Monday, June 29, 2009


It's been a crazy year...

I've done so many things I never expected I'd be able to do.

In my personal life.

At work.

Day-to-day living.

The things I've done.

It amazes me.

The things I've yet to do.

It excites me.

I guess this is what it means, to be letting go, and to just live.

Live and let live, they say.

And it's exhilarating.

Granted I can't do it all, or take it all in at all times.

But I figure... what's important is that I'm trying.

And ultimately, the journey is as important as the destination. If not more.

Signing off now: Good night.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009



I'm still angry. And upset. I guess some things are just irreparable.

Like every kind of relationship, it's a two-way road.

I guess all I can say is that I'm just disappointed by the immaturity he showed.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Pleasantly surprised?

He told me today he quit his job...

I must say I'm quite shocked...

I know he's been saying he wants to quit for awhile already, but the thing is... I wasn't sure if he'd do it.

I wasn't sure if he was just saying it, or if he really meant it.

So when he told me today he handed in his notice, I was quite shocked.

I'm quite glad though... that he finally brought himself to do it.

But at the same time, I'm very worried... because now that that's done... the next step would be: What now?

Friday, June 19, 2009

Tell me what to do... cos I'm not sure if I've already burnt out.

Because I'm just so tired.

I almost broke out in tears today at work.... I felt so overwhelmed.

And then finding out he was gonna break yet another promise. It was just too much for me to bear.

I know he's not going through the best of times, and neither am I.

But at least, I still wanna do what I can do to keep things exclusive, to keep things going.

Perhaps he feels differently, I don't know.

I don't know if this still makes me happy, honestly.

I feel more ambivalent than anything else nowadays.

I still love him, very much so.

Yet.... I'm not sure if things will go as far as I thought they would go 2 years ago.

I know I'm clinging to my career... cos it seems like that's the only seemingly sure thing I've got right now.

Cos although I'd like to count on him... I'm not sure if I could, or if I should. He has his own troubles, too. And I'm not even sure if he knows what he wants yet.

I'm afraid for myself, really. Lately, all I've been feeling very much of is weariness, disappointment and sadness.

I'm burning out fast, if I'm not yet already there. And I don't know what to do anymore... for so many things in my life.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Of dreams and dying. Of dying and waiting. Being fucked over.

i dreamt i died. in a car crash.

and as usual, i wanted to see him, but, as usual, he couldn't make it.

i dreamt i lay dying in the hospital.

i dreamt how i asked for him.

i dreamt i died, waiting for him to appear.

wanting to see him before the crash, wanting to see him while i lay dying, wanting to see him as i drew my last breath.

my timing... it was never good for him. we always were on different time zones.

fuck me, isn't it?

as always, i lay dying. as always, being fucked over.

and the last words he said to me before i died was 'fuck you'. as usual.

i'm so so tired.

can i just disappear for a long long time?

Friday, June 05, 2009


woke up today feeling horrible.

been having a series of very disturbing dreams.

went out with a friend for lunch today.

so many of my friends are seriously settling down: buying a house together, planning marriage and children.

the subject of further education came up: am i able to juggle a job and study part-time? perhaps it'd be good. to get my mind off other things.

many have been telling me lately: just move along with your life and do the things u've been meaning to do. leave the country. someone somewhere needs you. something someone someplace would appreciate you, and your talents, and your contributions. good, sound advice, that. yet i keep stalling. perhaps i'm afraid of leaving my comfort zone, too.

as one gets older, and circumtances change, so do one's priorities in life.

and if one waits too long, the opportunity that came along would go, and that door closes on u forever. unless u're lucky. which... i don't think i have much of lately.

i was asked why i looked so lousy. and so out it came. some parts. how business and pleasure just doesn't seem to be giving me a break, lately.

how the pressure's been mounting and i'm cracking from the inside out.

i was asked if i can trust again. and i have no answer.

is it my vibes? that each time a fish gets hauled up, the fishes are always bruised, and the net always ends up almost always irrevocably damaged?

and so the net gets more and more damaged with each new haul.

like me. the trust gets chipped off more and more with each one that passes through.

can i trust again? i don't know. it'd certainly take a lot of effort on both parties. and a lot of patience. and a lot of outward expressions of real, undiluted affection, sharing and caring. 

and not breaking each other's trust for a long, long time. and saying what we mean, as well as meaning what we say. always keeping our word to each other. and yes, a lot of sacrifices on his part as well.

he's been at a place of comfort for so long. i don't know if he can do all that. and i certainly do not wish to strong-arm him into doing what he doesn't want to do. 

and i can understand why he doesn't want to get out of the life he's built around himself. it's frightening to go out there, put urself out there and try again. it can also be discouraging and painful. it takes a lot of courage, a lot of effort, and a lot of tears. i really can't blame him, even if at one point i did.

i suppose that's why i've stopped asking.

i just do what i have to do for myself now. to learn to be just that little bit stronger.

a few nights ago, a friend of his asked me if i could take it, his condition. i can sense the innuendo: if i could live with the knowledge that if we really did get together, i may end up widowed early. we may never have our own children. all the many complications that are certain to turn up.

i have thought of all that. i suppose the only thing i'm asking for is that he seeks real help and do what he has to do to ensure his condition improves: overhaul his entire life. 

at least then, we may have some hope.

yet that's what he may not be willing to do. that may be asking a little too much. i mentioned it once, but he was quiet. so i don't ask anymore.

i did bring up my concerns. i did say i can't imagine being with someone who can't be around very much. and he said he understood.

so many questions... so little answers. things have changed... yet they're all still the same.

i guess i'm different now. i know now that i can't save the world. i can try saving it one soul at a time, but i can't force myself on someone. i can't make the decision for him/ her. 

that realisation frightened me. it means not being in control. it means letting go. it means, to a certain extent, caring a little less. because caring too much for someone also means that someone can hurt u deeply.

such is life.

i'm burnt. and burnt out. and i think, for awhile, at least, i just want to climb up on my rock and be alone.