strange happenings and appetite

what do i want to say here today?

lots apparently, except there's just too much to pen down.

it's been terribly busy at work, and things seem to be falling apart at the seams.

saturday night/ sunday morning was just downright freaky. and the terror seemed so palpably real. feeling like i got paralysed from the waist down on sunday afternoon felt all the more frightening.

i'm left wondering: what the hell is going on? and i have absolutely no answers.

thank god for the moments in between of meeting up with some friends to cheer me up.

at least the wedding was fun. and it was good to see hilarious self-deprecating penangites again. that kinda humour is rather rare in this big bad city. the longer one stays here, it seems the crueler one's sense of humour... or one loses it altogether. being down to earth is part art and part science, apparently.

he dropped me a bomb too. apparently i'm supposed to cook come october. yes, anyone of u who reads this and knows who i'm talking about, feel free to abuse him if you see him. :P i'm panicking here!!!!! i haven't cooked properly in at least 2 years, since the older brother left for penang. and that dish is freaking tedious! gah!

over the past one week, i've been told i inhaled my food three times. and i was introduced to new people three times by the title i believe i'm gonna be stuck with for a long long time. comments made over the week over my appetite:

Sunday, after church, to a friend's niece's newest toyboy:
she vacuums her food up... watch her go.. go... goooo!!!!
Reaction of poor fella: *inches away slowly from me*

*sniffs... i ho hurts ar!*

Tuesday, after trekking up to an area i detest to help a friend haggle over prices cos she can't bloody bargain even if her life depended on it, and she was inclined to buy me dinner as a result... trust me, the foochow side of her was definitely cringing in pure horror just to make that offer.

Over dinner, after i begged to order the large plate cos i was so darn hungry, and i've gone through more than half of it, while she barely reached one-third of hers:
did you just fucking inhale your food?! *very loudly*

my reaction: O.O I'm HUNGRYYYY!!!!

Thursday, when the pipe-cleaner-soap-picker came back from some godforsaken corner of the universe and asked us out for yumchar... and i ordered a plate of nasi lemak cos it was 9pm and i haven't had dinner:
wahhhhh!!!!! you breathe in your food ar!!!!
in front of complete strangers to boot.... after making certain 18SX comments about what transpired when they picked me up.

my reaction: O.O I'm HUNGRRRRYYYYYY!!!!! NO, you're NOT touching my ikan bilis!!!! RAWR!!! (:P) and shut up already! i don't know these ppl!!!!

*sniffs* who needs enemies with friends like these?

Sunday, after meeting a bunch of CGL girls... for the first time, apart from long-haired Serani chick. the girls went out for a nicotine break, leaving just me, and two others at the table. the roasted chicken dish came, and it tasted bloody good... when they came back, the girl sitting next to me demanded:
did you finish the whole chicken by yourself?!

my reaction: *gulps* NO!! there! there's half a chicken there!

so you finished HALF a chicken by yourself?

my reaction: errrrr...... there's half a chicken for you stilll........

:P i think i got my appetite back..... aiyooo... c'mon.... i was on porridge and plain food for the past 3 weeks......

:D it's nice to get my appetite back.... AND FUCK YOU ALL LAAAA... SO I LOVE MY FOOD :P

Journeys and Distances

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.
~The Painted Veil~

Spent last weekend at work, before Bobots called to meet up. And it was a pleasure to talk to the girl who looks and acts like a dumb blonde bimbo but sees more than she allows you to know. It's been too long since we actually sat down and had a proper conversation about life, love, the lessons we've learned and everything in between.

It's a conclusion we've both reached individually many times in the past:

That all through life's many catastrophes there would always be a self-preservation control mechanism called 'choice'. You choose how others affect you. You choose when to hurt. How to hurt. How much to hurt. How much YOU hurt. And finally how, and when to heal.

We all have choices. It differs from person to person, and from time to time. But it's there.

All these intertwine with the many depths of emotions and feelings we experience in this lifetime.

There's only so much we can take at one particular moment. Sometimes, we manipulate ourselves to deal with what we can take at that one time.

But really, like Bobots asked that evening:

How long can you wait?
How much will you give up?

We have only this one life to live. I'm quite sure James Brown had said something to this effect. I don't want to waste my life here.

I know too much. And I'm tired. I'm jaded.

I want to be Ms BimboExtraordinaireClingyBarnacle. It takes waaayyy too much effort to be Ms FullofPersonality. Where did the latter get me? It was never appreciated much. It still isn't.

Maybe I shouldn't even hope for much. I should be going for a hefty wallet rather than a man of Quality. After all, I've been told men go for nice looks and/or a fast fuck. I should therefore take a page from their book and go for nice looks and a hefty wallet. With an AMEX BLACK.

Fair's fair in a world of deceit, superficiality and melodrama, no?

Of Balloons and Conversations

Thursday, 12.04.2007. 2300 hours.

Was at McDs with The Girl and Little Boss. Little Boss was supposed to get us McDs new Hotcakes but apparently he forgot. I wonder if it was some subversive tactics to get me to "Eat Protein! In Every Meal!" Auntie betul laaa.... :)

McDs had all these colourful balloons all over the place, and me, having a THING for balloons, told The Girl I wanted a white one. White one was really puuurrrrtttiiiiieeeee...... Little Boss heard it and said: Ask them for it la! I said I didn't want it, it was just a passing remark, plus! how was i going to carry it on the train with me? Shy-lar! He actually asked McDs staff for one. They brought him a bunch, but he asked for one, even one that wasn't blown yet. They gave him a handful of those, so he blew one up in the elevator and gave it to me.

Cute, but I thought it was a rather crazy thing to do. And very shy-lar. Oh well :)

Nice of him to do that, and I got my balloon, though it was quite embarrassing to go through all that ruckus at McDs.

**

On another note, a conversation with someone today brought home yet again the realisation that:

You gotta let go of the past, to move forward with the present into the future.

That's a problem, isn't it? How to know to draw the line, and say: Well, fuck it! This is holding me back, I have to cut this off to improve my quality of life. Funny how so many things can affect us without our realising to what extent it does. Until it's too late.

I've always been too cerebral about my emotions. I have to analyse everything. Think things through. Over and over. From as many angles as I possibly can. I've always perceived love first with my head, and then my heart: I can never fall in love with this guy. He's not right for (whatever) reasons. No. Don't get too close. Don't get swept off your feet. Never gonna happen. So don't even try. You're gonna get burnt so bad, 3rd degree burns are nothing. So don't even go there.

I rationalise everything. Why Does this happen? Why Doesn't this happen? There's a reason. Always, there's a reason. It's just whether I can fathom it. I don't know why I do it, but I do.

Have I ever fallen in love? No. Fall doesn't describe it. I can't do falling. I do it too much physically to allow it emotionally. Have I ever liked someone enough to consider allowing myself to Grow into loving him? Yes. Once. How'd I like it? Figured out after 4 years, he ain't worth jack. Move on.

What did I learn? If a guy doesn't bother explaining to you what he thinks and feels about you, don't waste your time. Go on with your life and spread your wings. Learn how to fly. Always depend on yourself. Men come. Men go. If you want to stay where you want to stay, learn to leave a mark. Your own.

If a man doesn't know how to tell you how he feels, run. Unless you want to be with a boy. If you don't, find things to do with yourself and your time. Have a life of your own. Love yourself first, because a man isn't going to do it for you if you don't do it for yourself. There's a huge difference between men and boys.

If a man isn't going to stay, he isn't going to stay. Whine, whinge, threaten suicide, get pregnant, throw a tantrum, get bipolar and manic depressive, it won't make a bloody difference. What do you want? A man who loves you wholeheartedly, for who you are, and who you can be, or a shell which is only there because you want him there? Do you want to be making love to a shadow who's there physically on your demand, but committing, repeatedly, emotional infidelity, or someone who loves you, faithfully, desperately, adoringly?

I want a man who would love me like that: faithfully, desperately, adoringly.
Any other way is no way. Because I would respond in kind. I know I could. And I know I would.

Take me as I am, or not at all.

So I didn't make him stay.
I walked away.

If his heart wasn't in me, I didn't want him faking something that isn't real.

No regrets except one.

The friendship died with it. I could no longer even trust him as a friend. It was pointless.

But I no longer had a nagging doubt, a burden.

It was a major relief.

I just wonder why, history keeps repeating itself.

How many trials by fire must I go through before I've compensated for all my sins? How long more before I could finally have someone make me smile, rather than try to make someone else smile at my expense?

Trials by fire. I've had enough.

slow day and my thoughts

slow day and my thoughts

I'm sleepy. Stayed out quite late two nights in a row.

Spent Valentine's at Nirwana's chatting till almost two 'cos we were on an interesting topic, and we forgot the time.

I found that my thought processes are so much more masculine/ cold/ practical/ different then most of my female peers at this stage. And yet it saves me a lot more heartache than if I didn't think that way. The problem is always when I allow someone to cross from one compartment where I've placed them to another.

Yumchar yesterday and talked nonsense till late. :D Nice, but I had trouble waking up this morning. Tried another route to work today. Slightly faster, i.e. can have a bit more of my precious sleep :)

Bought two flowy, loosely-fitting, slinky, 3/4-sleeved, geometrically-patterned cotton dresses yesterday. And a pair of cotton pants that are so comfy :) Why is it that I always end up spending money when I'm unhappy? And frustrated? And alone? I've been binge-ing on chocolate as well. Sighs.

Not that the dresses aren't lovely. They are. But but but... I wanna buy new bra and knickers. And lingerie. And shoes. I need to throw out a lot of my old ones and buy a pair that I can use everyday and that can last. Dammit. I need money for that. I don't need two pair of dresses that make me look and feel very sexy, but which I might not be using as often.

I hate the feeling of losing control. Especially of giving in to temptation. There's a word for it. It's called L-U-S-T. The purchase of those dresses is the embodiment of lust in its purest form: I want. I get.

I is a very bad gurl....