Vicissitudes

I know the only constant in life is change.... yet if I have not convictions, or principles, I am nothing.

At least, sir, even if we come from opposing viewpoints, you, as a man of convictions and principles, should be able to understand that, or understand that that is common ground between us.

3 random things...

3 random things of the day...

1) i find i've started blogging again.... hmm... it's like a drug... i can't stop :P but i wonder... does this also mean i'm ok now? :) i kinda stopped blogging cos well, some things are just too painful to be put into words. at least, not then. but i think i should archive it here. so that 10 years from now, i can look back, see what went on in my schizo head, and laugh at myself for being so unbearably stupid. :D rebounds are no good. no good at all. :)

2) my pineapple tarts are here!! yummy!!! time to collect from crazywoman :) but gotta pay up, too. with that creature (:P) nothing is free. but ahh.. i never expect things to be anyway. :D

3) you ask me if/when you can have me. honestly, you'll never have me. just the parts of me that i'm able to share with you. :) maybe you've been going about things all wrong then? complete possession is never the answer. yeah. i speak from experience. shadows from my past that could possibly rival yours. shadows very few people know of. and which took me almost 2 years to finally open up to someone about. and only because that someone was leaving :P and then things got easier. shadows that still haunt me to this day. because he still calls. and still texts. but i would never pick up anymore. because he doesn't exist. not to me. yes i can be cold. so cold it burns. like liquid nitrogen. are you sure you know what you're doing?

the call of Nemesis

this is who Nemesis is, for those who don't know, or don't bother to find out:

Nemesis (in Greek, Νέμεσις), also called Rhamnousia/Rhamnusia ("the goddess of Rhamnous"), at her sanctuary at Rhamnous, north of Marathon, in the Greek mythology was the spirit of divine retribution against those who succumb to hubris, vengeful fate personified as a remorseless goddess. The name Nemesis is related to the Greek word νείμειν, meaning "to give what is due". The Romans equated one aspect of Greek Nemesis, which might be interpreted as "indignation at unmerited advantage", as Invidia (Aronoff 2003)

i don't call myself Nemesis for nothing. when i've made up my mind that enough is enough. when i've lost enough sleep over something. when i've been pushed to my limit. i am Nemesis. and i don't take no shit from no mortal man.

***
last friday someone pissed me off so much, my entire face went scarlet. and when i went off for dinner, and went to the ladies', i noticed little red spots all over my chest, and upper arms, right down to my bosom.

it looked like i had an allergy reaction to alcohol. except i hadn't started drinking yet.

yes, i got so angry, that i burst my capillaries.

that's when i thought: Enough. Enough is enough. I don't need this. From anyone.

***
i had a difficult childhood. i was emotionally and socially blackmailed and bullied as a child. it taught me 3 important lessons:

a) how to phase out.

b) how to be utterly shameless, and to not bother about the general public's opinions of me.

c) how to take full control of my own life.

these are lessons i learned young. it was so difficult, as i was so young, but it has served me well.

now i'm using it. because i have to.

***
on sunday, i found out something about someone i cared for that was totally unexpected, and that put me out of my misery of several months. it helped me reach my decision, immediately. swift as the blow of the guillotine. a decision i've been getting sick, and losing sleep over. a decision i had taken months agonising about.

do i want to lose a friend?

but now, the question is: was this person a friend to me?

no one runs circles around a goddess using a mediocre mortal. s/he better at least be hercules, or in hercules' league (a demi-god)

stupid, stupid jackass.

***
the wheels are in motion. the time is ripe to give what is due. retribution is in order.

the table is set for one last negotiation. it's time to make an offer.

if things don't work out, the blade would strike.

no one has the right to be selfish to such an extent. no one can be allowed to have such an unmerited advantage over everyone else.

***
if you've made your own bed, learn to sleep in it.

both of you.

the doormat is metamorphing into the goddess of retribution.

I'll remember

The brain is insidious in how it works.

Memories. The more you try to forget, the more you forget. Everything. Even the things you never wanted to.

So I've stopped. I'll remember. I'll remember everything.

The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. If it makes me cry, so be it. Tears are the safety valves of the heart, anyway.

I'll accept it as it is. I've already learnt to let go.

But I can't stop my mind from remembering. I owe this to me. To feel. To learn. Also to let go slowly. In my own time.

I've grown. Just as I've grown to love you. It's different from falling in love. Loving someone and being in love with someone is poles apart from one another. Someday, if I'm lucky, I'd have both. But now, now's not it.

I know full well the differences between them. Perhaps it's because I've always perceived love with my head rather than my heart. One's accepting. The other is blind.

I know you. I understand you. Not enough, but I try to. No one person can understand another completely. You think I don't accept you, but I do.

I know all your faults. I'm not blind to them. How you could be self-centered. Selfish. Critical. Judgmental. Blatantly cruel. How you could disregard others' feelings to guard your own.

But I know your strengths too. There are times you're so sweet. The simple gestures. The kind touch. I remember those too. How you listen, and listen well. How you watch to try to gauge my moods. How you're sensitive. How you're helpful. Never think I forget. I remember.

And it's painful, either way.

It's you I've grown to love. Your faults and your strengths. It makes you, you. And I wouldn't change how you are or who you are. No one's perfect after all.

But I'm also a woman. And after all that has happened, I know it's impossible to change a situation that seems futile. It takes two to tango. There's only so much a girl can do.

Just because I've grown to love you, just because you get under my skin, doesn't mean you feel the same way for me. And I know this, just as surely as I know the sky is blue on a bright, sunny day.

There's nothing I can do. That's why I chose to let you go. There's no point in grasping at straws. A man's a man after all. A man that doesn't want to stay never will. And what we're doing is dangerous. It's risky business. That's not a risk I want to take. Not anymore.

Is that why lately I've been thinking of you in the past tense?

I can't change your past. I can't promise you the future, either. That would be a promise I can't keep. And I don't make those. What I can give you is the here and now. It's called the Present for a reason. But whether or not you accept my gift and make the most of it is up to you.

I can take the horse to water, but I can't force the horse to drink.

I no longer want to know what it is you want from me. For me now, any answer you give me now no longer matters. It's irrelevant now.

I hope and expect nothing from you now.

Except, perhaps, that you grow up someone you yourself can be proud of. That you take pride in yourself and in what you do. That you see the world around you, and know that you have within yourself, the control and the power to change your own situation, and the situation of those around you.

Not the world, not even the richest, or most powerful men in the world could do that, but your own little community. Your friends, your family, your colleagues, maybe, to start with.

That it's ok to be frightened. It's not fear the holds us back, but the fear to be frightened. The fear to feel.

It's also ok to fail. Failure never brought anyone down. It's not picking yourself up again that's a mistake. We learnt to walk, as children, by falling down over and over again. It's the same as adults.

It's also ok to be sad. If we never experience bitterness, how would we know the taste of sweetness when it comes to us?

You're, perhaps, on the threshold of manhood. Not a boy, not yet a man. What holds you back from taking full control of your life? From taking that final step into manhood? From grasping fully the power that manhood can bring you? Added responsiblity? Responsibility comes to you, whether you choose it or not. Refusing it only bungles up your life even more.

After all, who doesn't know the famous quote on power and responsility?
"With great power, comes great responsibility."

You'll realise how true it is in due time. Just as you'll realise how avoiding that responsibility, and hence, that power does nobody much good.

You say you want me to be happy. You want to make me happy. Yes, I'm happy when I'm with you, but my world would not crumble without you in it.

You can't give me what I want. Or maybe you don't want to. And that's ok, too. I have no intention to make you do what you don't want to do.

Maybe you don't know either, and can't be bothered to ask.

You think yourself beneath me. You think I think you beneath me. You've no idea how much that hurt. I view no man as above me. There are plenty beneath me, but there are some I view as equal. You're one of those. It had never crossed my mind to think of you as beneath me. If I thought of you that way, why would I choose to waste my time and affections on someone beneath me?

You probably never realised how much you've hurt my feelings.

I'm not sure I trust you fully any longer. Things have changed. It's pointless to pretend that it hasn't. In fact, things have been slowly changing for awhile, now. Choosing not to see it, and pretending it hasn't been happening is probably what drove a wedge between us.

I don't want that anymore. You're free to go. Whenever you want. Only one thing I ask of you. To let me know when you want to move on. To let me know to my face. To not taper off slowly, pretending you're too busy, and ultimately no longer see each other that way.

At least have the courtesy to let me know to my face, like a man to a woman, that you want to go. And likewise, I'd afford you the same courtesy, like a woman to a man, to go without a fuss.

My world wouldn't crumble without you in it. But your presence did make a difference. I was happy. But as we all know, happiness doesn't last forever.

You. I wouldn't change you. I wouldn't change this. But it's got to end sometime. Better now than later.

And I hope you're happy. I hope you'll be happy enough times in your life to enjoy it fully. Even if we become strangers. Even if we don't speak to each other anymore. I'll always hope you have the best things life has to offer. Good health, a satisfying job, the love of a lifetime, and a family of your own. Such things fills you, stretches you. Gives you opportunities for growth as a person. I will always wish you well.

For what it's worth, even if we become strangers, I'm glad you were part of me. My life.

No matter how brief. No matter how unsettling. No matter the outcome, whatever it may be.

I wouldn't change anything. Wouldn't wish to erase it anymore. I'll remember.

What Oprah Said About Men

This was forwarded to me. Wonder what any one of you would say about this.

Personally, I think it couldn't be any more true. Probably an Omen for me.

These are truths I've known all along, and mentioned several times in conversations, but sometimes I don't really listen to myself.

It's at times like these, when I let my guard down, that I always get in trouble.

This is a sharing session. I don't share with strangers in a church cell-group, it makes me uncomfortable to open up when I don't want to, and expressions always betray me. But here, here is my space, and here I want to share a little about how this concerns me.

If my sharing makes you uncomfortable, turn your eyes away now. Forewarned is forearmed.

**
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

(1, 2, 3. I've mentioned this to both men and women, and it's sad to note that it's always so true. This I've said to more than one man, of my own accord, more than once, when I was asked why I won't fight for them. You see, I believe decisions have to be made on your own. Fighting just panders to a man's impossible ego. Walking away is always classier. And a man who would allow himself to be won by a woman who bitches about and disses another woman just so she can get her man is not worthy of my affection.)

Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.

(Yes. I shall stop. He cheats, he lies, he doesn't keep his promises. He doesn't want to be accountable or to take responsibility. He doesn't want to grow up. He doesn't want to learn. Or to change. It's his problem, not mine. Who cares if his women cheated on him? Who cares if she bores him? Who cares if they're not compatible? Who cares if sisters and brothers and mothers like her, although they don't suit each other? Who cares if his woman lets him step all over her? He could always change. He could always put a stop to it all. He has a choice. He made his bed. He sleep in it. Why must I allow myself to be dragged along? Yes, he is miserable. Yes, he is upset. But he doesn't want to change. There are no excuses for wallowing in self-misery, and burying himself in the quick-sand of uselessness. His life. His shit. Not mine.)

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

(Thank you. I am, who I am. Take me as I am, or not at all. Now I'd sooner go for sperm donation than allow idiocy near me again.)

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

(Mother's wise words. Oh, how could I forget?)

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
(Again, 1, 2, 3. How many times must I go through this before I realise it for what it is? No more. It's too painful. I have self-respect. Until he respects me and tells me what he wants from me, he isn't a friend. I shouldn't not allow myself the justification of telling him he's crap. Which he is. He's no friend. Friends don't make use of each other. Friends are there for each other through thick and thin. Friends protect and nurture each other. Friends listen to what each other has to say, and change for the better.)

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
(They all did. I was young, and stupid. I sure hope I'm smarter now.)

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
(That's true. 4 years of wasted time. Being in Moronia. Somebody's 2 years plus of whiny self-pity. Where did it take either of us? Stuck in a rut, is where. Basta! I stop. It isn't going to get better if neither party makes an effort. Or if either one is too different from each other. Or if Trust, Respect OR Communication is already out the window. Pointless to force myself to pretend to be happy when I'm really not.)

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
(If I am ever this stupid, somebody slap me. HARD. On both cheeks. The dude who thinks/ thought I'd do this really didn't take the time to know me well enough. So Fuck you.)

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

(Told this to some girlfriends once. They thought I was cold. But I guess I was just never a child. And I never trusted men enough. Or I just liked my own space way too much to give it up. Freedom is important to me. Besides, if both partners mix in the same group, when a split happens, friends are forced to take sides. I'd be miserable if my ONLY friends are also his friends and my friends either feel bad about taking my side, or are no longer on my side. We all need friends. It's important to have mutual and separate friends. We're individuals sharing lives. Not barnacles. But this had always been what I felt. I was never young.)

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
(Oh how they hate me for this. How I intimidate them, frighten them off. I don't care. I don't want men with dysfunctional gonads anyway.)

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
(True, thank God he doesn't know everything. None of them do. Even some of my best girlfriends do not know everything.)

You cannot change a man's behaviour.
Change comes from within.
(Therefore, no point trying to change a man if he doesn't want to change himself. It's true for everyone. If he changes for you, it'd be short term. It's like giving a man a fish. He eats for but a meal. If he changes for himself, it'd be for a lifetime. He'd have learnt how to fish. And he can fish for his meal until the day he dies.)

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
(I never did. I hope to God, I never will. I don't want to lose the sense of who I am. My independence, my self-assurance.)

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
(Yes, so many of them. So I stop. No more. I don't want to do a Loser. Call a Dog, a Dog, and a Cat, a Cat. Call a Loser, a Loser. A Cheat, a Cheat. A Liar, a Liar. A Bastard, a Bastard. I shall stop side-stepping the issue and call it as it is. And I shall be accountable for my own sins.)

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
(So I gotta make sure I treat myself right, first of all.)

All men are NOT dogs.
(No, though there are plenty of them around, they can cloud your judgment.)

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships. ..there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
(Tough lesson learned. And yet so many refuse to see.)

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals.
Look for someone complementary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
(Yes it is :))

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
(Men take many things for granted. All the time.)

Never move into his mother's house.
(NO. How'd he like moving into mine? Another way to get him to take you for granted.)

Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
(That means a lot of attention, a lot of love and devotion, lots of kisses and cuddles, bedtime aerobics to burn off the calories he fed u, no irresponsible cowardice, and a diamond ring and his mother's blessings for good measure. But remember, it's him you're marrying, not his mother. You don't have to like her to be civil to her.)

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
(Because, trust me, that's EXACTLY what he's doing to you.)

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make
someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
**

That's what I've to say. Guess I was never young. It's been said that all women are born with a hundred years' worth of collective feminine wisdom on them. Sometimes, I wonder if I was born with 150. It's both a blessing and a curse.

a page out of Bren's book

gonna do what Bren did, cos i feel i have to blog, but i don't really feel like i want to :P

so here are my answers to the latest comments on 'so i guess this is goodbye':

marg:
i'm ok :) thank u. it isn't the end of the world, or even my world.

psycho:
i dont want to talk about it. it's done. it's over. pointless talking about spilt milk now.

:( u think i like twisting guys' balls? it's just that i don't believe any one person should be allowed to behave like an ass and get away with it. i've removed all ties with a girl, too. u know very well who it is. she was an ass.

ppl like that need to be reminded that the world doesn't revolve around them, and their miserly little problems.

that ppl are dying from civil warfare, or even starvation/ natural disasters.

that in the bigger scheme of things, we are all threads in a tapestry, and it's what we do collectively that makes a difference.

that in a single twist of irony, we're, all of us, both something, and nothing.

one person can cause a wave, that stirs the rest of the population to make more waves, and if we work in harmony, it can cause a tsunami. know what i mean?

and yet one wave isn't enough to cause a tsunami, because we aren't all that significant. alone. except to people we've touched with our lives. as in, the water molecule next to a water molecule vibrating to form a wave can definitely feel it, no? but then again, u won't be alone, if u've touched lives, right?

my point precisely.

u catch my drift?