Tuesday, October 30, 2007

work, cats, people....

it's Tuesday, and my work is still stuck. damn, this sucks.

and i couldn't make that trip North for nothing.

moving to a houseful of cats. there are 3 new month-old kittens i have to help look after :) with pleasure. they're adorable! damn cute :D one is going for a mind-boggling 4000 Euros. hotdamn...

the cantor asked me to move into MPM's room, maybe next year. i'm kinda torn, cos i've kinda committed to this one. guess we'll just have to see. when he told me, though, the thought of moving into a room-ful of memories now, strangely affects me only about as much as moving into a room previously lived in by cats :P

that's when it struck me: it's so over :) i was so relieved. and i would be lying if i didn't say the realisation filled me with joy :)

all's well that end's well, i suppose.

the psycho bought herself some new stuff. my reaction: O.O aiiii-jjjoooooooorrrrrrrrr!!!!!! and she's waxing horny lyrical over phones..... i need to find her a man. quick! she's having orgasms over communication devices' user interfaces.... *rolls eyes*

i swear we'd be an old married couple if we both didn't like men so much. or at least, the aesthetic beauty of the male body/apparatus.

i cook, she cleans. she sweeps, i'd mop. we'd be sitting in her car, and she'd take the parking ticket, n i'd immediately reach for it, n put it in a particular compartment in her purse. n wind up the window. no exchange of words. then when she parks, i'd remember to make sure she DID lock the car. cos she's OCD like that :P

it'd always end up:
*parks, gets out*
*walks a few steps, she turns around* I locked the car, right?
*me, doesn't stop walking* You locked the car.
Ok, thanks.


this was what a friend said to another friend: they're so different from each other ya? to which the friend replied: ya, they're so different. don't know how they became good friends. :P

seriously, u know u've known someone WAAAAAYYYYY too long when they can text u one saturday at mid-day, thus: (and i quote verbatim) Hey bum, u done wankg? Wana go lunch or sumwhr?


known someone for way too long and way too well indeed. :P I swear sometimes familiarity breeds contempt!!

Friday, October 26, 2007


Thursday, 25.10.2007. 2151 hours.

My aunt is going on the pacemaker tomorrow. She fainted and her heart just stopped beating.

When mami called and I spoke to her, she sounded so different. So weak. So frail. So unlike the woman I so vividly remembered from my youth.

She was so vivacious, so energetic. Always so full of vitality, spirit. She always looked and acted way younger than her 62 years. Even last month, when I spoke to her, she still had that spark. That laughter in her voice.

How different that now she sounded like she was at death's door already, and I felt so lost for words. How to comfort her? How to make her smile? Her husband passed away when I was 18 from kidney failure. Her youngest boy is only a year older than I. She worries about him still. What can I say to make her feel better?

Here is a woman of strength, who still managed to build a substantially successful business and send her 3 children to Australia on a Form 3 education, who became Lion's Club President in a male-dominated small town.

Who stood up for her daughter when she felt her daughter was being put down, and she needed her. Who put up with me when I visited my grandmother alone.

I feel bereft already. Mami always did say I was more like her sister than I was like her. Rooster women, she said. Rooster women were strong. Rooster women were ambitious. Rooster women had fire. Rooster women don't give up.

I sure hope so. I pray to God that's true. She's too young. Not like this anyway. Not like this.

Asphyxiated Exhibit

Thursday, 25.10.2007. 1838 hours.

Today I felt as though I were a museum exhibit on display.

To be stared at, prodded, gawked at, quizzed about.

I know it's just the paranoia in me, but I couldn't help feeling like that.

I'm unused to unsolicited attention.

First by my friends, then by his friends.

Add the frustration of going nowhere with my stalled work, and the SLP being downright abrasive, and I felt ready to implode.

My privacy and my stagefright are probably two of several of my well-kept secrets.

Since both are going to ashes, I might as well come clean with them.

Like I told J around this time last year, though among my schoolmates (J's one of them), I was a known retired public-speaker, what they didn't know was how I'd break out in cold cold sweat, and my hands would shake each time I go out on stage. My father's training, and later my own public-speaking taught me to hide that initial nervousness. And obviously I learnt to do it well enough for people to not notice.

It's the same with my privacy. Behind the aggressive behaviour, the crazy laughter and the psychotic smile, I'm actually a very shy and intensely private person. I've trained myself to blush less. To ignore certain things. Yes, I'm used to a certain amount of attention. Doesn't mean I like all of it. Which is why I try to protect my privacy as much as possible. At least the innermost sanctuary where my many multiple personalities dwell. What's private to me, may not be private to someone else. To each their own.

I keep plenty of things close to my chest, I dislike laying down all my cards at once on the table to a person. Until I trust the person enough, am comfortable enough with sharing.

I dislike my private space disturbed. Few people know where I stay, even less are allowed into my room. Some call it anal, some call it freaky, but I like it that way. I make no apologies for my quirks.

My thoughts are even more so. I'm annoyed especially, with the SLP because he's an Extremely Invasive Man. Some things people just don't wanna tell you. Don't push it already. It's intrusive. A Transvaginal Ultrasound Scan plus Cervical Pap Smear is preferable to some of his choicest questions. For instance: "How can your father know everything. You mean he even knows who and how many men you had sex with?" This was less than a month from meeting him. And in front of colleagues to boot. I was so angry I could combust. No, I didn't. But the day I leave, I'm gonna tell him he's one obnoxious, snotty, irritating, egocentric little little asshole of a man. For now, it's 'Ignore Everything, Say Nothing.' Well, I can try. :(

To be asked so many private questions by so many people all at once, to then have my decision questioned at every turn, to later have a private conversation observed by others made me feel downright naked when I'm not ready to be. The unsolicited attention was enough to make me feel as though my private sanctum was intruded. Invaded. Without my permission. And then ransacked. I couldn't help getting my defenses up. It was a reflex defensive mechanism after all. And being used to standing up for myself and looking after my own interests on my own for the most part of my life, yes, I was downright defensive. And aggressively so.

I know I'm insane. Among other things. 'Prickly porcupine'. 'Cactus'. 'Seahorse'. 'More male than female'. 'Shrew'. An oxymoron. A walking contradiction. Anal, paranoid bitch. Psychotic, neurotic weirdo. :( I'm sorry. I make no excuses for all that.

No one owns the market on insecurities.

I'm trying. Learning to finally let go of my hang-ups, insecurities and plenty of little eccentricities, and then finally, and slowly, learning how to share my life so closely with another individual frightens me. It's difficult. At least for me.

I'm so used to being alone. I LIKE being alone. Independence is something I greatly appreciate. Having to answer to as little people as possible. That type of freedom to do what I want, when I want it. Behave however the fuck I want to. However the fuck I like. And the devil can fly with public opinion. Up yours, you know. Within the borderline norm of civic behaviour, of course.

Now I have to learn how to be a GIRL. Dammit. This isn't easy. Not for me, it's not. I was brought up to be with more boys than girls. To be more like a boy. To think like one, too. It was a counter-offensive measure.

Because girls, sadly, in the larger community, is treated more like a liability than an asset. Because in the larger scheme of things here, women are secondary to men. Dispensable. That's the ugly truth.

I would have liked that people could think that although men and women are equal, we are NOT the same. Men and women are made to complement one another. But it doesn't mean that women are all that different from men. Sigh.

I'm the female who told a guy in university who whined about women being difficult to understand and difficult to live with that: A hole is a hole to you, right? So if women are that difficult, go settle down with a pinata la!!

Fine. I'm aggressive when I get my defenses up. :( No one likes the truth being thrust in their faces, I suppose. Yes, damn macho. :(

Being a girl. I wonder if I could do that. This is worse than being given 1 week to study for a Physics exam. At least there, only I would get hurt if I fail. :(

I know this news is THE bomb, Myocardial Infarction-worthy. It being a first, it's a novelty, too. But I'm trying to get used to this whole idea myself. Still currently trying to slowly feel my way. Groping half-blind in the half-dark, in a way.

Cut me some slack, people. I'm not a lab specimen. I'm not a goldfish living in a fishbowl. Give me some room to breathe. Please. I feel asphyxiated.

Thursday, October 25, 2007


the reasons i'm pasting these articles up is because The Independent archives their articles after awhile. and i want this for my own reference :P

but anyway, i remember some people asking about IVF and infertility treatments, so well, so i thought this would be easy reference.

it's so hard to get pregnant sometimes. i remember a former colleague of mine go through hell just to get a baby :( it's sad.

i have mixed feelings about all these new technologies, IVF, ICSI, and now this. i remember doing an attachment at a fertility clinic and seeing a woman who was 36 weeks pregnant coming in for a follow-up scan. 2 more weeks, and the baby would be ready for delivery. but the baby came up with bilateral pleural effusion and its complications (compression on the heart, etc.) the gynae performed a shunt immediately, but the baby died a few days later anyway. yeah, the baby was a result of infertility treatment.

being out of the medical line now, i guess i forget how fragile humanity can sometimes be. and yet, in the medical line, facing death and decay everyday, sometimes you get desensitized to it. just another body. just another death. how does one strike a balance sometimes?


A cheap, painless alternative to IVF?

Breakthrough in fertility treatment as first British babies are born using new technique

By Jeremy Laurance, Health Editor

Published: 25 October 2007

A landmark in the development of fertility treatment was announced by doctors yesterday with the birth of the first babies to be conceived using a revolutionary technique that offers a safer, cheaper alternative to IVF.

The twin boy and girl, who were born on 18 October at the Radcliffe Infirmary in Oxford, were conceived using In Vitro Maturation (IVM), a method that dispenses with the use of costly fertility drugs, saving up to £1,500 on the normal price of treatment.

The technique is also safer for the one in three women among those seeking fertility treatment who have polycystic ovaries, a condition that puts them at high risk of dangerous side effects from fertility drugs.

Specialists said the development could make in vitro techniques available to more infertile couples by cutting the cost of treatment. Infertility is estimated to affect one in six couples in the UK but IVF costs around £5,000 a cycle and treatment is restricted on the NHS.

Tim Child, a consultant gynaecologist at the Oxford Fertility Clinic and senior fellow in reproductive medicine at Oxford University, who led the work, said: "I think it is a safer, cheaper alternative to IVF for all women. However, for many women the success rates are currently much lower. Research in the future will address this."

The Oxford Fertility Clinic is the only one in the UK licensed to use the technique: 20 cycles of treatment have been carried out and four other women are currently pregnant, giving a pregnancy rate of 25 per cent. This is expected to improve with further experience. In addition, without the need for drugs, repeating the procedure would be less taxing on the woman. For standard IVF, the Oxford clinic's pregnancy rate is 45 per cent.

The parents of the babies, who have asked to remain anonymous, were delighted, Mr Child said. At birth the boy, born first, weighed 6lb 11oz and the girl weighed 5lb 14oz. "The parents are ecstatic. They have got absolutely stunning twins. They went home on Tuesday to start their new life together. It is wonderful."

In standard IVF, the woman takes fertility drugs for five weeks to stimulate production of her eggs, which are then collected direct from her ovaries under the guidance of ultrasound, before being fertilised in the laboratory. The drugs cost between £600 and £1,500, with charges often higher in London.

The procedure is time consuming and uncomfortable and for the third of women with polycystic ovaries there is a one in 10 risk of severe ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, a dangerous side-effect that in rare cases can prove fatal.

IVM avoids the use of drugs and instead involves collecting eggs from the ovaries while they are still immature. The eggs are then grown in the laboratory for 24 to 48 hours before being fertilised and replaced in the womb.

Mr Child said: "The main advantage is improved safety for women. Women with polycystic ovaries have a one in 10 chance of severe ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. IVM completely takes away that risk. IVF is also expensive. With IVM the cost is reduced, meaning it could become a more accessible form of fertility treatment."

The technique was pioneered by the University of McGill in Montreal, Canada, where Mr Child spent two years researching and developing it before joining the University of Oxford in 2004. It has also been used in Seoul, South Korea, and Scandinavia. To date about 400 babies have been born worldwide using IVM compared with around two million by IVF.

At present the Oxford Fertility Clinic is only offering the treatment to women with polycystic ovaries, but in the long term Mr Child said he hoped to offer the procedure to all women. "When we see patients we say these are the options and it is up to them to decide. We are not offering it to women with normal ovaries at present because we don't get enough eggs from them. It depends on the number of resting follicles and with normal ovaries you don't get so many.

"On average we get four eggs from a woman with normal ovaries compared with 16 from one with polycystic ovaries. The procedure involves a process of attrition – two-thirds mature and two-thirds of those fertilise – so you need a decent number to start with."

Research on developing the culture medium in which the eggs are matured in the laboratory could reduce the attrition rate so that fewer eggs are needed. The technique could then become suitable for women with normal ovaries, Mr Child said.

A second drawback of the procedure was that eggs grown in culture had a harder outer shell than those matured in the ovary and were more difficult for sperm to penetrate. The eggs had to be fertilised by ICSI – injecting a single sperm directly into the egg. "We hope to develop the culture medium so the egg doesn't mind being grown in the laboratory and we can use ordinary insemination [mixing eggs and sperm so fertilisation occurs naturally]. But in most IVF clinics, 50 per cent of patients are treated with ICSI anyway," he said.

A spokesman for the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority said IVF was expensive for most couples and a minority got treatment on the NHS. But it was too soon to tell whether IVM would replace IVF.

"Anything that reduces the cost of IVF, provided it is safe, means treatment could be available to more people. But this is an emerging technology – it is very early days. The most important thing is that patients get proper information so that they can make a decision on what is best for themselves."

~The Independent, 25 October 2007 14:11~

A revolution in the making - now it's up to the scientists

By Jeremy Laurance, Health Editor

Published: 25 October 2007

Over the past 25 years around two million babies have been born by IVF around the world. Yet the technique has always suffered from a major drawback – it meant dosing the woman with powerful drugs to stimulate her ovaries to produce extra eggs.

No one wants to be pounding their body with powerful drugs. It is uncomfortable, time consuming and costly, as well as dangerous for women with polycystic ovaries – one in three of those in fertility treatment.

If there is a safe way of avoiding the drugs but which achieves the same results, it would be welcomed by thousands of women. It is too soon to declare In-Vitro Maturation (IVM) the answer to their prayers. But it is a significant step in the right direction.

Avoiding the use of powerful drugs would bring a second important benefit – reducing the cost of treatment by at least 20 per cent off the average price of £5,000 per cycle. Cost is a major barrier for thousands of infertile couples denied treatment on the NHS – they cannot afford to go private and lose the chance to have a family.

The major shortcoming with IVM is its low success rate. A 25 per cent pregnancy rate will not be enough to attract most couples, although on a total of just 20 cycles it is a near-meaningless figure. Compared with IVF success rates of 45 per cent and more, it is a powerful disincentive, even if the risks are lower. But these are early days. When IVF first became widely available in the 1980s, live birth rates were around 14 per cent. They have grown from there and the expectation is that IVM success rates will grow similarly.

Specialists were cautious yesterday about IVM's prospects, saying much more evidence of its safety was needed. As part of its horizon-scanning work, the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority has been scrutinising the research in Montreal and Seoul, the two centres that have pioneered the technique, since early 2006.

Its advisory group concluded there was no evidence to suggest it was dangerous and no evidence that it increased the risk of birth abnormalities – a concern because of the use of immature eggs. But it warned that the oldest children conceived by the technique were little more than toddlers and long-term experience was lacking.

The HFEA granted a licence to perform IVM to the Oxford Fertility Clinic in January this year, the first and only licence it has so far issued, on the grounds that Tim Child, the consultant, had spent two years researching the technique in Montreal. He had demonstrated he was skilled in maturing the eggs in the laboratory.

The test now is whether he can refine the technique to improve the success rate – and whether other clinics can follow his lead. Researchers in Leeds are understood to be interested in the method. If he and they succeed, they could usher in a revolution in fertility treatment.

~The Independent, 25 October 2007 17:12~


i wanna yank out all my hair.

tell me HOW am i supposed to get my work out to the field by sunday when it's already thursday and no feedback from the top has been given?

now lookie here. it's not that i don't put my job first. i will put in the hours, if i see the need for it. but NOT at the expense of my life. i got a bloody life outside of work.

things to do, people to kill, they say.

fine. maybe my life isn't as exciting.

things to play with, people to fuck, can?

what the hell la.

they can't just EXPECT me to come in to work on Saturdays at the last minute. that's not fair.

Oh, **** this mean's u'll have to come in work tomorrow. Be prepared for the whole day.

yes, happened before. i was so tempted to kick his snotty ass. say nicer a bit, can or not? pukimak. (nope, no censoring this time)


grrrrrr....... sometimes i really hate waiting.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


SLP finally came in to work.

So yeah, went to ask about leave.

Answer was still unconfirmed.... can you see the blood coming to boil? Lucky I had a good night's sleep, thanks to exhaustion, not sleeping well the night before, and then thanks to, to somebody :)

Anyway, I digress. Lucky I had a good night's sleep, else I'd have found it difficult to keep my well-known temper in check. Sighs. They don't call me stark raving madwoman for nothing.

I decided to do something different today:

Me: Well, I guess it's a No, then, but it's ok. My friend forfeited anyway.
Him: *sits up and stares* Forfeit? What you mean, forfeit?
Me: Plane ticket. I told you, she's flying over.
Him: Why forfeit? So you mean, you were supposed to fly there, then up to Penang?
Me: ...... {Some people's stupidity stuns me sometimes... I mean, SERIOUSLY? Stupid no?} No... I just go to Penang lah! Meet her there lah! What for make {stupid} roundabout trip? {I swear to God, I ain't a genius... but....}
Him: Ohh... well, you see, we need to get it out by this Friday, and he's supposed to come in yesterday, but he didn't, and today he's coming in too...
Me: Yes, I know. No, he isn't coming in today, I called him yesterday...
Him: Yes, that's right, so anyway... Well... we'll reimburse her lah...
Me: That isn't necessary... see, I asked you for an early answer so this wouldn't happen. You could've you know, just let me know.
Him: Yes, see...
Me: It's fine... I'll deal with it myself.
Him: We could reimburse her.. if it's Airasia.. so you know...
Me: No, I'd like leave in November, though.
Him: Sure... When? We could reimburse her...
Me: It's fine.

Is it just me... or does he NOT get the point? It's not a matter of money. Each time I hear him say: We could reimburse, I feel like swinging one of those spiked clubs to his flat head. Seriously!!! NOT EVERYTHING is about MONEY. Sheeeessssshhhh..... I WAS SO BLOODY ANNOYED.

It's the hanging in LIMBO that is abominable. How'd he like a chick to string him along...
Him: Marry me...
Chick: Well.... I'll think about it....
Him: When can you let me know?
Chick: I don't know.
Him: I need an answer...
Chick: Why?
Him: To let my parents know.
Chick: Well... Friday...

Him: Well? It's Friday...
Chick: I still don't know..... Let you know tomorrow...
etc. and so it goes...

And that doesn't even require a deadline....

Like wtf....

Then again, I got leave in November. Yeah, I preyed on his guilty conscience and got an immediate answer... then again, I've not taken paid leave since I started work. And I bloody need a fucking holiday.

So: YAY!! :D:D:D:D:D

Screw the guilty conscience anyway. He'd get over it soon enough. Like someone said when I told him about this: He sucks dick cheese..... >:(

Anyway, I'm quite stunned by a confession someone told me over text last night. Seriously, I didn't really need to know. Then again, I think the only reason he said it is coz he likes what he can't have. And it's probably safe to. Well, whatever. :) The lines are drawn. The boundaries clear. And I'm not utterly without morals....

Though like Ric says, Satan is digging the 21st level specifically for me...
It's all good... I'd be partying with popes, emperors, Michael Hutchence, Kurt Cobain, etc. in there. Gonna be one swingin' party..... :P Feel free to come join us...

The reason for this dubious honour? Cos he was arguing the politics and finer technicalities of suicide with me, me being a Catholic and all. *rolls eyes.... lawyers...*

So I completely floored him for 2 whole minutes when I said: Yeah, ok... that's suicide. That's suicide too. Technically, they're all suicide, to be fair. So technically speakind, Jesus committed suicide too, you know.

It's rare to see the dude speechless :D

Then he says: You're a practising Catholic. You believe in God and Salvation and all that.
Me: YEP!!
Him: Did you just SAY that?
Me: YEPPP!!!!
Him: :O
Me: :D

Hence the 21st level of Hell remark...

Oh well... he just called that someone 'soyabean cincau'..... Hmm...

I'm having a mental block... This is BAD...

Work Again....

Trying to form some Questions to ask on Party vs. Governance....

and I'm coming up blank.

Stuffy nose, and itching throat. Having difficulty swallowing... and swollen lymph nodes.

Never a good sign for me. I know my body well. That means a fever is coming on.

So I went to the doc's this morning. Maybe I SHOULD take MC. Am shivering at work. Dammit.... I haven't got much time either.

One project after another.

I'm afraid I haven't time to pack my stuff. Moving out end of this month to a house-ful of cats :P How does 11 sound to you?

J's already booked me for mid-Nov to look after his cats while he's away for cat competition *rolls eyes* :P and I haven't moved in yet!!! Apa-ler bebudak zaman sekarang :D

Looking forward to Chicago and hitting the town in November.
Wonder if Nurse is coming this weekend, though. She don't sound too keen anymore. Sighs... I couldn't take leave. What to do? She ain't the only one disappointed :(
Girl's back for good :) But she'd be based in Ipoh :( Not so good.
Psycho's birthday coming up too... and the lil turban boy is due. HEHEHE.... Can't believe one of the clown's is gonna be a Dad O.O

Monday, October 22, 2007

on a cold rainy morning

i'm thinking:

wet hummus on a cold heavily-raining morning smells delightful.

sometimes familiarity breeds contempt, as much as absence makes the heart grow fonder.

sometimes i just wanna be alone. just for awhile. just to discover who i am.

sometimes i hate being a woman. sometimes i wish i were a man.

sometimes i whine so much, i'm disgusted with me.

i need a holiday. badly.

soft light cotton against the skin feels so darn comfy.

i wanna stay in bed. and do things on 400-threadcount sheets. because it's cold. and it's so wet outside. and i'd rather, much rather stay home in bed where it's warm, and where dreams are made.

i think i need to get back to a place where i can see trees that grow naturally, not get planted to give the place an ornamental look. what's happened to a beauty that's wild and wildly natural? i crave for that.

i'm tired. of many many things. of this fragile glittery superficial place most of all. it makes me shallow. it changes me. what if i don't recognise myself anymore if i stay here too long?

i think too goddamn much. and i speak my mind too goddamn much. i should just shut the fuck up sometimes.

i think i'm pms-ing. :(

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

LoL. Things I miss :P

{"I will tolerate no phones ringing. If you have your cell phone, please, give yourselves a cheap thrill and set it to vibrate."
-- beginning her first lecture.

"Some of you may have heard from less-than-pleased ex-students of mine that Professor Stanley is obsessed with sex. *pause for effect* This is true."
-- introduction to her first lecture (Tumour Biology of all things. But she did describe the reproduction of her lab mice in excruciating projectile-vomit-causing detail.)

"Hypertrophy is a response to excessive or prolonged demand, such as in the pregnant uterus - they don't call it labour for nothing."

"Semen is a most dangerous substance. Always avoid it at all costs. Research has shown that it gives you the biggest tumour of all - pregnancy."
-- explaining how squamous metaplasia is caused in the uterus.

"Some of these names are very old - we've used them since pussy was a cat."
-- introducing the terms 'melanoma' and 'seminoma'."

"Normal tissue is ordered and structured, like the dancers in Strictly Come Dancing. Cancerous tissue, then, is like the Strictly Come Dancing afterparty."
-- quite self-explanatory really.

"Bitter experience has taught me that 80% of this lecture theatre will not know what 'faecal' means, and that I must use language appropriate to your generation - this, ladies and gentlemen, is shit."

And they say med school lecturers are boring.}

-excerpt from Angry Medic. :P HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! that's from Cambridge, btw.

sometimes i miss what i studied. O&G docs are chockful of dirty jokes, especially.

i said this once, i shall say it again: Nothing is sacred in the medical profession!

“I’M TAGGED, THEREFORE…” the colourblind one tagged me :(

Damn, Frostie! I buy fuchsia t-shirt n tell u it's aquamarine, then u know! :P:P:P

Repeat subject header “I’M TAGGED, THEREFORE…”
Copy + paste these rules in your entry
Complete these 15 totally useless statements & questions
Mention who you were tagged by, followed by 8 people who you’ll be tagging

Failing to do so and you’ll be cursed eternally with a 3-holed nose and a low-cost flat

I kena tagged by the colourblind one~Frostie

1. If I was an opposite gender, what would my party clothes be like? birthday suit. men don't like wearing clothes, rite? :P
2. At 10am this morning, I was… … :D rushing for work after doing a cowgirl.
3. At 10pm tonight, I will be… … probably be hanging out with the psycho getting grilled, receiving lewd comments/remarks. and hearing her bitch. and whine. abt the clown she wants to shoot. either at brickfields, bangsar, or section 17. maybe the curve. who knows?
4. Who should be the next Malaysian Prime Minister? Me :P
5. If my spouse told me to do without sex for a year, I would… … hmm... i shall take a leaf out of Clinton's book and ask: Define sex?
6. If I was a piece of a car, I would be the… …the steering wheel. i like being caressed.
7. If I was told one day that I would have to give up either 1) anything chocolate OR 2) ever seeing the beach again, for the rest of my life, which one will I give up? chocs, i guess. don't eat much of it anyway. unless i'm craving. which is occasionally when i'm ovulating :P ovaries screaming for something, obviously.
8. Singapore is good for… ... Cabinet Sauvignon. aka NEWater. :P ask bren. hahaha!
9. If I could only say 3 words before I die, what would those last words be? now than later.
10. Who would I like to be left on a deserted island with? Jamie Oliver. he's entertaining n he can cook up a storm :P
11. Die by drowning or by fire? fire. :P i go out in a 'blaze of glory'. literally! always wondered what it'd feel like to combust.
12. What one single thing would you buy with your last RM9.95? however much i can get to eat with that amount. yep. food tops my list. i need sustenance every 4 hours :P FEED ME!!!
13. If I opened a night club, what would I call it? Ass-Ump-Tion.
14. Don’t cheat: what’s “bulbous”? my ass
15. I think my ass is… …Great, thanx :P custom-made for child-bearing. all that selective process from ancient China, y'know ;)

I’m tagging:

Psychosis Personified. Cos it's high time u started blogging after all that olfactosynthesis crap, bitch. :P
Yerdeh. Take ur mind off chronic kidney diseases :P
Sarah. aka. Chick.: oh u wanna.... :D med school or no.
Bernard. :P where's that story? this is writing too!!! :)
PinkRiverDolphin: Chocolatecupcake! when u gonna come visit me with Rusty? Blog, dammit!
Aichiban: :P coz now u no more in india, u very free... kekeke...
Manda: :P do something other than walk around in Times Square. or wherever u go now.
Angry Medic: HAHAHA! :) How's things over there?

Saturday, October 06, 2007

1754 hours on a Saturday Evening

Gah..... Here are a few things.... Don't blame me if this shocks you. I'm currently very pissy. Due to hunger. And stress.....

1) I'm stuck at work at 1754 hours on a Saturday evening. Say it with me now: Hurrah! Hurrah!

2) Frozen Kinder Bueno is good for the soul. Very good. I'm souled out.

3) I need a wank when I am stressed out. Yes, fuckers, women wank, too. And since I'm not getting laid, I bloody wank. Ok? And don't give me that look already... What's with the gasping? Check out the banner at the top. I DID WARN YOU by saying: "Sexually explicit. Seriously violent. Liberal use of expletives, so be warned. Definitely not for children." Right? There you go. Here's a confession: I DID stop wanking for several LLLOOOONNNNGGGG months due to depression. It didn't help. Brought me lower down. So damn you all, I shall wank as often as I like. All engines need lubrication. I have absolutely no intention to let my va-jay-jay dry up like a wrinkled, sad, old, prune. And NO. Random sex with random strangers might lead to very scary random diseases. I was trained as a Microbiologist. I should know. That's not an option.

4) Random strangers talk to me. Don't ask me why. I don't know. For everyday of this week, some random stranger/strangers have stopped me at least once to ask for something. And to have the same weirdo ask you for money on two separate days and occasions in the same week borders on frightening. EEEEKKKKKKKSSSSSS!!!!!!

5) I AM HUNGRY!!! FEED MEEEE!!!! :( Sugar level dipping. Migraine setting on. NO GOOD. NO GOOD AT ALL. Getting very cranky. Snapped at annoying SLP. Uh-oh!

Friday, October 05, 2007


This is posted on Multiply under something else for obvious reasons :P
SLP can be SUCH an ASS at times, it's fucking annoying.

OK, maybe I'm cute when I'm annoyed. But there's a time and place for everything. I'm not sitting on my daddy's nest egg. So stop being an asshole already. It's not that I'm a mercenary bitch. It's just that some people are born more privileged than others. The others have to work to get there.

When asked at 21 if I'd go out with a rich man's son, I replied that I definitely would NOT. And he was surprised. Why not? he says. Because they have an attitude problem that makes me want to:

a) Vomit Blood. b) Kick Their Ass. Hard. And if possibly, leave an imprint they won't forget. c) Rip Their Nads Out, cos it doesn't deserve to be hanging there.

In that order.

:D Yeah. I know. He wore that expression too. :P I know la. Not all. But most, unfortunately. To those that do, I only have one thing to say: I think it's from Plutarch: It is certainly desirable to be well-descended, but the glory belongs to our ancestors, and not to us. So fuck off unless u can match the glories of ur father, or fore-fathers. Just cos ur daddy's bright, doesn't mean lil spoilt brat is bright, too. Accidents happen. Often. Murphy's Law happens too. :P

U embody the very reason why I'd rather go for personality than good-looks or sleeping in/on/with money. Precisely that.

And when I ignore u because u're being a macho asshole, don't start throwing tantrums like a 5 year old. Like WTF? Watch me zone out.

I grew up with boys. Take that macho shit n stuff it where the sun doesnt shine, cos it impresses me not. And I can take u on. Outside the workplace, that is.

So u've got me by my proverbial balls just cos u pay my wages. Well, I'm young. And life is a cycle. But there's a friggin reason why u're sad and lonely. Maybe if u got off ur high horse, women might like u more.

Men can be so dense sometimes. No offense to nice guys out there, but seriously. Most men are like government bonds, they take forever to mature. And when they finally do, sometimes it's just too bloody late.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Learning

Wednesday, 03.10.2007. 0931 hours.

So here I am. This is where I stand. This is who I am. I've been stripped bare to the bones, and built back up again. I reckon I can safely say I've come a long way.

I've just accidentally realised it's been exactly 2 months since he's left, and many months since I've struggled to reach a conclusion.

There was the precipice, the plunge, the gorge, the walk among the dead and undead, the freeing of shackles, the climb back up to the living.

Now it's learning to live with the living once again.

I've come a long way. I'm learning still.


Today I fell outside DW Station a second time. Seriously.... wtf's wrong with me?

This reminds me of something Brandon said once: She runs in heels, but trips in flats.

Yes, I was wearing flats.

And Tracy's reaction while watching Miss Congeniality (Sandra Bullock tripping): OMG!! That's YOU!!! *bursts out laughing...*


Yeah, also fell outside UPM Library once each year I was there. (i.e.: 3 times) :(

I IS KLUTZ... :(

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Nurse is coming! :D:D:D:D


Nurse came online and told me she's coming end of the month! YAY!! :)

That's one of my besties there :) Boy, have I missed her :P

Whoopdeedoo :D:D:D

Nights of gossipping, lots of drinking, and crazy laughter coming up :)

Psycho better get ready :P


i've been a good girl. almost.

i stay in my corner of the world.

i lick my wounds alone. mostly.

i do all that i had to do.

i know i'll heal. but i won't forget.

i didn't expect to.

i don't go looking for trouble.

i don't search for cheap thrills.

i stay away from addictions.

i wish i could be safe.

but Trouble seems to like me.

do i have it stamped on my forehead?

fuck this shit. fuck all of it.

i don't go looking for Trouble, all u bitches.
get it in your heads. stop making me sound like a bitch in heat.

Trouble comes looking for me. Always.

Maybe he's my ultimate groom after all.

Monday, October 01, 2007


There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday

Preachers on the podium speaking of saints
Prophets on the sidewalk begging for change
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape cursing my name

I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing
You can spend you whole life working for something
Just to have it taken away

People walk around pushing back their debts
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets
Talking 'bout nothing, not thinking 'bout death
Every little heartbeat, every little breath

People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don't know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway

But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes

Prison walls still standing tall
Some things never change at all
Keep on buildin' prisons, gonna fill them all
Keep on buildin' bombs, gonna drop them all

Working your fingers bear to the bone
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul
Like a lung that's filled with coal, suffocatin' slow

The wind blows wild and I may move
The politicians lie and I am not fooled
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth

The air on my skin and the world under my toes
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes
Chaos and commotion wherever I go
Love I try to follow

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday

Brett Dennen-Ain't No Reason

Sighs... Apt.


So long, and thanks for the fish. Thank you, especially, for leaving.

Bye, doll... it's been bittersweet.

hey you...

i'm sorry i couldn't meet you one last time before you go. and to have planned it so carefully so many times, only to have it busted.

there were so many things i wanted to say. so many things i wanted to ask you about, too. how you are, for one. what your plans are, for another.

guess we've both been so busy with life we didn't have time to meet up and catch up before you leave.

we've only known each other for awhile, but already it's been bittersweet. too many stories, things, secrets, shadows shared. and your leaving now, makes it even more so.

but the chance... it's once in a lifetime. it's everything you dreamed of. it could take you to places lemmings only see in postcards :) i suppose i'll live vicariously through you then. *hugs*

sighs. guess this is it, then. just want you to know i miss you already. and i'm gonna miss you a lot more. at the very least, you called :)

well, you know where to find me. i've always been here. always will be.

you got my addie now, too. let me know yours when you get there, and i'll send it to you.

you take care now. greatness becomes you yet :) yeah, i love you, too. i know i've never really said it in person, but i do. remember to write :) at least we have technology now.

hugs and kisses,
just me.