Vicissitudes

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....

Solitude

I've found what I came here for.

In the jungles, hearing the jungle sounds I've missed so much, I realise how much we take the things we love most in life for granted.

The greenery that brings peace into my heart.

The cacophony of jungle noises that moves you to stop and listen, rather than the sounds of busses and cars and other random vehicles during peak hour traffic.

The big fat ant scurrying around with food for the nest.

That dragonfly with purple wings.

The mountain stream. So clear, you can see the rocks at the bottom. So cold, like only mountain stream can be. So sweet to the taste too, no scent of chlorine at all.

How I miss nature. How I miss home. How the hustle-bustle of living in the big city in a concrete jungle has stressed me out beyond belief I haven't been able to think straight.

We all need a break once in awhile. To look after ourselves. To stop and smell the roses. Or the hummus, in this case. How to look after anyone else when we ourselves are a complete mess?

I hiked out to the sea. And oh... it was beautiful. When I reached the hanging bridge over the meromictic lake, I could only pause and take a deep breath. And I took it all in. The huge rocks. The delta. The sea stretching away before me. The lake where seawater and freshwater does not mix. The mangrove trees behind me. The white sand. I was stunned. It was a beauty that went beyond words.

And my heart sang a song. Finally. I laughed. I cried. I wanted to do a little dance :)

So I went to play. Screw the twisted ankle. Let's climb rocks. Oh... let's pick seashells on the seashore. Let's dig our hands deep into the sand and feel the grainy texture of the sand. Remove the sneakers. Feel sand beneath our feet. Feel the rocks. Texture, texture, texture. Lovely texture. Oh! A crab! It's quite a big one! Let's catch it and take it home! :D Oohhh... it's perfectly camouflaged for the sand. If it hadn't moved, we wouldn't have seen it :)

I saw a sea otter. It was amazing. It flopped out to the beach, it's shiny coat gleaming in the hot sun. It stood on it's hind legs and peered out to the beach. I tried getting closer for a closer look, but then it spun around, and flopped right back into the sea. It's an omen. Of what, I don't know, but how often do you see a sea otter? 

I sat on a huge rock boulder, the waves crashing around me. I watched the tide get higher and higher. I watched the waves drown/ bury a rock as the tide gets higher. And yet the fact that there was a rock there is still an interference to the waves, and it affected their pattern.

What lies buried doesn't mean there's no effect... there's always something to learn from nature. I'm sure Newton knows that :)

So I sat on that boulder and watched the waves. Watched and heard them crash around the rocks on which I sat. Watched and heard them crash and lap against the shore. Watched and heard them as they sent sea spray towards me. And I found balance. And peace. I felt so insignificant at that moment. And yet so blessed.

The bottom half of a black bikini floated up along with the waves... The sea takes everything. What are my troubles compared to the lives lost in the tsunami? They seemed to pale so much in comparison, in perspective. And yet, everything works the way they should. Everything has it's place, it's time, it's reason. I'm significant, yet insignificant. Insignificant, yet significant. I have my place here, even if it's lowly. I have my part to play.

So I sat on that boulder and watched the waves. Heard the forest song behind me, and the sea song before me. And the wisdom of the wind and the waves and the forest spoke their ancient wisdom to me, and deep in my heart, I understood. And was glad. And so I opened my mouth and sang His praises out loud: How Great Thou Art! It was apt. It was appropriate.

It was a new year: a new start, a new beginning. 

It was worth it: the long hike there and back. Straining myself to achieve. The initial exhaustive push. Worth every drop of sweat: 1 1/2 hours there. 1 1/2 hours back. It was all worth it.

Old histories would be buried, and even if it has its effects, there's something to learn from it. I did what was right, heeding my intuition and heading out here, twisted ankle and all. It was right to find balance and peace. To be with family. To hear the ancient wisdom whispered to me in nature's call.

Even if my head doesn't understand, my heart of heart does.

**

The Sea Otter as a totem:

Otter is the animal totem associated with the Rest and Cleansing Moon. The otter is one of the most playful animals in the wild.

Otters have warm and active home lives. both parents assist in raising the young who stay with them longer than the young of most wild animals. Otters are ardent companions to each other. A mate will mourn the death of his or her companion.

Because of the otters' exemplary home life, nobility, curiosity, inventiveness, and playfulness, Native people recognized the power of the otter. Some of the most powerful medicine bags in certain tribes were made from the fur of otters. Otter medicine is so strong to some tribes that it is secret until you reach a certain degree of initiation.

Working with otter can teach you about playfulness, nurturing, originality, inventiveness, nobility, curiosity, humanitarianism, companionship, and child rearing.

Native American peoples have long admired the otter as a strong protector of family. The otter is also a powerful symbol of ‘woman medicine’ and female energy. 

Sea otters pups will haul themselves out of the water and 'rest' on their mother's stomach while she floats on her back. Curiosity, empathy, and grace are three more characteristics with which we associate and identify the otter. 

As an animal totem and spirit guide, the otter symbolizes speed and agility. It teaches us that play is an important aspect of life. Watching otters, adults and pups chasing each other and sliding down banks head first, or lying on their backs chirping and chatting to each other, it’s easy to see why they continue to symbolize joy, fun, and mischief wherever we’re lucky enough to observe them.

Work Again....

Trying to form some Questions to ask on Party vs. Governance....

and I'm coming up blank.

Stuffy nose, and itching throat. Having difficulty swallowing... and swollen lymph nodes.

Never a good sign for me. I know my body well. That means a fever is coming on.

So I went to the doc's this morning. Maybe I SHOULD take MC. Am shivering at work. Dammit.... I haven't got much time either.

One project after another.

I'm afraid I haven't time to pack my stuff. Moving out end of this month to a house-ful of cats :P How does 11 sound to you?

J's already booked me for mid-Nov to look after his cats while he's away for cat competition *rolls eyes* :P and I haven't moved in yet!!! Apa-ler bebudak zaman sekarang :D

Looking forward to Chicago and hitting the town in November.
Wonder if Nurse is coming this weekend, though. She don't sound too keen anymore. Sighs... I couldn't take leave. What to do? She ain't the only one disappointed :(
Girl's back for good :) But she'd be based in Ipoh :( Not so good.
Psycho's birthday coming up too... and the lil turban boy is due. HEHEHE.... Can't believe one of the clown's is gonna be a Dad O.O

I'm FUCKIN' BLOGGIN' ALREADY, BITCH!!! :D

so, ahem... i was told to 'Stop fucking around on f***** and start blogging already!'

guess it's been a long time :) so many things have happened since, it amazes me...

life goes on, i guess...

i've got so many blogs written fully in my head, but i'm too darn lazy and i was also genuinely busy, so i haven't blogged. even have some written on paper... but... to... lift... those.... fin-gers.... to... type... is... haaarrrrddddd.... woooorrrrkkkk..... *yawn* :P

(no, bitch... not just busy superpoking ppl :P)

so what have i been up to? what's new?

for the 1.5 ppl still visiting me here :)

i've been:

a) talking to the voices in my head. they were all quarrelling with each other, see :) hence all the stress.... we're all happily on the same side, now, minus the minor arguments, so it's all good :D

b) work. seriously. finished up a job in august. commencing on a few potentials this month. work's good :) keeps me occupied.

c) spending too much time on f****'s apps. gotta join f**** apps anonymous soon :P according to Nick. well, i agree. haha. but it's been a pleasure. found so many old and new friends there :D and it's WAAAAYYYYY cooler than f*****. :P

d) meeting up with friends, meeting new ones, partaaayyyyy-iiinnnnggggg!!!!! :D as some of u might know, from the pics i've put up. life's been rockin'! :D

e) burying the ghosts of the past :) will put up posts about that later. be warned ;) forewarned is forearmed, dahlings :)

i'm glad my friends have rallied for me :) it's good to know one is loved. thank you. all of you :) u guys know who u are. through my fluctuating moods, and my cranky rants. and my anger. and lawd... the frustration :P u ppl must be saints. i love you too :) yeah, this is my way of saying thank you.

what else? ohh... i think bachelor girl's Buses and Trains best describes my situation now.... *sighs* sometimes things happen when one least expects it, i suppose. sang this over and over in the car friday night :P one of my faves from old times. and my god, still so fitting after so many years. kinda like natalie imbruglia's Torn.

Hey Mom, why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two?
You just let me go, out into the world,
You never thought to share what you knew.

CHORUS

So I walked under a bus,
I got hit by a train,
Keep fallin' in love,
Which is kind of the same,
I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane,
And it felt so good, I wanna do it again.

Hey Mom, why didn't you warn me?
'Cause about boys there's something I should have known,
They're like chocolate cake, like cigarettes,
I know they're bad for me but I just can't leave 'em alone.

CHORUS

Hey Mom, since we're talkin',
What was it like when you were young?
Has the world changed or is still the same?
A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun.

ciaoz :) will be back again. soon. promise. *kisses*

Dragonflies

Been seeing too many dragonflies of late. I walk out of the house, and I see a dragonfly. Whether the real thing, or a human interpretation of it.

I wonder what it means....

Not that I don't like dragonflies. I love them. Caught them as a child. Studied the different colours and intricacies of the wing patterns. Then I released them.

Yep! I is kampung girl. I could tell the difference between a male and female dragonfly as a girl. Not sure I remember how to now anymore, though.

Even as a 5-year-old, I loved Biology.

Had always preferred dragonflies to butterflies, for some reason. Perhaps I liked the fact that dragonflies seem to be able to move from water to air. It's as though they made something out of themselves from humble beginnings.

Never mind. I'm rambling. And beginning to sound even more like a madwoman than usual. :)

I'm not superstitious, or anything, but... there has been times in my life when a recurring event/object/creature means some Greater Power up there is trying to tell me something.

Dreams. Objects. Events. Form 5. Form 6. University. PG Dip. Now.

Dejavu.

I wonder what it means.

I really do think Someone's trying to tell me something. It's getting way too often to be ignored.

Should go and find out if dragonflies mean anything, and if they do, what they symbolise.

Sigh.... Now I sound even more insane than I already am. :P