Vicissitudes

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....

2010

So many things have happened recently....

And I have so many things on my mind...

But before all that, I figure I should write out what I plan to do this year first. Not exactly resolutions, just some goals:

1. To step out of my comfort zone.

I want to do things I never thought I would do, things I never thought I COULD do. Well, if given the opportunity, I'd like to try. It's time. How would I know what I can or cannot do if I do not try?

2. To live life.

To attempt work-life balance, to stop and smell the roses sometimes, to enjoy what I do, or to find something to enjoy. We have only one life to live, after all.

3. To write again.

I've been putting this off for years, it's time to pick this up again. Who knows where it will bring me?

4. To travel more.

I've always loved travel and culture. Now that AirAsia has zero fares, it should not be an excuse to not do the things I love. I recently got back from Manila and loved it. I should do this more often. Even if I do it alone.

5. To be happy with myself.

For so long, I let my insecurities get in my way. This year I want to learn to enjoy my own company, like I used to. To do things on my own a little bit more. I've started doing that again in 2009, and I hope in 2010 to continue.

6. To take more serious steps about my 5 year goal.

To save more money, to look to the future, to plan for a house, to plan for a career. I'm not getting any younger. It's time.

7. To pick up a hobby.

Gardening, dancing. Something. I haven't figured that out yet, it wouldn't be easy. But it's a goal, nonetheless.

8. To be a better person.

Simple. Just to be better than 2009. Humbler, kinder, more loving, more compassionate.

I think these are good goals to work towards... now I hope I can keep this up, not just for this year, but for years to come. :)