while i've been away.....

was away at a WoW house... where all the comps are always in fully-utilised mode, so i didn't have much of a chance to blog despite my wanting to write about several things.

things are in full swing now that i'm back at work (:() but i still really wanna blog about the horny politician.

so an em-ian minister pulls a clinton.... and is considered a HERO cos he 'apologises' about it in public.... though how it's called an apology is beyond me.

what about it irks me?

statements such as 'she is a PERSONAL FRIEND' (hohoho) and 'unsure whether it was old or new'... right....
and his 'next course of action' has yet to be decided: 'I will think about it after meeting the press.' (and fucking 'em female press ppl silly? they're all personal friends)

and then the police are coming down on those who own/distribute the DVD.... HUH?? it's an offense... right...

here's the thing: if he were an opp leader, he'd be crucified downside up by now. and subject to all forms of verbal and what-not abuse on his character...

and really now, his being recorded fucking a 'personal friend' silly should be ample proof of a lack of moral credibility, and he should step down from politics gracefully.

even Clinton would probably have done so if such proof were circulated around the US of A, in, say, Arkansas.

in all seriousness, my bitterness with the ruling team aside:
i'm not saying it's right to invade one's privacy with recordings and such... it IS. but would there be such a crackdown and hue-and-cry on the invasion of privacy if it were, say, an artiste? or just an ordinary person like you or me? or if it were an opposition leader?

yes, temptations abound. perhaps the marriage has long been dead.... but he is STILL married. is it more right for him to maintain his marriage for the sake of posterity (and because it clouds the eyes of the public, therefore, making it easier to enter politics) and then fuck 'personal friends', or 'not-so-personal friends', rather than get a divorce and fuck 'friends' as a bachelor?

it's one thing to be a single man with a fuckbuddy. quite another to be a married/unavailable man with a fuckbuddy.

if you're a confirmed bachelor/bachelorette who doesn't pretend to want a relationship/emotional entanglement, it's a completely different ballgame than a man or woman who has ties that bind.

yes, he may be a good politician, leader of the people, one who does the duties of his office faithfully. perhaps. but betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust. if he were a good politician, etc. etc. then his error in judgment is one the people of his constituency as well as himself has to pay heavily for. which is very very sad... because in all fairness, he HAS been a good Minister of Health, in my opinion.

but fair is fair. pay for his error he has to. and firstly, he has a lot to make up for. to his wife and children, most of all, if they still mean a lot to him. if his marriage has long been over, then it's perhaps about time he stop the farce and file for divorce. if said 'personal friend' is someone he has long wanted to marry, then do so. it's better than living a lie. and lying to the public.

whether it were just a fling, or an emotional entanglement, is BESIDE THE POINT. it doesn't make his behaviour any more RIGHT. in fact, an emotional entanglement, makes it even sadder. because the poor woman AS WELL AS his poor wife has to suffer in silence for such a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time. how idiot politicians interviewed in the papers (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/1/6/focus/19931882&sec=focus) can make one less 'sinful' than the other just shows how SHALLOW and SUPERFICIAL some people are. and how they hold DOUBLE STANDARDS for different groups of people.

yes, after marriage, you may still meet another man or woman that you fancy. but is it RIGHT to pursue both at the same time? marriage is a CHOICE. it is a COMMITMENT. it means choosing to fuck one vagina or one penis for the rest of your fucking life (pun intended). it means keeping yourself emotionally, mentally and physically LOYAL to ONE PERSON until you die (or the marriage gets dissolved). it means RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY.

like a job: if you're working for someone, you may still find another job that you fancy. should you pursue both at the same time too? certainly not. you WOULD get fired. and you WOULD receive disciplinary action. but in marriage it's ok? shouldn't you suffer the same fate? isn't a person's tie to another person more important than a person's tie to a job? both are COMMITMENTS. why is one less important than another?

in an ordinary citizen, such behaviour is wrong. ordinary people suffer censure for it. in a politician holding office, does that make it OK? certainly not. perhaps we should make all politicians who say stupid things like that step down as well. because i'm deeply ashamed to hear such idiocy coming out of the mouths of our elected MPs.

but in all sarcasm for the ruling team:
perhaps i should join the party too, so i could fuck around with 20 year-old male gigolos at 50 and call them personal friends. and then still arrogantly say that i'm unsure about how old the tape was, just so ppl will think i 'masih bocor' at 50.

seriously. this place is going steadily downhill. it makes me sick.

the self-aggrandizement and egocentricity of emian politics and politicians sickens me. this just epitomises such disgustingly low-life behaviour.

and the datin.... what the fuck? 'trying to pull a hillary?' was the first thing i told the boy when i read the papers.

i swear by God's footstool and by the heavens, if the boy ever pulls a 'datuk CSL' on me, i'd:
a) call the courts on him and get him crucified.
b) empty his savings and make them MINE.
c) tie him up to a chair next to his own bbq pit, build a slow fire, cut up his stomach with a katana (yes, trust me, i know ppl who collects swords as a hobby), pull out his intestines slowly and start slowly roasting it over the slow fire (while he's still alive, yes...) while:
d) getting several HUGE-ASS STEROID-ADDICTED IRON-PUMPERS in gimp-suits to gang-rape his ass..
e) get all my friends to make a recording of said unwilling homosexual orgy
f) distribute said recording for FREE
g) carve some curses into his sorry penis with a blunt apparatus
h) castrate said sorry penis with said bloody blunt apparatus
i) by the time all that is done, if he isn't dead yet, he'd wish he was.

i know he reads my blog :P and i know that the above was a resurrection of my coldly graphic male-bashing a la Sixth Form. yes, i knew precisely why most guys feared me. i know. there's prime example there. well, i don't care. all the better for him to know that he shouldn't humiliate and cross me that way unless he wants to be tortured and killed slowly and painfully and even more humiliatingly.

but he's an intelligent man :D with a past of his own. i'm sure he knows better ;)

update

SLP finally came in to work.

So yeah, went to ask about leave.

Answer was still unconfirmed.... can you see the blood coming to boil? Lucky I had a good night's sleep, thanks to exhaustion, not sleeping well the night before, and then thanks to, to somebody :)

Anyway, I digress. Lucky I had a good night's sleep, else I'd have found it difficult to keep my well-known temper in check. Sighs. They don't call me stark raving madwoman for nothing.

I decided to do something different today:

Me: Well, I guess it's a No, then, but it's ok. My friend forfeited anyway.
Him: *sits up and stares* Forfeit? What you mean, forfeit?
Me: Plane ticket. I told you, she's flying over.
Him: Why forfeit? So you mean, you were supposed to fly there, then up to Penang?
Me: ...... {Some people's stupidity stuns me sometimes... I mean, SERIOUSLY? Stupid no?} No... I just go to Penang lah! Meet her there lah! What for make {stupid} roundabout trip? {I swear to God, I ain't a genius... but....}
Him: Ohh... well, you see, we need to get it out by this Friday, and he's supposed to come in yesterday, but he didn't, and today he's coming in too...
Me: Yes, I know. No, he isn't coming in today, I called him yesterday...
Him: Yes, that's right, so anyway... Well... we'll reimburse her lah...
Me: That isn't necessary... see, I asked you for an early answer so this wouldn't happen. You could've you know, just let me know.
Him: Yes, see...
Me: It's fine... I'll deal with it myself.
Him: We could reimburse her.. if it's Airasia.. so you know...
Me: No, I'd like leave in November, though.
Him: Sure... When? We could reimburse her...
Me: It's fine.

Is it just me... or does he NOT get the point? It's not a matter of money. Each time I hear him say: We could reimburse, I feel like swinging one of those spiked clubs to his flat head. Seriously!!! NOT EVERYTHING is about MONEY. Sheeeessssshhhh..... I WAS SO BLOODY ANNOYED.

It's the hanging in LIMBO that is abominable. How'd he like a chick to string him along...
Him: Marry me...
Chick: Well.... I'll think about it....
Him: When can you let me know?
Chick: I don't know.
Him: I need an answer...
Chick: Why?
Him: To let my parents know.
Chick: Well... Friday...

Him: Well? It's Friday...
Chick: I still don't know..... Let you know tomorrow...
etc. and so it goes...

And that doesn't even require a deadline....

Like wtf....

Then again, I got leave in November. Yeah, I preyed on his guilty conscience and got an immediate answer... then again, I've not taken paid leave since I started work. And I bloody need a fucking holiday.

So: YAY!! :D:D:D:D:D

Screw the guilty conscience anyway. He'd get over it soon enough. Like someone said when I told him about this: He sucks dick cheese..... >:(

Anyway, I'm quite stunned by a confession someone told me over text last night. Seriously, I didn't really need to know. Then again, I think the only reason he said it is coz he likes what he can't have. And it's probably safe to. Well, whatever. :) The lines are drawn. The boundaries clear. And I'm not utterly without morals....

Though like Ric says, Satan is digging the 21st level specifically for me...
It's all good... I'd be partying with popes, emperors, Michael Hutchence, Kurt Cobain, etc. in there. Gonna be one swingin' party..... :P Feel free to come join us...

The reason for this dubious honour? Cos he was arguing the politics and finer technicalities of suicide with me, me being a Catholic and all. *rolls eyes.... lawyers...*

So I completely floored him for 2 whole minutes when I said: Yeah, ok... that's suicide. That's suicide too. Technically, they're all suicide, to be fair. So technically speakind, Jesus committed suicide too, you know.

It's rare to see the dude speechless :D

Then he says: You're a practising Catholic. You believe in God and Salvation and all that.
Me: YEP!!
Him: Did you just SAY that?
Me: YEPPP!!!!
Him: :O
Me: :D

Hence the 21st level of Hell remark...

Oh well... he just called that someone 'soyabean cincau'..... Hmm...

I'm having a mental block... This is BAD...

Finality

17.08.2007. 1942 hours.

I finally took the steps I should have taken long ago on my own accord today.

Finally.

The finality weighted down on me. But it had to be done. Considering how he was a selfish coward to the end, and how finally, that selfish cowardice turned into a cruelty so crippling, its consequences on me, he would never see, and, if I had my way, he'd never know.

He probably never thought twice about it, but he would criticise all but one of my five senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing. The only thing he didn't complain about was my voice. Perhaps, given time, he might have started criticising that as well.

It makes me wonder now: What type of little person was he, that he had to put me down, especially after a particularly intimate moment?
If I had doubts about my self-esteem, his criticism would have destroyed me.
Was that what he was seeking to do? What did he get out of such behaviour? But I no longer want to know.

Looking back now, there are some aspects to our situation then that I did not understand, which I do now. It casts an even greater shadow on the memory.

It makes me wonder, too, if everything he did then, had a hidden agenda. The thought made me blanch, but I suppose I have to face the consequences of my choice. So I made a mistake. A huge one.

I suppose if I were he, I wouldn't be able to help not just having the emotional range of a teaspoon, but also the psychological range of a pinhead.

I feel sorry for him.

But I can't spend the rest of my life playing counselor. And I won't take being used and abused again.

Someday he may finally come to his senses.
Someday he may learn to be less selfish.
Someday he may no longer be a coward.
Someday he may finally grow up and be a man.
But someday is too long to wait.

Someday might be tomorrow. Someday might be his deathbed.
Someday is a word he uses when he doesn't want to make a commitment.

Someday I may learn to trust and respect him again.
Someday I may learn to like him as a person once more.
Someday we might share once more the camaraderie we used to share.
Someday I may no longer feel as hurt as I do now.

But for now, I would rather keep it like this.

It would be as though we never met again.

I would remember him as the boy I used to know in school.

I'd wipe out as best I can, my memory of him as the charred holey remains of a shell I met again years later.

Because no matter how hard I tried to fill that shell, I could never do so.
No matter how much tears I filled it up with, it never did fill.

So I've stopped trying. It's too late for me.
Perhaps not for him, but for me.

Because it hurts to feel used.
Because it hurts to feel cheated on.
Because it hurts to care and yet realise it's one-sided.
Because it hurts to love a person incapable of loving.
Because it hurts to feel stupid and question your own judgment.
Because it hurts to know you've been betrayed.
Because it hurts to ask yourself:
'You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?'

Love and acceptance has to be borne, it cannot be expected from someone else.
If you hold someone's hand, you would never let it go. But it you ask someone to hold yours, you never know when you would be let go of.
You have to love and accept yourself first, before someone else can love and accept you. Because truly, how the world sees you, is how much you see, and show of, yourself to the world.

I suppose that truth is something he would never understand. Partly because he has never really wanted to try. An empty peace without true commitment is always what he had sought after. He is still a spoilt, selfish, cowardly little brat. A wilful 4-year-old who throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he want. Took me awhile to see that, and come to terms with it. All the women in his life, he had never treated well. Not the first, not the second, not the third, not the fourth, and not even his mother. He had never had enough respect for anyone of them to tell anyone of them the full truth at all times.

He hates himself. TOO much. And he expects other people to fill that gap in his life. To make him feel good about himself. To keep him from hating himself. He doesn't realise only he himself can do that for himself.

I refuse to live like that. Yet that is the very painful truth I had to finally come to terms with. That was what sealed the decision for me. A boy who has no respect for his parents, and who hates himself, is extremely flawed in character.

And the truth is, no matter how elitist this may sound, but Oprah Winfrey was right. We should surround ourselves only with people who would lift us up, not drag us down.

I hope this would be the end of it. The last of it. I'm turning my wounds into wisdom. Because I know, the way we're meant to be is that where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Perhaps that was his problem from Day 1. But it's no longer my problem. It never was in the first place. All he's ever done for me was tell me 'No'. No, I wasn't good enough. No, I wasn't hot enough. No, I wasn't skinny enough (I should weigh less than 45kgs). No, I didn't smell good enough. No, No, No. Fuck it, he had never earned the right to tell me Yes in the first place. So why take a No?

'When it comes to being lucky, he's first,
When it comes to loving me, he's the worst.'

Here are more of my favourite quotes from the Great Coloured Lady:

1. Never take a 'no' from somebody who isn't in a position to give you a 'yes' in the first place.

2. We are each responsible for our own life - no other person is or even can be.

3. The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.

4. If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think.

5. I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself.

6. You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more.

7. It is confidence in our bodies, minds and spirits that allows us to keep looking for new adventures, new directions to grow in, and new lessons to learn - which is what life is all about.

8. I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk.

9. For everyone of us that succeeds, it's because there's somebody there to show you the way out. The light doesn't always necessarily have to be in your family.

10. We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are.

11. I know that you cannot hate other people without hating yourself.

IMHO, the DUMBEREST statement ever.

Wednesday. 13.06.2007. 2331 hours.

Ahh, something I've been meaning to blog about for quite awhile.

Now that my housemate finally decided to get the hell out of the bathroom, and I'm nicely clean and moisturised, let's get down to it.

I've heard many a stupid statements in my 20-odd years on earth.

A huge bulk of it comes from my brother.

Don't get me wrong, I love the dumbass. He's my brother after all. He's good at what he does, but 2 feet away from his passion, and he's almost absolutely hopeless.

His ideas are totally rad.... like, seriously mind-boggling.

But this statement from someone I happen to know, concerning infidelity and temptation, totally takes the cake.

I'm Opinionated, Direct, Sarcastic, Articulate, Random. I have the uncanny ability to think of many random things at one time, and keep them all aligned in my mind. I can skip from random topic to random topic, and then get back to the first topic of conversation without forgetting or missing a beat.

But when I heard this coming out of the mouth of someone I know, my mind went totally blank for those brief nanoseconds. Devoid of any thought whatsoever. It was as though I was struck by lightning. Yes, Awe-struck by the lightning of Sheer, Blatant IDIOCY.

I have never in my entire life (and I hope never again for the REST of my life. My life was much-shortened by those few precious moments) heard anything so Outrageously, Ridiculously Imbecilic. Even a Retard would know better, you know what I'm saying?

Now I know since I blog inconsistently, and I go on hiatus without warning, probably not many people read my blog. Not that there were many readers/blogders in the first place.

So for the 3.25 people still reading my blog, and whoever comes across this, please, do me a favour. Let me read of ur opinion on this matter. Am I being too critical, or is it really, really, REALLY *DUH*?

Even for those who do not normally comment here, leave a comment on this. Thank you.

Now here's the statement:

'Maybe if we were to get rid of ALL temptation... live together... go to work at the same time... come home at exactly the same time... maybe then we won't cheat on each other...'

This coming from one half of a couple who HAS BOTH cheated on each other.

Ok. Let me state my arguments on why I think that's sooooo not gonna work. Totally unfeasible.
1. If there's no respect, and no trust, and no effort from both parties, they would still cheat on each other, no matter what.

2. Unless you kill the other 6.5 billion minus 2 (the couple) in the world, temptation would still and will always be around. Even with the rest of the people in the world dead, she might still rather do a horse, and he might still rather do a bitch (as in female dog).

3. Or, unless both migrate to HERMIT island, and live alone by themselves, without work, without a social life outside of themselves, without Temptation, MAYBE it MIGHT just work. Then again, there's always the horse.... and the bitch....

4. Most affairs happen at work. This is because you see your co-workers so much more in a day than you see your partner. Now, there's always lunch break for that lunch-hour quickie, there's always periods of lull in between work to sneak off to the deserted stairway or lavatory for yet another quickie, and there's always overtime. Whether justified or not. There's no such thing as going to work at exactly the same time, and coming home at exactly the same time. Even if both partners are working at exactly the same place. That's more than wishful-thinking. That's sheer stupidity. So unless you really love and respect your partner, and do not wish to lose the person's trust, what incentive is there to prevent you from taking that temptation?

5. If it has to come to THIS statement, doesn't that mean that the person who says it is grasping at straws? Doesn't that mean that the person itself no longer has confidence in the relationship at all? So what does that say about the chance of the relationship's survival? Hence my sarcasm concerning the horse and the bitch....

That statement horrified me. It showed a lack of sensitivity. A lack of humility. A lack of understanding. A lack of remorse. A lack of responsible behaviour. It showed a superiority that was astounding. A judgmental and critical person. This person was blaming the rest of the world for a lack of self-control. 'I can't control myself, so I must rid myself of all temptation.' It's like the American tripping over his own feet on a city side-walk and suing the city for 'faulty side-walk'. The obnoxiousness and self-absorption in just that one statement: Horrifying!

Seriously, I was dumbstruck. The retard was obviously not thinking at all. Made me wonder.... the dumbass flushed gray matter down which toilet bowl again?

I shouldn't insult retards. They were born handicapped. They never wished for it. They should have my pity and compassion.

But if you have been given fair intelligence and common sense, and yet refuses to use it, you're just asking for my insult. You're wasting everyone's time and effort. Not just yours. Such a person would do better to just roll over and die. Because, as such, with such a manner of thinking, how could such a person be of any use to society whatsoever?

Really, you know? Common sense is SUCH an uncommon trait lately.

Snowflakes

Saturday. 09.06.2007. 1000 hours.

When I finally confessed to a friend about everything that's happened, she was first, speechless, then, disgusted, finally, disappointed.

I don't blame her. I felt waaaayyyy worse. There was a period when I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror.

Then she said: 'Forget.'
But I said: 'It won't be so easy. We share close mutual friends.'

It was true. From 2001-2007, he was probably one of the worst. But unlike the rest, he was the only one with whom I couldn't completely cut off ties.

The other Top Three Jackasses on my list:

1. The Doctor was easy to ignore. Don't pick up calls, don't reply text, don't answer e-mails. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. He was as good as dead to me.

2. Mr. Churchie-Wurchie wasn't so easy. But still, easier. One mutual friend moved to Aussie, and he didn't really keep in touch with that one, anyway. The other pissed me off so much, that I refused to talk to this one, and cut off ties, too. How very convenient. It was easier after that. It was like the Fates were on my side.

3. But this one isn't as easy. Fate doesn't seem to be on my side. We have close mutual friends that meet regularly. We have unfinished business together that I can't just leave behind. It was as though the Fates conspired to make me suffer and keep him in my sights. Or me in his. Whatever.

This I explained to her.

She said: 'The next time u wanna do something stupid, let me know, so I can whack u on the head with an iron bar.'

Then: 'You've successfully survived years in (insert name of Alma Mater here), don't tell me you can't endure a few hours with mutual friends?'

She's right. Growing up in Alma Mater a four-eyed pizza face, with all teachers knowing my parents, and not being rich, or pretty, in a school full of, and obsessed with, spoilt, rich, beautiful brats wasn't easy. (I'm generalising, remember. Not all are like that).

She knows what I went through. She could tell me WHY I was constantly ridiculed and made fun of.

There's a difference, though. I didn't care then. I phased out most of the time. Like The Doctor, and Mr. Churchie-Wurchie, I COULD not care.

This one got under my skin. Many nights I cry myself to sleep wondering why I cared so much, why he did what he did, and why I allowed myself to be so emotionally vulnerable. And the tears flow again, as I wonder how he could do it, after knowing what he did about all I've gone through. How he could change so much. How he could manipulate and choose a time when I'm most emotionally vulnerable to make me pay for the sins of his other women.

Why did he have to make everything so complicated?

Yes, I could endure the times when I have to face him. I could survive that as I've survived everything else before this.

Two years ago, at 3am on a cold, quiet morning in PH, Diana and I were swapping stories. She of her then boyfriend of 5 years, and me of everything else. No, I had yet to meet Mr. Sel-Imposed-Contrariness then. Diana was shocked. 'For a girl your age, I'm surprised you have gone through all that in such a short span of time. Some girls never go through any of that at all in their whole life.'

'No. And they're the lucky ones. I didn't actively seek them out. I don't consciously put myself here.'

Looking back, maybe I subconsciously do this to myself. Maybe, like my friend says, I seek affection. I can do everything myself. There's nothing I can't do. I've been trained from childhood to be so independent, it can be frightening. And yet, I'd like it if someone could do it once in awhile for me for a change.

Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should want them even less than I need them. And I already need nothing from them.

My friend says, as I was stuffing stuffed mushrooms into my already stuffed mouth (O_O): 'At the end of this... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8th mushroom, he no longer exists. Comprende?'

Looking at my friend of many years, good and bad, through our own fall-outs, I suddenly felt thankful. There are friends, and then there are Friends.

You know you've been friends long enough and well enough when you can just sit quietly together and not feel the need to say anything.

You know you've been friends well enough when words are unnecessary to express how you feel.

You know you've been friends well enough when you know what the other is thinking without the other person saying anything.

You know you've been friends well enough when one look is enough to convey what's on your mind. And you know the other person knows what it means.

You know you've been friends well enough when you can finish each other's sentences.

You know you've been friends long enough and well enough, most of all, when you know the person will have your back, and that the person is someone you can run to when you've nowhere to go, and that's the person you can trust with your blackmail-worthy secrets.

'Yes', I said quietly.

But what she doesn't know was that writing was how I endured Alma Mater.

I wrote on sheet after sheet of long F4 paper. Not stopping until I was done.

When I discovered my parents read them, I either set them on fire, or tore them into little snowflakes.

I would have liked to read them now, though. I've often wondered what my 20 something self would think of me at 10, 12, 14, 16, 18 years old. What murderous intentions did I have then? O_O

So this is how I would endure. This here is my catharsis. I would not speak of him in real life again, unless and until things changes between us (which I put no hope or faith in, sad to say, I really never wished things would end this way).

I would put my thoughts on cyberspace. Only here would I allow myself to truly speak my mind. These are my snowflakes.

When the sun rises in the morning, they would melt, dry up and disappear in the glow of the morning sun.

And they would be no more but distant memories.

Listening to:
Guns N Roses' November Rain (Acoustic)
Butterfly Boucher's I Can't Make Me
Travis' Writing To Reach You

the Y chromosome Pt. 2, twisted relationships, marriages, and that kinda shit.

Monday, 11.06.2007. 1038 hours.

today, i was told that yet another friend is getting married. and i'm being invited. well, yay, can u feel my enthusiasm here?

well, lookie here. i'm not being a wet blanket. if the couple is realistically happy, yes, i'll be the first to send up my congratulations. i'll be genuinely happy. but THIS one... well, i'm not too thrilled. it'd be a waste of my angpao money.

i've seen my fair share, and been in my fair share, of twisted relationships.

and i can honestly say, i hate them.

let me give some real life experiences here. since it's the best way to describe anything, really. analogies. stories.

Scenario A

i know a guy. he's about 29/30. his best friend happens to be a pretty good friend of mine. let's call him Mr. A. after he broke up with, as he calls her, 'the girl he almost married', he ended up with Ms. Z.

she doesn't click too well with all his friends, doesn't really like his parents, but is very VERY nice in front of them. (well, duhhh... i also know how to act, right?) he whines to his friends about her, and the problems they have, so his friends say: break up with her laaa... does he listen? no. he thinks he can't find anyone better. so they continue their sad, twisted relationship.

ultimately, relationships either move forward or get waylaid, so the next logical move was to get married. his friends were against it, but he insisted: my parents like her. she'll change. we might be happy together. (uh-oh! 'might' is never good when paired with 'be happy together') so he married her. his friends wash their hands off of him. kinda. i mean, what can you do when someone doesn't wanna listen, yes? you can lead the horse to water, but you can't force the horse to drink.

within months they were fighting, and in the end, he moved out of the apartment they shared. now they're separated, pending a divorce. which isn't gonna be easy. takes years, and a lot of lawyers' fees.

what to say?

Scenario B

now here's an even better one.

let's call the guy Mr. B, and the girlfriend Ms. Y. now Ms. Y was fucking around with her ex boyfriend while her ex was seeing someone else. then, she got together with Mr. B. Mr. B knows she was doing the horizontal tango with her ex while he was seeing someone else, by the way. she did it rather publicly.

then within the first few months of their becoming a couple, Mr. B caught Ms. Y getting all pretzel-ly with her ex again. When confronted, she says they were 'just talking.' (of course! one organ was talking to another.)

but with all the begging and tears and sorries from both Ms. Y and her ex, he thought: ok, why not? except that he doesn't call, they do it LDR, and when they meet, they plan ahead. and no, they didn't sleep together for a couple of years.

he's rude to her, she attempts to control him. he goes out with other girls behind her back, but thinks she doesn't dare do the same. hmmm.... rewind her very open fucking of her ex-bf while he was seeing someone else. rewind the LDR and his not being too concerned when she calls or how often she does it. (interesting. somehow i'm sceptical.)

then Mr. B sleeps with someone else, in i deduce, a final attempt to break out of the relationship, and tells Ms. Y about it. Ms. Y says she has suspected for awhile, starts crying and then says, most bogglingly: 'i still love you, but not today...' strange.

what i also find even MORE odd is the fact that despite doing a course that doesn't require being in a hub of any particular profession, meaning she could work any damn where she wants, she chooses to stay where her ex-boyfriends are, and not where her boyfriend is.

i mean, seriously, how serious can a relationship that is based entirely on LDR can be? if she really wants/loves her boyfriend, is truly sorry she slept with her ex within a few months of a brand new one, and is really serious about making up for it, and keeping it alive, won't she want to be where he is? don't expect him to go to where u are. go to where he is, no? so why choose to stay far far away from him, when she could most certainly work where he is? yet another hmmm.....

now, when Ms. Y pushes Mr. B concerning the topic of marriage, he gets all pimply... then when asked: 'so do you love her?' there's a loooonnnnnggggg awkward pause, and then: 'maybe with time and patience, we'd be happy.' pressed again: 'do you love her?' again a loooong pause: 'i think so...' a third time, was given the best answer: 'she's..... there....' (riiiiight-oooo!!)

that's just the perfect recipe for a most successful marriage. and Mr. B doesn't want children with Ms. Y either.

again: what to say?

Scenario C

there's a girl. let's call her Ms. C. 26, successful engineer paid plenty of money, quite a beautiful woman. once upon a time, she could have had her pick of men in her hometown. except that, due to her arrogance, she made quite a name for herself.

so a few years back, she met an arrogant, pompous ass of a singaporean new boyfriend, whom she couldn't wait to show her girlfriends. apparently he earns an income within the 'upper tax bracket' (and i quote him verbatim from CNY 2006). her friends didn't think much of him at first sight. pompous, doesn't bother to be friendly at all, condescending. yes, very good way of making an impression.

he gets all riled when an old friend (guy) from school days puts a friendly hand on her shoulder to say 'hi'. he tells her she should've brushed the guy's hands off... !!! (wtf! mcp alert!)

when he gets jealous/angry/etc. she has to drive over to beg him to forgive her and stop sulking. ok....

now her mom is not too well, and wants to see her daughter married off. she's having problems with her in-laws, and her fiance isn't doing a single thing to help. her mother in-law demands a child within the first year of marriage. or else....

so she complains to her girlfriend. and her girlfriend calls daily to ask her if she's sure she wants to marry this particular mean (i mean, man. typo :P)

when asked if she loves him, she goes: mmm.... (long awkward pause) he's good to me.... riiiiiight......

honey, i'm good to her toooooooooo...... *bangs head against wall* MARRRRYYYYYYY MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**
see, i really don't get it. none of the people involved in all 3 scenarios are particularly ugly. well, they may be plain and not very good-looking, except for Ms. C, but still! why stay in a twisted relationship when you can find someone else who makes you happier? so both of you can actually be happy? the longer it goes on, the more painful it becomes. it's:

1. tiresome
2. troublesome
3. time-wasting
4. expensive
5. painful

for more than just the parties concerned. their friends have to hear their whining (1,2,3,4,5), their friends have to spend the effort trying to advise (1,2,3,4,5). their friends have to stand at the sides and watch, despite their best efforts to stop a massive tragedy from happening, them make the START of the BIGGEST MISTAKE of their lives (1,2,5,5,5,5,5). u think that's not painful to watch?

i have another friend, who was much luckier. she had parents in-law who were also frightful, but at least she had a husband who loved her. truly. when she wanted to break it off and go for a painful divorce, now, HER friends advised her otherwise: Are u sure? He's a good man. he stood by her. he stood up to his parents FOR her. he supported her. NOW THAT is a MAN. now THAT is a man worth standing by. he's a man worth WAITING for.

see, if i'm going to spend the rest of my life with u, go through sickness and health with u, for richer, for poorer, then at least let it be worth my effort. at least let it be worth my heartbreak. at least let it be worth my pain. worth my time. worth the rest of my life.

that man LOVED her. standing up to his parents FOR her was the ultimate test of his maturity and his devotion. now if SHE does something stupid, HER friends would give her a mouthful.

those 3 scenarios up there, which one of them can u feel the love? they all leave me graveyard-cold. explain to me again, which of the above is actually a relationship? i call it twisted and sad. and so very, very cold.

when Mr. A told his friends he was separating, none of them were surprised. when i was told about it, all i could think of to say was: oh... finally la. i gave them 1 1/2 years. tops.

u see, going out together and living together (not as housemates, but as a couple) are totally different. i can sit and talk to my housemates and not really care what happens to them. or i can go out with some friends and be really close, and yet know that there is absolutely no way we can actually live together.

living together as two separate entities sharing lives takes compatibility as much as complementariness.

it isn't as simple as 1+1=2.

i feel sorry for the parents. watching your children go through an ugly divorce cannot be easy. going through a divorce takes years so the courts can determine that it truly is irreconcilable differences. those years of lawyers' fees have got to be some hefty amount. arguing about property cannot be easy.

so explain to me again, why would people put themselves in such a horrendous situation?

Mr. B and Ms. Y might get married forever, though.

the indifference might be enough.

they can just be housemates married to each other. go to work, come home, fuck, grunt, turn over, sleep, wake up, go to work again.

after all, all Mr. B is aiming for is a dysfunctional marriage where both partners just do what they're supposed to, to get on with their lives.

he isn't looking for a life partner and a wife. he's aiming for a surrogate mother.

until and unless, of course, Ms. Y decides, in an attempt to get her then-husband's attention, to drop the Pill, and go against his wishes to not have children with her, and get pregnant.

then he'd stay by her side, but blame her for tying him down, and tell her she's gotten fat and ugly due to pregnancy. a likely scenario, considering that he can be cruel and a coward like that.

because isn't he already cruel and a coward now? the only reason he's with her, is because she's there. and she's with him because he's there, too.

Ms. C would suffer. but she might never go through a divorce. she likes appearances way too much. but she'd suffer, and she'd whine, and her friends would suffer, listening to her.

all of these just makes me want to vomit blood out of disgust. :(

The Precipice Pt. 3

Friday. 08.06.2007. 2033 hours.

It's been a long time. It feels like forever since I've been plunged headlong, and I've walked the Valley of Darkness.

The screams. The cries. The moans. The gritting of teeth. The stench of death. The pain all around. The seemingly endless road to travel. No stops. No rest. Only exhaustion. Only pain. Travelling that endless road filled with dark gravel, crawling on my knees. With all that torture, all that gore, all that blood, all that tears around me.

I've only come to realise that it's all mine. That endless mire of frustration and exhaustion is mine.
The tears are mine.
The blood is mine.
The screams,
the groans,
the moans,
the cries,
the gritting of teeth.
They all belong to me.
The stench of death is the stench of my death.
The pain is mine.
The long road is mine.
It's all mine.

He may have taken me to the precipice, he may have pushed me off it. But I didn't climb. It took me so long to realise that all the horrors of that valley belonged to me. Yet I stupidly trudged on, on my knees, hoping to find light at the end of that darkness.

Who was I to call him stupid? I was even more so. How much better am I, when I did the exact same thing he is doing, just because he took me along?

I could've climbed. But I chose to stay. And walk on my knees. Maybe I thought he needed someone to walk with him. Maybe I thought he'd be sad and lonely. Maybe I thought he'd walk with me. But he'd all but disappeared. He had always been walking with someone else, and that someone else is the one he chooses to walk with, while I had to walk the route alone.

Yes, I am disappointed in him. But that is nothing compared to the disappointment I feel in myself.

He is a fool, yes. But I am a bigger one.

And to hear both being shouted over the tops of the mountains by trusted friends was enough to set things in motion for me.

I shall not live in the darkness of my blindness any longer. Not when there's surgery available.

If he still chooses to traverse that darkness, so be it. I can't change a stupidly arrogant and stubborn boy-man, who refuses to listen. I won't even try.

If he wants to waste his time, he can. But I refuse to let him waste mine anymore.

The route has been cut through the valley. There's now a path of escape. The price to pay, like everything in life, is to cut off the shackles binding my hands and feet. That I must do myself. And the climbing, I have to do on my own.

He could come with me. I have shown him what the valley was, and the path to freedom.

But I can't cut his shackles, and I can't do his climbing for him. That he must do on his own.

All children learnt to crawl and walk on their own. All children stumble and fall. All children were taught and encouraged to walk properly, but they have to do the walking and stumbling and getting up again on their own.

Someone commented we looked almost alike. That we looked good together. Like a pair. Like we have an amazingly strong bond, a chemistry. After seeing us only once. For a few hours. When we barely spoke to each other. Maybe. Maybe we have a bond, a chemistry. Complicity. Maybe we look good together. Like each other.

Well, so what? Yes, chemistry and bond is important, but there's only so much that can do.

For instance, take ballroom dancers. A perfectly matched ballroom-dancing couple can make the art look so effortless, so easy, so heartbreakingly beautiful. It's like they move as one, although they're separate entities. Like they were born to it.

But no matter how perfectly matched they are, and how wonderful they look together, it counts for nothing if one partner refuses to dance.

Bond, or no bond, chemistry or no chemistry, glorious perfection or not, it amounts to nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I'd do better to dance with someone else.

Funny how the only thing he could say in response, after the stunned silence all around when another party clarified the situation, was: 'No, I don't have that many pimples.'

For an articulate, wordy, sarcastic girl, after the first initial bombshell, this hurtful rudeness left me speechless. But perhaps my silence was more than enough to make a statement. Even his friend said: 'That wasn't a nice thing to say.'

No. It wasn't. He isn't nice. He may like to think he is, but he isn't.

If I were to count his sins, big and small, against me, it would take an entire lifetime of utter devotion to make it up to me, and then some.

Barring his parents, he probably owes me more than he owes anyone else in his life. To be used as a tool and then discarded isn't a nice feeling at all.

He isn't nice. Not at all. And I was stupid.

He can stay and rot with the perpetrator of all his nastiness and negativity, since that's what he wishes. The longer he stays, the worse he'll become, but that could no longer be my concern.

He probably doesn't realise that nastiness eats at the soul. He's becoming soul-less. I could not believe he said what he did, so swiftly, so humiliatingly, so publicly. The longer he stays there, the worse he's become. It's like the men of Pirates' Davy Jones' Flying Dutchman.

Part of the ship, one with the ship. Ugly, misshapen, horrendous to look at. He's turning into that. Part of the nastiness. One with the nastiness.

He's nasty. He wasn't in the past, when I knew him first, but he is now. And which matters more, really? The past, or the present? We can't change our past. But it's our present that shapes the future. So many people forget that.

If he so chooses, I'd take his hand, and we'd make that climb together. But I won't wait for him. With or without him, I'm making that climb out of this hellhole. The love and support of my friends awaits me. Happiness and brightness awaits me. Laughter and peace awaits me. After all that personal suffering that I bore so long on my own, I deserve to bask in the light of the honest and the true. And the genuine and the caring.

Unlike Bond, I get only one shot at life. Now that I have to work late nights in KL City Centre itself, I might get viciously raped and brutally murdered walking home tomorrow. I'd never know. He's wasted enough of my time. He's plunged me, unwary, without warning, into abyssmal darkness. His abyss. His darkness. The blackness of his increasingly soul-less spirit. And he made it mine.

Now that I've found a way out, he can come with me, and I'd take his hand, if he so chooses. Only if he wants to. But I won't wait. With, or without him, I'm making that climb.

the call of Nemesis

this is who Nemesis is, for those who don't know, or don't bother to find out:

Nemesis (in Greek, Νέμεσις), also called Rhamnousia/Rhamnusia ("the goddess of Rhamnous"), at her sanctuary at Rhamnous, north of Marathon, in the Greek mythology was the spirit of divine retribution against those who succumb to hubris, vengeful fate personified as a remorseless goddess. The name Nemesis is related to the Greek word νείμειν, meaning "to give what is due". The Romans equated one aspect of Greek Nemesis, which might be interpreted as "indignation at unmerited advantage", as Invidia (Aronoff 2003)

i don't call myself Nemesis for nothing. when i've made up my mind that enough is enough. when i've lost enough sleep over something. when i've been pushed to my limit. i am Nemesis. and i don't take no shit from no mortal man.

***
last friday someone pissed me off so much, my entire face went scarlet. and when i went off for dinner, and went to the ladies', i noticed little red spots all over my chest, and upper arms, right down to my bosom.

it looked like i had an allergy reaction to alcohol. except i hadn't started drinking yet.

yes, i got so angry, that i burst my capillaries.

that's when i thought: Enough. Enough is enough. I don't need this. From anyone.

***
i had a difficult childhood. i was emotionally and socially blackmailed and bullied as a child. it taught me 3 important lessons:

a) how to phase out.

b) how to be utterly shameless, and to not bother about the general public's opinions of me.

c) how to take full control of my own life.

these are lessons i learned young. it was so difficult, as i was so young, but it has served me well.

now i'm using it. because i have to.

***
on sunday, i found out something about someone i cared for that was totally unexpected, and that put me out of my misery of several months. it helped me reach my decision, immediately. swift as the blow of the guillotine. a decision i've been getting sick, and losing sleep over. a decision i had taken months agonising about.

do i want to lose a friend?

but now, the question is: was this person a friend to me?

no one runs circles around a goddess using a mediocre mortal. s/he better at least be hercules, or in hercules' league (a demi-god)

stupid, stupid jackass.

***
the wheels are in motion. the time is ripe to give what is due. retribution is in order.

the table is set for one last negotiation. it's time to make an offer.

if things don't work out, the blade would strike.

no one has the right to be selfish to such an extent. no one can be allowed to have such an unmerited advantage over everyone else.

***
if you've made your own bed, learn to sleep in it.

both of you.

the doormat is metamorphing into the goddess of retribution.

STUPID BITCH

continued from the morning:

When?
Time: approx. 1400 hours.

Where?
On a busy one way street in Brickfields area.

Who?
INDIAN lady.

What?
CLEVER woman decided to drive AGAINST TRAFFIC, AT PEAK HOURS, on a ONE-WAY STREET while it was DAMN BUSY.

Reason given? My house is just there.

LADY: FUCK YYYYEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW.....

I dont fucking care if your sugar daddy is Semi-Value. It's not your fucking street. We taxpayers pay road tax too, y'know. It's a one-way street. It's peak hours. There is no justification for you to disregard everyone else for your selfish concerns. If it's 11pm or something, and there are no cars around, maybe lah. But C'MON! It's a working day, n it's a busy street. And it's peak hours to boot!!

PKM KNN LLB CCB PBK!!!!!!!

BITCH.

What Oprah Said About Men

This was forwarded to me. Wonder what any one of you would say about this.

Personally, I think it couldn't be any more true. Probably an Omen for me.

These are truths I've known all along, and mentioned several times in conversations, but sometimes I don't really listen to myself.

It's at times like these, when I let my guard down, that I always get in trouble.

This is a sharing session. I don't share with strangers in a church cell-group, it makes me uncomfortable to open up when I don't want to, and expressions always betray me. But here, here is my space, and here I want to share a little about how this concerns me.

If my sharing makes you uncomfortable, turn your eyes away now. Forewarned is forearmed.

**
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

(1, 2, 3. I've mentioned this to both men and women, and it's sad to note that it's always so true. This I've said to more than one man, of my own accord, more than once, when I was asked why I won't fight for them. You see, I believe decisions have to be made on your own. Fighting just panders to a man's impossible ego. Walking away is always classier. And a man who would allow himself to be won by a woman who bitches about and disses another woman just so she can get her man is not worthy of my affection.)

Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.

(Yes. I shall stop. He cheats, he lies, he doesn't keep his promises. He doesn't want to be accountable or to take responsibility. He doesn't want to grow up. He doesn't want to learn. Or to change. It's his problem, not mine. Who cares if his women cheated on him? Who cares if she bores him? Who cares if they're not compatible? Who cares if sisters and brothers and mothers like her, although they don't suit each other? Who cares if his woman lets him step all over her? He could always change. He could always put a stop to it all. He has a choice. He made his bed. He sleep in it. Why must I allow myself to be dragged along? Yes, he is miserable. Yes, he is upset. But he doesn't want to change. There are no excuses for wallowing in self-misery, and burying himself in the quick-sand of uselessness. His life. His shit. Not mine.)

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

(Thank you. I am, who I am. Take me as I am, or not at all. Now I'd sooner go for sperm donation than allow idiocy near me again.)

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

(Mother's wise words. Oh, how could I forget?)

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
(Again, 1, 2, 3. How many times must I go through this before I realise it for what it is? No more. It's too painful. I have self-respect. Until he respects me and tells me what he wants from me, he isn't a friend. I shouldn't not allow myself the justification of telling him he's crap. Which he is. He's no friend. Friends don't make use of each other. Friends are there for each other through thick and thin. Friends protect and nurture each other. Friends listen to what each other has to say, and change for the better.)

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
(They all did. I was young, and stupid. I sure hope I'm smarter now.)

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
(That's true. 4 years of wasted time. Being in Moronia. Somebody's 2 years plus of whiny self-pity. Where did it take either of us? Stuck in a rut, is where. Basta! I stop. It isn't going to get better if neither party makes an effort. Or if either one is too different from each other. Or if Trust, Respect OR Communication is already out the window. Pointless to force myself to pretend to be happy when I'm really not.)

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
(If I am ever this stupid, somebody slap me. HARD. On both cheeks. The dude who thinks/ thought I'd do this really didn't take the time to know me well enough. So Fuck you.)

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

(Told this to some girlfriends once. They thought I was cold. But I guess I was just never a child. And I never trusted men enough. Or I just liked my own space way too much to give it up. Freedom is important to me. Besides, if both partners mix in the same group, when a split happens, friends are forced to take sides. I'd be miserable if my ONLY friends are also his friends and my friends either feel bad about taking my side, or are no longer on my side. We all need friends. It's important to have mutual and separate friends. We're individuals sharing lives. Not barnacles. But this had always been what I felt. I was never young.)

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
(Oh how they hate me for this. How I intimidate them, frighten them off. I don't care. I don't want men with dysfunctional gonads anyway.)

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
(True, thank God he doesn't know everything. None of them do. Even some of my best girlfriends do not know everything.)

You cannot change a man's behaviour.
Change comes from within.
(Therefore, no point trying to change a man if he doesn't want to change himself. It's true for everyone. If he changes for you, it'd be short term. It's like giving a man a fish. He eats for but a meal. If he changes for himself, it'd be for a lifetime. He'd have learnt how to fish. And he can fish for his meal until the day he dies.)

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
(I never did. I hope to God, I never will. I don't want to lose the sense of who I am. My independence, my self-assurance.)

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
(Yes, so many of them. So I stop. No more. I don't want to do a Loser. Call a Dog, a Dog, and a Cat, a Cat. Call a Loser, a Loser. A Cheat, a Cheat. A Liar, a Liar. A Bastard, a Bastard. I shall stop side-stepping the issue and call it as it is. And I shall be accountable for my own sins.)

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
(So I gotta make sure I treat myself right, first of all.)

All men are NOT dogs.
(No, though there are plenty of them around, they can cloud your judgment.)

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships. ..there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
(Tough lesson learned. And yet so many refuse to see.)

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals.
Look for someone complementary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
(Yes it is :))

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
(Men take many things for granted. All the time.)

Never move into his mother's house.
(NO. How'd he like moving into mine? Another way to get him to take you for granted.)

Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
(That means a lot of attention, a lot of love and devotion, lots of kisses and cuddles, bedtime aerobics to burn off the calories he fed u, no irresponsible cowardice, and a diamond ring and his mother's blessings for good measure. But remember, it's him you're marrying, not his mother. You don't have to like her to be civil to her.)

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
(Because, trust me, that's EXACTLY what he's doing to you.)

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make
someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
**

That's what I've to say. Guess I was never young. It's been said that all women are born with a hundred years' worth of collective feminine wisdom on them. Sometimes, I wonder if I was born with 150. It's both a blessing and a curse.

Endorsement

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the fever

the fever

been sick these past few days.

woke up last night sweating, in a feverish stupor. disoriented. with a hollow feeling in my chest.

i should have gotten over him by now. why the dreams now? i thought i had put him out of my mind.

and i think i have a certain amount of success with that. conscious, contrived effort to push memories out.

there are things i've forgotten. things i used to remember without much effort which i've now forgotten.

maybe it's working...

then why? so many months, with some success, and suddenly a relapse. it's such a blow.

it's a sucker punch to my gut.

it makes me wonder whether i could look at him if i meet him somewhere by chance someday.

not yet. i don't think i could, as yet.

i hope he never finds out what he did to me. what he still does.

i don't want him to ever know.

let him always think of me as cold and sharp.

better that than this. this humiliates me.

it cuts too deep. it still cuts too deep.

High-risk females

High risk females

I find the political reaction to this issue amazing. Really, you know, if you don't want to hear the answers, then don't ask the question.

What did the Selangor government expect, asking for a report on sexual prevalence among high-risk female secondary school students?

What about MALE secondary school students, then? Why the sexism? But I digress.

Instead of trying to find focussed, effective, positive measures to handle/ rectify such moral decadence, they are arguing about the methodology of the survey, it's limitations, or whether it is a measure of the cross-section of Malaysian youths.

What does Nemesis say?
What a bloody waste of time.

Don't do a survey if you don't like the possible outcome.

Really now. I think Malaysian holier-than-thou attitude is causing our country to regress rather than progress. A far more shocking survey was recently conducted in Britain, the results of which shows that Briton youths have sex without much knowledge of the consequences of sex. And it's not private knowledge that Britons have sex young.

No, I am not advocating having sex at a young age, I am saying that such surveys are meant to be taken more positively. It goes to show that you can't repress either information, technology or biology.

Did Malaysia really think that our youths are purer than snow? When I was a teacher in an all-girls' school, I have had a 14-year-old student who had had an abortion 3 times. Her boyfriend was much older, and obviously both were very horny. That was in 2001. We turn a blind eye to adolescent deliquency, and especially sexual and reproductive health issues. We pretend it's not happening in this country. We hush any report, or any forum on such issues, taking a ridiculous religious bent.

Oh My God... see where it's taking us? Our youths have no idea how ot deal with sexual emotions in a mature and positive way. Women, naturally being viewed in a more negative light in this country, become victims of passion. Their own, as well as that of men.

Yes, religion has plenty to say about sex. But sexual education is equally important in a world where biology meets religion and career development. Women are getting married later, having babies even later, but having sex earlier. And why not? What with rising toll and petrol prices, and the inflation that ensues such hikes, babies are expensive to bring up.

How 2 people want to live their lives is really up to them. What I want to say is: Allow our youths the benefit of the doubt that they have enough Intelligence to make INFORMED decisions. Give them the facts. Give them the moral bent, the pros and cons of carnal pleasures, the ways to protect themselves. Malaysian youths might surprise you yet.

I had a doctor who told me: I have 3 sons. I tell them about sex from an early age. But I also tell them, "That's someone's daughter you're playing around with. Make sure both of you know what you're doing. And I'd rather you do things at home, than in some obscure place where you might get robbed and murdered. God gave you a brain. Use it." So far, my sons have yet to disappoint me.

THAT is precisely what I meant.

Isn't that so much better than moral policing and constantly spying on fellow Malaysians for the unholy glee of catching them doing something wrong?

Grow up. There's a lot of ugliness out there. How you handle them is what makes it beautiful.