Cannonball

as i'm considering new career options.... and a friend asks me what is it i look for, i realise, i'm a builder.

i want things i can build with. in my mind, with my hands. i grow as i grow other things too.

destroy and build. build on artifacts. use artifacts for building.

i'm a builder. somedays i really think that sucks.

i was walking around waiting for a friend on Saturday... and a song i haven't heard for at least a year came on. my favourite among damien rice's, btw.

funny. mr rice always had the capability to make me look at myself and cry.

and the phone rings. and it just seems so apt. sometimes irony is so thick u wonder if u're living a play.


there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
still I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage, teach me to be shy
'cos its not hard to fall,

and I don't want to scare her
its not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
its not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know
don't know....

~damien rice's cannonball~

The Frightening Things Women Do To Themselves

Was talking to a friend over dinner last night.

And she mentioned something that got me to thinking.

She says that when she's unhappy or depressed, or is having a particularly low self-esteem day, she'd not eat. Just to punish herself.

i.e.:
"You're not good enough. You don't deserve to eat..."

Ouch! I know....

That's very bad...

But when I look at my own patterns of behaviour, I realise that I do that to myself, too. Deliberately punishing myself when I feel lousy. Deliberately hurting myself.

Getting up and putting on my ugliest outfit.

"You're not good enough. You don't deserve to look pretty."

Going out with the wrong types of men.

"You're not good enough. You don't deserve a kind, caring, loving man who loves you for you."

Considering the fact that I HAVE to eat, and that I have a frightening appetite, I can't NOT eat, on normal days.

But I notice too, a while back, when I couldn't eat.

That's when I'm at an all-time low.

I won't even get out of bed on weekends unless I absolutely MUST. I refuse to shower. I refuse to eat.

That's when I'm saying to myself:

"You're not good enough for anything. Go DIE."

I make myself sick from pure will. I reckon I could will myself to death, too.

"DIE DIE DIE."

"You're ugly. You're rubbish. You're pure crap. You're nothing. You don't deserve food. You don't deserve clothes. You don't deserve anything. Just DIE."

I have had very black moments in my life. Those moments are frighteningly dark. Those are moments I wish I could forget. Those are moments I never want to recall.

But we never could forget what happens to us. Having a trigger-memory, I definitely cannot forget. Little things remind me of what I've gone through, what I'm still going through.

But it's frightening what women do to themselves out of self-hatred. It's like self-annihilation.

It's frightening how the mind works.

How it could take you to the very depths of crushing despair and loss, and yet how it could pull you right out of that vortex of swirling, churling darkness.

My 200th Blog!! and Orgasm-Enablers...

short blog.

my 200th blog on blogspot, waddya know :)

today at lunch, my boss made an interesting remark.

he mentioned it in relation to objective reality. something about how we control our destinies, etc. lazy to talk about that la. go google it up :) very abstract kinda stuff. it's a thinking that basically renders all major religions in the world irrelevant. :) also something to do with the Black Swan, whereby by the time we reach 15, and/or have had our first sexual experience, we normally would not experience any new experiences.

all our experiences would be repetitive of old ones, that fall into a certain pattern within the filters of our minds.

it's not something new. i've read this before when i was studying psychology textbooks in uni. i happen to find psychology a fascinating subject.

then he says something that possibly stunned my other very conservative, chinese-ed colleagues:

.... therefore, an intelligent man would choose to stay monogamous, since it saves him the hassle of meeting and getting to know new sexual partners. because he knows that new lovers are actually repetitive of old ones. every sexual experience is similar. what's different is how he perceives it in his own mind. the woman is merely an orgasm-enabler.

LoL..... in my mind, i was thinking: hell, yeah.... a hole is a hole is a hole. whether it be yellow, brown, black, white, etc., of a hand, a jacuzzi, or a glory-hole. front-end, rear-end, makes no difference.

but still, to hear this from a MAN. HAHAHAHAHA.... i burst out laughing for a second. i couldn't help it. but of course, i quickly stopped myself. lest my boss finds my laughter too unbecoming :)

*wicked grin*...... i wonder what my guy friends would say about that. orgasm-enabler, indeed....