2008

It's been a long, difficult year.

High points. Low points.

I've had to struggle in my career, in my personal life. I've had to shelve a few plans.

2008 has been bittersweet.

Career-wise, it's a cliffhanger. Salary increment plans would be on hold till further notice. So there's that. Nothing I can say about that. I'm just glad I've done what I've aimed to do when I took this job offer: Learn. And that I have. It's better no salary increment than to have a pay-cut and get laid off anyway, which is being done in several companies, given the current economic climate. So I'll dig my heels in and weather the storm as best I can. After all, it wasn't a bad start to my new job. And I'm trying to keep as positive as I can.

Personal life, well I suppose if anyone's been following that's off till further notice too. I'm not sure where that will be going. I suppose for now, I'll be concentrating on me. 'Cos I've let go. There's no more anger, no more frustration, just sadness. Resignation. Forgiveness too, for what had been done. Although I wouldn't let any of that happen to me again. That's just self-preservation. Once bitten, twice shy. But we've both made many mistakes, and forgiveness is important to move forward with living.

It sucks to break up right before the holiday season. Christmas was always the most quietly romantic holiday for me. Time to spend with loved ones. People we cherish most. But in a way I'm glad. And relieved. It would suck even more to be crying and fighting during the holiday season. Mayhap it's better this way.

There's much to be learnt from solitude after all.

Met a friend I knew from a friend, and barely know in person on fb chat. And he tells me: 'cheer up dear... good things always around the corner... though sometimes it can be a long corner... nevertheless .... good things...'

Strangely comforting, coming from a guy who annoys me to bits each time we meet. :P Probably the first time he sounds his age in the few times we meet... and immediately after, he sounds like his usual jackass self again :)

That, though, somehow made me cry again, silly as it is... it's been a really long corner this year, and I've come right to the edge of breaking point so many times. I suppose that's the price to pay for growing up. I do hope he's right... I could do with a nice break, even a small one, just to know the effort's not all been in vain.

So I wanna take a break. From the daily grind for awhile. Just to recharge, rejuvenate. Probably remove myself from people for awhile. Just to rediscover myself.

It's been a long corner of a year. But I've had no regrets.

I ended the year:

1. On a cliffhanger due to the global economic downturn.

2. Newly single again, though with many new friends.

3. Learning how to clean the radiator gasket for a car... that's another completely different blog altogether. Stay tuned.

4. Back to my November 2007 waistline... Yes, I can fit in old jeans again. That's how much I lost weight due to the events of the past 2-3 months.

5. Having a new appreciation for my family and friends, well-meaning that they are... though not necessarily always helpful :P but still... well-meaning....

I wish to have a clean, fresh start to 2009, with renewed hope for the future, whatever it is it has in store for me.

Life goes on, after all. And I hope my friend is right. Good things always around the corner.

Let's drink to the past, toast to the future, and cheer the present.

high school

:D went on discussion board for STS' alumni on what was it we miss about school most:

here are some which i had ALMOST forgotten....:

1. band practice (STS band rawked!)

2. school library (yeah, we had some REALLY INTERESTING books there :P)

3. climbing over St Jude's gate when they locked it in order to go to St Joe Parish tuition (HAHAHA!! GUILTY!!! lihai lehhh... in pinafore skirts some more... *rolls eyes* damn tomboy, i know :P)

4. St Jude's Maggie Mee curry with egg. Very sedap and unique taste, I'm still trying to get the same taste for my own Maggie mee curry. (OMG... YAAAA.....)

5. The lab storeroom where they stored preserved fetuses. That's what got me hyped about biology and ended up doing vet med. Yeah, I'm a sadist. (OMG... YARRRRRRRRRRR AGAIN! we had the COOLEST bio lab shit ever!)

6. Canteen's Sarawak laksa. Bloody damn sedap and cheap too. And also the mee soup. (:D YESH... and Mee Jawa too, i think. STS' canteen food pwnts SJS' anyday :P:P:P)

7. going to toilet with a special key (:P don't ask why, we also dunno. prolly so girls don't stuff used pads down the toilet and block up the entire sewerage system of the toilet block. yah. we had toilet BLOCKS :P)

8. The 'haunted' school hall back staircase! LOL! (yeah... all the ghost stories :P)

9. The beautiful school grounds with all the trees.. falling leaves (very autumn-ish) and all that! (OMG... yessss..... i still have dreams of going back to school when the leaves are falling, and walking the school grounds with it's up hills and down hills. like i used to do every morning yonks ago...)

10. The classrooms which were never too sunny.. and from the top floor, if you were lucky, you could actually see squirrels! (squirrels, birds, and hordes of other things :P)

11. First Fridays, because classes would start late (MUAHAHAHA... and those Days of Obligation, etc. etc. i know non-catholics (*coff*psycho!*coff*) who would suddenly be catholic for a day :P

12. summerhouse's ice kacang (by the 3 sisters. old fashioned, cooked with charcoal... YUMMMMM.... they don't have it anymore :()

13. playing board games on the LAST day of exams/school (and a lot of other made-up games to entertain ourselves :P)

14. choral speaking :P

15. the colourful teachers.

16. Old St. Mike's. (for kolomee and cui kiao :D)

that's what i missed as mentioned on the discussion board.

these are mine that weren't mentioned:

17. opening the merit-demerit book on the first day of school and seeing this:
dilarang berdua-duaan di kawasan perkarangan sekolah, gereja, dan perkuburan gereja. mata demerit: 10 markah (? or was it 20 markah? whatever. it was A LOT ok, for berdua-duaan! :P)

18. having a class more than 50% prefects.... and all BLOODY CORRUPTED to boot. :P *pssstttt..... spotcheck! keep the things!* LOL!

19. hiding liquid papers, CDs, and all manner of illegal stuff behind the boards at the back of the class, and the old blackboards in front.

20. being in a reallllyyyyy oooooolllllllddddddd school. u can smell the history seeping from the halls and stairways :) and the moveable double blackboards. :P that's the only reason i watch Harry Potter movies :P it reminds me of the la sallian brothers, franciscan sisters and british education system which our own is based on. even more so back home, and in a convent school like STS. :)

21. working on the school mag with davi, marg and siew ling. that's english and bm editors for u :)

22. annoying the fuck out of our teachers. making one particular one cry in primary 5. ok, not proud of it. but he was a MAJOR ASS.

23. creating jingles..... like: on top of spaghetti... all covered with cheese..... or: batman!!! walkin' down the highway, car came the other way, FLATMAAAANNNNN!!!! :D

24. the pencil family.

25. paper hangman, and those games where we divided a paper into columns labelled: countries, names, cities, famous people, animals, etc. 98 girls would know what i'm talking about ;) man, we were nerds/geeks. :P and proud of it!

26. creating ridiculous stories.

27. burping competitions in class. C/JJ were probably the undisputed queens of the burp!

28. having a fascination and endless conversations on GI Joe, Transformers, Saber Rider from 9-12, Aladdin from 12-14, X-Files from 14-our early 20s, archaelogy (especially Egyptian) from 13-18? *rolls eyes* definitely tomboys, we were :P

29. wearing shorts underneath our pinafores.

30. hanging-out at the church compound after school.

31. the sense of school pride. :) yeah, elitist somewhat, but i can't help it. A Teresian once, a Teresian for life! it was, after all, what forged and formed my identity.

32. the life-long friendships we forged for life. :) that's priceless, girls. it really is. XOXOXO. wherever we will go. however far we would move away from home and each other. there'll always be a bond between us. :) a toast to my sisters!

anything else? :) can't think of anymore right now. and it's time to go home :D

>:(

i don't go on warbook much. well, cos i'm not a gaming person to start with. i have my reasons which i'd elaborate later. and also because i've been fucking-busy-no-time-to-breathe-shit-tired-when-i-get-home kinda busy these two months.

so yeah, i'm easy target on warbook. i didn't log on for weeks until i had so much gold, my friend actually sent me a message on msn asking for some. lol.

my acreage was puny too, so i was REALLY pissed when i finally logged in to send gold to some friends, and found my sorry-ass kingdom attacked left, right and center.

ok, this called for remedial action. told my friend i had to beef up my defenses, which i did, upped my defense score several thousand fold, and built me some barracks and forts. sonovabitches just u assholes wait :P

damn... THIS is why i don't game lah. sighs.

couldnt give a shit about my attacking ability cos i had no intention to log into warbook that often.

that was a week back. last night i went yumchar with friends, and 90% of the time, they talked about was warbook :P so i thought, today i'd log in and send gold to some friends.

today i came in, and i had levelled up without kicking anyone's ass. cos i was attacked. thank god for good defenses.

what i thought was fucking pond-scum low though, was someone whose acreage was waaaayyyyyyyy more than mine picking on me 3 times in a morning by 1100 hours. twice is fine. three times is asking for it. woiii.... LOW lah. pick someone your own size, u goddamned fucker.

>:( gonna max out my spells and do a boundary shift on the bastard tomorrow. then next day i'm gonna fireball him, next day, boundary shift him again, earthquake him, and boundary shift him one more time. 5 days in a row. see how fast he can build up again. don't mess with a bitch. LOW LOW LOW. i can play diiiiirrrrrrty too.

why don't i game? cos when i watched the fireball rip through the other dude's lands, with the knowledge that none of my men had to die, there was this funny, familiar, forgotten feeling coming over me.... it's called an adrenaline rush. yes, i like it. yes, it's addictive. it's SCARY. i get hooked on it. it's exhilarating. especially when it's bloody justified.

yeah it's just a game. THAT'S WHY I DON'T PLAY IT! what am i afraid of? ME. :P Like ciggies, pot, alcohol, sex and chocolate. Addictive. Let's not go there.

I'm FUCKIN' BLOGGIN' ALREADY, BITCH!!! :D

so, ahem... i was told to 'Stop fucking around on f***** and start blogging already!'

guess it's been a long time :) so many things have happened since, it amazes me...

life goes on, i guess...

i've got so many blogs written fully in my head, but i'm too darn lazy and i was also genuinely busy, so i haven't blogged. even have some written on paper... but... to... lift... those.... fin-gers.... to... type... is... haaarrrrddddd.... woooorrrrkkkk..... *yawn* :P

(no, bitch... not just busy superpoking ppl :P)

so what have i been up to? what's new?

for the 1.5 ppl still visiting me here :)

i've been:

a) talking to the voices in my head. they were all quarrelling with each other, see :) hence all the stress.... we're all happily on the same side, now, minus the minor arguments, so it's all good :D

b) work. seriously. finished up a job in august. commencing on a few potentials this month. work's good :) keeps me occupied.

c) spending too much time on f****'s apps. gotta join f**** apps anonymous soon :P according to Nick. well, i agree. haha. but it's been a pleasure. found so many old and new friends there :D and it's WAAAAYYYYY cooler than f*****. :P

d) meeting up with friends, meeting new ones, partaaayyyyy-iiinnnnggggg!!!!! :D as some of u might know, from the pics i've put up. life's been rockin'! :D

e) burying the ghosts of the past :) will put up posts about that later. be warned ;) forewarned is forearmed, dahlings :)

i'm glad my friends have rallied for me :) it's good to know one is loved. thank you. all of you :) u guys know who u are. through my fluctuating moods, and my cranky rants. and my anger. and lawd... the frustration :P u ppl must be saints. i love you too :) yeah, this is my way of saying thank you.

what else? ohh... i think bachelor girl's Buses and Trains best describes my situation now.... *sighs* sometimes things happen when one least expects it, i suppose. sang this over and over in the car friday night :P one of my faves from old times. and my god, still so fitting after so many years. kinda like natalie imbruglia's Torn.

Hey Mom, why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two?
You just let me go, out into the world,
You never thought to share what you knew.

CHORUS

So I walked under a bus,
I got hit by a train,
Keep fallin' in love,
Which is kind of the same,
I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane,
And it felt so good, I wanna do it again.

Hey Mom, why didn't you warn me?
'Cause about boys there's something I should have known,
They're like chocolate cake, like cigarettes,
I know they're bad for me but I just can't leave 'em alone.

CHORUS

Hey Mom, since we're talkin',
What was it like when you were young?
Has the world changed or is still the same?
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun.

ciaoz :) will be back again. soon. promise. *kisses*

Waiting

This resonated in me:

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person;

Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances,
for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you.

Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them.

And most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that's where you belong.

==

You got under my skin. I wouldn't be the person I am now if it weren't for you.
But...

Our Story has ended. It ended even before it had a chance to begin.

And I am sad. But there is no other way.

Perhaps someday you would understand:
That letting go doesn't mean giving up.
It means finally coming to terms with things/people/situations that aren't meant to be.

So now I'll just wait for someone who would take the time to try and understand me,
just as I took the time to try and understand you.