this is from 101 things every man should know how to do
... and it's fucking funny.
don't ask me why, but i'm one of those chicks who reads guys mags and books written for men and am very entertained by them. although, i also read trashy romance novels that has lines like: as he parted her lips with gentle precision, tenderly licking their tender, moist parting back and forth with firm, gentle strokes, determined to get into her inner sanctum, she moaned and whimpered softly, melting and yielding to his expert caresses.
yep, i just made that one up :P maybe next time i'll write a 12 page long one on just french kissing alone. just for fucks :P
anyway, here goes. laugh out loud. this IS funny, k? i wish i coulda printed this list and put it on the table of someone i formerly worked for who was insufferable, though. he could do with a lesson (or a dozen) on how to impress women. 'nuff said. :D
15 Ways to Your Woman's Heart....and Bed
Author: teresa1699
Word count: 832
Note: These are not in any particular order of importance.
1. Power tools are your friends. So is your woman's vibrator. Do not be intimidated if she knows more about both than you do.
2. Speak more than one language. Note to all men: Sports lingo does not qualify as a second language.
3. Laundry: Do not underestimate the sexiness of a man who can speak eloquently about Tide vs. All. Show me a man who can sort, wash , fold and put away in the correct locations and I will show you a man who gets laid , a lot.
4. Trim that hair (and we are not talking about facial hair). Back hair is a no-no. If we want to see Darwin's missing link in action, we will visit the Museum of Natural History. Trimming your nether regions is highly recommended. We don't like hair in our teeth either.
5. Autos: There is something undeniably sexy about a man who knows his way around an engine. Maybe it's the attention to detail , maybe it's a great ass bent over a hood of a car, whatever the appeal, a man that knows cars seems like he wouldn't mind spending a little extra time under your, um..... hood.
6. We do not want to be your mother. Especially if we have children with you. We want an equal partnership. We understand that it varies day to day on who does more. As long as the balance shifts in an appreciable way, we are happy. We hate to nag, really. Yes, we like to take care of you, we also like to have sex with you. (If this reminds you of your mother, I can recommend a great book. It's got this guy named Oedipus in it.)
7. Know how to give a massage: A massage should not just be foreplay. A massage is one of the most singly unselfish acts that a person can do for another. Granted, massage can lead to great sex because knowing that your partner is doing something solely for your benefit can be a turn-on and we just might feel like reciprocating.
8. Kids: How to narrow this down. First and foremost, you do not babysit your children. I have heard countless dads say that they are babysitting their kids. Have you ever heard a woman spew this nonsense? Second, diaper changing is not the sole domain of mothers. There is not a female gene that makes cleaning up poop any more palatable to us than to a male. Thirdly, with older children, cereal and chicken fingers are not a food group. Know how to feed your kids healthy stuff.
9. Guns: Owning one is a personal choice, but there is a reason Bruce Willis is still popular. A man that knows how to handle a gun seems in control and that he could keep you safe if need be. And deep down, women like men who kick the bad guy's ass.
10. Bugs: Killing bugs is a man's job. Period. We might even let you skip doing the dishes tonight if you will just kill whatever is scurrying across the floor, because while we might be able to handle the frogs, killing a cockroach and picking up its squirming body is just too much.
11. Gifts: Pick your own. Your secretary is not sleeping with your wife, has not watched her push something the size of a cantalope out of something the size of a kumquat when your firstborn came into the world, so why is she deciding what to get your wife? In theory, you should know us better than anyone else. We will be happy with almost anything you pick out for us, but stay away from appliances. Unless we have specifically asked for a vacuum, don't bring home a Dyson, because that vacuum will the the only sucking action going on in your house for weeks to come.
12. Directions: Why is it such a hardship for men to ask for directions? Are you scared of looking stupid in front of us? I guarantee that driving around lost for hours and refusing to ask for help is what makes you look an imbecile.
13. Tits: Know how to tell fake ones from real ones. What is the appeal of silicone boobs anyway? Imagine if men had silicone penises. Wouldn't the guy with the real 10 inch penis feel a little irritated that the fake penis was getting all the attention? We kind of feel the same way when it comes to boobs.
14. Cooking/Food/Wine: Food is a very sensual thing in a lot of ways. It involves all your senses, from the presentation to the scent to the texture of the meal. A man who can cook or appreciates good wine and a good meal is someone who likes to engage all their senses and that is a very good thing in bed.
15. Know your limitations: Every man has a talent. It could be dancing, it could be taxidermy, it could be cooking. If you aren't good at something, don't pretend to be. If you can't dance or sing , a career on Broadway is probably out. Be confident in your abilities but not arrogant in your limitations. Besides I can't remember ever seeing a tap-dancing taxidermist on Hell's Kitchen , can you?
don't ask me why, but i'm one of those chicks who reads guys mags and books written for men and am very entertained by them. although, i also read trashy romance novels that has lines like: as he parted her lips with gentle precision, tenderly licking their tender, moist parting back and forth with firm, gentle strokes, determined to get into her inner sanctum, she moaned and whimpered softly, melting and yielding to his expert caresses.
yep, i just made that one up :P maybe next time i'll write a 12 page long one on just french kissing alone. just for fucks :P
anyway, here goes. laugh out loud. this IS funny, k? i wish i coulda printed this list and put it on the table of someone i formerly worked for who was insufferable, though. he could do with a lesson (or a dozen) on how to impress women. 'nuff said. :D
15 Ways to Your Woman's Heart....and Bed
Author: teresa1699
Word count: 832
Note: These are not in any particular order of importance.
1. Power tools are your friends. So is your woman's vibrator. Do not be intimidated if she knows more about both than you do.
2. Speak more than one language. Note to all men: Sports lingo does not qualify as a second language.
3. Laundry: Do not underestimate the sexiness of a man who can speak eloquently about Tide vs. All. Show me a man who can sort, wash , fold and put away in the correct locations and I will show you a man who gets laid , a lot.
4. Trim that hair (and we are not talking about facial hair). Back hair is a no-no. If we want to see Darwin's missing link in action, we will visit the Museum of Natural History. Trimming your nether regions is highly recommended. We don't like hair in our teeth either.
5. Autos: There is something undeniably sexy about a man who knows his way around an engine. Maybe it's the attention to detail , maybe it's a great ass bent over a hood of a car, whatever the appeal, a man that knows cars seems like he wouldn't mind spending a little extra time under your, um..... hood.
6. We do not want to be your mother. Especially if we have children with you. We want an equal partnership. We understand that it varies day to day on who does more. As long as the balance shifts in an appreciable way, we are happy. We hate to nag, really. Yes, we like to take care of you, we also like to have sex with you. (If this reminds you of your mother, I can recommend a great book. It's got this guy named Oedipus in it.)
7. Know how to give a massage: A massage should not just be foreplay. A massage is one of the most singly unselfish acts that a person can do for another. Granted, massage can lead to great sex because knowing that your partner is doing something solely for your benefit can be a turn-on and we just might feel like reciprocating.
8. Kids: How to narrow this down. First and foremost, you do not babysit your children. I have heard countless dads say that they are babysitting their kids. Have you ever heard a woman spew this nonsense? Second, diaper changing is not the sole domain of mothers. There is not a female gene that makes cleaning up poop any more palatable to us than to a male. Thirdly, with older children, cereal and chicken fingers are not a food group. Know how to feed your kids healthy stuff.
9. Guns: Owning one is a personal choice, but there is a reason Bruce Willis is still popular. A man that knows how to handle a gun seems in control and that he could keep you safe if need be. And deep down, women like men who kick the bad guy's ass.
10. Bugs: Killing bugs is a man's job. Period. We might even let you skip doing the dishes tonight if you will just kill whatever is scurrying across the floor, because while we might be able to handle the frogs, killing a cockroach and picking up its squirming body is just too much.
11. Gifts: Pick your own. Your secretary is not sleeping with your wife, has not watched her push something the size of a cantalope out of something the size of a kumquat when your firstborn came into the world, so why is she deciding what to get your wife? In theory, you should know us better than anyone else. We will be happy with almost anything you pick out for us, but stay away from appliances. Unless we have specifically asked for a vacuum, don't bring home a Dyson, because that vacuum will the the only sucking action going on in your house for weeks to come.
12. Directions: Why is it such a hardship for men to ask for directions? Are you scared of looking stupid in front of us? I guarantee that driving around lost for hours and refusing to ask for help is what makes you look an imbecile.
13. Tits: Know how to tell fake ones from real ones. What is the appeal of silicone boobs anyway? Imagine if men had silicone penises. Wouldn't the guy with the real 10 inch penis feel a little irritated that the fake penis was getting all the attention? We kind of feel the same way when it comes to boobs.
14. Cooking/Food/Wine: Food is a very sensual thing in a lot of ways. It involves all your senses, from the presentation to the scent to the texture of the meal. A man who can cook or appreciates good wine and a good meal is someone who likes to engage all their senses and that is a very good thing in bed.
15. Know your limitations: Every man has a talent. It could be dancing, it could be taxidermy, it could be cooking. If you aren't good at something, don't pretend to be. If you can't dance or sing , a career on Broadway is probably out. Be confident in your abilities but not arrogant in your limitations. Besides I can't remember ever seeing a tap-dancing taxidermist on Hell's Kitchen , can you?
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