Digital Love

he hides behind binaries,
copper wires for the win,
makes a place for secret identities,
alternate universe that's unseen.

secret names and secret faces,
alterego to hide behind,
takes him to secret places,
which reality cannot find.

gives him a different mien,
digital caresses in an unkind world,
while reality is a fiend,
virtual lets his confidence unfurl.

lost in a sea of zeros and ones,
happy in a world of make-believe,
careless to the love that would bear him sons,
sending her keeling off a cliff.

she's lost in a world progressively grey,
lost sight of the world she so loves,
a world of sunshine, bright and gay,
with a man she could hold and love.

she's lost in a world that blurs right from wrong,
lost sight of what is true,
he brings the past tense into present form,
makes her take more than she can chew.

she's battle weary, oh is it worth the fight?
one step away from cutting ties,
her heart is heavy, her chest is tight,
she's tired of the little white lies.

Milk

Milk: you can do so much with it. As a drink for the most basic nutrients. Cultured milk. In another drink, eg. tea or coffee. Yoghurt. Cheese. In cooking. Ice-cream that makes people happy. And etcetera, etcetera. All the potential.

Yet once it's tainted there's not much use for it except down the drain. Once it's spilt, there's nothing else to do with it. Wasted potential.

Spilt milk. What's there to do with spilt milk?

An Act of Seven Ages-As You Like It

They say nice girls finish last. And good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. So I wonder often: Where do the imperfect average like myself go then? Which word am I among the pages of the great novel? Which drop am I in the vastness of the waters of the oceans? Which blip am I in the cosmic radar?

Pray tell me, because I'd surely like to know.

Who am I? Say I'm a pawn in the great chess game... then, what is my function? What is my role?

They say all the world's a stage... the men and women merely its' players... they have their exits and their entrances... and one man in his time, plays many parts... his act being seven ages....

Maybe so. If I'm lucky. So what is my role?

Sometimes... I know I'm too choosy, at times. Yet at other times, I wonder if I settle too quickly.

Someone once told me I demanded perfection too much. The perfect man. The perfect job. Is that so? Another told me my idea of the perfect man is one who builds his life around me. But then, wouldn't that bore me?

I want something that will last. Or at least, the foundations of a lasting legacy. Am I foolish to hold on to the notion that I certainly do not expect to be the first, but I would hope to be, like to be, the last? Is that too much naivete? Or is that demanding too little, of myself, especially?

Seven ages... an act of seven ages is a long time. I would want it to be fulfilling.. at the very least.

A Healthy Dose of Skepticism

i know this is old... but this is just a reminder of what could have been.

and also, to remind the new government of their promises to the people. call me jaded, but when it comes to politics, i believe in a healthy dose of skepticism :P

so now, let's see if we can trust the new government of 5 states just that little bit more :)

Life's many contradictions

people ask me: do you look forward to your trip, and my mind comes up blank. because honestly, i'm more worried about the job than anything else. and i think i would only get excited about trips after i've settled jobs.

guess i work that way: i don't particularly like surprises. i normally like to know what i'm pitting myself up against. yes, i'd take risks. but only if i can gauge the odds. and definitely not when it comes to anything of great importance in my life. and only when i'm prepared.

see, i'm like this mule. i look docile, but try to get me to do something i don't want, and u're up against a granite brick. shove, pull, yank, cajole, i won't move a muscle. might as well have been planted, no, ROOTED there.

yes, i'm worried. it's new. and i think i'm comfort eating. :(

****

i miss staying up late and hearing myself. i've so many things i wanna write, but which i've put off to oblivion cos: a) i fell asleep. b) i was unmotivated because my computer is really too slow to run more than 2 apps at one time. c) some things are kinda private, and i'm not sure if it would be wise putting things here.

i guess this poem i memorised when i was 13 would probably sum things up cryptically enough. not sure i remember ALL of it, in it's entirety, or whether the arrangement is quite right. no matter. i think it brings it's point across well enough:

what is this life if, full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare?

no time to stand beneath the boughs,
and stare as long as sheep and cows.

no time to see when woods we pass,
where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

no time to see, in broad daylight,
streams full of stars, like skies at night.

no time to turn at Beauty's glance,
and watch her feet, how they can dance.

no time to wait, till her mouth can,
enrich that smile her eyes began?

a poor life, this, if full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare.

i can't quite remember what the title is, but i think it's by a w.h. davis.

sometimes, a person can be around, but not THERE, if you know what i mean. like i'm looking at you, but not seeing you. i'm listening to you, but not hearing you. or i'm sleeping with you, but not loving you. like existing, but not living. like buying things, but never using them. like coming to work everyday, but never feeling motivated. like the earth can collapse at your feet today, and all you are going to feel is relief.

life has little meaning, lived that way. there's got to be more to life than just that.

The Post-Mortem... Free of Charge from a Mere Slip of a Weak Female Mind

In every report I've made for you, 1 important issue stands out:

The prices of goods have increased, aka inflation.

Do we need a post-mortem? These reports were done before the elections. Obviously, all that hanky-panky with the housekeeper puts the chief to sleep during the day....

The people do not need flashy adverts during every tv or radio commercial, or in bright-fluorescent lit billboards at every lrt station, or full-page adverts in major dailies to KNOW that although there's been growth in this country, the people are not getting any of it. There's economic growth... and yet there's major inflation. [Which begs to ask, by the way, how much of good, hardworking, taxpayers' money did you spend on campaigning this year? I demand a breakdown of your budget.]

Selamat. Aman. Makmur. I beg to differ, and here are my arguments, based on each propagandic word.

Selamat: Where is it? People get brutally murdered... bombed up to smithereens... but we hardly see justice being done. In the last 5 years... horrible crimes has been committed, especially to women [want me to name names? Here are the few high-profile ones: Canny Ong (in Bangsar Shopping Complex), Normala Samsuddin (in Desa Sri Hartamas) and most recently, Altantuya Sharibuu (in the air we breathe in everyday, cos the poor woman was combusted into dust particles)], and yet, despite our constitution being amended a mind-boggling 690 times (that's close to 700, mind you) in a mere 50 years of independence, RAPE laws in this country has difficulty getting passed. 50 years and counting. No, as a mere slip of a woman, I definitely do NOT feel SELAMAT here... especially when just mere weeks before the election, rempit snatchthieves grabbed my bag in broad daylight in a public area.

Aman: What's so aman about this? In 4 years, my personal experience was having my bag grabbed by rempit snatchthieves in major commercial public areas 2 times. That's averaging once every 2 years. And the one fucking the duyung on the side wants to absorb these people who refuse to work but steal from the weak into an alternative police force? Letting them take the law into their own hands literally. No. I don't feel AMAN either.

Makmur: Ahhhh..... rising prices of petrol and toll.... leading to rising prices of goods everywhere..... 'nuff said. Mana keMAKMURannya?

The tagline falls short of its' promises. Is it any wonder discerning people choose otherwise? It's been clear from the start. If you choose NOT to see and listen and understand it, then you do NOT deserve the people's mandate.

Historic

As many would know... the results are out.

What can I say:

i've got pseudo-pheochromocytoma :P

it's the dawn of a new era.

it's a HISTORIC moment.

we are finally making a stand, and giving our mandate.

we are standing at the threshold of change.

racial politics is at least 30 years obsolete. and finally, people are starting to know it.

anarchy and apathy is dead.

it's a REVOLUTION. Che Guevara be proud.

watch out for snatchthievesrempitarmy backlash maychapsastyle, though.

now i can't say much... knowing the crackdown on bloggers... but still... i HAD to say something :)

Many months ago, I was talking to two of my best girlfriends, till the wee hours of the morning... and we were predicting this. it's been long simmering, brewing... and we've been needing such a change for a long time, though. young people of this country is beginning to speak up for change, and i couldn't be happier.

it's a historic moment. but let's not forget the sacrifices we've had to make to get here, and let's not rest on our laurels. the story is just only beginning. let's write us a good one.

Pingpingpinging Myself Into Oblivion

I'm wondering if... I should learn to not wear my heart on my sleeves as much, if I should learn to keep my distance a little more...

That way, at least, I would be less dependent.

I'm tired. Of so many things. Guess it's time out.

Ping ping ping ping ping.........

Unfinished

There are times when you come to mind.

And I wonder about what you're doing and how you are. And yet I never pick up the phone to call, in fact, I might have forgotten your number now. Funny, because only recently, I still did. Someone asked me if I have mental blocks. And I wonder if you're one of it.

And I wonder, too, what it would be if we were still talking.

I wonder about the what ifs, what could bes, and what might have beens.

I also wonder, what we would say to each other if we ever do cross paths in the future. Would I recognise your face if I see you again? Would you remember me? Would we pretend we didn't see each other and walk away? Or would we stop to say hello, even stop for a drink for old times' sakes?

I've no business wondering. I did force myself to forget.

And its strange that, almost always, invariably, the memory of you visits me when I'm at my saddest. When episodes of my life flashes before my closed eyes like seasons from a sitcom. So clear it was almost like yesterday.

In a way, perhaps, you're one of my regrets, if I have any. Perhaps because between you and I, its unfinished business.

So many things left unsaid, so much emotions left unspoken, so much left unexplained.

Although, I could, in a way, conclude from the lack of communication, a form of closure in itself, still, it's different than hearing it from you.

But perhaps, that always was our issue in the first place. You never really did speak much, and for myself, then, being young as I was, neither did I.

Henceforth, I promised myself that I would speak my mind, at whatever cost, because when it comes to you and I....

I just regret how things turned out.

Change

I moved house.

I quit my job.

Now seems to be a time of great change for me. Yes, I've changed jobs many times, moved house even more times. Normally it's job then house. But this time feels different. This time it's the other way around. And this time... feels like I'm setting up roots. Well, I hope this feeling is a premonition for greater, better things.

Perhaps it's consolidating. I'm not sure how to put it. I just know that the time is right, and I'm stabilising myself. How do I know this? I see the signs, and my heart feels at peace. For the first time in a very long while.

I've prayed for this moment for many years. And through my mistakes and my many trials and errors, I think I roughly know where I stand now. As I was telling a friend, I feel God's guiding hands making this decision in terms of career path. It would be a lot of hard work, but hopefully the lessons learnt will be the ones that guide me in future undertakings.

After all, nothing in life worth having comes easy, no? We all have our crosses to bear. And really, I have come to understand that God, in infinite Wisdom, never gives us more than we can carry at any one time. How did I come to understand this? Slowly.... over many bitter episodes, and much contemplation over many years.

So yes, I'm still running the good race, still keeping the good faith. It's a long way to go yet, and I've barely just begun.