Faith

I fasted yesterday... because I felt so lost and so forlorn... and terribly unhappy.

I wanted to know if I was still being seen.

Just the afternoon I had spoken to his mother. And she wanted to know why. She kept asking if it was this, or that... and just hearing that made my throat constrict. She's one of the quirkiest, nicest woman I know.

So I went to midnight mass trying to put on a brave face, and I stepped into a depression in the ground and twisted my ankle. Again. The left one this time around.

And I sat in church feeling sorry for myself. I still am feeling a little sorry for myself. It's christmas. It's the end of a long difficult year. I should be up in Penang having cake with my brother. Explaining the demise of my relationship with his mother... even though that one's not-so-great, but I guess she wants to know... emotional investments are always hard to deal with...

I came home, curled up in bed and cried. I wanted to know why things like this happen. Tired as I was, I reached for my books. Something. Anything. And the book a friend gave me this christmas fell in my hands... and so I read.

And somehow things became clearer. Let everything go. Place my faith in a higher power. For He sees all things, and knows all things. He knows I'm crying now. He knows how I feel I'm a failure at relationships. He knows how I've abstained from my favourite things because I believe I needed to be purer to hear/ to feel.

Christmas speaks to humanity in a way that we can understand. It speaks of faith in the future. If speaks of hope for us all. It speaks of love, that we are loved and we are loveable. It speaks of what every person needs. Faith, Hope and Love, and the greatest of this is Love. With this, Christmas offers us strength. To place our faith and hope in His love for us.

Everything is possible in Him. And he would do what is right by me, in His own time. I can plan all I can, but ultimately, He decides whether or not something happens. He has the power over life and death itself. My time is not His time. Just as my love is nothing compared to His. It shall be as He wills it.

So I'm still running the race, and I'm keeping the faith. People say time heals all wounds, but that's not true. The ex, he should know that very well. It's God who heals. God who touches you, and teaches you to forgive, to let go, to feel compassion, to learn from past mistakes, to love again. With His grace, he'd heal my wounds. With His grace, and if you let Him, he'd heal yours, too. Because His strength will be made perfect in our weaknesses.

He has his plans for me. So be it. I am the handmaiden of the Lord.

christmas around the corner!

i've been so darn busy at work, i almost forgot christmas is less than a month away until going on joey's multiply reminded me...

so i tuned in to christmas radio.. and i started dancing to Jingle Bell Rock :P

christmas had always been a favourite season.. all that altruistic love and happy jolly feeling. easter is a time for somber spiritual development, christmas... christmas is a time for the young and young at heart to be all lovey-dovey :P a time for giving and good will all around.

and the parties!! year-end parties are the best!

i miss christmas at home. in a place that's majority christian, with the hugest catholic cathedral in the nation, u can feel the excitement strumming through the air by late october. that buzz... the preparation for christmas choir and christmas carolling...christmas deco everywhere... christmas songs blasting everywhere, every shopping area would be playing christmas jingles.

dammit... i miss christmas at home. i had planned to go back this year, but my parents would be around instead. which is great, i miss them, but there's nothing like going back to the cathedral where you spent every sunday as a girl staring at the sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows casting shadows of a myriad colours over the pews. and you're wondering how they got the glass such a brilliant blue, or red, or green. and you're thinking... it's so pretty. and when you're bored, you run outside to climb the walls of the church with the other children. while your parents prayed inside, you played outside :P but always, you go back inside to look for mommy.

then as you grew older, you became an out-standing catholic... cos the cathedral was too darn hot for you at times... but the bigger reason was that it was so much fun half-listening to the sermons while staring at fashion parade outside... the peacocks were so pretty, dressed in the latest converse bags and shoes. the bold and the beautiful were always outside at sunset mass, whether or not they were catholics :)

then you left school, and every time you could go home and go to church was precious, so this time you sat inside, and prayed like your parents did, and you'd meet friends outside after mass. guess you grew up, somewhat.

all those years, church on sundays, first friday masses in school, school feastday masses, days of obligation, and you fidgeted at the thought of staying the entire duration of the mass in church, especially 2 to 2 1/2 hour long high masses. yet now you would rather spend easter triduum and christmas season at home. odd how things turn out.

who wants to watch christmassy movies with me?

I’ll be home for Christmas,
You can count on me,
Please have snow, and mistletoe,
And presents ‘neath the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the lovelight gleams,
I’ll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams…
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the lovelight gleams,
I’ll be home, I’ll be home,
If only in my dreams…

and my customary Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Christmas future is far away,
Christmas past is past,
Christmas presents are here to stay,
Bringing joy that may last
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light,
In a year, our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yuletide gay,
In a year, our troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore,
Precious friends who are dear to us,
Gather near to us once more
In a year, we all will be together,
If our fates allow,
Until then, we’ll just have to muddle through somehow,
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Christmas hugs and kisses all around! :P

oh wait... that's in 3 weeks time :)

listening to: Jim Brickman's Greensleeves on Merry Christmas Radio