This camel's back finally broke

I wash my hands. And feet.

Last night broke this camel's back, I suppose.

So he was terribly busy yesterday. So I texted many times (because I didn't want to call, since he was SOOOOO busy). So I called to ask if we could talk, and if he was busy, we could speak at a later date/ time. Since we're no more, why impose myself on him/ his precious time, right?

See, there was a deadline. Because I can't/ wasn't going to wait forever. And I wasn't going to stay when he had self-esteem issues that sends him to dating websites- that makes him want to have his cake and eat it, too. He says they are distance issues. Whatever. Why stay since we'll be long distance anyway, and the issues stay the same?

But given the global economic climate and the bleak predictions for next year, I realise that the deadline can't work anymore. So I called... to discuss that.

What do I get? An angry, cranky, verbally abusive guy. So he has spillover from work aggression. Well, he could just say 'I've had a terrible day, let's do this tomorrow? Or after I've showered and cooled down?' No, what I got was rudeness: 'I'm so sorry but I've had a bad day, and I'd like to drink myself to sleep. Bye.' Having a bad day at work was no excuse for being rude/ verbally abusive.

Right. I remember now why, apart from the many things that he said he'd do which he didn't, the little things he could have done that would have made it easier for me as a girlfriend, the fact that he cheated on me (whether or not it was with me/ for me is beside the issue), the fact that I can't trust him and he's so not ready for a relationship with a woman who's out of college and is working, was the fact that when he has a bad day at work, he was difficult at best, downright verbally abusive at worst. So yes, it becomes a vicious cycle that escalates because I wouldn't like it, and I'd call him out on it.

And I was foolish enough to think that daily communication could build the intimacy that would help to avoid that. Unfortunately that wasn't so. The daily communication totally backfired because he'd rather go out and unwind with other people than talk to me after a bad day at work.

I've always thought that we should be our best around the people we love most, even though sometimes we tend to forget and get short-tempered because we expect them to understand us best. But like wearing my best and most beautiful underwear out to work/ out with friends/ out shopping, while wearing ugly granny panties at home.... shouldn't it be the other way round? Shouldn't we show the people we love most our best behaviour, because we should be making every moment count? Because we never know when the people we love most would be taken away from us in the blink of an eye. It would be too late to regret then.

Perhaps he has differing views about this. But I certainly can't sit around and wait to see if he changes his attitudes and his viewpoint. I waited for a man for 4 years once. I was foolish then. I'm certainly not doing that anymore.

I'm also not marrying a man who verbally abuses me. No way am I having my kid grow up watching his father call his mother names while his mother quietly and patiently takes it all in. I'm not that kind of woman. I will never be.

I also do not want to be with a man who is at his best with other people while he's at his worst with me.

I have no regrets.

I have never once called him names. Yes, I have told him he was acting like an asshole, but never once have I called him names. Even when I caught him cheating on me red-handed, I didn't say 'Fuck You', or 'Asshole' or 'Bastard' even when I could tell he was expecting it. All I asked was why. 

Because I respect him as a person and as my boyfriend. Apparently he did not show me, and still does not show me the same respect.

I may not be supermodel gorgeous, I may be possessive of my lover, but I am beautiful, as a person, and I did try to make him happy while I was with him. 

I deserve someone who thinks that I am beautiful, and who makes me feel beautiful, and who gives me the same honesty, loyalty and respect that I offer him. Who finds that spending time talking to me is more important than with other people, barring his family. Who thinks that I am important, and who SHOWS me that I am. 

Who doesn't keep expecting me to be loyal, to put up with his issues, and be more understanding of the difficulties that he was facing, and the hours that he kept, and the distance that was between us, and the fact that he has friends of other sexes he likes to spend time with, while he can't seem to do the same for me.

I deserve a man who appreciates me.... who welcomes me for who I am. Who thinks that what I bring to the table is enough. Who tries hard to please me, not because I ask him to, but because he wants to, and he knows it would make me happy. Unfortunately... RF, he doesn't. 

Despite what potential I still see in him, I can't stay and I can't wait. No man who loves a woman would make her wait. Would still keep his dating websites active. Would still act like an arse to her after she's already spoken up about it. Granted he can't transplant himself yet, but there were steps he could have already taken to rectify some of the issues that were brought up. To make her feel like she's worth it. Worth some sacrifices, at least.

But I guess to him, I'm just another hotel room while he waits to find the perfect house. Or perhaps he is just content to live out of hotel room after hotel room all the days of his life. After all, hotel rooms have their own housekeeping. It requires less investment in the long run. And the hotel room will always look more or less the same from one to another.

I guess you can say.... I've completely given up hope on this one. Totally.