Jaded

I have a grandfather that had two wives.

An uncle that has at least 4 wives. And he's estranged from at least one of them.

Another uncle that was one of my hometown's first top chartered accountants, and lost everything, including possibly, some of his sanity when his wife, who wasn't very beautiful, and definitely not very educated, upped and left him for another man, taking their children with her. And all his money and assets. He lost everything that day.

I have another uncle who did not really have a love marriage. But who was with my auntie for many years, bringing up 5 children together. In recent years, he hooked up with several Indon girls.

A sister-in-law that is a child of divorced parents. Her father went off with another woman. Her sister is divorced due to an accident the hospital could be sued for.

Sometimes I have nothing to say.

I watch all these around me and can't help feeling disappointed and depressed.

I can't help but lose more and more of that blanket of innocence surrounding me, that fresh romanticism of youth. And watch romance with jaded eyes.

I can't help but feel, sometimes, that I never want to be married.

That I never want to be in any of these situations.

Love marriage. Arranged marriage.

You'd think, at how I've witnessed these situations all my life, at how bitter and angry and spiteful adults can be to one another, that they've never once shared a single intimate moment together. That they've never shared affection with each other. That they've never known companionship, or at least a certain companionable silence. You'd think they were born to hate each other with a loathing so complete, it's all-consuming.

I don't know if I've ever known what true love means. How is it like? Would I know it when I see it? Or am I blinded by other passions? Some people never know it. Some lose it before they realise it was there.

What I do know is this:

Falling in love with someone is a feeling.

Loving someone is a choice.

Staying in love with someone is an effort.

Love. And sex. They're both choices.

We choose to work on what we have.

We choose to stay committed.

We choose to refrain ourselves from being in situations of temptation. Or walking away when we are.

We choose who we stay in love with.

Because nothing lasts forever. Not without effort. Not without choice.

Like sex. There's no such thing as drunken sex. Even when I got so drunk I couldn't remember my evening the next morning, I was told that rather than going home with someone I was dancing with and who was obviously hitting on me, I chose to go to the toilet and call my friends.

After all, one can choose to NOT get so drunk in the first place.

A lot of things are excuses we make up to cover for our shortcomings. Our flaws. Because we know that if we take a clear looking glass that can look into our souls, we'd cringe at the ugliness we see and find in ourselves. The glass is always tinted...

I don't love her anymore.

She is a jealous and obsessive cunt.

She nags too damn much.

She's so freakin' clingy.

She can't bear me sons.

He hardly has time for me.

He works too hard.

The other man sees me while he doesn't look at me anymore.

Excuses. Valid, perhaps. But does s/he know? Was effort made to rekindle the relationship before moving on to infidelity?

If one is in a committed relationship, infidelity is no excuse. The choice was made. You chose who you wanted to be with. Why cheat? Why not just break up so the other party has a chance to find someone who truly loves him or her? At least, someone who treats him/ her better than you do? Better than you'll ever know how to? Or better than you'll ever WANT to?

Infidelity. It's selfishness and irresponsibility to the core.

I can't stomach it. If you chose me to be Queen to your King... then treat me like one. I don't care if you've treated all your previous women like manure strewn all over your garden or flushed down your septic tank. But if you want me in your life, treat me like the Gold heirloom that was preciously passed from generation to generation. Treat me like a respected Partner. Your Equal. Your other Half.

Else why should I stay? I've seen too much. Heard too much. Watched too much.

There's too much heartbreak in this world. And I'd really rather not bring children into a relationship that's fractured. A child born into a family deserves the love of both parents. Not parents at each other's necks. Not one parent who's in love with another woman but stays with one, just because. Children should be spared that kind of heartbreak whenever possible. A child might as well be born to a single loving parent if that were the case.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm disappointed with the world.

I don't know what I'd do if put in such a situation. I think, rather than fight for someone who plays games with me and cannot commit wholeheartedly to me, the way I would to him, I think I'd rather turn my heart to ice where he's concerned. Pack up my bags and leave, never to return for the next 20 years or so. If he doesn't love me the way ANY woman should be loved, then it's pointless to stay. Whether or not children are in the picture. I'd rather children witness a quiet divorce than watch their two parents growing to hate each other more and more as each day goes by. Or worse, be indifferent to each other.

I don't know. I had 250 people ask me within the space of half an hour, when is my turn to be married. I wish I could tell them sometimes I really don't feel like I should.

I can see myself more a mother than a wife. A child needs me. A child wants me. A child loves me. A child would never have another mother. Not one that brought him/ her up anyway. A child's love would be unconditional. A child would love me as much as I love him/ her. Return my wholehearted affection with his/ her own.

A child would never love in halves.

Perhaps that's what true love is. Loving in whole.

Does he love me in whole? I hope so. What does the future hold though? Thing is, we don't know.