Tears

It's been said that no man is worth your tears, and when you find one who is, he wouldn't make you cry.

In Emily

We were talking, a few friends and I.

And somehow, the discussion led to love and marriage and sex.

Then one of them gave me thought...

For those who've never truly been in love, perhaps it's hard to fathom, much less to swallow.

Why would anyone, if there were major grouses, want to get married to their partner?

If he brags he's all romantic, but he's never done anything truly worthwhile that points to that direction at all, after many moons of being together?

If he's thoughtless and always forgetful, why bother?

If sex with him is not that great after all, then why?

Are there ever any real answers to love and relationships?

At least she knows he's too goody-two-shoes he wouldn't look at another. And I was quiet. I have no response about that.

I wonder why we go on when things seem so futile, so fruitless. When many times, the frustration and despair seem to completely overwhelm. When we wish we could harden our hearts and just walk away without looking back.

So why do we trudge along when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Are we to bump blindly in the dark for eternity?

She said so herself, it didn't get better after marriage. 

I look at her, and I wonder what strength she has to have married him. To still want to try. 

Do I have that?

Blog Trawling... and the Male vs. Female perspective

I haven't been out trawling blogs for a long while... and this morning, while waiting, I went to visit a friend's blog...

If you're one of those idiots who ask me things like: What makes women think that men want to be anything else other than what they are? Well, this particular blog, and my response should be enough: What makes men think they can have everything without a little sacrifice? Women do not ask you to be completely different, but to make steps to be a BETTER person.

Here is her blog, from a married perspective...

I suppose she was writing about her disappointment (and mind you, she was a newly minted newly-wed) of how things do not necessarily change (despite many promises) for the better after marriage. People make their own choices whether or not to change. Other people may nag, but ultimately.... if a person wants to be a stubborn mule, they would remain one. 

People can promise the moon and stars, but action speaks louder than words.

Do take note, italics and bold and different colour/ font sizes were her own emphasis, not mine.

Why I'm not releasing her name, or her link, is because she chose to remain anonymous, writing with a moniker, and I'm not having the same morons who come to MY site to bitch about ME, go over to hers and throw the same kind of tantrum.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

V-Day

Nothing. (Ok, sorry.. I was offered dinner. But going out for dinner right after work, feeling danky in my sweat and in my drabby casual wear? I don't think so .. I wanted to go home first. Then there was complaint on how bad the jam would be. Major turn off. Actually.. you want or don't want to take me out for a nice dinner? If jam also, you can spend time talking to me on the way there and have quality conversation. If really sincerelah, can you do it properly? Instead of .. aiyah .. chin chai lar. Don't you know women like to be romanced? And romancing takes effort and sometimes sacrifice?)

Birthday also nothing. Even my siblings got me chocolates, a card and a really cool looking pen. Even my boss, bought all of us a simple Valentine's Day Lunch.

A friend was saying, "Aiyah all guys are like that wan lah. Married dy can't be bothered ma. More chin chai already"

From this post, I may sound like an insistent, nagging, materialistic woman with expectations sky high. But little do people understand the actual fact. His friend actually said to me the other day: "Aquarians are usually misunderstood." Nobody really bothers to think things differently: it's always easier to blame or think negatively. I'm going to give benefit of a doubt and publish this post tomorrow just to prove a point. I know some will say, you never gave a chance for the person to redeem himself. Like perhaps I'm just quick to blame coz who knows ma, he could have had something planned. Or by me posting this early you're saying he's got no chance to prove me wrong. So ok .. note the publishing time... it is now 10.13AM, 14th February 2008 - Valentine's day. I'm just posting this tomorrow to give benefit of a doubt.

Why do I bitch? Because you bragged. Had you had not bragged about how good and romantic you are, I would not have remembered you ever set the bar that high for yourself, then... I also won't expect as much. Don't tell me you are, then not do it; coz then I'd say you're all talk and no action. Everyone CAN, if they really want to and make the effort to.

To me it's not always the price of it monetarily(like getting me something really expensive), but more the giving of one's self - a small sacrifice. Take for instance a friend is real broke, but still manage to spend RM2.30 on a birthday card. It's the action that counts because as blur as I may be at times, I do see and note your efforts. In fact, it would mean so much more to me, knowing that despite being really broke, you were still willing to spend some on a sweet little card. THAT action is precious to me and makes me see how precious I am to you. I'm also pro something nice and creative(like even if you made your own card), coz then it would mean you took time to plan it properly.

It's a bit like Christian tithing; though some may struggle giving away a fraction of their "security", imagine how honored God must feel that you actually sacrificed and practice faith that He will provide ALL of your NEEDS.

The jizz here for being the romantic person you say you are, is not so much the amount, to me anyways. I'm sure a lot of women would disagree; gushing that anything expensive is a sure thing to their hearts. I'm not saying it doesn't, generally, but it is not a must and not a marker for me to sum up how much a person loves.

It's the fact that you willingly gave what little that you have. THAT to me, is a precious action in itself.

I know you'd argue that the way everyone show love is subjective. But think again, if you're trying to impress the one you love, you WILL have to do it HER way. Not your way. OR better yet, if your way doesn't seem to cut it. Why do you keep at it? Why not change methods and be open about other ways. Coz when you do that, then you make clear effort to get to know her: what she likes and enjoys, her character and mannerisms. Nothing impress a women more than being noticed and being understood.

I AM COMPLETELY GALLED......

** CAREFUL NOW, THIS IS A VERY ANGRY POST. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**

By what is happening to Elizabeth Wong.

Here is a woman I GREATLY respect with regards to her work not just as a politician, but in the human rights and women's rights arena.

And now she's being subjected to this???

Stupid words by a completely IGNORANT man like the ToyoL?

Pulling the parallel with a certain former minister??

HELLO?! He was a MARRIED man!! There's a HUGE difference there?! He made a commitment in the institution of marriage to be faithful to ONE woman! He had a FAMILY!! Wife, children!!

He went to have sex with a 'personal friend' in a hotel/ motel!! It's like going to a BROTHEL!! He was clearly doing it in secret because it's morally wrong!

Elizabeth Wong, on the other hand, is a SINGLE, UNMARRIED WOMAN, SLEEPING in her OWN BED in her OWN HOUSE when her ex-boyfriend FILMED her. WITHOUT HER CONSENT. She was SLEEPING, FOR FUCKS' SAKES!!!

WHAT FUCKING MORAL HIGH GROUND?? The only Moral LOW ground here is her scumbag of an ex-boyfriend, who ILLICITLY took pictures of her naked body and THEN SOLD her off. He should be TRIED AS A PIMP. FUCKER!!

I AM INCENSED BY HOW THIS DRAMA IS GOING!!! INCENSED!!!

It's a COMPLETE BETRAYAL OF TRUST here.

WTF, she's a 37 year old woman who's tall, leggy and attractive. She CANNOT HAVE SEX IN HER OWN HOUSE?! Whether a woman CHOOSES to be MARRIED, is her PREROGATIVE. Some women think they are better off without a fool of a man by their side. Men are hard to look after. Honestly. And some women feel they can dedicate more of themselves to the causes they care about if they remain single.

Like, HELLO? Oprah Winfrey isn't married. I'm SURE SHE has SEX. In her own house and her own bed. But what's this? A MAN can have EXTRAmarital affairs, cheat on his wife and family and make them cry, but WHAT BUSINESS DO WE HAVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S LIFE, and HE HAS MANY TEMPTATIONS as a POLITICIAN, and here's a SINGLE woman and they're talking MORALS????

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! HELLO, a WOMAN has NEEDS, too, k??? What, you're gonna impose GENITAL MUTILATION on US NOW TOO??? Sew up our va-jay-jays and cut off our clit?? Cos YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS like that?! CHAOCHIBAI weiiii..... YOU GOT A MOTHER TOO, FUCKER!

A man can FUCK AROUND in cheap motels but a WOMAN CAN'T BRING HER BOYFRIEND into her OWN HOUSE AND BED??? FUCK YOU LA, WEI. I go install camera in your house and see you got bring OTHER WOMEN into your bed or not, YOU SICK BASTARD WANKER, YOU!! Then again, he's so UGLY, the woman must be desperate, or blind, or both. KANINAHHHH....

Thanks very much, BUT I'll SLEEP NAKED IF I WANT TO. Malaysia is HOT. KL, especially. COS YOU MORONS FUCK AROUND WITH OUR TREES and LEAVE US NONE cos you can't GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT, you'd let ANYONE WHO PAYS YOU THE HIGHEST OVERdevelop a land. YOU'RE TOO BUSY SNOOPING INTO COMPETENT, single FEMALE politicos PRIVATE HOMES.

FUCKING CORRUPT, PEEPING TOMS. COME LET ME KNOCK OUT ALL OF YOUR 2 LOWER RIBS, SO YOU CAN BEND OVER AND SUCK YOUR OWN COCKS. That way at least YOU HORNY BASTARDS WOULDN'T LEAVE YOUR OWN HOMES.

"She is a single person. How can she allow a man into her room when they are not married? What's the status of the relationship," said former Selangor MB Dr Mohd Khir Toyo. <-WHAT A COMPLETE ASSHOLE. I SAY TIE HIM TO A STAKE, MAKE A CUT ACROSS HIS BELLY, BURN HIS INNARDS SLOWLY OVER AN OPEN FIRE WHILE HE WATCHES.

WHICH 5 B.C. CAVE DID ToyoL crawl out from?!

ASSHOLE. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, YOU'VE BEEN COMPLETELY DISCREDITED AS A POLITICIAN. Now that you've made your comment, as a complete HUMAN BEING too. Worse than a guzzling PIG.

I hate the ruling coalitions FOOLS. First they make disgusting remarks about menstruation. And personal attacks about women's dressing. They act all holymoly and shit like that. And yet, IF they have such PURE thoughts about a woman, they wouldn't be talking about private stuff like this now, will they?

I SAY BURN ALL OF THEM and send them back to HELL where they BELONG. FUCKWITS. FUCKTARDS. DUMBFUCKS. GRAHHHHH!!!!

This whole country is going downhill. Seriously.

Is it any wonder?

I have just returned from a dinner date with a collegemate I have not seen since 2001.

When we shared a dorm we were pretty tight until I moved out and we lost touch because I lost my phone.

So here I was having dinner and catching up with her and her roommate, L.

L had her concerns about how C was unreachable for almost two years, and asked her why.

Apparently she had fallen into depression. She had been dating a guy for about 2 years and they had almost gotten married. Bought a house together jointly. She was basically looking after all his affairs, paid for everything, even his phone bills. Even looked after his family.

Then he had an affair. Told different stories to different people. A cunning linguist, that one. Gave the other lady STDs. He had it from a previous girlfriend. Apparently he only confessed long after the relationship was over.

It was all very nasty and horrible. Even until now, after all her money was spent on lawyer's fees, it's still hard for her to regain all her losses on this wretch.

It's sad. Really. The mistakes smart women make over love. We've all been there, some stories worse than others.

I remember how mom and girlfriends always said it was better to marry someone who wasn't suave and sweet-talking. It's always better to marry someone who was a bad liar. Who was direct. Who didn't know how to pretend.

And how a girl always had more to lose. It's always important to protect one's assets. It's not unromantic. It's just.... self-preservation. Romance, sad to say, would have to take a backseat to practicality.

Perhaps this is why some women would rather marry into money.

Me, I figure considering the horror stories and the statistics, how sometimes, it's best to not marry at all. Being single has a ready escape clause. It's always easier to cut one's losses and run without a signed contract in between. Already, like C, she's already having so much trouble (even being single) to cut all ties because it's a case of 'Love and Affection'. What more if she had actually married this man?

Is it any wonder that so many of my year-mates who are good, smart, loving women capable of their own steady income and not intending to marry for money are single and have little intention to settle down, some being downright commitaphobics? We see and hear these cases with our own eyes and ears, many of them our own friends. And we help them pick up the pieces of their lives ruined by the wrong choice of men. We're there as a shoulder to cry on, we're there to offer support, we're there for opinion. We're there when everything crashes and burns.

Is it any wonder then, that we look at the crop of men around and wonder when they will grow up and take responsibility for their own lives, and the decisions that they make?

Is it any wonder then, that we figure if they're not ready to let go of their mothers' apron strings, that the rightful place for them is with their mothers?

Is it any wonder that most of us end up just pursuing our own careers and our own lives, and putting these first because it's a safety net that we know is more reliable? After all, we built them with our own hands. We got here with great effort, many mistakes, and great perseverence. We fought so hard to get to where we are, and are still fighting so hard to stay. And strangely, most of us are where we want to be. At 27/ 28. Finally. Career-wise, most of us are fairly satisfied with our day jobs.

But we're commitaphobes. I can count on one hand the batch-mates that married for love. 

Old maids, all of us. Maybe. Or perhaps, we'd just rather be alone than be unhappy.

Unless the men are worth our while... why bother wasting our fabulous selves on people who'd just make us miserable?

Something to oil the machinery with

the totally yummy chris evans (bottom pic) and scott evans (top pic) in the same room... and me, of course...

damn. :P

too bad scott is gay... hehe...

Cold/ Numb

Yeah, I lost myself along the way.

I was foolish.

Now though, all I feel is cold. Numb. No anger. Though he thought that was what I feel. None at all. No despondency. No despair. All I feel is icy brittle coldness. So cold it burns. 

I was afraid to reach this point. It's the point of no return.

Too bad you had to get me here. You should've sat down with me and talk out our differences with me when I begged you to earlier. When I felt us slipping through our fingers and going down the drain.

But you were so afraid of fights, you bashed my ego up instead. Break me down. Turn me into someone I was not: whiny, afraid, even clingy. And I was foolish. I let you. Fuck me.

So now, I've gotta start over. Break me down. Forget about you. Forget about the nightmare that happened by the beach, your name wiped out by the vast, vast sea.

Go back to where I was. So the cold, cold numbness. It's necessary. All you had to do was admit it was partly your fault, too. Too bad that King of the Mountain Ego couldn't let you.

Coldness. Didn't think it'd happen to you, but I guess it finally did.

Faith

I fasted yesterday... because I felt so lost and so forlorn... and terribly unhappy.

I wanted to know if I was still being seen.

Just the afternoon I had spoken to his mother. And she wanted to know why. She kept asking if it was this, or that... and just hearing that made my throat constrict. She's one of the quirkiest, nicest woman I know.

So I went to midnight mass trying to put on a brave face, and I stepped into a depression in the ground and twisted my ankle. Again. The left one this time around.

And I sat in church feeling sorry for myself. I still am feeling a little sorry for myself. It's christmas. It's the end of a long difficult year. I should be up in Penang having cake with my brother. Explaining the demise of my relationship with his mother... even though that one's not-so-great, but I guess she wants to know... emotional investments are always hard to deal with...

I came home, curled up in bed and cried. I wanted to know why things like this happen. Tired as I was, I reached for my books. Something. Anything. And the book a friend gave me this christmas fell in my hands... and so I read.

And somehow things became clearer. Let everything go. Place my faith in a higher power. For He sees all things, and knows all things. He knows I'm crying now. He knows how I feel I'm a failure at relationships. He knows how I've abstained from my favourite things because I believe I needed to be purer to hear/ to feel.

Christmas speaks to humanity in a way that we can understand. It speaks of faith in the future. If speaks of hope for us all. It speaks of love, that we are loved and we are loveable. It speaks of what every person needs. Faith, Hope and Love, and the greatest of this is Love. With this, Christmas offers us strength. To place our faith and hope in His love for us.

Everything is possible in Him. And he would do what is right by me, in His own time. I can plan all I can, but ultimately, He decides whether or not something happens. He has the power over life and death itself. My time is not His time. Just as my love is nothing compared to His. It shall be as He wills it.

So I'm still running the race, and I'm keeping the faith. People say time heals all wounds, but that's not true. The ex, he should know that very well. It's God who heals. God who touches you, and teaches you to forgive, to let go, to feel compassion, to learn from past mistakes, to love again. With His grace, he'd heal my wounds. With His grace, and if you let Him, he'd heal yours, too. Because His strength will be made perfect in our weaknesses.

He has his plans for me. So be it. I am the handmaiden of the Lord.

This camel's back finally broke

I wash my hands. And feet.

Last night broke this camel's back, I suppose.

So he was terribly busy yesterday. So I texted many times (because I didn't want to call, since he was SOOOOO busy). So I called to ask if we could talk, and if he was busy, we could speak at a later date/ time. Since we're no more, why impose myself on him/ his precious time, right?

See, there was a deadline. Because I can't/ wasn't going to wait forever. And I wasn't going to stay when he had self-esteem issues that sends him to dating websites- that makes him want to have his cake and eat it, too. He says they are distance issues. Whatever. Why stay since we'll be long distance anyway, and the issues stay the same?

But given the global economic climate and the bleak predictions for next year, I realise that the deadline can't work anymore. So I called... to discuss that.

What do I get? An angry, cranky, verbally abusive guy. So he has spillover from work aggression. Well, he could just say 'I've had a terrible day, let's do this tomorrow? Or after I've showered and cooled down?' No, what I got was rudeness: 'I'm so sorry but I've had a bad day, and I'd like to drink myself to sleep. Bye.' Having a bad day at work was no excuse for being rude/ verbally abusive.

Right. I remember now why, apart from the many things that he said he'd do which he didn't, the little things he could have done that would have made it easier for me as a girlfriend, the fact that he cheated on me (whether or not it was with me/ for me is beside the issue), the fact that I can't trust him and he's so not ready for a relationship with a woman who's out of college and is working, was the fact that when he has a bad day at work, he was difficult at best, downright verbally abusive at worst. So yes, it becomes a vicious cycle that escalates because I wouldn't like it, and I'd call him out on it.

And I was foolish enough to think that daily communication could build the intimacy that would help to avoid that. Unfortunately that wasn't so. The daily communication totally backfired because he'd rather go out and unwind with other people than talk to me after a bad day at work.

I've always thought that we should be our best around the people we love most, even though sometimes we tend to forget and get short-tempered because we expect them to understand us best. But like wearing my best and most beautiful underwear out to work/ out with friends/ out shopping, while wearing ugly granny panties at home.... shouldn't it be the other way round? Shouldn't we show the people we love most our best behaviour, because we should be making every moment count? Because we never know when the people we love most would be taken away from us in the blink of an eye. It would be too late to regret then.

Perhaps he has differing views about this. But I certainly can't sit around and wait to see if he changes his attitudes and his viewpoint. I waited for a man for 4 years once. I was foolish then. I'm certainly not doing that anymore.

I'm also not marrying a man who verbally abuses me. No way am I having my kid grow up watching his father call his mother names while his mother quietly and patiently takes it all in. I'm not that kind of woman. I will never be.

I also do not want to be with a man who is at his best with other people while he's at his worst with me.

I have no regrets.

I have never once called him names. Yes, I have told him he was acting like an asshole, but never once have I called him names. Even when I caught him cheating on me red-handed, I didn't say 'Fuck You', or 'Asshole' or 'Bastard' even when I could tell he was expecting it. All I asked was why. 

Because I respect him as a person and as my boyfriend. Apparently he did not show me, and still does not show me the same respect.

I may not be supermodel gorgeous, I may be possessive of my lover, but I am beautiful, as a person, and I did try to make him happy while I was with him. 

I deserve someone who thinks that I am beautiful, and who makes me feel beautiful, and who gives me the same honesty, loyalty and respect that I offer him. Who finds that spending time talking to me is more important than with other people, barring his family. Who thinks that I am important, and who SHOWS me that I am. 

Who doesn't keep expecting me to be loyal, to put up with his issues, and be more understanding of the difficulties that he was facing, and the hours that he kept, and the distance that was between us, and the fact that he has friends of other sexes he likes to spend time with, while he can't seem to do the same for me.

I deserve a man who appreciates me.... who welcomes me for who I am. Who thinks that what I bring to the table is enough. Who tries hard to please me, not because I ask him to, but because he wants to, and he knows it would make me happy. Unfortunately... RF, he doesn't. 

Despite what potential I still see in him, I can't stay and I can't wait. No man who loves a woman would make her wait. Would still keep his dating websites active. Would still act like an arse to her after she's already spoken up about it. Granted he can't transplant himself yet, but there were steps he could have already taken to rectify some of the issues that were brought up. To make her feel like she's worth it. Worth some sacrifices, at least.

But I guess to him, I'm just another hotel room while he waits to find the perfect house. Or perhaps he is just content to live out of hotel room after hotel room all the days of his life. After all, hotel rooms have their own housekeeping. It requires less investment in the long run. And the hotel room will always look more or less the same from one to another.

I guess you can say.... I've completely given up hope on this one. Totally.

2008

It's been a long, difficult year.

High points. Low points.

I've had to struggle in my career, in my personal life. I've had to shelve a few plans.

2008 has been bittersweet.

Career-wise, it's a cliffhanger. Salary increment plans would be on hold till further notice. So there's that. Nothing I can say about that. I'm just glad I've done what I've aimed to do when I took this job offer: Learn. And that I have. It's better no salary increment than to have a pay-cut and get laid off anyway, which is being done in several companies, given the current economic climate. So I'll dig my heels in and weather the storm as best I can. After all, it wasn't a bad start to my new job. And I'm trying to keep as positive as I can.

Personal life, well I suppose if anyone's been following that's off till further notice too. I'm not sure where that will be going. I suppose for now, I'll be concentrating on me. 'Cos I've let go. There's no more anger, no more frustration, just sadness. Resignation. Forgiveness too, for what had been done. Although I wouldn't let any of that happen to me again. That's just self-preservation. Once bitten, twice shy. But we've both made many mistakes, and forgiveness is important to move forward with living.

It sucks to break up right before the holiday season. Christmas was always the most quietly romantic holiday for me. Time to spend with loved ones. People we cherish most. But in a way I'm glad. And relieved. It would suck even more to be crying and fighting during the holiday season. Mayhap it's better this way.

There's much to be learnt from solitude after all.

Met a friend I knew from a friend, and barely know in person on fb chat. And he tells me: 'cheer up dear... good things always around the corner... though sometimes it can be a long corner... nevertheless .... good things...'

Strangely comforting, coming from a guy who annoys me to bits each time we meet. :P Probably the first time he sounds his age in the few times we meet... and immediately after, he sounds like his usual jackass self again :)

That, though, somehow made me cry again, silly as it is... it's been a really long corner this year, and I've come right to the edge of breaking point so many times. I suppose that's the price to pay for growing up. I do hope he's right... I could do with a nice break, even a small one, just to know the effort's not all been in vain.

So I wanna take a break. From the daily grind for awhile. Just to recharge, rejuvenate. Probably remove myself from people for awhile. Just to rediscover myself.

It's been a long corner of a year. But I've had no regrets.

I ended the year:

1. On a cliffhanger due to the global economic downturn.

2. Newly single again, though with many new friends.

3. Learning how to clean the radiator gasket for a car... that's another completely different blog altogether. Stay tuned.

4. Back to my November 2007 waistline... Yes, I can fit in old jeans again. That's how much I lost weight due to the events of the past 2-3 months.

5. Having a new appreciation for my family and friends, well-meaning that they are... though not necessarily always helpful :P but still... well-meaning....

I wish to have a clean, fresh start to 2009, with renewed hope for the future, whatever it is it has in store for me.

Life goes on, after all. And I hope my friend is right. Good things always around the corner.

Let's drink to the past, toast to the future, and cheer the present.

In that moment between sleep and wakefulness...

Is when I usually get little flashbacks/ epiphanies/ whatchamacallits... basically, it's when I'm enlightened. Perhaps God does talk to man after all, if we'd only listen.

More than a year ago, someone's behavioural pattern became obvious to me, and I realised that nothing I can do can make a difference....

Early this year, I woke up with the certainty that someone I had the longest unrequited feelings for was getting married.

This morning, I woke up and realised... It was as much what was NOT being done, as what was being done that caused the drift... left me feeling sad, empty, disappointed and disillusioned... But considering that we're both adults, and stubborn... I'm not sure if this would be what would undo us completely.

That's a very sad thought...

14 months

If only people just said what they meant... and meant what they said... the world would be a much better place.

He says I don't get it.

Perhaps we don't understand each other.

Looking back at 14 months...

When we were going out, he spent more time with his pals than he did with me, even when I was there.

But now that we aren't, it's as though I matter even less now: 'Don't expect VIP service anymore'.

Strange... I never did feel like I was a veep in the first place.

This was one of my two trips up north where we actually did spend quality time together. Too bad that it was too little, too late. Too bad that the last time was November of last year.

Why is it that when we were supposedly going 'steady' that I feel like I'm being taken for granted?

We never really did have nice sit-down-hold-hands dinners together. Not since he came down to ask me to be his woman. Never since. Not on Christmas. Not on New Year's. Not on Valentine's. Not on either of our birthdays. Not on our 'anniversary'.

1 month into the relationship, we spent some quality time together. We were happy.

2 months into the relationship, I went up for New Year's Eve. I spent it with his friends. He was working. He came around just to wish me Happy New Year's and kiss me good night. When he came home in the morning and fell asleep, he called out the ex's name in sleep. On New Year's Day.

4 months into the relationship, and we've hardly seen each other. He was supposed to make a trip down after CNY for Valentine's too. Work got in the way.

5 months into the relationship, I found sexchat vids in his computer.... months later, I turn on an old phone to find sexy texts corresponding to the date of the vids... around the time I went home for CNY. Yes, by then, the trust had been slowly eroded over a series of very unfortunate events. I almost walked out on him 5 months into the relationship.

6 months into the relationship, we attempted to work out the relationship and took a trip together. It was the first time he actually held me and cuddled me in his sleep. I cried that night. It was the first time I truly felt like a girlfriend.

7 months into the relationship. He bought me a cake for my birthday. Unfortunately I was stupid and the poor cake melted. I appreciated the gesture. It was sweet. No dinner though... he had to work. We did manage to catch Ironman together. 7 months into the relationship, we finally watched a movie together.

9 months into the relationship, he came down for his friend's wedding. I had a horrible nightmare that night. It was the first time I noticed he was symptomatic, too.

Almost 10 months into the relationship, I went up north again. We managed to catch The Dark Knight together. After waiting for so long.

10 months into the relationship... he slipped into mild depression. He felt like he was going nowhere. He didn't want to talk to me either.

11 months into the relationship, he put up as profile picture, a photo he took while having a costume party for his yearly birthday bash. The picture had him and another girl wearing matching coloured outfits (it just happened to be so) sharing a seat. Very nice picture. Very cute too. The girl wasn't me. And I've never met her. Yes, she was a close friend. I wouldn't care if it was just another photo. 

But it was an uncaptioned profile picture for a good 3 weeks or so despite my protestations. After a very long, very angry fight where he threatened to dump my jealous ass, the picture came down.

Almost 12 months into the relationship, I spent the festive season with him. His parents sat me down and queried me about many things, basically whether I was serious about their son. Whether I was willing to make the necessary sacrifices. He watched. When we were alone, he asked if I was going to leave him.

12 months into the relationship... we're fighting more than we're laughing. Angry more than we're happy. I called for a break. He changed his status to 'single'. He thought I wanted a break up. 

13 months into the relationship, he came down for a patch up. For the first time, we actually spent a day walking around aimlessly, shopping.

2 weeks later, he was out 'unwinding'. I wanted to talk to him. He was with friends. He never talks much to me when he's out with friends. Too noisy, he says. I call again an hour later. He was still out. And again half an hour later. Still out. He snapped at me: I'd call you when I'm home. Then out comes the accusations: You don't trust me, might as well we be over.

A few days later, my alterego gets messaged by my boyfriend of almost 14 months on a dating webbie.

I walked out in the rain.

It was cold outside... colder still within me.

14 months. I go up north one last time for some explanation. I wanted to know why. What did I ever do that he'd hurt me this way? By his own admission, he's flirtatious by nature.

I never did feel like a veep. How could I? Given the circumstances?

14 months. 

Granted it's long distance. Granted he works when I sleep, and sleeps when I wake. Granted I'll never really know where he is exactly at any given time.

But does he have to be such a man always that he can't be seen showing his woman a little bit of affection? Does he have to prove he's such a man, having a permanent woman is not enough, he's got to see if he 'still got it'?

Yes, in his own way, he loves me. But he's got really strange ways of showing that.

I don't know about his exes... I don't know about him... but I can't pretend to still be with a man when I'm looking around to see if I 'still got it'. I just can't.

For me, it's best to make my case and leave, with as little emotional baggage as possible. It's pointless dragging around a dead weight of a relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

After all, he says all these wouldn't happen if we were nearer each other. But there's nothing we can do about the distance right now. Both of us had always known that it was going to be long distance.

14 months.

I've been jealous. The distance and the timing. Which girlfriend has never been, please stand up now, so I know I've been stupid.

I've been paranoid. The distance and the timing and the events that had ensued due to that.

I've even been psychotic. The distance, the timing, the events that slowly unfolded over 14 months.

I've been a royal bitch. Definitely. I no longer want to be a pushover after all. I say what's on my mind. I don't like what I've been getting, and I'm saying so. Because boyfriends who marry their girlfriends don't treat said girlfriends like this :( Not the ones I know anyway.

He asks if I actually believe that I'm just another one of his girlfriends that mean nothing. I would like to think I made a difference. That I AM different. But I'm not going to blind myself to what's happening around me. Nothing has changed as yet. 

We're still long distance after all. Our relationship also ended due to the distance and the timing and the constraints and issues that spring out of these differences. Unless something changes, I am going to end up just another statistic after all.

I can't live on sweet promises alone, after all :( 

14 months of sweet promises, and occasional tastes of passion.

Much as I'd like to nurture that long lost hopeless romantic buried somewhere deep within me, I'd like something tangible to hold on to.

The romance can always come out of a strong loving relationship based on respect, trust and communication. There will always be room for romance in a relationship like that.

14 months. I look at the 2 mementos he left me, and I am deeply saddened.

I haven't managed to take down much food since Sunday.

And today, for the first time in 2 1/2 days, I pooped... instead of purged... and it was green. 

But I suppose my sorrow cannot be greater than a friend's. To have lost twins over the weekend. I'm so sorry, honey. I'd give you a big comforting hug if I could.

A boring workday.... a not-so-boring conversation

This was just WAAAYYYYY TOOOOO precious to NOT cut and paste up as a blogpost :P

Btw, my dear blogders... if any of you knows of any guy who fits the description below, please drop me an email at: nemesisonfire@gmail.com. I got a big-breasted, small-footed, fair-skinned, slit-eyed, technologically-CRAZY, slightly manic, virginal girl friend to introduce to him :P

I'd so get slaughtered for pimping her off like this :D but oh well.... :P

On a fine Friday afternoon, getting typically bored at work on a typically unexciting workday, other than completely scandalising my totally straitlaced (though I'd bet he's gay) colleague (he reads Jane Austen! I mean.... even the lady mentioned below can't stand Jane Austen! ohh... I forgot, she's quite male :P) and my completely gay colleague who fancies Mr. Straitlace.... the day continued to crawl along at a snail's pace as usual....

Until! I had the fine idea to have Ms. XY entertain me... she's very good at that :P

After all, we had a hot new topic to discuss.... a mutual friend's recent erm.... sexploits. Let's call her Ms. XX

[15:17]: teeteeteeeettttttt
[15:17]: i'm bored
[15:17]: i hear u gave ms. xx the third degree
ms. xy [15:17]: of coz
[15:18]: :P
[15:18]: yes, mama
[15:18]: :D
[15:18]: u're like the mother hen
[15:18]: guarding all the little chicks
[15:19]: then u peckpeck them if they run out of the reban ayam :P
ms. xy [15:19]: ??
ms. xy [15:19]: uh yeah.......
ms. xy [15:19]: if they something stupid
[15:20]: :D
[15:20]: u do realise....
[15:21]: it's fun watching u go nutterz? :P
[15:22]: and when u go: are u friggin outta ur mind?
[15:23]: but yalah
[15:23]: i told her i agree with u :P a bit ironic for a person selling HIV kits to be so ermmm.... cavalier :)
ms. xy [15:24]: was foaming at the mouth
[15:24]: ermmmm
[15:24]: i can imagine :P
[15:25]: why, did she come one day all starry eyed and all? :P
ms. xy [15:25]: no
ms. xy [15:25]: she spilled
ms. xy [15:25]: w/o me sayin nuthing
[15:26]: oh? yalar... she came all starry eyed
[15:26]: and cooey and happy :P
[15:26]: going it was so nice, etc etc? :P
ms. xy [15:28]: nope
ms. xy [15:28]: a bit sheepish actually
ms. xy [15:28]: since i querried bout d *ahem*
[15:30]: i KNEW it. u'd be the one going: are u practising safe sex? :P
[15:30]: then she'd go: i'm on the pill......
[15:30]: :P
ms. xy [15:33]: yes the it'll be i'm said SAFE sex. not birth control
[15:33]: :)
[15:34]: welllll.... i was quite stunned at first too
[15:34]: him being *** and all
[15:34]: if he's circumcised, it'll lessen the chances a bit
ms. xy [15:34]: *rolls eyes*
[15:34]: :D
[15:35]: man.... i wonder if u finally get a bf, u'd make him do the entire bloodtest, condom thingy :P
ms. xy [15:37]: prob
ms. xy [15:37]: n a full body scrubdown with antimicrobials
ms. xy [15:37]: mayb wrap him in nano silver
[15:43]: .....
[15:43]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[15:43]: u wanna turn him into a robot, duncha
[15:43]: hahahahaha
[15:44]: then how about the sex?
[15:44]: and the french kissing?
[15:44]: no go? :P
ms. xy [15:47]: after the nano silver works its magic
[15:47]: HAHAHAHAHAHA
[15:48]: u gonna wrap the insides of his mouth with nano silver too?
[15:48]: direct bodily fluid exchange how? :P
ms. xy [15:52]: more like flush his blood stream with it
ms. xy [15:53]: then make him wear a patch that constantly excrets d particles into him
[15:54]: LOL
[15:54]: ROFLMAO
[15:54]: thanks for making my day
[15:54]: u soooo want a robot for a bf
ms. xy [15:56]: of coz
[15:58]: can i PLEASE
[15:58]: put this on my blog?
[15:58]: PLEASE?
[15:58]: :P
[15:58]: who knows a guy who doesnt mind having nano silver pumped into him may JUST read my blog
[15:58]: hurhurhur
ms. xy [15:59]: funny
[15:59]: since he doesnt mind nano silver....
ms. xy [15:59]: i'm not really a fan of nano-silver
[15:59]: he'd prolly won't mind cosmetic surgery if he ain't cute enough :P
[15:59]: and he just MIGHT be ur bionic man
ms. xy [15:59]: but its anti-microbial properties will hav to do
[15:59]: :P
ms. xy [15:59]: funny
[15:59]: tea tree oil? :P
[15:59]: garlic??
[15:59]: :D
ms. xy [15:59]: no too organic
[15:59]: LOL
[16:00]: nano silver it is then
[16:00]: :P

Yes, I've asked her permission to post this up. She wants royalties. I figured if we get to marry her off, I should be getting royalties instead :P and yes, I forgot to mention. She bad at spelling :P

this is from 101 things every man should know how to do

... and it's fucking funny.

don't ask me why, but i'm one of those chicks who reads guys mags and books written for men and am very entertained by them. although, i also read trashy romance novels that has lines like: as he parted her lips with gentle precision, tenderly licking their tender, moist parting back and forth with firm, gentle strokes, determined to get into her inner sanctum, she moaned and whimpered softly, melting and yielding to his expert caresses.

yep, i just made that one up :P maybe next time i'll write a 12 page long one on just french kissing alone. just for fucks :P

anyway, here goes. laugh out loud. this IS funny, k? i wish i coulda printed this list and put it on the table of someone i formerly worked for who was insufferable, though. he could do with a lesson (or a dozen) on how to impress women. 'nuff said. :D

15 Ways to Your Woman's Heart....and Bed
Author: teresa1699
Word count: 832
Note: These are not in any particular order of importance.

1. Power tools are your friends. So is your woman's vibrator. Do not be intimidated if she knows more about both than you do.

2. Speak more than one language. Note to all men: Sports lingo does not qualify as a second language.

3. Laundry: Do not underestimate the sexiness of a man who can speak eloquently about Tide vs. All. Show me a man who can sort, wash , fold and put away in the correct locations and I will show you a man who gets laid , a lot.

4. Trim that hair (and we are not talking about facial hair). Back hair is a no-no. If we want to see Darwin's missing link in action, we will visit the Museum of Natural History. Trimming your nether regions is highly recommended. We don't like hair in our teeth either.

5. Autos: There is something undeniably sexy about a man who knows his way around an engine. Maybe it's the attention to detail , maybe it's a great ass bent over a hood of a car, whatever the appeal, a man that knows cars seems like he wouldn't mind spending a little extra time under your, um..... hood.

6. We do not want to be your mother. Especially if we have children with you. We want an equal partnership. We understand that it varies day to day on who does more. As long as the balance shifts in an appreciable way, we are happy. We hate to nag, really. Yes, we like to take care of you, we also like to have sex with you. (If this reminds you of your mother, I can recommend a great book. It's got this guy named Oedipus in it.)

7. Know how to give a massage: A massage should not just be foreplay. A massage is one of the most singly unselfish acts that a person can do for another. Granted, massage can lead to great sex because knowing that your partner is doing something solely for your benefit can be a turn-on and we just might feel like reciprocating.

8. Kids: How to narrow this down. First and foremost, you do not babysit your children. I have heard countless dads say that they are babysitting their kids. Have you ever heard a woman spew this nonsense? Second, diaper changing is not the sole domain of mothers. There is not a female gene that makes cleaning up poop any more palatable to us than to a male. Thirdly, with older children, cereal and chicken fingers are not a food group. Know how to feed your kids healthy stuff.

9. Guns: Owning one is a personal choice, but there is a reason Bruce Willis is still popular. A man that knows how to handle a gun seems in control and that he could keep you safe if need be. And deep down, women like men who kick the bad guy's ass.

10. Bugs: Killing bugs is a man's job. Period. We might even let you skip doing the dishes tonight if you will just kill whatever is scurrying across the floor, because while we might be able to handle the frogs, killing a cockroach and picking up its squirming body is just too much.

11. Gifts: Pick your own. Your secretary is not sleeping with your wife, has not watched her push something the size of a cantalope out of something the size of a kumquat when your firstborn came into the world, so why is she deciding what to get your wife? In theory, you should know us better than anyone else. We will be happy with almost anything you pick out for us, but stay away from appliances. Unless we have specifically asked for a vacuum, don't bring home a Dyson, because that vacuum will the the only sucking action going on in your house for weeks to come.

12. Directions: Why is it such a hardship for men to ask for directions? Are you scared of looking stupid in front of us? I guarantee that driving around lost for hours and refusing to ask for help is what makes you look an imbecile.

13. Tits: Know how to tell fake ones from real ones. What is the appeal of silicone boobs anyway? Imagine if men had silicone penises. Wouldn't the guy with the real 10 inch penis feel a little irritated that the fake penis was getting all the attention? We kind of feel the same way when it comes to boobs.

14. Cooking/Food/Wine: Food is a very sensual thing in a lot of ways. It involves all your senses, from the presentation to the scent to the texture of the meal. A man who can cook or appreciates good wine and a good meal is someone who likes to engage all their senses and that is a very good thing in bed.

15. Know your limitations: Every man has a talent. It could be dancing, it could be taxidermy, it could be cooking. If you aren't good at something, don't pretend to be. If you can't dance or sing , a career on Broadway is probably out. Be confident in your abilities but not arrogant in your limitations. Besides I can't remember ever seeing a tap-dancing taxidermist on Hell's Kitchen , can you?

Vindaloo Curry

In one of House's episodes, House's ex-wife described their relationship as vindaloo curry. Spicy, flavourful, exciting, so hot. And you go on eating because it tastes so good until it burns. And then you never want to even look at curry again. Until one day, you wake up, and you just want vindaloo curry so bad.

I wonder if sometimes we're just drawn to people like that. So different in many fundamental ways, and would never come together if not for being drawn that way. And despite both parties' best efforts and good intentions, sometimes it's just best to leave the curry alone.

Because curry will be curry. Curry will never change. If it's watered down, it's not curry anymore.

Unfinished

There are times when you come to mind.

And I wonder about what you're doing and how you are. And yet I never pick up the phone to call, in fact, I might have forgotten your number now. Funny, because only recently, I still did. Someone asked me if I have mental blocks. And I wonder if you're one of it.

And I wonder, too, what it would be if we were still talking.

I wonder about the what ifs, what could bes, and what might have beens.

I also wonder, what we would say to each other if we ever do cross paths in the future. Would I recognise your face if I see you again? Would you remember me? Would we pretend we didn't see each other and walk away? Or would we stop to say hello, even stop for a drink for old times' sakes?

I've no business wondering. I did force myself to forget.

And its strange that, almost always, invariably, the memory of you visits me when I'm at my saddest. When episodes of my life flashes before my closed eyes like seasons from a sitcom. So clear it was almost like yesterday.

In a way, perhaps, you're one of my regrets, if I have any. Perhaps because between you and I, its unfinished business.

So many things left unsaid, so much emotions left unspoken, so much left unexplained.

Although, I could, in a way, conclude from the lack of communication, a form of closure in itself, still, it's different than hearing it from you.

But perhaps, that always was our issue in the first place. You never really did speak much, and for myself, then, being young as I was, neither did I.

Henceforth, I promised myself that I would speak my mind, at whatever cost, because when it comes to you and I....

I just regret how things turned out.

while i've been away.....

was away at a WoW house... where all the comps are always in fully-utilised mode, so i didn't have much of a chance to blog despite my wanting to write about several things.

things are in full swing now that i'm back at work (:() but i still really wanna blog about the horny politician.

so an em-ian minister pulls a clinton.... and is considered a HERO cos he 'apologises' about it in public.... though how it's called an apology is beyond me.

what about it irks me?

statements such as 'she is a PERSONAL FRIEND' (hohoho) and 'unsure whether it was old or new'... right....
and his 'next course of action' has yet to be decided: 'I will think about it after meeting the press.' (and fucking 'em female press ppl silly? they're all personal friends)

and then the police are coming down on those who own/distribute the DVD.... HUH?? it's an offense... right...

here's the thing: if he were an opp leader, he'd be crucified downside up by now. and subject to all forms of verbal and what-not abuse on his character...

and really now, his being recorded fucking a 'personal friend' silly should be ample proof of a lack of moral credibility, and he should step down from politics gracefully.

even Clinton would probably have done so if such proof were circulated around the US of A, in, say, Arkansas.

in all seriousness, my bitterness with the ruling team aside:
i'm not saying it's right to invade one's privacy with recordings and such... it IS. but would there be such a crackdown and hue-and-cry on the invasion of privacy if it were, say, an artiste? or just an ordinary person like you or me? or if it were an opposition leader?

yes, temptations abound. perhaps the marriage has long been dead.... but he is STILL married. is it more right for him to maintain his marriage for the sake of posterity (and because it clouds the eyes of the public, therefore, making it easier to enter politics) and then fuck 'personal friends', or 'not-so-personal friends', rather than get a divorce and fuck 'friends' as a bachelor?

it's one thing to be a single man with a fuckbuddy. quite another to be a married/unavailable man with a fuckbuddy.

if you're a confirmed bachelor/bachelorette who doesn't pretend to want a relationship/emotional entanglement, it's a completely different ballgame than a man or woman who has ties that bind.

yes, he may be a good politician, leader of the people, one who does the duties of his office faithfully. perhaps. but betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust. if he were a good politician, etc. etc. then his error in judgment is one the people of his constituency as well as himself has to pay heavily for. which is very very sad... because in all fairness, he HAS been a good Minister of Health, in my opinion.

but fair is fair. pay for his error he has to. and firstly, he has a lot to make up for. to his wife and children, most of all, if they still mean a lot to him. if his marriage has long been over, then it's perhaps about time he stop the farce and file for divorce. if said 'personal friend' is someone he has long wanted to marry, then do so. it's better than living a lie. and lying to the public.

whether it were just a fling, or an emotional entanglement, is BESIDE THE POINT. it doesn't make his behaviour any more RIGHT. in fact, an emotional entanglement, makes it even sadder. because the poor woman AS WELL AS his poor wife has to suffer in silence for such a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time. how idiot politicians interviewed in the papers (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/1/6/focus/19931882&sec=focus) can make one less 'sinful' than the other just shows how SHALLOW and SUPERFICIAL some people are. and how they hold DOUBLE STANDARDS for different groups of people.

yes, after marriage, you may still meet another man or woman that you fancy. but is it RIGHT to pursue both at the same time? marriage is a CHOICE. it is a COMMITMENT. it means choosing to fuck one vagina or one penis for the rest of your fucking life (pun intended). it means keeping yourself emotionally, mentally and physically LOYAL to ONE PERSON until you die (or the marriage gets dissolved). it means RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY.

like a job: if you're working for someone, you may still find another job that you fancy. should you pursue both at the same time too? certainly not. you WOULD get fired. and you WOULD receive disciplinary action. but in marriage it's ok? shouldn't you suffer the same fate? isn't a person's tie to another person more important than a person's tie to a job? both are COMMITMENTS. why is one less important than another?

in an ordinary citizen, such behaviour is wrong. ordinary people suffer censure for it. in a politician holding office, does that make it OK? certainly not. perhaps we should make all politicians who say stupid things like that step down as well. because i'm deeply ashamed to hear such idiocy coming out of the mouths of our elected MPs.

but in all sarcasm for the ruling team:
perhaps i should join the party too, so i could fuck around with 20 year-old male gigolos at 50 and call them personal friends. and then still arrogantly say that i'm unsure about how old the tape was, just so ppl will think i 'masih bocor' at 50.

seriously. this place is going steadily downhill. it makes me sick.

the self-aggrandizement and egocentricity of emian politics and politicians sickens me. this just epitomises such disgustingly low-life behaviour.

and the datin.... what the fuck? 'trying to pull a hillary?' was the first thing i told the boy when i read the papers.

i swear by God's footstool and by the heavens, if the boy ever pulls a 'datuk CSL' on me, i'd:
a) call the courts on him and get him crucified.
b) empty his savings and make them MINE.
c) tie him up to a chair next to his own bbq pit, build a slow fire, cut up his stomach with a katana (yes, trust me, i know ppl who collects swords as a hobby), pull out his intestines slowly and start slowly roasting it over the slow fire (while he's still alive, yes...) while:
d) getting several HUGE-ASS STEROID-ADDICTED IRON-PUMPERS in gimp-suits to gang-rape his ass..
e) get all my friends to make a recording of said unwilling homosexual orgy
f) distribute said recording for FREE
g) carve some curses into his sorry penis with a blunt apparatus
h) castrate said sorry penis with said bloody blunt apparatus
i) by the time all that is done, if he isn't dead yet, he'd wish he was.

i know he reads my blog :P and i know that the above was a resurrection of my coldly graphic male-bashing a la Sixth Form. yes, i knew precisely why most guys feared me. i know. there's prime example there. well, i don't care. all the better for him to know that he shouldn't humiliate and cross me that way unless he wants to be tortured and killed slowly and painfully and even more humiliatingly.

but he's an intelligent man :D with a past of his own. i'm sure he knows better ;)

Insomnia

movement... in the depths of my subconscious.

movement... the clock ticks. it slows down for no man or woman.

movement... restlessness. sleeplessness.

movement... and yet unseen. i feel it in the tingle on my skin. in the things i see between sleep and wakefulness. that no man's land. subtle... but it's there.

and last night for some reason, i couldn't sleep. something's afoot, and i know it. 0100 hours. 0300 hours. 0500 hours. 0700 hours. finally. o sleep, tis a gentle thing, beloved from pole to pole. to mary queen, the praise be giv'n, she sent the gentle sleep from heav'n, that slid into my soul. 0800 hours. and i'm awake.

the answer's on the calendar.

dammit. gotta put old demons to rest. watch em shrivel like an overturned snail covered in salt. it has to be SO over. i ain't hittin' 27 with a deadweight of shit on my shoulders.

so i dug into the demon-infested recesses of my memories, and revisited old wounds today. i don't know why i do this, sometimes. but i feel that i must do certain things only when i'm ready, and as a test to ascertain that i truly am ready to lay all ghosts to RIP.

the carousel... has stopped spinning. i've gotten off, finally. i walk away, but as i do, i look behind one last time. it had been quite a ride. there is a lot of sadness, and some nostalgia, a little bit of fondness. but i know full well the ride is over. and this would be one ride i would really rather not get on again.

i guess this explains it best:

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later I get what I’m asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
The truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you (I'll always have you)

Sick of playing all of these games
It’s not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror didn’t deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could stop
Admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I’ve gotta be strong and leave you behind

If I live every moment
Won’t change any moment
There's still a part of me in you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do, oh

~Jordin Sparks, Tattoo~

the precipice... i realise now was a path i had to travel. a situation i had to experience to gain better insight into my own psyche. to better understand my motivations. the fall was painful and deeply depressing. but with it was a lesson so priceless, it was worth it all. to know who your true friends are, to realise why you make the mistakes that you do, is an epiphany that i would never give up now that i have the knowledge. self-knowledge is more potent than any other, perhaps because it is like taking one more step closer to God. He did, after all, make us in His likeness.

i have no regrets. the precipice happened for a reason, and even if the other party learnt nothing from it, i have done my part, and i have done my best.

this i walk away from without looking back at all. no nostalgia, no fondness, just self-awareness.

Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging the waters til the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember anything I said when I said,

Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding
Oh hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you've left to go?
She cries her life is like
Some movie in black and white
Dead actors faking lines, over and over and over again she cries

And I watched as you turned away
You don't remember, but I do
You never even tried
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again, oh

~Fuel, Hemmorhage~

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'M NOT SORRY THERE'S NOTHING TO SAVE...

~Stars, Your Ex-Lover Is Dead~

***
and as i toss and turn in my sad excuse for a bed last night, i wonder what the future has in store for me. so the demons are banished. what next?

this year has been difficult. yes i'm wiser now, i hope.

but all these just serves to tell me one thing. i know nothing. i can make no promises. all i have is me. and who i am now.

all of these just serves to remind me: i am of this earth. my life is not my own.

there is a greater power at work here. all i can do is plan. but whether or not my plans come to pass is not of my jurisdiction.

and i miss you. terribly.

have i ever told anyone: i find christmas a more subtly romantic event than valentine's? christmas is for family, and good friends, and cosy dinners. it's about passion and firelights. something of a reality rather than the candlelights of which dreams are spun.

and i miss you. terribly.

for one with such perpetual verbosity as i, the silence i find myself in now is plain insufferable.

and this christmas, words fail me.

so i suppose i'd just borrow janis gott's:

I know Santa is a friend of mine and he's always been good to me
Always treats me right every Christmas night puts things beneath my tree.
But the one thing I want him to bring has never been on his sleigh
It's always on my mind, a gift I'm hoping to find when I open my eyes on Christmas day

I want you to wrap your love around me like a big red Christmas bow
I want to feel your love surround me everywhere I go
And when the holidays are over no more tinsel, no more snow
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow

Take the stockings from the fireplace but leave the angel on the tree
To watch, protect and to direct your love straight down to me
Now close your eyes, here's my surprise, feel my heart if you need a clue.
It is yours alone for you to keep and to own in return I ask one thing of you.

I want you to wrap your love around me like a big red Christmas bow
I want to feel your love surround me everywhere I go
And when the holidays are over not a trace of mistletoe
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow
Your love will still be wrapped around me like a big red Christmas bow

~Janis Gott, Big Red Christmas Bow~

and again... i miss you. terribly.

Mourning and Healing

this was meant to be blogged earlier. because it was something that happened over the weekend. but i only managed to find some time now.

sometimes the biggest epiphanies hits you between the eyes when you least expect it to.

spent the wee hours of sunday crying quietly in bed.

spent saturday night out celebrating a good buddy's birthday, ex-housemates from 'the apartment'. the scandalous apartment. the one with booze parties and things that happen with booze parties. u get the picture.

there's something i wanna say to someone who shared that table that saturday night.

**

thank you. i took up that dare because i needed to feel like a woman again. because i needed to heal.

no, i didn't realise it then. all i felt then was depression, and pain suppressed so deeply in me, it took all i had to not go back to the darkness i thought i had left behind when i moved out.

of course, you probably didn't realise i was doing that. how could you, when i barely realised it myself?

i'm not even sure anyone at that booze party realise the fragile mask i had put on. the anger and frustration behind the smile. the mask-it was pure china, all of it.

there were signs, though, i normally don't start a drinking session by sculling whiskey neat, immediately. shot after shot of it. special brew, to boot. i like to start my drinking session slow and easy, normally.

i wonder if anyone noticed the craziness in my eyes. then again, i was wearing my glasses. it was dark. and i act crazy all the time. add to that the fact that everyone was trying to knock themselves out. no, i guess not.

i'm sorry if knowing this now would make you feel used. i don't mean it to. i didn't even realise it then. i suppose we'd always be teased about it. which is fine by me. i did ask for it by taking up your challenge. after all... i was single then, and so were you. you liked it then, and so did i.

and though i suspect you too, were harbouring your own dirty little depressing secret, it was still no excuse.

i doubt you know what you did for me. how broken i was inside then. how i curled myself up into a little ball every night as i wrapped myself around the middle in the protective foetal position while i sobbed myself to sleep. how i hated what i did, what had happened, what i had allowed myself to happen, how i allowed it to happen, how i allowed him to treat me the way he did, who i was.

how i felt the secrets and lies and deceit were too much for me to bear, and the burden of holding it was crushing me underneath it's weight. how i felt i could speak to no one, and the loneliness of that was choking me. how i feared for my own sanity, and the depression was so dark, holding me in it's visceral grip, i felt i could never set myself free.

i lost perspective. i lost confidence. i lost my sense of self. i lost sight. i lost sense. i lost hearing. i lost touch. with myself. with reality. self-preservation. self-worth. self-confidence. all slowly came crumbling down in a span of several ugly months.

yet i have no regrets. i'm a success. it's only a failure, only a regret if i never learnt from it. i did. i still do. it was hard-fought, hard-earned, and terribly pricey, but i came out a victor at the end. battered, bruised, left for dead, but i survived. i made it, and i'm stronger, and happier, and, hopefully, wiser.

so i do have to thank you for helping me heal... i suppose the moment i sculled that shot, and took your hand to get on that balcony, i made a conscious decision to start forgetting and start healing. quick. who better to make me feel like a sexpot again than one known for making women quiver within a 30-mile radius? after having had my face rubbed into horse manure, over and over again, it was high time to wipe the tears, wash myself, put on my best clothes and sexiest strut and have me some sexytime.

and it worked. better than i myself thought. it was a confidence-booster. it was sewing up old hurts and storing them away. it was knowing i still have it in me to make a man perk up and take notice. i needed that, and you gave it to me, with or without knowing you did it.

and although things almost got out of hand, i'm glad things didn't get further than they did, though. it shouldn't, and it didn't. so let's just keep what happened there where it is. i wouldn't change what happened on the merit of what i got out of it. i consider it a gift, and i thank you for it.

i know you liked it as much, but i sure hope it wasn't a regret. we've both moved on from there, after all.

like they say: all's well that end's well. que sera sera.

Cerebral Haemorrhage

been reading a book on alternate history for the past weekend, which spurred me on to read up on african issues online. haven't done this in awhile, actually.

resulting in (in short): several papers on gender issues, changing masculinities, migrant labour and unemployment, apartheid and political violence, western medical deviations and biotechnological warfare (with regards to apartheid and ethnic-cleasing). generational conflict, the clash between too-rapid urbanisation and traditional practices, in relation to homeland construction at the turn of the 21st century, and ALL of THESE affecting (and inducing) transactional sex among African women (specifically those from KwaZulu-Natal) (guess this is what someone told me would be called 'freelancers').

it's FASCINATING.

IMHO, africa and asia has a richness in cultural and historical diversity which westerners either do not have, or have forgotten. rise and fall of civilisations, i suppose. assimilation, or annihilation? you are all brilliant people. you decide.

and i'm reminded once more of 13-year-old me. wanting to volunteer as a social worker in far-off Africa. though the issue then (which still remains, though, i hope, to perhaps to a lesser degree than almost 1 and 1/2 decades ago) was female genital mutilation (i.e.: for those who don't know: the cutting off of a young girl's clitoris and sewing up her vagina leaving a teensy-weensy hole just large enough for menstrual blood to flow through. and this done using the same razor and needle for say, 50 girls. UNSTERILISED.) PREDOMINANTLY MASCULINE (but terribly uninformed, perhaps in part due to 'masculinity'?) CULTURE can be SO BLOODY CRUEL. pun intended. and men can be such assholes. makes me wonder how men would like their assholes sewn up. then maybe these macho macho men would know how it feels to have something big pushing against a tiny hole, and being unable to stretch. -.-

yeah, i'm graphic. :P been told that countless times.

and i'm a feminist. i don't make any pretensions to being otherwise. just ask friends who've known me more than a year. or read the above warning. injustice riles me. injustice against women and children makes me burst my capillaries.

opinionated feminist, i am. not the bra-burning type. what a waste of good money. i like sexy lingerie. i embrace my sexuality and the fact that i am a woman and can make a man go down on his knees if i wanna. if he be good good boy, i'd go down on mine. ;) but i can be macho too. hurhurhur. more macho than three-quarters the guys i know. pussies, all. and i'd stick a red-hot cilipadi paste-coated iron-rod the size of texas up his asshole if he's behaving like a bloody CUNT. comprende? (;) can anyone say Graphic, again?)

back to south-african papers. i digressed real far there :P

i am reminded AGAIN. somebody tell WHY am i doing what i'm doing again? i shoulda gone and studied anthropology, or anything in the social sciences. would probably have been better suited for that. oh! yeah.... i forgot. malaysian social norm of the late 90s then. generational conflict, urbanisation (in this case, the advent of globalisation), technological development (or rather the PROMISE of it), changing masculinities and gender issues, the POSSIBILITY of homeland construction (the taxpayer-friendly results of which, leaves much to be desired... oops! i meant to say, optimistically remains to be seen *smiles politically correctly and saccharine-sweetly*) at the turn of Malaysian 21st century.

silly me. how could i forget. :)

what happened? they say life got in the way. why fight it when you can join it. cynicism and bitterness comes with age. wisdom does not. neither does maturity.

i should start applying for government jobs now. oh wait!!! they only reply you THREE years later... EARLIEST. and then they send u off to far-off places....

my ovaries would be totally fried by then. oh!! wait... there's always transactional sex, right?