Friday, July 24, 2009

What's this feeling?

You say it's emotional blackmail.

Maybe you're in denial, maybe it's something that you can't even imagine... but the truth is that it's nothing of the sort... It's what I'm really feeling.

It's that emptiness inside me.

It's that feeling of neglect.

It's that despair engulfing me.

It's loneliness so sharp, it's almost tangible.

It's the feeling I first felt and let fester before I parted ways with you.

Except the last time, it was matched with my anger.

This time around, it's just sadness that I feel. So much sadness, it's like a blanket around me.

I think I'm too tired to get angry anymore.

I guess I finally figured out I can't and I shouldn't bother with anyone who doesn't care to make me feel wanted and needed.

What's this feeling? What's this I'm feeling?

I don't know, really.

Maybe one day, when I open myself up to the world again, and you come across this, you can let me know.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Killing Each Other....

I do get it...

Like my manager, when you're upset, the whole world knows about it. Especially those close to you. I wonder if that's because you have higher expectations of your closed ones. You can't exactly snap at someone you're working with all the time.

You can't help yourself, that's how you are.

And like my manager's friend who happens to be her teammate, it's hard for me to wonder if it's personal.

Unlike my manager, whom to a certain extent, I keep a certain distance from, cos I still do work under her, I can't keep my distance from you.

And maybe that's where the problem lies....

I don't blame you. That's how you are....

Yet when you snap like that, I can't help but wonder if it's personal... cos that's how I am.... I care, I nurture, I try to understand and I can't help but take things to heart at times.

So there's that.

On the one hand there's you. When you get moody, you snap at whoever's near.

And on the other hand, there's me. I foolishly run in to try to fix your wounds even when you bite.

There's you. And there's me.

Is it possible to marry both without us killing each other one day?

Feeling Useless

I guess I only make matters worse for u.

So I guess I should take myself out of the equation.

For everyone's sake. Yours and mine.

It's not helping, missing u like this.

Somehow it seems to hurt us both more.

I've been wondering of late, if between us, we are not meant to be.

So I guess, if this works out, it'll work out.

That's the only thing left to say.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Inevitable Dissonance

What do you look forward to daily?

For me, it was to get on the phone and talk to you.

Because for me, what's the point of being part of two, if I don't look forward to seeing/ speaking to you at the end of each day?

Yet I find that harder and harder to do as the days go by.

I remember once, many moons ago, when you told me that you looked forward to waking up in the morning to talk to me, and the end of each day, to talk to me, too.

I guess.... those were feelings of first bloom.

I wonder when we'd end up being strangers to each other, without us realising that it's already happened....?

I wonder how many twosomes end up drifting apart from one another without realising it, and one day, just waking up to find out that you no longer know the person you're with, who's right next to you... and you wonder if you love them, or you're just too tired of getting back in the game.

I think that's sad. And yet, nowadays I wonder if for some, sometimes that's inevitable.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I don't want to hate....

That's why I want to be alone for awhile.

I don't know what to think and what to feel anymore.

Seriously, I don't know what to do.

I wonder if it's time to let go completely, and just let the river of fate take it's course.

It makes me sad.

It shouldn't be hard.

It shouldn't be forced.

It should be easy, happy, gentle and free.

Why is it this way?

I was at work early today. I couldn't sleep. My eyes were swollen from a whole night's worth of tears.

I had been afraid about my mid-year review. But I did rather well. I achieved 130% of my target revenue. And my bosses seem happy with my work thus far.

So my professional life has been straightened out. Why is my personal one such a mess?

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Woman in the Mirror

There was a reason we broke up in the first place.

There was more than one.

And those are reasons that I can't ignore.

If they don't go away, we can stand here over and over again, and nothing will change.

So I think... I'm letting these bad vibes go.

Something has to change. Or someone has to.

I guess it's got to start with the woman in the mirror.