An Open Letter to that Someone in his life

Hi...

Right now I'm a stranger to you. I wonder if you know about me, just as I do about you. I'm quite certain you do. We have common friends after all. And much as we would like to avoid it, there's always a chance we might end up meeting each other. Whether we like it or not, the world's not that big a place at all. Not enough to completely disappear in forever.

I wonder too, if I should smoke you out. As I know you have questions about me, as much as I do about you.

I know you decided one day, perhaps around the middle of the year, to leave his ghost behind you. I can identify. I've tried doing that to others before him too.

I know there was a point in his life you held on to him most dearly, hoping he'd return your affections, finding it painfully difficult to let go, and never completely doing so, although you knew that it was best for your sanity to do so. I also know that although he tried letting you walk away, it's in his nature to let the world know he feels pain, and because he loves the adulation, it's hard for him to let any female just walk away. Takes nerves of steel and a lot of heart-hardening for a female to do so. Even perhaps ripping a part of your heart out and leaving it behind just so you can find the anger and pain to give you the courage to go. And perhaps you have finally, after so many years, grew the nerves to do so.

I can identify. Perhaps, not fully understand, but identify somewhat. After all, it took me 6 long years to finally put my foolish unrequited love behind me.

Like you, I had fooled myself into believing he loved me. Although it was perhaps merely emotional and physical attraction on his part, and a lot of affection, but nothing more. Like you, I should have perhaps not allowed him to cajole me into crossing a line I had set for myself. Like you, I had fallen victim to my passions, and perhaps, youthful images of romance which, like you, I had tried so hard to hold back and repress.

We were both young and foolish once. We both have had our hearts broken by men we had put our energies and time in, and pinned our hopes and dreams on. We both had a certain image of happiness crumble to dust at our feet, and we have had ourselves to blame while we tried picking them up and trying our darnedest to put them back together, knowing it would be forever scarred and forever changed. We have both grown up much from those days. We have both had our fair share of pain.

So forgive me for intruding into the calm you've tried so hard to find for yourself. I know you've abandoned your thoughts at one place. But those used to writing and needing a space to confide in, no matter if no one knows of it would always return to writing, albeit someplace else. I know that after going from place to place, and abandoning your thoughts here and there, and after trying to cut him out of your life altogether now, you've made a mini-comeback elsewhere. I'm also aware that you'd rather he not know where it is. And I can understand and respect that.

I wonder if I should send this your way. I apologise if this is unwelcome or uncomfortable. But because both he and I would both be moving in new directions, and like you, I'd like to lay some ghosts to rest, myself. Unfortunately, because I know of your relationship with him, although he didn't know to what extent my intuition allowed me insights into the situation, even when he and I were together, you're one of those ghosts. And my intuition also tells me due to his penchant to attempt to keep his secrets close to his chest, because firstly, he forgets, and secondly, in his own warped way, he believes he's shielding me from the harm of knowing too many of his demons, and thirdly, he knows that if I know too many things, I will distrust him. He believes I'm paranoid. And he's right. To a certain extent.

I trust no one. Not even myself. 'Myself' has led me into many a trouble more than once. The only thing I trust are things that are intangible. Like intuition. It's saved my hide many times. Like karma. What goes around comes around. I've seen that happen often enough, and I'm glad for it. Like a higher entity. Call it God. Call it Cosmic Force. Call it Higher Power. It's protected my soul and my physical shell many times.

He's only human. Like myself. Like you. We're fallible. We make errors. I know he's trying to make amends now. For his own sake. I know he realises now that he's let many people and many things and many years and many opportunities pass him by while he struggles to regain his footing and get back into his own game.

Unfortunately, you had to be one of those people used as a form of pawn to help him get back on his feet. I know he didn't mean it to be that way. I know he cared for you very much in his own way. He probably still does. Unfortunately, foolishly, he needed you as a form of emotional crutch, an 'ego-booster' of sorts. He perhaps thought that if you didn't fall in love with him, you'd leave him to his misery faster than any of us could say 'bye'. He wanted affection so badly. Those he wanted thought him friends. In his own way, he probably hoped that one day he could learn to return your love for him too. Unfortunately, he let it go on for so long, by the time he realised he could not love you the way you wanted him to, the damage was done.

He had hurt you deeply and he had no way around it, even if he was genuinely very sorry and guilty about the whole affair. Perhaps that's why although you possibly had a big fat bank account, while he had to fight with me over things as mundane as coming for a visit, he let you siphon off him anyway, even when we were together.

And you possibly felt it was justified, cruelly thinking that since he found some semblance of happiness while you were still wallowing in misery, it was right that he compensated for stringing you along for years. You've probably showed him more than you've shown any other male, and let him see you in ways you'd never allow anyone else to ever see.

I'm sorry. For the hurt he's caused you. For the hurt my being around compounded on you. And for my bringing this up. But I need to know what happened, which I know I may never get from his side of the story, and if my intuition is right. I need to get past this to close that chapter, regardless of where he and I end up. Like you putting him in write-off tray until, perhaps many years later. Or until you find your own happiness.

I told him once, between a male and a female, once deeper emotions are involved, there's no such thing as 'friends'. Not unless both parties have moved on from each other. It's merely an excuse to keep the emotions going, and to stay together, or keep in touch. Nobody is fooled one bit by that excuse. He said nothing at that point. Perhaps because he's got a few 'friends' he's labelled as such, which, his mind, his heart and his gonads are at serious conflict about. I left him to it, though. I've said my piece, and he knows where I stand on that.

We both need closure. But I'm not going to rape your emotions once more. If you'd rather not, I can completely understand.