Monday, February 26, 2007

Work and Others

Work and Others

Work something I do now only because I get bored staring at four walls.

...I shan't say anything more.


I don't understand why...

The men sitting by the pet 'hospital' by the roadside has to whistle and make funny noises each time I walk by, when I've been walking by everyday now.

And then one day one of them says:

Hello, Chinese girl, how are you, baby?

Me: (to self) Whhhaaaaa? (nods and walks fast fast away)

I shop when I'm not happy.

I am NOT happy.

I shopped. Bought me lace knickers at cheap price. Well, it was a warehouse sale. Well, it was Victoria's Secret. Well, I do need new knickers.

But.... it's 2 minutes of pleasure.

And I'd feel guilty the rest of the month.

Like something else in my life now.

So why can't I just bloody stop?

'Cos it's soooo tempting. 'Cos it feels so good whilst the 2 minutes last. 'Cos I like it so. And cos I'm such a sucker.

And my gawd, but it was pretty....

Somebody spank me...

I've been a bad girl this month.

And my pay ain't even in yet....

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Chinese New Year

Chinese New Year

Spent it thinking. And missing home.

I miss:

1) My family. The family gatherings at my house, though Dad's one of the younger sons. The raucous laughter at the dinner table, the gambling, the teasing, the fussing over food.

2) My friends. Geez, I haven't met them for ages.

3) The food. Need I say more? Fried prawns. Angzhao pork. Stewed pork trotters in black soysauce. Steamed fish Teochew style. Stewed duck in spices. Vegetables cooked just right. And much much more. Dammit.

4) The smell of gunpowder. Firecrackers, man. Ask my friend Jo about where to get the longest firecrackers, and he'd tell ya. Hehehe.... It's Kuching. What's CNY without the firecrackers?

5) The visiting. Last year when I stopped, we'd done 13 houses from 10-4. I wonder what's this year's record? :P

I MISS CNY. I miss home. This is the FIRST time since 2001 that I've ever felt homesick. Shit....

An Old Post-Of Trainwrecks and Damage Control

An Old Post-Of Trainwrecks and Damage Control

This is an old post. Been wondering if I should put this up. I figure now, why the hell not. It's not gonna make any difference anyhow. Due to recent developments, it's slighly updated now.

It's all a matter of avoidance.

I pretend nothing's going on, nothing's different, and so does he.

Except I know it's not gonna work. It's not gonna go away.

The hurt's not gonna get any less. In fact, it's probably gonna get even worse.

I know. How'd I know? 'Cos I've had a string of that.

He's afraid of making things worse than it already is. How could things get any worse, really?

Letting things go on as they are. How could things get any better? What purpose could it possibly serve?

I honestly don't see a happy ending all around anywhere along the time frame if things stay as they are. I wonder if he does. If he does, I'd really like his imagination. Because I really don't.

I don't see things getting better. Or settling itself. What I see, is more than one or two parties getting extremely hurt. I'm trying to figure out what to do about that, but I can't see a cut-and-dried solution.

What's a girl to do when sentiments and emotions get in the way of logic and detachment? When logic and detachment is precisely what I need right now.

I shouldn't have let it get this far.

I should've stopped it when I could.

'Cept there were times when I was caught by surprise. But blistering intensity is still no excuse. Shoulda-woulda-coulda. It matters not who started what. I should've stopped anyway. I know men. Men wouldn't let go unless there's something better, or they're forced to. Instance, if Ange hadn't come onto the scene, do you think Brad would've left Jen? You don't leave a good thing, unless the good thing leaves you, or you get something better. Men act that way. Boys can't be expected to do any better.

Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa. But what could regret possibly serve now? What's done is done. Regret is a waste of time.

What I want to know now is: How do I stop the train from wrecking itself now? Or at least, how do I minimise the damage that I know would occur?

I see just one way. I know he'd be hurt. Hell, I'm already hurtin'. I'm not sure he knows it. I could only guess that he is, too. But what choice do I have when it comes to damage control? I wish it needn't have come to that. But it has to.

I wouldn't force someone to do something s/he wouldn't want to do. Because the outcome would be half-arsed. But I wouldn't be forced to stay in a situation I know would cause everything to fall apart as well. Not if I can help it.

Not if I have a choice. And I do.

I can only control ME. And what I DO. And SEE. And FEEL. And TASTE. And HEAR.

Everything and everyone else matters not here. It's inconsequential.

It's cold. But it has to be done.

He says I must respect his decision. Even if it takes forever to. Very well. Then he must respect mine. Even if it takes a nanosecond to. And this wasn't made in a nanosecond. It's robbed me of my peace of mind many a night.

He can live his life any way he wants to. It's his life. Whether I like it or not. I can't do anything about it, and I won't. But this is My life, too. And it affects me. And I'll live it the way I want to. Whether he likes it or not. Too bad. I was hoping we'd come to a compromise, but I guess not.

There's always a choice. Always. Even if it's between two evils. So I'll just have to choose the lesser of two evils. Which means I've got to cut my losses. And leave.

Taken in overall context, whatever's been said, or done, was never quite right-never quite healthy. Never quite enough.

Oh, it was sweet. For awhile. It's like something that's sweet at the start, and you think it's wonderful, until it leaves a bitter aftertaste in your mouth.

Tell me: What choice do I have? How else can I stop a disaster from happening?

Hard as it may be to believe, but I do want him to be happy. I cannot make him happy. Neither of us seem to allow it. And I cannot allow myself to stay. I will not make promises I cannot keep. That's the one thing I will not do, sinful Jezebel that I am. Letting this drag on and on isn't going to change a thing. What purpose could it possibly serve anyone anyway?

I cannot stay. I no longer fit in. I never have. I doubt I ever will. All that's happened these past few years just goes to show how I know myself best after all.

And how I hate insecurity, and being put in a position I'm uncomfortable in.

But he tries so hard to fit in. To be inconspicuous. To follow the crowd, to adapt to what others see him to be. To go with the flow. To please everyone that he can. He's adorable that way. But I can't abide that. Maybe when he gets older he'd realise what I have. That the effort is futile. That ultimately, you can't please everyone. There's bound to be some who would never be happy with how much you do. Or try. Or even, who you are as a person. I've said my piece on that. I shan't say anything more.

All I know is that I'm too different. I think differently. Behave differently. Act differently. I'd please someone if it suits me to. If it's someone whose opinion I care about. And yet, my friend's right. There are times when I must put my foot down. Enough is enough.

Well, this is me. I may take things lying down for the longest time. But when I do finally decide to get up on my feet and walk away, I walk away and don't look back. It's terminal. It's over. It's enough.

And this time, it's enough. If he won't make a decision, then I will. He's taken what's important. I've given all that I can. There's nothing more left to give. Nothing I can afford to give.

He can't ask for much more. That'd be a subtle cruelty. The person I've come to know and care for wouldn't do that. He couldn't. At least, that's what I want to believe.

The Deal

The Deal

Here's the deal, ya?

I always do the stupid things. I always set myself up for trouble. But really, here's the deal. If I don't get the best of someone, why should I take the worst? If I'm not being acknowledged for something I've done, or for who I am, then why must I continue allowing myself to be taken for granted? I'm not this, so don't treat me like one. You don't acknowledge me as such, so I shouldn't have to take no shit from you. Yes? Fair's fair, no?

Saturday, February 17, 2007

STUPIDITY... stupidity

STUPIDITY... stupidity

Now some dumbass worthless brainless Datuk wants Malaysian women to start wearing chastity belts in an effort to curb rape. STUPID. STUPID. S.T.U.P.I.D. How the hell did this neuron-less people become Datuks in the first place???? They get awards for stupidity now?

It's not my problem that men get boners when they see me. And sometimes, it's not even the clothes you wear, or how old you are.

I wanna hang said idiot upside down by his testicles, I'm telling you.

Not that I'm surprised the mentality has regressed to this extent, I'm just fucking pissed off that such fuckers exist in this fucking country. What the fuck. Fuckers should go form their own country and leave the rest of the world in peace. Fuck... such fuckers should die a miserable death being fucked from the backdoor. Serves them fuckers right. Then they'd know how it feels like to be fucked without their consent. SHHEEEEESSSSSSHHHHHHH..... Stupid assholes.

Forgive the bad language. Very the pissed off.

Friday, February 16, 2007



I hate motorcyclists.... and Maybank. 'Nuff said.... and how can a place like this have a black out and not have a back-up generator??? AIIIHHHHH......

slow day and my thoughts

slow day and my thoughts

I'm sleepy. Stayed out quite late two nights in a row.

Spent Valentine's at Nirwana's chatting till almost two 'cos we were on an interesting topic, and we forgot the time.

I found that my thought processes are so much more masculine/ cold/ practical/ different then most of my female peers at this stage. And yet it saves me a lot more heartache than if I didn't think that way. The problem is always when I allow someone to cross from one compartment where I've placed them to another.

Yumchar yesterday and talked nonsense till late. :D Nice, but I had trouble waking up this morning. Tried another route to work today. Slightly faster, i.e. can have a bit more of my precious sleep :)

Bought two flowy, loosely-fitting, slinky, 3/4-sleeved, geometrically-patterned cotton dresses yesterday. And a pair of cotton pants that are so comfy :) Why is it that I always end up spending money when I'm unhappy? And frustrated? And alone? I've been binge-ing on chocolate as well. Sighs.

Not that the dresses aren't lovely. They are. But but but... I wanna buy new bra and knickers. And lingerie. And shoes. I need to throw out a lot of my old ones and buy a pair that I can use everyday and that can last. Dammit. I need money for that. I don't need two pair of dresses that make me look and feel very sexy, but which I might not be using as often.

I hate the feeling of losing control. Especially of giving in to temptation. There's a word for it. It's called L-U-S-T. The purchase of those dresses is the embodiment of lust in its purest form: I want. I get.

I is a very bad gurl....

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Work and Valentine's

Work and Valentine's

In 3 weeks of work, I've scanned about 105 patients.

Interesting cases I've done/ seen:

1) Did my first scrotal scan. Men's balls ain't easy to hold down. The damn testes' swim around. And in the end I had to hold them with my left hand while I hold the probe steady with my right to get proper pictures for documentation. Dude had epididymitis. Testes were fine, but the outside of it was inflammed. Basically he had swollen, painful, and hot balls. Ok.

2) Breasts scan the very next day. Certain genes just have big titties. Not easy to scan either. They flop to one side, then to get to the other side, you gotta lift it up a bit so it flops to the other side, so u can reach the breast tissues. Not exactly foolproof, cos u're bound to miss something, what with all the flipping around, but not like we have a choice. Patient was fine in this case. I didn't see any lumps/ cysts.

*Now all that's left is for me to perform a TV scan, and I'd have done it all in this company. Have done breasts and TV scans, btw.

3) On Monday, I scanned a supposedly 7-month old baby that didn't seem to have a heart on Ultrasound. No foetal movement, small for dates, and when I dropped an M-line, the line was flat. No good. I saw the lungs, or what little there was of it, the limbs, the head, but no heart. I bet the baby was stillborn. It's heartbreaking. And the mother, I suspect, is aware of it, but is in denial. She says she can feel the babe move. Just a little. I think it's sad, but there's little to be done. Termination has to be performed. You can't keep it in there. Patient was referred to GH.

4) Saw weird kidneys today. Patient was referred for microscopic haematuria. Right perinephric fluid collection was noted. Not much corticomedullary differentiation seen. Suspicion of an isoechoic mass in the right renal pelvis with associated focal caliectasis. Left kidney appears to be malrotated with lobulated outline. There didn't appear to be corticomedullary differentiation, and it just looked bloody weird to me. Probably a congenital malformation. Either that, or chronic infection.

Appointment letter not given to me yet. And apparently, there's some medicolegal and management issues surrounding my employment and job description. Honestly? I'm not doing anything that's compromising my position, or future employment. Management issues, are management issues. I have no say. But medicolegal is my issue. And that's that.

Going out for dinner and drinks with friends later. I see an episode of SATC coming right up, Malaysian style ;) Thumbing my nose at Valentine's, the commercial one. Celebrating it, the traditional one.

Happy Valentine's and 'I Love You's' to:

1) My family

2) My Kuching pals (some of you I've known approx 20 years, more or less. Muax muax!! Something's got to be said for friendships that last that long. I call it Magic and Effort :))

3) My friends from UPM

4) My friends from work and beyond

5) Just my friends :)

6) Those whose hearts I've broken. Hey, I was young, and green and ignorant. And I've never done it intentionally. There are things I really didn't know then. Hopefully, I've learnt them by now.

Ciao!! Fa a modr.. (I think :))

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Happy Valentine's

Happy Valentine's

Currently loving Climie Fisher's 'Rise to the Occasion' and John Legend's 'Save Room'. I'm such a ridiculous sap. Yuck. Disgusted with myself. In my defense, they're both nice songs, ok?

Happy Valentine's y'all.

I blogged. But computer at work doesn't have a thumbdrive. Now curi curi come online. Hehe...