a rant worthy to acidify your gawddarn eyes....

here's the thing:

work is a lot like a partner to me. cos both have much in common... therefore, my attitude to both, is pretty much the fucking same.

i spend approximately 70% of my waking hours working. or doing something relating to work. like bloody travelling to and from work.

therefore, i surmise that the job better be fucking worth my fucking time. (fucking as an expletive here, cos dammit, if i were fucking, at least it were pleasurable. niasing....)

so explain to me again, WHY i must enslave my cute ass, and spend 70% of my conscious hours, on something that sends my blood pressure shooting up in a MOST UNdesirable way, and makes the fine blood capillaries on my face and chest burst, therefore causing me to suffer from purpura? WHY?

why should i work for a moron who says he would issue me a letter (when the other colleague was busy on the phone) cos he discovered three bread knives on my desk 2 days before, and i couldn't explain why it was there? (i genuinely don't know!) not because of my performance, he couldn't fault me for that, but because i gave him an inane answer. HELLO? inane answer for inane question, no? and he tells me he wants to find a gf JUST LIKE ME..... PPTTTUUUUIIIIIIII!!!!!!!! AS IF!!! and i'm the Saintly Mother Theresa of Calcutta!!

for me, it's a simple thing. if i'm gonna spend a majority of my time doing something, or with somebody, that thing/ person has bloody got to be worth my time.

70% of every goddamn sacred day of my goddamn life IS A LOT OF TIME SPENT. therefore, if it's not worth it, it means a LOT of TIME WASTED.

like a man (since i'm a hetero female): if like granny, i live to my 80s, therefore, i'd be spending 70% of THE REST OF MY LIFE with someone. he better be worth my time. cos 70% of the REST OF MY LIFE is a LOT OF TIME to spend being disgustingly MISERABLE if he isn't.

so does that answer some ppl's questions on why i was bloody single for sooooo bloody long? the answer is simple: i ain't got no time to waste on fucking morons.

my time is important to me. better have good sex solo than bad sex with a bunch of left-footed monkeys. meaning: i rather do certain things alone than do it with a bunch of time wasters.

i fucking need a new fucking job.

1754 hours on a Saturday Evening

Gah..... Here are a few things.... Don't blame me if this shocks you. I'm currently very pissy. Due to hunger. And stress.....

1) I'm stuck at work at 1754 hours on a Saturday evening. Say it with me now: Hurrah! Hurrah!

2) Frozen Kinder Bueno is good for the soul. Very good. I'm souled out.

3) I need a wank when I am stressed out. Yes, fuckers, women wank, too. And since I'm not getting laid, I bloody wank. Ok? And don't give me that look already... What's with the gasping? Check out the banner at the top. I DID WARN YOU by saying: "Sexually explicit. Seriously violent. Liberal use of expletives, so be warned. Definitely not for children." Right? There you go. Here's a confession: I DID stop wanking for several LLLOOOONNNNGGGG months due to depression. It didn't help. Brought me lower down. So damn you all, I shall wank as often as I like. All engines need lubrication. I have absolutely no intention to let my va-jay-jay dry up like a wrinkled, sad, old, prune. And NO. Random sex with random strangers might lead to very scary random diseases. I was trained as a Microbiologist. I should know. That's not an option.

4) Random strangers talk to me. Don't ask me why. I don't know. For everyday of this week, some random stranger/strangers have stopped me at least once to ask for something. And to have the same weirdo ask you for money on two separate days and occasions in the same week borders on frightening. EEEEKKKKKKKSSSSSS!!!!!!

5) I AM HUNGRY!!! FEED MEEEE!!!! :( Sugar level dipping. Migraine setting on. NO GOOD. NO GOOD AT ALL. Getting very cranky. Snapped at annoying SLP. Uh-oh!

Trouble

i've been a good girl. almost.

i stay in my corner of the world.

i lick my wounds alone. mostly.

i do all that i had to do.

i know i'll heal. but i won't forget.

i didn't expect to.

i don't go looking for trouble.

i don't search for cheap thrills.

i stay away from addictions.

i wish i could be safe.

but Trouble seems to like me.

do i have it stamped on my forehead?
COME GET ME, BABY. I LOVE GETTING FUCKED?

fuck this shit. fuck all of it.

i don't go looking for Trouble, all u bitches.
get it in your heads. stop making me sound like a bitch in heat.

Trouble comes looking for me. Always.

Maybe he's my ultimate groom after all.

You SELFISH PRICK.

This is gonna be UGLY. Turn your eyes away if you're of a delicate nature.

Wednesday, 19.06.2006. 2330 hours.

1. You begged me to stay by your side.
2. You say you're desperate.
3. You say you're trying.
4. You ask me to give you a chance.
5. You say I push you.
6. You say I expect too much out of you.
7. You say you need me around to be able to think clearly to get through your 'situation'.
8. You say you want me to be there to whip you back in line when you stray too far.
9. You say you want me to stop making you into the man you're not ready to be.
10. You say you're lost and grasping at straws.
11. You say you want me to be a true friend.

I say: You're a selfish prick. You. You. You. It's all about YOU.

You know me well.
You know my soft spots.
You know which buttons to push.

But now that I've had time to think things through, and now that I've found out some other things...

Well, ok, you want a chance?

So tell me this:

1. You begged me to stay by your side. Why the hell should I after everything you've done?
You know I'm disappointed in you. What have you done to change my mind?

2. How desperate are you when you hardly changed a thing about anything?

3. You say you're trying. So show me. What have you tried? What have you changed?
What are you planning to change? When are you planning to do it? Give me a timeline.
Are you really trying, or are you merely buying time?

4. You ask me to give you a chance. About what? Be specific.
And how long do you want me to do it? The rest of my life?

5. You say I push you. How the hell did I manage to do that when I was trying to ignore you?
Is that me pushing you, or your guilt doing it?

6. You say I expect too much out of you. Maybe so.
Well, you expect too LITTLE out of you.
That's always been your problem. That's why you never seem to want to change.
That's why you're here now.
That's YOU pushing ME to say all these.

7. You say you need me around to be able to think clearly to get through your 'situation'.
8. You say you want me to be here to whip you back in line when you stray too far.
9. You say you want me to stop making you into the man you're not ready to be.
10. You say you're lost and grasping at straws.
11. You say you want me to be a true friend.
7.-11.: Read THIS:
FUCK YOU.
How much more selfish can you get?
You're not ready to be a man. Well, I'm not ready to be your true friend.
Why should I be, when you aren't?
You're lost and grasping at straws. Well, that's your problem. You chose that.
Not like I never advised you. But when I did, you didn't listen.
Now that I'm fed up, you want me back. For what?

Try showing me that you've changed FIRST.
Then maybe I'd show you how to think clearly.

About time you started thinking for yourself,
instead of getting your mother,
and your SURROGATE mothers to do it.

If I really meant so much to you, then you wouldn't have said the things that you did.
You wouldn't have done the things that you did.

Friends. If you treated me as one, you wouldn't have crossed the line. Should've thought about that before, innit?

If I really meant so much to you, you would've done what you should have a long LONG time ago.

So... Tell me: What am I to you?
Just someone to milk your cum?
'Cos by all that's pure and holy,
just as the earth is ellipsical on its axis,
when I put all that down on paper,
It sure as hell looks like it!

When I separate logic from emotion, and analyse it as it is,
You seriously look REALLY UGLY. YECH!

Now you know why I do analysis. Because I need THIS.
The COLD CLARITY of LOGIC.
PERSPECTIVE.

You messed with the wrong girl, boy.

When I was a wee girl, I loved G.I. Joe and Transformers and X-Men.
I wasn't into Barbie and Carebears and My Little Pony and Friends.

Now that I'm a grown woman,
I don't do soft toys.
I don't do icky pandas (unless they're live animals).
My fave movies include:
The Hannibal series, the Godfather series, the Ocean's series, the Bourne series.
The likes of Scarface; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Snatch; The Italian Job; Traffic.

Oh, there's plenty more. Comedies, romances, historical dramas, yeah.
But you don't mess with a chick who watches and enjoys movies like those.
I ain't your panda bitch.

So YOU tell ME, if you really look damn hot on paper now.

Tell me you DON'T look like a piece of shit.
Tell me I SHOULD spend another second of my life on you.
Tell me I SHOULD give you a chance to change and make things right for everyone.
Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me I SHOULDN'T push you.
Tell me I SHOULDN'T expect MORE from you.
Yeah, TELL ME. TELL ME. TELL ME. T.E.L.L. M.E.
And TELL ME AGAIN.

You haven't even seen me relentless.
You haven't seen me get REALLY ANGRY.
You haven't seen me put 11 years of Alma Mater emotional trauma training on you.
You ain't seen nothin', yet.

And YOU DARE to tell me I PUSH YOU.
And you DARE to tell me I EXPECT TOO MUCH OUT OF YOU.
TELL ME AGAIN.

C'mon. I WANNA SEE YOUR MOUTH MOVE WHEN YOU SAY IT.
I WANNA HEAR THAT FAMOUS VOICE OF YOURS WHEN YOU SAY IT. Go on.
TELL ME. TELL ME. TELL ME.

Work me up into ICE COLD FURY.
TELL ME.

I wanna feel my blood turn to ice when I turn my eyes on you.
I wanna feel my heart go stone-cold when I hear your voice.
TELL ME.

Change my lifeblood into liquid nitrogen.
ZERO DEGREES KELVIN.

Have you seen liquid nitrogen?
'Cos I have.
I stored my own blood in them. Lasts for a week. The cells stop moving.
It's that cold.
So TELL ME.

TELL ME.

....seriously.

You yellow-bellied lily-livered sick twisted spineless gonad-less invertebrate parasitic vibriocholeric jackass dimwit fucktard jerk coward sonovabitch of a wanker.
You WASTAGE of Lifeblood.
You WASTAGE of Oxygen.
You WASTAGE of Space.
Go surgically remove your three lower ribs and suck your own cock.
That way you'll never need to get women that look like men to do it.

Or just do the world a favour and hang yourself.
From your non-existent testicles.

Gah! You seriously waste my time. Seriously!

Yeah, I'm a scary, intimidating psychopathic bitch.
Call me Snow White's evil stepmother.
Call me Cruella deVille.
Call me Janice Dickinson.
I don't care.
TELL ME: How not to be with the likes of you around?

Doormat

I'm a DOORMAT.

I know I'm often WAAAAYYYY TOO nice to people.

But my nice-ness, like every other person, has a limit.

You ask me to help you, and it's not too much trouble for me, I'd do it, and go to great lengths for you.

You ask me to help you, you're a really good friend, and it troubles me some, I'd STILL do it. AND go to great lengths for you.

BUT if you ask me to help your friend, whom I don't know, and it troubles me a lot, but you're a really good friend, I'd help you as much as I can.

BUT if you ask me to help YOUR friend, whom I DON'T KNOW, and it troubles me a BLOODY lot, which I've done anyway, and helped you as much as I can, BECAUSE you are a really good friend, but you ask for even MORE TROUBLESOME favours, for YOUR friend, whom I DON'T KNOW, and whose favours might get ME in TROUBLE, I seriously think you're crossing THE LINE.

And if you get upset because I couldn't do it, or wouldn't, you're seriously PISSING ME OFF.

There's a limit. Don't cross the line.

You're only thinking about YOUR friend, but what about me?

What I've done has already put me in a sufficient amount of danger. What I've done was a great deal of trouble for me. And for my friends who helped me. It also almost put me in a bad light among my friends. Thank God they know the reason, and they know who I am.

I've done all I can. If you're not happy about it, Fuck You.

Saying I am irresponsible, unreliable and SELFISH is just too damn much when firstly, you were the one asking me for my favour when I already TOLD you I was busy.

I was doing YOU a favour, and doing YOUR FRIEND a favour TOO, by PROXY.

Your friend owes me. BIG time.

a) I DON'T know your friend. I needn't help him/ her.
b) You shouldn't have made a promise you couldn't keep. But if you were foolish enough to make that promise, you should have solved it on your own. So yes, I was a solution to your problem, than you should have been thankful I helped you out, instead of whining, or whinging.

Don't act like a Fucking INGRATE instead.

Geez-us!!! I couldn't be more positively INCENSED!

STUPID BITCH

continued from the morning:

When?
Time: approx. 1400 hours.

Where?
On a busy one way street in Brickfields area.

Who?
INDIAN lady.

What?
CLEVER woman decided to drive AGAINST TRAFFIC, AT PEAK HOURS, on a ONE-WAY STREET while it was DAMN BUSY.

Reason given? My house is just there.

LADY: FUCK YYYYEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW.....

I dont fucking care if your sugar daddy is Semi-Value. It's not your fucking street. We taxpayers pay road tax too, y'know. It's a one-way street. It's peak hours. There is no justification for you to disregard everyone else for your selfish concerns. If it's 11pm or something, and there are no cars around, maybe lah. But C'MON! It's a working day, n it's a busy street. And it's peak hours to boot!!

PKM KNN LLB CCB PBK!!!!!!!

BITCH.

columbine, now virginia: how much more idiocy is needed as a lesson?

crap happening in my personal life, but it doesn't mean that i've forgotten the 32 ppl who died in Virginia Tech.

never been a fan of weapons, and i think this just goes to prove what happens when u have a constitution that allows guns as a birthright.

here we have an adult/ semi-adult/ tween shooting fellow students.

but let's not forget the horror many years back when a child shot his schoolmates. Columbine. who can forget?

never been a fan of americans either, but this latest incident just goes to show how men who never learn from their mistakes never seem to go far.

tragedy repeats itself, and will continue to repeat itself, if remedial AND PREVENTIVE action isn't taken.

i don't see americans doing any such thing anytime soon, so i guess i should just prepare myself for more deaths in american schools/ universities.

IDIOTS.

ARGH!!

ARGH!!

It's been quite a lousy morning thus far.

First, I couldn't sleep last night. Then it rained cows and buffaloes... which continued to the morning. Rain like that at night is lovely, or on a lazy Sunday morning. It's even better if you have someone to share it with. Hot tea and cuddles. But I don't. And on a work morning, with no transportation? It fucking SUX, man.

Then, when I finally dragged myself out of bed, all groggy and set for work, the heater fucked up on me. WTF?! I had to set and reset it 5 times to get it working again. *groan...* The minutes ticked by quickly.

Walking to the LRT station, and again, there were horny guys (THAT early on a Tuesday morning.... I wanted to strangle all of 'em) giving me their usual whatchamacallit. Gah...! Dudes, I don't care. I'm not ur honey, and u chose a really lousy day to make passes >:(

I nearly missed the train. Thank God I didn't.

My shoe broke while walking from the station to work :( One of my favourite pairs. The one given to me 'cos I was a good girl. When I WAS a good girl. Now THAT really sucks. I had to walk at a funny, painful angle. Now what? I dunno. I hope there's a cobbler around somewhere. Please, the Powers That Be, don't fuck around with me today.

High-risk females

High risk females

I find the political reaction to this issue amazing. Really, you know, if you don't want to hear the answers, then don't ask the question.

What did the Selangor government expect, asking for a report on sexual prevalence among high-risk female secondary school students?

What about MALE secondary school students, then? Why the sexism? But I digress.

Instead of trying to find focussed, effective, positive measures to handle/ rectify such moral decadence, they are arguing about the methodology of the survey, it's limitations, or whether it is a measure of the cross-section of Malaysian youths.

What does Nemesis say?
What a bloody waste of time.

Don't do a survey if you don't like the possible outcome.

Really now. I think Malaysian holier-than-thou attitude is causing our country to regress rather than progress. A far more shocking survey was recently conducted in Britain, the results of which shows that Briton youths have sex without much knowledge of the consequences of sex. And it's not private knowledge that Britons have sex young.

No, I am not advocating having sex at a young age, I am saying that such surveys are meant to be taken more positively. It goes to show that you can't repress either information, technology or biology.

Did Malaysia really think that our youths are purer than snow? When I was a teacher in an all-girls' school, I have had a 14-year-old student who had had an abortion 3 times. Her boyfriend was much older, and obviously both were very horny. That was in 2001. We turn a blind eye to adolescent deliquency, and especially sexual and reproductive health issues. We pretend it's not happening in this country. We hush any report, or any forum on such issues, taking a ridiculous religious bent.

Oh My God... see where it's taking us? Our youths have no idea how ot deal with sexual emotions in a mature and positive way. Women, naturally being viewed in a more negative light in this country, become victims of passion. Their own, as well as that of men.

Yes, religion has plenty to say about sex. But sexual education is equally important in a world where biology meets religion and career development. Women are getting married later, having babies even later, but having sex earlier. And why not? What with rising toll and petrol prices, and the inflation that ensues such hikes, babies are expensive to bring up.

How 2 people want to live their lives is really up to them. What I want to say is: Allow our youths the benefit of the doubt that they have enough Intelligence to make INFORMED decisions. Give them the facts. Give them the moral bent, the pros and cons of carnal pleasures, the ways to protect themselves. Malaysian youths might surprise you yet.

I had a doctor who told me: I have 3 sons. I tell them about sex from an early age. But I also tell them, "That's someone's daughter you're playing around with. Make sure both of you know what you're doing. And I'd rather you do things at home, than in some obscure place where you might get robbed and murdered. God gave you a brain. Use it." So far, my sons have yet to disappoint me.

THAT is precisely what I meant.

Isn't that so much better than moral policing and constantly spying on fellow Malaysians for the unholy glee of catching them doing something wrong?

Grow up. There's a lot of ugliness out there. How you handle them is what makes it beautiful.