14 months

If only people just said what they meant... and meant what they said... the world would be a much better place.

He says I don't get it.

Perhaps we don't understand each other.

Looking back at 14 months...

When we were going out, he spent more time with his pals than he did with me, even when I was there.

But now that we aren't, it's as though I matter even less now: 'Don't expect VIP service anymore'.

Strange... I never did feel like I was a veep in the first place.

This was one of my two trips up north where we actually did spend quality time together. Too bad that it was too little, too late. Too bad that the last time was November of last year.

Why is it that when we were supposedly going 'steady' that I feel like I'm being taken for granted?

We never really did have nice sit-down-hold-hands dinners together. Not since he came down to ask me to be his woman. Never since. Not on Christmas. Not on New Year's. Not on Valentine's. Not on either of our birthdays. Not on our 'anniversary'.

1 month into the relationship, we spent some quality time together. We were happy.

2 months into the relationship, I went up for New Year's Eve. I spent it with his friends. He was working. He came around just to wish me Happy New Year's and kiss me good night. When he came home in the morning and fell asleep, he called out the ex's name in sleep. On New Year's Day.

4 months into the relationship, and we've hardly seen each other. He was supposed to make a trip down after CNY for Valentine's too. Work got in the way.

5 months into the relationship, I found sexchat vids in his computer.... months later, I turn on an old phone to find sexy texts corresponding to the date of the vids... around the time I went home for CNY. Yes, by then, the trust had been slowly eroded over a series of very unfortunate events. I almost walked out on him 5 months into the relationship.

6 months into the relationship, we attempted to work out the relationship and took a trip together. It was the first time he actually held me and cuddled me in his sleep. I cried that night. It was the first time I truly felt like a girlfriend.

7 months into the relationship. He bought me a cake for my birthday. Unfortunately I was stupid and the poor cake melted. I appreciated the gesture. It was sweet. No dinner though... he had to work. We did manage to catch Ironman together. 7 months into the relationship, we finally watched a movie together.

9 months into the relationship, he came down for his friend's wedding. I had a horrible nightmare that night. It was the first time I noticed he was symptomatic, too.

Almost 10 months into the relationship, I went up north again. We managed to catch The Dark Knight together. After waiting for so long.

10 months into the relationship... he slipped into mild depression. He felt like he was going nowhere. He didn't want to talk to me either.

11 months into the relationship, he put up as profile picture, a photo he took while having a costume party for his yearly birthday bash. The picture had him and another girl wearing matching coloured outfits (it just happened to be so) sharing a seat. Very nice picture. Very cute too. The girl wasn't me. And I've never met her. Yes, she was a close friend. I wouldn't care if it was just another photo. 

But it was an uncaptioned profile picture for a good 3 weeks or so despite my protestations. After a very long, very angry fight where he threatened to dump my jealous ass, the picture came down.

Almost 12 months into the relationship, I spent the festive season with him. His parents sat me down and queried me about many things, basically whether I was serious about their son. Whether I was willing to make the necessary sacrifices. He watched. When we were alone, he asked if I was going to leave him.

12 months into the relationship... we're fighting more than we're laughing. Angry more than we're happy. I called for a break. He changed his status to 'single'. He thought I wanted a break up. 

13 months into the relationship, he came down for a patch up. For the first time, we actually spent a day walking around aimlessly, shopping.

2 weeks later, he was out 'unwinding'. I wanted to talk to him. He was with friends. He never talks much to me when he's out with friends. Too noisy, he says. I call again an hour later. He was still out. And again half an hour later. Still out. He snapped at me: I'd call you when I'm home. Then out comes the accusations: You don't trust me, might as well we be over.

A few days later, my alterego gets messaged by my boyfriend of almost 14 months on a dating webbie.

I walked out in the rain.

It was cold outside... colder still within me.

14 months. I go up north one last time for some explanation. I wanted to know why. What did I ever do that he'd hurt me this way? By his own admission, he's flirtatious by nature.

I never did feel like a veep. How could I? Given the circumstances?

14 months. 

Granted it's long distance. Granted he works when I sleep, and sleeps when I wake. Granted I'll never really know where he is exactly at any given time.

But does he have to be such a man always that he can't be seen showing his woman a little bit of affection? Does he have to prove he's such a man, having a permanent woman is not enough, he's got to see if he 'still got it'?

Yes, in his own way, he loves me. But he's got really strange ways of showing that.

I don't know about his exes... I don't know about him... but I can't pretend to still be with a man when I'm looking around to see if I 'still got it'. I just can't.

For me, it's best to make my case and leave, with as little emotional baggage as possible. It's pointless dragging around a dead weight of a relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

After all, he says all these wouldn't happen if we were nearer each other. But there's nothing we can do about the distance right now. Both of us had always known that it was going to be long distance.

14 months.

I've been jealous. The distance and the timing. Which girlfriend has never been, please stand up now, so I know I've been stupid.

I've been paranoid. The distance and the timing and the events that had ensued due to that.

I've even been psychotic. The distance, the timing, the events that slowly unfolded over 14 months.

I've been a royal bitch. Definitely. I no longer want to be a pushover after all. I say what's on my mind. I don't like what I've been getting, and I'm saying so. Because boyfriends who marry their girlfriends don't treat said girlfriends like this :( Not the ones I know anyway.

He asks if I actually believe that I'm just another one of his girlfriends that mean nothing. I would like to think I made a difference. That I AM different. But I'm not going to blind myself to what's happening around me. Nothing has changed as yet. 

We're still long distance after all. Our relationship also ended due to the distance and the timing and the constraints and issues that spring out of these differences. Unless something changes, I am going to end up just another statistic after all.

I can't live on sweet promises alone, after all :( 

14 months of sweet promises, and occasional tastes of passion.

Much as I'd like to nurture that long lost hopeless romantic buried somewhere deep within me, I'd like something tangible to hold on to.

The romance can always come out of a strong loving relationship based on respect, trust and communication. There will always be room for romance in a relationship like that.

14 months. I look at the 2 mementos he left me, and I am deeply saddened.

I haven't managed to take down much food since Sunday.

And today, for the first time in 2 1/2 days, I pooped... instead of purged... and it was green. 

But I suppose my sorrow cannot be greater than a friend's. To have lost twins over the weekend. I'm so sorry, honey. I'd give you a big comforting hug if I could.