Faith

I fasted yesterday... because I felt so lost and so forlorn... and terribly unhappy.

I wanted to know if I was still being seen.

Just the afternoon I had spoken to his mother. And she wanted to know why. She kept asking if it was this, or that... and just hearing that made my throat constrict. She's one of the quirkiest, nicest woman I know.

So I went to midnight mass trying to put on a brave face, and I stepped into a depression in the ground and twisted my ankle. Again. The left one this time around.

And I sat in church feeling sorry for myself. I still am feeling a little sorry for myself. It's christmas. It's the end of a long difficult year. I should be up in Penang having cake with my brother. Explaining the demise of my relationship with his mother... even though that one's not-so-great, but I guess she wants to know... emotional investments are always hard to deal with...

I came home, curled up in bed and cried. I wanted to know why things like this happen. Tired as I was, I reached for my books. Something. Anything. And the book a friend gave me this christmas fell in my hands... and so I read.

And somehow things became clearer. Let everything go. Place my faith in a higher power. For He sees all things, and knows all things. He knows I'm crying now. He knows how I feel I'm a failure at relationships. He knows how I've abstained from my favourite things because I believe I needed to be purer to hear/ to feel.

Christmas speaks to humanity in a way that we can understand. It speaks of faith in the future. If speaks of hope for us all. It speaks of love, that we are loved and we are loveable. It speaks of what every person needs. Faith, Hope and Love, and the greatest of this is Love. With this, Christmas offers us strength. To place our faith and hope in His love for us.

Everything is possible in Him. And he would do what is right by me, in His own time. I can plan all I can, but ultimately, He decides whether or not something happens. He has the power over life and death itself. My time is not His time. Just as my love is nothing compared to His. It shall be as He wills it.

So I'm still running the race, and I'm keeping the faith. People say time heals all wounds, but that's not true. The ex, he should know that very well. It's God who heals. God who touches you, and teaches you to forgive, to let go, to feel compassion, to learn from past mistakes, to love again. With His grace, he'd heal my wounds. With His grace, and if you let Him, he'd heal yours, too. Because His strength will be made perfect in our weaknesses.

He has his plans for me. So be it. I am the handmaiden of the Lord.