Monday, July 09, 2007

It takes a Lifetime...

It takes a lifetime to learn how to live,
How to share and how to give.

How to face tragedy that comes your way,
How to find courage to face each new day.

How to smile when your heart is sore,
How to go on when you can take no more.

How to laugh when you want to cry,
How to be brave when you say goodbye.

How to still love when your loss is so great,
How to forgive when your urge is to hate.

-Ruth Mover Gilmore-

Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Prayer of St. Francis

I refuse to take something that isn't mine.

I refuse to achieve my successes through personal degradation.

What I'm going to maintain, I will maintain through the abandonment of a dishonorable gain.

I will avoid slander and infamy.

I will pay my price, and i will learn from this.

Victory would be sweeter this way.

I will have faith in myself.

I will be strong.

I will have faith and respect in the truth.

I've never pretended before, I wouldn't pretend now.

I have consoled, I have understood, I have offered freedom, I have shared, I have grown,
And I would continue to do so.

I will have faith. I will have faith in God, I will have faith in me.

Make me an instrument of your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, union;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek,
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love with all my soul.

For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

The Frightening Things Women Do To Themselves

Was talking to a friend over dinner last night.

And she mentioned something that got me to thinking.

She says that when she's unhappy or depressed, or is having a particularly low self-esteem day, she'd not eat. Just to punish herself.

"You're not good enough. You don't deserve to eat..."

Ouch! I know....

That's very bad...

But when I look at my own patterns of behaviour, I realise that I do that to myself, too. Deliberately punishing myself when I feel lousy. Deliberately hurting myself.

Getting up and putting on my ugliest outfit.

"You're not good enough. You don't deserve to look pretty."

Going out with the wrong types of men.

"You're not good enough. You don't deserve a kind, caring, loving man who loves you for you."

Considering the fact that I HAVE to eat, and that I have a frightening appetite, I can't NOT eat, on normal days.

But I notice too, a while back, when I couldn't eat.

That's when I'm at an all-time low.

I won't even get out of bed on weekends unless I absolutely MUST. I refuse to shower. I refuse to eat.

That's when I'm saying to myself:

"You're not good enough for anything. Go DIE."

I make myself sick from pure will. I reckon I could will myself to death, too.


"You're ugly. You're rubbish. You're pure crap. You're nothing. You don't deserve food. You don't deserve clothes. You don't deserve anything. Just DIE."

I have had very black moments in my life. Those moments are frighteningly dark. Those are moments I wish I could forget. Those are moments I never want to recall.

But we never could forget what happens to us. Having a trigger-memory, I definitely cannot forget. Little things remind me of what I've gone through, what I'm still going through.

But it's frightening what women do to themselves out of self-hatred. It's like self-annihilation.

It's frightening how the mind works.

How it could take you to the very depths of crushing despair and loss, and yet how it could pull you right out of that vortex of swirling, churling darkness.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Movie Reviews

Recent reviews were on Ocean's 13, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, and Transformers.

Check them out on my multiply.

Links at the bottom-left side :)

My Beliefs

recent London bombscares.
the trial concerning the murder of Altantuya Sharibuu.

death everywhere.

and yet I believe that with death comes new life.

things must die, so that other things may live.

i've always wanted the tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes on my right shoulder blade for precisely this reason.

in chinese mythology, the phoenix is a symbol of strength, and feminine mysticism.

and in other cultures, the phoenix must die and turn to ashes, for it to be reborn.

death, and rebirth. one must die, for another to take it's place.

that is the way of the universe.

but because of such random violence and senseless death, i'm also a person who believes in seizing one's own destiny.

i believe in creating my own future, because it's the only thing i CAN change.

i can't change my past, it's who i am.

but changing my present, would mean changing my future, and determining who i BECOME.

when it comes to LIFE ITSELF, we all have a choice.

it is when it comes to DEATH, that it is up to fate.

we can't control when we die, and how we die.

all we know is that we'll die alone.

death is so unpredictable.

but life is so beautiful.

why live in misery, when we can learn from it, and be happy?

Taking Leave

might take a hiatus from blogging for awhile.

decided to take a month's unpaid leave.
that would mean i won't be having internet connection, either.

planning to go home, but we'll see about that.