Burnt

woke up today feeling horrible.

been having a series of very disturbing dreams.

went out with a friend for lunch today.

so many of my friends are seriously settling down: buying a house together, planning marriage and children.

the subject of further education came up: am i able to juggle a job and study part-time? perhaps it'd be good. to get my mind off other things.

many have been telling me lately: just move along with your life and do the things u've been meaning to do. leave the country. someone somewhere needs you. something someone someplace would appreciate you, and your talents, and your contributions. good, sound advice, that. yet i keep stalling. perhaps i'm afraid of leaving my comfort zone, too.

as one gets older, and circumtances change, so do one's priorities in life.

and if one waits too long, the opportunity that came along would go, and that door closes on u forever. unless u're lucky. which... i don't think i have much of lately.

i was asked why i looked so lousy. and so out it came. some parts. how business and pleasure just doesn't seem to be giving me a break, lately.

how the pressure's been mounting and i'm cracking from the inside out.

i was asked if i can trust again. and i have no answer.

is it my vibes? that each time a fish gets hauled up, the fishes are always bruised, and the net always ends up almost always irrevocably damaged?

and so the net gets more and more damaged with each new haul.

like me. the trust gets chipped off more and more with each one that passes through.

can i trust again? i don't know. it'd certainly take a lot of effort on both parties. and a lot of patience. and a lot of outward expressions of real, undiluted affection, sharing and caring. 

and not breaking each other's trust for a long, long time. and saying what we mean, as well as meaning what we say. always keeping our word to each other. and yes, a lot of sacrifices on his part as well.

he's been at a place of comfort for so long. i don't know if he can do all that. and i certainly do not wish to strong-arm him into doing what he doesn't want to do. 

and i can understand why he doesn't want to get out of the life he's built around himself. it's frightening to go out there, put urself out there and try again. it can also be discouraging and painful. it takes a lot of courage, a lot of effort, and a lot of tears. i really can't blame him, even if at one point i did.

i suppose that's why i've stopped asking.

i just do what i have to do for myself now. to learn to be just that little bit stronger.

a few nights ago, a friend of his asked me if i could take it, his condition. i can sense the innuendo: if i could live with the knowledge that if we really did get together, i may end up widowed early. we may never have our own children. all the many complications that are certain to turn up.

i have thought of all that. i suppose the only thing i'm asking for is that he seeks real help and do what he has to do to ensure his condition improves: overhaul his entire life. 

at least then, we may have some hope.

yet that's what he may not be willing to do. that may be asking a little too much. i mentioned it once, but he was quiet. so i don't ask anymore.

i did bring up my concerns. i did say i can't imagine being with someone who can't be around very much. and he said he understood.

so many questions... so little answers. things have changed... yet they're all still the same.

i guess i'm different now. i know now that i can't save the world. i can try saving it one soul at a time, but i can't force myself on someone. i can't make the decision for him/ her. 

that realisation frightened me. it means not being in control. it means letting go. it means, to a certain extent, caring a little less. because caring too much for someone also means that someone can hurt u deeply.

such is life.

i'm burnt. and burnt out. and i think, for awhile, at least, i just want to climb up on my rock and be alone.