes my feet to slip. So I guess I won't be using them for anything more substantial than looking gloriously gorgeous :P Mmmm... ;) They came in a beautiful black, too. But I don't exactly grow money on trees, pity.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Doggie pics!

Doggie pics!

The long overdue pics :)

The Pups



Afro annoying China :D

Afro annoying Brazil :D

Africa and Brazil :D

No photo of Africa (Afro) on its own cos it was too busy a) eating b) disturbing the other pups :P Heh heh...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Courage in the Face of Fear

Courage in the Face of Fear

Thursday, November 9, 0347 hours

This blog is emotional and ponderous :P , and partially inspired by recent events and long evaluation (a result of nothing better to do :P). I doubt the person who inspired it reads my blog, but even so, I'm writing it anyway :P I need writing's cathartic effect to exorcise some personal demons.

There are days when I wish I were five again. Running around full of zest for life. Life was a wonder to explore. Everything was fresh, new, uncomplicated. And fear was not in the dictionary. Now that I am older, there are so many things to fear. Was it experiences that taught me that? Or was fear an acquired experience in itself?

Fear. What's the ultimate fear? Possibly the fear of failure. What I fear is the intangible things. What I fear most is, yes, precisely that. The fear of failure. The failure to see what is there. The failure to see what is NOT there. The failure to do what is right. The failure to SEE what is right. The failure to let go when I should. The fear of failure. I fear it. I have fallen into a depression so dark and so deep, I'm still learning how to handle the ramifications of it. Sometimes, the incident that caused it still gives me nightmares, and makes me wake up in the still of the night, shivering in cold sweat. That fear. That fear has driven contless people to suicide, some mistakenly thinking suicide to be the braver option in comparison to facing harsh, cold reality.

But, I wonder, is suicide really the better option? Me, being a Catholic, might not be a good judge of that, my thoughts on suicide certainly having been coloured by my faith. Suicide, in the eyes of the Catholic Church, is gravely forbidden by the fifth commandment, as 'it is a grave offense against the just love of God, of self and of neighbour' (methinks). Didn't the Bible call our body the temple of God?

Personally, I think suicide a short-sighted solution. It is, quite possibly, the ultimate sign of cowardice. For instance, say if Person A wants to commit suicide due to something that happened between Person A and Person B, has A ever thought of how his particular actions might affect B? So A was temporarily insane when he contemplated suicide, and in a moment of pure selfishness thought it was the easiest way all around, but did he ever think to wonder of how B would feel should he have taken his own life? There's a sad but beautiful song called 'Whiskey Lullaby' that describes the consequences of suicide pretty well. If B were me, I'd have loved to be sarcastic and tell A: 'Please, don't murder yourself on my account, I'd hate to have your guilt and death burdening my conscience.' Yes yes, I is stubborn, arrogant, elitist, moralistic *bleep*. Not to mention tude and crude as well. I know, I know, poor A would probably have jumped off a cliff there, thinking: 'B HATES ME!! I HATE ME!!' :P

Hrmm... I really do think coming face-to-face with our own weaknesses and faults, admitting we're wrong, taking responsibility for the ramifications of our own actions, and trying to get help to help ourselves is a way more difficult, painful and courageous option.

THAT is courage in the face of fear. And that's what I'm working towards. I hope I'm getting there.

When I decided to take a hiatus from blogging on the counsel of a dear and trusted friend due to her concerns, it was quite painful to hear what she had to say. But I listened, I contemplated, and I learnt. I hope I'm a better person for it. She wasn't all correct about me, but I wasn't all correct about me, either :) She doesn't quite understand how I need my writing for it's cathartic effect, though deeply personal, but I know what she was trying to say about not putting it all out there and finding options for my negative 'qi'.

We all need time to heal. This year is a year of many losses for me. It's a personal 'cleaning out my closet' year. And my... what cobwebs I find :P But all is not lost, however. I counted my blessings. And they were good. I'm counting my blessings still. Hopefully by the end of the year, the proverbial 'ka-ching' of the proverbial cash register would register a net gain.

:) Always look on the bright side of life and do not hold grudges, I think. It only serves to eat you up inside and make you bitter, angry, resentful, hateful. And in the end you loathe yourself as much as the one you loathe. No good for personal karma :) So I learn to let go. Better to let go of something that's making you feel sad, learn from it, and move forward than to hold on to that sadness and stay in a rut, isn't it? Careful, though. Moving forward and looking forward are two very different things. I think Bren and June would agree. Hor? :)

When one has fallen to the deepest end of the pit, there's no more way to go, but up, right? When in trouble (end of pit), wallowing in self-pity (avoiding the issue, getting angry, feeling sorry for myself) has never done me any good. Two wrongs never made a right. I have to get my hands dirty, sort through my shit (climbing my way up and out) and struggle to set myself free (getting out of said pit). Not easy is an understatement.

But I take comfort in knowing that Christ Himself suffered in His Paschal Mystery (His passion and death on the cross for us). You think He had it easy? :P When He suffered and died, He was true Man, and experienced the same pain we would have felt. When He conquered His fears, thus conquering death, that was when the Incarnate Son in accomplishing His divine plan, became the embodiment of true God. Which is why Christians the world over proclaim Christ to be both true Man and true God. The way of the Cross is filled with thorns, and like Simon of Cyrene, we stumble and fall along the way. But I think we shouldn't be discouraged. I'm not exactly good Christian example. In fact, I think I suck. Big time. I do, sometimes, try to incorporate Christianity into my day-to-day living. 'Cos that's what it means to be Christian, to me. There's more to Christianity than MLM-type church-planting. Christianity should encompass every facet of living.

And certainly, from all that I've learnt and experienced so far, Christianity is never the easier option. It is a struggle. I may have my own differences about the Church's stand on many issues, and those who know me well know about my concerns regarding organised religion and absolutism in its purest form, but I do agree with their stand regarding the sanctity of human life, human dignity, and thus, suicide. We should have the courage to work through our issues. Don't take the coward's way out. We might get burnt a little for it, but we shall come out on the other side burnished and tinged with maturity, having gone through trial and purification by fire. Life is scarier than death, really. With life comes great power. And we all know the popular quote on power. With great power, comes great responsibility. And that is the scary bit, isn't it?

Wouldn't you agree, though? What is there to fear about death? Apart from the sorrow of leaving behind what we know and love, and worked for. And having those we leave behind who love us feel sadness that we've gone. For me, it is in death that we celebrate life. Because what do we leave behind in our deaths? What legacy would we have left? It is the memory of us that is carried on in the hearts and minds of the friends that we have made. That memory is what outlives us.

I know I am being morbid here, but hey, I'm weird, right? Like I told a friend, I'm normal enough to know I'm weird, but weird enough to not really care. I shouldn't let society's norms dictate what makes me happy :D I should find my own path, and go out in a blaze of glory! ;)

And I hope that at my death, I would have touched enough people in my life to be remembered with fondness. And my friends would give me a 'MOVING, SOULFUL EULOGY'... Yes?.... Girls?......... Ermmm.... Boys?.......... *deafening...... magnanimous....... SILENCE........* me: sighs..... :P

Currently listening to: Brad Paisley, Alison Krauss-Whiskey Lullaby
Currently reading: Compendium of the Catechism of the Catholic Church
Currently craving for: Pork trotters in soy sauce and black vinegar :P

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Losing my Connection

Losing my Connection

It's been said that if you love something/ someone, let it go, and if it comes back to you, it's yours. I don't know if it's true. What I do know is that it's pointless holding on to something/ someone that doesn't a) belong to you, b) want to be yours. What I do know, also, is that life is precious, and that time is short, and we should live life to the hilt whilst we can. Carpe Diem, Carpe Noctum! :) Easier said than done, no?

There are so many restrictions. Physical, emotional, psychological. There are so many voices in my head, sometimes I do not know who to listen to. One pulling me this way, another pulling me that way. There are days I wish I were the Indian goddess with a thousand hands. Other days I wish I had the power of omnipresence. But I don't, I am but human after all. And I make do.

Funny the twists and turns of life. Funny how you wish you could run away from your past, but it always catches up with you. Funny how you try to change yourself, but in the end, your essence remains the same, and you are still who you always were, and always will be. And how your closest friends could sometimes know you better than you know yourself. And how sometimes the people you just met could read you better than you'd like. And how you can't outrun yourself. Or lie to yourself. Funny how there are things you wish you could forget, and you thought you had put them behind you, buried deeply in the darkest recesses of your mind, in a proverbial oak trunk whose key you thought you had tossed down the proverbial Marina Trench, but drat that trigger-memory, because somehow, somewhere, something, sometime, they would come back to haunt you. The people you chose, the decisions you made, the path not taken... 'What if..', 'If only..'. These are the most painful phrases in the English language. Life throws us curve balls. How do we know we are making the right choices when it does?

And funny how you meet the people you thought you'd never meet again/ perhaps you wish you'd never meet again under the strangest of circumstances. What are the chances? What's the probability? In a train station, when the person normally drives. In a church, in the very pew you are sitting on, on your first day there, when you normally don't go to church, and the person, if you remember right, wasn't much of a church person either. In a mamak, with your friends. At work, in an industry so different from which either of you trained for. At a music festival. Walking home through a park, and the person was jogging. In a shopping complex. Is this place getting too close for comfort? Some reacquaintances are delightful, some are not.

Ghosts from the past. Would there be apparitions from the future? Deja vu.

Funny, too, how prayers are answered. I do believe God answers all my prayers. In His own way, in His own time. Perhaps not how I wish it to be, but in a way that makes me stronger. I have to remind myself always: do we pray because we want something, out of selfish reasons, as a means to obtain what we want, or do we pray because it's God's will we're seeking to fulfil? Filial trust. All faith is blind, therefore, it's important to choose wisely in whom to place one's faith. Am I wrong? I do not know. Someday I'll find out.

I miss my internet connection. It's the one thing linking me to human civilisation, sometimes :) Since I must make use of the Internet when I can, and be thankful of what I have when I have it, I shall blog when I can :) My blog-draught is semi-over :P No daily blogging, though. I shall blog when I have the chance, and when I damn well please :D

Doggie pictures not here. Will post it up when I can :)

Thursday, October 12, 2006

the emotional post

the emotional post

*warning: this is an extremely personal post. don't read it if u can't stomach it.

maybe i'm hurting myself.
maybe in the process i hurt those who care for me.
maybe my approach is wrong.
maybe i am wrong.
maybe it's time to make a change.

i've never really been able to talk to many people in my life. having had strict parents, there were a lot of things i didn't say or do. and my social circle was rather limited. as a child, i was extremely sheltered. writing had always been an outlet, a vent, and an avenue for me to express myself. it is in the impersonal squiggles of the black and white that i found the strength to pour out how i truly felt about things. it was at first, long sheets of lined foolscape paper on which i penned my frustrations. but i always shredded them or burnt them because i didn't want my parents to find them. and then i discovered the joys of blogging. and my, at first, anonymous blog on livejournal became a place for distant friends to share my thoughts. but livejournal afforded me the type of private posting that i cherished, to keep painful thought processes out of prying eyes.

when i switched to blogspot that allowed me the customisation i liked, i lost that private blogging space, and everything became public. my rants, my struggles for composure, for personal growth, against personal demons. my long, angry rants are perhaps a little public now, and perhaps a little painful for some friends to read. perhaps more than a little burdensome and boring too.

perhaps now i need time to re-group, and to take stock of how best to proceed. perhaps this is the right time to have a major spring-cleaning and to throw out what no longer works for me. i'm semi-retiring from friendster. like the NEP, it has outlived it's usefulness and has gotten rather tacky.

and i'm taking a hiatus from this blog. for awhile. i need personal space. i need to struggle on my own for awhile. hopefully i'll find the strength to pull through a difficult period. hopefully, like the phoenix, i shall go through flames and be re-born a better person: stronger, if not wiser, at least a little more mature. maybe i need to re-connect with people and reality rather than put my thoughts out on a virtual space.

well, at least i'll try. but before i go, i promise to post up pictures of something that makes me happy and brings me peace: animals. i have some pics of doggie-woggies i'd like to share. at least i'll be taking a hike from the www on a positive note.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

social equality vs romance

social equality vs romance

Don't read this if you don't want to read another rant. A guy friend of mine says I should learn to do the asking, if I were interested in a guy. Meaning, I should be telling him: 'I like you.' Because he won't answer me if I ask: 'Do you like me?' Why? Because I'm being a sexist if I want him to do the asking. If we women fight for social equality, then it should extend to relationships, and we should also start doing the asking. Right...

I know Savante has written about the double standards of social equality before, I think I read it in one of his archives, but here's from a woman's P.O.V.

I think everything in life, like the ultrasound system, is seen in grayscale. Nothing's black and white. The lines are blurred because it's the only way it could work. But we try to make it as fair as we possibly can.

But when it comes to romance, it's a little different. Women like being nurtured, and courted and wooed. Even the most hardened feminist among us. Women like romance, you know? And to feel like a woman. I know it's sad now when chivalry has died, but it's nice to meet a man who knows how to make you feel like a woman for once.

I wondered if I was the only freak out there who likes a man to do the asking, and so I asked a friend of mine in a happy relationship, who's as ambitious and feminist as they come on msn. Here's the conversation:

*names have been changed to protect privacy

NoF says:
lemme ask u something. do u think a guy should speak first, or the girl, if they both seem to like each other?
NoF says:
well, u know?
NoF says:
did u tell ur bf u liked him first?
A says:
eh... i dunno.. i'm not one for words
A says:
so it's like, i saw that he was always calling me, then touching my hair, so i knew la
A says:
he told me because he got cornered by my friend who was tired of watching us tiptoe-ing around each other
NoF says:
but would u tell a guy?
NoF says:
cos i wouldnt. n a guy friend said i was hypocritical about social equality
A says:
hahahah well lemme think
A says:
hmm nope
A says:
i might be more touchy feely tho
NoF says:
i think this is different, u know?
NoF says:
social equality is one thing
NoF says:
romance is another
NoF says:
it's NICE to know a guy LIKES u ENOUGH to try to make that EFFORT, dammit
NoF says:
so fine, i'm a social hypocrite. but i want it, i expect it, n i like it like that. is that so wrong? let's call it a preference
A says:
heheheh who's making u so frustrated la
NoF says:
ahhh.. this guy friend of mine is asking me why i wouldnt make the first move
A says:
ohhh... ceh tell him u only date men with balls to pursue the girl... hurhur
NoF says:
it's nothing about social equality
NoF says:
X is as ambitious as they come
NoF says:
but she'd like Y to buy her flowers and court her nicely, wouldn't she?
A says:
yes i should think so
NoF says:
ur bf buys u ****** (gadgety stuff la), but u WOULD like that yucky-sweet heart shaped pendant studded with cubic zirconia
NoF says:
even IF it was JUST stainless steel and cubic zirconia
NoF says:
sighs.. men. they can be SO DUMB DUMB
A says:
hahahaha well i've resigned myself to the fact that my bf is not a romantic
A says:
i know.. bet u my next present will be a toaster
NoF says:
nvm next time i see it, i'd tell him: B, BUY THAT FOR A. she'd jump ur bones
NoF says:
NoF says:
yeah, tell him BUY, u wont regret it. sex whole night long :P
A says:
hehehehe no need la.. i'm happy enough that he opens the car door for me
A says:
and asks me in a mock serious tone whether he needs to warm the seat first
NoF says:
err.. but if he really does buy, u really have to give him sex all night long or he'll have my neck: NoF! U CHEAT MY MARNEE!!
NoF says:
NoF says:
well ya
NoF says:
u can just say: gimme money for my next bday
NoF says:
i buy my own pressie :P
A says:
heheheheheh u silly
NoF says:
social equality! gawd.. i wanted to strangle him. of course i dont expect men to pay for every meal, they'd go broke
NoF says:
but it's nice to offer, right?
A says:
A says:
very rare la nowadays
NoF says:
NoF says:
social equality
NoF says:
if all women really advocated social equality
NoF says:
sleep around like no tomorrow
NoF says:
decide one morning to be mothers and just go for IVFs rather than look for husbands
NoF says:
i'll see how they LIKE social equality
A says:
hahahah NoF u're really pissed!
NoF says:
wahliew.. in relationships got social equality
NoF says:
but in workplace dun have lah
NoF says:
kanineh man
NoF says:
on the roads no lah
NoF says:
stupid driver: MUST be WOMAN
NoF says:
lousy boss: MUST be WOMAN. thieww
A says:
but it's good in some ways.. we control them by pretending to be stupid lil weaklings so they have to do everything ;)
NoF says:
not if u got urself a social equality kinda man, nope
NoF says:
woman do the chasing
NoF says:
woman do the asking
NoF says:
woman do the talking
NoF says:
woman do the cleaning
NoF says:
woman do the working
NoF says:
woman do the childbearing
A says:
bleh then don't date these kinda ppl lor
NoF says:
like i said. i might as well get me a huge ass dildo and an IVF baby
NoF says:
i think, dear.
NoF says:
social equality isn't about same-ness
NoF says:
it's about choice
NoF says:
the choice to have children or not
NoF says:
the choice to live or die (as in euthanasia)
NoF says:
whether or not we condone it
NoF says:
it's a choice open for us
NoF says:
not to be misused in that way
A says:
yes it is, well said hon
NoF says:
the choice for men to stay at home n be househusbands if both parties agree to it
NoF says:
its the blurring of traditional gender roles. n the choice to be different
NoF says:
NoF says:
i'm disappointed
A says:
*hugs* dun get upset
A says:
distract urself with thoughts of hugging little doggies
A says:
i gtg k? balik liaoooo
NoF says:

Was I wrong? Am I wrong? I think Germain Greer would say that women are sometimes getting the shorter end of the stick nowadays. But that's what I honestly feel.

I'm disappointed.

If women were to really advocate social equality and behave the way men do, and, like Renee Zellweger's famour character in Down With Love, have sex a la carte, and have IVF babies when they want to be mothers without bothering with a husband, use a dildo for battery-powered sexual satisfaction, go and get a man when they want the occasional human vibrator, and toss him out once he's done his job before the night is out, I don't think men would be too happy. But for most women, it's a rather cold existence. Although it's a tempting prospect if men start getting too full of themselves and start taking women for granted.

I think there's a lot to be said for a woman's lot in life. And yet, men and women should learn how to compromise and complement one another.

I do think social equality is about choice. Not about same-ness. We can't be the same as men. We're physically different. Biologically different. Mentally different. Emotionally different. But it doesn't mean we're unequal. A man is made to fit a woman, just as a woman is made to fit a man. Why is that so hard to comprehend?

Social equality is about choice. It's about the choice and the chance to make difficult decisions without persecution and stigma. It's about basic human rights. It's about the choice to work so that there would be enough food to feed a family. It's about choice to NOT work if you want to and have the money. It's about choice to have children if you want them and can afford to feed them. It's about choice to NOT have children if you don't want them and cannot afford to keep them, or if they would be better off dead than alive. It's about choice to move about freely. It's about choice to live or die. It's about choices. Whether or not we condone it. But at least it's there when the decision is upon us. It's about the blurring of traditional gender roles, because we can, and because it's ok to. It's about freedom to be different. It's about freedom. Period.

It's NOT to be misused to get what we want, or what we think we want. It's NOT about forcing someone to do something they don't want to because they feel compelled to in the name of equality. That's emotional blackmail. That's no longer choice. And it's no longer freedom.

I WANT to be courted gently. I WANT to be asked nicely. I WANT to keep my virginity till the right man comes along. I WANT trust and respect and communication. It's my CHOICE. It's my FREEDOM. And I invoke that RIGHT under social equality. And if a man got no balls enough to tell me he likes me and to ask me out on a nice date, then well, maybe I shouldn't be kissing him in the first place now, should I? Time to get that curved, ribbed, huge ass dildo and to put my name up for IVF. That way at least I can be a mother, even if I can't be a wife. And maybe, if I get a son, I can teach him how to treat women right, and how to have some old-school charm.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006



Just a thought. Funny how people (believers and non-believers alike) turn to the Creator/ Almighty in times of extreme emotion... It's as though at moments like these, only a cry to someone/ something greater than ourselves would suffice, and we need to reach out to that Supreme Being.

Case in point:

In extreme anger: OMG!!

In extreme pain: OMG!!

In exreme frustration: OMG!!

In extreme despair: OMG!!

and of course, everyone's personal favourite,

In extreme passion/ lust: OMFG!! or just: OMG!!!!!! YES!! OMG!!!!!!!!

:P back to me books... UGH... OMG!!! Hehheh....

;) short post to make up for longest post of century? :P



NOW, is that better? I doubt Bren would read it anyway, but maybe some others might :P So, Davi, since i broke it down for you... :P Ahh, well, never mind lah. I was frustrated, it tickled my fancy to write a long Form 6 General Paper type of essay (except I'd fail Form 6 if I wrote that in exams :P) and I just had to put all that down :P That's for my reading pleasure in case I feel stupid one of these days. Kekeke...

more shit... Part. 4

more shit... Part. 4

And yet what has the current administration been doing? The 9th MP and recent Budget only goes to show that there is little that is being done to change the current situation or take the country forward. It retains the legacies of the M-era. It continues to favour the lazy way out of the NEP and the (ugly four-letter word starting with r)-based affirmative action policy that mollycoddles a particular group. That does little to help change the mindset or 'culture' of said people. Instead it instills corruption, overdependence on their pride and government aid. What's the 'in' word for it now? Ahh yes... 'rent-seeking'. I think the NEP has overstayed its welcome and outlived its purpose and usefulness. Yes, after the independence, it might have been useful to close the gap in racial economic disparity, but now, now it is being abused and misused. Not by all of said group of people, but by enough. I wonder why. I have many brilliant friends from this group of people. They are where they are in their own right. And they find it distasteful that others assume they got where they are due to governmental aid. Because they really ARE good. It is sad that a plan first formulated to aid has been abused to such an extent that it is now a huge joke. But the fact that such policy still remains goes to show how the administration lacks *****.

What have they been doing instead? Ahhh yesss..... intimidate bloggers and threaten to do all sorts of unmentionables to those who appear to 'slander' the G-word through blogs. I wonder what their definition of the word 'slander' is? It's a perfectly innocent question, of course! One must know these things. It's like Bill asking what the definition for SEX and ORAL SEX is, y'know?

The state of the Malaysian economy is in a sad, sad rut. While countries like China have tripled or even quadrupled their GDP in the past 10 year since the Asian economic crisis, what have we to show, really? We are getting older, and yet we have achieved very little. Apart from, of course, political entertainment via mudslinging and what-nots. Soap opera, bay-beh, I'm tellin' ya. Stop watching the O. C. and One Three Hill and The Bold and The Beautiful. Stop those re-runs of Dynasty, Dallas and Santa Barbara. THIS is the real thing. Politics, power, ethno-religious tensions, imbecilic incendiary statements, sex and beautiful Pan-Asian models all in one mix. Oh... and disgruntled old men, too. YEAH...

The world is getting more and more competitive. We should be learning to prepare ourselves for such global competitiveness and our administration should be learning how to spearhead this goal whilst balancing socio-economic justice, instead of wasting time on selfish childs' play. Really, it's about time all of us grew up. Doesn't anyone know about John Nash's economic theory? Well then, watch A Beautiful Mind. In a nutshell? One should consider not just the benefits for oneself, but also the benefits for the group as a whole in order to achieve optimum success. Also please, if one is relatively new, and leading a group of people, learn the McDonald's theory. What's it, you ask? Go for the tried-and-tested. Go for the familiar. Don't go into unchartered and unknown territory unprepared (e.g. biotech). Notice how McDs only come to a town/ city that is 'advanced' and 'prepared' enough for fast food, and has enough people living in the area so they won't make a loss? For fuckssakes' it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Oh wait... they are politicians.... not economists!! My bad....

BLAH... too much to comment about. This is already a very long post, as it is. I AM, after all, supposed to be a brainless lotus flower swaying in the winds and waters and not know anything about politics, or anything, actually, except how to please a future husband, and look after children and a household. I should just be flaunting as discreetly and demurely as possible my titties and arse without seeming too forward, too bright, too obvious or too direct so as to optimise my chances of snaring as 'wunnerful!' and as high up the social ladder as possible a future husband. I am female. I should pander to the silly male ego. Yeah, watch me gag and squirm in my societal 'handcuffs'. Forgive me for having a brain.

You think I'm gonna be going to jail for saying these and having a brain? If so, let's have a going-away party for me, eh?

Why am I writing all these and letting unknowns pick my brain? I should be studying instead...

more shit... Part. 3

more shit... Part. 3

Hits the current socio-economical and political situation in Malaysia right on the head, doesn't it? And yet, in some strange way, he was the man to have brought the current rut about. As Education Minister in the late 70s (if I am not mistaken) and then PM, he insisted on the KBSR/ KBSM scheme that, in my humble opinion brought about the decline of the Malaysian education system. My parents are both teachers. I hear them lament about the sorry state of students batch after batch after batch for the past 20+ years. Though it seems as though results are improving year after year, it is actually to cover up the continuing rot. He too, was the man who turned the national school system into a system so divisive that I think at LEAST 80/85% (and in some schools, 100%) of national schools consists of only one race, and forcing other races to opt out. And he was also the one who presided over the period where he changed 'Bantuan' schools (whose intake was previously controlled) into 'Kebangsaan' schools and force-fed the influx of a particular race that encouraged the further decline of those schools, specifically, and the education system, generally.

When it comes to the Judicial System, he too, made several publicly and widely criticised moves in the late 80s to further consolidate his power and turn the judiciary system into something more pro-government. This, I find very sad because the judiciary is supposed to be a form of checks and balances against the legislature and the executive to ensure that we get to be as proper a democracy as politically possible. Of course, different nations would require different forms of democracy, but the judiciary is the one branch that should be as autonomous and independent as possible. To cuckold the judiciary in an attempt to dismantle its power and role can be equated to removing the first and most important piling of one of his favourite showpiece construction projects.

Wasn't he also the one who was extremely heavy-handed when it came to press freedom?Wasn't he the man who resorted to Operasi Lalang in October 1987 that shut down 4 newspapers and detained so many men and women (if I remember right, probably approx. 100?)?

People in glass houses should not throw stones. I'm no fan of the present administration either. I think the Lord High Mighty at present should not give so much power to a man who obviously is trying to push him aside and who makes snide, arrogant, unchecked comments against other races who also help build up this country and call it home. But wasn't Dr M also guilty of cronyism and patronage? Why push for Proton and heavy industries such as steel and ridiculous showpiece mega construction projects when it costs taxpayers so much, and we were obviously not prepared for it? And we would have been better off in industries that relied more on natural resources and its' development instead? He destroyed a great deal of natural resources in the Bakun Dam Project(very sore point with me... all that natural reserve and resources!!), by giving concession to Ting Pek Khiing, and what is there to show for it? As for Proton: Why is it that Proton cars have not improved since the first Saga was introduced nearly 20 years ago? The front windows still have problems. There's more, but I am wasting blog space complaining about something that is totally useless, because no one seem to be willing to do anything about those goddamn cars.

As for more complaints on cronyism and patronage, I wonder if he is aware that Malaysia is an example cited in international financial/ corporate law papers as an example of lack of/ poor corporate and public governance, especially in the late 90s era due to buyouts (aka bailouts) and takeovers, most notably of the UEM/ Renong fiasco. Reasons cited (NOT in local papers, of course, it's just the rumour mill) for the blackout left in the wake of the fiasco for UEM shareholders? Halim Saad's ties with the former PM. Wasn't the good man supposed to re-purchase Renong's shares to appease the frothing public? Why was there silence instead?

What about the e-Valley? Why push the country into the electronics industry when obviously we weren't ready for it either, and China and India are obviously very competitive and has way greater expertise? Now our country is over-saturated with IT graduates, and there is not enough job opportunities for them.

Nope, our former PM definitely ain't so angel. He was seriously responsible for the rot that his successor has too little willpower, or too little intention, or too little ***** to rectify. In fact, thanks to KJ, it seems the rot is spreading. I suppose there is little for me to do but to sit back and watch our own political WWF with it's mudslinging, soap opera-ish screeching, screaming, back-and-forth insulting, 'crotch-grabbing' and what-nots. Should be entertaining, to say the least, eh?

BOWING UNDER PRESSURE :P more shit... Part. 2

more shit.... Part. 2

I shall put up his essay for my readers' perusal, which would probably bore them to death. Yeah, I never claimed to be not boring. I like dry books on politics, sociology, psychology, and ethno-religious tensions. Yep, and religion.

May I remind those who read this that I was never a big fan of our former PM. In all honesty, I could never admire a man who sanctioned and strengthened the utilisation of such hideous sneaky forms of torture as the ISA or the OSA or such frightening show of brute force as the 1987's Operasi Lalang. What I do admire is his audacity and ruthlessness in consolidating his power. I bet he took a page out of Sun Tzu and Machiavelli there, but my admiration is equal to those of the 9/11 suicide bombers of the World Trade Center. It takes a certain amount of coldness to let something like that happen. It must be driven by a want so all-consuming that one can shove aside one's moral code and ethics. But this is getting dangerous, and I digress.

Here is the essay:


The New Malay Dilemma
By former Prime Minister Dr. Mahathir Mohamad
Aug 22, 2006

The Malays are among the few people whose race is legally defined. Thus, the Malaysian constitution states that a Malay is one who habitually speaks Malay, professes the religion of Islam and practises Malay customs. There is nothing said about the definitive culture of the Malays. It follows that changes in culture do not make a Malay person a non-Malay. Culture is made up largely of the value systems accepted, even if not actually practiced by a people or a race. Observations have shown that the culture of a people determines whether they are successful or they fail... Europeans, Asians, Africans and American Indians can all be successful and can all fail. It is, therefore, not the race or ethnicity which determines success. It is the culture.

When I wrote The Malay Dilemma in the late 60s, I had assumed that all the Malays lacked the opportunities to develop and become successful. They lacked opportunities for educating themselves, opportunities to earn enough to go into business, opportunities to train in the required vocation, opportunities to obtain the necessary funding, licences and premises. If these opportunities could be made available to them, then they would succeed... But today, the attitude has changed. Getting scholarships and places in the universities at home and abroad is considered a matter of right and is not valued any more. Indeed, those who get these educational opportunities for some unknown reason seem to dislike the very people who created these opportunities. Worse still, they don't seem to appreciate the opportunities that they get. They become more interested in other things, politics in particular, to the detriment of their studies. In business, the vast majority regarded the opportunities given them as something to be exploited for the quickest return... They learn nothing about business and become even less capable at doing business and earning an income from their activities. They become mere sleeping partners and at times not even that. Having sold, they no longer have anything to do with the business. They would go to the government for more licences, permits, shares, etc... Why has this thing happened? The answer lies in the culture of the Malays. They are laid-back and prone to take the easy way out. And the easy way out is to sell off whatever they get and ask for more. This is their culture. Working hard, taking risks and being patient is not a part of their culture. It should be remembered that in the past the Malays were not prepared to take up the jobs created by the colonial powers in their effort to exploit the country. Because the Malays were not prepared to work in rubber estates and the mines, the Indians and Chinese were brought in. At one time, the migrants outnumbered the Malays. Had they continued to outnumber the Malays, independent Malaya would be like independent Singapore.

But the Malays have apparently learnt nothing from the near loss of their country in the past. Today, they are still unwilling to work and foreign workers are again flooding the country. And because they are not equipping themselves with the necessary education and skills, they have continued to depend on others. Their political dominance will protect them for a time. But that dominance is fading very fast as they quarrel among themselves and break up into small ineffective groups. Their numerical superiority means less today than at the time of independence... The Malays, together with the other Bumiputeras, make up 60 per cent of the country's population. But in terms of their political clout, it is now much less than 60 per cent. They are now more dependent on non-Malay support, both the government party and the opposition. Economically, of course, they have less than half the 30-per-cent share that has been allocated to them. If we discount the non-Malay contribution to the nation's economy, Malaysia would be not much better than some of the African developing countries.

To succeed, the Malays must change their culture. They must look towards work as a reward in itself. They must regard what they achieve through work as the true reward. There should be some financial reward but this must not outweigh the satisfaction obtained from the result of their work. Changing culture is far more difficult than changing the policies of government. It is easy enough to propose affirmative action but it is not easy to implement it. The recipients must have the right attitude if the results are going to be obtained... Unfortunately, their view is that their crutches are symbols of their superior status in the country. The sad thing is that they are not even using the crutches properly. As a result, they gain nothing or very little from the availability of these aids. So what is the new Malay dilemma? Their old dilemma was whether they should distort the picture a little in order to help themselves. The new dilemma is whether they should or should not do away with the crutches that they have got used to, which in fact they have become proud of. There is a minority of Malays who are confident enough to think of doing away with the crutches, albeit gradually. But they are a very small minority. Their numbers are not going to increase any time soon. They are generally regarded as traitors to the Malay race...

There will be a host of protests over this generalisation about Malay attitudes. We read almost every day about blind Malay people and other handicapped Malays graduating with university degrees or driving cars or doing all kinds of work. This does not prove that the generalisation that I make is wrong. These are exceptions. They only prove that if the right attitude or culture is adopted, even the handicapped can succeed. The dilemma faced by those few who want to build a strong, resilient and independent Malay race without crutches is that they are most likely to end up becoming unpopular and losing the ability to influence the changes in the culture and the value system which are necessary.It seems that they should not try and yet they know that without the cultural changes, the Malays are going to fail.