the call of Nemesis

this is who Nemesis is, for those who don't know, or don't bother to find out:

Nemesis (in Greek, Νέμεσις), also called Rhamnousia/Rhamnusia ("the goddess of Rhamnous"), at her sanctuary at Rhamnous, north of Marathon, in the Greek mythology was the spirit of divine retribution against those who succumb to hubris, vengeful fate personified as a remorseless goddess. The name Nemesis is related to the Greek word νείμειν, meaning "to give what is due". The Romans equated one aspect of Greek Nemesis, which might be interpreted as "indignation at unmerited advantage", as Invidia (Aronoff 2003)

i don't call myself Nemesis for nothing. when i've made up my mind that enough is enough. when i've lost enough sleep over something. when i've been pushed to my limit. i am Nemesis. and i don't take no shit from no mortal man.

***
last friday someone pissed me off so much, my entire face went scarlet. and when i went off for dinner, and went to the ladies', i noticed little red spots all over my chest, and upper arms, right down to my bosom.

it looked like i had an allergy reaction to alcohol. except i hadn't started drinking yet.

yes, i got so angry, that i burst my capillaries.

that's when i thought: Enough. Enough is enough. I don't need this. From anyone.

***
i had a difficult childhood. i was emotionally and socially blackmailed and bullied as a child. it taught me 3 important lessons:

a) how to phase out.

b) how to be utterly shameless, and to not bother about the general public's opinions of me.

c) how to take full control of my own life.

these are lessons i learned young. it was so difficult, as i was so young, but it has served me well.

now i'm using it. because i have to.

***
on sunday, i found out something about someone i cared for that was totally unexpected, and that put me out of my misery of several months. it helped me reach my decision, immediately. swift as the blow of the guillotine. a decision i've been getting sick, and losing sleep over. a decision i had taken months agonising about.

do i want to lose a friend?

but now, the question is: was this person a friend to me?

no one runs circles around a goddess using a mediocre mortal. s/he better at least be hercules, or in hercules' league (a demi-god)

stupid, stupid jackass.

***
the wheels are in motion. the time is ripe to give what is due. retribution is in order.

the table is set for one last negotiation. it's time to make an offer.

if things don't work out, the blade would strike.

no one has the right to be selfish to such an extent. no one can be allowed to have such an unmerited advantage over everyone else.

***
if you've made your own bed, learn to sleep in it.

both of you.

the doormat is metamorphing into the goddess of retribution.

The Icarus Project

i'm sorry.

i know you've seen me put myself on self-destruct for years now.

i know you know more secrets about me than almost anyone else.

you know i know you're the only one i trust almost fully.

i know it pains you to watch me put myself through the silly roundabout shit that i put myself through.

it deprives you of your sleep. it makes you weary listening to me.

i know you feel like slapping me and giving me a good round of kicking in my ass for not listening to all your advice.

i know you think i'm an idiot for going out with the guys that i have. to quote you: they've all been shit.

i don't know how you knew about the latest, but you seemed to know.

you always seem to know the right things to say. at all the right times.

and for all the times you've stood by me, and advised me, and listened to me, thank you very much.

know that i've tried. know that i'm trying still. harder than you can ever know. know that i'm forever grateful.

you say i deserve better than i've got. that i'm one of those who needs love more than sex. that i should stop giving in to men who don't care. who aren't worth my time, and care and attention, and devotion.

that my self-discovery doesn't have to be in shit.

that fatalism isn't attractive on me.

that i shouldn't wallow in the mud of the plebs when i'm patrician.

that no one else matters but me. nobody. none of their opinions.

that it's true we may all live together but ultimately we die alone.

that shit isn't for me. the sun is.

i know not what to say. know that i appreciate your vote of confidence always. that i may not tell you often enough, but i do. thank you for thinking i'm beautiful, and worth the sun.

call me icarus from today henceforth then.

i'm aiming for the sun that's rightfully mine.

if i fall, i can at least say that i've come close to greatness.